A wise friend of mine recently told me about someone who has her worried. It’s his health. He is working much too hard and his stress level is too high. He has put on a lot of weight. His life is devoid of exercise and rest. He is looking ashy.
“I hope he survives his wake-up call,” she said, with sincere concern.
She was talking about a cardiac arrest. But immediately, my thoughts went to a different kind of heart attack: the jolt that stuns our cheating partners and traumatizes us when an affair comes to light.
The jolt of getting caught is a wake-up call to our partners that the game of make-believe has ended. Life looks him square in the face and says: “I’m not fucking around, man. This is deeply unhealthy. You have serious problems. And they are notgoing to magically go away.”
What our cheating partner chooses to do next is important. And there are only two options.
Option #1: Survive this wake-up call, irrespective of our choice to stay or go.
Surviving it means getting healthy. It means embracing humility, embracing all the ugly and hurtful ways in which he has hurt everyone, and committing to the brutally hard work of becoming a better person. And it warrants repeating that even if you declare the relationship over immediately—irrespective of your choice to stay or go—he should be doing this work. He should be taking this God-awful mess and making it his teacher.
Option #2: Not survive this wake-up call.
Not surviving it means staying unhealthy. It means putting his head in the sand. Doubling-down on his steady diet of deception. Clinging tight to his vestigial defense mechanisms.
Does he continue the affair? Blame you or others? Refuse to get individual counselling? Refuse to talk about it? Insist that you both just need to “move on”? Maintain, even months later, that he doesn’t know why it happened? Have another affair? Yeah. That means he’s not surviving it.
I read an example of this, recently, that made me so angry I wanted to scream. It was in this letter, which was sent to the Dear Sugar advice column/podcast. A married woman describes how she was caught “emotional and sexual texting” (including “inappropriate photos”) with her ex-boyfriend from high school (who, incidentally, was also in a committed relationship). This cheating wife was forgiven by her husband who “was amazing”, and despite being hurt and angry “agreed to work through it together”. They talked about the problems in their marriage. They reconnected in a way that felt “like being newlyweds”.
Then, just a few months later, she picked up the affair right where she left off. To disastrous effect.
This woman did not survive her wake-up call. She had the opportunity to get healthy—for her own sake and for the sake of her children and husband—and she turned that opportunity down. She was a cake-eater: she wanted both the comfort and love and security of her marriage, and the thrilling excitement of the affair. “THIS IS NOT WHO I AM,”she writes in capital letters in her letter, to which co-advisor Steve Almond compassionately but firmly replies: “This actually is who you are.”
Although we don’t hear from the husband in the letter to Dear Sugar, every single person on this site can imagine the heartbreak he felt when he discovered his wife’s affair. It was a wake-up call for him, too. And it sounds like, unlike his wife, he chose to embrace that wake-up call. In the wife’s words, he “acknowledged that our marriage had lost intimacy over the years with the minutia of kids, jobs, bills” and made the (I imagine) excruciatingly difficult choice of “really being together” with the wife who had so hurt him. He allowed it to crack him open, to humble him, to show him what he didn’t like about their marriage so that he could work on changing it.
He chose health.
But his wake-up call also meant that when he discovered his wife carrying on the affair, he didn’t give her a third chance.
The wake-up call has come for us, fellow Warriors. Will we choose to survive it?
Will we find the courage to embrace what it has to teach us?
Will we turn the pain into rocket fuel, propelling us through unprecedented growth to a level of strength and wisdom we see in women like Elle but never imagined in ourselves?
Before I had experienced infidelity first-hand, it seemed like an unimaginably horrific occurrence. And I wasn’t wrong. It really is.
But what I didn’t have any idea of then is how growth-inspiring it could be if I let it. When I sat down to write a journal entry four months after D-Day (and two months after getting the whole truth) entitled “good things that have come out of the last four months”, I filled an entire page without even having to think about it too hard.
An entire page.
I wouldn’t re-live the affair even if you paid me a million dollars.
I wouldn’t wish the traumatizing experience of it on anyone. (Well… Except her.)
But I can truthfully say (and I’m kind of astonished by this): Every single aspect of my life is healthier than it was prior to the affair.
