Thursday, May 28, 2015

Shedding the Weight of Betrayal

"The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you're not going to stay where you are."
~J.P. Morgan

I listened recently to a woman speak about how she'd lost 150 pounds off her 300-pound frame. It wasn't the first time she'd lost weight. She spoke about drastic diets that led to drastic weight lost which led, drastically, to more gain. She spoke about exercise plans that started off strong but waned after a few months. She spoke of her daily weigh-ins, which felt alternately hopeful and humiliating. And she spoke, mostly, of the crushing shame of wanting something that seemed easy for everyone else...but impossible for her.
So what worked? Being gentle with herself. Instead of grand plans, she implemented a one-small-step strategy. Each day she did...something...that fed her goal. It might be a walk. It might be a healthy meal. It might be saying 'no' to dessert. But each day, she nourished her goal in a meaningful way.
And her body responded to these thoughtful choices by becoming more healthy. By shedding the shame, along with the weight.
We carry so much weight after betrayal, even as many of our bodies shrink from lack of eating and too much stress. We often carry deep shame. That this happened to us. That it says something horrible about us. That our marriages are now somehow marked as deficient. Less than.
Some of us are emotionally paralyzed. We can't imagine leaving but staying seems equally impossible. Others vacillate wildly between resolutely packing our  bags and dissolving into tears in the front hall, with our hand on the doorknob.
We lose faith in our perception of the world, which seems huge and frightening and filled with people whose intentions we can no longer trust. Our future looks foggy. Our past, foggier still.
But the constant in the midst of all these whirling emotions is often one thing: shame.
Shame makes us crazy. It makes us desperate. It separates us from the world. It paralyzes us.
The woman desperate to lose weight (her doctor made it clear there was no other option) discovered something amazing. Shame cannot survive alongside self-care. By refusing to participate in her own humiliation and emotional battering, she learned to care for herself. She found her value, apart from her physical shell. And that's what allowed her to inch forward. She had decided, as J.P. Morgan notes above, that she was not going to stay where she was.
None of us wants to stay in the swirling hell of betrayal. But even when we don't know which direction to head, we do know how to care for ourselves. We do know how to be gentle with ourselves.
It begins with our story. It begins with letting ourselves off the hook for a choice made without our knowledge or input. It begins with doing something kind and meaningful for ourselves each day. It begins when we assume agency for our lives. As Carl Jung said, "I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become." 
Maybe your step is refusing to back down when he tells us to "let it go". Maybe it's going for a walk and counting the daffodils instead of pulling the covers over our head. Maybe it's calling up a compassionate friend and beginning the conversation with "I need to tell you something and I just want you to listen and be my friend..." Maybe it's making an appointment with a therapist who understands PTSD and betrayal. Maybe it's a three-day-weekend by yourself to clear your head. Maybe it's putting his bags at the front door and changing the locks. But whatever it is, make sure it honours you.
To get to a place of self-love and self-respect, a place where shame no longer lives, you need to decide that you no longer want to be where you are. That it's time for change.

36 comments:

  1. Thank you! I needed to hear this today. I am struggling with being bogged down in the negativity of what has happened, but want so badly to heal. I am new to the site, having just found it yesterday. It's reassuring to know there is s group of people out therr experiencing what I am.

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    1. Welcome...but so sorry you need to be here. There's much support and kindness and wisdom here. You'll find many many women who know exactly what you're going through.

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    2. Thank you! It helps to know that. I'm sure I will become a "regular". I just read your "Letter to the Other Woman". Oh, how I would love to text that link to her or send her the lengthy letter I just finished writing. But I swore to myself after I received her "apology" I would just walk away as nothing she says excuses what happened or minimizes my pain.

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    3. Elle,
      Great quote from Carl Jung! Awfully hard to deal with shame tho when you're raised in a shame based family. Shssss, don't tell the neighbors your dad is crazy, or an alcoholic, or does drugs, or cheats on me. We're perfect here even if we feel like crap inside. Image matters, we all know that. But of course it doesn't really. Being authentic is far better for the soul, your heart. As Carl Jung also says, shame is an emotion that eats away at us so we keep it hidden. Let it out into the light, tell some trusted friend, and the weight of it starts to go away. Heal in the sunlight, you didn't do anything wrong my therapist said over and over. Why are you protecting your husband? Because the shame of the affair touch the childhood shame that I wasn't good enough. Thanks to your posts and from others here we can all hang onto the thought we certainly are good enough. No apologies needed for the affair that we did not do.

