Monday, March 1, 2010

Who Do You Tell When Your Husband Cheats?

Joannie Rochette emerged from the recent Olympic games as a consummate "grace-in-the-face-of-devastation" performer. The young skater arrived in Vancouver for the games, followed by her mother a week or so later. Her mother died shortly after arrival at the age of only 55, leaving Rochette to deal with the incredible pressure of world-class performing and the completely unexpected death of her mother.
One comment made by Rochette struck me. She noted how she stayed away from the crowds and didn't look at their faces because she didn't want their "sad eyes."
I know exactly how she feels.
When you're barely holding it together, when you're living your life moment by moment, unsure how you're going to function, those "sad eyes" can make you crumble.
For exactly that reason, after D-Day, I chose not to tell most people in my immediate circle. Hours after the news, I arrived at my children's school to pick them up. A friend looked at my quizzically and asked if I was okay. I said I was. "A little tired...," I admitted. And that was it.
The temptation to tell was huge. I wanted the world to witness my pain, to hold me when I cried, to tell me my husband was a cheating bastard...
Or did I?
The truth is I didn't want to hear other people's opinions of my husband, my marriage or me. I didn't want their advice. I didn't even want to hear their own stories of pain. Not at that point.
And I knew the time would come when I wouldn't want their sad eyes following me around. When I would have moved forward and wouldn't want their eyes constantly reminding me where I'd been.
For me, it was the right choice. A few close friends know, though most of them live far away from me so I only see them occasionally. None of my "daily" friends know...and I'm glad. I get to be "normal" with them. And though I went through a stage where I felt like I had a mask on, I got through it and am glad I kept it on.
Getting over betrayal is a step-by-step process. What is a good choice one day mightn't be the next. We can change our minds. We can adjust our thinking.
What about you? Who did you tell?

32 comments:

  1. I told only certain select people. My sister is my best friend...and the day I found out about the affair, she was flying in for a visit. I could NOT keep that from her. I would have told her anyway, but her coming into town and seeing her and having her to talk to in person and hug, I really needed that.
    I told only two other very close friends. Other people do not know. No one at our church knows. My parents will hopefully never know. He told his younger brother himself; his two sisters do not know. Other than our therapist, that is it.
    I felt like shouting it out to the world, I felt like putting on my facebook status "My husband is a cheating bastard!". I agree, the temptation to tell is HUGE!! But I had to tell myself, if I really want to stay with him and try to work on our marriage, do I really want everyone to know?
    Over Thanksgiving we went to my in-laws house and it was only a few weeks after D-Day. People could tell I was not myself and asked my husband if I was okay. Just told everyone I wasn't feeling well. I thought "if you only knew"...

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  2. That sense of "if you only knew..." hasn't really diminished for me. It generally emerges when I'm feeling unappreciated or undervalued. It's like I want Brownie points for keeping it together and being able to fool everyone... I want to scream, See what I was capable of? Aren't I amazing? Then, of course, the feeling passes and I realize that what I might gain in the short term would be a detriment in the long term.
    I sympathize with women like Elin Nordegren and Elizabeth Edwards who will always be viewed by the world through the lens of betrayal. I hope the don't define themselves that way...

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  3. Only told a dear friend who lives in another town and a spiritual advisor. After 3 1/2 months of not confiding in anyone else, I agree it is difficult. There are days I want to shout it but can't if I choose to forgive and stay married.

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  4. I called his parents when my world imploded in July 2007. I didn't tell my family till January 2009 when he had a slip (he is a professionally diagnosed sex addict). I found out my uncle was having an affair. I sent out an email and threw everyone under the bus that had ever cheated, father (although I left my mom out I think), 2 of my sister in laws (with 2 of my brothers), husband, etc. I was f'en angry!

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  5. The man I'm with is not my husband (he admitted to dragging his feet), but we live together and have a daughter together. He denies having physically cheated, but the texts I've seen make me wonder. If he hasn't cheated he has come awfully close. We broke up over this before and after about two years back together the text messages have started again.

    This time I could not tell my so-called best friends. I don't know why, but it seems like all they have ever done is criticize me over every little thing. One of my friends even told me she didn't think my man and I were a good match and she doubted we would last. She said that when things were going well! Now, she's decided to take a break from our friendship, but that's a different story.

    Anyway. I found myself confiding to one of my closest work friends as well as a few other co-workers. They've all said the same thing. "Only you can decide what's right for you. Don't make any rash decisions that you may regret later." I've never had so much support from so few people.