I am choosing to survive this wake-up call.
And if you’re on this site, if you’re reading this right now, so are you.
Right on Chinook
ReplyDeleteMy ex Option 2 to a T.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Chinook, I am in awe of your growth in such a short time. It took me a long while to really start seeing the answers to my question "what's good about this situation?" but when I really opened up to seeing the good, it was like a snowball. I knew early one after DDay 2 that I wanted to survive the shit storm, I just had no idea how. Once the pieces started coming together...letting go of control, positive self talk, no expectations, sticking to my boundaries, etc., things started to simmer down and I could start to see the progress I made through my pain. I surrendered to the process. When saving my marriage was no longer my main goal, Saving myself was. Watching life around me unfold patiently and finding my joy/personal peace has been my salvation, along with this beautiful group of wise women. Thank you so much for sharing your beautifully written story. We will transcend
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing this, Michelle. "When saving my marriage was no longer my main goal, saving myself was." YES to this.
DeleteChinook, I love the way you write about emotions. It would be my wake up call if I intentionally harm myself like eating a pound of bacon every morning for breakfast. I think this is his wake up call. He got caught, he is broken and like you said, he has choices. For me it wasn't like a wake up call but more like a prison break when I realized it was me that was locked up. Locked up trying to please the warden or guard. Elle calls it a catalyst for change. I knew I was married to a very bad warden and chose to ignore it. I built the prison for my self. HIS wake up call of being caught as light shines on evil, for a life style he was living, not me. For me it was like, I did this, this, this, this and this is how you repay me? This is how you show love and appreciation? It was then like when someone slams down the phone in your ear, I said WTF? I decided nothing mattered except me. The worse has already happened there is nothing that anyone can say or do that would be hurt me more. (except something happened to my children.) This stripped all the taboos prison wall. I was going to do whatever I wanted, if someone said something, so what? That doesn't even touch the surface of hurt. My pendulum swung the other way to the other extreme of doing things I would never do before while laying in a puddle on the floor in private. I wore extremely low cut blouses, walked the dog in my hot rollers, sat on the couch in a public place and just cried. I just didn't care anymore. Look where being that person go me? That was the end and beginning of me, the true me. It has not been easy at all, in anyway. I hate it when my H says if it wasn't the affair then something else would have to happen for us to change. I deep down, hate it, resent it and would like to strangle him when he says that. I think well it should have been something else. I would like to think without the affair, I would have eventually broke out of prison but I honestly don't know. If my house burnt, car crashed, robbed - all of that would not have broken me out of my prison. Yes, it was a catalyst or wake up call but I think the cost was too high. The wake up call was too costly for me. I think that is why I don't agree when my H says what he does.
ReplyDeleteLLR, I'm so sorry for all the pain you've gone through. Sounds as though you're still processing what this means for you. Which is good. Take your time. Trust the process. Healing is taking place, even if it's invisible.
DeleteI have been reading the posts on and off for several months, but yet to write anything, however so many of the posts seem to speak so directly to me, and this one in particular has struck me in a way that has made me think I need to face some truths.
ReplyDeleteI am now 2 years (give or take) from the main D-day (although there have been countless over the years and even with the final big reveal, it then took six months to fully come out). In the past two years we have had spells of a week or two of feeling closer, recognising that the affairs (H is a sex addict, now in recovery, but spent our first 14 years of marriage slowly escalating his behaviours I now know) did indeed highlight the other issues of intimacy and connection in our marriage and me hoping or believing that maybe the whole awful situation was going to be that "awakening" to a brighter and better future.... but we keep just slipping back, and I am desperately stuck waiting and hoping and believing that we can find the good to come from all of this, but I just dont seem to be able to find the "how".
I think what hit me from this post was the paragraph where you write about the Husband in the Dear Sugar letter - the Husband who, despite all the hurt, took his own part in the problems of the marriage and faced them. That person has to be me in our scenario. I need to be accepting that despite all the hurt, H acted out partly because we had lost our own connection in our relationship. And that requires BOTH of us to work at rebuilding it. Yet despite knowing all the rules, all the tricks, reading all the Gottman Institute articles, having had months of therapy and reading countless books... I still can't do it. I am still hurting too much to open up to him, to want to kiss him goodbye each morning and goodnight as we go to bed. I hadn't come across the Dear Sugar website before, and so read through the letters from the betrayed, and the responses that were written.