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    4. Anonymous,
      Pull up a chair, along with all the other "regulars". We're a pretty awesome group.
      And yeah...don't give the OW any more space in your head. She'll shrink over time. Most of them will either get it and vow to never be complicit in someone's pain again, or they won't. But it's rarely anything that we say that changes their minds.
      And Pilot's Wife: That's what tripped me up too -- that old childhood shame from growing up in an alcoholic home. Who knew my husband's affair would provide the opportunity to finally heal that old wound?

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  2. I have tears in my eyes. This has been such a rough week for me. I will keep reading and keep writing.

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    1. Merilee Lane,
      I think it has been a tough week for you but I also think you've broken through something. You sound full of resolve and very very clear about where you stand in all of this. I was wondering if I could publish some of what you wrote about therapists as a separate blog post. You've made some really good points. Would you mind? I think more people would be able to read it that way.
      Lemme know.
      And hang in there. At the risk of sounding all woo-woo, I don't think it's comfortable for the butterfly before she emerges from the cocoon.

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  3. Thank you, Elle. You are welcome to publish whatever you lke. I hope something I've said might make a difference in someone's life. I don't want my life lessons to end with me.

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  4. Shame is a long process to deal with. We think the asshole got caught, but I was also caught, caught off guard. Then there is the shame of being judged by yourself and others. Shame is what I felt when friends think deciding to stay it's wrong — or just stupid — and looked down on me. Shame made me withdraw, run away, fly into a rage, or try to change the story. I didn't want to believe it, don't want to own up to the problem and try to correct it, because I couldn't believe it happened in the first place. Shame was idea that I thought I was perfect version of a wife in a so-so marriage. Shames was as a nurse, the idea of my asshole husband sleeping in the psycho-bitch kindergarten teacher's bed after her boyfriends have been there too all of them in same dirty sheets spilling their jizum just at a different time made me feel dirty. Shame was I wasn't enough. Shame the OW was better than me in all ways. Shame that the man I married was "that kind of man". The list is endless. But I only had my version of the story. It takes a very long time to see the entire picture and it is painful beyond words but somehow the shame turns to understanding. I can't say how but it just does if your husband will be brutally honest with you. The shame turns into hey, I didn't do this he did. The shame turns into this is his choice not mine. He is the wacko not me. Did I contribute to a bad marriage? Yes, I did by being screwed up myself. My kids to talk to each other they are close. I heard both my daughter-in-laws admire my strength WOW that shame becomes less each time a shame hurdle is overcome into into understanding. Feeling strong today, love m family.

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    1. Wow Lynn. That's so great. I'm so glad you've been able to transform that feeling of shame into a feeling of strength and power. I love what you said about "I only had my version of the story". At the beginning we think that is the whole story. With time we realize it's only one version.

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  5. Hi, just throwing this out there, our MG has suggested, for many various reasons, we might want to think about a "Healing Separation"
    Has anyone on here done this? I am hoping for some insight as to how it worked for you on a day to day basis, ie. what rules worked / didn't work, and how it turned out in the long run and was you glad you did it ??
    any advice would be great, I am so torn as to what to do x

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    1. Alias,
      I haven't heard of a formal "healing separation" though many women on this site have gone through something more informal (usually when the guy can't get his head out of his ass and needs "time"). But I can see how, with very clear rules, it could give each partner the chance to figure out what their next right step is.
      Anyone else?

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    2. My husband and I were separated, actually he left, for a while. His intention WAS to leave me for the OW. But he ended up 6 doors down from me and couldn't stay away from me. I think him leaving was useless and destructive. He was seeing both of us during that time and living with a family member with utterly no responsibilities. Once we started MC and real reconciliation, I decided there was no use at attempting reconciliation under these living arrangements.

      That said from my own personal point of view maybe it would be good for some folks. But how would you ever be sure he wouldn't do what my husband did and try both waters out? Again if you were separated he might truly realize what he's missing? Maybe not. One of my favorite sayings is "absence makes the heart grow fonder". But what most people leave out from the true saying is the last line, "for another". I don't know, might be dangerous territory. Just my opinion though.

