Anyone could see from the video how much they loved each other. If I had seen them like this before, I thought, maybe nothing would have happened. Maybe I would have known.What Frances might have "known" was that marriage holds multitudes, to steal from Walt Whitman. Those cheating with married men often think that marriage is about sex. If the sex is good, the man doesn't cheat. If it's not good, well, surely that's why he's in another's bed.
And so, they figure, if I offer good sex, he'll leave his wife. If I'm available to him, he'll leave his wife.
And then, so so often, he doesn't leave his wife and they're utterly perplexed. Like Frances was until she had something of an epiphany. Until she came to understand that marriage, from the outside, is baffling to those not in it. That marriage is about so much more than sex.
I was guilty of that simplification too, before I was married. I hadn't yet come to understand the day-in/day-out of marriage. That a marriage one year in will bear little resemblance to a marriage ten years in. Then twenty. The person I was when I said "I do" can sometimes feel like an entirely different person than I am now. My husband bears little resemblance to the guy he was then (thank god!).
We are shaped by so many experiences that don't happen between the sheets. Together, my husband and I have buried two parents, we have lost friends to illness and geography, we have sat up late with sick children, we have worried together.
We have celebrated the large and the small. We have championed each other's dreams and comforted each other in disappointment.
And yes, we have navigated infidelity. We have found our way back to each other.
But even if we hadn't, even if we had opted to separate and divorce, that marriage we'd had, even with its undisclosed secrets, contained multitudes.
My husband's fear at an alarming prenatal test was real, even though he was cheating on me at the time.
My husband's happiness for me when my first book was published was real, even though he was cheating on me at the time.
And that's the thing that affair partners miss. They think a person remains whole during an affair. They imagine they are taking that whole person leaving what exactly?
When the truth is that the cheater becomes fractured. Which is why he can be at dinner, laughing with his children over something that happened that day. He can be present at a holiday, an event, in bed.
And then be present with his affair partner.
I once asked my husband what he thought about me when he was with her. "I didn't," he said. He didn't think about me. Thinking about me got in the way of what he was doing.
I was able, even then, to appreciate his honesty. It helped me understand that the affair was never about me.
It sounds cold, doesn't it? And yet...it comforted me. It taught me something that I didn't understand before I was married. Something that Frances figured out. Marriages contain multitudes that those not in them can scarcely understand. It's why marriages can survive infidelity (with a whole lot of work). It's why people can love their spouse and still cheat. It's why our culture continues to poorly depict affairs because they assume that they're entirely about sex, when the sex is frequently a stand-in for escape, for something that felt lost, for an idea about ourselves that we seek.
Which is also why relationships that begin as affairs have such a high failure rate. We can't outrun ourselves. We can't reinvent ourselves because, eventually, we have to decide who's going to clean the grout in the shower, who didn't pick up milk on the way home, who should be getting up with the baby. The escape becomes the mundane. And unless you've got a whole lot more than sex going for you, you've just given misery a new address.
Preach on my warrior princess this hits so many points and deep understanding, i thoroughly enjoyed the read as i nod my head up and eown in agreement. Wholeheartedly even if indeed its at times very apparent and others hard to find or leaves you researching or seeking reassurance. I cannot believe im coming up on 5 years since dday. I couldnt have made it without you, without this blog without a chanting army of badass mamas in my corner to advise, listen or just knowing I was here and not alone.
ReplyDeleteWounded, I love the idea of you reading and nodding.
DeleteAnd wow, five years. Five years was a pivot for me. It's when the infidelity felt well and truly behind me, that no matter what happened, I was absolutely certain, I was going to be okay.
I feel privileged that this site and this sisterhood played a role in your healing.
I sincerely want to thank you for writing this. I stumbled upon the site last night and this blog really hit home and gave me a new understanding. I found out about the affair 3 months ago and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions since then, loving and hating my husband all at the same time. I’ve been really stuck on the whys though. Why wasn’t I enough? Why weren't we enough? And reading this really hit home that maybe it had nothing to do with me and us. He was struggling in his life and tried to deal with it or escape it with her. We still have a long way to go and I have a lot of healing but thank you for putting a new perspective into play and helping me have a better understanding of the affair.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through and so glad you found us. I'm not sure this post is actually the best introduction for you to this site. What I write about here is something that it has taken me, literally, years to get to.
But I do think it's amazing that you're able to already recognize that his affair has never been you. It is not an indictment of you or even your marriage but rather his own inability to manage difficult feelings. I hope you'll keep reading here -- there's a lot of info, so many incredible women, and a whole lot of wisdom that can accelerate your healing. But starting with that absolute truth -- this his affair is about HIS issues, not yours (and therefore, it is HIS job to get clear on how he allowed himself this choice) -- is a really good starting point.
