Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Transforming pain? Or transmitting it?

I have elevated "do as I say, not as I do" to an art form. I preach Dalai Lama but I practice Taylor Swift. Which is all a way of saying that although I want to float above the fray, to go high when others go low, sometimes I find myself in the mud, slinging away with the others.
"Those who don't transform their pain transmit it," says Father Richard Rohr, a Jesuit priest, speaking words that transcend any religious doctrine.
And when I'm in pain is, of course, when I go low.
When I'm scared is when I go low.
When I'm angry is when I go low.
For instance, I recently read about a well-known misogynist who's suffering health issues. My first thought, "wow. He's in real trouble." My second? I'm ashamed to say it was to mentally give karma a high-five.
I catch myself. I don't want to be a horrible person. I want to be serene and generous of spirit and empathetic, even to awful people who make life harder for other people. And I often succeed. Or, at least I succeed when I can connect with that awful person's vulnerability. When I can see that awful person's pain.
I was finally able to release myself from the festering hatred of the OW when I could recognize her pain. The second I was able to extend even the tiniest bit of empathy toward her, a miracle occurred. She no longer occupied my thoughts. She no longer poisoned my soul.
But what about those times when I just can't? When their pain isn't visible, when I can't conjure up empathy? When their cruelty seems so gleeful, when they seem to be benefiting from it? Well, then, I generally offer up a hearty "fuck you". Maybe not overtly. But my heart has a helluva middle finger.
The math goes like this:
My pain + the ability to see another's pain = compassion/transformation.
My pain + inability to see another person's pain = transmission
The problem with transmitting our pain is that it isn't like something I can pass to someone else, leaving me pain-free. Rather, it's like a virus. I still have my pain but I've also infected another through cruelty or just a lack of compassion.
Anne Lamott puts it this way: "Some days the only thing that can cheer me up is something bad happening to someone I hate."
Yep. Exactly.
Except the times in my life when I've spewed that bile, when I've wished horrible things on horrible people, when I've celebrated another's misfortune, I've been the one who feels horrible. My pain, transmitted, re-infects me.
When what I want is transformation.
What I want is mercy. We all do. Or, as Lamott says, "I am starving to death for it, and my world is, too.
I've been on the receiving end of mercy and it's transformative. I've been given the benefit of the doubt when I probably didn't deserve it. I've been given a second chance when I messed up the first one.
Which is why I want so badly to extend that mercy in a way that transforms. To rid myself of the desire to see others hurt, even if they really really deserve it.
Cause that's another tricky thing about mercy. Most of us don't deserve it.
Our husbands don't deserve it.
They messed up their first chance and probably their second.
Feeling empathy for them isn't exonerating them. It doesn't mean that what they did to us was okay. It isn't about giving them permission to do it again.
Rather, it's about refusing to infect another with our pain and refusing to allow them to infect us with theirs.
Not easy. Especially when we're festering in our hatred. When our pain feels radioactive.
But the alternative to mercy – to instead keep transmitting our pain – does little for our own healing.
Only when we can take responsibility for the only thing that truly IS our responsibility – our own actions – can we begin to feel free of our pain. And of theirs.
As Nadia Bolz-Weber puts it: "Option 1 feels like poison. And Option 2 feels like freedom."
And doesn't freedom sound lovely?

16 comments:

  1. Oh Elle I hear you. Yes when I heard about that person's health issues I felt a sort of Ha Karma! But then I felt terrible and i said a prayer for him and his family and that God could be merciful to him and his family. And then he said something so awful yesterday and well I sort of regretted my prayer and wished him misery and I had to start all over with my prayers of Mercy and Grace. UGH why does life have to have so many lessons?? Lol I'm pretty sure that guy couldn't care less or even would hate prayers from people like me!

    To that point the OW in my husband's life got cancer and died 3 years later. I never wished cancer or anything horrible like that on her. In fact the worst I wished on her is she'd be rear-ended by a city bus and have whiplash the rest of her life! That didn't happen so my wishes kinda suck. Kinda like my wish to win a lottery! I wasn't sad she was sick and I wasn't happy either and I did ponder the reality of Karma during that time.

    But you can't believe the people that said awful things to me when they heard she was sick and dying. Like I was relishing her illness as if I 'wished" it on her. In fact I wasn't relishing anything about it. It was simply a fact of her experience with sickness and death, not mine. To this day 3 years since she died I still hear "oh I bet you're not sorry she's dead". Well in fact it made no difference in my life if she were dead or alive. She wasn't the main factor in my husband's poor choices. It could have been anyone. How do you tell someone who says things like this to you that no indeed you are not happy or sad she is dead because she made no difference in my life. How do you say you actually prayed for her and her family during that time without your audience giving you that "oh sure you did" look?

    It's a no win situation and you are right. Wising bad things on awful people is to no avail and doesn't help you. But dang sometimes it creeps in and we just have to do a mental fist pump :)

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    1. TH,
      I'm not sure we're talking about the same person but unfortunately there are plenty of misogynistic horrible people to go around.
      And yes, I can imagine how you felt learning she had cancer. Suddenly, when bad things actually happen, I morph into Mother Theresa. Who REALLY wants a bad thing to happen? Most of us just want that person out of our lives!
      I think your best response is exactly what you've done -- live your life as if the OW's presence or absence has no bearing on it.

