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| Even this won't protect you from heartbreak. |
It's tough enough dealing with your own betrayal without adding in such a deluge of news about infidelity and so many opinions about the ubiquity of cheating. And it can feel near impossible to believe that your relationship won't simply offer up more pain when every Web site, newspaper and radio show is discussing who's cheating, where they're cheating and with whom. What's more, the glee with which the topic is tackled – the giggles and the nudge-wink – seems incredibly insensitive when others' gossip is our reality. Cheating isn't a punchline. It's painful.
So it can be easy to feel defeated by all of this. To believe all the chatter. Having seen first-hand how our own husbands – guys we believed incapable of such deceit – betrayed us, we can easily begin to believe that fidelity is an impossible dream, a sort of mirage that shimmers seductively but that turns out, upon closer inspection, to be nothing more than wishful thinking.
It's a dangerous way of thinking however. Cynicism isn't the same as being realistic. Being realistic is understanding that some marriages will experience infidelity – the stats vary from 40% to 75%, depending on who's conducting the survey. And yeah, that's a lot of cheating. Cynicism, however, is believing that cheating is everywhere. That all men are scum. That all mistresses are whores. That marriage is a sham. That all betrayed wives should just get with the program.
Cynicism wears the face of resigned truth but is really a mask for fear. Cynicism masquerades as sophistication, as blasé acceptance of our more baser instincts. Behind it, however, is the fear of once again being caught off guard. If we accept that cheating is the norm, then we're less likely to be disappointed when it happens again, whether with our existing partner or a new one. It's a twisted logic but makes sense in the wake of our betrayal when so much of our pain seems tied in with our conviction that our marriage was somehow safe from infidelity. If we hadn't placed so much faith in our vows, we believe, we wouldn't have been so trusting. And if we hadn't been so trusting, we wouldn't be so devastated.
It can be hard to fight off cynicism. Shortly after my own D-Day, a friend announced her wedding. It took every ounce of self-control I had to resist sharing my derision and suggesting she just save us all the hassle of pretending they were any different from the millions of others who find themselves in our club.
In fact, it took me years to move past cynicism. I wore it like armour, protection against sentimentality, against disappointment.
I paid a high price for this mock protection, though. It left me one step removed from any genuine emotion. When you're cloaked in cynicism, you can't give yourself over to your feelings, whether joy or pain. In fact, you can't feel much of anything.
There's no un-knowing what I've learned about betrayal. I see the world through different eyes now. But I've managed to shift my gaze from one of routine suspicion of everyone and everything to something closer to peaceful acceptance. I no longer scoff at anyone's earnest desire to commit to another but instead recognize that the path will likely be harder than she expects but that doesn't make it worse. Or more to the point, that doesn't make it unworthy of undertaking in the first place. The same, of course, holds true for me, too. Life offers me no guarantees.
Too often, our culture responds with a cynical glee to something like the Ashley Madison hack, or news of another celebrity's affair. Monogamy is a myth, crows the headline. Everyone's a cheater, claim the cynics.
Cheating is far more commonplace than most of us ever knew. Statistically at least, it's not that surprising that we're here. But cheating isn't inevitable. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is the lie of the cynic. Divorce is not the only acceptable response to betrayal.
We have the choice when faced with betrayal to decide how we'll respond. Even when our partner leaves us, we get to choose how we'll move forward.
Will we develop a hard shell of cynicism with the false sense that it will somehow protect us from future pain? Or will we allow the breaks in our heart to let in the wisdom and self-compassion that can take root?
Cynicism wears the face of resigned truth but is really a mask for fear. Cynicism masquerades as sophistication, as blasé acceptance of our more baser instincts. Behind it, however, is the fear of once again being caught off guard. If we accept that cheating is the norm, then we're less likely to be disappointed when it happens again, whether with our existing partner or a new one. It's a twisted logic but makes sense in the wake of our betrayal when so much of our pain seems tied in with our conviction that our marriage was somehow safe from infidelity. If we hadn't placed so much faith in our vows, we believe, we wouldn't have been so trusting. And if we hadn't been so trusting, we wouldn't be so devastated.
It can be hard to fight off cynicism. Shortly after my own D-Day, a friend announced her wedding. It took every ounce of self-control I had to resist sharing my derision and suggesting she just save us all the hassle of pretending they were any different from the millions of others who find themselves in our club.
In fact, it took me years to move past cynicism. I wore it like armour, protection against sentimentality, against disappointment.
I paid a high price for this mock protection, though. It left me one step removed from any genuine emotion. When you're cloaked in cynicism, you can't give yourself over to your feelings, whether joy or pain. In fact, you can't feel much of anything.
There's no un-knowing what I've learned about betrayal. I see the world through different eyes now. But I've managed to shift my gaze from one of routine suspicion of everyone and everything to something closer to peaceful acceptance. I no longer scoff at anyone's earnest desire to commit to another but instead recognize that the path will likely be harder than she expects but that doesn't make it worse. Or more to the point, that doesn't make it unworthy of undertaking in the first place. The same, of course, holds true for me, too. Life offers me no guarantees.
Too often, our culture responds with a cynical glee to something like the Ashley Madison hack, or news of another celebrity's affair. Monogamy is a myth, crows the headline. Everyone's a cheater, claim the cynics.
Cheating is far more commonplace than most of us ever knew. Statistically at least, it's not that surprising that we're here. But cheating isn't inevitable. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is the lie of the cynic. Divorce is not the only acceptable response to betrayal.
We have the choice when faced with betrayal to decide how we'll respond. Even when our partner leaves us, we get to choose how we'll move forward.
Will we develop a hard shell of cynicism with the false sense that it will somehow protect us from future pain? Or will we allow the breaks in our heart to let in the wisdom and self-compassion that can take root?
Wow Elle have i missed your words of wisdom. .. Italy has done you well with this masterpiece ... my marriage was not unworthy. . My trust ... love wasnt unworthy. .. i have many great joys because of My H. His choice to betray me certianly blindedsided me and struck me to the core of a hurt i simply cant put into words to describe truly what it feels like unless youve been there yourself. .. u ladies have been and speak my language ... im doing well but not great as another month mark passes i rejoice im still standing. Hurting but standing. The obsessive part has greatly repressed since my H dumped it all well most probably and what i think is enough. Added me to accounts and well just talks to me about it .... but as the month date approches i find myself thinking about it going over details of hurt ... a trip they took .... money spent. .. yada yada. The long timeline of deceit ... the lies take my breath away at time . Its just stuff. Just time. Just plain fing stupid choice for a time my H says he was weak and i too busy in other aspects of life. True. Justifiable no ... but understandable. .. maybe .... and instead of holding my heart of armor which i want to do ... live in a bubble where no hurt can get me again. I make a deliberate effort to be thankful for what i do have. What i can control and try instead to not be swallowed by the things i cant change or control. Love marriage is an amazing thing ... i still think this ... but agree alot more work then i ever expected. Noones perfect ... and while this sucks i stick to my guns with a glass half full of hope knowing things could always be better but they could be alot worse too. My eyes have me on alert ... no guarantees for sure ... but managing day by day to continue this path of life. Xo
ReplyDeleteWounded,
DeleteThanks for your kind words about my post. And please know that your strength and optimism will serve you well. It's never a straight trajectory toward healing -- it's up and down and round and round. But you'll get there. Talking about it with your spouse is, I think, the single most healing thing you can do. Being able to just share the burden and have him support you and listen can strengthen a relationship in ways that untested relationships simply won't have.
I too made a point early on to count even small blessings.
great post, thanks elle as always.