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  6. I am going to try to see if this post goes through. I lost my sign into my Google account and I've been having difficulty posting ever since then. My husband and I just went through a six week separation and I want to give some insight on that topic. I'm going to post as anonymous, and this is Melissa

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  7. Elle,

    Once again I will thank you. I have dipped in and out of this site for two years. Two long years. Your words of comfort and knowing and kindness have been helpful. I have stepped, pushed and dragged myself through many a day, week, and month. I was getting some place better. Some place solid in myself. I was trying so very hard in so many different ways to move us forward too. You often warned me about co-dependency, I am not sure whether I really understood.

    Regardless, we have gotten to a place where we have decided to separate. I say we, but ultimately he made the decision by his inactivity. I made the decision by simply saying that "the current situation was untenable." It wasn't what I want or wanted. I wanted more. I wanted what I always thought we had. He was unable to be there in my pain. He wants me to take some responsibility. He can now say what he has wanted to - We tried. It has not been right for a while. It was never going to be the same. What is normal? What is okay? Is okay good enough? Where is the line that makes it good enough? People do not recover from these things. - I was holding out for better. I was holding out for surviving it together and seeing each other all the better for it. I was holding out for different but still great at the end of the long day.

    I am so angry he didn't make the decision two years ago and then I wouldn't feel like I am starting again. I thought I felt all the sadness I could. I thought I started to see my way through it. I fell backwards. I have stopped feeling actually. The numb is profound. I move through. I distract. I plan and keep going. But the weight on my body and pain in my chest is so heavy.

    Thank you all for being here and sharing.

    Inchworm

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    1. Inchworm,
      I'm so sorry for all the pain you still feel. I ask you though to consider that you needed to go through this to get to a point where you're ready to let go. That you needed to know you gave it your best shot. No regrets on your side.
      There's no easy way through infidelity, whether you choose to stay or leave. There's only what's right for us. Perhaps what's right for you was to take these two years and build up your strength, gain insight, recognize what you need in life. There's nothing wrong with wanting a better marriage than "okay". It sounds like he can't give you that. Painful to know that? Absolutely. But more painful, I think, to have always wondered. More painful, I think, to have sacrificed yourself for "okay".
      Feel your anger (which is usually hurt/fear wearing armour). Feel your sadness. And then trust that you will get through this and emerge in a better place. Ready for so much more than "okay".
      I hope you'll check in and let us know how you're doing. You're in our thoughts.

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  8. Alias I went on a self imposed sabbatical of healing that saved my life. It was a last ditch effort to break the cycle of pain I was in. It had overwhelmed me to the point of true physical and emotional exhaustion. I had determined what was done was done. Vacating was no big deal because he had already done everything I had ever "feared" right there in my face. Right under my nose. So leaving was no big deal. It gave me the space I needed to accept what has truly occurred. (I did not have any desire for or to gain monetary value in a divorce) I wanted peace and to heal. I did not seek retribution even though I know people say a betrayed person should. Again, this was entirely for my physical and emotional well being. I uprooted myself from everything I knew relocated 2 and a half days away (if you drove) to a place I had never seen (not for everybody) I did this because it's what I needed. I professionally enhanced my career during this time. I purposely did that to myself to make me focus on anything other than my broken heart and all I lost. Three months later my husband showed up. I was too sick to know this before but I had been taken completely for granted at the beginning moments after d-day. My vacating and I mean literally walking away with s car full of clothes, minor incidentals and a child. Then not returning three weeks in when the dishes were all dirty, clothes not washed, dinner permanently not being provided, and a number of other fairy like items of day to day living were not met things changed. For everybody in our family. My older children learned to help and not take things for granted. My youngest with me at the time learned to appreciate the importance of being able to move forward with hope for peace and joy, but above all love unconditionally. She is my only girl and she needed to see a woman's strength can grow from adversity. My husband learned to love me for who I was. Not just the girl he loved that he met in his tween years that he had to put up with in his adult years, but the woman she grew into that supported and loved him. I was too sick to see what leaving was doing. I just knew I wanted to heal and thousands of dollars worth of therapy hadn't changed my situation or his I felt inside. So a ton of prayer, hope, love, and my trust in God's plan for my family helped me make the decision for space to heal. 18 months later and what seems like a world away from when I walked away my life is so much better than I could have imagined. ( it's not for the weary, because people talk and unfortunately know nothing of the true situation, but try to influence) the older children and I have had many conversations about how I left not to abandon but to heal so that I would be here for them for their future. We are all together again. It was a lot of work, but nobody is taken for granted anymore. We learned we are all equally important and loved. - Ann from Texas

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    1. Wow, Ann from Texas, you're my new hero. Such a great story of your own healing.

