I don't know. Good question. I think so, in a way. I've been "looking into my own heart" a lot lately. It seems that the work that's left for me on this is my own self-concept. My self-worth. My dignity. My belief in who I am and what I see in front of me. Once my marriage has healed a bit, I'm still left with some pretty big sores in my identity. My H can give me encouragement and support, but I believe strongly (and intuitively) that I have to spackle the cracks in my foundation MYSELF. I need to know that my new sense of self is based on MY values. That I know who I am independent of all others (including my H). It has to come from ME. Afterall, I don't know what the future holds, and I now know I can't control anyone. I feel pretty fragile at times now in ways I never did before. A slight blemish on my face will cause me to ask internal questions about my worth (ridiculous). This "fragility" comes from having my whole world turned upside down and the fact that I was forced to re-prioritize every value and belief I have. Every slight disappointment or imperfection causes me to question if I've rebuilt this whole thing (me) right. Still, all the time this tornado is swirling around my sense of self, I have known the eye of the storm is the real me. My central values and beliefs. I knew before, during, and after my H's affairs that I am a good person. A person with good intentions. A person who cares for others. A person not afraid to work hard. (I'm still working on the rest of who I "am"). I now know that I should not have tried to be perfect. That I was enough even with my mistakes and imperfections. In short, I learned some things. I certainly DID some wrong things. But I am not wrong at my central core. When I look deep into my heart, I find nothing wrong there. When I look at my behaviors or thought patterns... some of those were wrong. I learned about them as quickly as I was able. My hope is that my H will see things the same way about himself centrally. I think a cheater has a harder time looking into their hearts and finding goodness than we do (although, it's still hard!! I did some stuff I wish I didn't!) It's like the difference between guilt and shame I think. I DID wrong vs. I AM wrong. Big difference that I'm still trying to stay in touch with.
I guess it means, just worry about healing your own imperfections and don't waste your energy wanting to 'fix' or understand things that seem to be wrong with somebody else's heart. That's how I'm reading it. I feel I've spent too long reeling from shock amd trying to figure out what happened. I think I need to accept that I may never understand. All I can do is to try to grow and develop my own heart and life.
I think there is always what I would call room for improvement and different aspects of my life. I have always been a big self improvement person personally and professionally. I like to seek out new information and try new things even if it is for variety vs trying to fix something. I was raised that way to seek out new information, try it, apply it to my life, seek to become more educated, etc.
I do think on some level I am at a point as Selkie says that I have focused on me and have looked at myself and realize that I can only control myself and my actions and decisions. I cannot control my husband. I know things will not be fairy tale perfect but there are some days that I wonder if me being alone would be the best thing for me. After what he has done can he change enough and repair himself and our marriage enough. Or at some level is he just too different. He has changed dramatically and really done a great job but at some fundamental level he is who he is and I am not sure how that will mesh with me long term. And is a healed marriage enough? Are his changes enough? I need more now and have higher expectations. We will see...
I was speaking with another betrayed wife this week who lives in my area, who I met through my therapist. She was finding it very hard to forgive her husband and was very upset about it. and I finally said it outloud. "i haven't forgiven my husband yet, I have not even tried"
I think she was shocked, and I guess I was too, but it's the truth.
So I know that not all is well and perfect in my own heart. I am far from perfect as elle reminded us in a blog a few days ago.
I don't carry around active anger right now, it doesn't sit on me daily or even weekly. I am too busy trying to heal myself that i don't have time or the inclination to get back to the anger i felt, not that long ago. So Selkie and Ann, I think you are both onto something.
I realize that until I am right with MYSELF that any forgiveness that I might grant would be false. Plus my H has never asked for forgiveness, I am sure he does not think that he deserves it. But in the long run, I hope he can ask, and I hope that I can answer honestly that I can grant that forgiveness.
If it was weighing me down I think I would work on it more (as they say, a grudge only hurts us, the other person isn't even aware of it most of the time) but this is much bigger than a grudge and deserves a lot more time before I go around acting like I am holier than thou and granting forgiveness that has not been asked for.
I know my heart is in the right place, but some of the shattered, parts of it are obscuring parts of its wholeness right now. I think it's all still there though, hiding beneath he cracks that are still healing.
Is there anyone who can truely look into there own heart and find nothing wrong?
