My 15-year-old son has a girlfriend (I know, I know. He's far too young. A baby!). He's smitten. They recently celebrated their one-month anniversary. A week later he visited the cottage of another friend. A girl. A visit that was planned months ago with this good friend.
Cue the drama: His girlfriend became convinced that "something" would happen between my son and his friend. And so she flirted with some guy over text, something my son only knows because a friend of his girlfriend sent him screen shots of the offending texts. My son plans to ask his girlfriend for the "truth" and if she lies to his face then he'll "have to decide what to do next."
It's not easy for me to back off and let my people in my life figure things out on their own though I try mightily. And so I asked my son some questions: What, to him, constitutes "cheating"? How important is honesty in any relationship? Where does he draw the line in what he will and will not tolerate in a relationship? How much is enough?
It's a question we all need to examine for ourselves. For some of us, putting up with someone's shit is a far easier life to imagine than being left or walking away. Far more tempting to tolerate an unhealthy relationship than none at all.
But we don't usually see it in those stark terms. We don't usually realize the fear beneath these choices that don't really feel like choices. We don't see that, by refusing to take a stand about what we will and won't tolerate, we're betraying ourselves. We think we're avoiding pain. But really, we're absorbing it.
How much is enough?
"Enough" for me is the refusal of a partner to take responsibility for his choices and a refusal to do the work necessary to help us heal.
"Enough" for you might be his choice to cheat in the first place. "Enough" might be his choice to gamble away the mortgage. It might be his dedication to porn. "Enough" might be the first time he hits you. "Enough" might be the 87th time.
"Enough" is that place we come to where we realize that our own integrity is worth the price of heartbreak. It's where we take responsibility for our own choices and insist that others take responsibility for theirs. Enough is where we realize that standing firm in our own convictions won't be the easy thing but it will always be the right thing. Enough is freedom.
As for my son: I hope that he won't betray himself by moving the line between what he will and won't tolerate in order to avoid heartbreak. In any case, if this goes on much longer, I promise you I will have had more than enough. ;)
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Hi Elle
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky to have not had to deal with my teenagers having boyfriend/girlfriends....yet. They're too busy with school and sport for the time being...thank god!
I grew up with a mom who never discussed relationships with me, so had to wing it on my own. Did I make bad choices? Yes plenty.
Bad choices was something I did not want my children to experience and I, and now especially since my husbands betrayal, have felt the need to impart my "wisdom" to my children.
I've always had a great open relationship with my kids, and discussed things as are age appropriate, and it's funny you should bring this up Elle, as just last week I had a discussion with my eldest on what they want from a relationship, what they wont tolerate etc. Great to see she has strong morals and I could see it got her thinking a bit about how she wants a relationship to work.
You always want better for your kids than what you had, and I don't want them to ever have to deal with betrayal, but at the same time, whilst young and not serious, as much as it hurts, sometimes I think they may need their hearts broken, just a bit (not through betrayal though) so they learn how to get over, how to deal with it and move on..and learn how to talk and communicate throughout the process. Maybe that's a bit harsh, but I'm just talking young love, as I'm having a hard time deciding what to do, and this is "old love". Still finding it hard to decide, probably more so, as I still have young children and other factors.
Sam A. I asked my husband to leave because I found he was still in contact with the OW. He went scrambling for ways to stay. He's still around making an effort, putting his ring back on, not contacting the whore on his phone etc...so you're right. I got some control back, but... I'm just not really feeling much.
My feelings have gone from being totally scared and wanting, doing anything for our marriage to survive,for us to survive, but now at this moment (it could change next week!!!LOL) I find I don't really feel much towards him and am now just going about the motions of being married.
I suppose I'll have a hard time trusting him again after the constant lies, and who knows, he could get a 2nd phone, which he has had previously, and begin his old ways again.
We are going out for dinner just the two of us this weekend. Even now I'm dreading what will we talk about? How will the night go? Because there's still many questions he's yet to answer and I'm not really in the mood to be with someone who is avoiding the obvious. He said he will answer my questions in time, and he knows I'm not going to wait forever, and he knows I'm pissed off with how he gave the whore time, and can't give me time.
