"Secrets are the spots in our lives where we are most devoted to being preachy." ~Penelope Trunk
Certain people in my life seem heavily invested in convincing me about their life choices. For instance, a stay-at-home mom I know frequently points out that the reason her children are thriving is because she's been so dedicated to their well-being, as if women who've chosen to work outside the home have not.
Another friend whose husband cheated (before I realized mine was too) defended her choice to divorce (though I wasn't judging her for it. I figured I'd divorce too) by citing all the ways in which it was impossible to reconcile with someone who had done such a thing. She later, in a moment of candor and after I'd decided to reconcile, admitted that she regretted the divorce.
In other words, the people who most vehemently defend their life choices are generally the ones most unsure about them. Please agree with me, their words say. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing.
We all fear making mistakes. I think the so-called Mommy Wars are nothing more than women at their most vulnerable trying to convince themselves that their way is the best way. Those who feel safe in their choices don't have a need to convince anyone else. Those who trust their own experience – and response to it – aren't threatened by someone choosing differently.
Life is messy. Husbands do sometimes cheat again (or never stop). Ex-husbands sometimes turn out to have learned a painful lesson that positively impacts their future relationships. Careers don't work out. Kids rebel. For all our best intentions, life generally doesn't go exactly how we'd like it to go.
Which is why it's so crucial that we make our choices based on what feels best for us, regardless of what those around us are telling us. They aren't the ones who have to live our choices.
If we're unsure what's best? We need to give ourselves some time to get clear. Or at least clearer. It might help to solicit advice from those who've proven wise and compassionate.
But everyone else? Especially those who don't know us, or are most certain that they know how everyone should be living their lives – and that includes headline writers for tabloid magazines? Know that their secret is that they're terrified. Acting certain is nothing more than a masquerade for fear. Judgement is insecurity with a megaphone.
The truly brave among us admit that they don't know what's right for anyone but themselves...and sometimes not even that.
Love all your posts Elle. Thank you for taking your time to help so many others that are going through this hell. I found out 4&1/2 months ago while pregnant with or 4th child my husband of seven years was having an affair with someone he met through his work. I found out after finding a text on his phone that read "I'm home now" and that was it no other conversations or phone history was there. He had deleted everything. It was 2 in the morning and I didn't want to wake him up because I just didn't think it was possible that he would ever do anything like that. So I got up sat on the couch and went to my old friend "google". After googling her name I realized this was a girl I had met at one of his work dinners. I was sick!!!! I sat on my couch staring off thinking this can't be happening. A few hours later my husband got up and asked what I was doing. I asked him why jestine was texting him "I'm home now" and he got sick, started throwing up but still telling me it was nothing. That morning he went to work and I called her but no answer. Kept calling over and over feeling so helpless. Finally I sent her a text saying who I was and asked her to call me. She responded with "yes, is everything ok?"
ReplyDeleteWell, she never called and I then called my husband and begged him to tell me the truth he swore on everything again that nothing happened. After pleading over and over he finally told me he just kissed her. My heart sank and my world turned upside down. I called him a few names and hung up. I then called her and she answered and was a complete bitch to me saying this was an issue between my husband and I but that her and my husband just have "this amazing connection". When he got home that night we talked and he told me that they have been "friends" for a year and a half. They had gone to lunch once a month, texted, emailed and called each other a few times a week. One night at a wine party for work back in September, she was there and they ended up making out, fondling each other and when she wanted it to go further he said,"we don't have to do that". And that was it. Since that night even though he said he felt horrible he still continued to go to luch/after work drinks a few times and made out with her when saying their goodbyes. He told me that the night she had sent the text he had not seen her, that he had tried calling her to come hang out but she was busy. This has all been so hard to deal with but I was starting to forgive. Fast forward 4 months... I had my baby in May and went in for my 6 week check up the week before last were they did a pap. A few days ago I get a call from my Dr. telling me I tested positive for hpv!!! A sexually transmitted infection!!!!!! I have NEVER had this before and have been with my husband for 10 years and I am not out sleeping around! I am crushed!! He still is telling me they didn't have sex and feels horrible. He says he will take a lie detector test?! I am so lost and confused and not feeling like I trust or believe him. This has been far more than I can handle. I am doing my best to try and be a good mom, I have 3 boys, 7,5,2 and now a 2 months old baby girl. They need me and I am not here! I don't know what to do. I am beyond heartbroken. How can I try to move forward not knowing if he is telling me the truth? He is very sorry and remorseful. Tells me that I am all he wants and that he made a mistake. Your advice would be so very helpful. Sorry and the run on sentences and grammar. I am nursing my baby and trying to maintaining my wild boys while pouring my heart out.
