Dear Elle,I'm beyond heart BROKEN. IM IN TEARSSSS ND IM TORN APART.I MR MY HUSBAND 7 YEARS AGO.wev bn married for 4 yrs with two beautiful kids. My husband has a love child which my family was against. They boldly told me not to marry him as to avoid future troubles .but I stood by him. Finally they gave their blessings after seeing how much love I had for him. I have been a "GOOD WIFE ELLE. GOOD MOM 101%.Elle I have been nothing but a virtues woman. This is why IM BROKEN. I WENT tru MY HUSBANDS phone to find out he was sex chatting the mother of his love child (Elle'wasnt this the reason my parents refused me marrying him? ???? And to think he's a deacon in church! !! He's been apologising. Iv not found tears to shed. Iv been cursing nd fighting him 'havent had water nd food for 2days now (I'm a mess ))))Elle I'm sad Elle I'm beyond broken. I have sent the other woman screen munched pix of the chat I saw just so she knows I KNOW NOW! !!! I WANT TO LEAVE HIM. I WANT A DIVORCE. I Feel betrayed. So why didn't he marry her? Wat do I do coz he's been pleading. When I close my eyes to sleep nd forget my pain I still see the sex chats word for word. Help Elle before I kill this bastard with poison.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I hope you haven't gone ahead and killed the bastard. None of us looks good behind bars. Let me start by encouraging you to channel your (justifiable!!) anger somewhere it won't get you in trouble. Behind that anger is a whole lot of hurt. But start by screaming into a pillow, finding a punching bag (a real punching bag not a person), running until your heart feels like it's going to explode out of your chest. That anger is getting in the way of you taking any sort of constructive healthy action. Second, please find yourself a therapist who can help you through this hell. You've got a long road ahead but you are going to be okay. You have two kids watching to see how you respond to this so you want to show them what self-respect but also self-control looks like. It won't be easy. But you can do it. You'll be amazed at what you can do, you'll be amazed at how strong you are. Third, it might be time to show him the door until you can both be around each other without screaming and cursing. That's not helping anybody, least of all your kids. You have every right to be furious. But remember that behind that fury is your pain, and it needs to be addressed. Hang in there, Anonymous. You will get through this. I promise. So let's get you through this without you getting yourself arrested.
Anonymous August 31 I'm so sorry for the pain I know you are in. I'm sure Elle will also respond too but I'm just here wishing I could put my arms around you and tell you everything will be okay. But the truth is that it's going to hurt for a while. The time is imperative for you to begin to take care of you. I know that feeling of dehydration from the nonstop tears. I'm also very familiar with the loss of appetite. Sleepless nights were also something I survived and I can't tell you how long that takes but it slowly does get better. I also know that deep desire to kill the asshole. In fact I think I fantasized about killing both of them and then right behind that loving the damn buzzard that he was! Just know that you are not alone in the feelings and the wonderful women here can help you through this but you also have to help yourself by showing compassion for you. Keep reading this blog and you will find the strength to get through this one day at a time! Hugs for the pain!
Anon--the first thing you have to do is take a few deep breaths and find out what you want and what he wants. Even if you want to divorce him you dont need to do that right now. and it's OK If you dont know what you want. Get into therapy--FEW people can go through this without guidance. This sort of behavior knows few boundaries. Even being a deacon in his church didnt stop him. You being a great wife didnt stop him because it's all about HIM. you did nothing wrong. NOTHING ok? this is his choice (foolishly) You have to eat, you have to drink. You need to sleep. (i went 48 hours with none and was a danger to him, myself and others, so please stay off the road) He can also get his butt to a therapist with you and plead his case there, just remember, it has N O T H I N G to do with you. NOTHING. We're here for you.
