Starting over is not easy. Healing from this is what has made me stronger. I found that I can't change other people so I have to change the way I think and feel about them. It took me two years of my life to find this out. I wish I had know it before all of this bullshit happened. I probably could have handled it better. Every day I learn something new whether it is on here or at work. I still have trust issues with other women sometimes but who wouldn't with what we have all gone through.
I start over all the time. I'm starting over again today, in fact. Because sometimes I need a clean slate. Or to remember to be nice to myself. One of the ways I've learned to be nice to myself is to give myself as many do overs as I need.
Losing my mum 2 weeks ago shook my whole world, I'm starting to see and feel the reality of my huge loss. I'll be starting over without my mum, my kid starting over without their nanny. Life waits for no one, my grief is mine, my recovery is also mine. I'm learning to accept my mum has left this world to a better place where I will meet with her again.. yesterday i had hope, I smiled I will be ok. Starting over xxxx
Starting over. Been thinking about this one for a few months now. Starting over with him now that he has decided to give it a go. What I’ve noticed is that I hold a lot of resentment, understanding given the circumstances, and am wondering how you start over with a butt load of resentment? I am weary of his past behavior. I could give a rats ass about the affair. That was nothing compared to the lying, gas lighting, and the simple fact that he chose to convince himself that the marriage was over instead of dealing with the problems we had and his personal issues. My resentments have created a barrier that is pretty much blocking all the good years we had together. Triggers, such as last Sunday, the one year anniversary of the shit storm starting, has brought all this up. The things I laid to rest because I thought he was never coming around and it was over…FTS Tuesday.
Now that I am open to starting over with him, I realize my resentments are trust based…I don’t trust him… and I’m very sensitive to any level of what I feel to be bullshit. They are behaviors that will take time to change for both of us. As far as I can tell, he’s been honest about his feelings…remorse, guilt, shame…but he seldom shares or shows it. Not that I want the guy to come home crying and shit everyday. I doubt his sincerity cause he drug his feet for 7.5 months post DD2 before he decided to really deal with the shit storm. I don’t know, and haven’t known for several years, why he loves me, or likes me for that matter. He let’s me know his whereabouts, even though I never asked him to do that. He’s finally present, going to therapy, communicates with me now, asks me if I want to talk, treats me good, but it isn’t enough. I don’t know what enough looks like. I don’t know what it will take to put my mind and soul to ease. Do I wish he could take my pain away? Hell yes, but I know he can only help me get through it and his words and actions will be the key to building trust. But right now, what he’s been doing isn’t enough and I’m struggling with that and I feel like I’m missing something.
I called today and found out that the hooker my H was texting WILL be there tomorrow night.... I've never had panic attacks or anxiety until all of this came up. But I feel a big one coming on I told him last week I wanted to go to this event with him and he told me no that if I was going he wasn't. Well he still planning on going, but I know he's not planning on taking me with him. I just don't know what to do. do I just get in the truck and go and fight with him from then on or do I just let him go and do whatever the f*** he wants to do ?? Please advise
Izzy, I really think you need to take a stand here. This is your proverbial line in the sand. If you make a threat and then don't follow you, you're telling him that he can pretty much do whatever he wants to you. He needs to realize (assuming it's true), that if he refuses to respect your wants and needs, if he cares less about your feelings than his wants, then it's time to walk away. Personally, I would tell him that if he goes, then he doesn't need to bother coming home. Or I would leave. Pack some things and take some time to think this through. I would also see a lawyer to figure out an exit plan -- what you're entitled to and how you can keep yourself safe and secure. What he's doing to you is beyond the pale. He's not being honest, he's not doing anything to make amends for the damage he's caused. This is not a marriage in the true sense. I'm so sorry Izzy. I feel horrible for what you're having to deal with. But you do NOT have to put up with this. It's terrifying. I know. But this is what your life will be if you don't start to stand up for yourself.