ReplyDeletei agree - it's hard to talk about this story, Ashley Madison, and not get caught up in that dark beast of cynicism and defeat. if i learned anything from my experience w/infidelity it was a lesson in empathy, self reflection and letting go of preconceived notions and becoming less judgemental. if only the rest of society and particularly the media were as open to learning from this instead of feeding off it as a vulgar and heartbreaking side show.
Flaca,
DeleteThat was my big takeaway from this too. Made me realize that I will never ever know what goes on in another's marriage and my assumptions about the goodness or badness of another's marriage was nothing more than conjecture.
Elle so good to hear from you again missed you. Yes, the news was tough to swallow. I had a huge lump in my throat listening to people call into the radio stations, some devastated, others laughing, and me full of pain listening. I wondered how anybody could feel this was a joke when the pain is so raw and very real. It's taken 2 and a half years for me to be able to sit and enjoy my day without adding in thoughts, questions and memories..... But I can sit and enjoy my day!! I can now and we are together working on our peace together. So it can and will continue to get better!! Everybody that I have met that has gone through this and survived has a strength that knocks on their door, an armor. Some use it to fight for what is best for them, others use it as a place to hide, a protective shell. How we choose to use it is our very own choice. Some advice is use it to fight for you and for peace. Love you girls - Ann from Texas
DeleteLove you right back, Ann from Texas!
DeleteI just had to share this quote from Biderman's wife.
ReplyDelete"I would be devastated if (Noel cheated) on me," Amanda Biderman told ABC's "The View" in 2013. "But I would not blame a website. Ashley Madison is not creating cheaters. It is servicing a need that is there, that exists. And unfortunately, it exists. It's sad."
I wonder what she would say now.
I wonder too. She's right, of course. But to build a business exploiting others' pain is hardly taking the high road.
DeleteShe is right, but she lived under the illusion that it was harmless and her and her husband were just capitalizing on something that people do anyway. It is like the people who make drugs. Thinking you deserve something even if it comes via the vehicle of someone else's pain, that is just some seriously bad karma.
DeleteLive by the sword, die by the sword. Too bad for her, um, NO. AM was a very successful venture. She profited from the misery of others.
DeleteElle, GLAD you are back, I missed you and appreciated your dedication to this site although it took away time from your family.
ReplyDeleteIn the stuck portion, my heart goes out to anonymous whose husband had not an affair but another life/non legal wife since 1998. I said I would pray for her then I began to write this for her. Please reach out to her, I think it is the saddest circumstance.
Do it yourself infidelity is difficult for the worn down and done in. Our wayward husbands self sanctification is of little comfort. It is crazy to think about but our liars have an easier time because of the guilt, regret and shame. We don't. They knew all along what they were doing. They made their own decisions. There sense of themselves is more intact, they were wanted by two women. They made bad decisions but at least they were their own. We didn't get the choice. Now they can redeem themselves by making better choices, they have the possibility of change in future. What a relief for them. We may have contributed to their choices but we didn't make the go to bed to with another man choice so what do we need to change? We don't need that type of redemption experience to change.
We need help from the inside out. Not near us, not above us, not around us. In us. In the part of us we don't even know. In the heart, our husbands ignored. We don't need a philosophy, not a genie, not even an angel because it is us we need from the inside out.
Lynn,
DeleteI knew right on D-Day that no matter how horrible I felt, I still would rather be in my own shoes than my husband's. I'm not sure I could forgive myself for knowingly causing such pain. I also wonder about the "wanted by two women" aspect. There are absolutely those guys who feel entitled to multiple women...but that's not often who I read about on this site. I think the "wanted" aspect feeds a pretty tiny ego, one that, if it was healthier, wouldn't be seeking out other women. I can't, of course, speak to everyone's case. But affairs frequently feed needs that have long gone unmet -- not through any fault of the betrayed partner but because the betrayer simply hasn't recognized the issues or knows a healthy way to manage their feelings.
You're right, of course, that we need help from the inside out. Our first goal must always be to heal ourselves and find a way to feel whole and valued no matter what our partner does.
I'd say my H has had the harder recovery. I'm watching the fallout of his poor choices on HIM now. He apologizes to me if it rains. Everything is his fault...he never did anything right...he's quite a mess. While he was in his 10 year fog, I really don't think he thought much about what he was doing and definitely didn't think about the why. I think he was quite shocked and surprised by his emotional absence from our marriage once he came out of it after D-Day...and that took 3 months. Yes, he betrayed me, he betrayed our marriage, he betrayed our love...but he betrayed himself first and foremost. How does one live with that? I've survived and I know eventually I'll be ok again, but the guilt and shame I see in my H.....he has a long way to go to heal from his self-inflicted wound. That's the real tragedy of his infidelity, and I suspect it's the real tragedy of many infidelities.
DeleteC.
Welcome back Elle. I hope you had a wonderful time. And no European travel is never relaxing. We leave two weeks from today for France. We can't wait.
ReplyDeleteI've so many books and articles with regards to infidelity. I don't know why. Some times it feels I'm a glutton for punishment. However, reading and learning other's stories makes me feel less a victim. As we've all said there's so much resonance in our stories. Unique in many ways but the same standard. I don't feel as victimized as I did initially. This is largely in part to wonderful blogs like yours.
I've tried very hard to battle back cynicism and bitterness. My life is certainly more than my experience in my marriage. Although the trauma that follows after DDay certainly changes one's psyche.
The whole AM dump didn't affect me much. Yes I've seen the wink/nudge and well that's only to be expected. Yes infidelity is painful AND is also a joke and so cliched for many people. It's ridiculous even!! What else are bystanders to do with information regarding infidelity particularly if they haven't experienced? Actually I don't think it hurts at all for cheaters to be ridiculed for their selfish, amoral choices. I doubt infidelity will any time be soon met with anything less. After all before any of us experienced it for ourselves we were probably of the same opinions. One's perspective only changes once it's experienced personally. How many times have people spouted off "Well if that happened to me I'd do ___________(insert circumstance)? One truly doesn't know what they will do. It's all opinion.
That said, while we have all tried to battle our own demons post DDay I will not beat myself up for having a bit of cynicism or bitterness. I don't have to live my life daily exhibiting it but if it's there it's because I know now what could be down the road.
As for AM dump I'm in the camp that while hackers are not good, AM was asking for it. Maybe just maybe some suspecting spouse got their questions answered by finding their mates on the sight and just like us they can do what they want with the info. It's their right to know after all. And is there truly a "good" way to find out about your spouse's infidelity? Is it better if they tell you? Better if your sleuthing turns something up? Catch them red handed? A friend tells you? Or you search the sight and find your spouses email on AM? I don't think there is any acceptable way to finding out. It's all devastating. It's all traumatic.
I feel for the spouses who are new to this club through the AM dump, but no worse for them than the rest of us. I feel no concern for the folks on that sight. Who knows why they went there? Journalism, curiosity, checking up on others, or for the obvious reason? That's for them to work out with whomever they need to work it out with be it spouses, bosses, clergy, etc. I guess people will learn the hard way, if you are ashamed to explain it, don't do it. What can I say, Life's lessons are hard learned sometimes.
Anyway thank you for giving us a place to learn and express ourselves. It means a lot.
TH,
DeleteI too don't think there's a good way to find out though I suppose figuring it out on our own gives us the chance to work through it privately at least.
And no, I feel no sympathy for AM though, like you, I'm not a fan of hackers. There's plenty of information on the Web that should stay private. Even those of us with "nothing to hide" have information that deserves to stay private.
Thanks for all you contribute to this site. It's the compassion and support of the women here that make it such a safe and comforting place for all of us. Hell doesn't have to be lonely.
I love reading your words again!! And each subsequent comment...it's like you are in my head.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had an affair with my next door neighbor. We were all friends. Its devastating and in my face every day until we can move.
He is remorseful and trying to keep us together. Some days I'm just so down that I cannot imagine how I will get past his betrayal.