One of the letters was from a wife, betrayed by her husband with the babysitter. The responses to the letter were that sometimes it is just too much. Sometimes you just can't regain that level of intimacy that you had hoped for. The more I read and hear of people who find light after an affair, and feel that while they would never wish to have experienced the affair, they can see positives from the aftermath... the more I understand this can be possible, the more I start to feel that it isn't maybe something you can chose to be possible, however much you want it. And I want it so badly, but seem stuck and unable to push myself forward to achieve it.
Oh, Ali. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. To have "countless" mini D-days over the years, and a six-month process of getting to the truth, is beyond exhausting. It must feel like some essential part of you has been eroded in all this awful trauma.
DeleteI have given a lot of thought to this seemingly-accepted wisdom that although the person who cheats is fully responsible for the affair, both people in the relationship are responsible for making that relationship vulnerable to an affair. (Even just writing that sentence has some inner part of me screaming "NO!") This is what the Gottman Institute teaches, it's what Mira Kirshenbaum says... but I just don't think it's always true. I think there are plenty of cases in which one person is doing all kinds of work to make the relationship healthy and strong, but despite all that the cheater still goes out and cheats.
I also feel a strong negative gut reaction to it because despite all the caveats people put on it ("Don't get me wrong! There's no justification for cheating! But..."), making this statement about shared blame for the weakness of the relationship in the next breath still feels like the cheater is being offered a slightly easier time because some of the blame for his repugnant actions is being shifted over onto the person he betrayed.
As far as I can tell from your description, one of three things is happening to you.
1. You are finding it impossible to stomach the whole "blame on both sides for having a weak relationship" thing because you don't want to see any blame shifted away from your husband. It feels safer to pin him to the wall with a big fat thumbtack of 100% blame.
2. You are finding it impossible to stomach the whole "blame on both sides for having a weak relationship" thing because in your case, it's not true. I think there are a lot of cases like this: normal couple, normal problems, but one person thinks life is supposed to be magically free of all disappointment and conflict, and cheats in search of that magical fairy tale relationship in which nothing is ever wrong.
3. You know you're supposed to do the whole "blame on both sides for having a weak relationship" thing... but you just don't want to because deep down, you're done. There was a bottom line and he crossed it. There was a deal-breaker somewhere in there and he broke it.
Chapter 3 of Mira Kirshenbaum's book "I Love You But I Don't Trust You" is entitled "Is it worth trying to mend this relationship?" There are some guidelines that she highlights that I think would be very useful for you. One is: "suppose that you had an absolute guarantee: God himself said that the other person would never do this again. Bang, you're safe... But does that make everything okay for you? For many of us it doesn't." She calls this "spoilage" and asks "Does the fact that this betrayal happened ruin everything for you?"
Ali, I thought about this one long and hard. I'm still thinking about it, honestly. I think it takes a long time -- maybe a year or two -- for the answer to bubble up slowly from inside. You might be around that time.
There came a point for me when I wanted Science to come in and help me. I asked my therapist "Aren't there any validated questionnaires I can use to just give me an answer about what to do?!"
Turns out, there kind of are. In his book "What Makes Love Last?," John Gottman has three very useful questionnaires. I recommend doing all three. I also recommend letting the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum guide you. It's not scientifically validated but it's developed on the basis of many years of clinical work.
The scores I got on some of those questionnaires surprised me. And having the objectivity of the scale really reassured me.
This is brave work you're doing Ali. In the words of Glennon Doyle: Carry on, Warrior.
Ali,
DeleteI think Chinook has really given you some valuable insight. My husband is a sex addict and I refuse to accept responsibility for behaviour that began even before he knew me. I just don't buy it that you were in ANY way responsible for his acting out. You were NOT. Each of us contribute to a marriage, of course. But a sex addict is essentially self-soothing for feelings that he can't manage. He numbs himself, distracts himself. An addict is an addict. Fully responsible for the choices he makes. I hadn't a clue what my husband was doing for the first 12 years of our relationship. I knew something was off...but I was reading books, encouraging "date nights", all the marriage counselling tricks to keep a marriage strong. It didn't matter. He was an addict and his behaviour was escalating because that's what happens in addiction until they seek help.
