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| What have I done with my dignity? |
So let's transform those feelings of humiliation into shared hilarity. Share your lowest "pick-me" moment.
The prize? Freeing yourself from shame. And having some giggles with us girls who know your pain.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Tell-the-Truth Tuesday: What Was Your Lowest "Pick-Me" Moment?
So let's transform those feelings of humiliation into shared hilarity. Share your lowest "pick-me" moment.
The prize? Freeing yourself from shame. And having some giggles with us girls who know your pain.
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For a couple of months after d-day, my husband was living out of the house. During our separation, whenever he needed to come by the house for something, I always had something good cooking in the oven. My house always smelled like baked cookies, or dinner. Even if it was something I bout premade, I threw it into the oven before he came by. I never offered him any. Just a little reminder of what he was throwing away. He got his head out of his ass, and has spend 4 years now trying his hardest to redeeming himself. Never will tell him I did that. He now thanks me for every meal I make him.
ReplyDeleteThat's quite ingenious. "The way to a man's heart..." after all. Glad he finally realized what he was missing...and it wasn't just the cookies.
DeleteI thought Lynn Pain gardening topless was amazing (really lynn, no matter the motivation I think you're a bad ass too) It's going to take me a minute to admit to my "pick me moment". of everything--everything, it still stands out as my most embarrassing moment of the whole damn storm--about 24 hours after d-day.
ReplyDeleteOooohhh...can't wait. Do tell.
DeleteBlowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs....sigh
ReplyDeleteYep, yep, yep. Not to mention another sex act that, for me anyway, wasn't all it's "cracked" up to be.
DeleteYes! Knowing where it's been makes me want to gag. And basically feeling like I have to compete with the OW in the bedroom by acting like a porn star. I hear some of the noises I make in the moment and think, "What the hell am I doing? I sound like an idiot!" Also, I threw out all my old panties (goodbye comfy maternity panties) and bought new ones and new bras and lingerie for the first time in years. Sex multiple times a week starting two days after DDay.
DeleteAbout 12 hours into d-day I may have promised sex therapy, braces, hair extensions and a boob job... as if I were the problem. Makes me cringe so much now, he did have the decency to cry and feel sorrow for the mess of insecurity he saw that in his selfish stupidity he had managed to reduced his previously confident, intelligent, sexy, powerful wife to a humiliated sad creature full of shallow clinging promises. It makes me want to sink under the ocean thinking about now. Thankfully I've regained much of my strength but it won't ever erase the pitiful person I was in that moment. Haunting, though I admit right now I want to hug that earlier version of myself, pull that traumatized mess into a secluded safe space to rage and recover. Oh how I want to rescue that sad version of myself and help her heal without that pathetic outburst.
DeleteOh Rose...so glad you can feel compassion for that sad, deluded you. Thank goodness most of us come to our senses or there'd be an even greater epidemic of mid-life Barbie dolls.
DeleteHey Grace, Nothing wrong with lingerie that makes us feel gorgeous. It's the itchy stuff that I can't stand. And yes, re. the noises. I hated feeling like I was acting a part rather than actually enjoying the experience.
DeleteThing is: I did ALL these things (and more) before D-day... gladly, with relish! We had a great sex life. I still don't understand why he did it. :-( 2.5 months out from D-Day.
ReplyDeleteBecause he is selfish and inconsiderate...something I've learned about my husband...but of course I still love him and yes, stooped to acting like a porn star...sad!
DeleteSelfish and inconsiderate...something I would have never said about my husband before he turned 40. I think we've all been there with the porn star routine because we think that's what they want...
DeleteI hear you, I did it all too. We did and do have an incredible sex life, unbelievably it's actually better in some ways now.... our new found complete and total honesty has been good in every area of life including sex. It has taken me a long time trying to make sense of it, we were always having pretty great daily sex and I never will totally understand his selfish betrayal. But It was mostly about his feelings of unworthiness as a human person, his disappointment in himself with career and all of the adult life/parent and partner responsibilities, and the ow was aggressive, a perfectly timed friendship that turned into life altering disaster. All of our stories are different but also similar, I don't know your story but I would bet it isn't about your sex life, it's more about him being broken not you. I'm so sorry for your pain and that you are now part of this group. It's heartbreaking but it does get better.
DeleteThis is NOTHING to do with you. I was always available for sex, pursuing him, up for pretty much anything, and my husband still cheated. He had starved me of sex for our entire marriage (I was always chasing him and sometimes even begging), and then HE cheated. It was a total WTF. I told him out of the two of us, it would have been much more understandable if I had cheated, but that's not the kind of person I am. Turns out my husband cheated because he'd been addicted to porn since puberty and had never sought help for it. That's what led him to cheat, not a failing in me.
DeleteI know it's very hard to believe, but it really is nothing to do with you. Men cheat because they are looking for something they are missing inside of themselves, not because there is something missing in you. Lots of hugs. 2.5 months is still shell-shocked time when it comes to recovery. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.