Does it get better? What is the best piece of advice any of you can give? It's been three and a half months since I found out.
Thank you.
Anonymous,
DeleteYour next-door neighbour? WTF is wrong with people!! Not that two blocks away would be any better.
yes, it does get better. You can read a zillion comments from women who attest to this. At first it's slow. But the day comes when you realize you're not in excruciating pain any more. And then, slowly, you emerge and re-engage with the world. You begin to realize that this was something that happened, no longer the defining event in your life, though, of course, it will always be there, having changed your world.
The best piece of advice I can give -- and I give it often -- is to nurture yourself through this. If you can emerge from this having learned to really love and value yourself NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE DOES then it will have been a valuable experience. You will come to learn just how strong you are. You will learn what compassion you are capable of -- both toward yourself and others. You will look at the world a bit differently, perhaps with more nuance, but that will add to your wisdom.
In short, Anonymous, you will be fine. I promise.
Hear, hear to Elle's words. Read them over and over again when you feel hopeless, rageful, vengeful. Especially when you imagine going over to the neighbor's house and tearing into her. I can't even imagine how horrific that must be. But there is a road to healing. I promise you too.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteElle's advice is so true and so important to hold on to. I would also add how important it is not to rush yourself through the process. Some of the best advice I got came from this site and that was that the only way out of this is through it. When I stopped fighting my urge to rush through it all, that's when a lot of the healing started.
It does get better.
Hugs!
This is my first time commenting. It's 3 and a half months since d-day. I discovered a text on my husband's phone from a woman saying how much she loves him. This was on my 9 year old autistic son's birthday. Needless to say, that was a very rough day. Turns out, my husband had been having an emotional affair with a co-worker for over 2 years. The affair was purely emotional, except for one kiss. They saw each other daily - walks, lunches, work events like drinks or dinner. They communicated constantly by text and email - all day every day. We are since in couples therapy, I am in therapy and he is in therapy (he's been in therapy already fot years). He ended the affair, has been remorseful, supportive and very loving. We have great days of amazing connection, but I still feel stuck. I've poured over hundreds of deleted emails and have been privy to thousands of email exchanges on their work server. What I am having trouble with is getting over the outpouring of love he showed her. He will tell me I'm beautiful and he loves me, but how can that compare to telling her she's the most beautiful woman in the world and that their love was like no other, he was born to love her and will love her until he dies. It's as if there are no words left for me. No words or expressions of love that he didn't offer to her first. His expressions of love for me seem to fall flat. Don't I inspire that type of poetry? It just hurts so much.
ReplyDeleteKarri,
DeleteTry not to dwell on what your husband was telling the OW as real but rather that he was living in a fantasy world or doing a play. Romance is always more fun than real life of who's turn is it to take out the garbage. She was purely escape and had he continued the soulmate stuff would most likely have gone sour. Dealing with your autistic son is more than a lot of parents do and more than anything you need to do things that give yourself a break. The nurture thing is so important to heal and taking care not to fall apart. Good luck to you. I know it hurts so bad but his world with her wasn't real.
Karri i felt a very strong urge to reach out to you. Im 4mo out ... weather he told her those things because he meant it or simply to get his needs met, exchanged ego strokes ... i want to remind you the ow is an escape. .. fantasyland more less where there is no honey do list of responsibilities, required bills to pay, kids to attend to ... real life problems!!! Feelings seem intensified by the secrets and no pressures of family life ... whatever they had ... doesnt lessen who you are in anyway. Though i know that reassurance ... trust ... love we had b4 dday is something we all long for ... ask for it. Believe in it. Accept it even because you deserve it ... i will not let this defeat me but i also have a changed eye to not be so naive and overly pleasing. Did you read Elle prior post on finding grace? We are very early in this is raw hurting bullshit ... knee deep and feeling swallowed some days and just thankful at night when i lie in bed ... i made it another day. I feel numb but have found the more my H tells me the better i am able to process ... the hurt im still working on that but the obsessing over detail is getting somewhat better ... what if you asked him about his words? But only if you can stand to hear his responses ... i learned somethings that were too much .... but i asked. I hope you find some peace. Walking this path with you trying to heal ... survive .... xo
DeleteKarri,
DeleteI know it is so painful right now. I hope what Pilot's Wife and Wounded have written really sticks with you. I can only reiterate what they've said. Affairs are fantasy and filled with lies. People involved in affairs will say and do all kinds of things just to keep the affair going and, while it's hard to grasp, they aren't thinking about the person they are betraying.
His affair doesn't mean he doesn't love you, nor does it mean he doesn't think you are beautiful. I've struggled (and still do) with these very same thoughts. I wish my husband hadn't wasted those words on someone other than me, but they were used to further his selfish desires and to placate her. In the end, they were just words that came out of his mouth.
Take the time now to take care of yourself as best you can. Focus on healing one day at a time.
Hugs!
Karri- I had trouble with his seeming outpouring of affection and maybe love for the other woman, too, for quite awhile. I'm over a year out and I'm not even sure I'm past those feelings yet, but I know he was definitely in la-la land for ten years- also an emotional affair. The time and money he spent on her...very difficult to not believe he loved me. I never saw any actual texts- so I just had my little imagination fill in those blanks for me. Not good.
DeleteI will say that my H emotionally left our marriage as things got more difficult with our ADD/ OD child. He felt he could not solve that problem- I don't know why guys think they always have to solve problems- and dropped out. We were quite a dysfunctional family at that point- stressed to the max with work, our child's behavior, declining health of parents, and my own health issues. It was a perfect storm of sorts. And he "coped" by abandoning me and leaving me to solve all those problems by myself while he went out to "rescue" his co-worker from her crisis, because he could solve that problem. And when I asked him at one point why, if he needed to help someone, why couldn't he have helped me? He said, "I don't know." And sadly, I believe him. He was so far gone, Karri, he didn't even notice me or what I was going through.
You will get past this point and will begin to feel better about yourself and about him and your marriage. It truly is an escape for our husbands- they had/have very low self-esteem. The best way I found to cope with everything early on was to remind myself that he was sick, in a sense. That he wasn't the guy I married. That he wasn't himself- and he wasn't! (He is back to normal now.) That didn't mean I wasn't hurt or angry- or that I didn't show it- but it helped me get through those early months. Keep hanging out here among all these women who have such wonderful advice, sympathy and empathy.
I've always known a handicapped child often meant a higher risk of divorce, so it makes logical sense that it would lead to a higher risk of infidelity, also, as one parent or the other checks out and drops the responsibility ball. What strikes me is that I think we're going to see more of it, both because it's becoming more socially acceptable, and because the primary caregivers are becoming more and more stretched between work and home care (working mother is redundant, after all). Add a handicap (my oldest is high functioning autistic) and it really stretches you thin. The lack of participation by a father with children of a stay at home mom is bad enough, add to that a mother who also works outside the home AND a handicap, and it's amazing people survive. And now we see an increase in autism and other attention disorders....sad.
DeleteAnd then add the declining health of a parent and you're stretched even thinner between home, work, child, and dying parent (and other parent who is trying to cope with the inevitable death of their partner). Communication between spouses becomes so important- so many of us didn't learn how to communicate until it was either too late or late in the game.
DeleteC.
Elle--this is absolutely the most resonating blog post you have written that I have read. Everything you have written here is so astonishingly true to the way I think and feel. I sent it to my husband and said -- if you want to really, really know me and where I am coming from these days just read these words - they are my heart. I never ever wanted to be in this horrible place, but now that I am I'm so thankful that I found this site because Elle your words give me hope - and isn't that what we are all seeking - hope that we can love again, trust again, laugh again, feel alive again? And these words help confirm that I'm not crazy or unreasonable in the way I have reacted or think. It is so important that we know this about ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThe very last sentence is the most powerful thing I've read since this whole journey began for me. My hope is to use IT to define my future.