So ladies. How have your feelings been? Did you/are you at a point where now you feel you are getting to the "no feeling, I don't care stage?" and if so, did you find that spark that you once have return? My feelings are still all over the place, but sadly it seems at the moment, each day I'm losing interest in him as the betrayal seems to sicken me more as the days go by. I thought 9 months out I'd have more definite feelings.
Love and hugs to you all
Gabby xo
Gabby
DeleteNine months. Looking back my emotions were scrambled every other day. For me it depended on my h. Because we were harassed by cow for six months following dday, it was difficult to take care of my basic needs. Factor in that my sister suddenly passed away less than a month before that, I probably should have been locked in a padded room. However, instead I found this blog and discovered that I was not crazy but pretty much having the same feelings as most of the ladies that have found themselves here. The one thing I could not believe in those first raw months, was that it would never stop hurting so bad. Slowly over the past two years since dday, my h and I have begun the rebuilding of what he almost destroyed. I can't explain how the rage would just bubble out of me! I'm not very proud of those times, however, just this week I checked out a websight that gave me a greater understanding of my need to really make my h see and feel the dept of pain he caused. In the first year, h was wading through his own guilt, pain, and learning how difficult it was going to be. But we are learning new ways to communicate and we agree we are better together. No it's not easy but when something is worth having such as a better relationship, it takes both partners to face some really hard challenges and learn from scratch how to be a better partner. Oh and time... It takes a lot of time! Hugs!
Gabby,
DeleteI think the "meh" stage is one that a lot of us go through. But I suspect with you, there's more to it than that. I think that his unwillingness to answer your questions is a big part of it. He's been given the chance to win you back, to show you that he's changed and his response is to ask for time? Time for what?
It's hard enough to rebuild a marriage after betrayal with a spouse dedicated to it...but it's damn near impossible when the cheating spouse is making demands on the betrayed partner.
Are you two in any sort of counselling? What have you said re. his request for time?
Gabby--I am 17 months from D-Day. The Man in My Life (who since D-Day I will NOT call my H until or if ever we renew vows), has worked hard at being a new person. Sometimes he has fucked up royally, more often than not an observer would say he is busting his ass. I am fearful I have entered what Elle refers to as the lethal plain of flatness...I literally feel devoid of feeling. Did anger cauterize my emotion? Did trauma turn me into an emotional zombie? I'm afraid that I have permitted myself to linger in this stage so long I may be a citizen of nothingness. A nurse in my support group is encouraging me to take anti-depressants and I cannot even formulate an opinion on that. Please, each one of you who may be in this place, drag the numb parts out into the light. Ask for help, demand things of yourself. I'm to the point now I would choose the pain of early days as opposed to this nimbus of nothing.
DeleteI also wanted to comment on this: "Where does he draw the line in what he will and will not tolerate in a relationship? How much is enough?"
ReplyDeleteI recently realized that I was never taught this in my home. I was never taught this by my mother. She has fuzzy boundaries. She tolerated so much from my father who was not an abuser or cheater but someone whose anxiety disorder and other psychological issues made him controlling, paranoid, OCD, and completely irrational. I always wanted them to divorce. And it wasn't as if she made a conscious decision about what she was willing to put up with or not. She just kept coping by complaining about him, suppressing her pain, being unhappy, feeling sorry for herself, and building up and acting out resentment. She also could never draw solid lines on abusive or addicted members of her family or even people who abused her own children. I never realized that drawing a line was a "thing" I could do, and that it was okay and normal. Even now, when I draw lines with my father's tantrums and demands, one of my sisters accuse me of being mean or not loving my father. When I draw lines around my emotionally unstable sister's behavior, what I will not accommodate, and what I will, I am accused of not loving her. But I now know that I am at my best when I am doing things for the right reasons and saying "no" when it will cost me too much of my own integrity. I am constantly paying attention to what I am willing to put myself through and what I am not. Knowing that I can do that despite feeling discomfort, facing accusations, or just not being not liked: Priceless.