Gee,
DeleteI sometimes wonder if it's easier for those of us whose husbands acted out thanks to a porn addiction or a sex addiction because it becomes easier to understand that it had nothing to do with us.
Yeah, I've had the same thought. Also for me, it really was an anonymous encounter that horrified him that he'd sunk so low in his addiction that he crossed over from the virtual world. He wasn't ever in love with her, so I didn't have that pain to deal with.
DeleteAlthough there have been times I railed at him, "Why couldn't you be addicted to anything else???" If it had been drugs or gambling, I'd have known much sooner. Not that I actually wish that, as he could have OD'd or I might have had loan sharks after us. I know those addictions are no picnic to deal with. I think one of the hardest things is people thinking that porn/sex addiction are not real. I've been hearing that all over the place in the wake of the Ashley Madison hack, and it's very triggering.
'Men cheat because they are looking for something they are missing inside of themselves, not because there is something missing in you."
DeleteGee, that is really well-said. I'm going to try to hold on to that.
there were few things I was not into (including your's Elle-lol--not a fan and yet that TOO was revisited after D day)
ReplyDeleteBlow jobs? check.
Plastic surgery wishes? check.
Offers to go to strip clubs with him? check
but we always had a pretty robust and varied sex life, it had just +really+ dwindled .My H took to posting and answering ads online. He responded to one "prepare to have your hair pulled". For whatever ever reason, my sweet H writing those words to some stranger KILLED me.
When my original ranting raving, crying fit was finally offering small tear-less breaks, the words "You Know You Can Pull MY Hair Too" came out of my mouth, It was so random, it's funny now, but i was humiliated for a while because why the hell was I offering that to him NOW, when they were the exact words that flattened me! Oh hysterical bonding. Sometimes I miss you!!
Wow, an offer to pull your hair really is an eye-opener, isn't it? Yep, I forgot a few things. No offer for strip clubs but definitely a few visits to a sex shop. Thing is, I was more excited by this stuff than my husband who acted rather prudish about it.
DeleteI shredded all of her clothes that were in my husbands closet and then threw them in the pool. It felt awesome until the filter got clogged and I had to pull them all out and throw them out again... this time in the trash.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Frustrating when our perfect tantrum just leaves us with a bigger mess!
DeleteI burned a shirt of his that reminded me of the affair, it was immensely satisfying until the fire alarm went off. The kids woke up and were like - "Mom????"
DeleteOK I just spit coffee all over my monitor laughing!!! Lynn I think you are AWESOME for watering the garden topless!!! You go girl. Steam--still wiping the tears from my face hearing you scream "you can pull my hair too" I mean that is classic. Anon--lol I love the shredding of the OW clothes. Elle you need to do a post about the crazy things we did because I think I will win the prize!! Crazy doesn't EVEN cover it. But the pool thing did make me laugh. Elle, yes sex all over the place even offered up the no man zone.
ReplyDeleteWe can say it wasn't about sex but that forbidden sex is always alluring. Let's face it, all men are in it for the sex or the potential of sex regardless if he's having good sex at home or not. They are so base.
OK here's mine, embarrassingggggg. We went to a very expensive restaurant and I went to the ladies room and took my panties off and put them in my purse and returned back to the table and told him. Ughhh pathetic. Also shaved the curly girl completely off. I always kept her nicely trimmed but never bare. Oh boy :/
TH,
DeleteEgads, just remembered my own shaving. It was ridiculous. I felt like a pre-pubescent girl. And itchy as hell when it began to grow back in. Thanks for the memories...I think.
Cooking favorite meals, getting up cooking him breakfast before we leave for work ... porn star indeed just call me blow job queen ... sex shop ... im there ... clubs ... why not. hysterical bonding. .. yep been there done that. .even liked it ... my new found skinny jeans from the weight loss of this stress may have gave me more confidence but certianly doesnt heal a broken heart.. some of the new things im enjoying others i ask am i enjoying or just doing? I do have some limits which are respected. The ow i wonder too ... did she really enjoy some things which are different and outrages even and i may or may not compare too ever or was she just using her goods as apart of the spell ... trick of the trade which i kinda believe given every
ReplyDeleteTime he tried to break it off the deeds got racier the threarts and demands bigger. ...like a pick me race and from what i can tell required her fists of alcohol to complete ... only how can you be in a race when the opponent doesnt know your fighting/racing? Alcohols great but i dont need to to get down with my H. Maybe something ill always wonder .... i think though deep down different isnt better its just that different. We are all the same and different. If i let my mind wonder i worry ... can he be satified by one women after being with two long term? But i know it wasny me it was him and ive asked him he said two is alot of work ... no shit and it wasnt about having two but filling a void ... its always been me ... hes always wanted me ... she just substituted really while i was busy and had my rose colored glasses on.. anyone could have been her really i guess. I dont feel shameful for any of what i did doing ... bouts of crying ... lying on barhroom floor not my finer moment but real. The only thing now is if we skip a couple days i go on high alert ....like oh no ... is this mormal is it not ... hope they arent in contact ... yada yada. All i can do in the end is be ME.
