Wednesday, July 25, 2018

From the Vault: Worrying That I Worry Too Much

A reader commented that she enjoys my older posts...particularly this one. It's interesting for me to note that I no longer experience this chronic worry, or panic attacks. Meditation has helped enormously. And self-care: sleep, healthy eating, exercise, a place to share my thoughts/worries. That said, my teens, with their newly minted driver's licences, are putting my anxiety-busting skills to the test! ~Elle


One of the casualties of betrayal is a sense of safety. For many of us, that safety was our marriages and our homes. Not necessarily in a dull, passionless sense (though that might be the case for some of us), but in a warm, out-of-the-harsh-world kinda way. I, for one, relied on my marriage as a haven – and my husband as the person I could trust with my heart.
And when that trust is betrayed, it wipes out that sense of safety.
In the weeks and months following D-Day, I began having panic attacks. A sense of anxiety and fear would mount. My breathing would become shallow. I felt trapped.
Now, three years post D-Day, it has manifested itself as chronic, low-grade worry.
I haven't been a worrier in years, though I confess I leaned toward worry in childhood. As child of two alcoholics, I often worried when they didn't come home when expected. Even as a kid, I understood that drinking and driving often led to disaster...and I feared that disaster would befall my family. I worried about the fighting. About divorce. About whether I would live with my mother or father.
In my twenties, however, with my mother sober, my father sober(ish) and an understanding of the effects of alcoholism on children, I was able to leave worry behind.
Quite successfully.
I became almost the opposite, convinced that bad things simply didn't happen to me. In my twisted logic, I figured I'd paid my dues. Now was time to enjoy life. I succeeded at school, found a career I loved and excelled at, travelled (often hitch-hiking to get around), got married, had kids – I felt invincible. 
And save for a few scares, such as a cancer scare with my mother, and a health scare when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I worried very little.
But now.
Now, I worry about everything. Silly things. Like horrific car accidents that wipe out my entire family. Like my daughter growing up to become a meth addict. Like my son marrying someone who hates me and cutting me out of his life. That my career is over. That menopause will render me 50 pounds heavier with a full beard.
This chronic worry crept up on me.
At first, once I learned of my husband's affairs, I worried about the obvious: that he was still involved, that he wasn't where he said he was, that there was more than he was admitting, that my marriage was doomed, that I would live out my life in drunken, pathetic squalor...
But as those worries were eased by day-to-day evidence that they weren't going to happen, a tippy-toeing anxiety took their place.
However, as I fretted last week over something that I now can't even recall, the realization hit me hard.
I've become a chronic worrier.
And I don't want to be that way. I don't want to create anxiety where it need not be. I don't want to pollute my family's environment with toxic worry.
The solution for me seems to talk to myself (I swear, I'm getting crazier by the day!) whenever I notice that I'm worrying...and remind myself that my fears are groundless. Sure we could get into a car accident that renders all of us paralyzed from the neck down and suffering from third-degree burns...but it isn't very likely.
And sure my children could grow up to become white-collar criminals, drag-addled hookers or divorce lawyers...but it isn't likely.
And sure, my husband could betray me again with someone even more wretched than the OW. But it isn't likely (or possible. She was verywretched!!)
It's one more instance where I refuse to let betrayal's long reach affect me any further.

19 comments:

  1. Thank you for posting this. So much good in here. I am just past three years so that hit home. I find myself in a similar situation. I am in a heightened state of worry and anxiety. I tend to retreat and isolate. When I try to put myself out there I get hit in the face with a trigger. I too worry about things out of my control with so many aspects of my life. The only thing that helps me is to isolate which I know is not ideal. I workout, cook and eat healthy, keep active throughout my day, focus on work, focus on my kids and anything positive.

    I was reflecting the past couple of weeks on and off trying to figure it all out. I know intellectually I am safe. But it really is a physical reaction to what I have been through and I think it manifests in anxiety and worry. The busier I/we get as a couple and family the more it elevates. Pressure is hard for me to manage now. Before dday I felt like I could do it all. I think since I thought we were a team and it would all work out. Now I try everything but those reactions and physical feelings creep in. I almost feel like I am damaged or beyond repair. It feels like no matter what I do it slaps me in the face and usually unexpected which makes it hard to manage. I think early on I expected that and could anticipate it and brace myself. Now it could be at a picnic, dinner with friends, a call from my husband who knows. And once it hits me it is harder to recover. Something was said at a picnic a couple weeks ago by one of my husband's friends and it really hit me hard. I am still struggling with it. I know my husband nor I can control that but it was too much for me to take.