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  9. I only discovered this blog yesterday and I don't know that I've ever seen a more beautiful collection of people in my life. The support is endless, gentle, kind, and in the spirit of genuine friendship and solidarity. Only two people on earth know our story except for us, my best friend and our therapist. I think it's time for me to reach out farther and I can't imagine trusting it with a better group of people. So my story goes...

    We had been married 15 years, H was 39 and I was two days shy of turning 36. Something was amiss, I didn't know what, but I certainly didn't suspect THIS. I have (controlled) bipolar disorder with major anxiety and that man had been my rock since I was a teenager. Always there, never failing, my best true-blue friend. There isn't a soul that doesn't like him, he's a very good guy. That's what made this so much harder. I can't tell you how many times he's had to drop everything to rescue me, and he even did that during the affair. But something wasn't right. He worked out of town during the week and was home on weekends and when he was home all he did was hole himself up in the bedroom and watch TV. He basically lived in the bedroom when he was home. Of course I would ask if he was alright and he kept reiterating that he was just tired. That made perfect sense since he does very hard manual labor. He had lost all traces of his usualy fun-loving personality and it was so strange. Sex was the same, usually each night he was home. He was loving and caring as always during sex. Suddenly he started having performance issues, which has never happened. He couldn't finish or it would take a very long time, even with the usual sure-fire methods. One time he muttered, "I feel like I'm using you." in the middle of it and that's when I knew something major was happening. Still, I didn't think it was that, because the trust I had for him was so incredibly rock solid (and I was probably in denial). It left me confused and the next day I told him that he HAD to come home from work for something important, but I wouldn't tell him what it was. Later on, he said he knew the hammer was about to drop. So he came home, I calmly asked him what was going on and he said that he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. I actually laughed at him and said that everything he did spoke to the contrary. I pressed him and finally did ask if there was someone else and he said that he went to a bar with a manager of the place he was working at and that they kissed. He said it scared him and he left abruptly, but it left him wondering how he could have done it and if it meant he didn't love me anymore. I was crushed, he half-assed tried to make me feel better, but quit wanting me to even touch him. Our financial security depended on him going back to the job and I threatened him within an inch of his life to not let things go farther. I was a wreck that whole week, calling and texting him like crazy. This was about late November in 2009.

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  10. Early in November we had a huge party for our 15th anniversary and it was such a wonderful time. We went all out because we were married at my parents' house in 1994. I wanted to have the reception I never had and had a blast planning it. He wasn't involved much in the planning but that wouldn't be out of character for him, he's very much a "whatever makes you happy" guy by nature, always has been. He seemed excited about it. I gave a speech about him that brought the house down and he just stood there dumbfounded and wiping tears away. For him to not take the mic and even wing something is very unlike him and I did notice it but didn't read much into it. I imagine our guests did the same thing! He's a showman through and through, always the first to grab the mic at karaoke, etc. It absolutely didn't ruin my night, though, and later in the night said that he was so overcome with emotion that he didn't even know what to say. That does sound like him, he wears his heart on his sleeve.