MBS,
DeleteI know that you can see your family's "accusations" as exactly what they are: countermoves intended to get you to back down because you're threatening the status quo. You're rocking the boat. And whether they realize it or not, you're forcing them to do some reckoning with their own behaviour, which is making them supremely uncomfortable. Better to blame you than look in the mirror.
But you're doing so great. I'm so thrilled for you. I had a mom who, before she descended into the bottom of a vodka bottle, was a force. She had the clearest damn boundaries of anyone I've ever known. She had this way of saying 'no' in the most gracious way possible. Unfortunately, my way of coping with the chaos of her alcoholism (which started when I was 9) was to become the uber-responsible, efficient, mini-adult, taking care of everyone but myself. It's intoxicating to feel so powerful when you're that age. But it wasn't power. It was dysfunction.
Learning to draw those lines is still something I struggle with. And I hope I've taught my children. It has been interesting to see that even though they've grown up in a stable home with sober and very present parents, my eldest two are just...helpers. They're drawn to people who are struggling and are really non-judgemental and compassionate people. That's the good side. The down side is that these friendships often become unhealthy and my kids end up hurt. I'm hoping that my steady reminders about boundaries, about respecting themselves, are landing somewhere in their brains.
It is so important to learn that how we respond now to the situations we are in as adults--especially with infidelity, and with our children-- that we are often recreating things from our childhood. And maybe recognizing that helps you to have a better, more useful response now.
DeleteI did alot of the shutting down of my inner voice because there were so many people in my family with big emotional needs. Being the 5th youngest of the entire family, I never learned that my needs mattered that much so I hardly ever spoke up for them. I am a big helper/fixer of others--learning that I can also take care and listen to myself is new. I think that is why my H's countermoves and gaslighting was so powerful--my inner voice was screaming inside but my head/problem solver self kept trying to shut it down.
Luckily, my kids are kind and compassionate but very vocal about what they want--something I am greatful for, even when it is a pain in the a$$. I am going to bookmark what you wrote to share with my tween daughter the minute I see her starts to weaken her integrity in the face of intimate relationships.
MBS,
DeleteMy eldest, this past weekend, told a sorta kinda ex (he moved away but planned to return to our city in the fall) that she was done with his wishy-washy bullshit. He admitted that he "wasn't being a good person" to which she responded "yeah. I'm gonna go now." He requested a face-to-face meeting to talk things over. She didn't see the point. She knew everything she needed to know. So...yay for her.
Which is a way of saying, all we can do is keep modelling boundaries and reminding our kids that any relationship needs to be built on respect and honesty and integrity. Without that, you have nothing.
So much of our work is learning to hear that voice we've spent a lifetime silencing. And reminding our kids that they know what's right for them. And that it's always right to treat themselves with respect.
Great post. I struggle with the idea of when will I know it has been enough. I guess I will know if that time comes. I am not ready to walk away right now. But I feel more distance with time. I wonder if I can really trust and repair the damage that has been done. I think it is hard when after being together so long we slip back into patterns again. Not completely but a little bit at a time. Things are amazing compared to what they were yet something is missing. And I still have to bring things up if I want to talk. He avoids still. He will listen and not get defensive and will say he has been thinking about it. But I am tired. I am exhausted from this entire recovery process. I keep saying give it time he is here and making an effort.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the kids go I totally see things in a new light. We talk about relationships all the time. Boundaries all the time. How they see themselves. How they can make decisions. What to do in so many different scenarios. The fact that people close to them might not do the right thing or might let them down. We have listened to a lot of Brene Brown. Really working at them focusing on themselves. I am honestly glad this came out at this phase for me since my kids are just approaching the teen years. I hope our discussions will help prepare them. I know they will get hurt and go through challenging times, it is just reality and life. But I want them to be prepared in how to weather the challenges and also hopefully have an open dialog so they do not feel alone.
Hopeful30,
DeleteYes, I can take some comfort in the fact that what I've learned through this experience, I've passed along to my kids in the hopes that they won't learn quite the hard way that I had to learn. Brené Brown is brilliant.
Elle, this post is so spot on and insightful and exactly where I am at!! I have been really grappling with "enough" and coming to terms with how much is enough for me. I have spent a year absorbing a lot of pain and slowly facing the shear terror of my marriage not being repaired or healed.
