Despite the passage of time, and the counselling, healing, and forgiveness, I have emotional scar tissue. Mostly, it doesn’t bother me. Sometimes, I’m grateful for it, because of how the experience changed me. Other times, the scar tissue gets irritated and I get a pain flare. So when people see us talking together and then tell me it makes them so happy, I smile and nod, but it scrapes at the scar tissue. When my family invites him to events that I’m not going to be at, and don’t tell me about it until later, it feels like the wound is re-exposed. And when I obliquely lash out and someone else is hurt, I feel guilty for dribbling blood on them.
~Natalie Hart, Writer Unboxed
Those betrayal wounds go deep, don't they?
I'm a long way out from D-Day. More than thirteen years, to be exact.
For the most part, I'm healed. I can read about infidelity, hear about infidelity, watch films about infidelity without the hyperventilating, the shaking hands, the tunnel vision that used to afflict me any time I was reminded of my own pain.
I struggle some days to write here because the pain can feel so remote. Almost like it happened to someone else.
And maybe it did. Happen to someone else, that is. Not a different person entirely but a different me. I'm not her any more. And that's okay. Change is inevitable. We grow. We evolve. Something like betrayal is a shock to our system. It can stunt growth. It can paralyze us. It can lock us into victimhood.
Or it can generate accelerated growth.
Or, most likely, it can do both.
There was a period of time when I felt paralyzed. Absolutely cemented into victimhood. I was the patron saint of betrayal, long-suffering and self-sacrificing. I was, undoubtedly, insufferable. Holier than thou (and certainly holier than he).
Eventually, even I grew tired of my victimhood. It's not much fun. And there was, of course, at least a bit of evidence that I wasn't perfect. That I wasn't entirely self-sacrificing. That I had options.
Even in that paralysis, I can see now, there was growth. Healing is often invisible, happening deep down, in the dark.
That paralysis may have felt like nothing but emptiness and darkness but somehow, within that, I found the strength to move forward. To shed my martyr's cloak and envision something different. A marriage of equals, though, admittedly, one of those equals had some reparations to make.
Still, there was pain. It is stubborn. Like our writer in the quote above notes. Other wounds make the deeper wound sting. Our deep wound can sometimes spur us to hurt others.
Which is why I feel so strongly that we heal ourselves, whether or not our marriage survives.
Somewhere in that paralysis, my strength was reawakened. And I decided to fight. Not for my marriage, not at first anyway, but for me. I was NOT going to sacrifice myself for my family. I was going to protect my children, absolutely. But I was not going to remain in a miserable marriage for them.
And so I agreed to rebuild a marriage.
If I was going to stay, it was going to be in a different marriage, with a different man.
And yes, with a different me.
Like it or not, I was a different person.
The surprising part was that, I can see now, I like it. Her. I like her. Me. I like me.
I'm not the pleaser I used to be (though I remain a work-in-progress).
My boundaries are clear and, let me tell you, you haven't known freedom until you've said "no" without any compulsion to explain further. "'No' is a complete sentence," my therapist taught me.
I live a curated life. Life doesn't so much happen to me anymore, as I make choices about what to include in it. For the most part. None of us chooses illness or wayward children or job loss, of course. But I'm pickier about what and who I invite into my life. I feel far less regret about releasing those things that don't make my life better.
I now understand that it's not my job to fix other people, a recognition for which I think those in my life are eternally grateful. The emotionally healthy ones never wanted my help and the emotionally unhealthy ones were never going to take my help anyway. Help, I am reminded, is the sunny side of control.
These changes might have come my way via some other experience. I've dealt with severe mental health issues with two of my children, which has taught me a lot. I've buried my wonderful, wise mother, which taught me a lot. But, though I would never have chosen betrayal (and, frankly, wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy, if I had a worse enemy), it has taught me plenty. It has changed me.