ReplyDeleteI don't know. Good question. I think so, in a way. I've been "looking into my own heart" a lot lately. It seems that the work that's left for me on this is my own self-concept. My self-worth. My dignity. My belief in who I am and what I see in front of me. Once my marriage has healed a bit, I'm still left with some pretty big sores in my identity. My H can give me encouragement and support, but I believe strongly (and intuitively) that I have to spackle the cracks in my foundation MYSELF. I need to know that my new sense of self is based on MY values. That I know who I am independent of all others (including my H). It has to come from ME. Afterall, I don't know what the future holds, and I now know I can't control anyone. I feel pretty fragile at times now in ways I never did before. A slight blemish on my face will cause me to ask internal questions about my worth (ridiculous). This "fragility" comes from having my whole world turned upside down and the fact that I was forced to re-prioritize every value and belief I have. Every slight disappointment or imperfection causes me to question if I've rebuilt this whole thing (me) right. Still, all the time this tornado is swirling around my sense of self, I have known the eye of the storm is the real me. My central values and beliefs. I knew before, during, and after my H's affairs that I am a good person. A person with good intentions. A person who cares for others. A person not afraid to work hard. (I'm still working on the rest of who I "am"). I now know that I should not have tried to be perfect. That I was enough even with my mistakes and imperfections. In short, I learned some things. I certainly DID some wrong things. But I am not wrong at my central core. When I look deep into my heart, I find nothing wrong there. When I look at my behaviors or thought patterns... some of those were wrong. I learned about them as quickly as I was able. My hope is that my H will see things the same way about himself centrally. I think a cheater has a harder time looking into their hearts and finding goodness than we do (although, it's still hard!! I did some stuff I wish I didn't!) It's like the difference between guilt and shame I think. I DID wrong vs. I AM wrong. Big difference that I'm still trying to stay in touch with.
DeleteI guess it means, just worry about healing your own imperfections and don't waste your energy wanting to 'fix' or understand things that seem to be wrong with somebody else's heart. That's how I'm reading it. I feel I've spent too long reeling from shock amd trying to figure out what happened. I think I need to accept that I may never understand. All I can do is to try to grow and develop my own heart and life.
DeleteI think there is always what I would call room for improvement and different aspects of my life. I have always been a big self improvement person personally and professionally. I like to seek out new information and try new things even if it is for variety vs trying to fix something. I was raised that way to seek out new information, try it, apply it to my life, seek to become more educated, etc.
DeleteI do think on some level I am at a point as Selkie says that I have focused on me and have looked at myself and realize that I can only control myself and my actions and decisions. I cannot control my husband. I know things will not be fairy tale perfect but there are some days that I wonder if me being alone would be the best thing for me. After what he has done can he change enough and repair himself and our marriage enough. Or at some level is he just too different. He has changed dramatically and really done a great job but at some fundamental level he is who he is and I am not sure how that will mesh with me long term. And is a healed marriage enough? Are his changes enough? I need more now and have higher expectations. We will see...
I was speaking with another betrayed wife this week who lives in my area, who I met through my therapist. She was finding it very hard to forgive her husband and was very upset about it. and I finally said it outloud.
ReplyDelete"i haven't forgiven my husband yet, I have not even tried"
I think she was shocked, and I guess I was too, but it's the truth.
So I know that not all is well and perfect in my own heart. I am far from perfect as elle reminded us in a blog a few days ago.
I don't carry around active anger right now, it doesn't sit on me daily or even weekly. I am too busy trying to heal myself that i don't have time or the inclination to get back to the anger i felt, not that long ago. So Selkie and Ann, I think you are both onto something.
I realize that until I am right with MYSELF that any forgiveness that I might grant would be false. Plus my H has never asked for forgiveness, I am sure he does not think that he deserves it. But in the long run, I hope he can ask, and I hope that I can answer honestly that I can grant that forgiveness.
If it was weighing me down I think I would work on it more (as they say, a grudge only hurts us, the other person isn't even aware of it most of the time) but this is much bigger than a grudge and deserves a lot more time before I go around acting like I am holier than thou and granting forgiveness that has not been asked for.
I know my heart is in the right place, but some of the shattered, parts of it are obscuring parts of its wholeness right now. I think it's all still there though, hiding beneath he cracks that are still healing.