I found something that I thought I'd share. I have expressed how dark it felt for me in the early days after discovery. How I looked at everyone (even strangers) with suspicion. The whole world felt mean and dangerous to me. Sometimes, even now, I can start feeling that fear or that "outside the human experience" feeling. I've read others here felt/feel this too at least at the beginning. I found a podcast that has short 5 min episodes. It's called Kind World. A person explains how an act of kindness from another had a profound impact on their lives. The stories are thoughtful and deep. I wish I had found it sooner (like during my darkest days). They're perfect for a walk, and they really bring me to the place where I know the world is just as full of kindness as it has ever been despite the pain all around me sometimes. It makes me feel connected I guess. Anyway, if you're looking for a way to see kindness, it might help? *hugs*
I find it much easier to connect with strangers or only acquaintances. I am sure it is the fact that I have zero expectations of them. I love supporting others and reaching out to them. It is even better than giving a material gift. It gives back in so many ways. For me it is the people who are close to me. I was always so forgiving of everyone before dday. Now I struggle to overlook things and maybe it is just I am using up all of my energy with my marriage. But with family, friends and other people who are close I just do not feel strong support or connection anymore. Some of it is they complain about what now seems trivial.
Hopeful 30, I hear ya on that! I lost patience for some friends that are pretty shallow. Had to ditch them actually right away. The ones that are left are good friends with decent hearts. I have fewer friends and fewer social engagements, but I feel good when the meeting is over.I can't stand trivial or shallow, and definitely not mean anymore. I should have noticed prior to my crisis with my H, but I didn't. I thought that's what a person had to put up with to have friends... turns out it's not (so glad for that). I have about 4 friends now. They're good ones through. And I too, limit my time away because of the need to focus on my marriage. Kindness toward and from strangers really keeps me hopeful now.
Hopeful 30, I feel pretty much the same way you do. I feel no obligation to strangers to share anything whereas when I see/socialize with established friends I often feel like I am fake. I know most people have private lives that are not shared but my life has been a fairly open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve so it has been a hard road for me to walk after D-day. So much feels fake. My limited energy goes to myself and my kids/grandkids and my marriage. Now that I'm no longer living in my hometown for a few months I feel much freer. Free to be a new me with choices I felt denied me back there.
Hopeful, I also found that this whole thing changed my view of people. I never really had many expectations from strangers but I’m more prone to be critical of friends and family now. I find myself thinking, “I wouldn’t treat them the way they treat me.” and I’m far more likely to be hurt or saddrened by their actions than I was before. I wonder now if they always behaved this way and I just never noticed. Or are the potentially dealing with their own issues that I’m not aware of? I know I’ve five a pretty good job of keeping my issues in my marriage to myself. My husband tells me my friends may not have picked up on my sadness because I’ve done a good job of hiding it. Like both you and Ann, I try to show kindness to strangers or do things that feel rewarding to me. I’ve signed up to volunteer at a dog rescue where we just adopted a puppy. Watching the people who already volunteer there made me realize there are plenty of people left in this work who show kindness with no expectation of anything in return.
Yes yes yes! I agree with all of you. Thank you for all of your replies. I struggle since if I verbalize this to my husband he is upset since he feels responsible for this down turn of my attitude towards the world and distance with friends. It is so true what all of you say. My friends share similar personalities and moral expectations I do. For me it has been hard since topics related to betrayal and behavior by men or women that is negative in their marriage will come up and they are very much of the same belief as I was and am. However they are all zero tolerance. And of course maybe they would change if it happened to them but it makes me feel negative or even question my decisions. Like Beach Girl I focus on my kids and my work. I so wish we could move away but we are not at a stage that it really would make sense career wise for my husband or for our kids. I feel stuck here. I so wish we could go somewhere new. Even where we live there are so few people I want to connect with. It is either people that I would say party a lot or people that do nothing. Most people where we live do not agree with us from a political or personal belief side and like I said they are either so hands off with their kids or so hands on they have no time. It seems like there is no middle ground. Thanks again though it is nice to hear from all of you. It can feel so lonely even though I am a person that loves my alone time more than the normal person.
Thanks for that! It hits home. It is something I need to repeat to myself over and over.