ReplyDeleteThe insight I have come to and that expressed in this post is the following: My willingness to be wholehearted is worth the price of my broken heart.
Love and support sisters
Becky.
Becky
DeleteI know what you mean. I get enough. My enough came when my h was finally fed up with his ow threatening a confrontation on a weekend that our daughter surprised us with a visit with our grandsons. They came running into the house and I almost had a severe panick attack thinking it was her busting in our door. That was his'enough'! I'm so sorry you are going through a very rough patch! Hugs!
Yes, Becky.
DeleteBecky,
DeleteThat is what I try to achieve with this site -- to move each of us (including me!) to that place where our own integrity guides us. Where we can hear that still voice inside that knows what's right for us.
Becky, you sound like you are in or getting to a place that is good for you. Where you feel good about your choices, even if you don't live where you are. I was trying to explain to my h in NC thus week that I'm angry about being left holding the reality bag while he plays summer camp in his cabin. That just because I agreed to the separation, so we could do it constructively for our kids, that I wasn't "fine" with it. That it was just the least shitty of the shitty choices available. So while I am making the best of it, I have every right to be angry when I feel it. This week ive started to feel better, feel good about being on my own, sleeping, eating, spending time w friends and my kids. It helped to hear that he was not having such a great time, that the degree of his loneliness is more than he expected, but is also something he's realized he does to himself. So while I have built a great support network for myself (present company especially included) he has increasingly isolated himself. My feeling is good, he needs to be lonely, he needs to feel what he has put at risk. And half my brain, when I hear him say hrs got no one to talk to, is very lonely, believes that this relationship w the ow, wherever thatvis, just can't be doing that much for him. I'm trying not to lean too much into that sucker punch. He's been over to the house for various reasons, quite a bit for a gut who wanted the separation. So. I'm feeling pretty decent. Doing lots for myself. Remembering the young woman who drove herself and camped across the country on her own multiple times. I'm ready to be and am kicking ass again. I love reading how real everyone on her is, and I live giving and getting support and insight. Live you all!
DeleteElle,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for awhile. It has been a year since I was first told that he had feelings for another woman... another 4 months later, he let me know that it had turned into a full blown affair. We have been struggling to work on it for a year. Yes, we were in counselling while he was sleeping with her unbeknownst to me at the time. Your blogs lately mirror my feelings exactly and have been so appropriate. He moved out 7 weeks ago to work on himself, but the only thing he has done is run away from the issue. He doesn't have to face it this ay. He comes over every day and tells me he lives me, but then leaves and lives his life without having to face the guilt or pain. Just yesterday, I told him that he had some serious decisions to make because I was tired of waiting for someone who was willing to try harder and face the hurt that he caused. His leaving, though I was against it at first, has been a time for me to realize that I have strength. I have worth! I am a good woman and I was a good wife. Your blog is exactly how I feel. When is it enough? I feel my "enough" has come. I truly wanted this marriage to work, but at what cost? If he is not willing to give of himself and prove that I mean enough to him, then I am just hurting myself. Thank you for your wonderful insight!
Lori,
DeleteUnderstanding that his affair about is about HIS lack of integrity and not your lack of worth is HUGE.
And that's what will give you the clarity you need to move forward. If he's not gaining integrity, if he's not doing the work to really prove to you that he deserves a second chance, then he DOESN'T deserve a second chance. You don't owe him anything but honesty and decency. And that can include honestly telling him that you're moving on.
MEG
ReplyDeleteHi ladies! I'm so glad I found this blog!!! I identify with each and everyone of you! I will share my story soon. Just wanted to pop in and say THANK YOU to all of you for sharing your stories!!!!!
Meg,
DeleteGlad you found us. I hope you will share your story. We learn so much from each other here.
Enough has so many different meanings for us betrayed. Enough, alright already, last straw, sick and tired of it, fed up. Enough is also sufficient, adequate, satisfying, know the answers, know the score, too much, more or less to some degree. I had enough of him? Am I enough? Do I know enough? I suffered enough? Do I have enough money? My views, opinions and life was overshadowed by this word. It came at me in every direction.