And though it wasn't always clear to me, that change is a good thing.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I have momentary happiness with my husband. We had a nice weekend after many ups and downs. The preceding week was good too, I just wasn't completely receptive of his "trying." But on the weekend I found that he had done something that I previously told him bothered me; he followed a new IG hoe. The act of doing something that bothers me to my core while I'm in a state of major insecurity bc of what he's done kills me. So, I fought with him &almost immediately regretted it bc I was scared of the outcome. Not that he would leave, I'm quite certain that if anyone is making the decision to leave it will be me. I was afraid our relationship would end up like it has every time we've argued; not talking, being cold. Over the weekend I was longing for his attention and affection. So, I was the one to apologize; pathetic I know. He never apologized. (And I also think he lied recently about something he did right before we agreed to try to work it out -> going to the strip club.)
ReplyDeleteToday I woke up feeling different. His attention wasn't the things I wanted most. I was back to feeling the confusion of it all. His actions hadn't changed; he was still treating me the same being kind, affectionate, etc. But as we were getting ready for work together, I felt myself being cold towards him.
Then I started spiraling. He "just" emotionally cheated for several weeks & has lied continuously usually about going to strip clubs. I've been thinking all day nonstop about whether I can trust him, again. Wondering if this is who he's always been, a dog, a pig.
I'm always searching for something; through a bank statement, pockets (the same pockets over and over), his smart watch that isn't synced to his phone. And if I had the opportunity, I'd look through his phone. He's been leaving it around me more and walking away but I'm quite certain he's changed the password. I haven't had the chance to check. And I hate that this is who I am now. It's like I'm looking for something to tell me to leave but everything he's been showing me is the opposite. I take in in small chunks bc that's all I can handle. So, he's been home all week other than one day and he asked me if he could go somewhere with his friends. He sent me a video from where he was. He wasn't out for longer than I thought it should have taken. Then he came home and stayed in. He's been asking me to go places with him. Cooking for me, again. Spending time. Is this his way of trying?
We've never had a deep, open, emotionally raw conversation about what's occurred. I've asked questions and he's answered, a lot with I don't know. But he's never on his own come to me to say I'm so sorry for what I did, I'll never do it again. He's said these things but only in my questioning of him. He's never been Mr.Emotions. He doesn't talk about feelings (he didn't grow up that way, his parents literally do not remember his birthday every year and he can go months without talking to his siblings.) I just feel like I'm always left to assume how hes feeling or why he doing something. Does he get so angry bc he's not doing anything and I distrust him still? Is he angry bc he thinks I should be over it? Is he angry bc it "wasn't a big deal"? Is he angry bc he's still being dirty and I'm calling him on it? I haven't talked about it recently not bc I don't want to but bc it never goes anywhere. Am I hoping for something he cannot give me?
I'm scared all the time, for my heart. He says hes not doing anything but I'm not sure I can believe it. He's lied too much and too often. I'm to the point when he's in the other room, I'm scared about who he may be texting. But I think bc I'm not acting outwardly broken he thinks we're good. How do I know that he's taken responsibility for his actions? I'm just looking for honesty, how will I know when I've found it?
OMG... I feel your pain and anxiety and stress. Have you been to see a counsellor? Sounds like you need some serious help and there are conversations that need to be had for you to repair from this and move on one way or the other.
DeleteSomething I have learnt in the past few weeks is I can't think for him or even mind read what he is thinking. Mine is fronting up and telling me and we have had some gut wrenching conversations about the past that have broken me in ways I could never have fathomed... but I don't know how he thinks nor can I guess. You cannot assume what is going on. He has to tell you and if he wants to repair this he has to be transparent and open and he has to learn to open up to you.
Honesty (so our counsellor told us) will become apparent after he has been honest with you for a lot of times and you start to believe it. It may take 420 it may take 1634... only you will know when you feel it. And it takes time. I don't believe anything my husband says to me at the moment, even when he says he loves me as my mind just tells me if you loved me so much how could you do this to me. It's early days for us, so I just say nothing and let him hug me and I try and hug back. That's all I can give right now.
Be kind to yourself.... you've been through hell and are still there. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and at the moment for both you and me it looks like a pinhead of light... there is light and we just have to go towards it. Big hugs x
Shoe Queen, thank you so much for your reply. The support means more than you know, actually you probably do know.
