Nice quote. Definitely applies to us. I know I would've thought twice at the alter if I knew about all the hard times ahead. On the other hand the same issues could've been there with someone else. I hang on to the idea that it will get better and someone you love is worth trying to make it work. As long as they share that love and are willing to make the necessary changes. Besides if it dosent in the end atleast you can walk away knowing you tried and don't have to hold on to the what ifs. I don't want to leave the marriage thinking about what I could've done differently. I still am early in the process my d day was just July so that feeling of not being sure about anything is strong. I am trying to forgive myself for the things I've done wrong and pushing him away prior to his affair. I keep feeling the affair was a product of our other issues. I am in counseling and focusing on the things I can improve on. I pray it will get better and that i will learn to love myself.
God uses you as a beautiful tool to speak to me. I needed to read this this morning. One of the last things I told my husband before bed last night is that I feel like such a fool for not picking up on all the clues of the affair. Truly hindsight is 20/20. Thank you for reminding me that I didn't know what I didn't know. Your posts are always so timely for me. May your day be filled with blessings.
I still feel like a fool. I feel like everybody in my town knew that he was sleeping with our son's best friend's mother before I actually found out. I still feel like an idiot.
Nope, sweetheart. That makes him the fool. Not you. There's no shame in not knowing that someone you trusted with your heart didn't deserve it. The shame is all his.
There are definitely days where I feel like the biggest fool on Earth, and there are days that I think he is the biggest fool! Why would he risk it all? And believe me I've asked him....
I saw all the signs, I confronted him with the proof and he always managed to convinced me that I was completely wrong, I was reading into things. It was all right in front of me! Who really wants to believe the person you're in love with would do something like that to you?
He said something to me just a few days ago..."a good person can make a mistake" my response..."you didn't make a mistake, you made a choice, a choice to be with another woman because we were having problems"
It's easy to feel like a fool and I think those of us who choose to give our husbands a second chance feel it a lot more than those who choose to leave.
To all of us who have been betrayed, stay strong, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
I think it's true that our culture doesn't recognize the strength and courage and compassion it takes to rebuild a marriage. But kudos to you for calling your husband in his verbal gymnastics. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. And calling it such allows you to take some of your own power back.
I firmly believe that until you are in the situation, you really have no clue how you will react! I think rebuilding is far more difficult than just walking away, and some may look at you and think you are a fool. As a child, my mom actually had an affair, and my dad chose to stay with her. I was very unforgiving...and I always said I would never stay with a man if he did that to me. My husband knew all of this...I think that is the reason I feel like such a fool some days. I can only hope to get stronger as time goes on and feel less like the fool!
We all said that we would never put up with an affair. I had a conversation with my husband when I first got pregnant and we both agreed (!!!) that we would never make a choice that would jeopardize our family/daughter's happiness. And he was already cheating then. Does that make me a fool? Or him? He stood to lose everything that mattered to him. Which is pretty damn foolish in my books.
I feel like the bigger fool to several posters, but who wants to win this contest?
I knew that I had a good marriage this summer, after 9 months of torture. My husband and I talked night after night about how GOOD it all felt to be together. About the reasons why he stayed. Why that woman was no good for him. How much he loved our family and being the man that his kids could look up to.
Well, all of that came crashing down 2 weeks ago when he came home from work looking like a zombie. He said that they had spoken, and that he was considering being "friends" with her again. I told him that it was impossible for me to accept a friendship like that with a person like her- it was an insult to me and all the suffering I had gone through as a result of the affair. He moved out. And then 2 nights ago, after asking him point-blank, he confessed that he really hadn't been planning on returning, and that he wants to pursue this relationship with her.
I had forgiven, been hurt again, and forgiven again. What a fool I have been!! This betrayal hurts more than I could have thought possible, considering how many scars I have already. I find no peace in knowing that someday I won't hurt from this any longer. I have seen my best friend disappear in a way as final as a death, except this death has so many other ramifications.
I wanted none of this and yet I got a large slice. And the fallout is still occurring. We have yet to tell the kids anything, and I haven't been able to get in to see a family lawyer yet. And he is in his little escape world with a woman who is simply not a nice person. I just can't understand...
Jen, You can't understand because it's crazy. And I'm so sorry for this. It's incredibly painful for you, for your children. And it may not give you peace right now while the pain is so raw but I hope you will find solace in knowing that the day will come when it doesn't hurt so much. When you've created a full life without him. In the meantime, however, lawyer up. Get a counsellor if you don't already have one. And please know that your pain is not as strong as you are.
Thanks for your quick reply, Elle. I am indeed raw at present. But I do have the proper professionals in place, and I have lots of support from friends, colleagues and family; he has burned many bridges in doing what he is doing, but I have built many more.
And I will remember what you said about my pain. That knowledge will have to do for now.
Oh Jen. Wish I could give you a hug and look straight in your eyes and assure you that you will be okay. Sometimes life just sucks HUGELY. But not forever.