ReplyDeleteLove this hug. So true!
ReplyDeleteI found something that I thought I'd share. I have expressed how dark it felt for me in the early days after discovery. How I looked at everyone (even strangers) with suspicion. The whole world felt mean and dangerous to me. Sometimes, even now, I can start feeling that fear or that "outside the human experience" feeling. I've read others here felt/feel this too at least at the beginning. I found a podcast that has short 5 min episodes. It's called Kind World. A person explains how an act of kindness from another had a profound impact on their lives. The stories are thoughtful and deep. I wish I had found it sooner (like during my darkest days). They're perfect for a walk, and they really bring me to the place where I know the world is just as full of kindness as it has ever been despite the pain all around me sometimes. It makes me feel connected I guess. Anyway, if you're looking for a way to see kindness, it might help? *hugs*
I find it much easier to connect with strangers or only acquaintances. I am sure it is the fact that I have zero expectations of them. I love supporting others and reaching out to them. It is even better than giving a material gift. It gives back in so many ways. For me it is the people who are close to me. I was always so forgiving of everyone before dday. Now I struggle to overlook things and maybe it is just I am using up all of my energy with my marriage. But with family, friends and other people who are close I just do not feel strong support or connection anymore. Some of it is they complain about what now seems trivial.
DeleteHopeful 30,
DeleteI hear ya on that! I lost patience for some friends that are pretty shallow. Had to ditch them actually right away. The ones that are left are good friends with decent hearts. I have fewer friends and fewer social engagements, but I feel good when the meeting is over.I can't stand trivial or shallow, and definitely not mean anymore. I should have noticed prior to my crisis with my H, but I didn't. I thought that's what a person had to put up with to have friends... turns out it's not (so glad for that). I have about 4 friends now. They're good ones through. And I too, limit my time away because of the need to focus on my marriage. Kindness toward and from strangers really keeps me hopeful now.
Hopeful 30, I feel pretty much the same way you do. I feel no obligation to strangers to share anything whereas when I see/socialize with established friends I often feel like I am fake. I know most people have private lives that are not shared but my life has been a fairly open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve so it has been a hard road for me to walk after D-day. So much feels fake. My limited energy goes to myself and my kids/grandkids and my marriage. Now that I'm no longer living in my hometown for a few months I feel much freer. Free to be a new me with choices I felt denied me back there.
DeleteHopeful,
DeleteI also found that this whole thing changed my view of people. I never really had many expectations from strangers but I’m more prone to be critical of friends and family now. I find myself thinking, “I wouldn’t treat them the way they treat me.” and I’m far more likely to be hurt or saddrened by their actions than I was before. I wonder now if they always behaved this way and I just never noticed. Or are the potentially dealing with their own issues that I’m not aware of? I know I’ve five a pretty good job of keeping my issues in my marriage to myself. My husband tells me my friends may not have picked up on my sadness because I’ve done a good job of hiding it.
Like both you and Ann, I try to show kindness to strangers or do things that feel rewarding to me. I’ve signed up to volunteer at a dog rescue where we just adopted a puppy. Watching the people who already volunteer there made me realize there are plenty of people left in this work who show kindness with no expectation of anything in return.
Yes yes yes! I agree with all of you. Thank you for all of your replies. I struggle since if I verbalize this to my husband he is upset since he feels responsible for this down turn of my attitude towards the world and distance with friends. It is so true what all of you say. My friends share similar personalities and moral expectations I do. For me it has been hard since topics related to betrayal and behavior by men or women that is negative in their marriage will come up and they are very much of the same belief as I was and am. However they are all zero tolerance. And of course maybe they would change if it happened to them but it makes me feel negative or even question my decisions. Like Beach Girl I focus on my kids and my work. I so wish we could move away but we are not at a stage that it really would make sense career wise for my husband or for our kids. I feel stuck here. I so wish we could go somewhere new. Even where we live there are so few people I want to connect with. It is either people that I would say party a lot or people that do nothing. Most people where we live do not agree with us from a political or personal belief side and like I said they are either so hands off with their kids or so hands on they have no time. It seems like there is no middle ground. Thanks again though it is nice to hear from all of you. It can feel so lonely even though I am a person that loves my alone time more than the normal person.
Delete