I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. Please don't beat yourself up re. your kids. Right now, they need a mom who's physically present -- ie. won't let them electrocute themselves. You'll be able to be there emotionally for them once this has settled down. And it will settle down. Your biggest task right now is to take care of yourself -- sleep as much as you can, eat well, and simply do your best to stay physically healthy.
DeleteIf your husband is willing to take a lie detector test, I would take him up on the offer. Here's what a public health Web site says about hpv and cheating: "A recent diagnosis of anogenital warts or HPV related precancerous or cancerous lesion(s) does not necessarily mean that a partner has been unfaithful. Infection with HPV may have occurred years ago and the virus can remain in the body for weeks, years, or even a lifetime, without any sign of an infection. This makes it hard to know exactly when or from whom someone got the virus. There is no way to find out how long a particular infection has been there. Most people who are infected with anogenital HPV are not aware of it."
I think it's important for you to be in marital counselling (though I'm sure it's hard to find time with four kids) where you can explore what was going through his mind when he pursued an obviously inappropriate friendship, and figure out how to heal going forward. At that point, also, you can have a disclosure session where he comes completely clean about the whole story, with a counsellor there as support for both of you.
Again, I'm so sorry. There's lots of info on this site and others to guide you through. The biggest thing is that this will get easier. You will come to a place where this is just a bad memory. In the meantime, congratulations on your healthy baby girl. That's worth celebrating, even if it happened during a dark time in your life.
Elle
Anon
DeleteMy heart goes out to you. This is a miserable position to be in let alone with 3 little ones and and infant. I agree with everything Elle told you. Concentrate on yourself and your dear children. Your husband is in a dark place and until HE recognizes his bad behavior you can not nor do you have the time to expend on helping him. Do not contact the OW again. They all say the same thing. You husband may even need to move jobs if he wants to keep your family BUT he is the one who is going to have to clean up his own shit show that HE created.
I wish I could scoop you up and tell you everything is going to be ok and maybe change a couple of diapers for you too. Is your family close that they can lend a hand? If not a good friend that you can trust? Try to get some outside help and take care of yourself for your children sake.
Hugs to you
Amen to your post Elle. I don't quite get the whole judgemental part of those who have chosen different paths after infidelity. I've read so many stories and many do seem pretty hopeless such as serial cheaters, abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, and not just infidelity, and my heart goes out to these people. I think they are smart to leave and I certainly get the bitterness. That said I am sure there are many people who look at my choice to stay and try to work things out for a myriad of reasons and judge my mental acuity in such a decision. I understand their judgement because I even question myself why I'm doing this! All I can say is for right now this is the right decision for ME. Those who judge can go ahead. I listen to their points and put them in my bank in case I ever do decide to change my mind. Some folks out there in the blogosphere are just plain rude and mean. Too bad for them. Maybe there's a reason why they are in the spot they find themselves and should spend some introspective time looking at their own character flaws!
ReplyDeleteTrue that. The blogosphere can reveal the best but sometimes the worst of humanity.
DeleteDear Anon,
ReplyDeleteSorry you have to be apart of this "club". It's no fun and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Our stories are similar (tho my husband didn't know her and nothing beyond one night) but I know how confusing It can be when your husband didn't have sex (and I hope that truly is the case for you). For me it was a weird place to be in, and still is sometimes. My husband didn't have sex, he stopped before it went to the point of no return so to speak. Doesn't make anything easier and doesn't mean your hurt isn't valid (as someone on another site tried to tell me). I wouldn't contact the OW anymore either, and believe me almost a year later and I still fight the urge. They truly all usually say the same things. Anything to make them look innocent in this mess. Elle's blog and counseling has been our saving grace and I hope you can find a counselor regardless of what path you choose. A year since d day is next month, and I'm not healed completely, but I'm no where near were I was when he told me, I'm nowhere near were I was 3 months ago. If you have people you can trust and talk too, do it. It can help immensely. And if someone reacts harshly and cruel, it says more about them then you. Judgement is my biggest issue now, but I realize friends/family/anyone didn't walk the path with my husband. They don't know him like I do, they haven't walked this journey like we have. Elle's helped me a lot with that, especially these past two posts. While I still mourn friendships lost I realized they weren't friendships at all. I wish you and your husband luck and healing.
As someone whose spouse did "go all the way"--albeit "just" twice, the sex feels like such a tiny part of it. But each story is different, I imagine that for someone whose spouse had ongoing relationship(s) or frequented hookers or had some other acting out, it is different. Maybe it feels worse, but I really don't know. All I know, is that every part of me shattered.
DeleteOur couples therapist said to me, infront of my husband, "this is your personal holocaust." At first I was shocked. The "H" word is sacred. But then I realized she is a Israeli jew. She wouldn't casually use that word. But she is right. Betrayal is betrayal and it can feel like annihilation of your soul. The thing to tell yourself over and over again, "I will not be annihilated," until you can believe it.
