There have been a lot of comments lately on sites from women frustrated that their healing is taking so long. They feel as though their pain is a burden to their friends and family, they wonder if they're not doing it right. I felt that too, at one point in my life. Which is why I was so struck by the comment that inspired this older post. I'm re-posting it again in the hopes that inspires all of you to be patient and gentle with yourselves. Read on, beloved warriors:
"Blessed are they who just aren't ready to be 'over it yet'," Nadia Bolz-Weber spoke from the pulpit. The stand-up comic-turned-pastor and author was offering up her list of blessings, which also included "blessed is the teenage girl who wonders how, again, she's going to cover the new cuts on her arms" and "blessed are the addicts", from the front of a dazzling Episcopal church in Michigan.
Her blessing stopped me.
"Blessed are they who just aren't ready to be 'over it yet'."
Wow.
Blessed.
What a difference, huh?
What a difference from our usual response. The exasperation. The eye-rolling. The gritted teeth, fist-clenched frustration with those – including, especially, ourselves – who just 'aren't over it yet'.
Pain makes us horribly uncomfortable. So we try to make it go away by finding the right words. Reading the right book. Hitting on the right response. Discovering the magical solution that makes the pain dissolve.
And so we read. And we run. And we downward dog. And we write. And we treat ourselves to pedicures and new shoes. And we pour ourselves another glass of wine.
And it works.
And then it doesn't.
The pain is still there.
We're not 'over it yet'.
So we chastise ourselves. Or we believe others when they chastise us. "It's been six months," we/they say. "It's been three years."
Aren't you over it yet?
What's wrong with you?
"Blessed are they who just aren't ready to be 'over it yet'."
Nothing. There is nothing 'wrong' with you.
You're not 'over it yet' because you're not over it yet.
Bolz-Weber isn't speaking about an unwillingness to be 'over it.' She's speaking to an unreadiness. The wound is deep. Healing will happen in layers. Layers over layers over layers of mercy.
Your pain isn't a tumour to be removed. It is a message written on our hearts. It tells a story. And right now, that story is still unfolding. Right now, you're not 'over it yet'.
I'm not 'over it yet'. I don't ever anticipate being 'over it'.
I am past it. The worst of it, anyway.
But the story of my pain is still visible on my heart. It's visible when I learn about another one of us cast into this club we never wanted to be a part of. It's audible when I speak the words "me too" into another ear. It's visceral when I pull someone into a hug, when I look into her eyes and see the story of pain on her heart.
It's different now, my pain. The story on my heart is still written there but the edges aren't so sharp. It reads more like poetry now.
And it tells about a woman who was shattered by betrayal. A woman who, guided and supported by other women, found the strength to get back on her feet. A woman who refused to 'get over it' on anyone's schedule but her own. Who trusted her own heart, over time, to lead the way.
It's a story of you too. And it's not over.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I saw a quote today that said "Keep hanging out with yourself until you are you again" @ peaceful mind peaceful life. I thought it was fitting for what we have all gone through and are still going through.
ReplyDeleteSounds about right. It can time to feel like ourselves, and the new self is going to feel a bit different but, in my case, I liked her a whole lot better.
DeleteI was a me too...still pinches my heart occasionally...I’m dealing with a major health issue and I’m glad my h is stepping up to help me through the pain of possible surgery just as he did with the pain from his betrayal...
ReplyDeleteFeel better Theresa. I hope you don't go through surgery.
DeleteI watched over the years how strong you truly are.
Oh, I'm sorry Theresa. Sending you a whole lot of love to get you through. And glad that your husband is stepping up.
DeleteTheresa I hope you get through this health hurdle quickly. Sending you a warm hug.
DeleteI will never 'get over it'. I will live with it inside me for a lifetime - because the pain has been renewal and re-purposing for myself, my husband and my marriage. We can stand stronger because it is in us. And I am 3 years D-Day - the pain is still strong, however, it does not control. It continues to remind me that I am stronger.
ReplyDeleteThat's about where I was at 3 years. I could see the changes -- and they were mostly good -- but the renovation wasn't complete.
DeleteSS. You have been my champion on here.
Delete#myheartbreakmyrules
ReplyDeleteI'm starting to see the healing in myself. It's been a SLOW progress. I'm heavier than I've been in a long time. But for the first time I can look in the mirror and like the person I am. I'm able to see past the fluff, the bags under my eyes, the gray hairs, the aging ... and see that I like ME as a person.