    His odd behavior continued until Feb 9, 2010, two days before my 36th birthday. I had enough. I closed the door to our bedroom and said he was going to tell me what was up and he was going to do it now. I finally blurted out, "Is there someone else?" just out of trying to say something more shocking than what it really was so he'd let the surely smaller thing out. He started shaking like a leaf and his knees literally gave out. He put his head down and responded with a very weak, "Yes." I had no words and after a pause of what seemed like a year he continued with, "and we love each other." He jumped up and started packing a bag feverishly, to which I told him that I was owed a LOT of explanation and that he wasn't going to run away and double his cowardess. You all know the drill of those first few hazy days of trying to take care of kids while staying up all night whisper-yelling, digging for details and trying to make sense of it all. He said that he needed time to figure out what he wanted and to give him a month to live with her (5 hours away) and decide. I said there was no way I was going to wait 30 days for my own husband to decide if he wants to abandon us for the OW. It was piss or get off the pot, and he had to tell me at that very moment. I was surprisingly kind and understanding at the beginning, but it was just a veil of protection for me and my desire to not have my family torn apart. He sighed, grabbed me so tight that I could hardly breathe, trembled with emotion, wept like I've never seen a man weep, and said, "Of course I choose to stay with you. What I have with her is false, it isn't love. How could I even think of risking my whole life over this?" He said that he was just trying to get a shred of control over the situation and that him leaving rather than being kicked out made him feel that he had a little bit of control. He has held steadfast in that since he said it the very first time. He broke it off with her over the phone and I wish I had been there for it. He said he wanted to do it alone and I allowed it, but I think it would have been therapeutic for me to hear it. He was SO ashamed of himself, would say things under his breath like, "I'm not a man." I would wake up in the middle of the night to him petting my hair, whispering how much he loved me, how stupid he was, how he couldn't believe he did this to me and the kids, how he failed, how he didn't deserve me, how sorry he was to my parents (even though they still don't know it happened), etc. Every now and then he would hiss back at me when it all got too much for him, but he'd immediately retreat and apologize.

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  11. She was actually very good about the whole thing and said that he needed to repair his family. She said we would never hear from her again and she has been true to her word. She knew he was married, although he had told her we were having problems and had separated. She had to of known that wasn't the case considering a huge anniversary party, lots of communication with me, and he actually was a total jerk and said that she wasn't as good in bed as I was. I can't fathom him saying that, another sign that he was in a really bad place. He also couldn't finish with her or keep it up, which insulted her greatly. Yet she stayed. He broke it off with her several times but he said in some warped way it was like a challenge to him to prove his manhood by being able to finish with her. He later said that his body was rejecting him being with her and he was right. He knew it was wrong on such a deep level that his body couldn't react properly to having sex with another woman. He said that he never once finished with her. But I hated her, my god did I hate her. That has ended, she's a nobody to me now.

    He has done everything in his power to do the best he can to make amends the last 5+ years. He's the one who found a therapist and made the appointment. He encouraged me to journal and would read every word in an attempt to decode my feelings, never making mention of the things I said in anger. He would stay up all night and listen to me rant and rave then go to work without a minute of sleep. I don't think I could have asked for more in this situation. Even our therapist took me aside after a one-on-one session with him and said that she has seen this situation thousands of times and hasn't seen a man so genuinely remorseful over an affair. She said if she had to pick one man that could be trusted to never do it again that it would be him by a longshot.

    But I'm stuck. So very very stuck. I haven't slept with him in over a year and we've only had sex maybe 10 times since I found out. I'm bitter and cold and cynical. I'm not a romantic person so wooing doesn't has never affected me, so he kind of doesn't know where to turn to make me feel better. I have completely shut down and just go through the motions. My bipolar disorder has pretty much morphed into full-on depression the last three years where I don't want to get out of bed, shower, eat, clean my house other than the absolute necessities. I used to love to cook and hardly do it anymore. I used to have lots of hobbies, but all the supplies are in storage, not even at my house anymore. Life in general has been sucky on top of all this, lots of financial burdens, life changes, etc.

    Overall I feel like my trust in him is in pretty good shape. He still travels for work and I don't worry about it. Trusting him is all I have ever known and that came back pretty quickly. I'm just so resentful that I'm the one who has to do so much healing after something HE did. I'm so stressed out all the time that the most menial tasks are like climbing mountains. I'm just a shell of nothing and we don't know how to get it back. We had to discontinue therapy due to finances and our increasingly tight work/school schedules. Although I adored the therapist H chose for us, I didn't feel I was getting much out of it.

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  12. H keeps saying how he wants the old me back, but that just isn't possible, at least not in the forseeable future. I don't know how to rebuild myself and my marriage. With my depression I don't have the gumption to even try during these last few years where making a pot of coffee is a chore. For some reason the one place I do shine is at work. It's my respite from thinking about everything since I'm too busy there. I'm cheerful, energetic and confident. I'm a different person there. I win awards and bonuses often for my performance and management can't say enough good things about me. When new people come to work there, the store manager says that if they model themselves after me they will do well. That makes me feel SO good. I could have the same at home if I could only let go. If I could open myself up to let my husband be the man he wants to be and truly is, things would be so much better at home. I just can't seem to do it. I'm hateful and spiteful to him. When he hugs me I pull away. Every little thing about him annoys me. He cries and says that he's terrified of me not loving him anymore. Even when we watch TV and I mention a lady being pretty, he won't even go there. He looks at me with a twinkle in his eye and says they don't compare to me. He has not ceased trying to win me back, to the point where I feel smothered sometimes.

