To those of you who I know struggle with sadness or depression, and are certainly trying to find the wisdom in your broken heart (which is pretty much all of us), I offer you Susan with The Dharma of Depression.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Finding Stillness to Cope with Sadness or Depression
Susan Piver, author of The Wisdom of a Broken Heart and guide to the gifts of meditation, has this to say about how meditating can help you navigate sadness and depression (which are not the same thing. As Gloria Steinem famously said, "In depression, nothing matters; in sadness, everything matters.")
To those of you who I know struggle with sadness or depression, and are certainly trying to find the wisdom in your broken heart (which is pretty much all of us), I offer you Susan with The Dharma of Depression.
To those of you who I know struggle with sadness or depression, and are certainly trying to find the wisdom in your broken heart (which is pretty much all of us), I offer you Susan with The Dharma of Depression.
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Love this Elle, this is something I did in counselling and benefitted greatly from. It's simple breathing but so effective. When do we as women give ourselves 5 minutes in the day to just breathe and relax unless we are asked to do so or make ourselves.
ReplyDeleteElle you think of everything, every little detail you cover in the wake if betrayal. Your a great person and on line friend to me an absolute angel. I don't think you realise just how much of a support system you are to many women out there. You too take some time to breathe and relax knowing you've made someone's day today. Lots of love : )
Love you right back, Sam. Your support of others on this site is wonderful and a big part of what makes it a safe place for other BW's to come.
DeleteI agree with what Sam has said and want to take a moment to thank you Elle for this great board. I think it is almost more beneficial than my counseling because all who share here have experienced the same devastation. Without seeing one another or speaking face to face, there is a strong bond amongst us and we are truly supported here.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to this book recommendation. Especially timely as sadness is what I dealt with all day yesterday....tears just flowed freely. Such a welcome relief from feeling anger!
J
Can someone go through each day and think they are better and then all hail breaks lose, and you're in this terrible storm in your mind? That's what's has happened to me today. I've had every emotion possible . I've felt near sick all day long. Yeasterday I had a Dr's. Appointment with a Dr. I see about two times a year. Of course, some of my Dr's. are all in the same group so everything is on the computer. When I went in the little nurse took all my information. We talked as usual and we always have a good visit. She always ask the needed questions but some how and I'm sure it was just me, I felt like she was reading my chart from my Gyn. wheather she was or not I do not know nor did I ask but when the Dr. came in I'm almost sure he had. If he hadn't I told him everything H. had been doing. I told him that I in know way did I blamed him but from here on out when these old men comes in there he has got to take the time to tell them that there is help for em and the sky wouldn't fall down on em if things at 68 isn't as good as things were at 38 or 48. Then I knew he was looking at my chart. He started asking me questions about H. he wanted to know what he had been thinking anyway. I told him I had no clue. He ask if we had been having sex? I said yes that's what was so confusing. I couldn't understand it at all. He ask me if he had a brain tumor or something? I told him I had no idea that all he told me was that he just wanted to play around a little before he got to old where he couldn't. The Dr. said well after all he is married. I did find last night but today has been terrible. On the way over to Le. with H. I just about lost it I was thinking about Dday. On the road home when he told me about everything that he had been doing, I thought about the girls that had sat in my seat. Every time I go to get a tissue out of my box I think what he'd done with them. I can't get the Dr. out of my mind reminding me that he was a married man. Today has been a terrible day. I just want it to end. Does this kind of stuff happen often? I had been doing better and thought I was moving forward but now I'm wondering?
ReplyDeleteIt will be four months next Tuesday. Is this going to be a constant reminder? H. and I have been together all day long and I dropped plenty little remarks do you think he picked up on anything no way. He's said not one word.
lossing,
DeleteA couple of things come to mind. For one, you're going to have "triggers" -- painful reminders of what he did. It might be a song on the radio, a part of town, an occasion, a time of year... The triggers will diminish with time (and therapy) but some might alway be there. Or they might resurface when we're feeling vulnerable. Four months out is still quite raw. Sometimes it takes a whole calendar year to go through all the pain-iversaries.