I wouldn't be surprised is you have some post-trauma from all this. Living with an addict (even when we don't know it) is traumatizing. There's a lot of gaslighting. We need to regain our footing and we need to leave it to them to manage their recovery while we heal ourselves. At two years, I was only barely beginning to see a sliver of light in the dark. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Learn to trust yourself. In the meantime, I hope your husband is working his own recovery. It will help him learn healthy intimacy and how to connect with someone, how to be vulnerable. It's hard. He has used sex as a way to self-soothe, not as a way to connect. But that's his problem to work through. You focus on you.
Ali, I'm with Elle. People are responsible for their own choices and although my marriage had it's flaws I did not choose to cheat. I will never accept responsibility for any of this mess. When I was unhappy I talked about it. Like Elle, I used different strategies to improve my marital life but my husband is/was an addict and he had faulty thinking way before I entered his life. This is on him and he has to heal himself and our marriage due to his choices. I am a few months out from my 4 year D-day and life our lives have settled down. I will own my own failures and frustrations in my marriage but I did not choose to cheat. There is little I disagree with in the Gottman teachings or any of other popular methods out there but I will never accept that "both sides" contributed to his cheating. FTS as Michelle says. He was unable and unwilling to even talk to me about his feelings and I had no idea. I am not responsible for that at all. He cheated on me off and on for 35 years. He is grateful I am still here but now that the truth has been uncovered there is no room in my life for choices like this again. He still tells me daily how grateful he is that I am still here. He knows that although I love him I will not tolerate any more poor choices on his part. If he can't control himself we are done. At two years I was still here and in serious pain. I did not think I would last two more years but I did. If it were not for my kids and grand kids and how much they love him I would have kicked him out and crushed him because of my pain. I am fortunate at this moment in time that my husband heard this wake up call and responded appropriately because he hated his life and all that he was doing and had become. He was disgusted with himself. I know this can change in a heartbeat with sex addicts. Hugs. This is hard.
DeleteAli it took me a long time to feel that there was good that could come of my husband's betrayal. I felt bad for myself for a long time. My husband had two sporadic affairs over ten years. It was just hard and can still be hard to wrap my head around. I too felt like I was in the same spot you are. And I would never wish it upon anyone but I can see the good that has come from it. And my husband and I have talked and neither of us thinks we could have gotten to that point without what he/we went through. I hate that it happened this way but what we have now(not perfect at all) is something I value.
DeleteFor me we set a time once a week to talk. I would journal every day. I looked at my daily notes to see what I needed to talk about. It was not easy and this took years. Things would go well but honestly when things felt too good or too much like pre dday I struggled. I always felt like something was wrong.
Even recently my husband had been out golfing two rounds, ate dinner and then got home a little later than planned. He had kept in touch so that was all good. But when he got home he went straight to the shower. That totally freaked me out since post dday he told me every time he came home and went straight to the shower he had been with one of the ow. He came out to me confronting him. He felt bad that I even had that thought. He struggles since things like that still hit me. My husband has done a 180. It took a long time. Figuring out everything related to the affairs was one aspect but then also how he was living his life. How to communicate, what his priorities are and are not. And honestly I think it will continue to evolve.
Hopeful,
DeleteYou and I are about the same time out if I remember correctly. I know my husband is sometimes surprised at how I react or what affects me. I think he is at a point where he is comfortable with all the changes he has made and confident in his commitment to our marriage. He is definitely a changed man but I carry the knowledge of what he was capable of and still struggle to separate old him and new him when something triggers me.
I continue to work on mindfulness and focusing on the present because I am prone to revert to behaviors that hurt me more than they help me. Sounds crazy but I admire my husband’s ability to completely turn his life around because change does not come easily to me.