    My man's family found out of course. His mom doesn't like me, but she is pissed at what he did. One of his sisters even messaged the girl on facebook and told her off.

    My parents, however, are not aware of the current events. They are already unhappy that he allows his mother to treat me the way she does. I guess I don't want there to be any more bad feelings between them if I do decide to stay with him. It's been over a week and I still don't know what to do.

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  6. Scarlette,

    Unfortunately, your friends are right. Only you can decide. It would be so much easier if some wise soul would run our lives for us, wouldn't it?
    However, you've got some things to consider. For starters, what is your partner saying about this? Is he remorseful? Is he answering any/all questions? Does he show signs of recognizing how much pain he's caused and any indication that he wants to make amends?
    If not, what are your reasons for staying? If he's not willing to acknowledge the pain he's caused -- whether the affair was physical or not, betrayal is excruciating and a violation of trust -- then it's virtually impossible to rebuild a relationship. Without trust, there is no intimacy. With no intimacy, there really isn't a relationship.
    So that's where I would start. By demanding that he acknowledge what he's done and answer any and all questions you have honestly. If your gut tells you he's lying, my advice would be to trust your gut.
    It might make sense to ask him to leave...at least for a while so you can sort your thoughts out. His loyalty should be to you...not to anyone else except also your child. If it's not, then it's time to seriously reconsider the value of your relationship.
    You deserve to be treated with respect...and that starts with treating yourself with respect.
    Good luck. Feel free to continue to post. I hope others will offer up their thoughts and advice too. We can learn a lot from each other -- and support each other.

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  7. This is something I seriously struggled with and on bad days, still kinda do. I told a couple close friends who I knew wouldn't be judgmental, but it's still hard to even talk to them because they don't truly understand. My family will never know. My family is the definition of judgmental. I've come so close to sitting his mom and sister down and talking to them, though, his family has him up on a pedestal and that's always annoyed me, especially now and sometimes it annoys me to the point that I almost feel its important for them to know. But I haven't. My extreme anxiety has caused problems with a few members of my family, who I refuse to tell. So I have to just suck it up and apologize for being "rude" and "bitchy", when really its the anxiety controlling me. I am so very grateful that I found my therapist. She is truly amazing. The first one I was seeing was very not amazing and not helpful in the least.....a guy, go figure.

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    1. Emily,
      Whether or not your friends really understand, they know you're in pain and simply being with you and offering you their strength and compassion can be enormously healing.
      Like you, I've been sooo tempted to tell my husband's family. They're incredibly judgemental of others and tend to feel superior to everyone (though I've no doubt it masks HUGE insecurity)...and I've wanted to wipe their smug looks off their faces.
      But...I know that their potential rejection of my husband would make any satisfaction short-lived. So I keep my mouth shut.

      Elle

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  8. I don't know, it seems to me that keeping silent about such a serious offense esp when the cheater may have used family and friends to cheat, smacks of collusion. My main priority right now is to heal myself, not worry about him as he clearly didn't worry about me or our relationship while engaging in his affair, which btw displayed monumental selfishishness and narcissisism. And if that entails speaking to close friends, family, even not so close friends, so be it. If he is truly remorseful he'll deal with the fallout on the situation that he caused and if he won't or can't, then he is not the man I thought he was and I deserve better.
    It also seems to me that the onus for repairing the relationship should be the betrayers and he should do Whatever It Takes to resolve it.

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    1. I agree in theory...but in my experience, a few people I confided in very early after finding out only compounded my pain by being a bit insensitive. Comments from "well, I wouldn't stay with him..." didn't exactly move me further along the path to healing. They made me defensive and feel like a doormat.
      So I do think it's important to consider who you tell in order to protect yourself from further hurt.

      Elle

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  9. I told 4 of my closest friends, but they all live in different towns. Communication with them is hard as they all have busy lives and a couple of them have not so good marriages themselves. But they all have encouraged me to rebuild my marriage. 36 years of marriage all blown to bits in an instant. It's been 8 months since D day. My husband is very remorseful, but I am still so very angry. I feel like I am the one driven to read everything I can find on the subject and find help to be able to forgive. Then I wonder if I even really want to stay....then I think I couldn't leave if I wanted to. And I DO love him....but to have sexual relations again with him?? That is so hard... I was experiencing severe health challenges when he stepped out...not just once over the last 6 years, but 3 different times. How do I stay with a man that I still love and I believe he does love me, when he turned his back on me when he was suppose to be committed in 'sickness' and in health. I want HIM to be doing whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage, but he says he feels like he doesn't have any rights left to do that and he doesn't know how. He has taken responsibility, but he has not taken LEADERSHIP in the repair department. We are in counseling I should mention. We are also reading the book "Not Just Friends" together. However he says all that book does is bring back to the forefront everything he is trying so hard to forget. I am frustrated.

