I'm in therapy because I am one of those people who need to be in therapy. Also. I think everyone should get some therapy because we all have "stuff." xoxo
LLP here. I see therapy will help but they don't see it. Ann posted about the book "the subtle art of not giving a fck". It helped me regarding victim tendencies.It helped me re-align priorities what to give a fck about. The post made me think of my sister who should be in therapy but refuses with lame excuses.My mom would be happy with a letter she wrote me. I didn't deserve it. It went like this "Are you fucking kidding me? Your fucking kids are working adults. I am so tired of your bullshit! Hell, I did the work too. I don't need anything from you so fuck off. Thank you for all your help Ha." There is too much drama to explain why she wrote the letter. I'm sad she did. Only sister who mom molded into her into a flying monkey. Only sister said get out of my life. I asked my H, what is it about me that people feel like they can be mean to me? My therapist said mom/dad was abusive, H #1 hit me, H#2 betrayed me and gave an STD. My rock, my sister, told me to fuck off. There are so many things going around in my head. The more my H opens up the more I don't like what I hear. His morality lines, justifications, responses to situations in his past life make me sad, sick and confused. I keep saying, that is HIS past. I keep saying, why in the fuck didn't you see this? I ignored it all. Nobody is perfect blah blah. I get that but some imperfections are no go. Is your husband's like this? Examples, at a party his friends paid him to dance with a girl, he didn't know, I was home pregnant. After his first wife betrayed him, he screwed at least 100 woman over 7 years. One girl told him, she had an abortion,it was his. He didn't love her,used her,was horny. His response, why would she tell me? I said, she was mad and wanted to hurt you. Recently a girl in her late thirties, where we socialize, started with eye contact, friendly, then a hug and last she sat next to him and cozies wiggling closer to him. I'm sitting there. He is clue less this girl is coming on to him. He didn't see anything wrong with it. He understands why I am upset due to the affair. He stopped but my point is he didn't see anything wrong. Do guys not know the difference between coming on or just being friendly? Blows my mind. Bugs the shit out of me because I think he had previous affairs but won't admit it. When I was 28 I had chlamydia. AT the time he swore he wasn't messing around. This was before computers so I will never know. He has been more honest about when he gets irritated over normal marriage stuff so I guess that's progress. I tell myself-Self, you have a nice life, he is easy to travel with, he just bought me $3000 worth of gorgeous jewelry, he brings me flowers each week. he opens my car door. He washes the laundry and cleans up the kitchen without being asked. We are going on 3 cruises this year and booked two more for next year. He has stopped his reckless spending on himself. Whenever I put on the brakes he respects that. Am I just looking for shit? Am I just making myself unhappy? I know if I left him, I would be miserable. Why can't I settle myself down, just go with my life now and be happy? I'm 3 years out and infidelity feels like a bad thing that happened in my life but doesn't lead me around by the nose anymore. Maybe it still is and I don't see it? I have more peace in my heart than ever, I know what I want, do only what I want. I learned compromise. My kids love me no matter what. Maybe my sister's telling me to fuck off bothers me more that I think? Why am I still digging for shit to doubt? My therapist says, in my mind, I think I don't deserve to be happy. By the way at 63 years old I dyed my hair with red, blonde and pink subtle streaks, which looks pretty damn good. My H doesn't care for it, too bad buddy. I'm rambling but thanks for listening. 'm not sad, mad, depressed or wringing my hands just venting to my friends in my state of over activity of the brain disease.
I can relate on many levels to what you are saying. I get caught in a vicious circle in my head. I think this is not just a one night stand betrayal. On some levels this is who he was/is. My husband has changed a lot. I appreciate it and can see that. But whether he found friends that support his behaviors even though none of them know what he did or he just likes those kind of friends who knows. Many are from grade school and middle school so not recent or adult friends. But I see his friends support and build him up. They also do not have the same morals I would agree with. And none of this is related to women but just how they live their lives. Some of them I think make my husband feel better about himself. My husband is in an odd place. He has these life long friends and what they do and want now does not match how he lives his life. Many have said things to him. Then there is me I feel similar as to why am I let down by friends and family over and over. I just do not get it. I had a regular childhood. I was on my own a lot due to working parents but nothing bad. My friends though are top notch people and have similar values but just do not have or want to put effort into our friendship. They are not off doing things with other people. The people I see connecting and doing a lot are typically the drinkers and people that are not invested in their kids and families. There are many days I sit and think is this it? Now it seems too hard to shift to what would be my ideal. I have gone too far down a path. And I struggle since I committed to this based on thinking we were a team but after dday this might be with what I struggle with the most. And of course it cannot change. I cannot go back and get the additional education I wanted to, I cannot go back to the career I left, I cannot make up the years of career instead I was supporting my husband. It has left such a hole in me that I sacrificed and this is where I am. My parents sacrificed for each other their entire marriage and that is what I saw and was modeled. It was always for each other and our family. That is what I thought I had and now it seems like it is not. My husband says we are a team but I am just not trusting yet. And it feels so lopsided since most of the sacrifices were made for his career. Then everything he did just seems to make a joke out of me and us. He is totally different now but it is hard to shake.