    Still at night, five plus years later and over a year of no sex, I wake up to him petting my hair, loving me beyond measure, apologizing, telling me how beautiful I am. Still I resist cracking the door to let him in. Still I torture myself with mind movies. Still he waits patiently hopeful that we can start over again.

    Thanks for listening. <3

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    1. Dear Broken Me,

      My heart is aching for you. I understand your pain. I understand how hard it is to trust again. I definitrely understand how after being cut so deep, allowing yourself to be vulnerable again is the last place on earth you want to be.

      I wish I had the answers for you, but I'm afraid I do not. All I can tell you is what Elle has said to me time and time again: be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel the pain and heal from it. Give yourself the space and time that you need in order to find yourself again.

      If at all humanly possible, go back to counseling as quickly as you can. Make it a priority. It has been my experience that counselors will work with you and allow you some kind of lenience when it comes to payment plans.

      Feeling steady on your feet as a woman and as a human being is the most difficult thing of all. Keep reminding yourself that this was not your fault. He didn't stray because of any inadequacy in you. You are perfect exactly as you are--in every way. But you need to come to this realization on your own. All the encouragement from your husband cannot make you believe it. It has to come from within. Just keep repeating the mantra: "I am perfect exactly as I am." Nothing you do in life makes you perfect--you already ARE perfect even without any of your awesome accomplishments at work. You are worthy of love--yours and the love of your husband.

      I hope this helps in some small way. Know that we are pulling for you. We are sending you love and hugs.

      Merilee

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    2. BrokenMe,
      Wow. That's quite a story. I'm so sorry for all you've gone through. And I wish I had some brilliant answer to help you but I don't.
      What I do have is what worked for me. Like you, I had made it through years of healing. I trusted my husband. But, in my case, I felt numb. I didn't feel bad...I just didn't feel good. Our sex life had fizzled. I was generally annoyed with my husband. I ended up doing something called EMDR (I keep meaning to write about it on this site...). It seems kinda like weird voodoo kinda therapy but it works. It's often used with people who are experiencing post-trauma, which can include depression and a sort of numbness. I know therapy is expensive...but given your predisposition to mental health issues, I wonder if treatment for depression should be considered.
      Or...are you just ready to throw in the towel? What helped me decide was realizing that it wasn't really my husband who was making me miserable. It was ME making me miserable. It was post-trauma stuff. It was a residual anger that this wasn't FAIR. That I should not have had to go through this. That my "ideal" had turned out to be a fantasy.
      And I realized that life without my husband didn't strike me as better. That's the litmus test, I think. When you imagine your life without him, do you feel a sense of relief (even though it would be painful)? Or do you want to grow old with him?
      You've got a lot of thinking to do. In the meantime, what about changing your actions even if you can't change your feelings right now. What if you tried being nice to him? What if you stopped putting pressure on yourself to have sex with him and just tried to be affectionate with him as the dad to your kids? You might find that the feelings begin to change. Consider it your "Project Happily Ever After", which is something a woman tried...and succeeded at. You can Google her.
      BrokenMe, I don't know what else to tell you. Your story sounds so familiar and I think sometimes healing just takes a really REALLY long time. But we have to do what we can to help it onward. Given your bi-polar diagnosis, depression could well be a greater likelihood for you -- a bio-chemical response to years of grief.
      So I start there. But maybe it comes down to figuring out what life you want...and then setting about creating it.

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  13. Okay, I just entered a full post and honestly I don't know if I lost it… I am going to wait and see if it appears before I repost or complete the post that I started. I really do want to comment on the controlled separation… My husband and I just went through one and although it was difficult some days extremely difficult… In the end, I do believe it was good for both of us and we shall see potentially for our marriage.

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    1. Hi Melissa,
      I moderate comments (you'd be stunned at the ridiculous spam I get for spell casters who promise to return your cheating husband to you...for a fee) so sometimes comments don't show up if I haven't been able to log in and moderate.

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  14. Hi Melissa would love to hear more about your experience in the controlled separation thank you all for your awesome help

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  15. Yes, Elle, I realize that and thank you for that. I was able to log back in to Google so will repost when I have a chance.