"All i can do in the end is be ME." Wounded, we should all have this tattooed on our foreheads.
DeleteWhy is it when we discovered the cheating almost all of us tried to become more like the scumbags our husbands were using for sex? There must be a PhD dissertation in there somewhere.
ReplyDeleteI got my first Brazilian wax, pierced my nipples, and turned up my rear end for that kind of sex. I felt used and humiliated every time I let him do that, not to mention the pain. The last time he did it he didn't even sound like it was good for him. I finally was able to stand up and say I had more respect for my body and my brain to pretend I liked the "A" sex just to keep him in my bed. As if that would have kept him there anyway.
Ugh, I'm glad I'm stronger now.
Pierced nipples?? That's hardcore! And painful.
DeleteAnd yes, it does speak volumes that so many of us, until we really get clear on why affairs happen, immediately take responsibility for it, as if the length of our skirts or our willingness to become sex toys makes any difference at all.
I need the humor in this post today.
ReplyDeleteMy finer "pick me" moments...
Blow jobs, Brazilian waxes and booty shorts (neon pink).
Even funnier is that the booty shorts are all that have fallen by the wayside. OMG, the things we do...
I love this. So glad that we can look back and laugh at our deluded selves.
DeleteWe've been married 27 years. A few years after we were married, I suspected my husband's wandering eye (and was right, but didn't find out for sure until 18 months ago). At that time I did all I could to pull him back to me, including all the most crazy things in bed. He never "wanted" for anything during our marriage--I can assure you! Just like the song, I tried to be (and WAS) "every woman." I twisted myself into a pretzel (literally) in order to keep him satisfied.
ReplyDeleteFast forward 27 years later and I find not only did he have one affair during our marriage, but he had two--the second which lasted five years. He confessed to me that neither OW was anywhere near as "fun" in bed as I. He said that as he scratched his head in wonder as to why it ever happened at all. That just goes to show you it TRULY has NOTHING to do with you. He continues to remind me of this every time he sees me cry.
So, when the truth finally came out after all these years, I took the opposite approach. This time I protected myself. This time I respected myself. This time I withdrew my affections until I felt comfortable enough to proceed....ON MY TERMS. I will never again do anything that doesn't feel good to me. I will never again twist myself into anyone or anything that doesn't feel authentically me. I am finally comfortable in my own skin and I finally love myself enough to stand up for me and my own sensibilities. And he is finally in a place to respect me for the woman I am; the sex goddess that I am; and the loving wife that I am and always have been. He is finally in a place where he appreciates me for who I am--not what I can do for him. It's a relief.
Oh my goodness, Merliee -- YES! "He is finally in a place where he appreciates me for who I am--not what I can do for him. It's a relief."
DeleteWe could all take a page from your book and make sure that the days of twisting ourselves, literally and figuratively, to please someone else are long behind us.
My goodness on the boot shorts! I have them in all colors! Even bought hooker heels for dress up time! How ever I did these things before I knew about her and I have always played the show them to me out the window when he cleaned out the gutters at the lake house! It's secluded so I knew no one could see! It was our little secret and seemed to make him happy! Now he's the one chasing me around the house and it feels better! Oh and I bought makeup which I'm allergic to and only wore it once or twice as it made my eyes swell more than my tears did! Lol he told me I don't need to paint up to make him desire me. Words just words! Funny how easy it is for him to get my attention!
ReplyDeleteI have one word with regards to Brazilian.
ReplyDeleteYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW. I hate getting my eyebrows waxed.
No freaking way, NO WAY she could have him if I'd have had to do that. I swear I'd have joined a convent first!!!
LOL, Trying! I will admit it was a little uncomfortable. I think the fear of ever doing it completely over again has forced me to maintain it. Ha ha!
DeleteFor me I think I had been unsure why there was a distance between us before d day. It never mattered what I did. I tried talking with him and everything for years always work excuses etc. but now I know why. He said I could have been the most amazing hottest model etc and he still would have done it. He ultimately was curious since we had gotten married young and had been together for 15 years when the first of two affairs started. He carried on with two women sporadically for years. Sometimes he would go a year without contact. All so odd to me but at least I feel like neither of them was special either.
ReplyDeleteI told him early on I am not going to compete with other women. I cannot be every waitress, bartender, office worker, porn fantasy, online chat woman etc. all I can be is me. I am a good person who has a lot to offer so no changes for me! He needs to make the changes!
Hopeful, that's such a smart attitude. We can't compete and trying to is humiliating and useless.