ReplyDeleteI look over at him this morning, almost everyday and think; I had enough of him? Am I enough? Do I know enough? I suffered enough? His actions this last 31 months, shout yes to me. Enough stop it. My mind and heart still question "how could you do this?" Yes, I know all the reasons and there are plenty. My heart still can't make sense of it. I read that people make a decision before they know all the reasons. My husband decided to relieve himself with a psycho kindergarten teacher, as in piss on someone. I don't think about the "enough" question when it comes to her. She has a black hole in her that she is trying to fill with whatever she can. She said, "I wish I could find someone who loves me as much as your husband loves you." That is her black hole, she lives with the ultimate I wasn't good enough. I'm pretty mind fucked up but I'm not that fucked up. So I have dismissed her totally. He is the one who hurt me. She didn't really, I wasn't married to her, she wasn't my friend. She was available to be used. My husband used a handicapped woman on disability for Parkinson's. Yes, he was capable and knew she was disabled, my white knight filled out her disability papers.
I thought about cheating myself, my profession would have made it easy, powerful, attractive men, but I distinctly remember going through my mind, what if I bring home an STD, what if I get caught? (I could see the scene in my mind), I can't do that to him like the other women in his past. As the phone in my hotel room is ringing and there is a superman calling me. Why didn't he do that, he said he really didn't care at that point. Is that enough?
I know I have had enough and couldn't take anymore. I give him are you enough tests. We are building a dream cottage. Over budget. He said well we should take 50/50 out of our retirement savings. I said no, I think you should take it all out of your retirement. My mind says, he didn't have your back before. He passed the test and took it all out of his retirement not mine. Is that enough? Can he ever do enough to prove his love? I'm not sure if there will ever be a final exam so he graduates out of remorse university under my watchful eye. Am I fair enough? No, but neither was he. I wonder what it feels like to prove yourself worthy everyday? His hell, his choice. Enough already. I just try to say, Am I happy today? I waited to make my decision to stay or go, not knowing the reason. Still don't really. How can I accept someone who takes advantage, lies and is capable of hurting someone who they say they love? He admits he was an asshole our entire married life. He says he will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me everyday. Does he? Yes, he does everyday. Is that enough for me? No marriage is 100 percent affair proof. I don't know I just take each day as it comes, stay true to myself, only doing what I want to do not out of some obligation. I can't tell the difference if I'm happy because I found the real me or if it is because my marriage seems much more healthy. Some woman might say both but I'm not that sure. I just look at the day I'm in and say "you are going to have a great day today." And hope like hell it is enough.
LLP,
DeleteGod, I love how your brain/heart works. You have such an incredible way of analyzing. I do think it's both -- that you've revealed the real you and that your marriage is healthier. I would imagine that all of your relationships are deeper and richer because you're showing up wholly.
Elle,
DeleteYou are right again, I just never broke it down like that. I don't think you realize you are superwoman. Luv ya.
Lynn Less Pain--I am printing out your comment and I will carry it and re-read it until I free myself from my vacuum of ambivalence. Your post stirred something in my spirit and as I wrote in an earlier post I have been devoid of any feeling for months now. Thank you LLP, thank you Elle and thank you to all the Sisters of Anarchy here--it feels like you just keep saving my life.
DeleteOne-armed pie maker,
DeleteI know that horrible vacant landscape well, that devoid-of-all-feelings wasteland. I'm glad LLP's post stirred something. Try and sit with that feeling. See if you can read the post and then follow that stirring and see where it goes. I had to start cataloguing the little things that stirred me. Small bits of beauty in my world, until I could reawaken feeling.
Through talking with my husband recently I find what is hardest for me is I have always known what is enough for me personally and how to be true to myself. It is hard for me to understand how my husband did not have that ability. I honestly feel like as I sit here today I have the same internal feelings I did as a kindergartner and throughout my life. Of course I have grown up and learned throughout life but what makes me "me" is still the same. And I knew who I was then. I did not care if I was alone or only had one friend. And I grew up with few material possessions. My life was never defined by those things. Where I struggled was the people pleasing and if I did the right thing then wouldn't everyone else especially those close to me. And really for all of my life my family and closest friends were the same way and still are to this day. My husband by all outward appearances is this way plus a million times more confident and fulfilled than me and others in my life. But through all of this I have realized he had such huge insecurities and he was so unhappy it lead to this.