I would like to know what the women that have left after infidelity went through regarding emotions and sense of finding self again. I am an empty nester, married forever and 55 years old. Mu husband had countless affairs our entire marriage and was a con artist to say the least. He doted on me constantly and everyone including myself was in complete shock when everything came to light a year ago. The trauma has been excruciating and he begs for us to stay married and he says he will honor our vows all the remaining years we have left. He is 62 and I am so sure his main concern is retirement, spousal support and division of assets which will leave him in a position that he doesn't want to be in. I have decided to divorce but I need to know what I can do to ease my fears, what did some of you do that helped you to move on to a new phase in your life. Yes I am going to counsel which helps and I did obtain herpes from my husband so the fear of a relationship in my future is pretty null and void with this additional set back. Let's hear from the women that have left and what can be expected and what can help me.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I hope some women will weigh in with their thoughts. I'll see if I can direct a few to comment. Many of those here have stayed in their marriage but there are definitely those who have left. I hope they'll share what they know.
DeleteIt took some time for me to process all of what this post is about. I really started out not knowing a lot about betrayal, blaming myself, blaming the other women, thinking the affair partner must have been amazing etc. Over time everything you mentioned in this post made sense. It was a process. We are coming up on five years since dday next month too. It is hard to believe it has been that long. Yet it feels like yesterday.
ReplyDeleteYour words and examples here are similar to my experiences. It was so hard for me to understand how my husband could do what he did yet still love me and be part of our family, especially for how long it all went on. Not that he was doing great or happy. But exactly as you said he admitted to me he would walk out the door and just never think about me or our family. He basically went into survival mode.
We are in such a better place, not perfect but really good. There is always room for improvement. I am glad for both of us and our kids. But probably what I find the most rewarding is to hear my husband tell me how he uses his insights through his work or even with his friends. He never discloses what he did since that would not be professional but he has told me after what he did and us going through the recovery process he has a unique perspective to help others he did not have before or during the affairs. He does admit it is hard since basically every day he is reminded of what he does but he sees the good he can do supporting both husbands and wives to find their path to what is right for them individually, as a couple and as a family. I am really proud of him for that.
Hopeful30,
DeleteI think that's one of the great things about walking through fire -- yes we're scarred but we take the lessons we've learned out into the world and we show up for others in different, better ways. From what you've described of your husband's evolution over the years, he's definitely better capable of empathy, which, in his profession, would undoubtedly make him better at his job.
Yay for both of you.
I would venture to say that this mindset of Frances extends to married folks who've "never had a good marriage" as well. My friend - ex-friend now, who pursued and ended up bedding my husband for a year-and-a-half - claimed her marriage was "never good". I and my penitent husband have said the exact opposite about ours. Ex-friend claimed she was "confused" (perplexed!) when he chose to stay with me; she thought he was "loyal" to her. Bc he was boinking you in the back of his car? As much as I hate what's happened - as much as I despise this journey I was forced into and all the messy repercussions (we all live in the same neighborhood, attend the same church, our kids are friends, etc) - as crushed as I am by my husband's choices, I see that our relationship contained so much more than theirs ever did. Thanks for the reminder. I love this post so much. It's validating in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteJana,
DeleteI think that inability to imagine any situation beyond your own is a hallmark of affair partners. They don't know what they don't know and so they make asinine assumptions. And though I'm entirely too aware of how much pain affairs cause all around, it's nonetheless almost comical how many people cheating with a married man are shocked (shocked! I say) to discover that he hasn't been entirely honest or loyal to them.
Jana, We have a few things in common with our stories. We have lived in our home for 27 years. When the neighbors son (that we have known since he was a young boy) moved back into his parents home with his wife and child, we picked up from where we left off with him. Showing him and his wife kindness, letting their son hang out in our garage while my H worked on his classic car. She absolutely pursued him (not that it mattered since he did not have the sense to drive her off). She claimed a terrible marriage on her part, my H claimed that he had no idea how this happened. We just talked about this in therapy this week - how his betrayal had nothing to do with me. It's baffling, isn't it?
DeleteMy H is trying to sort out what happened and move forward. We are moving soon as there is no way I can stay here. It has taken too long to get to this point of selling our home and I have really struggled with it. I am looking to this change in scenery as a fresh start and an opportunity for us to heal.
This post was timely for me. It reaffirmed what I have been trying to accept, that it was not about me.
As so many have written above, this article really hit home and gave such a deep warm feeling as I read, and understood, and accepted what it was saying.