DeleteHopeful 30 and others, nail on the head! It was never ever about us. Even Pre and post A Mr H told me I was the wildest ever and it remains true to this day.
ReplyDeleteWe all crack me up with our stories. I love us. The ladies in us and the inner vixen in us. And we're all so damn fun and funny. What the hell again, I ask, were they THINKING!!
Amen to that!
DeleteI have to say that letting that inner vixen out has kind of freed me in some ways. It feels good to just let go of the super conservative and reserved image I thought I needed to maintain. Maybe not the best way to get to it, but here I am nonetheless. ;-)
DeleteAbsolutely right, Steam! What WERE they thinking? We are hilarious, awesome, AND smokin'!
DeleteMakes me feel somewhat better that almost all try the same things to keep our husband's in our bed! 38 years 2 long term affairs that I know of..tells the women he is leaving me for them....while he never has plans to leave. He is respected in our community.....but his new girlfriend claims the whole town knows about them....wow she sounded proud!
ReplyDeleteI am a very young looking 60 keep myself in shape, stylish so why? We have sex. I do all the dressing like a whore. Feeling like a whore. Only reason I stay is because I make so much more money than him and I am not giving half to him and his newest bimbo. He has a huge sex addiction problem...I am sure. Won't go to counseling. Latest affair feels she needs to call me all the time to tell me I am pathetic.
No self esteem
How do I take care of myself so I don't lose myself?
I already fear I am lost after so lo g.
Anonymous,
DeletePlease don't talk to these women. Block their calls, change your number...but do something to ensure that you're not subjected to this harassment and abuse. There's something wrong with anyone who feels the need to inflict pain on an innocent person.
And please go to a lawyer. I think you can't put a price tag on your integrity and your future. Without him and his clown show, imagine the peace you could have in your life. Surely the cost of staying with him is too high.
Anonymous,
DeleteMy heart goes out to you in every way. I am sending you the love and hugs you deserve. I agree with Elle. Please see an attorney and make a plan of action. No amount of money is worth giving up your self respect and dignity.
Most of all, be kind and loving to yourself and respect yourself as a woman and as a human being. All of the decisions you make in sex and otherwise should be decisions that will benefit you, not suffocate your spirit. You are worthy just as you are, without being or doing anything different.
Please do not speak to anyone who doesn't truly love and value you in every way. You need support. Block the numbers of those who call to drag you down--especially the OW.
You made a statement about your husband being respected in the community, yet the OW claims the whole town knows about his affair. If that is the case, I feel certain his reputation is going down the tubes as we speak. In any case, the only opinion that truly matters is yours. Do you love and respect this man? Is he worthy of being in the same room with you, much less enjoying sex with you? If the answer is no, then you need to be your own best friend and care for yourself in every way.
Good luck to you! I'm with you in spirit.
Thanks all..I could go on about the OW. But my problem is my self esteem....I know I am a good person...but you always feel the humiliation.
DeleteYou are so right about letting her abuse me with her words. Seeing a lawyer is a must I know. I told him next time one of his bimbos call me I AM divorcing him. Kind of preparing for that but so scared. Also afraid that my 35 year old son will hate has father. How do adult children handle this?
My parent divorced when I was 21, and I can tell you, it sucks for the kids at any age. BUT...my parents and I have all recovered well, and I would never have wanted either of them to be miserable or sacrifice their self-esteem. My advice: Always speak respectfully of his father to his face. Never make him your confidante- have a friend for that. Never put him in the middle. And... be patient with him. He may go through an angry and/or grieving phase. Let him work through it and tell him you love him.
DeleteI wish I had a funny pick me moment, but the most humiliating one is the night of dday - lying in bed sobbing "pick me, choose me" over and over again to him. How I wish I could go back and see what he would have done on his own.
ReplyDeleteKarri,
DeleteYou were just more direct than the rest of us. And I don't in fact think there's anything humiliating about expressing your deepest pain and your deepest wish. Vulnerability requires incredible courage, especially in the wake of betrayal and apparent rejection.
Karri
DeleteYes what Elle said. You were just more direct. But I did the same. I cried heaving tears and chest begging him not to leave as he was packing his suitcase. It was awful. Hugs to you.
It's not just you. One of the first things I said when he told me, "I did the worst thing I could ever have done to you," was, "Please don't leave me!" You're not the only one who has felt shame over that. I had an abusive childhood, and abandonment has always been a huge issue for me. My husband said he admires my courage that I didn't immediately kick him out of the house. He said he actually respects me more, not less, that I was willing to give him a second chance when he knows he does not deserve it.
DeleteKarri,
ReplyDeleteDuring my husband's second affair, which lasted five years, he came to me and said he wanted a divorce. I was battling lupus at the time and in very bad health. I began to sob immediately and begged him not to leave me. I was reduced to a pitiful, frightened soul. I will never forget that moment--it still hurts to think about it.