We are a strong and courageous group of women.
I love you all.
An Ashley Madison "survivor"
AM Survivor,
DeleteYou will survive, though I know it's hard to believe that. Finding out about a partner's betrayal is excruciating -- more than I think any of us ever imagined. It brings us to our knees.
But there is hope. Whatever you decide to do, you will be okay. It takes time. It takes support and courage and determination and refusal to give in to bitterness. But you will be okay. Better than okay.
I refuse to ever say my husband's cheating was a good thing but I will acknowledge that it brought me to a place in my life that's really really great.
I've been thinking about Alice Munro( the 82 yr old Nobel Laureate) who said "some things seem unforgivable but in the end they are" not sure if all things are but maybe. Infidelity falls under that. Coming up on the naive of my husband's first affair almost 30 yrs ago and certainly sad but trying not to dwell in sad thoughts cause Munro also says that we need to learn to make peace with Life... Those who have gone thru betrayal do reach the point where you either decide to go on with life or just stagnate in tears and anger. So many ways to cheat today beside the Ashley Madison site, Tinder, and now CrewMe ( for pilots)! As many have said. There are no guarantees in life.
ReplyDeleteI love Alice Munro. I don't think she's experienced infidelity (I've tried to figure out because I wanted to approach her to write an essay on infidelity for a book) but she certainly understands life and love in a way that few are able to be so clear-eyed about. Making peace with our lives, no matter the circumstances, is really what we are all called to do.
DeleteEvery day is a battle. Sometimes I'm ok, others I am just filled with rage and sadness at his, and her, recklessness. How could they do this while we all hung out together? How could he have thought so little of me and the kids to do this? How can he now be so remorseful and sorry for it? What the hell was he going through and thinking to do this??
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, the whore is right next door. She was my friend. I found out when her husband found their nasty sex texts and screen shot them to all four of us. That was the moment my life changed forever.
How do I stay with him? Forgive him? Carry on? I dont know what to do. Life with or without him are both shitty options.
Thanks for this site. I'm so grateful, yet so sad that it exists at all.
I've been there. I felt so incredibly trapped. Leaving seemed like hell. Staying seemed like hell. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is give yourself the time and space to just be. Don't make any big decisions. The emotional roller coaster is too crazy -- one day you'll be sure you want a divorce, the next you can't imagine living without him. You'll get clearer with time and with increased understanding of why he cheated. It wasn't about you. It sounds crazy but I doubt he really thought about you at all. He was caught up in a fantasy in which he was exciting and interesting and sexy. Even the OW likely didn't matter, which his why so often these guys drop them without a second thought. They were a prop. A sex toy. And the ability of a cheating spouse to compartmentalize is staggering. But then their worlds collide and the day of reckoning comes and they wonder, as much as we do, just what the hell they were thinking.
DeleteI would insist that he get counselling to answer that question and to get greater insight into how he allowed himself to get so off course. Let him sort that out while you focus on your own healing. Eat, sleep, exercise, share your story, share your pain.
And slowly you'll regain your equilibrium and you'll be able to figure out whether you can rebuild a marriage with this person or whether you'll be better off without him. But for now...breathe.
Yes what Elle says is completely true.... One moment adios the next you can't breathe its trauma and shock your brain has to have time to process and heal. I'm so sorry you have to go through this too. You need to know you are in fact loved and important. There is only one of you on this world and nobody could ever replace you. Stay strong for you then pass that strength on... Whatever might be left will gradually grow into more. We are here for you - Ann from Texas
DeleteOnce again, Elle, you've just nailed it. I wish every betrayed spouse would have the opportunity to read what you write and just let it sink in. I am SO guilty of being slow to acknowledge that this WAS NOT about me. It wasn't really even about "her". She could have been anyone, she just happened to be available and willing. It's a constant battle between my brain, which really gets it, and my heart, which is slower to come around.
DeleteAnd so many of us keep this to ourselves, not talking to family or close friends. Coming here is comforting. It's safe place and the support and wisdom from this group is just awesome.
. I just finished sort of a light hearted booked called "modern romance" about finding love in the digital age. It's comedian Aziz Ansari coupled with a couple of sociologists and Ansarri is a funny writer and I wanted something light for the week. I had no idea that one of the chapters would be on Infidelity and the role the internet plays.
ReplyDeleteOne quote that struck me, not from him, but a participant in one of the many focus groups that was held while writing the book, was from a layman who said, about the internet "I'd say it makes it easier to cheat, but doesn't make it harder to be faithful"
Can I JUST get an amen.
AMEN! A thousand amens. And that's what so many people don't get. Sure it's easy to cheat. But it's really hard to repair a relationship in which there has been cheating. Easier to have stayed faithful in the first place.
DeleteThank you so much for your responses. It certainly helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle. My husband has said essentially the same thing about his affair - that it was a fantasy he built up and the things he said were simply aimed at keeping that fantasy alive. Intellectually, I am trying very hard to accept that, but emotionally it just hurts so much. I am trying to keep my heart open and focus on our newfound connection. It's a real struggle to not withdraw and pull away from him.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell myself the same... Withdrawing due to internal pain is a habit of mine. I used to tell the kids "when you don't want me there is when you need me the most" and that statement has been completely applied to me now. We can do this girls! We can overcome the pain - Ann from Texas
DeleteSimilarly, I've always know that when my kids are at their least lovable is when they need my love the most. Admittedly my husband is not my child and I expect different choices from a grown man than growing children. But my ability to recognize the pain that drove him to behave in ways that ultimately disgusted himself has gone a long way toward allowing both of us to heal from this.
DeleteThis is so random in my story! H and I chose not to seek the arp due to the fact that ow was a substance abusers therapist. She lost her license for taking advantage of a client at the same time her marriage collapsed due to affairs. My h helped her to 'stay focused and get her license back' she still couldn't get a job in her field. All this know leg she abuse trying to break up my marriage! What a waste! So Elle, I post this so you know why your blog is so important to all of us!
ReplyDeleteWelcome back! Can we please just say all mistresses ARE whores??
ReplyDeleteWith regards to AM stories, I have been reading posts on cheaters anonymous and cheaters only. To read how they think and what they deal with is creepy but interesting. There have been many posts by OW recently. The husband pulls away from the OW, he wants to go back to his wife. The common theme is the OW contacts the wife knowingly that she hopes this will end their marriage and the husband will come back to the OW. The OW are planning and doing this on purpose. Most don't care about the wife, all they want is your husband running back to them by causing reminder pain in your marriage. So anyone on this site who is being harassed by the OW texts, calls think about the why the OW is doing this? Even some of the OW who are married have the same agenda. There are very few which feel bad for the wife temporary but keep with their agenda to ruin your attempts to stay with your husband. The attempts to this is varied but always escalate. The NC rule for your husband should be enforced, expected and verified to the full extent. So next time you get communication from the OW she doesn't want to let you know more information, her real agenda is to ruin your marriage even though your husband came back to you. I know and understand why psych kindergarten teacher called him, our home and did drive bys in front of our house. There are some men this tactic works but then the wife doesn't take him the back. They are truly miserable about their choices but it is too late. I don't feel sorry for them in the least. Whores want to fuck and move on but OW want to fuck and move in.