Izzy I'm so sorry that he didn't want you to go with him! That's a big red flag! I'm with Elle, as scary as it is to do so, you have to stand up for what you need! I'm not understanding what kind of conferences could not be attended by a spouse unless he's working for the FBI! I don't think that's what he does. How can he expect you to stay home knowing that she's attending? He needs to start considering how what he does affects you! If he's truly wanting to repair his relationship with you, he has to be willing to do what you need! I'm guessing that if you press the issue, he's going to cancel going and I say good for him! He needs to be open and telling you his plans and together you decide if you can allow it no matter if it's for work or any other activities that don't include you! That's the biggest change I've seen in my h. He has changed his activities based on mutual discussion and he never did that before his affair. He would just 'tell' me his plans and go play golf or whatever sport he happened to be interested in. I called that his selfish years and after dday, when he asked me if I thought he was selfish, I told him he needed to answer that question but after much thought on my part, I sent him an email that told him I didn't think he was totally selfish but making the decision to go on that first date and his affair was the most selfish choice he had ever made! That's when he began to ask me about what he wanted to do instead of telling me! I'm so sorry you are dealing with a selfish man! Sending hugs!
Izzy, you keep that boundary. If you don't want him going without you then make that very clear and don't compromise. If my H went, crossing the line of my boundary I'd probably use the time to throw all his stuff out on the lawn and change the locks.
I agree with Elle and Theresa, My therapist was very clear on things like this I had to say exactly what I needed to have happen. For us there was an occasion that he needed to go to and it was very possible that both ow were going to be there. We had no way of confirming without reaching out to them which neither of us wanted to do. We talked it over and we went over our options. It was we go together or not at all. He felt that it was not worth going together since the one woman he felt was not stable. Big surprise. And she had not contacted him since he told her to never again. In the end he did not go. He had to make up several excuses to the others who expected him to be there. In the end he had to do whatever it took for me to feel safe. He also does not want to see or hear from these women. When they send the random text he hates it and freaks out. He is so upset that he brought this on himself, me and our marriage. Our agreement was if there was any contact or communication that he must tell me and then we decide together. If he happens to be somewhere and one of them is there he is to leave immediately. Thinking of you!!!
I called today and found out that the hooker my H was texting WILL be there tomorrow night.... I've never had panic attacks or anxiety until all of this came up. But I feel a big one coming on I told him last week I wanted to go to this event with him and he told me no that if I was going he wasn't. Well he still planning on going, but I know he's not planning on taking me with him. I just don't know what to do. do I just get in the truck and go and fight with him from then on or do I just let him go and do whatever the f*** he wants to do ?? Please advise
Well I'm gonna have my stuff ready to go with him when he gets home this afternoon and see how he reacts. I told him last week I was going and I got the silent treatment for 3 1/2 days until i told him to go to the fu***** thing then . And he said oh i am and you are too.. so im taking that as my invite and we havent talked about it since. And he has been very nice and loving to me since. ( i feel hes just buttering me up ) but i guess we'll see this afternoon. He also now has a guy friend going with him. I'm sure he doesn't want me to go also cause how what would he tell his friends about me coming... ( it's kinda a all guy thing )
Thanks everyone.. I was surprised to see a few other women there. She never even looked our way... and my H was very nice to me the whole night. Held my hand and called me honey :) he acted like he used to. I just hope and pray it keeps getting better .. much love my friends ..
Ill let everyone know how it went. He should be home in 30 minutes to get ready. I hope we dont fight about it , but i bet we do ! And if by some crazy chance i go i bet i get the silent treatment. Or a divorce ... Please wish me luck .. hugs
Well I'm in the truck with my H and his guy friend, it's a 3 hour drive. My H has been pretty quite so I hope this isn't gonna be the start of the silent treatment.. I'll let y'all know how it goes in a few days ..
Olive Mee. I'm doing fine. My H asked me Friday if I was going and I said yes. Things went good. ( as good as can be expected ) when we got there we visited with some of my H friends and when we went inside there was the whore .. she never even looked our way..and my H even held my hand and was very nice to me. Called me honey and acted like his old normal self.. and now the last 2 days he's been sick. And has told me several times a day how much he loves me. And how beautiful I am .. ( I don't believe that one ) he also said I should raise his life insurance incase something happens.. he wants me to be taken care of.. Maybe now we can try to work past this. Cause i love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I hope everything is good with you .thanks so much
Elle
ReplyDeleteI'm a firm believer in the ability to start over! each and every day is a new beginning to a better way of life!
Starting over is not easy. Healing from this is what has made me stronger. I found that I can't change other people so I have to change the way I think and feel about them. It took me two years of my life to find this out. I wish I had know it before all of this bullshit happened. I probably could have handled it better. Every day I learn something new whether it is on here or at work. I still have trust issues with other women sometimes but who wouldn't with what we have all gone through.