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    1. Barb,
      I'm so sorry for your health issues and your husband's betrayal. Just when you needed his support, he was unable to be there for you, which I'm sure feels like a double betrayal.
      I want to caution, however, against something that I think so many of us do...but that doesn't really help us. You say, for example, that 36 years of marriage is "all blown to bits". And I'm going to ask...is that true? Or is it possible that, within those 36 years, there's still much that's intact. Your love for each other perhaps? Though there's some self-righteous satisfaction in dramatic pronouncements, they don't really put us in a place where we can start rebuilding. Rather they keep us stuck in the injury.
      I'm amazed, though I've heard it often enough that I shouldn't be any more, at how many men stray when their wives are dealing with crises. Whether it's a high-needs child, an ailing parent, her own illness, a woman's crisis seems to trigger some sort of panic/crisis in many men. And I would guess that it's frequently men who are unable to understand/express just how frightened or abandoned they feel. I'm wondering if that's the case in your marriage. Not that his inability to handle his emotions gives him any right to have an affair, just that it gives you and him a starting point for understanding.
      As long as we think of an affair as the cruel act of a total narcissist, we make it all but impossible to rebuild our marriages on a solid foundation. However, if we're able to step back and view not the ACT but the husband with some compassion, we're often able to be more compassionate to ourselves too and stop seeing ourselves as some dupe who was cheated on.
      Your husband screwed up, no question. He made a tragic mistake. And it's critical that he acknowledge that mistake...not just with a perfunctory I'm sorry, but to really examine what thought processes allowed him to go down that road. What stories was he telling himself (she's not available to me anymore, she's consumed with her own problems, I've been a good husband for XX years, I deserve this, blah blah blah) that gave him permission to step outside his own moral code? Without that knowledge and mutual compassion/understanding for the roles EACH of us play when something like happened (note I'm not saying blame...because I maintain it's not the wife's FAULT), this will continue to be like the infamous nuke button that either of you can threaten to push any time you're angry, frustrated, disappointed. You need to acknowledge that the button is there and agree that you'll disable it but only when each side agrees that what happened needs to be discussed and dissected until it loses its power.
      This is as terrifying for your husband as it is necessary. And it's hard for us to recognize that behind that stubborn refusal to deal with it openly is shame and guilt so profound that they fear it'll swallow them whole. It would be so much EASIER they believe, to just never speak of it again and simply pick up where you left off. Except that it isn't easier, nor is it healthy.
      Ignoring cancer doesn't make it go away though we wish it would. We have to look the demon in the eye and fight it with everything we've got. Which means understanding where it came from, where it might appear again...and be ready for it.
      You two need to get on the same team on this. He owes you more than simply a promise that it'll never happen again. You have been traumatized, not only by his affairs but dealing with illness alone when you needed him. He needs to recognize the depth of your pain...and you need to recognize the depth of his. You're both dealing with it...and your marriage would be so much better served if you dealt with it together. Thirty-six years is worth fighting for.

      Elle

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  10. I just found out that my husband of 10yrs (who starting working out of town recently) has signed up for two "sex hook up with locals" website. I left him and am filing for divorce. I wonder how long he has been doing this? Yes, I love him and will miss the hell out of the bastard, but I am worth so much more. It's going to be hard to start over once I get thru the healing process.

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  11. My husband just admitted to me TODAY that he has cheated on me on 3 separate occasions in the past. He broke down in tears and spelt his guts. Of course I was in shock and held back tears as long as I could. We have been on a rocky road for a while and although I haven't been showing much affection I never thought he would cheat. I trusted him completely. It will be 4 years this August that we have been married but we've been together for 9 years. I want to talk to someone but I am thinking carefully about the one person I can spill my guts to. I have two best friends and one who happens to live far away, who I may tell. I love him and I know he loves me I'm just confused and upset on how he could do it. I don't want to tell family because if we work through it everyone else may not be as forgiving as I may be. I'm 29 and he is 32.

