Years ago I suffered a phobia. The one session I had with a coach who dealt with that phobia and only that phobia, changed my life. And though betrayal is, of course, different, I think what I learned might be helpful here:
Picture the future – and who you are in it.
This coach/therapist told me to carry a mental black-and-white photo in my back pocket that I was only allowed to glance at. It was me as a bitter old woman, stuck in my phobia (or in our case, pain), unwilling to move, unwilling to let go of this terrible thing that has happened. In fact we have clung to it because we think, somehow, that to move on will make what has happened see okay and it's not okay.
So there we are 20, 30, 40 years in the future. Still in pain.
It's a sad photo and it's all crumpled up because we have carried it for years. It's cracking, it's tearing, it's faded, it's beat up. You can only look at it briefly as a reminder of what may become of us if we stay here in pain and bitterness, with no wisdom to share, no stories to tell.
We didn't try to pick up the pieces of ourselves and move along. We just sat in our pain. Wallowed in it.
However, in my purse, I also carried an imaginary VHS (this therapy was a while ago – we can make it a DVD or a file on a thumbdrive now or on our phones). That movie is of me or of us, of you-of me – moved on through the pain – we kept going, we got better with time, we looked for and found happiness again, we refused to remain paralyzed by this awful event that has happened to us. We did not give up.
We worked it out, we lead full rich lives, we have great stories, and friends, maybe grandkids who want to hear our beautiful stories. Our lives have been fantastic. Maybe in small ways, maybe larger ways. (I had met a woman who raised a few dozen goats humanely for milk and cheese, after her husband passed – she loved working with those goats. She was a huge inspiration at the time.)
We should watch that imaginary movie over and over and over again. It's hard to believe we can get there, but we can. First step is to take the first step.
We just cannot let ourselves be stuck here in this pain forever. (Look at that old picture again. Don't we look miserable? Now put it away. NOW!)
Watch your movie again. In that vivid movie, the future you in HD is wiser, stronger, has risen through the muck and left that past (eventually) where it belongs and there you are in that movie, you are the star! Maybe a bit worn from the struggle (who isn't?) but there we are – there you are, happy in a beautiful garden you have planted, you have fruit and flowers for both beauty and sustenance for those in need of it and there's a chair on your beautiful porch to offer others a place to sit – and they love to sit with you because you are amazing and also have wisdom to offer.
Who would you rather be?
Getting through the pain is nothing you can or should rush. But if you can picture a goal, I think it can be helpful. Because I DID conquer that phobia, I lead a life I could never have led had i still been weighted down by it.
In regards to my H's cheating, I do lead a richer (but far from perfect) life, not because of his affair but because of my choices after the worst day of my life.
I can't change that day.
I can change what I did after it.
I did, I do and will continue to.
Take the step. Make your movie.
Steam
ReplyDeleteThis is very well written and I hope that others begin to try this for themselves! I have a similar 'picture' in my mind I use to ward off the bitter old woman. It is my mothers face. It's a very sad story about her life and choices she made. She was very mean spirited young woman and now just a very bitter old woman. I've spent my life trying not to be like her! Thank God I had my grand parents to give me and my sisters the love and guidelines for raising children! I spent months in therapy for that much abuse. I learned coping skills that I had forgotten until I found this blog. Even though it brings back bad memories, I have brought them forward to survive! This pain has been far deeper than the things my mother did and harder to cope with but the advice I have found here is more valuable than those months of therapy!
Thank you for being brave enough to share your words and support! Thanks to Elle for bringing peace to all of our tender hearts! Hugs to all!
"I can't change that day. I can change what I did after it."
ReplyDeleteYes! Every day I get up with the intention of moving forward, not focusing on what happened in the past. I'm not always successful, but I recognize that I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can.
My husband and I recently returned to his hometown to visit with family. I got to spend quite a bit of time with his mom and his aunts. No one in his family has a clue about his affair and what we are going through. I sat one evening and listened to his aunts taklking about their marriages and it hit me. I'm not sure any of them are happy in their marriages. I know I can't judge their lives based solely on those conversations, but is that where I want to be in 20 years... frustrated, angry, wishing I had a way out? If I continue to hold on to what I cannot undo, I will be. I know I love my husband. I know he loves me. I know both of us are learning about ourselves and each other. I also know there are no guarantees. I can spend the rest of my life resentful and guarded or I can trust my gut and just live every day as it comes.
Itt's a struggle especially when you've always tried to control everything. I still have a way to go and a few specific things I need to resolve or maybe just let go. For the meantime, they don't consume my thoughts so I'm focused on the positive.
Thanks for the great post, Steam!
I am reading this blog when crying in a bathroom. It has been 3 months and I am processing all over and over again.
ReplyDeleteToday, this article helped me see that there is hope in future. And I want a good future when I am happy and I make others happy. My husband continously is telling me to focus on NOW but somehow with all this huge ugly PAST (5 yrs!) I cannot. Thank U for hleping me find a life line this night. You are the beat 'just-in-time' counsellors. Thank U to all of you ladies who share and tell so that We can hold each other in the worst nightmares.
Ocean Wave
DeleteWe have each been where you are. I know I was! You have found as I did that this blog is so comforting in a time when nothing else is! I have read over and over again to really understand what others have been through is what I was going through too! You are so right about it being a nightmare but it is one we can all wake up from! It takes time and much patience! Both with yourself and your h. The time is different for each of us but just know you will get there a little bit each day! Take time to read more posts from the past few years! When you see the pain others have been through and the progress they have made, it will give you courage to seek that for you! You are going to have good days and some not so much but don't rush yourself! I tried it only makes it worse or it did for me! My h had spent a year trying to end his affair. So for him once ow had shared her truth, he thought we could both move past it in a hurry. Together we spent 6 months trying to get ow to stay out of our world! Now 6 months past that we are working on us! I have found a new marriage not the one we had before. My h had to endure weeks of not knowing which wife he was coming home to. Sometimes it takes screaming out the pain either by yourself or with him having to listen.
I had a night where I can't even remember all the hateful hurtful words I screamed at my h.
I read some more on this blog and recognized myself and I didn't want to ever do that again! I also finally heard my h telling me his truth about the affair and his truth hurts like hell too, but it made me realize how painful it was to him as he had to face his own shortcomings and insecurities!
What we both came to realize is that we are stronger together than apart.
We face each day one at a time! We have a much better communication with each other and even though there are still some rough times together we make it through!
Hugs for you!