DeleteI have started seeing a therapist which is helping; she's trying to give me techniques to step out of the situation a bit and look at it objectively, hopefully to lessen my confusion. And just having someone to talk to freely, without judgement is really nice. My husband on the other hand will not consider speaking to a therapist alone or with me. Which is unfortunate. I also confirmed this morning that he's changed his cellphone password which is why he's so comfortable leaving it around. Makes me question what he's still hiding. Is he still talking to the OW or someone else, or doing dirty things in general. Makes my heart sink even further. He says he wants to make things better and he's doing more in the physical sense, talking about day-to-day things, being present, etc. But some things he does makes me question everything. The lies I continue to catch him in...
My therapist and friend/family are trying to get me to focus on me. It's been hard but I'm trying to get back to the me I used to be, before I dedicated myself completely to being a wife and mother. I hope that you're able to do the same, to become that person you want to be. However, I'm sure you're already so amazing, maybe just remind yourself of that? It's tough but I think we all have to prioritize ourselves, our happiness, our feelings of security and safety, we can't allow someone else to have so much power over us. I know I was giving my husband all of that power. I'm slowly trying to take it back; I hope you can find your power. You are already so strong and brave. I'm sorry you are going through all of this.
Time is a beautiful and bittersweet thing. I want to know my future, too. But you're right, the only way to find it is to live it and sometimes that just sucks.
Sending you so much support <3
Anon, I felt like you did so much. I am almost to five years since dday. I think part of this is going through the process. I remember the days where I felt like a private detective. I honestly got really good at finding things. Sometimes my husband had forgotten about what I had found. I was also tracking both the ow. Then one day I just had enough. But it was something I had to come to on my own. No one could say stop and I would then listen. I also saw a therapist by myself and that was the best thing for me. It is exactly as you said I was given tips/advice on how to handle situations but also a sounding board to have someone to listen to me and only me.
DeleteFrom my years of going through this recovery process you are right you have to focus on you. No matter how hard you try you cannot control what your husband does. What worked best was figuring out what I wanted and needed from our marriage and then setting very structured boundaries and expectations. Our boundaries were very detailed. Also before any of that happened we agreed to no contact. And when either ow reached out to him he had to tell/show me immediately and together we would decide how or if he responded. He did think one time about not telling me but then realized he would be back to where he started.
I will say my husband is pretty in touch with his feelings, he might not show them all the time. He is in the mental health field. However I would say it took him a good two years to really dig deep and go beyond surface work. And he had broken it off with both ow 15 months before dday all on his own.
In the beginning I wanted to move through this process fast and go through a check list. Now where I am I realize it is a process. One thing I have told my husband is "not cheating" is not good enough. I want and expect a different marriage. My therapist said my husband had all the freedom in the world and threw that away when he made the decisions he did. So if you are not okay with him going to a strip club that is off limits. My husband had to tell me in person or via phone, no text messages if he was doing anything. I mean every single thing. He lost all trust he had. And if he wanted to stay with me he had to work hard for me to even consider trusting him again. This is a huge violation and so hard to get through. My husband understood that and took full blame yet he never went beyond that for about two years as I mentioned.
There is hope. Last Christmas we were laughing about everything that has happened in our marriage. He was talking about if his siblings knew what he did and what Christmas would have been like. Neither of us was making light of it but my point is we are able to reflect back now with some time and where we are to see it in a new way. It will always be part of our marriage but it has brought us to a new level of closeness.
And right back at you too... to know you aren't alone makes such a difference even though everyone's story is different.
DeleteIt does have to be about YOU now.
I too would be concerned that he won't see a therapist even on his own and about the change in phone password. This stuff is keeping you in the loop of confused and frightened.
Have you downloaded Elle's book? I bought it from Amazon and downloaded it last night and it has a lot of the things that are on here but in book version and there's some stuff that I've ready already which will help you greatly! I even laughed outloud at some of the things she wrote and that's the first time I've laughed for what feels like ages. And real spontaneous laughter.
Try and get some power back. You are worthy, you are strong and you don't need someone dragging you down. If he won't play ball tell him to go play in another playground and free yourself from the stress. If he wants to make this work then he needs to front up in all areas not just what suits him.
I feel now about my situation that it is ALL or NOTHING now. No more half-arsed half-committed husband... and luckily for me mine is showing up. The moment he stops showing up he will be gone. I have told him that and he knows. We are still together because I want us to be, not because he wants to work on things. He had a choice long ago to be committed to me and to our relationship and he made choices that changed everything.
