Monday, December 21, 2020

Finding Your "Self" In Trauma and Transformation

 Healing from betrayal is very different than healing from other crises...because the self has to be rebuilt.

~Dr. Debi Silber, Post-Betrayal Trauma Institute


The self has to be rebuilt. That phrase brings tears to my eyes because, for me, it was the absolute truth. I was so shattered by my husband's betrayal that I had days when I felt like a ghost. A shell that contained only pain. I questioned my value. I considered suicide. I felt erased by him, as if everything I had done as his wife, as mother to his children, as his best friend didn't amount to anything. 

What betrayal also exposed was just how fragile my "self" was. I wasn't made of stone but of glass. But though betrayal levelled me, it also created the space for transformation. As Dr. Silber puts it, "if your house is levelled, don't build the same house". Whether you apply that statement to yourself or your marriage (or both!), the idea is the same. This is your moment to rebuild in a way that's stronger. 

In my case, it meant revisiting a whole lot of childhood trauma (which I had never considered "trauma" so much as just "shitty"). It meant paying attention to how things that I thought benign or ordinary had lain the groundwork for me to tolerate things that I shouldn't have. Consider this: My brother often beat me up. He was three years older, infinitely stronger and with a temper that frightened my parents too. They rarely stepped in. To me, it was garden-variety sibling stuff. Didn't everyone get the shit beat out of them by their siblings? Well, no, according to my horrified therapist who pointed out that my continued struggle with other people's anger likely had its roots in those early experiences where I learned that anger meant violence. 

Rebuilding my shattered self meant reexamining things I'd long believed or accepted and deciding what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to toss. It was a sort of psychological/emotional Marie Kondo-ing of my inner clutter.

That's available to you too. "Trauma is the setup for transformation," says Dr. Silber. The key is moving out of the trauma. I know, I know. Not easy and might require the help of a professional. I finally turned to EMDR when I found it too difficult to move past the trauma. I felt stuck in trauma, like the cement was hardening around my feet. But, as we've all discovered, the only way out is through. Which means feeling all the feelings, crying all the tears, moving through the stages of grief

I say that I discovered my self was built of glass, not stone. And yet...that self held seeds of this self. That self transported me to this place. Right here, right now. In which I consider myself worthy and lovable. In which I know myself to matter. It took strength, which must have already been there. Yours is there too. 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this. I am in the midst of my transformation and I know there is a beautiful butterfly waiting to come out. It's scary and exciting at the same time. I don't like how this "awakening" came but I'm going to build a new me from it, for sure. I won't let his shitty choices define ME. I can move forward with integrity and value. It has taken me a year to get to this point and I am still grieving what once was...I was a judgmental, quick to anger, non-questioning, gullible person but I also trusted and was loving and kind too. I don't know how that woman came to be but I know there are pieces of me inside that are longing to be discovered. He is trying to figure himself out too. He didn't change because of the other woman, she made him WORSE. He says I didn't deserve that shitty person and he's right. We both can do better. My goals aren't as high as his and my margin of error isn't so steep but I'm on this journey of self-discovery. I still don't know if I can forgive him or if I even have to (I'm STILL grieving) but we will see if we choose to be on this journey together. For now, we are both still here. It will never be erased. He made this part of our past. I hope I can move through it like you did, Elle. Thanks to good therapists, we learn something new each time. Happy Holidays!

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