DeleteLynn pain ... amen sister preach on pretty! Ow tried everthing its beem quiet forva few weeks but im still on alert ... me not leaving annoyed her ... him not running back giving in to her threats and demands annoyed her ... her not knowing what we are doing thinking annoys her ... us not going to get some items back from her ... annoys her ... decided to leave trash with trash ... and while im sti on alert sure shes lurking or planning ....or hopefully knows now the gig is up get on with your life ..... not just friends talks about walls and windows ... create s united front. My h did fall back in shortly after d day ... talking for a couple weeks.and one last quickie then he told me .... fog was still lifting i guess .... but u know what him going back made him see its really not all that ... the fantasy was now real life ... the sex may have been different to some extent but not amazing ... guess the secret of it all and excitement hype wore off and my words rung true ... and he regreted that choice desparately. .. some people learn by doing others by not. It yurks me he went back one last time ... but it turned her true colors on and after the more he ignored her the crazier her emails and text got. But him finally telling me all or most of all of the long term affair and him seeing im with him in this shitstorm not against him tool her power hold on him away ... sex is sex without love and what he had to lose is way more then the gain of the affair ....... i kinda got off subject but i know the ow thought my h was out to a white picket fence but u know what most of them dont realize .. the fence. The h the family the marriage is WORK its a partnership and most ow are selfish getting what they can get and wanted it given to them. I work for this shit! And have and why i feel to hang in there wirk through this and hope we can heal because much was invested in building this life ... my life
Delete.. our lives. Ow as her annoyance grew her colors bleed in her words of a lost soul who is jealous and desperate but bcuz she wont get out and do for herself ... she is on the prowl to be taken care of. My H saud it wenf on way longer then he wanted but once in it just got deeper with her threats to tell so the more he gave and did. Looking back hes beside himseld ashamed in some ways he never took the time to realize all he was getting and not much in return ego stroking. So far the change is communication ... trying to find and put each other first again ... cheating is not ok but if i look at it all ... really look there are alot of faults or reasons why we were vulnerable. .. though he admits now his weakness didnt help and there are things we both could have done different. He had it all right here ... dummy ..... yep it always been right here if not on surface dig deeper .... one day at a time ladies sorry to ramble. So true lynn pain so true. A whore would have been less bs indeed. I even asked why one ow and not many like hi and bye .. lol. Both suck regardless ....
Ps ... at a point my H even was mad after we talked. ... felt used .... yep you paid for pu$$y basically .... more less .. sorry to be vulgar .... funny initially it was to met his needs. His wants or whatever he was lacking ... when u really look at it i feel its was her game to after time to get what she could get ....knowing some history this is her pattern in life ..
DeleteGenerally ...... i could write a book .... you get it.
Karri, I just wanted to reach out to you as well. I have an autistic/aspergers son as well as three other children and our significant struggles (he can be physcially agressive and verbally abusive) with him affected both my and my husband's wellbeing over the years. Real life is very real and tough. Like you said with your husband it hurts that the romance and love they seemed to show the affair partner was not available to us. In my case my husband has always shut down instead of exploring issues in the relationship. In principal he was mad about me (in our story, always apparently the more eager one) but in reality he often cut togetherness and emotional connection dead by being unable to deal with perceived conflict or emotional demands. His relationship with the OW let him be able to be romantic and light and flirtatious away from the stark demands of real life, he could be loved and admired and thus he was opened up to reciprocate to her. But, as the others have said, it was in a fantasy world. She complained about her depressed husband from whom she had just separated but the things she hated him for, were the kinds of things my husband also did at home (switch off from me and the kids). From their texts you could see reality seeping in - she complained he didn't have enough time for her, he was always working, and his family was also a sap on the time he should have given to her. For my part the romance was extinguished, I felt invisible and if not that was berated and not considered. No romance there! I've found it so hard to come all the way back, even now that my husband is being nice. I want some grand 'knight in shining armour' gesture (ridiculous!) to make up for the massive breach of loyalty. For me the word romance conjures up that idea of true loyalty and fidelity, standing for you, protecting the family, the core unit. At our wedding the priest had this idea of the 'sword arm' of the man being free to signify that he would stand true and protecting. I don't want to be anti-feminist, we should both be 'true' to each other. So for me romance includes the kinds of declarations that your husband made to the OW (but this time in the real world, with you, not the sick, vapourous fantasy of their fake lives) but it also means true commitment, fidelity, loyalty, standing guard at the perimeter walls, tenderness,nobility and self-lessness, laying down his life for you as you do for your family. Am I too romantic, do I hope for too much. I know life is messier than that but I think that for husbands to heal and reintegrate themselves they need to re-establish their own ideals and aims for themselves, be courageous, not cowardly and truly decide to live with honour and integrity.
ReplyDeleteHope, I loved reading your post. I too am looking for that grand demonstration of love and dedication. And if my H was wearing a suit of armor that would make it all the better LOL. Lately I've been very hung up on wanting more from my husband… Saying to myself, if I had done this to him I would do everything within my power to show how very sorry I was and how much I loved him and wanted our marriage back and wanted his forgiveness. And then I repeated what I said to myself… I would do everything within my power… And then I realize, perhaps he is doing everything within his power? I believe this partly came to light for me during our last marriage counseling session. I mentioned how I had purchased the book "how to help my spouse get over my affair"… for my husband to read. I mention the fact that he was not yet reading it. However, we were continuing to read "after the affair" together. And the wise experienced therapist turns to my husband and said "before the affair, how likely were you to read a self-help book? How often did you read self-help books?" Of course, that answer is "never." My husband is a mechanic by trade, and is exceedingly logical. He is not one to discuss emotions. Would his life be better if you did? Maybe?. Yet, the more I think of it… Perhaps he is doing everything within his power. I can tell you this… the last thing on earth I would want to do is read a book on the mechanical procedure of… anything! And he is really adverse to going to any type of counseling session, yet he has been going with me every week. Having said all that, it would be just lovely if he would show up in his grand suit of armor and say to me, "Honey don't worry "i'm standing guard at the perimeter walls" ... I love that Hope :-)
ReplyDeleteMelissa
ReplyDeleteYou've made great points here about men reading the self help books. I think my husband would rather drink cold Yak urine with a cayenne pepper chaser than read a self help book. LOL he offered to buy me a Mercedes Benz if we could just stop talking about the affair!! Seriously I laughed at that and told him if I wanted a Mercedes Benz I would buy one myself thank you very much :) This has nothing to do with your husband working with his hands. My husband is college educated and runs a business and I'm pretty sure they are of the same ilk when it comes to reading. Now if that shit were on HBO he'd be all about it!!!
I said this before dday and stick by it with tight fist now .... you cant control anyones actions but your own and some people's good is their best. Keep looking for the sparkle in little things because they together amount to something big. Im struggling a bit this week going over details i know ... and i know this changes nothing i can scrutinize the bills money dates till infinity and beyond and it wont change anything ... he cheated ... that simple right? And i try to remind myself to focus on the now. Today ... the past cant be unchanged and the tomorrows are ours for the taking .... he can tell im struggling this week and it meant the world that he asked .... its weighing on you today ... everyday but today he could tell i had that deer in headlight look of overthinking ....thats me too black and white. Overly detailed ... overly planned. Neurotic even at times and somewhat anxious.but still standing. The overthinking the kniwn details beats obcessing the unknowns and coming to my own conclusions anyday! So i try to keep my grace. .. and look for the little glimmers of openess ... honesty... and YES hopeful healing ... a very slow process ... im keeping an eye out for baby steps but longing for leaps and bounds as we all do. Knight in shining armor is wonderful ... ill hold on to any gesture given that just continues to show he gives a F! Hes trying ... his best and as long as that continues ill put my best foot forward too. Guess i needed to write that to remind myself ...stop dwelling it only holds you back ... its ok to not forget ... just keep moving. This wasnt about me ... i do worry sometimes the things they did ( i know to much ) may not compare ... but it diesnt have to i guess because true efforts and doings outweigh actions that in the end were for gain or purpose that isnt desirable or productive ... in the real world that is! Stay strong ladies .... stop sign ....... ow not worth our energy ... lol my H said trying to make me laugh dont be signally her with your thoughts ... since initially when she wouldnt stop contacting i woyld say dont feed her ... people like that good or bad attention ... just want attention. We need to work on us ... doors and windows ... i really enjoyed the book not just friends more than after the affair. Just saying ...