So soul sister going through the same thing - try and get some power back. Even just for a few moments at a time. You are strong, you are powerful and most of all you won't let YOU down. Listen to your gut feeling and if things don't feel right challenge him on them. Gone are the days of letting it ride... you deserve a better life... with or without him.
Big hugs x
Shoe Queen,
DeleteThank-you for buying my book and I am so glad it has not only helped you but made you laugh. It's really important for us to realize that we are still capable of that, even when it feels like everything hurts.
Anonymous, I am SO glad you are seeing a therapist. That will help you a lot. I'm going to point out some things that you may have trouble seeing right now but I suspect will be come clearer with time. For example, you describe a husband who is following women on IG, even though it makes you uncomfortable. You have described a husband who continues to go to strip bars, even though it makes you uncomfortable. You have described a husband who has changed the password on his phone even though it makes you uncomfortable. And then you describe a husband who is doing "everything" he can to move on from this and assure you that he's "not doing anything." Those things simply don't mesh. He's not doing everything. In fact, he's not doing much at all. The cooking? Big deal. Spending time with you? Big deal. Those don't matter one bit if he's not being open and transparent and TOTALLY honest with you. They don't matter a bit if he's not able to recognize just how deeply hurt you are and to apologize repeatedly for the pain he's caused and promise to NEVER do it again.
I get that he struggles to communicate. And parents who forgot his birthday makes me think he's got a lot of trauma from childhood. And I'm genuinely sorry for that. I don't doubt for a second that he's carrying around a whole lot of old pain. But that's for him to sort out. He doesn't get to betray your trust and then get a pass because he doesn't believe in therapy or because he doesn't think what he did was so bad or because he's not good at communicating. It's on him to GET good at communicating because that's what you need. It's on him to give you total access to his phone/computer because that's what you need right now. It's on him to figure out why he risked his marriage because you need him to figure it out. Yeah, I know it sucks that he has to make himself uncomfortable. But...seriously? Just how "comfortable" are you right now? You're not. You're in deep pain because he made a choice that broke your heart. And he's asking you to give him a second chance. FAir enough. But what, EXACTLY, is he doing to show you that he deserves that second chance? Just how far is he willing to go to show that he wants to be a better man. Not just better at not getting caught.
Anonymous, you deserve more. You deserve transparency. You deserve conversations in which he is willing to be with you in your pain. I know that's hard for a lot of people. Well...so is heartbreak.
Elle your words couldn't be more timely. After another night of raging and crying and just being Miss Victim day in day out and actually night in night out for the past three months since DD2 and in fact three years since DD1, this morning I woke up and thought... I need to save me.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I can move on with him (changed or not) after 8 years of lies and betrayal. He says he really wants me but at this early stage I don't know which way is up or what to believe.
So... maybe I just need to think about saving me. Each day at the moment it has to be about making me feel better. Not taking myself back into the vortex to ask the same questions over and over and over and not being happy when the past isn't changed.
I want to be that new person. I want to fast forward and see how my life looks either way, but I guess I just have to live it and see.
It's a tough ride as you girls all know.
Shoe Queen,
DeleteYou are EXACTLY where you should be right now. Saving you. Exactly right. You don't need to know whether you want to stay or go. You only need to know that YOU are worth fighting for, that you are worth saving. Your focus needs to be entirely on you and what you need to heal. You already are that new person, Shoe Queen. I suspect that this intention to prioritize yourself is new. I suspect you have spent a whole lot of years making sure everybody else was okay.
This is your new life and you are going to make sure it serves you. He can either earn his way into it or not but either way, you are going to soar.
I agree..what is it really that makes us so confused? Is it really true that its love, is it that we have spent so many years in a safety net and we dont want the fear of not feeling safe, is it the fear of the unknown, is it the fear of being alone, is it the fear of finances, is it the fear of if children will be ok if we leave and/or the fear of being a single parent, is it the comfort level we once had, is it winning and thinking the OW is not going to tear us apart, is it that we think we can change them now that they have been caught, is it, is it, is it.....I am constantly wondering what IT IS as to why with such betrayal and trauma I am still here but not knowing why or why I dont leave. I hate it. It's been 15 months since DDay with countless affairs over the entire marriage, lies after lies and his begging me to stay and NOW he realizes he is "in love" with me in which he didnt feel like he was during our entire marriage and I still dont know what to do. Counceling has been somewhat well but what IS IT as to why we cant make a decision and move on??
