Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Guest Post: We Can Be The Alchemists

by Chinook

Last week, someone new to Betrayed Wives Club posted a message. She is only a few weeks (weeks!) past D-Day and, as we all know, the pain at that early stage is horrific. 

I was struck by so much of her post but most especially by the excruciating hope in this question: “Is there a chance that we could get help for our issues and carry onto an even better relationship than before?”

The question broke my heart with its familiarity, which is what prompted me to write something on this website for the first time. I only discovered Betrayed Wives Club six months after D-day. By then I had done a remarkable amount of learning and growing. Still, I gobbled up the posts here, ordered Elle’s book and read it straight through in 24 hours (highly recommended). I was so, so hungry for narratives of couples who had made it through affairs and were happy.

What I have come to understand, on the doorstep of my one-year D-Day antiversary, is that what I actually needed to read (although I didn’t know it at the time) were stories of women who had made it through being cheated on and were happy; not couples who had made it through. Sure, it would have been more comforting to read the narratives of couples who were happy. Part of me clung to the argument put forward by Esther Perel that it is possible for couples to use the trauma of the affair as an opportunity to do a post-mortem, figure out what went wrong in their marriage, and decide to have a new and healthier relationship together. (If you haven’t seen or read or heard Esther Perel’s stuff, start with her TED Talk entitled “Rethinking infidelity”.) But it was more helpful and realistic and empowering for me to read/hear the narratives of women who made it through. 

I can’t control what happens in my relationship — it take two to make it a success — but I can control what I do with my own mind and heart. 

What I wrote to this newly wounded woman is this: 

Yes, I did find one or two narratives of people who made it through infidelity as a couple and thrived, although I’m not sure how much I trust their exuberance. The best example is Beyoncé. Her entire video album, Lemonade, is about the experience of being cheated on and recovering from the trauma. (Making lemonade out of lemons.) The introductory poetry for each video, written by the great poet Warsan Shire, is haunting (example: “So what are you going to say at my funeral, now that you've killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head.”)The extraordinary power of the last song, Redemption, will give you chills. (“True love brought salvation back into me. With every tear came redemption, and my torturer became my remedy.”)

As a side note: if Beyoncé can be cheated on, literally anyone can be cheated on. Her decision to make Jay-Z’s betrayal into a story in which she, Beyoncé, is the hero, is brilliant and it’s also what I’ve tried to do. I am the hero of the story of my husband’s affair. Why? Because I choose to be. Why should I let anyone else — the other woman, my husband, societal expectations — be in charge of the narrative?

Getting back to stories about couples who lived through affairs, I found a lot more narratives of people who tried to reconcile but ultimately the marriage ended. But just to be clear: these are not stories of failure. “Love Warrior” by Glennon Doyle is a great example. (Another side note: Part Two of the book describes the experience of the trauma of infidelity in a way that was bang on for me. Did anyone else find that?) Glennon Doyle has spoken about the fact that when she put herself back together again after the betrayal, she discovered that despite all the love she and her (now ex-)husband put into reconciliation, she just didn’t fit her old life.

Mostly, what I found were narratives of people for whom reconciliation wasn’t even an option, sometimes because the cheater wanted out and sometimes because the betrayed would not consider it. But again: those can be empowering stories, too. I have five friends and acquaintances who have been cheated on and were in this camp (which sounds like a lot but I know a LOT of people): two had no interest in reconciling because the betrayal was so horrible, and the other three had spouses (one was a man whose wife cheated, two were women whose husbands did) who just wanted to leave. 

And you know what? All of those people are really, genuinely happy now. Things didn’t go the way they wanted, but they still ended up happy. Three are happily in new marriages or marriage-like relationships. (And actually, now that I think about it, all three are with people who are way nicer but also WAY HOTTER than their exes.) The other two are happily single by choice.

The most useful narratives for me, regardless of the outcome of the marriage/relationship, came from people who used the experience of being cheated on as a catapult that propelled them to enormous growth. 

Pain can be rocket fuel if you let it be. 

Those are the narratives I chose to emulate. How is it working out for me? Nearly a year later, I feel more powerful than I have in years and I feel more grounded than I ever have. 

You can’t know how your marriage—or indeed any marriage—is going to turn out. All you can do is take the next right step, as Glennon Doyle writes. It’s like driving in fog: you can only see as far as your headlights. I’m tempted to extend the metaphor by saying that something you can control as you make your way through that fog is the grace with which you are driving.