As Rose said above, I now look back on myself in that moment and wish I could hug my shattered self. I was so in need of support, kindness and love. I felt so utterly alone. At the time he asked me for a divorce, I was not aware that my husband was in the midst of an affair, although I had strong suspicions. It took time to process things, but when I did, I picked myself up and decided to take care of me first. As I look back, I did everything right, except forgive myself for "not being enough."
Still to this day, I am forgiving myself. Forgiveness for not knowing; forgiveness for suspecting but not being able to verify; forgiveness for getting sick with lupus, etc. One thing to keep in mind: forgiveness is fluid. It is something we do sometimes daily. It is something we remind ourselves of when those voices sneak back in that tell us we're not enough. Some days are better than others. Some days we are self-assured and have the confidence to tackle the world; yet other days we shrink in sorrow. I'm convinced that this is the natural ebb and flow of life. It's a growth experience that never stops. If we continue to love ourselves through it all, then we're on the right track.
Yes, Merilee, that's true. And something I often forget. Forgiveness is fluid. It's not a destination, it's an action. A conscious choice we make over and over.
Delete"Forgiveness is fluid."
DeleteThank you Merilee, I needed to hear that. This is why we can't just forgive once and be "over it". It's something we have to do every time the pain and anger comes back. I've been explaining this to my husband. When I'm upset and crying again, he says, "You haven't forgiven me yet. That's okay, when you're ready." But I have forgiven him, but it's a process, one that I have to keep choosing to do. But it is slowly getting easier than it used to be.
Ohhh how I adore this site!!! So my lowest was just engaging with the ow- she's crazy and stooping to her level did me no good. My way to "keep" my husband was to get rid of her by exposing her. i didn't like the person I was becoming and now that I have allowed myself to see how sad and pathetic she is and how l am more of a woman than she can ever even hope to be I am doing so much better.
ReplyDeleteIf my husband was ever foolish enough to say that he was choosing such a vile woman over me- I would have said you deserve her. In the onset of discovering the affair I told myself I deserved better. I always put everyone before me. I was willing to spoil others but thought I needed to earn or delay treating myself well- when I lose the last few pounds, when the kids are older, etc. So I spoilled myself- new clothes, new underwear. Sephora make up instead of the cheapest thing at the drug store.
I had a boudoir photo shoot scheduled prior to D day- it was going to be a birthday gift for the husband- I ended up doing it anyway for myself and it was amazing. Getting my hair and make up done - seeing pictures of myself reminded me of what a knock out I was- I had definitely fallen into a mommy frump and hadn't been making myself a priority.
My husband was staying with his parents at the time but we were trying to work it out, so I made sure I met him after the shoot- he thought the gussying myself up was for him and that I thought I needed to compete with the ow. Oh the joy in telling him "uh, not at all !!! "
I told him that while he was only thinking about himself. I had planned the photoshoot as a gift for him but that I ended up keeping it as a gift to myself now. And at the time he didn't know if he'd even get to see the images- it was great!
The divorce diet, new stuff, and photoshoot went far in boosting my self image, which I certainly needed. But what's important is to remember that I deserve to make time to exercise, eat well, spend time with friends, journal, read etc. I found joy in my faith in God and learning that i needed to find value in myself regardless of wether others valued me or not.
I know at easy to look back and shake our heads at some of our low points but even at our lowest at least we can say our motives were good- we were trying to save our marriages and keep our husbands. Our husbands and the ow can never say that- they behaved in awful, humiliating ways and the only ones they were thinking of were themselves.
Kudos to you Lea. Self-care is crucial and yet, when we have children, it's often the first thing to go.
DeleteMarilee, I'm so glad you are back ... I've missed your posts. You are still with your husband, right? Please tell us how your husband came back around? I know I cannot control my husband... and I know I cannot go on forever with him vascilating between wanting our marriage or not. Although he says he loves me - truly it is only after I say it and it just doesn't feel the same. We are rarely fighting ... I'm not sure if you saw my most recent post where he wanted a divorce, but the next day admitted that he was confused ... and we went to counseling. He simply wants to get away from everything... and when asked what is he looking for ... he doesn't know!
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
DeletePart 1
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. I have been here reading. I just don't always comment.
Yes, my husband and I are still together. It hasn't been easy, though. Since D-Day he has said he wants to stay together, but when it comes to doing his part to work on our marriage and on himself, it's another story. He is a salesman so he knows just what to say and when to say it, but his follow through leaves a lot to be desired. I have really struggled with this and sometimes find I’m watching him like a hawk to see if he really means what he says. Actions speak louder than words, right? It has been challenging to say the least. As it turns out, it’s far more complicated that meets the eye.