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    1. H30 - I'm fresh off a new DDay ... so my words are a little skewed - but I wonder if your body is telling you something you need to listen to? Or, I've read enough about PTSD as well, could this be PTSD starting to rear its ugly head again?

      I know you've talked about therapy - have you talked to your therapist about this recently?

      I'm sorry you are struggling right now. We've read it a gazillion times - we never get OVER this ... but we'd like to get through it. You are a warrior - allow yourself to feel this and then reach out for the help to get through it.

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    2. Hopeful,
      I totally know what you're talking about. I hate those surprise things people say in public that get to me. One time someone trashed Hillary Clinton in front of me because after she forgave Bill he, "just could never respect her again." All politics aside, when I am calm and thinking clearly I see his statements as ignorant and just sadly misguided. I feel sorry for him that he hasn't thought this through. But in the moment, I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack. It feels like being blindsided. I've accepted that these things are just going to happen from time to time. I've learned a few tricks (excusing myself immediately with some excuse to get some alone time, watching my internal dialog very carefully, NOT taking another drink in that state, talking with my H about it as soon as possible, stating my feelings out loud (even if only to myself...), but still, I recognize these events will happen from time to time. Which sucks, frankly. People just have no idea what they're saying half the time. It makes me wonder what I say that hits other people like that (and really makes me careful in my speech).

      I've noticed lately a low level anxiety thing centered around being with strangers. It's weird. I've never been a super outgoing person. I'm more reserved than most anyway. But now (2.5 years out) I find myself extremely reluctant to make friends at work or even respond when people speak to me at they gym, etc. Because I've been doing this for 2.5 years, I've found myself without many friends at work at all suddenly (because the friends I had have moved on or retired while I've been in this isolation phase). While I've managed to keep friendships, I simply haven't made any new ones. I've been busy, I guess, repairing my marriage and taking care of me, but I do think it's more than that. I've been afraid to open myself up to injury the way you simply MUST in order to make a new friend. I've been afraid to take any risks with new people in order to avoid possible lower level betrayals or something. I've made it a goal to put myself in uncomfortable social situations and risk vulnerability with strangers a bit to try to make some new friends (especially at work where people come and go so much). It still blows me away how this one event in my life has effected so many other things that I never would have thought were related. There are infinite opportunities for growth!

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    3. Hopeful30, I relate 100% to your post. As our lives take on a more "normal" pattern of living and we each branch out to do the "normal" things we use to do independent of the other, the higher my anxiety goes and less secure I feel in my marriage. Nothing really has changed except we need to venture out now to address external things that were put on the back burner when we focused 100% on us. I wish Elle had put a date on this post so I could go back and read her posts from the three year mark on. I think for me, it still feels like a lack of security and safety meaning I need to work on myself to get through this. I need to do whatever I need to feel safe with myself. I also isolate as much as possible. I just stay home. When we have family gatherings something always comes up to trigger me. Last weekend we had a barbque and my brother in law had too much to drink and started talking about President Trump. I'll paraphrase here. "I'm a lot of things but I'm not "that guy". Who cheats on his wife with porn stars and random women? His wife should divorce him and take him to the cleaners. My brother and I would never do that because we are real men." Yup, said by my brother in law in front of my husband. Needless to say, after all was said and done I had an "episode" that brought us both down. Like Elle says, we can't keep using our husband's past as a sword but good god, I feel like I'm stabbed in the back over and over again. Everyone loves our parties except me and probably my husband. The insecurity is hard my friend. I don't know if I'll ever feel safe and secure in my marriage again. I just don't know what I need to replace those false senses of comfort and safety I once lived with in the days when I thought he had my back. He says he will never cheat or hurt me again. Hard to really believe someone who started cheating on me in 1982 and stopped in 2015. That is more than half my life. Let me know if you figure it out.

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    4. Thanks everyone. I always think hearing others relate is so powerful. I isolate myself so much. My therapist said it is me doing what is natural and protecting myself. After the biggest injury/trauma of my life it feels easier to isolate than potentially feel vulnerable. I totally agree about parties and being around others. Just not fun. I have had a several incidents with friends where they have backed out of doing things with me. I try to be forgiving and understand they have things going on in their lives. But it seems like a pattern with all of my good friends. No one seems dependable except my teen age kids which seems odd.

      Thanks everyone!!

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  2. ;) Elle - I still love the OW statement!

    Worry - it's my security blanket. If I worry about it and can anticipate all possible outcomes then I feel safer. Problem is - one can not worry about everything ... because while I was worrying about getting my oldest out of high school and into college, about making the mortgage payment, about my dislike of my job, the size of my jeans, the ... my husband was out posting sex ads on the internet and met a woman who rocked my "perfect" world.