Steam you are amazing when you put pen to paper... Thank you for sharing. I struggle everyday with what I feel I have become.. Im grouchy inside. All my life's choices have been mulled over. Sometimes I feel bitterness knocking on the door and I yell "Go Away." I wish I hadn't been through all this hurt, and all this pain. Sometimes I picture myself two different ways when I'm old. One is me as a little grouchy old woman dressed in black that everybody dreads seeing, and the other is me barefoot it a long white flowing skirt and top walking the beach with my silver hair blowing in the breeze.... Then I remember whatever I become is up to me..... Yeah that's right me..... Nobody can change me unless I let them.... So I'm working on me inside. Sweeping out the cob webs that have overtaken my heart where my true feelings used to live and thrive. You know the ones.... Love, joy, peace, kindness... Yeah they have been knocking on the door too, but unlike bitterness I've been saying hold on just let me pick up the shattered pieces so you don't have to see the mess when you come in.... It's time for me to try to open the door today! Love you girls tons. All that you share here has been an immense help to me in my life. Somebody is praying you through and that somebody is me. You will never be able to understand the magnitude of help these compiled posts have been. My husband's actions hurt me dearly.... All the moments that added up, right up to the time he chose to betray, me were his fuel. Now we are here together healing, and I can honestly say it's because your stories gave me hope...Love you girls ...- Ann from Texas
ReplyDeleteAnn From Texas, I have been meaning to say it for months--every time you say "love you girls" i feel a little warmer. thanks for those three words that make me a little happier every time i read them.
DeleteAll good advise ladies ... i struggled with anxiety for years ... along with years of therapy to try and manage ... overcome. When i got married, had a baby my anxiety melted away or perhaps i was just to busy to notice or too happy to care? Dday brought a flood of emotion with anxiety and a few panic attacks i thought i left in the rear view mirror so many years ago. If i learned anything in therapy the most prominent. .. anxiety wont kill you it only feels like it will. I hope that rings true to the boat if currently in too. That and some coping skills ive now had to revist apply or tweak to apply to my today. I also know walking ... excercise can work wonders. I dont want to be stuck in this hurt. I dont want to be hardened and bitter ... i still believe love is great and marriage a good thing. My outlook on blind trust and gaurantees have changed or perhaps just needed a little alteration to a pattern that became stale and value forgot ... life just got in the way. I am at times to black and white, direct and controlling. .. but as weve said maybe controlled and perfect from the outside looking in is overrated anyways .... trying to put forth the energy to succeed and conquer not be divided by this sea of betrayal lies and deceit and instead view the vulnerability, closeness and better communicate that has come about as a result. Looking for the sparkle and little things in each day ... cause lots of littles eventually add up to big ... maybe even whole .. or healed. .. imagine that ... its hard some days, most ... but nowhere to go but up ... right.
ReplyDeleteI am a bit on edge about fall and winter setting in ... feeling confide with my thoughts ... no sunshine on my face? Guess well take it in stride.
Xo
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DeleteThis is great. I like the specific images you give. I try to tell myself these messages and i get it intellectually. But putting these images along with the messages helps me. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteDandelion - Funny you mention about listening to others talk about their marriages. My husband and i are both seeing this when we are with others. They are not happy, do not treat each other well. So interesting how we never saw this. And when reading one of the many books i did either a gottman or glass book they mention how one person can compare their relationship to others and see it in a negative light and the other compares and sees it as positive. Well i always saw ours in a positive way, i never complained to others and always thought i was lucky. Funny how he was the total opposite. He idealized other marriages and thought they are perfect for each other and what they have is so good. Well now he is seeing it differently. Just the other weekend we were with a couple that three weeks ago he said they are the best couple i know they have it all. They really are a perfect fit/match. Well when we were with them i offered to let the wife switch seats with me so she could sit next to her husband. And she was like please no that is the last thing i want. We get on each others nerves and have not talked in four days. And it went on and on all night. Well my husband was shocked. You just never know what goes on in anyone's lives. I have always said and felt that. And one thing i have not done is compare my marriage to others. It is a good lesson to learn. And i agree with you that is the last thing i want. I would rather be alone than living that way. So all my efforts will go into making this marriage the best possible version. And at least in the end i will know i have tried my hardest no matter what happens. No regrets!
Love this, except, OW#1 is a goat lady! I can laugh about it now. But, now her husband has left her and divorced her and moved on with a new love. She is the one becoming the bitter old woman, not me. Her husband has posts of family vacations with their daughters. She posts bitter comments and lies and pictures of her goats.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has worked his but off to make things right. We are on our way. Life is good.
Tangerine
Great post Steam! I am going to tout Brene Brown's new book again: Rising Strong. This essay encapsulates it so much. Sorry that I keep shilling for her here but I think you would agree.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I have always carried around these sentiments deep inside, since day one. I credit this belief with keeping me going. So even when I can't help but feel like a victim, defeated, resentful, bitter, hopeless, or swallowed up by it all--that little nugget of truth that you expressed above, keeps me going on the path to my whole healing. So when I cant help but feel horrid feelings, I stop and let myself feel them but do my best to not react or run away, AND I remind myself of who I want to be at the end of all this. When my youth and good looks are gone :) , who do I want to be on the inside. I love the analogy of carrying the tape around in your bag. Because somedays, I am filled with such negativity that I can't muster it up from within, I need an external reminder that I will not be defined by these feelings. I hope my fellow travelers on this journey can carry a bit of hope with them at all times.
Tangerine!!! I am laughing! what are the chances that goats would be a theme! I promise you your goat lady could not be my goat lady, who must be now pushing 90.
ReplyDeleteI am glad your life is good---
I pity the goats stuck with your husbands OW#1
I am six months from D-Day. My husband and I are better than ever. His affair is past, history, over. Lasted a year (an out of town thing, work related, sporadic contact) and was over two years ago. No contact at all with OW. It's truly over. We are enjoying our "second marriage" and have fallen in love all over again. He has been so patient as I have worked through healing. The problem is me me ME and these darn mind movies. I can't make them stop. They haunt me, send me into a tailspin and full blown panic attack. I want so badly to make this all go away. To be able to turn off in my mind. I hate the fact that I'm allowing the past to taint my current happiness and eclipse my peace. Especially when it is so rear view mirror to him. It's all me. And my mind. Some days I'm happy and strong and at peace. Other days I'm a weepy wreck that can't get a grip and is wrecked by thoughts of past betrayal. I'm just so confused and messed up by the battle that I fight - especially since things are so so so good with us right now. How we can be in such a good place, so committed, so restored - and yet I fall apart over images and thoughts and can still be haunted by these ghosts. *SIGH* I read the comments over and over and over - "Give it time, time, time, time" - from all of you who have been been on this journey longer than I have. Your words give me great strength and hope. You are all such amazing women.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteMost betrayed wives experience symptoms of post-trauma and it sounds as if that's what your mind movies are for you. Are you working with a counsellor to help you deal with them? There are things you can do (snap an elastic on your wrist when you start spiralling down, picture a big stop sign in your head, say "stop" out loud, immediately call a friend who will distract you, etc. etc.) but sometimes our inability to get past something is a signal that we still have work to do around it. Talk to a therapist and see what he/she thinks.