ReplyDeleteI start over all the time. I'm starting over again today, in fact. Because sometimes I need a clean slate. Or to remember to be nice to myself. One of the ways I've learned to be nice to myself is to give myself as many do overs as I need.
ReplyDeleteLosing my mum 2 weeks ago shook my whole world, I'm starting to see and feel the reality of my huge loss. I'll be starting over without my mum, my kid starting over without their nanny. Life waits for no one, my grief is mine, my recovery is also mine. I'm learning to accept my mum has left this world to a better place where I will meet with her again.. yesterday i had hope, I smiled I will be ok. Starting over xxxx
ReplyDeleteStarting over. Been thinking about this one for a few months now. Starting over with him now that he has decided to give it a go. What I’ve noticed is that I hold a lot of resentment, understanding given the circumstances, and am wondering how you start over with a butt load of resentment? I am weary of his past behavior. I could give a rats ass about the affair. That was nothing compared to the lying, gas lighting, and the simple fact that he chose to convince himself that the marriage was over instead of dealing with the problems we had and his personal issues. My resentments have created a barrier that is pretty much blocking all the good years we had together. Triggers, such as last Sunday, the one year anniversary of the shit storm starting, has brought all this up. The things I laid to rest because I thought he was never coming around and it was over…FTS Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteNow that I am open to starting over with him, I realize my resentments are trust based…I don’t trust him… and I’m very sensitive to any level of what I feel to be bullshit. They are behaviors that will take time to change for both of us. As far as I can tell, he’s been honest about his feelings…remorse, guilt, shame…but he seldom shares or shows it. Not that I want the guy to come home crying and shit everyday. I doubt his sincerity cause he drug his feet for 7.5 months post DD2 before he decided to really deal with the shit storm. I don’t know, and haven’t known for several years, why he loves me, or likes me for that matter. He let’s me know his whereabouts, even though I never asked him to do that. He’s finally present, going to therapy, communicates with me now, asks me if I want to talk, treats me good, but it isn’t enough. I don’t know what enough looks like. I don’t know what it will take to put my mind and soul to ease. Do I wish he could take my pain away? Hell yes, but I know he can only help me get through it and his words and actions will be the key to building trust. But right now, what he’s been doing isn’t enough and I’m struggling with that and I feel like I’m missing something.
Please share your wisdom…♥
I called today and found out that the hooker my H was texting WILL be there tomorrow night.... I've never had panic attacks or anxiety until all of this came up. But I feel a big one coming on I told him last week I wanted to go to this event with him and he told me no that if I was going he wasn't. Well he still planning on going, but I know he's not planning on taking me with him. I just don't know what to do. do I just get in the truck and go and fight with him from then on or do I just let him go and do whatever the f*** he wants to do ?? Please advise
ReplyDeleteIzzy, I really think you need to take a stand here. This is your proverbial line in the sand. If you make a threat and then don't follow you, you're telling him that he can pretty much do whatever he wants to you. He needs to realize (assuming it's true), that if he refuses to respect your wants and needs, if he cares less about your feelings than his wants, then it's time to walk away. Personally, I would tell him that if he goes, then he doesn't need to bother coming home. Or I would leave. Pack some things and take some time to think this through. I would also see a lawyer to figure out an exit plan -- what you're entitled to and how you can keep yourself safe and secure.
DeleteWhat he's doing to you is beyond the pale. He's not being honest, he's not doing anything to make amends for the damage he's caused. This is not a marriage in the true sense.
I'm so sorry Izzy. I feel horrible for what you're having to deal with. But you do NOT have to put up with this. It's terrifying. I know. But this is what your life will be if you don't start to stand up for yourself.