My husband had an emotional affair a number of years ago. The main reason it didn't lead to sex is because I discovered it and it ended as a result (as far as I know.) What I'm healing from now is a physical and emotional affair he was in for almost 6 months. We're well over a year into our recovery. They had lots of sex. Too many times to be counted for sure... for the most part they were "hit and run" encounters. Every part of it- the physical, the emotional- is devastating. It does hurt more than his first emotional affair, but it doesn't feel as different as I would have expected. Both were traumatic for me to discover and difficult to heal from.
DeleteThank you all for your your kind words of comfort. I am in a much better place than I was just a few days ago, but I know I have a VERY long road ahead of me. I think one of the most disturbing things for me right now is when my husband and I are intimate I picture him kissing or touching OW and I get sick to my stomach.
DeleteThanks for the info about hpv Elle. I had asked my Dr. about that last week and she told me it was probably not likely for me to have had it from before, but the more I am researching it I am finding that it is possible. She knows about the affair and has been through the same thing (husband cheated while she was pregnant) and she divorced him. When I told her my husband said he didn't have sex she said,"that's what they all say!". So who knows....
SO glad I found this blog!
Hugs to you all!!
Don't let her comment upset you too much. Sounds like to me she hasn't really healed herself and projecting on to you.
DeleteI think it is important to remember that even us BW will judge and have issues with the way you are doing your recovery. I remember that early on, a new-ish friend who found out about my affair (yep, my story practically became national news in our community). She contacted me, I thought to give me support, which was welcomed. But then I realize in retrospect that she had not healed. She was very retriggered by my story, I could see the trauma on her face, and seemed to avoid me after. She admitted that she was very young and couldn't handle the mind movies and couldn't consider reconciling with her first husband. I could tell that the older, more mature her might have regrets about that. She remarried and has a great family, as far as I can tell. But I would understand that seeing me and my H be able to work on reconciling, stirs up feelings of "what if."
DeleteOne other thing I try to be aware of is when I let other people's words or thoughts, trigger my own self judgement. We all have opinions. The new skill I am working on is how to hear other people's opinions without resenting them and having it affect how I feel about myself. Very hard stuff and not something I do well since the trauma of betrayal.
MBS
Welcome Kate M. Sorry for what you've gone through but glad you found us. As for your doctor, Anonymous, seriously?? She should be giving you sound medical information, not speculating about the whereabouts of your husband's penis. I think it's wonderful if a doctor offers support...but that's not support. That's, as another Anonymous said, projection. She sounds bitter and cynical. Whether she's right, who knows? But it's not helpful.
DeleteThis is the same Anon that's posted a few times on here. First Elle thank you for posting about this. This is something that's been the hardest for me, personally. Something that MBS said struck a cord with me. I'm trying to not let comments from friends, blogs, what have you bother me and make me resentful, but at the same time I'm finding my voice too. I understand friends family being angry and upset. I can understand some of the comments, but at almost a year later, I'm voicing that enough is enough. It's not something i deal with a lot, but I can tell how people have changed how they act around my husband now. A snide comment here or there. I finally have just said "look I understand your anger, but we as a couple are doing everything we can to bring healing. He's doing everything he can to understand his actions, to understand himself, and to right the wrong that he did. If you wanna hold on to anger about something that doesn't have any personal affect on you, have at it, but keep it to yourself because your comments and judgements are not welcome with me or my husband". It feels good to stand up for myself finally. Like I said I understand anger towards him, but my husband is still a good man who made a bad choice, and that choice doesn't mean he's fair game to tear down whenever they please. Whew I had a lot to say. Thanks for giving me a place to speak! -A
DeleteA,
DeleteAtta girl! Like you, I feel like I've found my voice post-betrayal. Made me realize that trying to please everybody wasn't getting me anywhere I wanted to be. In the wake of betrayal, I began to learn self-respect and, as a result, to demand others treat me with respect. What a difference. My relationships are far healthier and I spend much MUCH less time feeling resentful because others can't read my mind.
Hallelujah for that. And kudos to you for calling people out on their unhelpful snark.
I just wanted to say to anonymous: I am 11 months post d day and what a difference time makes. The expression time heals all wounds is so true. I know you probably can't imagine now, but things will get better. We were all exactly where you are now at some point in our journey. Reading what you wrote reminds me of how I felt early on (and still do sometimes). Writing in this blog helped a lot; reading this blog and so many books helped too. It feels like the end of your world right now but it isn't; it's just a new beginning. Cry if you have to (I sobbed for months) but be there for your children. I myself had a few seconds where I thought about killing myself by driving into oncoming traffic on my way to work but then thought about missing my kids and that was the end of that. As I read in one of my books, I didn't want to kill myself-- I wanted to kill the pain. I can also tell you that for many months I took my anger out on my poor innocent children, and yet they were often the ones who lifted my spirits and gave me tiny moments of joy in the middle of what seemed like endless sorrow. Cherish them and let them distract you from what your husband did. Read every blog on this site (I did and still do); it will help you.