LLP i hear you LOUD and clear. I won't go into my three pages long recap of my weekend and how I feel and what I feel like doing. My reactions to my own H's cooking and cleaning and more--Instead let me ask Is anyone else oddly triggered by Hugh Hefner dying? all the accolades and old interviews resurfacing? I know he's about the tamest of the porn kings, but things are stickin in my craw.
I read this article somewhere else this weekend and sent it off to my husband. While i read this article I felt so validated since I have been saying all of this for a long time. I mean I was shaking my head yes, saying yes and agreeing with it all. My husband is 100% receptive to these types of things now. In the past he would have gotten defensive and had some strange remarks back. But it was good and started up a productive conversation. He has cited it several times now since he read it Saturday. I find articles like this are so helpful. He is not one to read books or do other work but articles he will read. Thanks for posting it was excellent!
My husband didn't believe that he needed therapy. He went for a couple sessions because I asked him to. I believe that his lying and avoidance need to be addressed and he believes he made a simple mistake and knows that now so all is well with him. Meanwhile I will still catch him lying to me about drinking when he is out of town and not being transparent with his associations with co-workers that are women. I believe he has a problem with telling the truth even when it is painful to him. Meanwhile life goes on. But I'm not resentful! Lol. Life after adulatory is so exhausting.
I have a friend who's husband has a porn addiction and he refused to go to MC. Nothing is wrong with him. So she finally got him to go under the auspice that "MC can fix ".
I have a friend who's husband has a porn addiction and he refused to go to MC. Nothing is wrong with him. So she finally got him to go under the auspice that "MC can fix HER". So he went. LOL.
Bahahaha! My sister and I are always saying that in regards to our mother! We would love to hear what Dr. Phil would say!
ReplyDeleteI'm in therapy because I am one of those people who need to be in therapy. Also. I think everyone should get some therapy because we all have "stuff." xoxo
ReplyDeleteElle: I LO-Elle-d
ReplyDeleteAgree ! But most people in denial! :)
ReplyDeleteLLP here. I see therapy will help but they don't see it. Ann posted about the book "the subtle art of not giving a fck". It
ReplyDeletehelped me regarding victim tendencies.It helped me re-align priorities what to give a fck about. The post made me think of my sister who should be in therapy but refuses with lame excuses.My mom would be happy with a letter she wrote me. I didn't deserve it. It went like this "Are you fucking kidding me? Your fucking kids are working adults. I am so tired of your bullshit! Hell, I did the work too. I don't need anything from you so fuck off. Thank you for all your help Ha." There is too much drama to explain why she wrote the letter. I'm sad she did. Only sister who mom molded into her into a flying monkey. Only sister said get out of my life. I asked my H, what is it about me that people feel like they can be mean to me? My therapist said mom/dad was abusive, H #1 hit me, H#2 betrayed me and gave an STD. My rock, my sister, told me to fuck off. There are so many things going around in my head. The more my H opens up the more I don't like what I hear. His morality lines, justifications, responses to situations in his past life make me sad, sick and confused. I keep saying, that is HIS past. I keep saying, why in the fuck didn't you see this? I ignored it all. Nobody is perfect blah blah. I get that but some imperfections are no go. Is your husband's like this? Examples, at a party his friends paid him to dance with a girl, he didn't know, I was home pregnant. After his first wife betrayed him, he screwed at least 100 woman over 7 years. One girl told him, she had an abortion,it was his. He didn't love her,used her,was horny. His response, why would she tell me? I said, she was mad and wanted to hurt you. Recently a girl in her late thirties, where we socialize, started with eye contact, friendly, then a hug and last she sat next to him and cozies wiggling closer to him. I'm sitting there. He is clue less this girl is coming on to him. He didn't see anything wrong with it. He understands why I am upset due to the affair. He stopped but my point is he didn't see anything wrong. Do guys not know the difference between coming on or just being friendly? Blows my mind. Bugs the shit out of me because I think he had previous affairs but won't admit it. When I was 28 I had chlamydia. AT the time he swore he wasn't messing around. This was before computers so I will never know. He has been more honest about when he gets irritated over normal marriage stuff so I guess that's progress. I tell myself-Self, you have a nice life, he is easy to travel with, he just bought me $3000 worth of gorgeous jewelry, he brings me flowers each week. he opens my car door. He washes the laundry and cleans up the kitchen without being asked. We are going on 3 cruises this year and booked two more for next year. He has stopped his reckless spending on himself. Whenever I put on the brakes he respects that. Am I just looking for shit? Am I just making myself unhappy? I know if I left him, I would be miserable. Why can't I settle myself down, just go with my life now and be happy? I'm 3 years out and infidelity feels like a bad thing that happened in my life but doesn't lead me around by the nose anymore. Maybe it still is and I don't see it? I have more peace in my heart than ever, I know what I want, do only what I want. I learned compromise. My kids love me no matter what. Maybe my sister's telling me to fuck off bothers me more that I think? Why am I still digging for shit to doubt? My therapist says, in my mind, I think I don't deserve to be happy. By the way at 63 years old I dyed my hair with red, blonde and pink subtle streaks, which looks pretty damn good. My H doesn't care for it, too bad buddy. I'm rambling but thanks for listening. 'm not sad, mad, depressed or wringing my hands just venting to my friends in my state of over activity of the brain disease.