Izzy
DeleteI'm so sorry that he didn't want you to go with him! That's a big red flag! I'm with Elle, as scary as it is to do so, you have to stand up for what you need! I'm not understanding what kind of conferences could not be attended by a spouse unless he's working for the FBI! I don't think that's what he does. How can he expect you to stay home knowing that she's attending? He needs to start considering how what he does affects you! If he's truly wanting to repair his relationship with you, he has to be willing to do what you need! I'm guessing that if you press the issue, he's going to cancel going and I say good for him! He needs to be open and telling you his plans and together you decide if you can allow it no matter if it's for work or any other activities that don't include you! That's the biggest change I've seen in my h. He has changed his activities based on mutual discussion and he never did that before his affair. He would just 'tell' me his plans and go play golf or whatever sport he happened to be interested in. I called that his selfish years and after dday, when he asked me if I thought he was selfish, I told him he needed to answer that question but after much thought on my part, I sent him an email that told him I didn't think he was totally selfish but making the decision to go on that first date and his affair was the most selfish choice he had ever made! That's when he began to ask me about what he wanted to do instead of telling me! I'm so sorry you are dealing with a selfish man! Sending hugs!
Izzy, you keep that boundary. If you don't want him going without you then make that very clear and don't compromise. If my H went, crossing the line of my boundary I'd probably use the time to throw all his stuff out on the lawn and change the locks.
DeleteI agree with Elle and Theresa, My therapist was very clear on things like this I had to say exactly what I needed to have happen. For us there was an occasion that he needed to go to and it was very possible that both ow were going to be there. We had no way of confirming without reaching out to them which neither of us wanted to do. We talked it over and we went over our options. It was we go together or not at all. He felt that it was not worth going together since the one woman he felt was not stable. Big surprise. And she had not contacted him since he told her to never again. In the end he did not go. He had to make up several excuses to the others who expected him to be there. In the end he had to do whatever it took for me to feel safe. He also does not want to see or hear from these women. When they send the random text he hates it and freaks out. He is so upset that he brought this on himself, me and our marriage. Our agreement was if there was any contact or communication that he must tell me and then we decide together. If he happens to be somewhere and one of them is there he is to leave immediately. Thinking of you!!!
DeleteI called today and found out that the hooker my H was texting WILL be there tomorrow night.... I've never had panic attacks or anxiety until all of this came up. But I feel a big one coming on I told him last week I wanted to go to this event with him and he told me no that if I was going he wasn't. Well he still planning on going, but I know he's not planning on taking me with him. I just don't know what to do. do I just get in the truck and go and fight with him from then on or do I just let him go and do whatever the f*** he wants to do ?? Please advise
ReplyDeleteWell I'm gonna have my stuff ready to go with him when he gets home this afternoon and see how he reacts. I told him last week I was going and I got the silent treatment for 3 1/2 days until i told him to go to the fu***** thing then . And he said oh i am and you are too.. so im taking that as my invite and we havent talked about it since. And he has been very nice and loving to me since. ( i feel hes just buttering me up ) but i guess we'll see this afternoon. He also now has a guy friend going with him. I'm sure he doesn't want me to go also cause how what would he tell his friends about me coming... ( it's kinda a all guy thing )
ReplyDeleteit's not an all guy thing if the whore is going to be there!
DeleteYou go and look FABULOUS and appear very happy and in love in front of OW izzy.
Thanks everyone.. I was surprised to see a few other women there. She never even looked our way... and my H was very nice to me the whole night. Held my hand and called me honey :) he acted like he used to. I just hope and pray it keeps getting better .. much love my friends ..
DeleteIll let everyone know how it went. He should be home in 30 minutes to get ready. I hope we dont fight about it , but i bet we do ! And if by some crazy chance i go i bet i get the silent treatment. Or a divorce ...
ReplyDeletePlease wish me luck .. hugs
Well I'm in the truck with my H and his guy friend, it's a 3 hour drive. My H has been pretty quite so I hope this isn't gonna be the start of the silent treatment..
ReplyDeleteI'll let y'all know how it goes in a few days ..
Izzy. Been thinking about you all weekend and hope you are well. Please check in when you can. Sending love and hugs...Michelle
DeleteOlive Mee. I'm doing fine. My H asked me Friday if I was going and I said yes. Things went good. ( as good as can be expected ) when we got there we visited with some of my H friends and when we went inside there was the whore .. she never even looked our way..and my H even held my hand and was very nice to me. Called me honey and acted like his old normal self.. and now the last 2 days he's been sick. And has told me several times a day how much he loves me. And how beautiful I am .. ( I don't believe that one ) he also said I should raise his life insurance incase something happens.. he wants me to be taken care of..
ReplyDeleteMaybe now we can try to work past this. Cause i love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I hope everything is good with you .thanks so much