Of all the lyrics from Beyoncé’s “Lemonade” album, these are my favourites: 

Grandmother, the alchemist
You spun gold out of this hard life
Conjured beauty from the things left behind
Found healing where it did not live
Discovered the antidote in your own kitchen
Broke the curse with your own two hands

My fellow warriors, we can be the alchemists, too.

Let’s spin gold together.


15 comments:

  1. This is so beautifully written. Thank you! I totally agree that it was better for me to hear stories of women surviving rather than marriages. In the beginning, it felt like I could survive only if I found a way to fix my marriage, but now I see it the other way around. I loved you saying pain can be rocket fuel. The way I continued to put one foot in front of the other in my darkest days makes me proud still today. Those small steps added together over time have landed me in a completely different marriage (with the same man), and I experience so much more joy than before. My "rocket" felt like a snail in those days, but I used my pain to move me nonetheless. Thanks for writing this. We can all be heroes of this story regardless of how long our marriages last.

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed the post, Ann. And I'm so happy that feel proud of the courage and resilience you chose back when the days were darkest. You honoured yourself with your choices.

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  2. Yes, i am proudly said that i am stronger as to compare to a year ago.

    Last 2 weeks mark 1 year since we'd separated. I feel that i am getting better bit by bit each day. I always tell myself, it's ok to be sad, it's ok to miss them or those sweet time we spend together but this doesn't mean that we must take them back in our life again because he show no respect and remorse.

    Be strong and fight it through. Keep walking through the storm warriors, rainbow is waiting at the other side.

    Lost_AA

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    1. Lost_AA, thank you for sharing. No respect? No remorse? There is only one option when someone treats us that way. Happy anniversary of making the painful and right choice to honour yourself.

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    2. Hi Chinook,
      Yes, he basically ignored me since the day he requested for divorced a year ago. He didn't admit on his affair but it is so obvious. They've been to travel together a month after we separated. He overnight at her place every weekend, car pool to work and lunch together everyday. (3 of us working in the same company) and the OW is showing off and staring at me whenever she saw me in the corridor-trying to claim that she is the winner and i am the loser.
      He told me that he is proud of himself making the decision for divorce. Ever since, he didn't talked to me at all. He forced me to move out the house and refuse to meet me too. Whenever he wanted to pass me stuff, he will ask his mum to do it.

      Lost_AA

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  3. YES chinook YES! Hopefully, we all find what we need and I am so glad you did. I needed statistics, which was very odd because I am not a math/stats person at all. I wanted cold hard numbers on who made it, who didn't, who was happy, who was not, what they talked about and what they did.
    I also needed an exit plan and boundaries, and I needed stories of how people actually did that. i always tended to react instead of setting expectations up front.

    Great resources are here in the "books for the betrayed' tab. Starting with Elle's book!!


    I haven't quite REALLY thought too hard or talked too much lately, about how "we" are doing, as it only really comes up with the few people who know about his affairs/sex addiction. And you will never find me in that enthusiasm camp of "it ended up being the best thing" Gag. I think we're doing pretty well.

    Those dark times can still be dredged up, but there's not often a reason to excavate them. We feel better together than we did before and i feel we're on the normal 20 year track.
    On the other hand KNOW that I am doing well, 5.5 and 3 years out I made it thought this thing that was MUCH bigger than a bump in the road (you know, that absolute torture)...and many days I realize I'm really sort of thriving! yes, be your own heroes ladies, spin that gold, do it! Great advice Chinook!

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    1. Steam, I was the same way early on. I wanted facts/statistics about all this stuff. I was desperate for information about the "recovery" rate of sex addicts and how in the hell my husband could stay away from the fantasy candyland he lived in his head. I wanted to read about women who survived and made their way from the brokenness of a marriage they thought was good or at least good enough. Chinook, you are amazing. Overall I am doing well as an individual and as part of a married couple. Better than I ever thought possible four years ago. I had a major emotional event two days ago that was short lived and today I am much better with just a few remnants of emotion pain.

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    2. Steam and Beach Girl,

      Thank you for reading and for your very kind comments. I, too, wanted facts and statistics in those early days but I couldn't find any that were reliable; there just weren't any scientifically robust studies.