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  12. I found a screen shot of my husband sexting with a woman. I made him provide passwords to facebook and e-mail accounts, he was linked to several dating and hook up sites. I made him call our pastor and we are in counseling. In addition he will be getting some help as this he is addicted to this behavior. He is not allowed access to a computer. I have no one to tell. Everyone I know would blab. This is very difficult.

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    1. Hi Anonymous,
      I'm sorry you need to be here...but glad you found us.
      It's a horrible thing to discover...and harder still when you feel you have to keep his secret. Is there no-one in your life you can trust? A mom/sister/friend? We're here, of course. And we do know what you're going through. But I think a real-life person is important -- even a counsellor can offer up compassion and strength when you lack both.
      I'm glad you're both in counselling. That can go a long way toward helping you understand that your husband's behaviour had nothing to do with you. The problem is his.
      There's plenty to read here that might help you in your healing. And of course, feel free to post with questions or your thoughts.

      Elle

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  13. I just found out that my wife of almost 11 years has been cheating with two different coworkers of hers, one female, one male. I also discovered dozens of late night texts to a couple of numbers belonging to other men. This is the third time she's cheated on me and been found out, though I am now certain there have been even more incidents. I told her to move out of our home immediately. We have an 11 year old daughter who knows nothing yet, but who we will need to tell soon that her parents are breaking up. I am very confused. I'm incredibly angry at my wife, and simultaneously feel horribly guilty. I have never cheated on her, I've stuck by her through mental illness, the aforementioned cheating (during which she also caught herpes), huge amounts of credit card debt she ran up, and a horrible amount of manipulative and selfish behavior. Since telling her to leave, I have heard from no one on her side of the family, and am busy keeping my daughter occupied. My family all live in another country, so I feel like I have no one to turn to at this point for support. Weirdly, what I'm fretting over most right now is how to tell my mother. She knows nothing about the previous events in our marriage, and lives in the UK (I am in Texas). Do I call her? Email? I have no idea. I really don't want to talk about it, but feel like the least I should do is let my mother know. Any advice?

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    1. I'm so sorry. That's a LOT to handle. For what it's worth, I think you have little choice but to remove your wife from you life until she can treat you (and yourself) respectfully and responsibly. And though your daughter will be confused and hurt, the more you can assure her that she's loved (even by those whose love doesn't seem to measure up) the better she'll do. As my own mother said, people love us the best they can, but sometimes their best isn't so good because they're having trouble loving themselves.
      I would think you'll also need some help processing what you've endured through all this. If you don't already have a counsellor, I hope you'll find one. You need to talk about this in order to ensure you don't drag the baggage of it along with you.
      Re. how to tell your mom: How do you usually communicate with her? I think whatever form that is (phone, e-mail) could work. The thing with written communication though, is that it can sometimes sound terse when it's not. So perhaps a short phone call with a "wanted you to know that I'm fine but..." might be the way to go. It would be wonderful too if your mom could provide emotional support for your daughter. I was a kid with a mom with mental illness and the general belief is that if we were better kids (better behaved, smarter, prettier, whatever), our mothers would be able to love us better. So anything you can do to make sure she realizes this is her mom's problem and that it likely existed long before your daughter was born, the better. Still hard...

      Elle

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  14. My husband of 16 years has cheated on me several times throughout our marriage. We have been separated for 2 months because of an affair that I recently busted him through emails he had expressing his love with a coworker. I confronted him before I found the emails, but he did deny it. The last affair lasted over a year,and I stayed with him,we have been rebuilding for two years after, because we have 4 children,and we do love eachother. I am 38 and he is 40 . He doesn't want me to file for divorce,but he hasn't worked hard to show me that he wants me to stay. I didn't tell his Mom about the devistating affair before,but I want to lay it all out so that it will not cause problems between the relationship we have,and with her and my children, when I divorce him. He would lie to her to save face. I have not talked to her much since the last affair, because my Husband asked me not to tell her. He acts like he is such a Man of God to his family. His Sister knew about the last affair. I'm tired of supporting the lies that he portray. I don't want me telling her to backfire.What should I do?