As for your comment re. dropping little remarks: one of the things we need to learn through this is to be direct with our partners. The passive-aggressive stuff poisons a relationship. If you're feeling hurt, you need to tell him. If you're having a tough day because of triggers, you need to share that. If you want to be alone, tell him. If you need a hug, tell him. AND HE NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO RESPOND TO YOU WITH LOVE AND COMPASSION. That's how we heal.
lossing~I feel your pain and it's been just like that for me too. It's been 10 mos. since my DDay. It's like waves of various emotions come thru all day long and I have not yet developed the skills to control my strong emotions, I have just let them overtake me and turn me into a big mess. Part of what my counselor is doing now is beginning to work with me on skills to deal with these strong waves so that I remain in tact and ride them out.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about riding in the car seat after your H transported other women in there.....I was wild when I learned that my H drove an escort to the airport in "my seat" for their getaway weekend! I immediately said "sell that car" but since calmed down. It was still such a violation to put one of those whores in my personal space!
I want to give you some hope tho....this does get better....time, talking, counseling, reading a lot, etc. all help so much in the healing process.
This is a wonderful place to be heard, understood and cared for.
J.
J,
DeleteIt might not feel like it right now but you're ability to feel that pain is actually a gift. My most recent post, about "Coming Back to Life", focuses on the opposite problem that many of us face – an inability to feel. We become so numb that feeling anything is tough.
While your feelings might seem overwhelming (though, take note, you're surviving them...and learning skills to manage them), you have feelings. And that's pretty much what makes life worth living.
14 months out. Sometimes sad, definitely not numb now. Occasionally angry though & unfortunately I take it out on my kids. Thank u for this link. I did 10 min of meditation/peaceful breathing along with this woman & thought it helped me. I told my kids who are 9 & 7 that when mommy starts getting mad to tell me "peaceful breathing" just to remind me that I'm getting too angry & that I should stop, concentrate on breathing, & calm down. So far it has worked (even they have said so).
ReplyDeleteThank u again for this link.
Sam
As I read your posts,my heart goes out to you all. Wonderful women connected by horrible circumstances. I am just 4 weeks out. I was lucky, I found out about my husband's infidelity after it was over, well after he had already realized that he had made a huge mistake and was, unbeknownst to me, already trying to make it up to me. I only found out about his three week excursion into hell (his words) because the OW was vindictive & felt the need to announce it to me. He has spent every day trying to make it up to me. He spends every free moment with me & has taken steps to advance long term plans we had always had for our future so that we can begin our future now vs. later. He is trying to build trust again and though I greatly appreciate the effort, I'm not there yet. But, I do truly believe that this was a one-time thing and that our future is bright. Every day has been filled with a closeness that reminds me of our early marriage, I feel like we are getting to know each other all over again. So, why can't I stop thinking about it? Why do I keep asking questions? I know it had nothing to do with the other woman. He met her online for the simple purpose of wanting to know if he was still attractive. This was a mid-life crisis/fear of being irrelevant, etc. His choice for this self-worth test was random, he had no emotional ties to her; they discussed this before they went down that path. I believe they were lost; I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for her husband; I do not believe he knows. She lied when she said she was separated. She has toddlers - I feel that she is putting them at risk by meeting strangers for sex. But, that is her story to tell. As much as I would like to hurt her like she hurt me with that anonymous phone call to her husband, I can't do it. I simply can't cause that kind of pain in another person's life. I do find it ironic that the married woman who had sex with my husband emailed me to complain that he lied to her. Does anyone else see the humor in that? Anyway, here are my thoughts currently: for whatever reason, age, mortality, etc, my husband of 26 years went outside our marriage; when he realized the horror of the situation he ended it; before I found out about the affair he was back and was the amazing man I have spent more than half of my life loving ; when I found out, he held me, he answered questions, reassured me, apologized; I love him and I forgive him. So, why can't I stop with the questions? Does every little detail really matter? Two nights ago I asked more questions; he finally broke down and sobbed; cried for quite a while. In 26 years I have never seen my husband cry. I saw his shame, regret, & disappointment in himself. It broke my heart. It dawned on me at that time that although he had made a huge mistake & hurt me deeply, did it justify this daily attack on him? If I have forgiven him, why doesn't he get the chance to put it behind him and forgive himself? I am tired of attacking my husband & making him feel like crap for something that he can't undo. At some point, if we are to forgive, the questions need to stop. It was what it was, & none of the details can undo it. I promised myself that night to stop asking questions & inviting that woman into our marriage. Now, I try to control my thinking, I focus on positive things rather than wondering… Before D-day, I had become interested in the ideas behind Buddhism. I had ordered some books that deal with creating inner peace and dealing with emotions. I think my guardian angel was looking out for me to have sent me down that road before my life turned upside down. I am learning to breathe, love freely, accept, and move on. I hope that others who are trying to rebuild their marriages can find a way to forgive their cheating spouse AND let him forgive himself. Wish me luck. I'll probably swing tomorrow and come up with more stupid questions.Let’s hope I have the resolve to keep them to myself. We have both suffered enough.
