This is so true! i kept thinking I'm getting better, I should be better by now, it is so hard to realize at first finding out you really are grieving. The hurt and pain are so overwhelming and you feel like you are going crazy. I begged my therapist to admit me to an inpatient unit in a psych hospital. But all the time you really are grieving. Something died, unexpectedly - you, your life, home, stuff all of it lost in a fire. When I read on his site before when someone said you're grieving I thought they meant your grieving for what I had before. But NOW I see I was grieving for something that died, it's gone and I was left with nothing. It has taken me a year to understand I was grieving a loss, my loss of pretty much everything. But with help from this site it took me a over a year to realize I was grieving like a widow who lost my husband and my home was burnt. . I no longer have expectations or timelines. It will take as long as until I say it does. Not how long my husband thinks it should. What does he know about handling emotions and he is the one who killed what we had and made me widow-like. It is really hard and very often I wanted to give up. Don't set up any expectations on time- somehow it just happens. The main ingredient just my opinion according to Lynn Pain is how much he really wants to rebuild what he destroyed. I can say my husband fought everyday for me to try to give me a heart transplant of what was lost and it was more than a piece of my heart. I was on life support I had my entire heart ripped out. It really is grief not a longing for what you lost but grieving over what died. Give yourself time it is ok, you don't have to be superwoman anymore.
Someone over at the Healing Heart support forum told me this when I was about 18 months post DDay and was SURE I should be "better" by then. You can't get over it. You can't get around it. You gotta go through it. She was so right. You just gotta go through it. It's a process and very few of us process the pain in the same way.
Is anyone wiling to share a list of books and authors they found helpful? After much discussion with my husband, I know it was the only time he has ever done this. So in an effort to hold on to what's left of my sanity, I would prefer not to read about multiple affairs, sex addiction, etc. I'm just not strong enough for all of that right now. ... Any suggestions?
RT, I loved How Can I Forgive You by Janis Abrams Spring. I also found a lot of comfort and guidance (though it's not affair specific) in Anne Lamott's books, which are just about getting through life's various challenges -- Travelling Mercies, Grace (Eventually) and Plan B. Also loved Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. I'll be curious what others suggest.
That's an excellent idea! Thank you Elle. We chose not to do counseling, so we're trying to help each other through this. We're doing pretty good but I believe the books will be helpful as I still crash pretty hard at times.
Private Lies by Frank Pittman was the single best book I ever read on infidelity and I read a lot! Pittman was clear about the fact that you did nothing that made your husband have an affair. The book became a bible for me in the sleepless nights and there were many.
I have read a few but "after the affair" is still my one book..I wish it was law that couples had to read it BEFORE getting married. That's how great it is. I truly believe if husbands had ANY idea of how much this would destroy is they would think more than twice. I really do. It validates every feeling you have (including but not limited to, crazy)
Sounds great especially if we could say how the book helped us. In addition, I took steams advice on meditation which helped me. I took your advice on anti depressants and like you I thought no way but it helped the rough edges until I could handle it better. Can you open another section on this page?
This is so true! i kept thinking I'm getting better, I should be better by now, it is so hard to realize at first finding out you really are grieving. The hurt and pain are so overwhelming and you feel like you are going crazy. I begged my therapist to admit me to an inpatient unit in a psych hospital. But all the time you really are grieving. Something died, unexpectedly - you, your life, home, stuff all of it lost in a fire. When I read on his site before when someone said you're grieving I thought they meant your grieving for what I had before. But NOW I see I was grieving for something that died, it's gone and I was left with nothing. It has taken me a year to understand I was grieving a loss, my loss of pretty much everything. But with help from this site it took me a over a year to realize I was grieving like a widow who lost my husband and my home was burnt. . I no longer have expectations or timelines. It will take as long as until I say it does. Not how long my husband thinks it should. What does he know about handling emotions and he is the one who killed what we had and made me widow-like. It is really hard and very often I wanted to give up. Don't set up any expectations on time- somehow it just happens. The main ingredient just my opinion according to Lynn Pain is how much he really wants to rebuild what he destroyed. I can say my husband fought everyday for me to try to give me a heart transplant of what was lost and it was more than a piece of my heart. I was on life support I had my entire heart ripped out. It really is grief not a longing for what you lost but grieving over what died. Give yourself time it is ok, you don't have to be superwoman anymore.
ReplyDeleteSomeone over at the Healing Heart support forum told me this when I was about 18 months post DDay and was SURE I should be "better" by then.
ReplyDeleteYou can't get over it. You can't get around it. You gotta go through it.
She was so right. You just gotta go through it. It's a process and very few of us process the pain in the same way.
Is anyone wiling to share a list of books and authors they found helpful? After much discussion with my husband, I know it was the only time he has ever done this. So in an effort to hold on to what's left of my sanity, I would prefer not to read about multiple affairs, sex addiction, etc. I'm just not strong enough for all of that right now. ... Any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteRT,
DeleteI loved How Can I Forgive You by Janis Abrams Spring. I also found a lot of comfort and guidance (though it's not affair specific) in Anne Lamott's books, which are just about getting through life's various challenges -- Travelling Mercies, Grace (Eventually) and Plan B. Also loved Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. I'll be curious what others suggest.
Hey maybe I'll create a page where we can post the books that have helped us through. Title, author and description of contents.
DeleteThoughts?
That's an excellent idea! Thank you Elle. We chose not to do counseling, so we're trying to help each other through this. We're doing pretty good but I believe the books will be helpful as I still crash pretty hard at times.
DeletePrivate Lies by Frank Pittman was the single best book I ever read on infidelity and I read a lot! Pittman was clear about the fact that you did nothing that made your husband have an affair. The book became a bible for me in the sleepless nights and there were many.
DeleteI have read a few but "after the affair" is still my one book..I wish it was law that couples had to read it BEFORE getting married. That's how great it is. I truly believe if husbands had ANY idea of how much this would destroy is they would think more than twice. I really do. It validates every feeling you have (including but not limited to, crazy)
ReplyDeleteSounds great especially if we could say how the book helped us. In addition, I took steams advice on meditation which helped me. I took your advice on anti depressants and like you I thought no way but it helped the rough edges until I could handle it better. Can you open another section on this page?
ReplyDelete