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    1. You say you're tired of supporting his lies? Then why are you? My guess is that, somewhere in your 16 year marriage, you learned that supporting his lies was easier (less exhausting, perhaps?) than calling him on them. But by allowing him to dictate your integrity, you've betrayed yourself, which is far worse than being betrayed by someone else.
      It sounds as if you're better off without this guy, something you seem to have figured out. Get clear with yourself on what you refuse to lie about any longer. Not lying doesn't have to mean telling everybody everything. It simply means that you will no longer pretend to be one thing, while actively being another.
      Expect pushback. People will challenge this new you because they're accustomed to you doing what they want you to do and supporting their pretend lives. People won't always want to hear the truth -- there's that whole "kill the messenger" thing. But don't back down. Expect their anger, their whining, their threats. Stand firm. As long as you're not intentionally hurting anyone -- but rather refusing to stand in the way of the consequences they've created as a result of their own behaviour -- then you have nothing to be uncomfortable about.
      As for his sister and his mother, you can't control how they respond to news that their brother/son is a cheater. So don't bother trying. He created the situation when he chose to cheat. They might blame you (might be more comfortable to them than blaming him) but no matter. You know what happened. Don't get sucked into their confusing drama. Same with your kids. They don't need to know the whole story…it can be too much for them (depending on age) to understand. That's not lying, it's protecting them and giving them permission to love their imperfect father.
      This won't "backfire" if you're honest and respectful. Doesn't mean people won't get mad at you. Doesn't mean they won't try and twist things. But as long as you don't betray yourself, you'll be fine. Drama will burn itself out.

      Elle

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  15. Thank you Elle,
    Your wise advice was very helpful and encouraging. I have made a decision to love and honor myself, and everything has changed in my life. Its not easy but I am taking one day at a time!

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    1. Victorious,
      That's great. It's amazing how simple life can be when we treat ourselves with respect…and insist upon the same from others.

      Elle

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  16. Hi there,
    I found out that my partner cheated on me about 2 months ago and I was so hurt and angry that I posted it on Facebook and told most of my friends what he did. they have been very supportive of me but are also giving me advise and telling me what they think I should do. now that the dust has settled a bit I think that I want to work on the relationship but I have realised now that I have made it so much harder for myself by telling so many people. any advice on how to deal or cope with this??

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    1. I'm so sorry. I just saw this post.
      I suspect you've probably answered your own question. All you can do, going forward, is live honestly in your own decision. You could tell people that you've had time to consider what's next and hope that they can support you in your decision. It's not helpful to you to have people cut you off because of your husband's cheating. However, plenty of people have a really hard time with this.
      In any case, I hope you've found support in your life and that your recovery is going well.

      Elle

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  17. It is hard once you put it out there to take it back, I have decided to get counselling as my husband also cheated 2 years ago and a child came out of this we went through hard times and i chose to stay . But recently i see and feel the same things coming bac and when i ask he gives me attitude i.e i saw a message on his phone from another girl saying she is waiting for him and she can not trust him ??? I love my self and want to treat myself as a priority how do i stop feeling the love i feel for him though ???

    decision still not made on how to proceed

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    1. Anon,
      You can't "stop feeling the love" for him but you can nonetheless draw very clear lines around what you will and will NOT tolerate, such as a relationship with another woman that might prompt such a message. There's clearly something happening that shouldn't be happening and, as his wife, you have a right to know what it is.
      If your husband learned anything from what you went through, it's that there are many ways to deal with issues in life and in a marriage. Cheating is not one of them.
      Tell him clearly and firmly that you need access to all his communication devices and an explanation for the message. You can then determine what you want to do about it. Take the time to get clear on what's next for you. But don't use your "love" for him as an excuse to disrespect yourself.

      Elle

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  18. I'm sad to join this "club" so to speak. Newly married and just found out he visited one of those massage parlors and had a ...well you know. I have a daughter who is very attached to him but for me it's over. I never thought he would do this. Makes you wonder why men like this get married to begin with. Telling my daughter that we are divorcing will be the hardest telling my parents just as hard...