      Delete
  2. I know that what you are saying might be true and the right way to handle things, but for me isn't being easy to remove the huge amount of HATE I still feeling for the OW. I do understand that it make me unable to move forward completely but I can't go the other way. I still wishing all the bad stuff that might happen to a person like her. I just want to give her the same amount of pain that I felt. Why should I have any consideration with the Ow if she didn't show any and she was the one that mess with my life first.
    It's been a year and and a half, I don't know where should I be regarding this issue or if it will vanish someday soon . Sometimes I hate myself for both,for let someone else hurt me so easily and for not being able to just forget about her existence. Meanwhile I just do what I can,I'll survive and live one day at the time.I just don't want to let the memories about the Ow stop me for enjoying and rebuild my relationship because she's not in our lives anymore (but still I'mn my mind.) Does it really go away with time?

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    Replies
    1. Lili,
      I get it. I think a LOT of us get it. It's really really hard to let go of the intense hatred and I don't think it happens like magic. I also want to encourage you to eliminate "should" from your vocabulary. Because healing takes place on a slow timeline and each of us is different. It can cause even greater pain to think we "should" be at a certain place in our healing, or that we "should" be over it. You'll get there.
      The point of this post is largely to urge each of us in a direction that better allows our own healing. I HATED the OW. In a way I have never hated anyone before or since. But, slowly, I chipped away at that hatred, in part by recognizing her humanity, her vulnerability. By seeing her as someone who was transmitting her own pain rather than transforming it. Hurt people hurt people.
      So, give yourself time and be patient with yourself. Our ability to release others begin with an ability to release ourselves from unreasonable expectations.

      Delete
    2. Your words mean a lot to me and I really hope that time and hard work heal me at the end.Like they say you don't know how strong you are unti being strong is your only choice. This is the first time ever that I have hated someone but I also know that for my own sake I will overcome it.

      Delete
    3. Lili,
      Yes you will. I can absolutely promise you that time and hard work will transform you through this. You will not be the same person you were before -- that's impossible. But you will feel joy and peace and all the good things that feel lost right now.

      Delete
    4. Lili, I think it can take a lot of time. For me it happened once I focused only on me. I got to a point where I decided that I was not going to let her waste anymore of my life. I spent enough time tracking her, trying to learn about her, hating her to a level like no other. But I really focused on myself then my husband. In the end he was the one that made the promise to me. I needed to let her go and focus on what I needed to do to build a new marriage. That became my priority and really she became invisible and forgotten.

      Delete
  3. I have come to a realization that I will never stop hating the other woman. I hate her to my core. Despite that I do not let her consume my every waking thoughts but there will never be a time that I won't wish her the same pain inflicted on her as she did to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I felt that way too. I couldn't imagine ever NOT being consumed with burning hatred and rage.
      It burned out. The day came when I could view her with pity rather than hatred, when she seemed not so much powerful as pathetic. And that was when I was able to release her and myself.

      Delete
  4. I also struggle with completely letting go of the pain she causes when I think about her. For me what is helpful is the realization that her pain has to be even greater than mine for her to have behaved the way she did. Deep down she must feel it no matter what she tells herself. After 4.5 years my husband disengaged in 24 hours. She lost her job. She lied to her husband and neglected her child. As far as I know she hasn't disclosed to her husband. With out disclosure, there can be no healing, so as I see it she must still be stewing in her pain.

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    1. Suzy, I suspect you're right. Though I don't think a lot of these women are given to much introspection. But I do think there's an emptiness that they fill with infidelity. I think the same holds true for our spouses who cheat. I do know that, no matter how much it sucked to be me at that point, I still would never have wanted to be her.

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    2. Lil, Anon, Suzy, I'm in a pretty delicate place right now but yesterday I thought of this.
      I used to hate her for fucking my husband. But, if you really think about it, my husband fucked her! maybe this will help me (or you gals) to somehow get to that place where she has no more power. The pain is absolutely excruciating still but I am hopeful for a better tomorrow. Just a thought.

      (Thank you for the replies above. They are a great help.)

      Delete
  5. Been thinking about this for a few days. The homily this Sunday was about loving your enemies. I know before Christmas I spent the day googling forgiveness. I did feel better at the end of the day. I felt that even if I couldn’t forgive her, I could not care about her, take away her power. She didn’t matter. What mattered was it was over. But the last week has been horrible. New information that set me back to square one. I was howling in pain this morning. I HATE this! I hate that we are going through this. I just want to be normal again.

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  6. TrueLove, I don't know how far out you are from knowing about your husband's infidelity. Howling with pain sounds pretty familiar.
    But even though you're learning new details, the facts remain the same: It's over. Remind yourself that you are safe. That you are strong and brave and that you will get through this.
    I'm so sorry you're going through it though. Normal will come again. I promise.

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  7. I discovered my husband was cheating on me 3 weeks ago. He was traveling so I didn't allow him in the house anymore. We've met 3 times since then (twice with a marriage therapist) and he is very misterious about what he wants to do. I've heard that he is still talking to the OW even after agreeing with the psychologist that he would cut any communication with her.
    I am in such pain and confused. I just can't believe this is all happening but so greatful that I've found this blog, I can't stop reading it and it explains so much of his behaviour.
    Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BF,
      I'm glad you found us too. Keep reading. You'll find incredible support and wisdom and guidance from an army of women who know your pain.

      Delete

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