Dandelion, I agree with everything you said. My husband is the same way. And I think that ability made it easier for him to cheat. Otherwise how could he do what he did, lie to my face and go on for 10 years?? I mean it is crazy when I think about it. I too have to work really hard to stay in the present. It is when those little things that come up and it is like someone has punched me in the stomach or I have some other physical reaction. All I can think is this must be PTSD. It is so strong and no matter what my mind tells me I am rocked to the core. He still thinks about it but he tells me that he is such a different person and it could never happen ever. He said it is like he was another person. I try to also focus on lots of positive self talk.
DeleteHopeful 30, I'm sorry to hear that you still have these stomach-punch moments. If I remember correctly, you are several years out from D-Day.
DeleteHave you ever considered a form of therapy called EMDR?
I first heard about it here, from Elle, then a few months later randomly found a highly reputable therapist specializing trauma who does EMDR. (She has excellent academic credentials and works at one of the major research hospitals in this part of the country.)
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and the gist of it is this: it takes those traumatic experiences which still feel like they are very much in the present and helps your brain store them in the past, where they belong. My education is all in science so I was skeptical at first, but the theory for how it works is just as reasonable as the theory for most accepted forms of therapy, and there is some evidence to support its effectiveness in PTSD.
You said that you think "this must be PTSD". It certainly sounds like it is (e.g., "no matter what my mind tells me I am rocked to the core"). Have you seen someone to talk about your experiences?
I think I remember you writing that your husband is in a health care profession. When that dynamic exists, there can be a tendency to defer to the person with more "expertise" (i.e., the person with more education or clinical experience in a given area). But the risk there is that objectivity can be compromised. Also we tend to speak more freely with outside professionals than we do with people with whom we are in close relationships. Just some thoughts.
Hopeful 30, your post hit home. As you know, you are a little bit past me for D-day and last night I was doing something and my husband called me in to watch a news segment on internet gaming addiction because I have a game I love to play on my phone and it drives him nuts. Anyway the story was about a woman in Washington who spent $400K on her internet gaming without her husband knowing about it. After it was over I told him that I did not have an addiction and had never spent a dime buying tokens to play longer. He said in a very animated voice, "Well you better not ever do that!" Oh man, did I go to a dark place and it took everything I had to not smack him and say, "You spend thousands on whores and you're telling me not to do something like that!" Seriously? I let it pass and was going to say something when we went to bed but realized that I did not want to open that box again. I suspect he did not even associate the two things. Just when you least expect it some little turd hits the fan. Luckily I'm in a good place emotionally now.
DeleteChinook, Thank you for your reply! You have a great memory. I have heard of it and read up on it some. I have not sought it out. My husband is a mental health professional.... I did see a therapist but traveled far since his business is the go to spot in town and everyone knows him. I also have heard enough to know about others where I live and everyone else gets negative ratings or they are faith based which is not for me. I felt my therapist was helpful and often I think of even going back to that too. I will look into it again. It is maddening since I know in my mind what reality is but it is that feeling of being overcome by it all.
DeleteBeach Girl ... hell yeah sister and my my what a ways weve come hey ... sometimes i still spat at him and ither times like you did last night i now refrain it never feels good when it does slip out and your right half the time i believe their compartmentalization mind doesnt even connect the dots but we do!!! If it eats at you however please do bring it up .. ok perhaps not in rage or a told you so but a remember the other night... that kinda got me feeling a certian way ...
DeleteBeach Girl, I have had many similar situations with my husband. It is so upsetting. It goes beyond watching a movie or show and it coming up. For me it is that judgement of him saying you better not do that. And like you said you have never done anything like that ever. At times I wonder am I really making it or faking it? So many aspects of our relationship are great. One thing stuck with me about five months in after dday 2. It was such a low point, I was becoming physically ill with a respiratory illness and other things. I think I was so worn down from it all. Well he told me he was concerned he had done too much damage and irreparable damage. I know there is no perfect and there is a lot that is good but often when these things happen I wonder would it be better if I was alone.
DeleteI am shocked how it does not occur to them these connections. My husband and I have talked about it. His response has been he is such a different person and he would never do it even if we were not together and it was someone else. He says he has changed who he is.