MBS, I have heard Brene Brown speak on television however I have not read any of her books… If I was just starting which book would you recommend?
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
DeleteI don't think you can go wrong with any of her books. I found Daring Greatly really good because she goes to the heart of shame and vulnerability, which is such a key part of betrayal. But I've only just started Rising Strong, which seems great too.
Anon, The best advice I can give you is… what Elle often says, "be gentle with yourself." It almost sounds as if you were getting panicky not because of the mind movie but simply because you are having a mind movie. This may sound strange… But I say let it happen. Go ahead, have the mind movie and then direct it and anyway that you wish. My husband had told me of at least three major arguments that he and the OW had… In one such argument, they both stormed out of a restaurant in opposite directions. So when my mind movies would start, I would simply direct them to the mind movie of my choice… Which was the OW storming out of the restaurant upset and crying everyone is laughing at her and she is naked ( and doesn't look great naked lol) ... Now, as I say this I find that it seems cruel… However, it certainly helped for my mind movies to go away. For me, lately it has been more questions… Not specific detail kind of questions about the affair ... the questions in general about how, and why, and our moral compasses? And how did my husband's moral compass get broken? And is it fixed now? And if I am being crazy with such questions… And they bring me to a place of sadness, as they do… I let myself feel it and I am gentle with myself. Does this always work? No, absolutely not. But you know what? That's OK too… And I am gentle with myself. I love what one of the ladies on this site said recently… Your husband bought two tickets for journey on a train. You didn't ask for the ticket. You did not ask to go on this journey. Yet, here you are. Be gentle with yourself. You know, there is that old psychology method that I believe really does work. When you're sad, or anxious, or the movies are coming at you… See yourself as you were at five years old. What would you say to that five-year-old? How would you comfort her? I am certain you would hold her and tell her… Everything is going to be OK And so it will.
ReplyDeleteAll great suggestions, Melissa. Thank-you for sharing that.
DeleteToday for the first time I was able to discuss a trigger and mind movie with my h without screaming or losing my grip on reality! That says volumes for me! H knew from earlier this morning that something was bothering me but we have a plan now that when I can't put it all in words he needs to wait until I am ready to share it with him and work our way through it! I feel this is the only way for him to understand what triggered me and how I'm dealing with it! Progress in baby steps!
ReplyDeleteI definitely need company on this "scenic route". I feel so alone. One month since Dday and H is my best friend - so to whom can I talk, share my despair and brokenness? It hurts him, and he has his own struggles. Thank you. You have helped.
ReplyDelete1 mo out is still incredibly raw ... numb ... if your even showering and eating a little you are doing well ... im only a few months more then you ... marginally better at best but at 1 mo i was simply a mess! I found this blog on a sleepless googling night and read it for hours it's become my daily place of comfort to not being so alone ... in my case my H is my best friend and noone but us knows ... Read here. Absorb. Share ... just breath.
DeleteThank you! I will do that. You should have seen me reading your post - I actually literally took a deep breath! 😀
DeleteIt is so good to know that there are people who understand.
I'm 17 months past DDAY and I'm doing ok. I'm just taking it day by day....some days are much better than others. My H has been doing everything right, but it's me. I can't stop being angry....Angry at him for what he did to us, our marriage, our family....And angry at myself for staying....I know this is wrong because I did make the decision to stay, however they're certain things that I can't get past. The affair occurred in his work place and he did leave his job....Like I said he is doing everything right but he continually blames my family for his affair.. I know this is complete BS and it infuriates me to a point that I don't know why or how I can stay with him....but I'm here.
ReplyDeleteTo make matter worse, during my desperation, I used methods to obtain information and heard him tell the OW (who was probing "why are you still with her) and his response was I love my wife but I'm not in love with her....I'm only staying for my son....OUCH!!!!! I can't stop thinking about this statement. I think this hurt more that the actual knowledge that he had sex with that bitch....Fast forward to this week and I asked whether I should make plans to have our son spend time with his grandparents so we could spend the weekend together alone. His response was let's see. I come to find out that he spoke to his friend during the week and declares that he would rather spend time with our son and he definitely doesn't want our son to go to my parents house.....Again, another trigger and I'm ready to walk away....problem is he doesn't know that I heard him say those things to his friend. I'm trying to be calm but I feel a growing resentment towards him. I can't express how I feel and what I'm thinking. He friend called me immature and not motherly...WTF!!!!! I'm such a mess. I hate him for what he did to us.
....
that the only reason he
As the weekend approached
Burning Rage,
DeleteI think your name says it all. And it's no wonder you're burning with rage. While your husband may be "saying and doing all the right things", there's plenty he's saying and doing behind your back that seem completely counter-productive to reconciliation.
I think you have to face the hard truth that, right now, he's in the marriage to be with your son. And that's a situation you need to figure out if you can accept. Is he doing anything to rebuild your marriage? You say he's still blaming your family for his affair? How is your family responsible for his choice to cheat? Until he accepts total responsibility for his choice to betray you, it's almost impossible to move forward into a stronger marriage.
I think you need to get really clear on what you need and want from this marriage and have a difficult talk with him about what he needs and wants. Are you in couples counselling? That you're eavesdropping and getting your info from his conversations with other people implies that there's no clear and honest communication between the two of you.
Burning Rage, you clearly want more from your husband than you're getting and that's completely understandable. Not cheating isn't enough to build a marriage on. There needs to be a genuine commitment to each other.
There is a guy who post everyday on FB, it is inspirational because I relate it to healing.
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time in your healing when you walk away from the drama and all the people who created it. Surround yourself with people that make you laugh, forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Falling down is part of life. Getting back up is part of living.
Lynn,
DeleteI've read this before on FB and brushed it off. Re-reading it now, I can see how applying it in some ways is helping me heal. I would like to forget the bad, but it's hard. Instead, I'm just choosing to focus on the good rather than the bad. It helps.
And yes, getting back up is part of living, sometimes painful but I think better in the long run than staying down.
Today I am 4 month post D-day and I have found such incredible comfort, support, and hope from all the women sharing their stories here -now, I will share my story.