Now ... I just have to really hone in on who this person is. What does she like? What are her goals? How does the future need to look?
And I'll be honest. This scares my WS. He's sensing the shift and he knows what it means. He's laid dormant for so long and just did the status quo. It worked for him for 17 years. But now, I'm not willing to live in the status quo.
The winds of change of blowing. I can't wait to figure out where they are going.
Kimberly,
Deleteif the winds are change are blowing then adjust your sails so that you're going in the direction YOU want. Sounds like your'e already doing that. And yes, it will make your husband uncomfortable. Once we reclaim our power, and make it clear that the status quo just isn't going to work for us (not like it ever did), it makes those around us squirm. But he can either get with the new program or get left behind.
Kimberley,
DeleteI really appreciated the reply you wrote to my message last week - it is so comforting to know some days that I am "not alone". It is also encouraging to know that you are managing to drag yourself out the other side of all this, and reminds me of where I want to be.
Im also the heaviest I have been, and look in the mirror to see the lines marking my face, the bags under my eyes, but Im not yet able to make that shift to accepting the reflection - it still causes me anger, as I am reminded that the years when I was slimmer, happier and youthful were essentially wasted in an unhappy and unsupportive (and obviously in hindsight adulterous) relationship where I was constantly fighting for the attention of my H who was either depressed or cheating on me. I am trying so hard to accept these changes as part of ageing, and not fight them - I desperately do NOT want to turn into a bitter, regretful person, but still feel myself sliding down that slope currently. I also find myself looking in the mirror and comparing myself the the photos and porn images I know my H previously was attracted to/sought affairs from, and it is hard to believe him when he now says he loves me, or is attracted to me, when I can only see negative changes from a body he previously rejected and cheated on.
I read your entry with hope that I can shift my mindset. I need to do it for me. I really hope I can find a strength that scares my H into a new reality - we currently haven't moved forward much beyond him quitting all the addict behaviour, and we talk more openly than we used to, but I dont think we have fundamentally changed our relationship - maybe he would disagree, I dont know. But for me it feels like we have just reverted to the same old ways, except Im more miserable, and he is "sober" but without any other big improvements.
Maybe I am being unfair. Either way, Im waiting for my winds of change to blow and feel like Im hitting my own version of "rock bottom" where that can't be too far away. I realised today I hold on to so much anger around all he did, and the waste of our marriage from age 20-35. I realised I don't want to be happy with him yet, because that still feels like I have accepted staying with someone who did what he did, and I haven't accepted it. I am massively conflicted between wanting to love and be happy with him, and hating the idea of loving and being happy with someone who hurt me to that depth. It feels quite crazy.
Anyway. You guys said to "keep writing", and it IS therapeutic to do that, so write I shall. Hopefully others might find that they too are "not alone" if they read this and aren't yet starting to feel those winds change, and are still in the "not ready to be over it" yet.
Ali - I realize that my reply to your post where I said I feel empty inside is a contradiction to this post where I say I like me.
DeleteI often feel like 2 different people.
When it comes to my marriage and my WH ... I feel empty inside. I've come to realize that my spouse is just not capable, willing, whatever other excuse he wants to use at the moment of being accountable for his actions. He has spent a lot of time in the last week telling me how depressed I look, how I should talk to my therapist about my meds and what they've done to me, etc.
But the truth is - my meds are helping me to like me. It's been a LONG LONG way coming. I have the benefit of having lost an extreme amount of weight - and still being unhappy. To putting on an extreme amount of weight - and still being unhappy. ; ) So I've put a lot of work into accepting the person I see in the mirror. She's beautiful. She's loving. She's compassionate. She's giving. She's intelligent. She's warm. She's open. She loves to laugh and dance and be goofy. She loves to sit and watch football with her littlest treasure (thank you hyperbonding!). She is making amends with broken relationships with family and in doing so she feels stronger.
Ali, it didn't happen over night. It didn't happen with meds. It helped with therapy but really ... it's a matter of waking up every morning and squaring off with the demons in my head.
I'll never be "good enough" for my spouse. Because he has NO idea what it is that he wants.
So for now - I'm good enough for me. And YOU are good enough for YOU!