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  16. Alias Smith ... my husband and I separated for six weeks. The ladies of this site know that I went through some tough times during that separation ... my husband wanted the separation more than I, yet I agreed to it as felt I could benefit from time to think and we could benefit from getting out from under the quagmire of emotions we were drowning in. Our MC noted we were no longer candidates for marriage counseling ... strange as I know counseling can and does continue during separation. We drafted a controlled separation with the intent to continue to work on the marriage. The areas covered were: length of separation, who handled finances, our kitty, the yard, who did we tell, confidentiality of the agreement, date night for us, how often, how often are we in touch, is text/talk, dating others (all accounts is you do not if working on marriage, I added a clause - if h was reaching out to OW he would come to me in person and tell me ... well, that did happen and I told him this meant divorce ... he asked me to hold off ... as Elle puts it: "he couldn't get his head out of his ass" ...nearing the end of six weeks I told him I would like for him to move home and for us to work on the marriage ... He felt we hadn't really been separated ... granted, he was reaching out to me and coming to see me ... a lot. I told him, "No, I would not continue in limbo ... and with him in touch with the OW he is not helping, but hurting the marriage. He needed to make a decision, a committment and stick to it. My decision was made, if he didn't come home and commit, 100% to the marriage, (we won't know the outcome; I wasn't asking that he know if we are going to make it) ... I was pursuing a divorce. I didn't want a divorce, yet as I told him, this situation was unhealthy for me. Some may say ... Why would you take him back after his contact with OW ... I've done research into how the cheater feels and mistakes made by both cheater and betrayed spouse after D-Day ... I found out later, he needed closure with her and he was very afraid of coming home to all the emotions (I know, he made his bed.). He's been home for over a week now ... some bumps, going well, long way to go ... don't know if we'll "make it" ... Oh, we were 2.5 months post D-Day at separation ... now just over four months. Oh, and I googled controlled separation or separation agreement and found samples I designed it after. Hope that helps some. Let me know if you have any other questions. One final thought, despite my pain during this separation, I know that I gained strength ... as I will through this whole experience, whether we can work this out, or not.
    All my best to you.

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  17. I want to share something with you all that I hope will help in some way. Yes, I am a betrayed spouse - to a four and a half year emotional and then physical affair (my husband and I are married 18 years, 4 months post D-Day) Many of you know my story. What you don't know is that in my first marriage (4 and 1/2 years), I was the wandering spouse. The affair lasted six weeks; I was such a mess, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep - I left my husband at the end of those six weeks. I eventually moved in with the OM ... and we all know how that turned out ... the absolute worst relationship of my life. And here is what I learned from that situation - it was not my husband, it was not my marriage, it was not even the OM ... it was me. Me and my warped sense of self that needed lifting up ... the OM put me on a pedestal and showered with constant compliments - and my lack of self esteem needed that at that time. So, from that experience and now 25 years later, as a betrayed spouse I liken the cheater as suffering from a "mental illness" perhaps not one which can be diagnosed, but an illness of the mind nonetheless. And I believe this view and understanding allows me to treat it as I would if I just found out my husband has a gambling problem, or a drinking problem ... I will do my best to help him, help myself and us get through it. Hopefully we will heal, together ... at least we will have tried. If we don't heal, we will move on, going our separate ways ... and either way, we will grow. I do believe our souls meet challenges in life for the purposes of growth.
    Oh, and one last thought ... I would never, ever cheat again ... I know firsthand; cheating offers nothing but stress, grief and pain. I can honestly say I never look back on that relationship as "good" in anyway, except as a life lesson to never go down that path again.
    Thank you for allowing me to share.

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    1. Hi Melissa,
      That's such a powerful perspective to have. I have come to believe that those best able to truly move past the infidelity are those who are able to acknowledge that they, too, could have been unfaithful. And by that I mean, IN YOUR SPOUSE'S SHOES -- with the same experiences, the same childhood, the same family, the same mental capacities, etc. -- you could have made the exact same choice. By getting to that point, we understand that it really wasn't about us. And we understand that not all cheaters are "bad" people. They are, as you beautifully revealed, people in search of something they come to believe can only be found outside of themselves and their marriage.
      Thank-you for sharing that part of your Melissa. That took guts.