I have been keeping up with you and I'm really sorry you are going through this with your husband. I’m sure your roller coaster ride is taking a tremendous toll on you. It really does sound like your husband wants to run away rather than face his problems head on. I don’t think that means he doesn’t love you, though, and I also don’t think he’s alone in his reaction. It seems like a lot of men mislead themselves into thinking they are not "in love" anymore when, in actuality, they are unable to face their marital problems. I don't think they have any idea where to begin, so their first inclination is to bolt. Join the club, right?
My husband told me that he felt so guilty and ashamed, it kept him from being able to be close to me for years before he finally confessed. He said he felt he didn't deserve to be with me. I suppose if I put myself in his place, I'd probably feel the same way. Not only that, when it comes down to putting in the work to create a good marriage, it's almost too overwhelming even for me. If I had to carry the burden of infidelity, knowing that I'm the one who caused this mess in the first place, I might want to run, too. It's almost easier to start over again with someone new--for me and for him. In fact, I have actually told him that I think I could more readily trust someone with whom I have no history at all, than to trust him after the devastating things he's done. How sad is that? However, even though it has been really hard for both of us, I am still here, he is still here, and we're still trying to save the life we've been building together for the last 27 years.
It has been 18 months since D-Day and so many things have come to light. Things about me have resurfaced that I thought I had long since healed from. Things about him have surfaced that he had no idea even existed. The more we come together, the more things we uncover to work on. Sometimes we can discuss things and sometimes he shuts down. I never really know what to expect and I think he feels the same.
Part 2
DeleteIt turns out that my husband has ADHD. He has begun taking medication for it and that has helped quite a bit, especially in our ability to have quality conversations. However, now our focus and research have turned from infidelity recovery to ADHD and its effects on relationships and marriage. Turns out this is far more complicated than I ever anticipated (not that I anticipated this at all). It’s overwhelming to say the least. I have realized that so many marital issues have been a direct result of ADHD, from his inability to participate in conversations to his impulsive behaviors and everything in between. There are issues with time and short term memory, which answer so many questions I have had about trickle truth, lies, and his inability to get the timeline straight. What I thought were bold-faced lies may not have been lies at all, but issues with memory. In the end, I suspect it’s a little of both. Whatever the case, it’s enough to leave your head spinning and make you question all reality.
The one good thing about this is that I have lupus and I understand what it is to live with something that limits you. I wasn’t diagnosed until ten years into our marriage. He and I have both had to learn to live with the effects it has had on our marriage. So it makes empathy and forgiveness a little easier for me when it comes to his ADHD and what it has done to us and our marriage.
The bottom line is that ADHD nor lupus are the culprits when it comes to our damaged marriage. I asked him whether or not he feels he is accountable for his actions, and his resounding response was “Yes, absolutely”. So it’s not that ADHD is the problem. The problem lies in knowing you have issues dealing with things like impulsiveness and not doing anything about them. There are plenty of ways to help yourself (and that goes for any of us with any of our problems), whether it be medication, behavior modification, making notes to yourself, etc. We need to be honest with ourselves in order to identify our issues. Then finding and implementing good solutions that become a part of us and our daily lives. That is what I have done in order to find ways to live an active, healthy life with lupus. This is what he’s tackling and addressing at this moment in time.
So where does this leave us? Living day-to-day, accepting one another with all of our shortcomings, and loving each other through it all. For my husband, this has been a shift in his way of thinking. I think many men love selfishly. They love us for what we can DO for THEM. He has suddenly discovered what it is to love me for WHO I AM and not what I can do for him. He said this was his life changing moment—when he discovered what it is to truly love and be loved--no strings attached.
I actually have two low moments- like Karri I did an actual "pick me."
ReplyDeleteWe were having a conversation about his (10 year) EA. He was explaining to me that he just wanted to help his affair partner- she needed help, so many things were going wrong for her. She had no money, he was worried about her kids, he wanted her to have "nice things" and so he shopped for her at THAT store in every mall except the one his parents lived near. This was when my dad was dying, during his funeral, and when I was undergoing surgery and was incapacitated for a LONG time. He said it made him feel useful. I said, "If you needed to help someone to feel useful, why didn't you help me? I needed you so much then, and you didn't even notice me. Why didn't you buy ME nice things (but let me clarify- not THAT stuff)? Why didn't you pick me to help?" "I don't know." And I still don't know.
That, I think, was the lowest point for me. To know I didn't even register with the guy I thought loved me. No wonder I felt like I was so alone. That was a big clue and I missed it.
My second low point was the first time I realized he was involved with someone- before D-Day. I'd been downstairs with our dog who was restless that night- came upstairs at 5:30 am and there he was with his phone on in our bed. He was so startled he dropped it, kept denying there was any kind of light on- even later in the day "I don't know what you saw, but there was no light." That was the day I started crying, started wondering if I had enough money- what would I take with me? Where would I go? Would I have to be a greeter at Wal-Mart? Would I ask him for support? (No way in hell was the answer.) What would the kids say- especially the one who had just gone through his own awful divorce? Our parents? How was I going to survive? Will anyone even believe me? I had to find proof, obviously, or he'd never tell me the truth and I'd be "imagining things." That was an awful couple of days until I found the proof I needed to confront him. Awful. Actually, maybe THAT was the lowest point.