Thanks Wounded and Hopeful 30. It shocked me too when he said it and he said it again this morning so I am now prepared to say something to him if he says it again. I might bring it up anyway but hitting him with this after the fact is like trying to punish a kid the day after they broke something. He was a master compartmentalizer although he is so much better now he tells me. I am still amazed at the level of conversation we have on a daily basis on pretty much everything although we rarely speak of his past. I read another blog written by the wife of a SA that is pretty awesome and one of her recent posts speaks of triggers as memories as she is not longer triggered as much as things bring up memories. The situation with my husband that just happened is more like a memory than a trigger now. It reminds me of how short sighted and oblivious he is to some of the things he says to me. This, by far, was the hardest. It just hit my gut. Hopeful 30, my husband feels like a totally different man too. I wonder if the fact that you and I are on a similar timeline means they think we have forgotten? Another blog I read had a great analogy to breaking a plate. The name of her blog is "Making this better - A blog to help and give hope to all those driven mad by infidelity" The name of the other blog with the post about memories is "try not to cry on my rainbow" I always come here first but they also have a lot to say.
DeleteBeach Girl, I know my husband thinks I am in the same place as him. He says he knows he is doing nothing wrong so he does not connect the dots to his past. I continue to explain to him that I do not think he is doing anything however it is how it connects to those memories and also about the life I want today with that in our past. Some days I feel like we are speaking different foreign languages. Or that we are not compatible. I always thought we were so like minded. We grew up together college forward during those formative years. But the more I go through this the more I see huge differences in who we are and how we live our lives. I don't think I need someone to be just like me but I wonder about this.
DeleteMy big issues when things come up is our kids are around most of the time. I do not want to yell at him but honestly there seems to never be a time to bring things up these days. I find myself being short or snappy. I cannot say what I really want to since they are around.
Thanks for the other blog recommendations. I always like having other resources and seeing others perspectives.
Hopeful 30, I'm not sure what my husband thinks about where I am in the process but I can confirm that when any little thing happens and he is frustrated or upset and I happen to show up, say something or whatever, he is very quick to apologize to me and tell me it was nothing I did or said. It was something going on with him in the moment or in his head. We are going through an incredibly difficult and challenging situation at the moment with our youngest son and his family. We are also in the process of getting a rental ready for sale and he is working there daily. Long days. I've thought about the past and those long days when he was alone and in his head fantasizing but he assures me that he never goes there anymore. We had an incident yesterday that was frustrating and I left without saying goodbye. He came running to the car and asked if I was planning to say goodbye and I think I said I already did but he quickly apologized for being short with me because he was frustrated over something that had nothing to do with me. This is an 100% change from pre-D-day and when he came home he again apologized. He is feeling really stressed out and has been having irregular heart beats daily for the past several weeks. He has a cardiologist appointment next week and he fears he will have a heart attack and die, just when his life is getting on track and we are communicating pretty well most of the time. I do confess that I am at a point where I see that his choices have taken a toll on his health. I told him a few days ago that he can still make different choices in food and drink. My health has diminished also since this happened and at 68 I have fewer years to "fix" it but I'm working on it. When these things came up twice we were getting ready for bed and I just didn't want to spend a sleepless night talking about it. I also though we were compatible to the 9's but boy was I wrong about him. I am as prepared as I possibly can be to be widowed. I cannot imagine marrying again under any circumstance. Have a nice weekend.
DeleteI am so sorry about everything you are dealing with. I do notice that we struggle more when we are more stressed. What you describe is our every day. Work is very intense for both of us. But he is really busy and he does not handle that as well as I do. And our kids are great but they are a major stress in our life. I just feel more tension lately. We try to scale back as much as we can and do things to take care of ourselves and our marriage but it is becoming harder and harder. This reminds me of pre dday. My anxiety is so high right now. Too many reasons to share here. He tells me he does not think about it all. And that just reminds me of how he dealt with everything pre dday. Ugh it is just so hard sometimes. Hang in there and thanks for your post!