ReplyDeleteI too am now hearing the words 'I love you so much and didn't realise just how much until now'. Somehow that doesn't feel like much consolation but in some ways it does. It hurts to look back at the past and think that he didn't love me enough but I can't change the past or the feelings that were there at the time from both of us. We only have the moments we are living in and if that is how he feels now then that's a good thing he has realised that.
DeleteThe difference in all of this is how I feel. I have gone from the one who loved him so much to being unsure... we have almost changed places because of what he has done.
I think the IS IT question can go round and round in your head. You have the right at any stage to change your mind and want out. You have been hurt and maybe it's too much to get over. I don't know from my point of view if that is the case yet or not but I know that I can choose that if I want to and in these early days I flit between go and stay many times a day.
I'm trying to just believe that one way or another things will work out and they usually do. It's just that we are so hurt and traumatised that its hard to see anything else going forward.
I firmly believe there will be life after this no matter what. I just have to live through this shattered view of my life and work out what I want and what will make me happy and it may take me some time to work this out and that sounds like what you are doing...and that's OK.
Anonymous,
DeleteI think what you're dealing with is quite common. For these guys -- who knew exactly what they were donig and, therefore, don't experience the shock that we do when it's disclosed -- they have something of a reckoning where they really do realize just what they almost lost. Suddenly the stakes become clear and they can't believe they almost lost what really mattered.
For us, however, the shock takes a long time to digest. So when we're suddenly dealing with someone who's clinging to what he almost lost, we're just absorbing this story that was going on completely without our knowledge. And we're left wondering whether or not we want to give this person a second chance. After all, they might suddenly have clarity but we're more confused than ever. We thought we were married to one person only to discover that he is quite a different person than we thought.
And so...if we choose...we take our time to let our bodies/minds absorb the shock. In the meantime, we can watch and see whether this "new" person has truly reckoned with the pain he's caused, whether he's really working hard to make amends. Even then, we're not obliged to give him a second chance. We don't owe him a thing except honesty.
So I'm not surprised at all that you're confused. A lot of us are for quite a long time. I felt like you did. "NOW you suddenly realize you don't want to lose me? Seriously??"
So give yourself time. Or don't. But if you're unsure, I usually recommend just focusing on you and your healing. It does become clearer. But it takes a long bloody time.
I'm 6 years out since DD and I have not been reading the "betrayed wives" posts in my inbox for the past 8-9 months. I haven't needed them as much as I desperately did in the past - and I event felt that the betrayed wives email reminders were a little bit of a trigger in themselves (although incredibly helpful of course). But after almost a year of ignoring these posts, today I felt like opening it and reading this one. I felt like I could handle them again and wanted to see how it felt to read it again. WOW! It was so relateable and on-point for where I am in my journey. After 6 years we are still working on some small triggers that come up, or feelings of sadness that we had to go through all this. But the moments are getting smaller and smaller, and I've finally understood them for what they are, and can work through them quickly. My husband is extremely loving and helpful through all of it, so that helps. I'm still not at a place where I can fully see how the infidelity has changed us for the better, I hope some day I can. Of course I know it has changed bad habits and opened us up in ways, but I still see the entire thing as a horrible adventure for the most part, and would like to see it differently some day. I have been working at integrating this entire process (the infidelity and the years it took from us fighting and scared, etc) into a bigger picture of our marriage somehow. I need that next step. Thank you for this post today, it meant a lot to me!
ReplyDeleteStillgoing,
DeleteI'm really glad this post resonated with you. And I completely get how reading this site can feel triggering when you're moving on from it. As I'm so far out -- 13 years -- much of what I write about, though it still relates to infidelity, is really about sustaining a relationship. It's about trust, and honesty, and learning how to navigate boundaries. I continue to learn in ways that helps all my relationships, not just with my husband.