C.
C,
DeleteThe thing with bottom is that there's nowhere to go but up. You've been through the wringer. Not sure what things are like now but I suspect there's better, even marginally.
As for your husband's inability to register your need rather than his "friend's" -- I hear it over and over again. These guys picture themselves as these white knights, "helping" these women who are usually just screwed up. We capable women, who nonetheless have needs too, just don't trigger their white knight desires. It's not healthy on their part, of course, to need to "rescue" people. But it's surprisingly common.
Like everyone else here- there were some very low days. But things are much better for me. We're just over a year out. I get why it takes 2-5 years to recover when I recycle old (stupid) stuff. I'm so much better...I'm surprised sometimes. Deep down, I know that whole part of his life was not about me. It WAS about him being that white knight.
DeleteAnd yes, Elle, she was screwed up- she was a little girl who could not do anything for herself (balancing a checkbook, paying bills, buying a new car- you name it- I'm not kidding- he taught her to do those things and kept an eye on her finances!!). She needed a substitute husband- and somehow they both decided he was it. (The creepy part is the sexual undertones to that maiden in distress scenario.)
I also think that he was in such an affair fog that it took him a few months to actually see the damage that had been done and now he's a mess...he is NOT better. So while I will not forget how low I was at one point (or two), he's still dealing with those low days. Part of my healing is trying to figure out how to help him heal. I survived this, I'm not sure he has.
C.
Kerri - I understand what you were feeling. I said a lot on d day. I telling my husband in a pleading way I wanted him to stay. I remember him saying he was not "in love" with me and did not know what was going to happen with us. I was shocked and had a hard time of course being lied to for so long. His open affair was over the other it was sporadic email contact but fizzling out. But he had convinced himself that I would not stay and that he had done irreparable damage. So I think he was relived that I was so intense about us wanting to stay together. Since then I have emphasized I only want him here if he wants to be for us not any other reason kids, finances etc.
ReplyDeleteSaying all of that Marilee I agree with you about forgiveness is fluid. I still have not spoken of forgiveness since d day # 2. But minute to minute day to day it does ebb and flow as you say. Sometimes I am like I get it I understand him we can do this we are in this together. Then I think what am I doing here and who did I live with for 10 years a stranger. It runs such a spectrum. I keep telling myself I need to be kind to myself and forgive myself for everything I am so hard on myself about. I have read a lot of Esther perel lately and I do feel like people can divorce too easily and staying is shameful. I know I want to try everything to make it work. I will be heard and have high expectations this time though. And I agree with her when she says many of us will have several marriages will it be with the same person or someone new? I choose forgiveness and looking for the best in my life.
I'm with you, Hopeful. Forgiveness ebbs and flows for both myself and for my husband. As I begin to feel a little more safe within myself, my ability to forgive seems to grow. However, it regresses just a little when I am feeling low. I think this is normal. I believe it may be an indication of growth and setbacks, and maybe even a way to measure my own progress. But whatever I may be feeling, measuring myself is never a means by which I beat myself up for not feeling something I think I "should or shouldn't" be feeling. I try not to judge myself in that way. There is no right or wrong--it's just a feeling, after all.
DeleteThrough this process, I am also careful not to measure myself against anyone else's progress, telling myself I'm taking too long to heal or not feeling the "right" things. We all have to navigate this thing in our own way. We all share commonalities, but each experience is also unique. I know that everything I am experiencing is okay. It is all unfolding in the perfecting timing for me and I am coming to terms with things in my own time.
This entire experience is a process and seems to have a series of "steps" (for lack of a better word) that we each need to take in order to move forward. Taking our time in each "phase" of this process is key, I think. We need to experience all we can to gain the most from each phase before taking the next step. I don't know if this analogy makes sense for anyone else, but this is how I've come to see things. It has helped me to gain a more solid footing as I navigate through the pain.
One of the things I seem to be carrying with me as I move forward is exactly what you mentioned--sometimes I "get it" and understand him and think to myself, "We can do this!", while other times I think, "What the hell am I doing here?? How can I continue in this marriage and hold on to my own self respect at the same time?" That's a tough one for me and I don't have the answers. What I decided NOT to do is make any snap decisions. Elle suggested to me early on not to make any decisions right away. She advised me to take my time. I have taken that advice to heart and held on to it as tight as I can. I keep reminding myself that there is no deadline for making any decisions. I need to allow myself to go through the process, feel everything and grow from the experience. When it's time to make a decision, I will trust my instincts and listen to my gut. And it's possible that I may not ever come to a place where I need to make a decision one way or the other. Perhaps things will just unfold in the direction I need to go if I trust myself and pay attention to my own needs along the way. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess.