Nice quote. Definitely applies to us. I know I would've thought twice at the alter if I knew about all the hard times ahead. On the other hand the same issues could've been there with someone else. I hang on to the idea that it will get better and someone you love is worth trying to make it work. As long as they share that love and are willing to make the necessary changes. Besides if it dosent in the end atleast you can walk away knowing you tried and don't have to hold on to the what ifs. I don't want to leave the marriage thinking about what I could've done differently. I still am early in the process my d day was just July so that feeling of not being sure about anything is strong. I am trying to forgive myself for the things I've done wrong and pushing him away prior to his affair. I keep feeling the affair was a product of our other issues. I am in counseling and focusing on the things I can improve on. I pray it will get better and that i will learn to love myself.
ReplyDeleteGod uses you as a beautiful tool to speak to me. I needed to read this this morning. One of the last things I told my husband before bed last night is that I feel like such a fool for not picking up on all the clues of the affair. Truly hindsight is 20/20. Thank you for reminding me that I didn't know what I didn't know. Your posts are always so timely for me. May your day be filled with blessings.
ReplyDeleteI still feel like a fool. I feel like everybody in my town knew that he was sleeping with our son's best friend's mother before I actually found out. I still feel like an idiot.
ReplyDeleteNope, sweetheart. That makes him the fool. Not you. There's no shame in not knowing that someone you trusted with your heart didn't deserve it. The shame is all his.
DeleteThere are definitely days where I feel like the biggest fool on Earth, and there are days that I think he is the biggest fool! Why would he risk it all? And believe me I've asked him....
ReplyDeleteI saw all the signs, I confronted him with the proof and he always managed to convinced me that I was completely wrong, I was reading into things. It was all right in front of me! Who really wants to believe the person you're in love with would do something like that to you?
He said something to me just a few days ago..."a good person can make a mistake" my response..."you didn't make a mistake, you made a choice, a choice to be with another woman because we were having problems"
It's easy to feel like a fool and I think those of us who choose to give our husbands a second chance feel it a lot more than those who choose to leave.
To all of us who have been betrayed, stay strong, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
I think it's true that our culture doesn't recognize the strength and courage and compassion it takes to rebuild a marriage.
DeleteBut kudos to you for calling your husband in his verbal gymnastics. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. And calling it such allows you to take some of your own power back.
I firmly believe that until you are in the situation, you really have no clue how you will react!
DeleteI think rebuilding is far more difficult than just walking away, and some may look at you and think you are a fool.
As a child, my mom actually had an affair, and my dad chose to stay with her. I was very unforgiving...and I always said I would never stay with a man if he did that to me. My husband knew all of this...I think that is the reason I feel like such a fool some days.
I can only hope to get stronger as time goes on and feel less like the fool!
We all said that we would never put up with an affair. I had a conversation with my husband when I first got pregnant and we both agreed (!!!) that we would never make a choice that would jeopardize our family/daughter's happiness. And he was already cheating then. Does that make me a fool? Or him? He stood to lose everything that mattered to him. Which is pretty damn foolish in my books.
DeleteI've also seen this phrased as "forgive yourself for not putting together the puzzle pieces you were never actually holding".
ReplyDeleteI feel like the bigger fool to several posters, but who wants to win this contest?
ReplyDeleteI knew that I had a good marriage this summer, after 9 months of torture. My husband and I talked night after night about how GOOD it all felt to be together. About the reasons why he stayed. Why that woman was no good for him. How much he loved our family and being the man that his kids could look up to.
Well, all of that came crashing down 2 weeks ago when he came home from work looking like a zombie. He said that they had spoken, and that he was considering being "friends" with her again. I told him that it was impossible for me to accept a friendship like that with a person like her- it was an insult to me and all the suffering I had gone through as a result of the affair. He moved out. And then 2 nights ago, after asking him point-blank, he confessed that he really hadn't been planning on returning, and that he wants to pursue this relationship with her.
I had forgiven, been hurt again, and forgiven again. What a fool I have been!! This betrayal hurts more than I could have thought possible, considering how many scars I have already. I find no peace in knowing that someday I won't hurt from this any longer. I have seen my best friend disappear in a way as final as a death, except this death has so many other ramifications.
I wanted none of this and yet I got a large slice. And the fallout is still occurring. We have yet to tell the kids anything, and I haven't been able to get in to see a family lawyer yet. And he is in his little escape world with a woman who is simply not a nice person. I just can't understand...
Jen from Ohio
Jen,
DeleteYou can't understand because it's crazy.
And I'm so sorry for this. It's incredibly painful for you, for your children. And it may not give you peace right now while the pain is so raw but I hope you will find solace in knowing that the day will come when it doesn't hurt so much. When you've created a full life without him.
In the meantime, however, lawyer up. Get a counsellor if you don't already have one. And please know that your pain is not as strong as you are.
Thanks for your quick reply, Elle. I am indeed raw at present. But I do have the proper professionals in place, and I have lots of support from friends, colleagues and family; he has burned many bridges in doing what he is doing, but I have built many more.
ReplyDeleteAnd I will remember what you said about my pain. That knowledge will have to do for now.
Bless you, Jen from Ohio
Oh Jen. Wish I could give you a hug and look straight in your eyes and assure you that you will be okay. Sometimes life just sucks HUGELY. But not forever.
Delete