ReplyDeleteFrom the heart and mind of the cheater mentioned above... I did make the biggest mistake in my life, seeking the pleasures of another woman. I justified it, in my own mind, by convincing myself I needed to know if I was still attractive to other women. Plus, I felt as though I was taken for granted. The fire was gone, in our marriage. I needed to feel needed. Any woman would have done, and I found one just as needy. There was no attraction. There was no commitment. There would be no future with her. I did feel horrible about lying...to my wife, to myself, and to the other woman, who had also lied to me. I had followed a slow spiral into hell and had hit rock bottom. Dividing my attention between two women was taking its toll on me, to the point where I had to either climb back up or end my own self-induced torture with a bottle of whiskey and a hand full of sleeping pills. I chose the first option, knowing I would live with the guilt and planned to take that dark secret to my grave. I had found a way to end that other relationship and was again able to focus my attention on my beautiful wife. In this whole process, I came to realize that no one in this world could ever love me more than she does. No woman can ever make me feel like she does. And, I would never make that mistake again. Unbeknownst to me, I had climbed out of my hell only a few weeks before an imaginary line, drawn in the sand by my wife, in which she had planned to ask me for a divorce. She confessed that she had, mentally, prepared herself for a way to live without me. She also confessed that she had had thoughts about falling into the arms of another man. But, that man would have been my replacement and not just a sexual encounter. My amazing wife has a huge heart and found a way to forgive me. I am trying to rebuild her trust in me. I realize what a treasure she is and how much she means to me. I cannot undo what I have done, but I know we can heal and move on. Yes, she had many questions and I answered them all, honestly. Each one was like another stab at my soul. Each one cut and hurt, but I owed her that. I had caused her so much pain, I deserved to feel it also. I tried to be strong, for the both of us. Be a pillar of strength, and keep us on track to recovery and a solid future together. I did finally have my breakdown, after a few more questions, and a few glasses of wine. I apologized, profusely, and sobbed like a child. I was so embarrassed, but this amazing woman still comforted me and took me into her loving arms. A major moment of clarity. I am a better man, from all of this. I owe my wife a debt of gratitude I know I will never be able to repay. She has given me a second chance. She has given me a new life, and she will be in it. We will grow together. We will get past this. There is no time frame, or time limit. It will simply take as long as it takes. She will have all the time she needs and I will be by her side the entire time. We are a team. We are strong. We will beat this and be stronger than ever. I love my wife, forever and always. Here's to a brighter future......
DeleteElle, my husband told me that he had responded to my post but I told him that I would probably never see it since this blog was for us, the women, to share our thoughts. He didn't save a copy of what he had posted, so I did not expect to ever know exactly what he had said. I thank you for allowing his post on the blog. Those words, though spoken to me these past weeks in other ways, really mean a lot to me.