    The past 13 months I've spent worrying that he was still in the affair (he was), that he was lying to me (he was), that he would do this again (he tried), that he wasn't here for the right reasons (this is yet to be proven), or that he would never take me seriously because I have been so knee jerk reactive (again ... still out on the fence on this one). LOL, and sadly there could be a more wretched OW because OW was - at least from a social media standpoint - a decent person. But the past few weeks I've come to realize I am again worrying about the wrong thing.

    What I should be worrying about is whether or not I really want to stay in this marriage. Because while I was so focused on him and his behavior/changes - I truly did neglect to look inward and determine if I was fighting for this marriage because I truly want this marriage or if I was fighting for this marriage out of some other fear/control/etc. Does this marriage bring value to my life? Will this man bring me pain or suffering? Is my gut telling me something I need to hear?

    For the first time in a very long time - I'm going to put me first. I'm going to start exploring meaning for ME (not the kids ... not him ... not the family). And in the mean time, I'm going to explore and create an exit plan should the need arise to use it or at a very minimum to stifle that worry about not having an exit plan.





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    1. I had a plan B with my first H. He was financially irresponsible, drank too mmuch, had his flings, but I wanted to stay together until our son graduated high school. He started becoming violent and I was ready for the divorce.

      Current H always kept me secure and after the two of us experiencing unemployment, he took a job out of state for a year and a half. I was glad for the job because it paid well and I had a sneaking suspicion he was involved with the neighbor. After he came back, my suspicions grew stronger and 6/19/16 was Dday. I had no backup plan and my job does not pay as much as other jobs. Work on the exit plan. You can bet your bottom dollar I now have one.

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    2. Kimberly. I'm sorry to hear what you have had to go through. I suggest every woman has an exit plan! And do not tell your husbands of this....just remember, they kept so much from us. I wish I had of had the insight and time to have a (financial exit plan.
      Hugs
      Gabby xo

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  3. I think that some how my worry and anxiety have transferred to the care taking of my mother. I don’t focus on our sad past as much and I believe it’s because he has stepped up in the day to day duties and he shows his love and remorse. That said there are times that my mother triggers me back to my childhood issues! LLP she was not a very good mother and I’m certainly not a saint but because I’ve had many years of therapy I know she did the best she could and now that’s all I can give back to her. The same thing goes with my h. He’s doing the best he can do for the present and planning long term for our future...one day at a time!

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    1. Theresa,
      I sat down with each one of my children and told them how I knew I instilled the wrong message. I made a list of my old standards, printed them and gave them to each one of my kids. I said don't fall into this trap. I was wrong with my expectations they were too high. Then I ask them what they resented about me. They told me things I forgot about, had reasons or excuses but sat and listen to them. I understood where they were coming from. Especially the oldest son. I apologized both in person and wrote each a letter as well. That is all I can do. It was hard but the right thing to do.

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  4. I dont worry as much ss i used to nope dday showed me i have no control anyways so might as well stay in the day. Interesting enough my husband now worries constantly, has bad dreams about me cheating or grows overly suspicious im leaving or will one day to the point some days it drives me crazy or has him make comments that annoy me? I told him his bad choices are not mine and that must be guilt or shame weighing on him? His shit i tell him to focus on positives we can be doing really go then this reminds me ...same he wants to be reassured about us sometimes i do othertimes i eye roll like no im way less people pleasing since dday and have way less tolerance or maybe just more self care? Idk if he still needs to work tgru things or we do? But his on edge fears really get to me sometimes i snap no thats ur doing not mine. Not even sure thos makes sense. We are doing better but still ... its there and esp with his comments accusations etc i know communication is key as is honesty to one another good and bad same for sex he wants me to overly show him im into him when im like just be present and im npt into game playing its amazing and other times frustrating as he wants me to initiate or try hard then gets mad if im like ok i tried and go to bed instead not sure this makes sense or u can relate. sighhh i dont recall him like this before dday i also told hom the fantasy paid sex was an illusion and altered his vision of our reality. Very frustrating sometimes since he created all this not me