ReplyDeleteTrying hard and wanted, thank you for your comments. I always glean such insight from my friends here. And yes, wounded, I have heard that not just friends is excellent. I actually read an excerpt, an interview actually, with Shirley glass and found it to be extraordinary. I do plan on getting that book. Why, because I Love self-help books… And I actually prefer to refer to them as spiritual growth books. Both of you, thanks for reminding me to look for the sparkles, to look for the good and to know that even the smallest of gestures, is in fact a movement in the right direction. Please allow me to mention two of my favorite books with much of the same message… These are not books on infidelity, yet they have touched my soul. One is called A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson and the other is called Seat of the Soul by Gary' Zukav. Intention of Love :-)
ReplyDeleteMelissa
ReplyDeleteWhat I 'know' you could fit in a thimble. I speak from my own experience, from my heart and what I've read. If I can offer up some comfort or experience then I've done a good thing. I try not to judge and I hope I show compassion for my sisters in this distress. It stinks but it is what it is sad to say right?
You ladies have put into words exactly what the ow was doing during the last six months after she first spilled her 'truth'. Every time she sent email or texts to my h it was to keep the pain raw and remind him how good they were together! She grew so desparate to drive me out of my home that she threatened to force a 'meet up' or else! My h became afraid of her mental state and filed the charges or else I feel sure she would still be contacting him. He was already so exhausted trying to get her out of his life and when she finally went off the deep end, he did everything necessary to keep her away from both of us! She was very well trained in manipulation as she was a substance abuse counselor and just 'knew' she could cure him! So glad that drama is over! Now one day at a time we are drawing closer to the way we were before she entered his life! Baby steps but getting her out of our world has been what we needed almost a year ago! I wish I would have found this blog then, but very grateful for it now!
ReplyDeleteMy friends, here I go again. It has been seven months since DJ or should I say DJ number one it has been about 3 1/2 months since DJ number two. Sorry I cannot spell check as I can't see too well right now my contacts are in. So I hope you all get the gist of this. when H and I were separated I made the decision I definitely wanted to work on this marriage. Now, we are working on it… Yet, the doubts creep in. if, during our separation, he felt compelled to seek her out again… What would prevent him from doing that in the future? in my heart, I truly feel he will not have another affair… With another woman… However, the draw, or addiction, if you will, is so great with this one particular woman… I am fearful. No, she's not so fabulous… In fact, I know I am eternally more fabulous! yet whatever needs she filled for him turned into an addiction. At one point during their affair he even told her, you are like cocaine to me. she grew up in his neighborhood, they dated in their early 20s… They know a lot of the same people. She lives about an hour away so there is little likelihood they would casually run into one another… Yet, it may happen in the future. and, frankly, regardless of that threat… Do I want to stay married to someone who is so weak… That he cannot fight his own addiction even when he sees what dire devastation it causes me? This was brought up in our last counseling session and the counselor didn't seem to find it alarming and noted that break off from affairs are often jagged and not straight ... The only saving grace in all this is he told me to truths that I would've not known had you not told me. Since it has only been 3 1/2 months since he has contact with her… To the best of my knowledge… I have not asked my full battery of questions that still linger in my mind. The good in all this? I feel strong. I feel like I will make the demands of what I need. And I can't honestly say that I've always done that. my friends, any thoughts or insights? I hate the fact that the doubts have entered my mind again…
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
DeleteDoubt will enter...and they will continue to enter. To expect otherwise is setting yourself up for major disappointment. You'd be crazy to NOT have doubts. The challenge for you is to feel the doubts but to trust absolutely in your own strength to weather whatever comes. I don't think any of us can experience infidelity and not come away with the understanding that, whether or not we feel doubt, we simply have no way to absolutely know that another person won't betray our trust. But what we can come away with through all is an absolute trust in ourselves. And that will make the difference in whether we move forward with confidence or not.
I'm sitting here and look perfectly sane, normal, I don't talk about his lies everything has been said, that can be said. I love him. He looks at me like it was good day and I answer back it was for the most part. I love him. I don't mention that I think about his intimacy with him unbuttoning her blouse, squeezing her tits. I love this man. Then taking off her clothes. There hot sweaty bodies rubbing together so that they are so sweaty she has to take a shower after sex with him. I love this man. I was for his eyes only. No other man has seen me naked since I was 25 years old. I love this man. No other man unbuttoned my blouse or squeezed my tits. Why couldn't he be for my eyes only? My husband was generous to give me the unique gift of knowing he had had a lustful, cocaine like, passionate, romantic, and dick licking relationship while he was married. I love this man. He doesn't know I am fighting off the painful thoughts of him and the psycho kindergarten teacher intimate knowing each other's bodies so well so often. I love this man. He left me with garbage to recycle into some type of love story involving truth and trust. The happy ending story. You know like the one I used to believe in? He doesn't realize what he has done to me. I love this man. He gave me this lovely gift for the rest of my life. How does someone lie for two years? I know the reasons that surround it but really how does someone continually lie intentionally for two years? I love this man. I will go to my grave not being able to understand how you could sticking your dick in her than me. I love this man. I will go to my grave not understanding how you could open her car door and come home not lifting a finger to help me? I love this man. I will go to my grave not understanding how fucking nice he was to her then come home and sit in chair and look at me. I love this man. How can someone do that? What type of person can do that? It is so grievous to think my husband could do all those things. I will go to my grave not understanding why he didn't tell her it was over. I love this man. Only he knows deep in his heart and soul and so far they aren't talking and he quit trying to figure it out. He figured out the external reasons. It is unsettling as he smiling at me. What is more unsettling I love this man and always have so much more than he loved me. He pushed me away on all fronts so I turned into an unhappy fat bitch. I love this man and sometimes that alone makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteOh Lynn,
DeleteI'm so sorry for your pain. But so glad you shared it here. It's so hard to believe that this pain will abate. So hard to imagine that you'll look at him someday and NOT think of what he's done. That you'll separate the now from the then and be able to smile.
He betrayed you. There's no changing that. But I wonder if part of your pain is a belief that you betrayed yourself -- that you allowed him to push you away. Lynn, you were a loyal wife who loved her husband. That's nothing to feel ashamed about. The shame is his.
Im on roll this week. I believe what you say Elle. You-have-been there-advice is invaluable to me. You can't image how many times we locked pinky fingers together, me in a deep well of desperation and you reaching down with the sunlight on your back. I am thirsty for a clean conscious, no it was not my fault. I didn't let another man pull down his unwashed sheets, throw me in the bed. I didn't allow a another man to make me feel less lonely, appreciated and cared for. I didn't allow myself to seek out passionate, forbid sex, exciting secret sex, desires to see if a different hotdog from my husbands or a different lips that would make me feel better or more alive as a woman. Nobody desired me, nobody risked it all for me. I didn't allow a new man to gently make soft love to me, open my car doors, buy me real jewelry and explore my body as I moaned over the excitement of our relationship. I didn't allow myself to explore another man's body and allow him to gaze over mine with desire that could not be stopped. No I didn't allow myself to do, all that. In my lifetime I will never know how exciting that is to be intimate with a man other than my husband. Why did I have to take the high ground and hold the hill like a good army wife? Stupid Fool The high ground is just that high ground, nothing more. Did I miss out on a wonderful experience? I don't know. It seems like I did. It feels like I missed out on something. I yearn for a head start, fresh start and amnesia. I know all the things we discuss as it is like salve on a burn but I'm looking at my life from a higher view, different perspective as a whole not just one section of time. It has hit me hard that I'm left with the infidelity left over garbage in my life on my timeline of becoming a mother, going to Disney World for the first time, holding my grand-babies and getting promoted. It is like a post on my timeline page. he put it on there, he posted it and uploaded the pictures. Yes, I did betray myself, didn't stand up for myself, didn't speak up over the right type of issues instead of who needs to take out the garbage. I think what makes my stomach turn the worst is how I degraded myself when I tried to get his attention. For instance on the farm, I watered the grass without a top and tried to flirt, get his attention. That is like when you pour a glass of milk and that first taste tells you this milk has soured. That is how I feel today. Today I wish I would have thrown caution to the wind, walked out, never looked back and bonked every single man that looked at me. What good is being good? I'm beginning to think having a clear conscious is over rated. Yet, I'm the happiest I have ever been in my marriage so WTF. I hate this to be in my life. All the metaphors, philosophical, analogies are just words today without meaning. Love you all and thanks for listening.