Anon I'm so sorry for your pain, you have every right to be angry with your h, have you confronted him? Do you need some space right now to digest what you have just unearthed, can you ask him to leave. Anon please find a trusted friend or relative you can talk to. This is not your fault you married this man out of love and trust and he has broken that not you and I hope your family can be understanding of that... Anon you need to look after yourself right now that means eating and drinking a little, sleeping a little just to get you through the day.. Your children need you to function ( not sure how old they are but I assume they are dependant on you). Get your h to help out with childcare so you can have some time out.. Anon best advice to you is do not make any haste decisions you need time.. Please don't poison him although he probably deserves it, he isn't worth the time you would do in prison.. Anon just try get through these next few days the best you can, please keep posting we know what your going through we've been there.. Big hugs anon
Dear Anonymous: you are among Sisters here. This place saved my life. How smart and brave you are to reach out--those are the parts of you that will carry you when your hungry, weakened sleep deprived body feels like it cannot go on. We will help carry you too...We know your pain and that won't fix it, but you need to be heard. PLEASE--I know your betrayed stomach is in knots, but you require some calories to think. I started with a tbsp of natural (sugar) free almond butter. All I can speak to from experience is that right now you do not need to do anything, decide anything other than what you want right now. Give yourself permission to be still. Pray for comfort if you wish, but no huge decisions need to be made right now. You need to know that women who have never met you are standing by you unconditionally and without judgement. When I cried out "I want to kill him" the other Ladies said "put your hair back and wear gloves"...I was met in my darkness by people who want me to be safe and happy. We want the same for you. Don't poison him--you have babies and your humanity to protect. YOU WILL SURVIVE this--we are proof. Reach out every day. Eat. Drink (please no alcohol if possible). Rest. Hug your babies. I promise you can come out the other side and remarkably--if it's what you want and he is deserving you can uncover a relationship that is bigger and deeper than you ever imagined. If that is not to be the way it goes--you will find that YOU are exquisitely and remarkably able to live a great life without him. Stay strong--much respect and love--Shawn.
Wow it makes me proud to read all these comments and see these amazing women helping each other and holding each other up!! This is how women are suppose to be and I forgot that with all the ugliness the OW brought to my life! Thank you all again friends and fighters!!! Thank you Elle for this safe place.
Dear Elle,I'm beyond heart BROKEN. IM IN TEARSSSS ND IM TORN APART.I MR MY HUSBAND 7 YEARS AGO.wev bn married for 4 yrs with two beautiful kids. My husband has a love child which my family was against. They boldly told me not to marry him as to avoid future troubles .but I stood by him. Finally they gave their blessings after seeing how much love I had for him. I have been a "GOOD WIFE ELLE. GOOD MOM 101%.Elle I have been nothing but a virtues woman. This is why IM BROKEN. I WENT tru MY HUSBANDS phone to find out he was sex chatting the mother of his love child (Elle'wasnt this the reason my parents refused me marrying him? ???? And to think he's a deacon in church! !! He's been apologising. Iv not found tears to shed. Iv been cursing nd fighting him 'havent had water nd food for 2days now (I'm a mess ))))Elle I'm sad Elle I'm beyond broken. I have sent the other woman screen munched pix of the chat I saw just so she knows I KNOW NOW! !!! I WANT TO LEAVE HIM. I WANT A DIVORCE. I Feel betrayed. So why didn't he marry her? Wat do I do coz he's been pleading. When I close my eyes to sleep nd forget my pain I still see the sex chats word for word. Help Elle before I kill this bastard with poison.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I hope you haven't gone ahead and killed the bastard. None of us looks good behind bars.
Let me start by encouraging you to channel your (justifiable!!) anger somewhere it won't get you in trouble. Behind that anger is a whole lot of hurt. But start by screaming into a pillow, finding a punching bag (a real punching bag not a person), running until your heart feels like it's going to explode out of your chest. That anger is getting in the way of you taking any sort of constructive healthy action.
Second, please find yourself a therapist who can help you through this hell. You've got a long road ahead but you are going to be okay. You have two kids watching to see how you respond to this so you want to show them what self-respect but also self-control looks like. It won't be easy. But you can do it. You'll be amazed at what you can do, you'll be amazed at how strong you are.