Ali, I can so relate to everything you write. I too look back and feel like a lot of my life was wasted propping up this life for my husband to enjoy when he felt like it and brag about. His nice perfect happy shinny family. My husband had two sporadic affairs for ten years. One thing you said hit me. I remember feeling like I was in a great spot probably 2 years before dday, I was in the best shape, not just thin but doing well. I remember thinking he does not even notice me. I remember one day I walked through the bathroom with nothing on in front of him and he did not even acknowledge me. This is not something I normally do at all either. Later on i brought up asking him if something was going on, I asked specifically about other women etc. I got the reply of no never, I have never done anything, I would never do that to you or us... It was at that point I focused on me. It was kind of odd looking back. I knew in my gut but I was not sure what to do. Then dday came and I ended up beating myself up for a long time. But I finally came around to the fact that I did nothing wrong, he was the liar and the only thing I could have done would be to kick him out of the house.
DeleteThroughout this process of ups and downs over 4 1/2 + years of recovery I have learned a lot. I had a hard time accepting myself especially after two affairs with younger women willing to do anything etc. My husband and I had a lot of discussions about this it was a major barrier for me. In the end he just continued to tell me it was him. And he pointed out the most famous and beautiful people in the world get cheated on. Does not make it right but he really wanted me to understand that.
The other thing you bring up is we recovered from the affair and we both thought things were great. But then it felt like old times to me. That was hard for both of us to process. What it came down to for us that my husband "not" cheating was not enough for me to stay in the marriage. I needed more and wanted a different marriage. And as we thought about it then it made sense. Setting boundaries and expectation related to the affair was the starting point but then that extended to all aspects of our marriage and life together. It has not been easy since some of these habits are ingrained after so many years. But I stand firm that I am not staying in this marriage after all of this just to plod along and not be happy. It is a constant work in progress but for me working towards something always helps. Keep sharing we are all here in this together!
Ali, I also struggle with similar emotions and feelings that Hopeful 30 expressed. In June 2015 my husband of more than 30 years told me he thought he had AIDS because he had been buy sex for years. If he had not been ill he never would have told me and it is still a toss up in my mind why he told me. He thought his life was over and that I would leave. He thought so many wrong things but it has taken me all this time to begin to really process things and I do process them on a regular basis. It is almost impossible for me to put my feelings into words but I never knew I marred a man with childhood secrets and issue although I knew a little about his family of origin and for years and years I would ask him, "How did you escape your family and become so normal?" His parents had big issues as did his brothers. Little did I know that he had a BIG secret. No, he had many BIG secrets but it took him believing he was dying to finally give up his pretense of being normal. Oye. It does not matter what he says or how he frames it and I have read all the explanations of SA that I can find. The fact is that I married a man who was not in a committed marriage despite all the evidence that I read as commitment. He was a truly messed up man who cleaned up beautifully and presented well. We are very compatible in most areas but like Hopeful 30 said, being sexually faithful is not enough anymore. I want a life of my own choosing and he has basically changed his entire life and approach to living in order to stay with me. I'm not "over it". I still live with this information. I watch him live his new life to the fullest and know this is good for him. The emotional cost to me is playing out with a heart issue due to stress. I don't know if anyone recovers from intimate betrayal. All I know is that I manage my life and triggers and thoughts 100% better now than I did then but it has take a lot of work and I have settled for "good enough" at the moment. I did not want to blow up the lives of our adult children and our grandchildren and that is why I stayed initially. I told him that he had a year to get his shit together but one slip of any kind meant we were done and I would be truthful about why we split up. It's been 40 years now. It is pretty darn good right now. I don't love him like I use to and I don't care if that never comes back. I'm almost 70 and I plan to live my life however I want.
DeleteThe healing equals the size of the wound, the depth of the wound. AND if you have been previously hurt in a similar way before. Then their is the affair healing and your previous pain that was never healed. I'm 6 years out. You look at it like something bad that happened in the past that can still scare you today but doesn't rule your daily life. I will never forget it and I will never forget me either. I had to go through it, there is no way around it. I tried my best to go around it. It is the hardest thing I ever have done for myself. From my heart, do you know I deal with it?. I tell myself we aren't married anymore. We are in a relationship. When someone asks me how long we have been married, I say I don't have a clue. We ignore our anniversary. Both of us. He broke his promise to me and broke his trust when I said to him, if there is one thing in our marriage that would kill me is an affair. He did that too. I'm not married to him, I treat him like a relationship, he treats me like a wife.
ReplyDeleteSure I love him but not like I used to. We have fun together, take care of each other when we are sick. I don't use the word husband anymore. I never refer to him as my husband. I just introduce him by his name. I do have wedding rings on because he bought them and they are super expensive blue diamonds. I like the bling. You may say well those are just mental gymnastics, you aren't being real with yourself, you are not being your true self. Guess what I don't care if you think that, it works for me. What is authentic is I realize what I'm doing.