My therapist calls it "recycling" when I circle back and feel as though I'm regressing. Her thinking is that we sometimes do have setbacks and that gives us a second (or a third or a fourth...) change to revisit a particular issue or feeling or need and then move forward again, armed with a bit more insight than the last time.
DeleteOh my goodness....these posts made me smile. I have been on this site now for almost 2 1/2 years, never quite ready to share my story. My story is not unlike all the other hurt women on this site. I will share details one of these days, but for now am writing to thank you all for the smile and the words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you posted. I wonder how many women visit this site and soak it up, but never make themselves known.
DeleteI hope you will share your story. We all learn so much from each other.
I think the first 12.5 years of my marriage were a "pick me". I basically begged him all the time. I bought sexy lingerie, dressed up with garters and heels, offered to do anything he wanted, tried to give him oral when he couldn't get it up (which was all the time since porn addiction stole his sex drive away from me). I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I sent him to get medical tests. I even asked him to get Viagra, anything. When that didn't work, I raged and screamed and threw things and warned him I was starting to get tempted to cheat on him (I didn't go through with it, but the thought was there) if he wouldn't have sex with me. I denied myself dessert to make sure I stayed slim. Even while he was letting himself go...I was worried my body wasn't good enough for him. I got a brazillian, (never again!), flashed him to try and interest him, jumped him in the shower, you name it. I read ever Cosmo I could get my hands on and tried just about everything in them.
ReplyDeleteI'm embarrassed by it all when I think about it. One advice was to stop bugging him for sex. So I did, left it up to him to initiate sex. He didn't even notice! This was maybe a week or two before D-day. Now I know why.
Hopeful, where do you read Esther Perel? From her website?
ReplyDeleteWait Gee, you're not done :) You endured and did that for 12.5 years? If there were ever an excuse that a cheater could use to cheat you had one girl. Just goes to show you all the excuses are just that excuses.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'd like to know are you still with him?
Agree on the Brazilian ouchhhhh.
The unfairness of it has been the hardest thing for me to get over. I told him, after all you put me through with starving me sexually, YOU cheat on ME??? Of the two of us, it would have made way more sense if I had been the one to cheat.
DeleteWe are still together and working it out. It's been 15 months since D-day. He's been like a different person since then. Now that he's quit porn cold turkey, I'm finally getting all this sexual urges. It's been great, but I just feel like why did it take this for us to finally have the sex life I've always craved? We could have had this years ago, sometimes I feel like I could just thump him one for it. Hysterical bonding really through me for a loop, because there were times I felt like I was rewarding him for cheating on me with amazing, constant sex, but withholding it would have just been punishing myself. (He's told me he had the same thought, that it's unfair he did this horrible thing and then we starting having the sex life we could have had all along).
So far, he's done everything "right" since D-day in what it takes to work this out. Whatever I've asked him to do, he's done it. Full accountability / transparency, no excuses, talking about it whenever I need to, marital and individual counselling, you name it. Not that it's been easy, of course, but it's made me feel like I've made the right choice to give him another chance. He says he wants to be the man that I thought I was marrying, the man he wanted to be, the man he promised to be.
Wow Gee. You've come a long way. Glad he's finally smartened up. Addiction of any kind really robs us of the actual person.
DeleteYep! You nailed it again! Elle I am amazed at how you make us see our selves!
DeleteNot so sure I'm helping you see yourselves as simply holding up a mirror to my own nutty self! :)
DeleteTogether we hold each other up! I am grateful!
DeleteThe thing was, every time I got so fed up I decided I was going to give him an ultimatum, he would manage to quit porn temporarily, and then we'd have amazing sex for a few days. It was just enough to give me hope that this time, it would be different. Blech. I've told him for than once I feel like he was just toying with me this whole time, playing me like a yo-yo. I came from an extremely abusive home, I think that was why I put up with it for so long. I honestly felt like I didn't deserve any better. :( I know better than that now. I matter, damnit! It's ironic that it took my life being destroyed by his infidelity for me to finally realize that I do have worth. Although it took a long time coming to that realization, I think I spent the first 9 months or so feeling more worthless than ever. But I am healing, and I don't feel that way anymore.
ReplyDeleteBuying hooker lingerie - check.
ReplyDeleteSex toys - check
Porn Video's - check
Investigating anal sex - check
19-months of individual and couples therapy - check
Understanding he is an emotional invalid - check
Grasping his borderline narcissistic personality - check
Refusing to be the target of his sarcasm and passive/aggressive behavior - check.
Stating because she provided anal sex he could fuck off and never ever ask me that again - check
Learning to communicate - check
Setting boundaries - check
Accepting the apology I never received in order to move forward - check
Looking forward to the next chapter of my life - check
Wow Anonymous, that's one hell of a list. I'm curious about your next chapter too. I suspect it's going to be a good one.
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