I can relate on many levels to what you are saying. I get caught in a vicious circle in my head. I think this is not just a one night stand betrayal. On some levels this is who he was/is. My husband has changed a lot. I appreciate it and can see that. But whether he found friends that support his behaviors even though none of them know what he did or he just likes those kind of friends who knows. Many are from grade school and middle school so not recent or adult friends. But I see his friends support and build him up. They also do not have the same morals I would agree with. And none of this is related to women but just how they live their lives. Some of them I think make my husband feel better about himself. My husband is in an odd place. He has these life long friends and what they do and want now does not match how he lives his life. Many have said things to him. Then there is me I feel similar as to why am I let down by friends and family over and over. I just do not get it. I had a regular childhood. I was on my own a lot due to working parents but nothing bad. My friends though are top notch people and have similar values but just do not have or want to put effort into our friendship. They are not off doing things with other people. The people I see connecting and doing a lot are typically the drinkers and people that are not invested in their kids and families. There are many days I sit and think is this it? Now it seems too hard to shift to what would be my ideal. I have gone too far down a path. And I struggle since I committed to this based on thinking we were a team but after dday this might be with what I struggle with the most. And of course it cannot change. I cannot go back and get the additional education I wanted to, I cannot go back to the career I left, I cannot make up the years of career instead I was supporting my husband. It has left such a hole in me that I sacrificed and this is where I am. My parents sacrificed for each other their entire marriage and that is what I saw and was modeled. It was always for each other and our family. That is what I thought I had and now it seems like it is not. My husband says we are a team but I am just not trusting yet. And it feels so lopsided since most of the sacrifices were made for his career. Then everything he did just seems to make a joke out of me and us. He is totally different now but it is hard to shake.
DeleteLLP i hear you LOUD and clear. I won't go into my three pages long recap of my weekend and how I feel and what I feel like doing. My reactions to my own H's cooking and cleaning and more--Instead let me ask
ReplyDeleteIs anyone else oddly triggered by Hugh Hefner dying? all the accolades and old interviews resurfacing? I know he's about the tamest of the porn kings, but things are stickin in my craw.
and this--this really hit home---http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
ReplyDeleteI read this article somewhere else this weekend and sent it off to my husband. While i read this article I felt so validated since I have been saying all of this for a long time. I mean I was shaking my head yes, saying yes and agreeing with it all. My husband is 100% receptive to these types of things now. In the past he would have gotten defensive and had some strange remarks back. But it was good and started up a productive conversation. He has cited it several times now since he read it Saturday. I find articles like this are so helpful. He is not one to read books or do other work but articles he will read. Thanks for posting it was excellent!
DeleteMy husband didn't believe that he needed therapy. He went for a couple sessions because I asked him to. I believe that his lying and avoidance need to be addressed and he believes he made a simple mistake and knows that now so all is well with him. Meanwhile I will still catch him lying to me about drinking when he is out of town and not being transparent with his associations with co-workers that are women. I believe he has a problem with telling the truth even when it is painful to him. Meanwhile life goes on. But I'm not resentful! Lol. Life after adulatory is so exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who's husband has a porn addiction and he refused to go to MC. Nothing is wrong with him. So she finally got him to go under the auspice that "MC can fix ".
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who's husband has a porn addiction and he refused to go to MC. Nothing is wrong with him. So she finally got him to go under the auspice that "MC can fix HER". So he went. LOL.
Delete