ReplyDeleteIn December 2014 my H’s best friend – the best man at our wedding 14 years ago – and a dear friend to both us of killed himself. In early February 2015 my H’s aunt who fulfilled the role of a loving mother for him died. About 1 week later my husband started having an affair with a woman 20 years younger than us (we are ~ 40 years old). The affair was both sexual and deeply emotional – he wrote her very passionate and romantic love emails. He repeatedly declared his love for her, promised to be with her forever, dreamed of a future with her, said he was only happy with her, addressed her with terms of endearment that were for me, quoted her romantic lines of poetry. And she responded in-kind, she was/is deeply in love my husband.
I discovered the emails and the affair in June and was literally brought to my knees. Since June I have been struggling to find my way through this soul crushing pain. I have been moving through the pain, more pain, sleepless nights, and zombie days. For the last several weeks, I have been in a very angry phase (straight up pissed off), which has resulted in some big fights and actions that I would have never expected from myself – I punched out the glass on a French door and had to get stitches. Slowly though, I feel that I am becoming ready to put down the pain, not be controlled by the anger, and move towards something positive and hopeful.
My H and I are still together. We love each other very much and are committed to our marriage and rebuilding a life together. We are back seeing our psychologist separately and together; although, it has been sort of on a sporadic basis. He is very sorry and says it only happened because he was in such a dark place with his grief. I understand this… but I think, this affair exposed weakness in the heart of our marriage and wonder why wasn’t I and our marriage his place of refuge. Why did he seek love, compassion, and connection with some else???
The hardest part is that there is still contact with the OW; my H is a pianist and she is one of his private students. He plans to continue teaching her piano. I know this sounds insane, but there is a long back story on why I am at all willing to tolerate this. The continued contact with her has been extremely difficult and we are very much struggling with issues around boundaries that help me feel safe and not threatened, and rebuilding trust. Also, I feel a huge amount of pressure to just accept my H’s logic that this was all due to grief and depression. That he would never leave me to be in a relationship with her and he would never be physical with her again. He wants me to get over it and keeps saying “there’s no threat, how can you feel unsafe, move on.” He can also be very caring and supportive. It is hard with often both of us swinging between dramatic emotions. Also, I know he is still struggling with a lot of grief.
Ahh it is so hard! I’m afraid healing will take a long time.
Elle – thank you so much for this site, it is godsend and I would be lost without it!!!! To all the brave ladies here thank you, love you, and together we can find our way.
So much of your story sounds like mine. So many of your questions are the same. Thank you for sharing. We are not alone!
DeleteBecky,
DeleteI can't imagine what sort of backstory makes sense of his continued relationship with this student of his. I think it's playing with fire and putting you in a horrible situation where you are stuck with the constant reminder. There are other piano teachers in the world.
Your experience isn't uncommon at all. I never dreamed I was capable of such rage as I experienced post-D-Day.
I'm glad you're both seeing a psychologist and perhaps he/she can outline to your husband why you might feel "unsafe" in the wake of a partner's betrayal. It astounds me that he can't understand this. The person you trust most in the world betrayed you: lied, shared his heart and his body, and excluded you from that part of his life. While you're showing great patience with his grief, I would expect at least that level of empathy from him for the grief you're experiencing. You've experienced trauma. And it takes a lot of time and patience and support to move through trauma. What isn't at all helpful is people wondering why you feel unsafe and can't "move on".
I'm so sorry for all you've gone through. Glad you found us. But I hope you'll also give your own grief the time and healing it needs.
Becky,
DeleteI had a longer post but some how it got lost. Her is the abbreviated version: Your situation sounds very similar to mine and I would seriously caution you to not accept his explanations and to hold him to the fire. Moving on from an emotional affair, especially when it's the emotional artist types (my h hooked up with a fellow musician too) is extremely hard for the cheating spouse. He may want to be with you but he may not be able to give up the passion and high. You are feeling unsafe and have not reason to trust him. That is why you can't move on. His insistence that you move on and that you should just believe him sounds like gas lighting or atleast lack of accountability. You sound alot like me--trusting, compassionate, and forgiving. And boy did that burn me in the end. My greatest lesson has been to listen to my inner voice, not the promises and assurances of a man who failed me in the worst way. Like Elle, I can't imagine why he needs to keep this woman as a student. Why can't he put you and your safety and healing first? Why are you accepting this? Ask yourself if you are allowing yourself to really feel the full force of your hurt. Is he really recognizing the full extent of the damage he caused? Sometimes it takes awhile for the numbness to wear off and the full impact to be felt. Will he be able to tolerate seeing that and understand it? Is he really able to put you and your marraige first?
Thank you for the replies and support. It helps to not feel so alone, we have not told anyone and I often I feel very alone. You have asked me some challenging questions - why did I agree to this? Have I felt the full impact? I will try to honestly think about theses and others. My H is not totally clueless. He is loving supportive knows the need for safety and we must rebuild trust, but.... We have a very long way to go!!!! The risk of ongoing emotional betrayal is what scares me the most. I will be listening to my inner voice. I know just what you mean. Thank you both.
DeleteHere I am ladies - having a hard time ... and no doubt a sleepless night. That's what happens to me. Pre affair ... even during affair ... pre DDay, my h and I did most everything together. Sure, we had our times out with the girls or the boys; we even took separate vacations. Now, he needs to get away ... this week he went out alone on Momday night for a short time, went out with a buddy in the middle of the night Tues night and was going to go away to his folks without me this weekend, but I got upset and he decided to put it off until next weekend (so I had a chance to make plans with friends,) but then suddenly a friend texts him tonight to meet for beers and watch a game tomorrow and now that's what he is going to do ... a guy thing, so I wouldn't be going. (I had mentioned a plan I was interested in prior to his friend texting ... but no, once again, "he needs to get away." I told him he is his own person and he is going to do what he wants to do ... he has always been one that needs alone time and Guy time ... yet it is more now, I know partly because our schedules have changed and we are together much more in the evening at the house ... mainly doing boring stuff like chores or watching TV, certainly not relationship building. I've asked him to do a few, fun, new things recently and he says he's not interested. So tonight after he tells me of his plans tomorrow, on a Sunday ... I get out of bed and he says, "you're angry" - I said, "no, I just don't know what to do with this relationship... it is as if you do not want to spend time with me. This is not the relationship we had before, and I don't know what to do with it."
ReplyDeleteHe did suggest and we are taking a weekly volunteer class together ... I honestly don't know the true definition of narcissist? But I wonder about him sometime?