DeleteI just realized my last post was the Mount Everest of cynicism
DeleteLynn,
DeleteAll of this is legitimate. Every pissed off word of it. And I think it's really important to just put it all out there. But I want to make two points: first, I doubt the affair was as exciting as you think it was; and second, you're not that person. Whatever it is that allows people to cheat (compartmentization? self-absorption? entitlement?) is something you don't have...or you would have cheated. And that's a good thing. Wanting to be a selfish prick isn't the same as actually being one. I can absolutely remember wondering what it might be like to have cheated -- I imagined it to be exciting and heady, like those early days of a new relationship. And there's likely a measure of that. But I know myself well enough to know that, somewhere in there, would have been self-disgust and profound disappointment. And that, so so often, is what I hear described on this site re. the husbands who have to come to terms with what they're down. That's a high price to pay.
Lynn - your prose is magnificent. I'm awed by your prose. It's more erotic than any infidelity you could have come up with. Will you please write this out and publish it so that it doesn't get lost because there is not one whit of self-pity in it (not that there's anything wrong with self-pity in these circumstances) it is all heart-felt self knowledge and wit and loving anger.
Delete'Did I miss out on a wonderful experience?' What do you think? I do wonder if men are so different biologically that they genuinely enjoy this kind of thing more; I did know one married woman who genuinely 'got off' on sheer variety but even she was a social drunk throughout her rapacious polyamory. Men would have 'bonked' you but it would have been nothing more than an illustration of human biology. I do not mean to insult you, you may have been highly successful. I do think casual sex is over rated but that it must be hard for some middle aged people to admit to risking so much for so little.
Ha - you're not cynical.
Lynn(please no more pain)
ReplyDeleteI understand your tremendous pain, I still feel some of it daily! I know the whys of the crazy ow would not let him go, I still can't understand why it took six extra months to file the damn police report! Mostly because he and I both deleted so many of her contact texts, that h had to get 'enough' proof of the harassment. Looking back, that caused more pain for both of us, but seems now what was necessary to convince her of his 'truth' which was the affair was all about the new sex for him, 'true love' for her! Moving forward and trying so hard not to look at the past that hurts so bad! Prayers for your heart! My lab, Bernie helped me with my 'fat self'! I walked her for her health and as a side benefit I lost weight and firmed up as well! I quit thinking about anyone but myself during this couple of months. Learn to love you for who you are and your own strength will get you through the doubts!
Theresa,
DeleteTaking that time to put yourself as absolute priority is so important. Thank you for your kindness and support. Together, we are strong.
Lynn
ReplyDeleteI hear you too. And I couldn't agree more but got to say it's a fantasy and you know it! I also hear the whole "pick MEEEE" dance and I would have paid money to see someone watering the garden topless in their dance efforts!!! That made me laugh but I was in the same "pick meeeee" dance troupe. Although I don't have a garden with which I could have watered topless :)
To that end, yeah I've thought what the hell???? if there were anyone ripe to cheat it's me!!!! Hell yeah I want some of that feel good drug. I've been very traumatized, I of a "certain age", yeah how many good years do I really have left??? and last but NOT least, everyone else is doing it!!! But guess what no.way.in.hell. No thanks I don't need to add to my already wounded psyche by compromising my integrity and morals and commitment to MYSELF to be a good person and do good in the world.
So while it might be an escape to think about, just as burning the OW house down in the middle of the night dressed like a Ninja warrior, that's all it is is a fantasy. Frankly, you're too good to do that. You want to roll around in the muck with disingenuous pigs? Doubtful. Don't we already have enough disingenuous pigs in our life without adding more?? If you're anything like me the answer is sadly yes.
You keep thinking good thoughts and play with the evil ones but you aren't fooling any of us here :) No way you will be a pig.
HUgs to you
'burning the OW house down in the middle of the night dressed like a Ninja warrior,' now that is a hilarious fantasy. Myself I like to imagine the scene from 'Kill Bill' with the lost eyeball and the samurai sword. I do not fancy explaining my reasons to the Met,* however.
Delete*The Metropolitan Police Force
Lynn I could have written this...I think I did in my journals somewhere!! I am so sick of being the "good" one. So tired of playing nice & looking the other way when I see her outside the coffee shop next to our business. So angry I didn't smack her down in the street when I found out almost a year ago or beat up his car with a bat. So angry that in the month before dday (last sep), I threw myself @ him like a stepford wife prostitute after he told me he "didn't feel love & was just with me out of duty." Why didn't I get to feel a "spark" or " connection" again?? I've really struggled lately thinking this makes me weak or stupid or my values are worthles . But sometimes I can really feel things as I know them to be true. I've had sexual abuse in my past, so I haven't wanted sex in the dark with lies or secrets, or guilt, or shame or at the expense of another. I want more. I could never accept less. I want sex in the light, no pain no lies--a true life partner out in the open. And I wasnt -- am not-- weak cause I take the high road, ignoring the ow. Because I am protecting my business, my family reputation in our small southern town & ultimately my children. I will fight for my children's ignorance of this as long as we are reconciling. I will never apologize for this trait of mine. Loyal & fight to the death for my children. And I wasn't stupid when I threw myself @ him--he was . for not seeing the best thing he had right in front of his face! Now about the spark & connection--I could still leave to find that in someone else. The jury isn't out yet. But it's not all my responsibility to light this fire back. He's going to have to work just as hard as me. I'm so glad to read all you wonderful ladies' posts. By the way, we are getting the paperwork ready to try to sell the business!
ReplyDeleteIris
ReplyDeleteI know right?!?!? Details details. I hate it when the police ce between me and my fantasies. I like the eye on the tip of the sword fantasy too. Maybe I could incorporate it intoy house burning fantasy
Queen B
ReplyDeleteFirst I have to say. Love the name. That's what I have on my business cards!!! Second I am so jealous that you get to sell your business. I am dying to sell ours. The OW was hired into our business and I get a daily hell hourly reminder of her presence as her name is everywhere.
I've faced the OW and did not take the high road and do not regret it. I've told her off and flipped her off. I've gone into a retail establishment and while I didn't do anything overt I starred her ass down. She doesn't intimidate me but I've heard I scare her.
Good!