ReplyDeleteSam
Sam,
DeleteI also wanted to die. Would fantasize of suddenly veering my bike into traffic, or driving my car off a bridge. My own mother had attempted suicide, however, and I knew I never wanted my children to experience that sense of rejection. So...on I plodded.
Glad you made the same choice. And so glad you're here, Sam.
That feeling of wanting to die is intense. I had never been a person who really considered suicide before. It was like a part of my brain was turned on couldn't be shut off. The desire was strong. If I didn't have my amazing kids to keep me strong, I think some pills would have found their way into my system. I literally had nothing else to remind me why it was worth being alive.
DeleteI just plodded on like Elle says, believing that their was a brighter future waiting.
-MBS
Same here... I wanted to die for quite a while. I'd say the only things that stopped me were (a) family that need me and (b) having experienced the suicide of a family member and knowing the devastating effect on those left behind. Even though my husband got rid of the OW immediately and has done pretty much everything "right" since the discovery... still it was a long time before the urge to end it all began to fade.
DeleteI think it's so important for us to acknowledge this. If we lose one woman who doesn't believe there's a way out of this pain, it's one too many. We need to remind each of us that the day will come when the pain subsides.
DeleteThats the thing about going through all this shi-bang in my life, I've learned the answers to my life aren't the answers to anyone elses. And even the answers that I think I understand, I usually see later that i don't understand them at all. And then best thing i can do is give enough space and love for those around me so they can find their own path. When i first learned that I'd been cheated on I was humiliated. The utter humiliation of it all. ANd then the continued scalding humiliation and judgement i felt for even considering staying. It was terrible. The shame was intense. How could i hold my head up? But there's been something so freeing of letting it go and owning my choices and owning the fact that i know nothing, im just trying to make sense of the world as it presents itself to me. Thanks for all you give Elle. xo
ReplyDeleteEMS,
DeleteSounds like you've made it to a pretty great place in life -- where you can allow others their own choices and feel comfortable with your own. Freeing, indeed.
I went through those sad intense feelings over and over until I reached the point where I realized that there is no person on earth worth dying for. And what kind of legacy is that to leave for your children? I wanted them to reach down inside themselves and fight back when life or someone blindsided them, so that's what I had to model. I eventually picked myself up and got going forward. The other thing my therapist would say over and over was that feelings change. Hold on to that idea. It really is comforting. Love really begins in the brain, not the heart or that is the idea to love someone is a choice. Is that person you're with irreplaceable? Probably not. Codependency is a hard cycle to break but certainly one worth the effort.
ReplyDelete"No person on earth worth dying for"...
DeleteAbsolutely. Thank-you for that.
I think a lot of it goes back to the idea which is propagated by tv, movies, books, magazines that u find ur one soulmate, someone who completes u, & u can't live without each other. Destiny brings u together & ur meant for each other. Bla bla bla.
ReplyDeleteIn reality I think 2 people meet who are a good fit & are in the right place at the right time.
A few weeks ago my multiple affair husband said he would be lost without me. I said no neither one of us would be lost without the other; it would just be hard. He then said I was cold. I said not cold, just honest & a realist. I told him if he really believed what he just said then he wouldn't have risked losing me/our relationship for his affairs.
Sam
Such a great post - and the last one too. I've actually been thinking sooooo much about judgement lately. I ended up telling one of the women who works for me about my husband's affair and though she's been incredibly supportive, her first reaction to it was "What can you do to be more appealing to him than she is?" I'll admit that this was my first reaction as well. I thought and had thought previously that the only reason my husband or any husband would cheat is because a) the wife is overweight, isn't taking care of herself, isn't pretty/gorgeous/beautiful, and doesn't keep up on keeping herself clean and fabulous looking all the time or b) the wife is not very intelligent/the husband isn't attracted to her because she doesn't have a lot of depth mentally or emotionally. Now I know that while my marriage has any issues, ultimately why my husband cheated has nothing to do with me. It's hard to admit that too because I almost want it to have everything to do with me so that I can fix it!!! But I can't! In all honesty, I don't know why he cheated. I just know that I will be forever changed and my thinking and judgement of others who are in the same boat will be forever changed. From a woman who never in a million years saw this coming, my heart goes out to all of you!
ReplyDeleteSunny