Besides the affair, we seem to be in a tough spot in our life/marriage... we do not have children, many of our friends are gone, died or moved away, or we kinda grew apart .... and none of our immediate family live near us. We are rather isolated ... and to some extent I get it ... I need time away from him too ... I guess it is just hard given the circumstances. I'm sorry; I'm rambling, but I do feel better just getting it off my chest. Hugs my ladies. Prayers for peace and sleep. Love you :-)
Melissa
DeleteI feel your pain as my h is very similar to yours. We have moved four times in the last six years for his work. I sold my business 18 years ago and have only had part time jobs that never paid much. I invested my life savings into our lake house and h has his 401k still invested. I'm grateful that he came out of his mid life fog and realized that the affair was just a sexual fascination rather than his having fallen in love with her. No doubt she felt like he loved her and she thought he chose our marriage because it was the easy choice! Well I'm sure my h would tell you this has not been easy!
My h has to travel for work and I was alone every other week during the time ow was sending me texts and trying to convince me that there was more 'truth ' than my h was telling! I don't want her truth! I wanted his! He was finally able to give me the timeline and how it began as a friendship that turned into an affair. This truth is painful but not as painful as what she wanted me to believe!
Like you I have only a few friends in the area we are in but I'm lucky I am close to my mothers house so I can take care of her needs and not spend so much time thinking about the past mistakes my h has made and believe me he made the mess worse the way he allowed her to continue contact for the last six months of the year. We are both having to work hard on our own shortcomings and together we are going forward to a better relationship! I'm not good at allowing my h his alone time as the affair showed me that he was using his alone time during that year so wrong! He has had to give up his favorite activity as its a big trigger for me as that is how they met and fell in lust. He gave up his gym and now we have our gym we share as I refused to go to any place I know he took her to.
This has not been easy for him but he has spent over 30 grand renovating our house to rid it of the memories she had with him here. He wanted her out of his life a year earlier and she would not leave him alone until he had her arrested for harrasment. I finally realized that her truth was not his truth and she is the crazy one. Not me!
One day at a time is all I can manage but I try to make it through the best I can. Hugs to you!
Melissa (and Theresa),
DeleteSo much of marriage is negotiating. And when two partners are committed to creating the best relationship they can, the negotiating is much easier than when one of the partners comes from a place of resentment. While I recognize that different people have different needs socially, in the wake of betrayal when so much damage needs repairing, it's reasonable to expect a wayward spouse to give up some of what they want for the health of the marriage. So I can see, Melissa, how hurtful it is to you that your husband seems unwilling to put the marriage first; instead he puts what he wants/needs first.
While I don't know if he's a clinical narcissist, he's certainly self-centred, which I suspect has been his problem all along. And because you seem to be such a compassionate, understanding person, for the most part, the relationship has worked...but at the expense of your own wants/needs.
What sometimes happens post-betrayal, is the betrayed spouse finally feels entitled to express her wants/needs instead of putting them aside for the sake of peace or the other partner. I sure as hell did it...still do, in some cases. But when your needs aren't stated clearly, then your husband responds by feeling guilty and resentful and blaming you when it's really a matter of both of you struggling to establish clear expectations and boundaries.
You are entitled to be disappointed when he doesn't spend time with you. And he needs to allow you to be disappointed without making this about him and his guilt. He needs to be able to say to you that he needs xx nights out with his friends. And you get to decide whether that feels reasonable to you. You can't control him...but you can negotiate to get as much as what you want/need in your marriage. And he does the same. Ideally, you both reach a place where you feel heard and valued and like your needs/wants matter to the other person. Right now, I'm not sure you're feeling that.
Elle
DeleteYou are so right about the negotiations between a husband and wife for mutual satisfaction. We had that prior to the affair. Our disconnect began during a very difficult time for both of us when our daughter was struggling through a bitter custody battle for our grandsons. Our daughter had to have a place to live with the boys until she could untangle her finances from the baby daddy. This was very difficult and emotional for the entire family. My h chose to bury himself in a relationship with a new woman rather than deal with the grief of the family at home. During that time I was in our lake house he lived in the house we bought for work. Our dog out grew my Volkswagen Beetle and until h bought me a car to haul her the 250 miles to the house with him I was stuck on the lake and resentment did start to settle in. The time frame was only about a year and by then h wanted out of the mess he created with the ow but she had become so emotionally attached and he feared not only what the truth would do to me and what would happen to the ow. He spent that year helping her out of a bad marriage and restoring her license. He understands now that was the worst thing he could have done but was unable to get her to back off. She was the one that suggested she remained as his mistress thinking he would choose her once she shared the truth about their love. I didn't pack my bags and run away to the lake house so she continued to contact both of us creating a hostile environment for me and my h. He has told me the discussion he had with her after the last physical contact with her and she didn't believe him when he told her he didn't love her and even if we divorced he wanted her to move on with her life. The emotional ties he created with her in order to continue the sex he wanted in the beginning of the affair were very difficult to break. Even having her arrested for harrasment didn't have an impact on her attachment to my h. She needs counseling and we hope she gets some as within hours of her sons death, she broke the no contact court ordered to text my h for emotional support as she had for the three years he knew her. The physical relationship was not the important part for her. This was the hardest part of the year for me! I felt like I was the ow breaking up their marriage and my feelings did not matter. My h was running away from her for a year and a half before she could not stand to be rejected any longer and spent the day sharing her truth. Now that it's been a full year past that day, we are finding our way back to a better us. I struggle with his alone time because I was without enough us time for so long both due to our living in separate homes and his amount of traveling for work. He has finished the long distance project and it is getting slowly but surely better. I'm so thankful for all the support I feel sharing on this blog. Elle, your words of wisdom have been the relief my h needed to help me get through some of my rage and I continue to listen to the advice you and the other strong ladies give to me and each other as we all move forward together! Thank you for your compassion and strength! Hugs indeed!
I'm having similar issues with my H. Doesn't it seem to add insult to injury that we have to chase these men around to rebuild these relationships? It can be a very lonely feeling. God bless you - hang in there!
ReplyDeleteYou know, as rough as things are right now, my H does do one thing that I appreciate. When the feeling are too much for me, I write him emails, and he reads them and lets me know he has heard what I have to say. It bridges the gap a little....
ReplyDeletePhoenix
DeleteI too have been able to express my feelings better in email than when we are together because I become so emotional! I'm getting better at ridding my mind of the constant mind movies with his help! The ow had six months to send bits and pieces of truth mixed with her desired truth. I'm now concentrating on my relationship with my h and dealing with the rest of the mess when the trigger hits! Not always easy but we are making progress! Hugs!