Nope, not "over it" yet. I expect LLP is right, the time it takes to heal seems to be related to a number of factors: the length of the betrayal, the seriousness of the commitment to the OW, the time it takes to get the WHOLE story, how willing your spouse is to support you in your pain and healing, just to name a few. Like Beach Girl, I didn't want my husband's long term affair to impact the lives of our children and grandchildren and that has been challenging for my health. I wasn't aware how severe an effect keeping this BIG secret for the past 4+ years has had on my health until a check-up I had this week revealed a worrisome cardiac incident had occurred this past summer on the day I saw the FB photos of my husband's life with the OW. That really struck home. Like Hopeful 30, I have wasted far too much time looking at what I perceived to be my shortcomngs. Nonesense. My husband made the choice to blow up our marriage, not me. And like LLP, I am dealing with it as best I can. I still call him my husband but I don't feel the same way about him. I don't think of our relationship as a marriage. He forgot our 51st anniversary in July. I can't bring myself to wear my wedding rings any longer. I still care for him but I doubt I will ever "get over" this mess. However, for now, I must focus my energies on finding my way through it. The posts on here are so, so helpful. To know that others have made it through to a better life after betrayal, gives all of us in this struggle such hope!
ReplyDeleteJenna, stress is a killer and I never had a leaky heart valve until all this happened. In the first year my hair fell out in clumps in the shower. I shook all the time. I'm much better now but I still have this heart thing thanks to him. I try to live in the present. He blew up our past. I have been dealing with a couple of triggers the past few days and yesterday I finally just had to talk to him about my feelings. He is still horrified about his behavior and told me he works hard to not try to figure out how to kill himself because we are having a good time in our new winter home and he mostly feels hopeful that I will stay. Something died when he told me about his past SA issues and yesterday he said he tries to be present in the moment at all times. When he thinks about the past and what he has done he wants to die. When he thinks about the future he thinks I might die or leave him. He just lives for now. I told him he lived his own life and knows everything he did, right and wrong. He lived his life the way he chose to. I told him he robbed me of my life because everything I believed about him/us was an illusion and a lie. He always says he is sorry. What good is that? I just really work hard to find things that make me happy. He has not denied me anything since the shit hit the fan and I decided to live my life the way I wanted to live it. He can join or he can make other choices. Happy Thanksgiving
DeleteBeach Girl, I'm sorry to hear you are challenged with a wonky heart valve too. I'm seeing a cardiac surgeon tomorrow about one of mine. I have atril - fib, hence the pacemaker that could identify the exact date of my incident. My biggest fear has been the toll all this mess will have on my health. But last week's checkup has hit home that self-care is so important (as Elle and others here are always reminding us) and I must focus my energies there. I have found an excellent, very skilled therapist who is really helping me work through this trauma. But stories like yours give me hope and much needed encouragement! Happy Thanksgiving BG.
DeleteWord. It's been a little over 4 months since D day and I'm so full of rage and humiliation I literally don't understand how I even function. I actually was feeling better about a month in. Going to therapy. Doing things I enjoyed, which includes enjoying his remorse and attention. But now, all I can think about is what an unfathomable jerk he was. I didn't deserve that. It was completely uncalled for and there is absolutely no excuse or reason good enough. I don't know how to move past the rage. I do yoga to Joyce Meyer, go to church, barely attempt prayer. But it ticks me off to no end that I'm doing this work for my healing. I shouldn't have to be healing. I'm just so angry and disgusted.
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteYou have hit upon the worst of infidelity -- we did NOTHING to deserve this pain and yet, here we are, trying to heal from it. But one could argue the same holds true for most of life's worst experiences. But knowing that lots of things are completely unfair doesn't do much to make us feel better about THIS unfair thing.
Your anger is pretty normal, under the circumstances. He has blown up your lives and...for what? That rage can be healthy because it means you have enough self-respect to place the blame where it belongs. On him.
However, that rage can consume you if it's not channelled or if it doesn't dissipate. So just keep aware of that. And consider what you can do to express it in ways that aren't harmful to you or anyone else. I used to run. My feet pounding the pavement felt like exactly what I needed. I would return home exhausted in a good way -- depleted of much of that anger.
For now though...trust that this is a normal part of healing. It's like the stages of grief. We go through them all -- shock (which is probably what that first month was), denial, anger, etc.