As for whether you'll get to a point where you see that the infidelity has made thngs better...I wouldn't push that. It might never happen. The infidelity might remain a horrible painful experience that, even if good came out of it, was still overwhelmingly negative. And that's okay. You don't have to view it a certain way to feel healed from it, to be able to move on from it. Relationships are dynamic -- they continue to evolve for many reasons, not just becauase of the bomb of infidelity.
I'm glad you commented. I genuinely enjoy hearing the stories and thoughts of the readers here, though I get that lots find it too hard to share, or just aren't so inclined. But we learn so much from each other that I want you to know I'm grateful for your input here.
I wanted to make sure to respond and let you know how much your site and writings have helped me and so many out here. I agree that you aren't just writing about infidelity, that it is about healing, growing, trust, and all that encompasses deeper connections. I'll also add that I would like to get to a place in this journey with my h where I can see the infidelity as a specific time in our lives that we passed through - not unlike thinking back to the period when we were dating prior to being married; or the years surrounding our first child's birth; or years surrounding our big move, etc etc. I can place those periods of time (with change and growth) in specific spaces in my journey. I want to be able to do that with the infidelity. I would like to be able to package it up, and see the 5+ years it took to become human again, as a "time" in my life. Do you see it that way with your own journey? I think I am starting to get there, it feels like it, and I like that feeling FINALLY. I guess I would just want to let others know that time will help separate you from those horribly raw feelings, and bring you to something wiser but also bring you back to yourself. I know you've said these things but it has taken me a long time to believe it. Thank you!
DeleteI have not posted in a long time but today I felt like I probably should. I’m past the five year mark and even though it’s been a really rough journey... I finally feel healed from the worst part of our marriage... I have been changed in so many ways but so has my h. We have had to deal with the affair and pain caused by those choices while simultaneously dealing with family issues both good and bad...it’s been over a year since our mother passed away and we have a beautiful granddaughter added and a forth on the way. I’m dealing with the after effects of emergency oral surgery and expecting back surgery in the spring... but seeing the change in my h over these years is remarkable... but I’m really proud of my changes. I was always the yes person...please everyone except self...typically a mother to everyone...well I’m not that person anymore...took a while for family and friends to see me putting my needs ahead of their ‘requests’ for my time...this included my h as well...I learned from the first year of battles that his choice was not about me/us but his desire to run away from the reality of life...she made that possible but it was very temporary for him...it lasted over two years but only because she pursued him until he had enough...he continues to support me through the current situation with my health and the cleaning up of the old home place my sister and I grew up with...I have always had patience but I’m finally having patience with myself... I allow time for things for my health that I used to put on the back burner....I’m stronger than I thought I would ever be! I know that even if our marriage had not survived that I would still be able to find happiness because I know that only I can find what I need to make me happy! I missed y’all these past months!
ReplyDeleteTheresa! It has been a long time. And I'm am SO HAPPY to hear how well you're doing (even with surgery on the horizon). And glad to hear that your husband (and the rest of your family) have stepped up to recognize that you are the heartbeat of the whole bunch and that you need to prioritize your own health and well-being.
DeleteYou are an inspiration, my dear friend.