I've had a bad day today in therapy. I finally admitted I'm not happy. My h has been wonderful but still falls short in many ways of showing me he has my back. We have a trip to Europe planned next week and I really wish I were going alone. Four years later and maybe the shock and awe is over and I'm finally settling in to what's acceptable and what's not. Don't know yet but I'm thinking of putting an b into action. Maybe it's devious but kinda getting to the point where I don't give a crap. I'm out for me now. Not going to look for a revenge affair though. That would just be stupid. Besides so not interested in any kind of superficial relationship. Maybe because I've been there, done that? Don't know:(
So I have a question for everyone here- especially after reading the "knight in shining armor" posts...and I'm one who told him I needed him to rescue ME...so-
ReplyDeleteI have discovered that my H does not have words for emotions. He simply is not capable of talking about emotional issues and he handles emotional turmoil by retreating. I never knew this at all in 30 -plus years of marriage. So I wonder if anyone else has discovered this, or if this explains a lot of why many of our spouses could not ever talk with us about what was wrong and so they told themselves some kind of story (his was I didn't love him anymore) and cheated on us. That's the story I'm piecing together- and even now in recovery, he really cannot say how he feels- he literally cannot put words to emotions. He gets very confused when we try to talk about emotional issues. Does anyone else see this - is it common?
C.
Anon I used to sit in silence with my H nightly because he's so quiet. For me it was a comfortable silence at the end of the day, not a stone cold icy silence. I was always beat from the day. He was not a chatty guy. We held hands , cuddled , he rubbed my feet. Every single night. I thought it was working FINE for us. Whoops. Seems he had plenty of words for people who were "not important" (his words). So we had to learn to communicate. It comes more naturally for me (so does being a smart ass )but he has really had to learn. It's not easy. I asked him to write a letter to me and I think the real communicating began then. Can your husband form thoughts on paper? Is it that he feels put on the spot? Afraid to say something he can't take back? It's REALLY HARD to change lifelong patterns. I hope he's trying? Are you in therapy? Therapy really helped. One thing we did? We had to repeat back what the other was saying to make sure we understood each other clearly. Whew. Not as easy as it sounds. Could never have done this without a great therapist. Never. I'm pulling for you.
DeleteMy H felt ignored after a new baby, unloved, unattended too that he told himself it was better to meet his needs elsewhere then bother me ... he continued to tell himself the baby and my focus was better not disturbed. That i didnt have time for him. As he got deeper in the affair even though we were having sex he further detached himself by thinking of me as a room mate. He turned off emotionally in bedroom ... all day to days were met family stuff and while we still had sex it became routine vs in tune loving and satifying. Looking back he did try to tell me several times but not in a way i understood ... not real communication. But anger, little shots jabs and now i see thats because he was hurt..... dont get me wrong some of it also has to do with excitment ... selfish and damn right wrong doing. We were vulnerable and he allowed himself to take an outlet. He could have choose to help me find ways for more us time ... i too could have done some things different at same time we had job changes. Health issues and a million other things going on
Delete.. lost in the shuffle and while i long for my innocent love of b4 dday my H now opening up says not a chance he wouldnt want that he doesnt like himself during that time. The lies and deceit are core eating but can i reach in and really try to understand? Get through and over this ... well over probably not but past this to a new phase? Im very early in ... hes trying ... and i hope its enough. Im stuggling over reinteraring known details as i try to put my stop sign up and say enough ... he cheated that simple perhaps me going over it again is to reconfirm what it really was... to much time and some money ... sure ... really just sex and dive bars. The ow also had a save me poor me need you attitude where im take charge strong headed ill find away chic. Opposites!!! Ow need turned into manipulation by ego strokes and no boundary kinky sex ... free.... though last 6mo or more turned into hell fir my H so he says threats fights and more money etc to try and keep covering his dirty secret. Ow claims love ... h says maybe caring but looking from outside in nothing special could have been anyone ... he also even felt used to a point he never really took the time to review money time all of it ... he was giving and gaining really nothing but sex and drama. Now we are reconnecting his shame guilt arises as he realizes he really does have it all right here always has. I keep trying to look for the good in today and fight off the gloom of the past ... at times thar i was so happy enjoying previous moments my H was miserable not with life family but us losing 100% attention of his best friend. Lover. Everything. I hope this wont define us and we are up for the challenge to rebuild. .. prosper even. Xo ladies ... one step at a time is all i can do. Finding a little sparkle each day while yearning for the hope diamonds. Anythings possible id like to believe this ... love conquers all? But certianly now there are no guarantees and maybe knowing this allows up to move on rise above.pull through ...i know i wouldnt be any less hurt without him as staying with him. I feel hes given me many blessing and a huge F up too. Striving to be something better then we were and in my blinding eyes prior to dday i thought we were pretty damn good. The truth hurts but as ive seen here before id rather be slapped with the truth then kissed with a lie anyday.
Ps my h had some trickle truth at first once he opened up .. he found although his shame didnt alleviate he came to find he can tell me anything and in doing this we were working with the wave not against it. Yep in this shitstorm with you ... grab a paddle its gonna take some rowing. Elle said it take real vulnerability to do this. Be all in admit your faults fears fuck ups but once we see it hurts but doesnt kill us we can start to heal. Cause when you are at the bottem nowhere to go but up!
DeletePSS ... lol i dont think we will ever be able to understand a mans ability to compartmentalize. Really .... truly .... they r just wired different to some extent. I may always have somw whys. How could you and what ifs but i find once my h admitted alot of detail ... some too much even ... otger things not enough i find thinking reviewing beats obcessing over unknowns and drawing my own conclusions fill in blanks anyday . Sure it was exciting at first. Care free and different but even though i can fathom dealing with what turned into be drama bullshit and headaches at times too ... some things he says happened he dealt w are so out of his character. .. wouldnt fly. No way but he said there is no way to explain the desparate feeling when he realized im in deep and will do anything to not let my wife find out .... until he could figure out how to tell me. How to get out of this mess? Elle quotes no way out only through and i know hus choice is his to do to fix himself and a united partnership to try and heal us. Sorry rambling. I find it helpful as i was going over details today ... and why helpful and wasteful i guess ... processing. ....
DeleteWounded, I think it's fair to write and process. For me, yes I journal ed quite a bit, but i noticed that I was much more open and processing when I was writing TO someone, be it a friend or BWC, so keep posting, I think we can relate to what you are saying and going through and of course the "slap me with the truth" is so perfect it's worth repeating.
ReplyDeleteMEN. Cheating MEN. UGH
we might "understand" them, but I dont know that we will ever UNDERSTAND them. what the hell--what in the holy hell were they thinking??? They can't have a "relationship" with us for a time for whatever reason, and yet they have time to start another? Almost without fail that side job ends up wanting more time. My case it was only three months, and MAINLY Emotional due to the distance between them, but when SHE naturally wanted more (she didn't know he was married) the pressure got to him there too.
Rare is the woman who will settle for part of a man for a sustained period of time. They find out them selves in the hardest way. And then WE find out and find out what SHE wanted wasnt even the hardest. It's getting to a new "us" which is the hardest thing.
C - I tried to reply to you above but it would not work. Yes, absolutely! We learned through therapy that my husband could only put words to two emotions "I feel bad" actually perhaps that was the only one. In fact, our first therapist asked us if H was able to express his emotions prior to the affair… I looked to him and he said well yes, yes, I could express my emotions for example if she asked me where I wanted to go to dinner I would say so. He truly has a difficult time putting his emotions into words. He will cry at a sad movie he will cry with loss he will become very angry at times, yet to express his emotions, to talk about his emotions, to put them into words and in that way relieve himself - he is unable to do that. Frankly, we have not gotten to that part in therapy with our new therapist, and that's OK because we are addressing other issues. The reason this all truly came to light is because our original marriage counselor practices from the emotionally focused therapy approach.
ReplyDeleteSo yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. Hugs to you :-)
Melissa
ReplyDeleteOh boy I think I am married to your husband's twin. My h has two emotions, happy-mad. I am either happy or mad. There is NO in between. My husband cries too, watching a golf tournament on the television and the golfer makes the put!!!! Seriously, THAT makes him cry?!? Men are from Mars.
I wish you the best in helping your husband get in touch with his emotions. I think trying to figure out the real meaning of life may be easier :)
Lol!!! Thanks for the laugh Trying :-)
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