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    2. Sam here:

      Melissa thank you for your explanation. You have been on both sides. Coming from you and not my husband, someone who has nothing to gain by saying "its not you its me" means so much.

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  18. Wow, Melissa. So you've got insight into both perspectives. I should think that would give you an advantage when it comes to repairing your marriage. I wish I could see my marriage from a broader vantage point, but I'm stuck on my side of the fence.

    It really helps me to hear how you felt about your affair. It helps me to be able to believe my husband when he shows remorse for his actions and tells me he wishes it never happened. Even though all signs point to his genuineness, I couldn't help but wonder if he was full of shit, once again telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. Your words were almost an exact quote of his. That helps me tremendously.

    I wanted to separate immediately after D-Day. I wanted to throw him out on his ear. My husband was dragging his feet. He didn't want to go, although he said he would if I really wanted him to. In the end, I didn't push it because I wasn't sure. I knew that separating had the potential to do greater harm--especially pertaining to me. I was already halfway over that fence, getting ready to bolt. I believe given my state of mind at the time, a separation would have given me that extra little push I needed. Once gone, chances are I never would have looked back.

    During this process I have come to some very important and unexpected realizations. I realize now that jumping ship doesn't erase what happened. It doesn't heal what happened. Getting a quick divorce without allowing any healing to take place only meant that I would be forever chained to this event. Just because the marriage dissolved didn't mean it wasn't always going to be part of my history. Just because I didn't have to look at him every day didn't mean that he wasn't in my life every single day for the past 30 years. Leaving doesn’t mean it’s gone--you can never wipe the slate clean. It is a permanent part of my life, with or without him.

    Staying offered something different. I saw it as the only opportunity to mend fences between us but, more importantly, I saw it as the only way to truly lift this burden from my shoulders. It meant the only healing opportunity I would have in this mess. If he ever came out of the shadows of denial, I would finally have the chance to heal. Mind you, I did not believe I could actually make my marriage better. Those words fell on deaf ears. In fact, the thought of making a marriage better after betrayal sounded offensive to me. So I decided to focus on the things I could understand. And that’s what I did.

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  19. Well, we did not separate after all. He stayed and he is finally talking...about everything and without excuses or defenses. I never realized how healing it would be to see him cry and hear him tell me about the shame involved in living a double life. He came clean about the dirty details and the more he told me, the more remorse he felt. It wasn't until then that he truly realized the person he had become. All the lies, all the deceitful things he did to cover, all the hiding. The more he confessed, the more he realized that he (and she) had himself built up to be someone far from who he really was, and his actions were proof of the despicable man he had become. He can hardly live with himself. Of course, this is still ongoing, but I think we've finally made just a little bit of progress. We have to experience this pain together or no healing takes place for either of us. If he hides his tears and shame and keeps his thoughts to himself, then he keeps us from healing.

    I told my husband the other day that I'm tired now. I can no longer be there to comfort him. I am in such pain, I can only be here for myself. I showed him how he had put the responsibility for our relationship squarely on my shoulders from the get-go. My problem was that I accepted that responsibility. Well, no more. I told him he's been emotionally bankrupt our entire marriage and now I am emotionally bankrupt. I would no longer be worrying about our marriage or his state of affairs (pun intended). I am so mired in pain right now that I cannot see out and I can only take time for me right now. To my surprise, for the first time ever in our history together, he told me that it was okay for me to only concentrate on myself. He told me that he was going to take ownership of our marriage from this point forward. He would help me heal and would nurture us and our marriage for as long as I need. Then, when I begin to feel stronger, we can become a team again and nurture our marriage together. I cannot tell you how I needed to hear those words! Time will be the true test as to whether or not he’s got the stamina for the job. I hope so.

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    Replies
    1. Wow Merilee. You have such insight into yourself and your marriage. I'm so glad you're able to see that your focus right now absolutely must be on you and tending to your own pain. Your husband should be the one doing some form of triage right now. He caused the injury.
      And interesting what you said about hearing a marriage could be "better" post-infidelity. I, too, found that offensive. (And I do still bristle at the "my husband's affair was the best thing that happened to me" approach. Though I know that beneath that rather inflammatory statement is some solid work.)
      We're thinking of you as you work on healing your pain. This is your husband's chance to show you he's capable of being a better man.

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  20. Glad I could offer insight ... and it helped some ...

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