I have been reading here for over 2 years and this is the first time I have posted. The information from this wise group of women has been invaluable on my journey to healing. My husband had an affair with his assistant that began as emotional in 2012 and progressed to physical and ended in 2017 when he was on the verge of an emotional breakdown with me finding out. We have been married twenty years and together since the age of 15. I was one of the women that immediately knew his affair was not about me and solely about his short comings but that did not minimize the pain it created. As you all know it is a crushing pain, and like so many women here, I was already carrying a whole wack of pain from an unstable childhood. A father who left with his affair partner, to a mother who tried but was overwhelmed with raising young kids on her own, including my sister with several mental illness, sexual abuse as a child and rape as a teenager. Well of course I just collapsed under the weight of it all. I have been clawing my way back for almost three years with therapy, you wonderful women and a husband who is remorseful and working somewhat on healing his brokeness. Initially the break of the attachment bond left me traumatized and clinging to our marriage with a steel grip. If our therapist even mentioned us splitting I would start sobbing. As I heal and the traumatic hold has lessened I find myself seeing him much more clearly for who is. A broken man, a selfish man, an immature man. My feelings for him have become conflicted. He is trying but I feel it is the minimum he can get away with. He has made changes but I feel almost three years later it's not enough. I need a new marriage with a husband who is willing to walk beside me in healing and I feel like I am always dragging him. He doesn't take initiative. He cruises when he can and then steps it up when I insist. I am contemplating a separation so I can have some space ( this will be very difficult for me and our children who know nothing of our discord) and maybe he will pull up his socks (that I buy for him) ??
Suzy, Thank-you for sharing your story here. As you know, we each learn so much from each other. And I'm awed by your resilience and courage as you've done so much to heal from not only your husband's betrayal but so much more. I think you've come up against something that many of us do -- when we begin to heal ourselves and become more whole than our broken bits, we want more from those in our lives. We are no longer content to live on crumbs, as Esther Perel puts it. And yet, our partners often can't or won't see that the rules have changed. That it's not enough to simply show up and not cheat, that with all the hard work we've had to do to heal, we expect at least as much from them. We don't want the old marriage (without cheating) back, we want an entirely new marriage. That's entirely reasonable. Whether he can give you that remains to be seen. Does he know that you're considering a separation because you're so frustrated at his lack of effort? That might be the place to start. I don't think a separation is a bad thing. I'm not sure of the ages of your kids but, assuming you two keep animosity down, kids are pretty resilient too, though I understand the impulse to want to keep their lives stable. Honestly, Suzy, I think either response is reasonable -- either telling him just how serious you are and seeing if that, finally, makes him wake up, or just separating and seeing if that space helps you get clearer on what you do and do not want in your life. But, again, I'm so glad you posted and gladder still that you've found comfort and healing here.
Elle, Thank you for your kind reply. I have expressed my frustration to him on several occasions. He is usually supportive, sometimes reverts to old patterns and becomes defensive but now recognizes the behaviour pattern much better. This week I told him I would like to meet with our marriage therapist (an unscheduled visit, we now go about once monthly) and discuss a possible separation. I truly haven't made a decision but think opening up dialogue about it will be helpful and maybe that will be enough to motivate him. Our children are between the ages of 11 and 16. I really, really struggle with disrupting their lives. My parents divorce was very traumatic for me so I am sensitive to possibility of harming them. My husband and I are very compatible in many ways and really share a nice life together and did so always, even during the majority of his cheating. But we are not well matched emotionally and as you say , whether he will be able to provide what I am now wanting is currently an unanswered question...
Suzy, thank you for posting. It helped me because I feel the same way. Dragging him along. Therapy tomorrow. I know what I'm going to talk about. Thank you
This post was right on target for me today. My Ptsd reared its head and I have been struggling all day. Suzy, I am 6 years out and I separated from my husband June 2018 for the very reasons you described. I was tired of dragging him along to support my healing. I love that Esther Perel quote--I realized that after going through the agony of what he did and his half-a$$ed attempts to get it, I wasn't capable of accepting crumbs. It was initially painful to separate as we were since I was 21 (not 15 but it might as well have been; my 2 kids are about the same ages as yours too...so much of your post resonates). but I was surprised at how much better I felt after he was gone. His presence was a constant reminder that I was not getting what I deserved and settling for crumbs and further exploitation. We have defined this period as a therapeutic separation. It has been a loooong therapeutic separation but we have both taken the time to breathe and for him to do therapy and sort his stuff out. In the meanwhile, I have reached a place of clarity realized I would be better off with a divorce than with someone who needed me to buy him socks and pull them on... you get the picture. Anyway, he has done some deep personal growth during this time and realizes he is screwed up and wants to get it right. And I found the exact kind of couples therapist (partner trauma focused) who is willing to help him pull up his own socks so I don't have to. We have tentatively started a final round of therapy but I have zero effs left and he knows it. But it seems like he sees the writing on the wall and is willing to get it right this time. It certainly helps to find a therapist who doesn't coddle him and is willing to take on the role of fixer so I don't have to be that person. Also, I made sure to put the kids wellbeing above all and they are doing very well. He lives not too far away and has had to learn to step up in the parenting game. It certainly has taken the pressure off me, has given me a lot more necessary free time, and allowed me to be a slightly more relaxed parent.