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteWell I truly don't know where to begin. Nor do I know if it would even work, but thanks to you Mr.Can I might finally get to try. From reading your post alone I have came up with seventeen questions that I haven't thought of before. I put them on my list. Maybe one here and there I thought of but I've not been able to write them down before. The post above is full of good thoughts too. So I can't help but wonder since I have forgiven him if I should just get over it and go on and live my life. Would he even bother to try and tell me if I asked. Today he was back on the basement and now he's doing the laundry. I know for a fact that the gift of service is his primary love language. It's also mine but he's doing a much better job of it than I am. He must be going to go shopping tomorrow because he's making out a grocery list. I think he keeps going till he gets so tired that he's ready to drop. It worries me but he has never been good at setting. I know he needs to stay busy. I have been married to this man in 3 weeks 39 years and I have yet to be able to do anything with him to help him out or anything else. He's totally O C D. I hate to say this but I refuse to let him use that to control me. He's done it in the past and when I caught on I put a cobosh on it. I've had 3 or 4 different Dr's tell me that I was O C D and they wanted to put me on medication. I knew I wasn't but it wasn't until I set down and completely anlazed my self and saw what was going on that I knew it was him. Somethings are just as important to me as it was to him that was good but no, not every little i doted and t crossed. For years we couldn't have nothing on the table if I know now what I knew then I would have treasured those days. Now everything we eat has to set on the table. Everything we use has to be on tables. I told our daughter one day well I'm very thankful that your dad isn't a horder. She said mom he is one the only difference is he's and oorganizd one. I've noticed in the past whether it be work or play idleness is definitely the Devi's work shop for him.
ReplyDeleteShould I write all my questions down and let him answer them if he wants to or take one or two a day see how he handles them? I want to be careful. I sure don't want to upset him.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I am so tired of my username. I wasn't at myself when I found this blog. I have no idea how I got here. Can anyone tell me how to find away to change it. I think I have grown into one that's more suited to me now. L O L. I hope I'm not just having a good dream.
Lossing...... As you now know, my husband is the author of the above "can man" post. I have discussed with him that this blog is for the women and he feels he shouldn't respond directly so as to respect the intent of the blog. We discussed your question and we both feel that every husband is different in the way they deal with this situation and the healing process. I don't know how your husband would respond to a written list of questions, he might be completely overwhelmed or he might not. Over the last four weeks, I have asked questions whenever they popped into my mind and I have received answers but knowing my husband, I knew to proceed slowly and not completely bombard him. I think you deserve answers to your questions but I honestly don't know which way is best for your situation. This is new territory for me and me husband, we are feeling our way through it hoping that we are doing it right. my advice is to sit down with your husband and tell him that you feel you could heal faster if he could help you through it. explain to him that he has the power to help you to recover from this by answering your questions. Show him the article "understanding your loyal spouse" we found that article early on and it explains this entire process and gives the cheating spouse tools to assist you in your recovery. That article had been the most valuable source of information for us. sending you strength and hope for some assistance from your husband to help you through this. Hugs! I don't know about changing you're user name, maybe one of the other members can guide you through that.
ReplyDeleteLossing, here is the link to the article....... http://affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse/
ReplyDeleteI want to think you too.
ReplyDeleteI spent all day on this site yeasterday. I took more notes. Pretty soon I'm going to fill like I'm back in high school.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like we are getting ready to go into indian summer. This will be the last of warm and pretty days till warm weather. H''s. hard at work in the basement and I'm setting here trying to still figure out how he had sex on the tailgate of his pickup truck in broad daylight. Not how I think I'm for sure smart enough to figure that out but why and the real question is not just why but what I really want answered is WHERE??? I really want to know WHERE did this happen at?
ReplyDeleteLossing, with men and sex, ~ where there's a will, there's a way. Interesting question and you are entitled to an answer, but when you find out it will likely lead to more questions. I have never asked my husband to describe how they had sex in a parked vehicle in broad daylight..... Guess that's just way too much information for me. I'm really only focusing on questions that deal with his emotions and state of mind at the time. The nasty details would destroy me, I think. And I am finally at the point where I am sick to death of talking about it, crying over it, and hurting from it. I have decided that I will not ask anymore questions...... Yep, I know, I said that higher up in this thread but now I really mean it. Hopefully......
ReplyDeleteYep I know what you mean. I ask him once and he said it didn't matter. Yes I know what you mean. Mine was also in broad daylight too. These crazy a$$ men. I really fill that if I knew it would make it worse on me and he's probably trying hard to forget it. I just can't help but fill it was very close by. Maybe that was one of his two times he paid and couldn't do anything. That would suite him right. I guess in the great outdoors would be better than bed bugs. Lol That is one thing no one wants and some of the places that he was at could have had bed bugs. We did end up having to take medication for Chlamydia. That's a pearcite.
ReplyDelete