Theresa... im coming up soon on 5 years too we were thick as thieves so many years ago when our hearts were freshly broken and i too enjoy hearing from you an old friend if u recall while in tremendous emotional pain 6mo after dday i found myself in severe physical pain, i had to have back surgery too and totally rely on my husband who just broke my heart and brought me to to my knees in a totally shitstorm w a crazy ow that just wouldnt go away. i sometimes wonder did betrayal cause me such distress my body so frayed and my spirit so wounded that it actually caused me to need this surgery or was the timing coincidental? Idk and i dont dwell on it. The back pain after was so much less i was thankful but the restriction and healing downtime gave me so much time to just think ... so days were tortured hours of overthinking other days were enlightening and i learned so much during my time recovering ... i became thankful for the little things in life, for standing, walking for stopping to listen to the birds or wind blow i learned great selfcare in saying no or things being good enough or most important for perfection to be overrated and exhausting i mean he cheated anyways now good enough the house is or the laundry can wait to play with kids. Youll find much walking is required after and this is good me time to watch mindless shows or meditate and listen to surroundings as you walk even maybe walk and have a good cry i recall the sun on my face and how happy i was to be standing baking cookies w my family a holiday after surgery. Perhaps surgery was gods way to slow me down and have me sit idle i reevaluated much of my life during those 12 weeks. Best wishes to you honey and godspeed a successful surgery and speedy healing. Positivity and patience is most important as is dropping your guard to let your husband help you. Maybe 5years out alot easier then 6mo after dday. Big hugs ive been there me too ... you will thrive
DeleteI am several months shy of 5 years from D-day and while I know I am not the same person I was prior to that awful moment in time I do believe I am more grounded in reality and life than I ever was before. The illusion I had of my marriage of 40+ years has basically dissolved and although I am legally married I really do not feel like I ever had a marriage now that I know the truth about my husband and the way he lived his life. We are truly friends now. We have some really great times and we laugh a lot. I make a lot more decisions than ever before and we are more equal all of the time. I can still be undermined and blindsided by unexpected triggers but we talk about them. I am much quicker to right my emotional boat than he is these days. He still tells me how much respect he has for me knowing that I stayed with him and that he will forever be grateful for the chance to make everything up to me. I stayed at first to protect my adult kids and grand kids but now that so much time has passed, I don't worry so much about them if he "relapsed" which he firmly says he will never do. I'm much wiser now. I am much more compassionate now. I am much freer now and I live with some pretty firm boundaries that keep me feeling safe and sane. I don't always come here anymore but I know Elle is here. Betrayal has changed me deeply and while I never would have asked for this type of event to change me, I am changed for the better. I am stronger, wiser and definitely more grounded.
ReplyDeleteAnd Beach Girl -- another old friend! Yes, I know that you are all those things because we all watched your evolution. You sound amazing! And it sounds like, right now, you are where you want to be. Today. Right now. Brava, Beach Girl.
DeleteI'm not as far away like any of you from D- day .(18 months)I remember I found out the same day I was going to pick my family from the airport ( including my husband).It was a longer than ever trip.I had to wait few days to tell him about what I had discovered. The same week I was going through it my uncle called to tell us about his cancer and my aunt die unexpectedly from a heart attack.It was the worst week I have ever had. Few moths after I got sick and finally got diagnosed with MS. Just telling this to show how bumpy the road was these days. A year ago it seems impossible to recover from the betrayal but now ,even though I still struggling, I can say that not all my days are bad,or full of pain.Of course, I had worked and cried a lot but I can picture myself now getting better and moving slowly from this mess I was put into. Dealing with some parts of the infidelity are harder than others(like my feelings concerning the OW) but I pat myself for being so strong and brave with most of it. Just wanted to say to those who are just finding out now and are not able to see it. It will get better with time,keep taking care of yourself and take one day at the time. Might look like and endless path but things will get better with or without your husbands help( in my case I still married and recently celebrated our 27anniversary). There is hope outside waiting for us! Thanks everyone for sharing your stories too!
ReplyDeleteLili, You are such a warrior. You have been marching through hell and, wow, here you are emerging on the other side of it. Thank-you for sharing that with the rest of us. It really does help to know that others have battled through (and not just infidelity but pain upon pain upon pain). Thank-you.
DeleteI feel like betrayal has reshaped me in ways I can't even comprehend, not really. Maybe not ever. After giving birth to my first child and beginning the motherhood experience, I remember feeling that my mind - my literal brain matter - had been permanently altered. There was no going back to the way I was before. I was diagnosed with PPD/anxiety so this may have been a contributing factor. I just know that starting down the road of parenthood was a life-altering event for me. Same for betrayal. A double betrayal. Husband and supposed close friend of mine carried on weekly for a year-and-a-half. He/I had been married 20 years when he chose the path of adultery/deception as a "remedy" for his inner discontent. We are 14 months out from discovery-day, and my mind is still boggled. He was the good guy, the golden child, the "superstar" (a nickname given to him by a former boss). Everyone loved him. LOVED HIM. But was he ever being his true self? Which parts of him were true and real? Can a person love another while simultaneously deceiving? When all blew up and he had to decide OW or us, he chose our family (based on what I've heard about OW's reaction to discovery, she was hopeful he would leave us for her - and has since divorced her husband). I suppose I am to feel thankful for this. For him re-choosing me. For finally doing that inner work we all have set before us. For going to therapy and recovery groups and reading all the books/articles about how he got here and having trustworthy men-friends helping him through. And...I am thankful. I am. But...I also feel humiliated that the man I selected to partner with through life and with whom I've conceived three children would do such a thing. His (and her) moron choices have obliterated our circle of friends. There are prolific entanglements (same neighborhood, same church, kids are friends, other couple's extended families attend same church, etc - a god-awful SOAP OPERA). Recently a mutual friend (who I really like) posted a smiling, happy pic of her/OW on Instagram. Many, many people who know what's happened - who have witnessed this woman's disregard for my family - and hers! - "liked" the photo, a couple telling her of her "beauty". It crushed me. So, social media is not an option for me at the moment. Which incites yet more resentment bc it feels like even more loss of community for me. And it really does feel like people just get away with bad behavior: infidelity, insensitive posts on IG, and otherwise.
