This...on Momastery:
In the midst of the pain, find some time to Be Still every day. Turn off the voices of friends and family and media and church and blogs and books and listen there for the voice of wisdom that arises in stillness. Because right now – making decisions is not about doing the right thing or the wrong thing. It’s about doing the PRECISE thing. The PRECISE thing is always incredibly personal and unique and often makes no sense to the people in your life. That doesn’t matter right now. You answer to no one except yourself in the quiet.Don’t get too excited, because this voice will never offer you a five year plan: just the Next Right Thing. It will never tell you what’s at the end of the path – just where to step next. Luckily – this is always good enough. The Next Right Thing – One Thing At A Time – Will Bring You All the Way Home.
I read this too and thought, yep, this is exactly how you get through anything difficult, scary and out of control in our lives. One moment at at time, listening to and trusting our guts and being brave.
ReplyDeleteI fully agree, but know from experience how difficult it can be to be still and to focus on the moment. Nevertheless, it is such a worthwhile practice and I don't think that I could have arrived at where I am now without some form of meditation.
ReplyDeleteI did something like this a few months ago when in the midst of recovery, my husband explored the possibility of moving out and divorce. I was panicky and initially tried to find a way of controlling what was truly out of my control. My IC told me to "stop gripping the steering wheel so tightly" and instead to just let things happen. Giving up control on something that I really couldn't control anyway was the hardest thing that I had ever done- instead of trying to argue and convince and "prove" that my husband was making the biggest mistake of his life, I focussed on giving myself the self-love that I needed, and prayer/meditation was a large part of that quiet time.
ReplyDeleteThis of course was only what worked for me, and I wouldn't dare suggest that letting go of the steering wheel is some universal panacea for every Betrayed Wife out there. But while I quietly convinced myself that I was wonderful and lovable, my husband took off his blinders and saw it for himself. Many loyal friends have told me that they would not have been able to do what I did, but that's not really the point- I did what was right for ME at that moment.
After nearly a year of struggle through some very dark and dangerous places, I am happy to report that he has emerged from his hell and is finally making a full commitment to being a partner in our marriage. We are both happier for it.
Sending good wishes to all,
Jen
Jen,
DeleteI can imagine how difficult that was. But what a lesson to learn...and to share here. When we stop "gripping the steering wheel so tight" (great metaphor!), we can focus far more on keeping ourself safe and healthy. We can shift focus to our own needs (which is where it should be all the time). I'm glad the struggle seems over for both of you.
I mentioned on another thread this article (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all) which is about a woman who does exactly what you did. No matter what HE does, it's a great way to find yourself in the midst of all the pain.
Thank you Jen,
DeleteI am almost there. I think I am finally ready let go. I am scared and I hate this but I have to let go. I am almost one year since dday. He is on his hell with his OW and I need them let be there if that is what he chooses over his family. ~U~
~U~, I am sorry for your loss- letting go is never that easy is it? That said, the time after you let go may be one that is more peaceful and easy than you can imagine right now. Just remember that you are a lovable person and that you really cannot control other's actions. Live your life for YOU!
DeleteElle, thanks for that link! I think that I had either read that article once, or a friend mentioned it to me. Either way, it was a tactic very similar to mine, and it seemed to work for her marriage! There are so very many sad women who tell their stories on these pages; it is nice to read some happy-ending-after-struggles stories.
Regards,
Jen
I think there are many more happy-after-struggling stories but the women who have moved on have, well, moved on. They're either not here sharing their stories because they're out there living their lives, free of the burden of some ambivalent guy still wringing his hands and moaning about how he "can't decide", or they're not here because they've rebuilt their marriage and are living their lives with some guy grateful to have been given a second chance. We all have struggles. The wise ones among us don't make it a lifestyle choice.
DeleteI am sorry for those who's husband chose the ow. But the person who posted about letting go of the steering wheel is so right. I know my husband struggled with whether to stay with me or the ow. I know she pressured him to leave me because he told me she did. I on the other hand didn't pressure him I offered a trial separation to him. At the time I suspected the affair but wasn't 100% sure. In the end he did choose to stay and work on the marriage. We never ended up doing the trial separation and are going to counselling. We are only 2 months out from d day so there still is no guarantee that we will be together a year from now. But right now we are both trying to make it work. We have been focusing on things that needed to improve a long time ago. I do believe he chose to stay because he was allowed to make that decision on his own. During that time I was focused on what I needed to do for myself and knew I would be able to survive without him. I even discussed trial separation with him in a positive manner. I did feel deep down there was a huge possibility it would end in divorce but figure I would deal with that obstacle when it came. Writting this does make me feel more positive that our relationship may actually survive. Right now I'm focusing on improving my self esteem and depression with counseling. I do feel like I am taking it one day at a time. I am trying hard to trust him to not just give up. I do forgive him though for the affair. He doesn't seem like he forgave himself yet though. He brings it up more than I do. He even talked to his mom about it which he did even before he talked to me. She was very disappointed in hin for doing such a thing which I think helped him realize what a big mistake he was making as well. I guess what I'm trying to get at is to focus on yourself and know you will be okay either way it turns out because in the long run you want to be with someone who wants to be with you.
ReplyDeleteFabulous advice. No matter what happens, it sounds as if you've got your own back, which is all you need.
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