      When my search for hard, reliable facts yielded nothing I could hang my heart on, I had to acknowledge this truth: it doesn't really matter what the average is. Nothing I could have found would be predictive of my situation.

      Like you, I cannot stand the exuberant "it ended up being the best thing that ever happened!!!" statement. Just typing it makes me feel like throwing up. Is it because that statement seems to let the cheater off the hook for his (or her) profoundly traumatizing behavior? Is it because it minimizes all the HARD WORK done by the betrayed to make lemonade? Is it because all that exuberance seems to lack nuance, and neither pain nor human relationships are ever free of nuance? Maybe all three, and more.

      I will say this, though: my husband and I could not have the relationship we have now without the crisis we went through. My husband has told me that it would have been impossible for him to undergo the transformation he has undergone in the last year without blowing up his entire life the way he did. Also, it took a crisis to catapult me out of the deep fjord of self-sacrifice in which I had been living for my entire adolescent and adult life. I had been living in it for so long that I didn't even realize the extent to which it was holding me hostage and making me unhappy.

      But more on that another day.

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    3. Oh yes, I will never be in that "it was the best thing that ever happened to me corner" Steam. I'd would have much preferred to be in the corner where my husband came to me 40 years ago and told me about all the demons in his head and asked for my help. That being said, I feel like I earned my place to be right here where I am using boundaries, communication and a whole lot of self-care. My marriage relationship and overall relationship is better than I ever thought it could be and neither of us wants to ever go back. I won't accept anything less than this because I know I'm a Goddess and I have my motto, thanks to Michelle! You know, FTS! Love it and hoping everyone can hang on till the lightning stops and the sun shines again.

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  4. Chinook - so very well put!

    I have so many thoughts but can't seem to pull them into a sensible form.

    Thank you for this!

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  5. I love this! Prior to D-day, I only knew one person who had experienced infidelity and I didn't know anyone who had experienced infidelity in a marriage. When I found out, my world came crashing down and I was desperate to connect and learn about others who had experienced the same thing. I think you're right - it's not about learning about couples surviving (although that was certainly helpful to know when I wasn't ready to make any major decisions) but instead about learning about the individuals who survived and made it out of the fog. In the days and months following d-day, I lost a lot of close friends. They felt bad for what I was going through but couldn't support my decision to stay. I was (am) the first person in my social group to go through this. Most didn't know how to react. But those that did support me and even *tried* to understand my decision are some of the people I hold closest. This experience has given me a different outlook on so many things - especially with how I judge others.

    I am just over a year since d-day 1 and 6 months since d-day 2 and I can honestly say too that I feel more powerful and grounded than ever before.

    To those in the early days - it WILL get better, regardless of your decision. Take care of yourself. Your redemption song is already being written.

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  6. Chinook
    You said it well! I will never believe that it was the best thing to happen to our marriage! I’m sorry he and I both lived through this shit! I know I was a strong independent woman before and I know I am even stronger now but I sure as hell wish he would have chosen a different path for his loneliness! He does too but well he didn’t and now he has to live with his shame and deal with it daily...I appreciate you sharing with this group!

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  7. I remember going through a box of things my daughter took to my husband on dday. It had pictures of all of us, drawings the kids did and some more personal things. This was maybe a month after dday. When he got the box back he stuck it in the garage. One day while he was at his therapist I went looking for box. In my gut I knew that the OW had stuck something in this box. What I found inside from the OW was a sympathy card that was made out to him and her. The card said "When life gives you lemons sometimes you don't want to make lemonade, you just want to lay in bed and cover your head" Then this person signed it sorry you two can't be together. I wish I could have read this post then. Then I would have rationalized things a little better. The shock that I felt was unbelievable. My h told me she had a stack of sympathy cards. I never had done anything mean or disrespectful to these women. I treated them with respect. I didn't feel grounded or powerful until years later. My husband lives with shame about what he did but together we have grown and so has our marriage.

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  8. I'm not particularly religious, but it occurred to me early on that it's no accident that the most important story of one of the world's foremost religions is one of betrayal, suffering & resurrection. And I thought perhaps we're not victims, but chosen. Chosen to walk this sacred path & learn everything we can from it. That idea was my rocket fuel into self-reflection, better understanding & personal redemption. It seems like a crazy notion early on, but I truly believe if approached with that attitude, that the victims of infidelity end up the winners, no matter what the happens to their marriages.

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