ReplyDeleteBetrayal has caused me to feel less confident about being my true self. I genuinely felt I could be my true self with my husband, more than anyone else in my life. Felt that for years. He was always so kind and listening (though became meaner and more impatient with me during duration of his affair). I thought we had a good marriage. He agrees we did (?!?!?). Nowadays, it feels harder to be as open and authentic with him as much as I once was bc I think...I already did that and look what happened.
Husband/I are part of an online support group called Affair Recovery (Austin, TX) and in one of the videos I recently watched, these words are spoken by founder Rick Reynolds (who had an affair w his wife's friend): "The problem with my infidelity is that I never had to bear the pain for it. The person you cheat on ALWAYS has to carry the pain of your failure. If there's going to be any reconciliation, the person that bears the pain will be your mate. They have to walk the Via Dolorosa." And that's exactly what it feels like. But I ain't no Jesus and I don't know how to walk this road.
Jana, I'm so sorry for all you're going through. It is still early days , and I think you are doing remarkably well given all that you are coping with in your "soap opera" of a life. I too struggled with esteem issues and beating myself up for choosing the man I did. But the truth of the matter is your husband made the choice to go outside your marriage so the 'humiliation' is his to own. Give it time, it sounds like your husband is working hard to prove he can be a better man. As Elle always tells us, all we have to do is keep taking the next right step for us. We're all on this road together, one step at a time. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteSorry for coming late to the party, but I'm not on my computer every day.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest noticeable change is my lack of trust. As some might know my H's year long affair was decades ago. Before home computers, before experts on infidelity wrote books and articles for the average person, before cell phones. As far as I knew and believed, it was always assumed to be the wife's fault when a H strayed. The wife wasn't making him happy at home. She was lacking in some respect. It took me years to figure out that theory was pure bull!
I used to firmly believe in the sisterhood of women. Just as I would never consider cheating on my H, I simply didn't comprehend predatory women. So, when my H met the 2nd Carol in his life at work, I looked upon her as a co-worker not a threat. I believed all the phone calls from her were work related. I didn't know that women would actually go after a married man with 3 children. She dressed sexy, always stood close to my H when he was in the office, made suggestive advances, planned drinks after work with the whole office but narrowed it down to just 2, invited him to her apartment for sex, etc., etc. I believed my H 100% each time he lied to me.
Until I caught them in a motel room via phone, where I heard her voice. That's the exact moment I lost my trust.
I know it was my H's choice to have an affair but she made it very hard to resist. It was then that I learned about "spouse poaching". I, to this day, have a hard time trusting anyone. I've turned into a show me type of person, a little harder than I ever was, a little wiser.
But that's just what happened, a consequence of his affair.
Love to all,
Carol, the First
PS, we're working on our marriage daily & working toward celebrating our 59th anniversary this year.
59 years! That's incredible, Carol. Can't imagine ANY marriage of almost 60 years that doesn't hold at least some pain and disappointment along with all the joys and contentment.
DeleteI can't thank you or praise you enough, Elle, for the wonderful work you do on this site. One of my "if only's" is that you weren't around in 1981. I would not have spent so much time believing the wrong information that was popular at the time and I would have healed much sooner. But, triggers become fewer as time goes by; however, when they do kick in, this is my go to safe place. Again, thank you for your excellent work on all our behalf.
DeleteCarol, the First