Third, it might be time to show him the door until you can both be around each other without screaming and cursing. That's not helping anybody, least of all your kids. You have every right to be furious. But remember that behind that fury is your pain, and it needs to be addressed.
Hang in there, Anonymous. You will get through this. I promise. So let's get you through this without you getting yourself arrested.
Anonymous August 31
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the pain I know you are in. I'm sure Elle will also respond too but I'm just here wishing I could put my arms around you and tell you everything will be okay. But the truth is that it's going to hurt for a while. The time is imperative for you to begin to take care of you. I know that feeling of dehydration from the nonstop tears. I'm also very familiar with the loss of appetite. Sleepless nights were also something I survived and I can't tell you how long that takes but it slowly does get better. I also know that deep desire to kill the asshole. In fact I think I fantasized about killing both of them and then right behind that loving the damn buzzard that he was! Just know that you are not alone in the feelings and the wonderful women here can help you through this but you also have to help yourself by showing compassion for you. Keep reading this blog and you will find the strength to get through this one day at a time! Hugs for the pain!
Anon--the first thing you have to do is take a few deep breaths and find out what you want and what he wants. Even if you want to divorce him you dont need to do that right now. and it's OK If you dont know what you want. Get into therapy--FEW people can go through this without guidance. This sort of behavior knows few boundaries. Even being a deacon in his church didnt stop him. You being a great wife didnt stop him because it's all about HIM. you did nothing wrong. NOTHING ok? this is his choice (foolishly) You have to eat, you have to drink. You need to sleep. (i went 48 hours with none and was a danger to him, myself and others, so please stay off the road) He can also get his butt to a therapist with you and plead his case there, just remember, it has N O T H I N G to do with you. NOTHING. We're here for you.
ReplyDeleteAnon I'm so sorry for your pain, you have every right to be angry with your h, have you confronted him? Do you need some space right now to digest what you have just unearthed, can you ask him to leave. Anon please find a trusted friend or relative you can talk to. This is not your fault you married this man out of love and trust and he has broken that not you and I hope your family can be understanding of that... Anon you need to look after yourself right now that means eating and drinking a little, sleeping a little just to get you through the day.. Your children need you to function ( not sure how old they are but I assume they are dependant on you). Get your h to help out with childcare so you can have some time out.. Anon best advice to you is do not make any haste decisions you need time.. Please don't poison him although he probably deserves it, he isn't worth the time you would do in prison.. Anon just try get through these next few days the best you can, please keep posting we know what your going through we've been there.. Big hugs anon
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous: you are among Sisters here. This place saved my life. How smart and brave you are to reach out--those are the parts of you that will carry you when your hungry, weakened sleep deprived body feels like it cannot go on. We will help carry you too...We know your pain and that won't fix it, but you need to be heard. PLEASE--I know your betrayed stomach is in knots, but you require some calories to think. I started with a tbsp of natural (sugar) free almond butter. All I can speak to from experience is that right now you do not need to do anything, decide anything other than what you want right now. Give yourself permission to be still. Pray for comfort if you wish, but no huge decisions need to be made right now. You need to know that women who have never met you are standing by you unconditionally and without judgement. When I cried out "I want to kill him" the other Ladies said "put your hair back and wear gloves"...I was met in my darkness by people who want me to be safe and happy. We want the same for you. Don't poison him--you have babies and your humanity to protect. YOU WILL SURVIVE this--we are proof. Reach out every day. Eat. Drink (please no alcohol if possible). Rest. Hug your babies. I promise you can come out the other side and remarkably--if it's what you want and he is deserving you can uncover a relationship that is bigger and deeper than you ever imagined. If that is not to be the way it goes--you will find that YOU are exquisitely and remarkably able to live a great life without him. Stay strong--much respect and love--Shawn.
ReplyDeleteWow it makes me proud to read all these comments and see these amazing women helping each other and holding each other up!! This is how women are suppose to be and I forgot that with all the ugliness the OW brought to my life! Thank you all again friends and fighters!!! Thank you Elle for this safe place.
ReplyDelete