DeleteFor me I struggle with the idea of if I act a certain way then in some way others will and I have control over all aspects of my life. But that is not true as I have found out. I think that feeling of being let down is so hard. But now my husband is happier than ever. It is great, he is affectionate and kind in so many ways. I feel like this is what i wanted and deserved in a way for all those years. I feel some level of guilt though since I do not share his excitement and happiness. He says he totally understands. He said that he thought he had thrown away everything good in his life and this is his second chance a new lease on life and he could not be happier. He said he can see how my world was shattered and it will take time but he is not going anywhere. I keep saying I will give it time and I continue to think about what is my version of enough.
Hi ladies what an insight .. I've been away for a week with the kids .. I went to the place my h took his whore for a week .. Wasn't planned that way just decided last minute so me and my sister took the kids and went.. Had a lovely holiday kids enjoyed themselves and funnily enough I came away not disliking the place so much now I had made my own happy memories .. It pissed me of some of the places I went I know my h went with her but i was there with my children by my side so I was happy..
ReplyDeleteSo back to the subject of when enough is enough that's something I'm dealing with right now been separated around 3 months nothing much happening h not trying hArd to win me back and I'm not trying at all other than for the kids.. I have been thinking recently that this is what a marriage looks like when it's at the final hurdle.. Never been here before and it's scary to think this really could be it.. We've outgrown each other we are very different my h lives like a single man I'm a responsible mother of 2 (say no more) so for me this is my enough I'm at that place where nothing may sway my decision of being on my own.. I've made the initial step of separating so I'm one step closer.. I'm sorting my finances so I'm able to hold my own which is really important to me right now .. Things are looking up for me I'm in a good place as good as I can be considering and I count my blessings in life big and small .. Thanks Elle and everyone for offering up your support... Thinking of you all xxx
Hugs, Sam! I admire the strength you are showing. You are doing what's right for you, even if it's not easy.
DeleteSam A
DeleteI'm thinking of you too! Proud you are finding the strong woman that went into hiding for a while. Or at least that's what it felt like to me as I was first learning the whole truth of who my h was. I felt very small and weak and then I found me again and it feels so much better! One day at a time strong lady warrior! Hugs!
Sam A,
DeleteIt sounds as if you can see your own strength but, from the outside looking in, it's so clear. However this plays out, Sam A, there's little doubt that you are going to emerge just fine.
Thank you dandelion.. hugs right back to ya xxx
ReplyDeleteHey friends, Becky, Sam A, Steam anyone who is in or contemplating separation, I started posting on the new tab (thanks so much Elle!) if you'd be interested in joining me. Hope everyone is having a lovely day. The sun is shining over here and lots of people love me, including me. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteAnd us, SS. We love you too!
DeleteThankyou guys for your kind words, they go a long way.. Lots of love xxx
ReplyDeleteSS as soon as I get some spare minutes, I will join you, and Sam, you are stronger than HELL--if he wont FIGHT like hell to get you back, then WHAT the hell?
ReplyDeleteLLP-wow, like OAPM I'm going to read that a few more times, it's such an incredible essay on post betrayal. Just Wow. Hopeful--you are so right on about HIS insecurities, it's NEVER about us, and ALL about them. Teresa, thanks for the reminder of the strong woman inside of us--mine was LOST to me for quite a while until she was forced out of hiding, and damn if she isnt pretty MIGHTY!!! and Elle? what a place you have created. One million thank yous!
Glad to have you back steam : ) xx
ReplyDeleteI never ever leave. I've been plagued my work and maladies all month, can't always post but always read. I wil be so happy to see August end!!
DeleteI haven't been on for a while. It's been crazy this past year.
ReplyDeleteAs you all know, my daughter smoked pot laced with spice. I stayed since finding his porn habit in 2006. I think once the marriage is destroyed (he kept doing porn UNTIL I installed PB software but even then he finds ways to do it and I don't want to be the porn mommy). Then I think once Satan has destroyed he marriage, he starts in on our children.