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  19. I'm sad to join this club today too :(

    My fiance and I have been together 7 years and have a 5 year old daughter. Just found out last night that within the last 2 months he's sent 175 emails with dick pics to girls with craigslist ads. He also has Facebook message with 2 girls that he actually knows (and I know one of them, she's married and a friend of a friend) I confronted him, he admitted to everything and is taking responsibility. He has been adamant that he has not met up with a single one of them and has not slept with anyone since we've been together. How does he expect me to trust him?! He is saying he loves me more than anything, will do anything to make it work, wants to go to counselling. I am just so disgusted and I feel like I don't even know who he is. I so badly want to tell someone, especially my mom, but I know everyone is just going to tell me to leave him. If I do decide to work things out with him, I don't want everyone to hate him for what he's done to me. I feel like I just need someone to talk to. I don't even know if I want to work things out, I told him straight up, if we did not have our daughter, I would be out the door without a second thought. I know I can't stay just for our daughter, but I so badly want to keep our family together :(

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    1. Emily,
      I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
      He can't expect you to trust him. That comes only with time, transparency and a commitment to ALWAYS being/doing what he says he is. Even little white lies can destroy slowly rebuilt trust.
      Since he's saying he'll do anything, then start asking for what you need. At the least he should be in counselling to figure out what the hell he was thinking -- why he was willing to risk his marriage and family.
      And I know how lonely it can feel. I did tell my mother -- and she was enormously compassionate. She understood addiction. My father too -- told my husband that everyone is entitled to screw up once. But only an idiot does it again. Their compassion meant a lot to my husband and, I suspect, helped him stay "clean". So consider whether your mother can support you in this...or if you'll simply end up having to defend your choice. You need support, not antagonism.
      I would also urge you to get support for yourself in the form of therapy. Betrayal is devastating and triggers all sorts of emotions that we can use help processing. It might also give you a deeper understanding of his behaviour and how it had nothing to do with you.

      Elle

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    2. Elle, Thank you so much for replying, it means so much to know I'm not alone. Yes, I am going to see a therapist by myself first before I consider going with him. I asked him to find somewhere else to stay while I process all of this information. I don't think I'm going to tell anyone for now. A few years ago he moved out for a month because he was not happy and my family hated him and took a long time to forgive him. I don't need that added stress of that on top of what I already have.

      Hopefully therapy will help me figure out everything running through my head, hoping I can make an appointment and get in soon.

      Now my other dilemma is if I should tell the husband of the woman he was messaging. I think he has a right to know what his wife is doing.. But is it my business? I would want to know if I was in his situation

      Thanks again!!

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  20. My fiance and I have been together almost 3 years. He had an affair a year ago that lasted for months. It was the woman (his coworker) who ended up telling me. He had told her that he told me months ago (he did not) but she had to "clear her conscious"... It was the most humiliating moment for me, to comfort her and not know why she was so upset. She told me it lasted 7 months, every time I was out of town. She said it happened in our bed, she slept in my spot. She said there were pregnancy scares and STD scares. She showed me texts from him from just the last few weeks of him saying "love you" and "xoxo" and being extremely flirty. When I confronted him, he owned up to it, but scaled it back drastically, saying it was not as often as I thought. He said there was a lot missing from the text messages (she sent me the screenshots) and she had me seeing only what she wanted me to see. This is the hardest time of my life, I cry every day and if I don't keep myself distracted all I do it picture it in my head. I love him and hate him at the same time. I cannot believe he would do this to me. We are suppose to get married next year, but I have no idea what to do. We are going to start going to counseling, so I'm hopeful that that will help. I told our two mutual friends, but I feel so alone. I just know that whatever decision I make has to be after I've tried everything I could. I have to know that I fought for us, no matter how angry, hurt, and heartbroken I am.

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  21. My fiance and I have been together almost 3 years. He had an affair a year ago that lasted for months. It was the woman (his coworker) who ended up telling me. He had told her that he told me months ago (he did not) but she had to "clear her conscious"... It was the most humiliating moment for me, to comfort her and not know why she was so upset. She told me it lasted 7 months, every time I was out of town. She said it happened in our bed, she slept in my spot. She said there were pregnancy scares and STD scares. She showed me texts from him from just the last few weeks of him saying "love you" and "xoxo" and being extremely flirty. When I confronted him, he owned up to it, but scaled it back drastically, saying it was not as often as I thought. He said there was a lot missing from the text messages (she sent me the screenshots) and she had me seeing only what she wanted me to see. This is the hardest time of my life, I cry every day and if I don't keep myself distracted all I do it picture it in my head. I love him and hate him at the same time. I cannot believe he would do this to me. We are suppose to get married next year, but I have no idea what to do. We are going to start going to counseling, so I'm hopeful that that will help. I told our two mutual friends, but I feel so alone. I just know that whatever decision I make has to be after I've tried everything I could. I have to know that I fought for us, no matter how angry, hurt, and heartbroken I am.

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