ReplyDeleteI really can see that I now believe and trust that the affairs my H had were never ever really about me or us. And in turn, to my utter relief, that the affair partners were NEVER REALLY A THREAT. It took me so long to even start to entertain that idea. I spent years feeling threatened by them, worrying that they were better than me, sexier, more exciting, and that ultimately my H would leave me for them. He would tell me "they meant nothing", and that they were "just an escape" but to someone who has no ability to even imagine kissing someone outside a relationship, to believe that he could date, wine and dine, and sleep with these people without caring for them was utterly alien.
I do strongly believe that of the affair partners my H took there were a few who were like him, just happy to use it as an escape, but there were also those who dug the claws in and were in some sort of silent competition, not realising that the blood, sweat, tears, kids, mortgage, stress, family - all the things that are not sex, but build our life as a couple, outweigh any short lived thrill that they could provide.
THANK YOU ELLE FOR REAFFIRMING THIS!
I feel excited, almost, as I realising that the past few months are feeling so much calmer, and safer. I think fleetingly about the affairs daily, but I am no longer haunted by them (for now. I accept that phase might come around again at some point). We are facing a lot of stresses with work, and home, but as a couple we are so much stronger and seem so much closer and these things are washing over us rather than driving a wedge between us.
I am so so grateful I found this community, it has been there for the past year or so, silently and sometimes openly supporting me, nudging me, reminding me that whatever I am feeling it is OK. This post was a wonderful reminder that sometimes, there are small nuggets of positivity that we take on this journey.
Thank you.
Yes,the affair was not about me. I recognized almost immediately that it was about escape,self medication, and the temporary distraction of shiny NEW. Which was reassuring. But, this didn't necessarily make these two years of reconciliation easier. Because my main fear when we decided to stick it out was that NEW was the ONE thing I could never be. What if someone else shiny and new crosses his path? Can I trust him to be loyal and choose our 30 year marriage over the short lived thrill?
ReplyDeleteHis ability to "fracture" himself as so eloquently described also really frightened me; like I was dealing with someone with a split personality. My husband handled his fractured self during the betrayal by becoming a Jedi mind master at COMPARTMENTALIZATION. What happened with former HS girlfriend Cockroach AP while shacking up in her house was delegated to one compartment, what happened at home with his family was kept in another compartment. Lucky for him (and me I guess) she lives in a town located at least 2 1/2 hours drive away from us, so no compartment cross contamination likely as long as he kept everything separate in his mind (and on his phone �� ).
Regaining MY trust is the last step in our reconciliation. And proving to be the most difficult step. So far so good. He's doing and saying all the right things - consistently. But memory of the Jedi mind master of compartmentalization still troubles me. He was so adept at living a double life.
3 months ago, my husband used the time I was away from home (2wks) looking after my dementia parents to moved out of our marital home of 27yrs. He picked me up from the airport and upon arriving home, I noticed pieces of his furniture (wooden chest from his late mum, his music systems missing) He told me he was not happy neither am I and he wants to bring things to ahead by moving out and having time to think. He denied his affair (many times I have asked him as I strongly suspected was the cause to his behaviours and unhappiness) I was utterly shocked and hurt but I didnt attempt to contact him or beg him back as affair or no affair, this man does not deserve me begging him back. I refused to answer his phone for over a week as I needed time alone to process my though. When I finally talk to him, he said he was confused and wanted to move back to try again. I said "NO" but allowed him to come back to the house to talk (on Saturdays) but not to stay over. It was after about 4 Saturdays that he finally confessed to having an 18mths affair with a single older woman (I am 55, he is 60 and she is 62). He was (in that 4 Sats) coming back home to beg me to take him back and than going back to the OW....so he was lying to her about his where about during his visits home! He told me they first met in a club after his business meeting and she knew he was married but gave her phone no. to him and he called her and thats how the affair started. He said "leaving home" and "going to her solicitor to talk about divorcing me" finally wake him up from his fantasy and infactuation as it has now become "REAL" H said he still love me and like what Elle said in her post, he didnt think of me or our family, he was having fun and adventure and didnt realised the harm and hurts he was causing. I have read email from OW to H, begging him to go back to her, asking him to get a secret phone to keep in touch with her and asking him "what life would be like with your wife, she will forever be suspicious of you" saying things like "we are soulmate and last chance for happiness for the rest of their life"
ReplyDeleteHe is back home now partly because of the lockdown and partly because I want to give our 28yrs of marriage a 2nd chance. He has been trying hard to patch things up but like most cheating man, wants to draw a line and want me to forgive and forget asap! It is still very much work in progress and I am on a emotional rollercoaster ride. There are good days where I am glad I have given him a second chance but there are bad days where I wonder why I even bother with him as I am not confident at all that H has truly learned his lesson...He might go back to OW once lockdown is over! It is easier to divorce than to work at a broken marriage and regain trust and confident again