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  5. gang, I'm going to admit that one of the worries that lingers on for me, one of my more vulnerable soft spots, probably soft before my ex had his affair, is that I am not quite pretty or young enough. Since his affair, I've had to wrestle with knowing that the OW was 29 to his then 43 and my the 46. Ouch. How could I compete with that hot young, willing thing. Afraid I was not pretty enough, young enough, sexy enough or that I was boring in bed, all these stupid things when faced with the nightmare of a pretty younger OW. And I always felt a little sad that when others talked about how bats and nasty the OW turned out the be in their case, I was still left with the specter of this pretty young thing (who must be a mess, granted) reminding me that I should have been younger. This rears its head even now in dating situations and with a little bit of a let down I experienced recently. I'm afraid that if they find out how old I really am, they won't want to date me anymore, that if only I had been prettier, he might have overcome his "not looking for a relationship right now" thing. When really, I know its about him or my ex (in either case) and not at all about my worth. Still. This young girl, OW. Any wife's worst nightmare.
    And then.
    I spent some time with an old friend this past Friday. He is friends with both me and my ex and sxpent the greater part of the 8 months he knew about my ex's affair trying to convince him to end it and try to fix things. Turns out at some point after we separated, this friend met the OW when she came into town to spend time with my ex (setting aside that during this time we were still in marriage counseling and he was supposed to be no contact with her. Asshole.) But this friend told me, " truthfully, I found her annoying and so did so-and-so (another friend of my ex) and she's nothing to write home about in the looks dept. And she's a mess. Shortly after she went into rehab for booze." Wow. I couldn't help feeling a little gleeful at first. At little relieved. A little bit of letting go of my "not pretty enough." Here, finally, was my proof that like so many others, my cheating ex had opted to trade down. That it was because she was convenient and open to doing something shitty (probably fueled by alcohol) and that no matter how botoxed and sex kittened I tried to make myself, it was never really about me.
    And. I also feel sad for her that at 30, she's already had to go to rehab. and has had a relapse. She recently reached out to my ex again and apparently, this friend advised my ex that she was just "playing" him for attention as she heads back down the slope of self loathing and addiction. And that my ex also agreed that he was, as they said "being played." I'm annoyed with myself that this matters to me a little bit still, but at the same time, grateful for any evidence that she was and is a loser who will not end up in my life long term.
    So maybe the universe has blessed me with an opportunity to really let go of being not quite beautiful, not young enough, not whatever enough. Because I finally got real evidence that whatever I am, its certainly light years ahead of her.
    Maybe it means I can enter (at some distant point) into a relationship without being afraid of rejection for my looks or age or past or whatever.
    I worry still, that no one will want me. I worry still that I'm being wasted, that what is left of my youth is being squandered in solitude. But this is where I am.
    I get hit with anxiety like nobody's business since dday. I've learned to sit with it and then link it to something positive to shift the feeling. Very difficult but it helps.
    That's my brains dump for today. XOXO

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    1. SS1 it kills me that you are dealing with the insecurities. You are one hell of a vivacious woman. I’ve been repeating to myself Elle’s post about the fact that the OW has what we don’t want. If we reality check our thoughts we know that’s true but I can only imagine that the validation of truth must feel good!

      Now go put on that bikini and boost your self confidence!

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    2. Ss1, enough of the negative self talk, look in the mirror and tell yourself your a hot mama, with a badass attitude who could knock spots of any skanky ow. I get it we’re not in our 30’s anymore but we’ve lived, loved and come out the other side a hell of a lot stronger. Raise a glass to the 40’s single club I’m in : ) .. big hugs my love xxx

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    3. SS1, thanks for the brain dump. Honestly, I am 67 now and if I had to do it again I would NOT take the path your husband OW took. I mean really? 29 years old and having a fling with a married man? What the F is wrong with her that she could not attract a man her own age? Ummm, sounds like a cheap whore to me. Self-esteem? Nah. How does a young woman justify wasting her life with an old married man? Honey, you just dress yourself up in anything that makes you feel good and do not worry about what is underneath except "is my body healthy"? What we are all looking for in life is respect from a partner who respects himself/herself. Sex kittens grow up to be nasty barn cats catching rats. Any relationship you find yourself in in the future will be based on lots of positive things that have nothing to do with your looks. As we age, we are smart enough to know that looks are fleeting because it is maturity, respect, consideration, thoughtfulness, kindness, responsibility and flexibility that bring our lives alive. We can all learn how to meet our own sexual needs and those of a partner through reading, talking and experimenting to find just the right things to make us happy but we all know that unless our partner has integrity and leads an intentional life they are worthless. You ex is going to be "played" by bat shit crazy OW for a long, long time and he deserves it. Love ya. You are a great role model and you are entitled to your insecurities even though we all think you rock.

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    4. Thank you lovely ladies! xoxo

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    5. I like the 'barn cat' image- very fitting!

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    6. Wounded - I absolutely LOVE the analogy of the barn cat. It is certainly so true. Thank you for the first true smile with regards to this horrendous topic!

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  6. Beach girl I love what you have said above I’m taking on board slot of what you wrote to ss1, as I’m in the single club now too : ) .. you talk sense, with your wisdom we won’t go far wrong xx

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