Yesterday was the anniversary of D-Day 2 - the day I found out from the OW that my CS and she had been in contact for a month. He says that he was taken aback by the strength of feeling when she contacted him and it was at that time he truly worked through what he really felt for her (and realised it was not really love) (emotional affair). As a person from day 1 I have been openminded, understanding as to how he went into the affair, cognisant of my own failings and contributions to my husband's low confidence in our marriage. However I am also aware that I was the emotional engine throughout our marriage (17years) and that, because of his conflict avoidance, combination of lack of confidence and masking arrogance I've been made to feel 'wrong' and 'over the top' and 'over emotional' and 'nagging' for so many years. I admit that not getting through made me exasperated and shouty at times - a vicious cycle emerged of him stonewalling, and stereotyping me instead of reaching for understanding. A year after d-day 2 I feel stronger (and of course wiser) as a person but also still gut punched and reeling after the awful events. Even though my husband is trying so hard to grow into the person he wants to be, I find it hard to keep being so patient and understanding when he does not properly support me. However I know that he lacks emotional competence - so how much is it fair to ask of him? When things are nice and there is a close feeling its great, I feel good and it all really works for him. When I need him to acknowledge the efforts I am making to get over my fears to be with him I am often disappointed. I know that he may get there eventually but it makes me feel weak, needy and not the strong person I want to be when I don't get the proper acknowledgment from him. What I am trying to say is that, yes, we need to be strong in ourselves, independently but if we are trying to be an 'US' then there is a level of vulnerability in opening ourselves up, sharing ourselves, in words, emotionally, physically etc. I feel that his betrayal of what I saw as the USness (long term friendship, openness, truth, openmindedness, trust in each other's openmindedness, loyality to your family) leaves me unsure as to what USness means to him. I read a great article recently about different kinds of trust relationships. The one that is lost in infidelity is Identification Based Trust - where we felt we were alike, that we had the same values, valued the same things in the relationship. The truth is that what is core for me, is not quite as core for him (he was not brought up the same way) even though he is a good man with strong values (he sees he betrayed them himself.) To feel safe in a relationship, to want to be in a relationship we need to feel that we are in a place where our values are safe, important, intact. As Storm is saying in the article, this means we need to find ourselves and what we are, what we value. What still remains a challenge is getting back on the same page with our CSs, finding a renewed identity with them after they blew it all out of the water.
ReplyDeleteFragments,
Deleteso much of the healing that comes post-betrayal is recognizing that our husbands aren't who we thought they were. The question becomes whether we can love the whole of them, even the broken ugly bits. It's easier, of course, when we can love the broken ugly bits of ourselves first.
That said, are you seeing change in your husband as he works to better understand himself? Is he doing the work to become the man you deserved all along? It's one thing to stop cheating -- it's quite another to use that pain as a catalyst to rebuild a marriage. I'm curious what he's claiming responsibility beyond the cheating. And what he's hoping to change about himself.
These are fantastic questions I am putting to him Elle. The feeling is that he really wants to develop as a person, a father and husband and he'll need some time to undo some of the habits from his family of origin. We both need to grow as Storm says. He wants to be able to negotiate issues rather than ignore them though he still needs a lot of practice in engaging rather than fleeing and burying his head in the sand. Thanks again for your sage words Elle.
DeleteHere's my update. As you may recall from an earlier post, my husband on short notice decided he needed to get away last Sunday. He left around 930 in the morning and I didn't hear from him until about 8 o'clock that night. He suffers from avoidant attachment style and I suffer from anxious attachment style… A common pairing that can be hell let me tell you. Even still, I decided to make the best of it and reached out to friends to make plans for the day. I was fortunate enough to meet some good friends at a new music venue which was quite lovely. When my h called later at around eight he was obviously inebriated and told me where he was and that he'd be heading home soon. He did not realize that I was not home, nor did I say. About 45 minutes later he calls again and now his voice is a little stern… Where are you? I said I'm almost home. When I walk in the house you can tell he is anxious and he makes some comment about how nice I look considering the fact that he thought I was going to a nursery. I had told him earlier that I was going to this new music venue but he totally didn't hear me. In a very short amount of time he angrily said to me "I'm going to the courthouse on Tuesday and filing for divorce." I was quite calm and asked him well what brought this on? He was anxious and irritated and said I just can't take this anymore. As Elle so aptly pointed out awhile ago on this website my husband is terrified of not only my emotions but his own emotions.
ReplyDeleteI continued to remain calm and he went from angry and irritated to completely sobbing on the couch. He asked me to come to him - through his sobbing he told me he doesn't want to hurt me he is so confused he just can't handle all of this it's too much for him. His pain was so raw it was palpable. He went on to say that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him - he has this cloud hanging over him all the time and he feels like if we got divorced that he could put it into the box like he said I'm the box man I could put it into the box and not have to think about it anymore. But then he would son and he would say but I'm so confused I don't even know what I want or what I'm looking for or where I will go I comforted him and expressed how I feel he truly needs someone to talk to, as in individual counseling. I know that will never happen and I also know he probably will not remember much of the conversation he is having not only because he had been drinking because he simply can't remember emotional conversations. I did say to him that he does not know how to identify and express his emotions and he said look at me - his face sopping wet with tears - I tried to explain that if he could identify and express his emotions sooner he would not get to such a point of devastation. Continue to next post
As I said I continue to comfort him and we went to bed. Now some women, and some of my friends have said how can you continue to do this… ? I don't really know. I do know this though although I too consider divorced now and again I know that I'm not ready to make that ultimate decision on my part. If he made the decision of course that would be my decision too.
ReplyDeleteWhat I have discovered through all of this… The whole situation is helping to alleviate my anxiety in regards to abandonment. And I say "alleviate" because I do not feel I will ever truly be free of it. I do now know though, stronger every day, that if we do get a divorce as devastated as I will be and I will be I know I will be fine and that knowledge allows me to actually have a good time on the days or times when my H feels the need to run. Do I want this to go on forever? No. As Elle pointed out I want to work with my husband and our counselor on setting boundaries through negotiation so that we are both satisfied… With the opportunity for spontaneity on both of our parts, as well.