I have been reading here for over 2 years and this is the first time I have posted. The information from this wise group of women has been invaluable on my journey to healing. My husband had an affair with his assistant that began as emotional in 2012 and progressed to physical and ended in 2017 when he was on the verge of an emotional breakdown with me finding out. We have been married twenty years and together since the age of 15. I was one of the women that immediately knew his affair was not about me and solely about his short comings but that did not minimize the pain it created. As you all know it is a crushing pain, and like so many women here, I was already carrying a whole wack of pain from an unstable childhood. A father who left with his affair partner, to a mother who tried but was overwhelmed with raising young kids on her own, including my sister with several mental illness, sexual abuse as a child and rape as a teenager. Well of course I just collapsed under the weight of it all. I have been clawing my way back for almost three years with therapy, you wonderful women and a husband who is remorseful and working somewhat on healing his brokeness. Initially the break of the attachment bond left me traumatized and clinging to our marriage with a steel grip. If our therapist even mentioned us splitting I would start sobbing. As I heal and the traumatic hold has lessened I find myself seeing him much more clearly for who is. A broken man, a selfish man, an immature man. My feelings for him have become conflicted. He is trying but I feel it is the minimum he can get away with. He has made changes but I feel almost three years later it's not enough. I need a new marriage with a husband who is willing to walk beside me in healing and I feel like I am always dragging him. He doesn't take initiative. He cruises when he can and then steps it up when I insist. I am contemplating a separation so I can have some space ( this will be very difficult for me and our children who know nothing of our discord) and maybe he will pull up his socks (that I buy for him) ??
ReplyDeleteSuzy,
DeleteThank-you for sharing your story here. As you know, we each learn so much from each other. And I'm awed by your resilience and courage as you've done so much to heal from not only your husband's betrayal but so much more.
I think you've come up against something that many of us do -- when we begin to heal ourselves and become more whole than our broken bits, we want more from those in our lives. We are no longer content to live on crumbs, as Esther Perel puts it. And yet, our partners often can't or won't see that the rules have changed. That it's not enough to simply show up and not cheat, that with all the hard work we've had to do to heal, we expect at least as much from them. We don't want the old marriage (without cheating) back, we want an entirely new marriage.
That's entirely reasonable.
Whether he can give you that remains to be seen.
Does he know that you're considering a separation because you're so frustrated at his lack of effort? That might be the place to start.
I don't think a separation is a bad thing. I'm not sure of the ages of your kids but, assuming you two keep animosity down, kids are pretty resilient too, though I understand the impulse to want to keep their lives stable.
Honestly, Suzy, I think either response is reasonable -- either telling him just how serious you are and seeing if that, finally, makes him wake up, or just separating and seeing if that space helps you get clearer on what you do and do not want in your life.
But, again, I'm so glad you posted and gladder still that you've found comfort and healing here.
Elle,
DeleteThank you for your kind reply. I have expressed my frustration to him on several occasions. He is usually supportive, sometimes reverts to old patterns and becomes defensive but now recognizes the behaviour pattern much better. This week I told him I would like to meet with our marriage therapist (an unscheduled visit, we now go about once monthly) and discuss a possible separation. I truly haven't made a decision but think opening up dialogue about it will be helpful and maybe that will be enough to motivate him. Our children are between the ages of 11 and 16. I really, really struggle with disrupting their lives. My parents divorce was very traumatic for me so I am sensitive to possibility of harming them. My husband and I are very compatible in many ways and really share a nice life together and did so always, even during the majority of his cheating. But we are not well matched emotionally and as you say , whether he will be able to provide what I am now wanting is currently an unanswered question...
Suzy, thank you for posting. It helped me because I feel the same way. Dragging him along. Therapy tomorrow. I know what I'm going to talk about. Thank you
DeleteThis post was right on target for me today. My Ptsd reared its head and I have been struggling all day. Suzy, I am 6 years out and I separated from my husband June 2018 for the very reasons you described. I was tired of dragging him along to support my healing. I love that Esther Perel quote--I realized that after going through the agony of what he did and his half-a$$ed attempts to get it, I wasn't capable of accepting crumbs. It was initially painful to separate as we were since I was 21 (not 15 but it might as well have been; my 2 kids are about the same ages as yours too...so much of your post resonates). but I was surprised at how much better I felt after he was gone. His presence was a constant reminder that I was not getting what I deserved and settling for crumbs and further exploitation. We have defined this period as a therapeutic separation. It has been a loooong therapeutic separation but we have both taken the time to breathe and for him to do therapy and sort his stuff out. In the meanwhile, I have reached a place of clarity realized I would be better off with a divorce than with someone who needed me to buy him socks and pull them on... you get the picture. Anyway, he has done some deep personal growth during this time and realizes he is screwed up and wants to get it right. And I found the exact kind of couples therapist (partner trauma focused) who is willing to help him pull up his own socks so I don't have to. We have tentatively started a final round of therapy but I have zero effs left and he knows it. But it seems like he sees the writing on the wall and is willing to get it right this time. It certainly helps to find a therapist who doesn't coddle him and is willing to take on the role of fixer so I don't have to be that person. Also, I made sure to put the kids wellbeing above all and they are doing very well. He lives not too far away and has had to learn to step up in the parenting game. It certainly has taken the pressure off me, has given me a lot more necessary free time, and allowed me to be a slightly more relaxed parent.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for taking the time to respond, it is comforting to know I am not alone in my struggles.
ReplyDelete