DeleteThank you everyone.... I never realised how amazing it can feel to have people actually listen, think, and respond to what you write. I looked back at the website to see if there were any more posts (despite not having any emails, so knew really there wouldnt be) and instead found this wonderful list of replies to what I wrote. And I cannot thank you all enough.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, what Chinook picked up on in my message was me maybe saying that I was partly responsible for the actions of H.... which probably is partly how I feel deep down, but actually I think what I was trying to say, is that now this is where we are - it is out in the open, he is "sober", and we are trying to rebuild - NOW is when I feel I should be doing more. I know I didn't show affection (love languages/upbringing/personality and all that - we are quite opposite and it was often a cause of arguements during his addiction, which he then used to fuel and excuse his behaviours to himself) before, and while I do NOT think that excuses his behaviour or makes me to blame for his affairs, I do recognise it as a problem, but I just dont seem able to change. I think that is what is worrying me. I WANT to love him, feel attractive and attracted to him, initiate a hug, but currently even making eye contact is hard. I feel completely isolated and lonely in our own marriage. And he is trying. Maybe not as much as I expected (the days he has demonstrated remorse for what he did are limited, although I know he hates himself for it) - I think we are both just really really stuck.
Hopeful30, I think you wrote something which made me realise we tried to get past this too fast. Not purposefully, but we didnt chose to keep the hurt at the surface so we could process it. Instead, I think it buried itself, and H was happy to tell himself it had been done, I was willing to let it bury inside in order to try and let life go back to normal. I think there are a few reasons I did that - the obvious one of living in a constant feeling of grief and sadness and betrayal is just horrid. I think the other reason is that talking does bond us, but it began to feel like our only source of connection was through trauma - that I was "dragging out" the hurt and that was the only thing that connected us. It is so complicated. I could write for hours on here and still not understand what I am trying to say. But, I think that in hindsight, we havent talked enough. I do keep a journal but rarely share what I write. Hopeful 30, you said you talked weekly, and for years. We maybe talked weekly for a few months, had some intensive therapy, then talk sporadically but it isnt formalised. I read one book by Andrew Marshall "how can I ever trust you again" - it talks about a stage called "attempted normality" after an affair. I recognise most our married life has been living in this way - pretending everything is OK but not living together as a unit, and the betrayal never being dealt with... I was determined to avoid ending back up there this time around but fear that is where we are stuck again. BUt I feel also like now it isnt just H who has to work to get us out, I should be doing stuff too. I just feel paralysed and unable to do so.
Hi Ali,
DeleteI'm so glad these replies were useful. When I read this, your August 13 comment, part of me wanted to give you a standing ovation because although you describe feeling lost, confused and stuck, what I see is that you are doing exactly what you need to do to work through a very complex situation. You are questioning yourself and questioning him, you are being open to various ideas without ignoring your instincts, and you are doing the right things by seeking out information from books and from the women who have been up this mountain before you.
First off, that's fantastic that you know that you want to love him and feel attracted to him. You know which direction you want to go in. That's gold.
You also already know that you're stuck; that something is (or maybe several things are) holding you back from moving in the direction you have already identified wanting to go in.
It sounds to me like you're standing at the road and you'd like to start walking it, and there's a suitcase you need to bring (which is all the stuff from your past) but you are discovering that the suitcase is blocking your way and it's too heavy to lift.
It sounds like you already know that you are going to have to unpack that suitcase. Unpacking it is scary but it's the only way you can look through the contents to figure out what the heavy thing is that needs to be thrown out so that you can pick up everything else and start walking. There's just no other way.
Wanting to "get past it" quickly is totally normal. No one wants to sit in pain -- not the betrayed and definitely not the person who cheated. But healing simply cannot be rushed and I'm skeptical that it can ever be tidy. It takes the time it takes and it takes the dredging that it takes. A very disgusting analogy (sorry in advance) is debriding a bad burn. It's a long and gross process and it seems at times like it's just deliberately getting in the way of healing, but it's actually very necessary because if you don't get all the dead tissue out (again, sorry!) the wound will never heal properly.
You write that "living in a constant feeling of grief and sadness and betrayal is just horrid" and I couldn't agree more. It's horrible. It's also necessary to healing, as you said in your post. It's also, sometimes, just an inevitable part of being human. Pain is an important teacher.