My oldest, who is 19 has a SEVERE eating disorder and is still smoking pot and drinking. We had to evict her in April and then she moved in with a friend and worked for a while and then blew off a 2nd job in two years. My husband brought her home when I told him not to and he did this w/o even talking to me or the two younger children.
So after four days of this shit with her in the house, I told hubby I was separating and that he and my oldest could figure things out. So she's chosen to live homeless in Richmond, VA. I have to pray for her safety every day. I saw her on Sunday. She seemed more clear headed and she's seeing where her life will end up if she doesn't make life changed and quit blaming us. She has a BF who is 6 2 200 pounds who she met on the first night away. They are happy together although still homeless.
There are times I regret not leaving 10 years ago. But I was a homeschool mom and I also couldn't afford this mortgage and I can't work b/c I have pain issues my whole life.
But, then again, my daughter has to learn to make the right choices in life. I'm in a holding pattern. He's still here, but he's not going to Celebrate Recovery like he's supposed to on my boundary list.
I've gotta go. Wish I could talk more today LOL. Good luck ladies.
Anne from VA
Anne from VA,
DeleteNice to hear from you but so sorry that you continue to struggle with those around you. It sounds like you're setting some clear boundaries re. your daughter and your husband. I hope you can let go of the regrets and keep your eyes focussed on today and the path slightly ahead.
Hi Ann,
ReplyDeleteGood luck with taking steps towards clear boundaries. In the end, it is not just a win for you but a win for your children. They deserve to learn that they can have boundaries around people treating them badly in their lives too.
I hope you realize that regrets aren't useful because you can only start with where you are and the choices you make now weren't necessarily available to you then. You might not have been ready or the financial situation you were in made the risks too grave. Honor who you were then and celebrate who you have become now and keep looking for the next small step you can take.
I think I've reached my limit. I can't bend or stretch anymore. I only 2 months past d-day. 2 short yet excruciatingly long painful months. I never imagined this would happen to us. We were not in a good place for a little while in the marriage. Communication breakdown for sure. He was travelling for work a lot more. I found out after the affair lasted 3 weeks. A lot of trickle truth all of which I discovered. He was still in a fog and I found out they were still talking 3 weeks after he claimed it ended. I believe when he says that he doesn't have feelings for her- she just filled a void. I agreed to give him another chance for the sake of our family- we have a three year old daughter. We started marriage counselling. He said he was willing to do whatever it took. Unfortunately his actions didn't match his words. He was only willing to bend a little. If there was anything I wanted that he felt was unreasonable, he was quite reactive. He's definitely not an emotional type of guy, but I desperately needed to feel as though I could regain trust and feel safe again. He couldn't do it. We fought. We were silent. Our MC was even so exasperated talking to him to try to have him understand a different way of looking at things, but he was just no hearing it.
ReplyDeleteAt this point, I've reached my limit. Enough is enough. As soon as I mentioned a separation/ divorce, he ran out to look at condos and secure a mortgage. Even though he stated he still loved me. Not much of a fight in him. It's devastating all over again but I need to find the strength and courage to get through the next few days, weeks, months. I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to be without love. I am humiliated that I failed. How can do this???
Anonymous 8/27 you haven't failed. What is going on here is about what is missing in your husband. Two months is so new and raw. Your emotions are all over the place and often, daily, minute to minute you feel like you've had enough. Please do yourself a kindness and just give yourself a chance to take a deep breath. Don't make any long term decisions right now. They may be fueled by emotion rather than a clear perspective on what is right for you.
ReplyDeleteI feel you on the scared to be alone. But challenge that thought. Even if you are or end up without your h, are you truly alone? You have your child and I am almost certain you have other family and friends to reach out to, who can be there for you. It's early days yet and it is a hell of a roller coaster ride that you didn't sign up for. Please take a deep breath and focus on what you need to survive day to day. Stay out of the future ( what if) and the past ( if only) as much as you can and find those folks who will circle the wagons with you. Like the amazing women here. I'm sorry you are going through hell. I mean it when I say, it will get better and you will be amazed with yourself. Hang in there.