The other realization that struck me when I saw the ultimate pain in his face was that I want to be his friend. Through all of this I had told him if we get a divorce I will not be his friend (as he would) My main reason for that was I thought I could not handle it emotionally. Now, it may take a little while, yet I would certainly be his friend as I know he wants to be mine. (Next post)
(Last post whew!). Yesterday morning he was going to meet a friend and when he was going he said "I'm leaving" and then he said "yeah I know you've heard that before lots of times in the last few months." He often uses humor to alleviate tension and it is effective for both of us. Later that evening he said to me do you think I'm crazy? I spoke of the fact that I believe he needs blood work done he did have it done in December and does not want to do it again and does not feel that's an issue. ( I really want him to have his testosterone checked.) We see our counselor a week from today and I've decided I want that to be the topic of our discussion. His need to run the crazy outbursts of I'm filing for divorce and then the sobs complete devastation. Our last marriage counselor when asked directly if she felt that my husband needed individual counseling she said no I was completely taken aback and he will never forget that she said no. ( my individual counselor was in touch with our marriage counselor at the time and my individual counselor said that the marriage counselor said she thought that my husband would not benefit from individual counseling because he was not dedicated it to it and he would need years of counseling and it would never happen. I truly wish that rather than say no he didn't need it that she would've told the truth he desperately needs it and he needs a lot of it even though he may not do it). And the truth be told he probably won't go on a regular basis so I am hoping that our marriage counselor can help him in some regards. For me personally I am also in a place where I know I cannot control him I can only control me. ( and that is huge because it is actually my profession to assist people in addressing the issues of their lives and setting up appointments and knowing which direction to go. So not only is it the nurturing caregiving wife thing to do it happens to be my profession). And I have a time frame in my head as to how long I am going to live with his confusion. He is going away again this weekend to be with his folks they are elderly and he is concerned he will be losing them. And I am taking this as an opportunity to see friends go to the beach ... And the following weekend my sister is coming for a visit. This sister and he were very close and they have not spoken since before D-Day. As she said she cannot trust herself ... She is fearful she may just jump him and deck him.
ReplyDeleteOne final note, my husband has been suffering from a cold or allergies of some sort and the doctor had put him on an extremely heavy dose of prednisone for five days. That Sunday when he felt so anxious and he had to get away and he later was so irritated angry and upset was his final day of the prednisone. I am not making excuses for him nor do I even know for sure that this could've been the cause of his extreme outburst… However, I am just pointing out for everyone to consider that medication can really mess with a person's behavior and emotions. Thanks for listening everyone you know I love you all.
Oh Melissa,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the roller coaster you're on. I admire the conviction and strength with which you keep your self clear and strong. And I'm glad you do have a timeline in mind because I don't think this sort of emotional maelstrom is sustainable or healthy for you.
I'm interested in how terrifying individual therapy is for him. Given the confusion he admits to, the drinking, the asking for a divorce, the up, down and all around...why would he NOT want help getting to a place where his emotions and his actions are aligned with his values? I think any time we're soooooo resistant to something that is viewed as healthy, that resistence has something to teach us. Why not ask your marriage counsellor for clarification as to why he/she said 'no'?
Finally, I'm so glad that you're taking care of yourself and surrounding yourself with positive, supportive friends and family. And while your compassion for your husband is something he no doubt needs, just be sure it's not at the expense of compassion for yourself.
Thank you so much Elle. We no longer see that marriage counselor... although I could call her ... I will see what our current counselor has to say.
ReplyDeleteMy H .... " i miss the sparkle in your eyes" still beautiful ... but i miss how they used to look at me" me .... yeah .... me too. One foot in front of the other ... 5 mo mark ahead ... he ended that conversatio. With .... sorry .... im so sorry .... again.
ReplyDeleteWounded,
DeleteA male friend said similar words to me. We hadn't seen each other in a while and when we did, he looked at me and said, "The light has gone out in your eyes." He hadn't a clue what I'd been going through and I didn't tell him. But that comment broke my heart because it made my pain visible, not only to him but to me.
The light comes back on, Wounded. It takes time...but it does.
Things that have been shattered may be repaired, but they can't ever been made new again, can they?
ReplyDeleteBut I sure get sick of being sad all the time, don't you?
It's got to get better. It's just got to.
I heard Margaret Mead's daughter speaking on the radio today about something her mother said about marriage: She said that we each have roughly three marriages, many of us with the same person. We are all constantly changing and we go through different marriages as a result. Some marriages, of course, end in divorce. And some die and are reborn. Really made me think about all this differently. And made me realize that nothing, NOTHING, stays the same.
DeleteThat's an interesting perspective, Elle. I remember just a few months ago crying and saying how I wanted my old marriage back. But, truth be told, I no longer do. It wasn't perfect. It was far from it. I would never have picked my husband's betrayal as the way to get where I am today, but I do believe I'm in a better place, he's in a better place and we're in a more honest and real relationship despite the scars we both bear. I still struggle with the lack of certainty I'm now suddenly having to acknowledge, but the reality is that it was there all along. It was there even before this and it's there in EVERY aspect of my life, not just my marriage.
DeletePhoenix, it does get better. That may be very hard to believe right now, but it does. Take care of yourself and give yourself time. Share your feelings here when you need to. It's a great, safe place full of wisdom and support. Hugs!
Dandelion,
DeleteThat was exactly my realization. That "trust" that I felt -- that absolute certainty that my husband would never cheat -- was a total illusion. None of us knows. And that, of course, translates into everything else in life. None of us knows what's around the corner. We can make our best guess based on patterns, likelihood, past, etc. But to think we're ever guaranteed anything is a fantasy.
The challenge is to not let that make us scared but instead make us appreciate every day. The now. Because that's what we have and what we know and what we're guaranteed. Right now.
Appreciate the now! Fabulous advise what pressure it would take off of us. Huh....
DeleteWow, that makes so much sense to me. Maybe it's time to bury my old marriage, one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, some of what you are saying about the turmoil that both you and your husband are going through rings bells for me. My husband had been bottling up so many difficult (and normal enough) emotions for many years, he NEVER expressed them or let them out, due to his family of origin emotions and particularly conflict were extremely difficult to deal with. A whole month of affiar fog and confusion in his brain and a subsequent 2nd D-day were due to his continued confusion and trying to deal with a whole mass of emotions all at once. Shame, the betrayal of his own values, the reality he might lose his family, me and the kids due to his actions, undealt with devastation/trauma over his mother's severe and sudden stroke, the conflicting reality of our less than satisfactory marriage and the good feelings, care he still felt for the OW. A complete maelstrom for a man who could not deal with or share emotions at the best of times. My husband when to counselling after D-Day one but only for about 5 sessions - not near enough - family of origin issues were uncovered but he did not really deal with the affair or develop any competancies for sharing feelings etc.
ReplyDeleteIn the last couple of years also my son with Aspergers/High Functioning Autism has become a teenager and has really struggled with social and school issues (gave up school for some time.) He got to a point where everrything was just too much, he couldn't face us even mentioning any of the issues to him, even us walking up the stairs to his room would make him shut down. He spent a few weeks mainly under the covers of his bed not being able to face us, or life. He went to a counsellor for just one session and then could not face that either and did not go. It's taken ages but in the last couple of weeks he has started to go gradually back to classes and done this has been from his own initiative. He says that he feels better when he takes control of it and when we aren't pressurising him.