It sounds like you already know what you need to do, which is to start a conversation with your husband about how you feel, and tell him that you need to expand that into an ongoing dialogue. If he (or both of you) are wary that it could get too all-consuming, put limits on it: twice weekly conversations on the couch of no more than 90 minutes at a time.
Something that I've been trying to communicate to my husband is that, when I bring up a problem, I'm not bringing it up to make him feel guilty or remind him that he was a jerk. I'm doing it because I want us both to work on the problem so that we can be stronger.
This is contrary to how I operated for a long time, so I can see why he's wary. For a long while after I uncovered his affair, it was "Me vs. Him". (After all, that's what he made it when he started dating someone else behind my back: he made it him and his girlfriend versus me and our marriage.)
But when I decided that he had earned a second chance through months of atonement and therapy, I had to make the tough commitment to having it become "us vs. the affair".
Healing is so, so complicated, Ali, and I struggle with all these same issues too, sometimes daily. I'm only a year into this whole adventure but Elle and others assure me that it does get easier. I take it on faith that it does.
Hang in there, fellow Warrior.
Ali, I do think it is normal to want to get through the recovery. Who does not want to get past it all?? I know for a while it was all I could talk about. It was too much even for me. It was a phase though I needed to get through. For my husband he has told me it is hard to face it all and talk about it. For him it is a reminder of how he almost destroyed our marriage and family. He also knows he is responsible for the pain and could have dealt with any issues he had in a better way. The talking weekly thing was really important. And it did start dealing with the pain, hurt, details etc. Then it has moved more to who we are individually, our marriage, communication etc. For me it was hard when things felt normal. To me it felt like pre dday all over again. I needed life to feel different. Not that it was any guarantee but I craved that.
DeleteWhat has worked for me is to really focus on myself and my thoughts. It took a while to get there. I needed to decide what I want and need. And all aspects of my life too. Not just related to him. It has been a big change for my husband. I go with the flow less often now and challenge him more. I used to be more easy going but I decided I need to look at myself and that is the only thing I can control in the end. Also if I want or need something I tell him. Whether it is I want him to always do the dishes, call me over his lunch, go out to a specific restaurant for our anniversary. I also do praise and reinforce when I like something he does or says. At first I felt like I was dealing with my kids but I decided I need to tell him when I like what he does. I never did that before. Over time a lot of these little changes for me added up.
Keep sharing and checking as much as you like. It is great to hear from you!
Ali, I am so late to this party. whew girl. Sex addict husband. Me too. those d-days are a nightmare especially when the come through bits and pieces through trickle truth (which is what I went through after D-day 1 and then had a 2nd D Day a couple of years later-now over three years ago). My H documented his stuff online on some webboard for guys who used hookers (UGH, i got every detail) you just cannot push yourself, there is no way to do it. YES, I got through it.I did some weird stuff along the way to try to get through it, i saw the parallels that I had with my mom who was married to my incredibly kind and wretchedly alcoholic father. I was able to identify the issues that I had, that played right into his issues. no matter that this was though, his issue sure was not about me, and your H's ?it's not about you. I really hope your husband is not putting one ounce of blame on you. He brought this issue into your partnership. If he had been an alcoholic (as mine is, i got the double bonus here, but he's sober now outside of a few slips) you could have made him the worlds best iced tea every day, every damn day and he STILL would have found a way to get a beer down his throat.
ReplyDeletei was pretty far along after two years and i never believed I would experience a 2nd D-day. This one has taken much much longer to get over, and I am not 100 percent through it. I love him, I almost trust him, on the day to day our life is REALLY good, but I am not back to where i was healing after d-day 1. then i learned everything I could about affairs, because I did not know he was a sex addict,, he lied to me and to our therapist and I am not sure that he thought him self as one (does anyone)? The best thing I can tell you is to work on you. Your happiness, your well being, your self worth, set boundries. You can support him of course and be is best cheerleader, and maybe in time the feelings will come back. Maybe they wont, but no matter what happens, if you work on you you'll be much healthier in 6 months, a year, a couple of years, a few more years.--time is going to pass--make the most of it. Hopefully he fits in with a healthier happier you. HIS issue has nothing to do with you, so dont accept one bit of blame woman, you were in the same relationship that he was. You didnt choose to cheat. Hugs