I guess what I'm saying and what we all need to be aware of is that sometimes these affairs are terrible maladjustments to feelings and stresses that the man undergoes. Situational factors on top of personality weaknesses end up pushing them over the edge. As with my son it can sometimes be so difficult to see when to push or ask a person to step up to the mark and when to back off a littlle, knowing that they are just overwhelmed. As adults and husbands of course we do need to be able to ask them to make positive choices - to get mental health assistance if they need it - sometimes an affair is a kind of breakdown (read Matt Haig's The Humans - not what you'd expect!). In your case Melissa, it's clear that your husband needs some kind of assistance and he needs to get it, even if it is very slowly, step by step in a way he can manage without being so stressed he shuts down again. At the same time you have been hurt by his actions, so for you to be the 'parent' or 'carer' for him in this doesn't seem fair to you. Is there anyone else that could come in from the outside and help (not easy to find such a person.)
Speaking honestly, it's hard yet to see from your situation if you husband and if you (and your marriage) will find a way through it, just as it was so hard for us to see here if my son would ever break through his anxiety, depression and dogmatism to find a way back to the world and education. We loved, as you are doing, we asked him to do what he could step by step and we gently made him aware of what was not acceptable. We did not accept doing nothing as a response. We helped him develop confidence (in us and himself) and competance. At the same time I built myself up so it wasn't just about my son (or my husband, whose actions I was getting over.) Long post but I hope it has shed a little light. Wishing you the best, Melissa.
Fragments,
DeleteThat's such a beautiful post -- you sound like such an incredible mom. I need to take your advice re. my own children. It's so hard to know when to push and when to just let them lick their wounds before they can face the world again. I suspect your approach of insisting that "doing nothing" isn't an option while still giving them the choice of which "something" to do is a very wise one.
And that's a very good point for Melissa re. being the "parent" for her husband. I hadn't really thought of that Melissa (though I tend to "parent" people so it feels normal to me, though it shouldn't). I have written on my whiteboard in my office that I am "responsible FOR" myself; I am "responsible TO" others, which means treating them with honesty. I need to remind myself of that. Often. :)
Thanks Elle, I feel more that I'm making it up as I go along than incredible and never know what has made a difference with the kids or whether they just need to develop (and brains wire up) especially the teens and preteens. Backing off and not taking things personally has really helped very recently so I'll continue to try to chill!
DeleteFragments, I prefer to call you Hope. Thank you so very much. Yes, you helped me tremendously. I love what you said about your son finding his own way, of course with your gentle guidance and support. And the fact that doing nothing is not an option. Add to that what you said about my been my husband's parent ... It all makes so much sense. Through this affair I have recognized that I need to step back and not force him to do that which he is uncomfortable with. ( that is in regards to his own healing… I do insist on marriage counseling, for our own sanity.). The truth be told, I have no control over what he does. I have also realized that he will take ownership if he does it on his own. Who can take that role for him right now? The parent role? I really am hoping that our current marriage counselor will have some good suggestions for him. Yet he also has a cousin who is a psychologist. She knows of our situation yet they have not spoken since D day, about eight months ago. After seeing his breakdown on Sunday, I realize that my responsibility, my love, my care and my concern at this point… Is not to save the marriage, but rather to help him to grow as a person. And frankly, he may need to do that as a single man. I do not know that answer right now. I was just talking to my sister today about a great article which I posted here sometime ago, which speaks to the fact that our psychological service system, whether through therapy sessions or through self-help books, is designed to benefit women and not men. I certainly do not know the answer yet given my fear of my husband's condition and his health and well-being, I at least want to reach out to someone who may have the answer. Thank you so much Hope. I have read your post twice now, and no doubt I will read it again.
ReplyDeleteLove and light.
I read a great quote today that id like to believe is attainable ....
ReplyDeleteOne forgives to the degree one loves
How profound! I'm pondering that possibility!
DeleteWow. Thank-you for that.
DeleteWhat actually stopped me in my tracks was the power in those few words. I kept waiting for more. There were none. That was the beauty. Thanks Wounded.
DeleteHello again, Melissa and all. Just to say, yes, they have to ultimately find their own way and the difficult phase is watching them stuck in self-destruct mode and not being able to reach them. It is only very recently that my son has begun to find his way & my husband certainly has grown and changed finally, although his second D-day made me wonder if he ever would. There are still times when I'm not sure if, as you've said, I will have to let them develop in their own space - whether the full competence is there. There are still times when I wonder if it will all fall apart again. What new perspectives we gain from negotiating all this uncertainty, your response fills me with a sense of strength and courage.
ReplyDeleteSmiling :-)
ReplyDeleteHaven't really decided how I feel about this so I knew my husband's affair was long term with just supposedly this one other woman it doesnt make it easier to understand when I thought it was going on I could see how our lives were busy and understand how he felt that could have led him to an affair its been 5 months since dday i was told affair had been off and on for probably about 4 years but only in about the last year and a half it was more frequent and then hot and heavy for at least the last year for sure six month that said it's still just didn't make sense to me something was still off and I've been pondering since I found out a couple months ago that my husband & other woman have actually known each other almost 10 years maybe a little over so they met while we were still dating and I guess had sex for the first time some time back 10 years ago before we were married contact continued but was infrequent on and off for years and sometimes they would meet just as friends to catch up and no sex was involved I guess I'm just really thinking about this because it was going on long before anything was really bumpy and in our relationship again they may only see each other once or twice a year and then not for many years it seems like anytime the ow needed something or was in between relationship she would call my husband and in some instances maybe it was just more like a friend ship and then when we were kind of bumpy in our relationship or more less busy is when it had the opportunity to be much more frequent and then eventually the last year year or 6 months a full blown in so deep affair guess I'm just thinking out loud he cheated regardless and I'm trying to focus on the today throughout most of all of our relationship I've always been happy thought I had it all and he's always taken care of everything I'm sad and now that I look at him differently I still see him as a good man a great father and our relationship now is much more better communication and I do want to rebuild this was just on my mind today broken trust and heart coming out of numbness processing real pain and just trying to get through. Im probably rambling. Ive been having some better days and also really feeling my feelings ... only way is through it right.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had 5 one being with my best friend of 5 yrs. These are all in the past and it's been 4 plus yrs but being I was diagnosed with PTSD as so many of us are my healing is really slow. so no we have not been able to make big strides they are very small and no I'm far from healed I still deal with flashbacks ,night waking, and triggers. I didn't sign up for this and I was patient when he was going through all his crap now if our marriage is to work out hrs going to have to be continue being patient with me .
ReplyDeleteKrista
Krista,
DeleteYes, a lot of us deal with PTSD. I hope you're continuing treatment for that. And yes, he does need to be patient with you. Is he not? Can he not see that, even if progress is slow, that's it's still happening? None of us gallop through this. Most of us move along, inch by inch.