If you've thought at all about how your cheating is affecting her, you likely imagine just how angry she'll be.
And yes, she probably will be angry. She might throw you out of the house. She might empty your closets and toss your clothes on the front yard. She might call up your mother and let her know just what a scumbag she raised. That's probably what you're picturing, right? If you're picturing anything at all. If you've considered that you might get caught.
But you know what's also possible? What's likely?
That her face will register utter bewilderment that the person she trusted with her heart has broken it. You might not be there to see it. She might discover your betrayal by stumbling over a message or a photo on your phone. Or she might get a phone call from someone who starts the conversation with "I don't know how to tell you this but there's something you should know..."
But then she'll ask you. Is this true? And if you man up and tell her the truth, you'll see it: bewilderment. Shock. And then a shattering.
But that's just the beginning. This isn't a storm cloud that blocks the sun for a day, or two, or three. This is an entire climate shift, a new reality, that will change everything for weeks and months and, yes, even years.
In the days following her discovery of your betrayal, she will cry a million tears. Just when you – and she – think there couldn't possibly be any more tears, they will fall.
They will fall when you try and hug her. They will fall if you refuse to hug her. She will fight them when she's tucking your kids into bed but they will come later. When she's still awake at 3 a.m., they will roll down the sides of her face and soak into the pillow. She will be wondering how she could have missed this, how you could have lied to her face. She will be rethinking every choice she made related to you, starting at the very first meeting. She will wish she'd never met you, never said 'yes', never said 'I do.'
She will be imagining what you did with the Other Woman. It won't matter that it wasn't like that at all. You've told her that. It was nothing, you've told her. It didn't mean anything. But she will still picture you two, like porn stars, doing things she can barely imagine. She will imagine you two laughing at her, taking delight in her cluelessness. She won't yet understand that you didn't think about her at all. And if you did, it was only to imagine how angry she'd be. To consider how you'd better be careful so she didn't find out.
The tears will eventually stop, replaced by...what exactly? This isn't your wife. Your wife is warm and loving. This new wife, this zombie, will frighten you. Is she thinking about leaving you? Why doesn't she want to be touched? Why is she so...volatile? Or numb?
Her pain is there buried beneath a numbness that allows her to function without feeling. It's survival. Nobody can sustain that level of pain. We need a break from it. Our bodies and minds numb us. You didn't expect that, did you? If you thought about it at all.
But you didn't, did you? You didn't think about it. Except to justify it to yourself. To tell yourself that "nobody" was getting hurt. That "nobody" is barely recognizable to you now, isn't she? She's not the woman she was. She's distant and moody. She's thin.
Yes, she's very thin.
She hardly eats because food tastes like the ashes of her burned-down life. You lit the match for that. She knows that.
Which is why it's so confusing to recognize that she still loves you. That she wants to believe you when you tell her that it's over, that it was nothing. That she is who you love.
She wants to believe but how can she? You're a liar. Yes, I know you balk at that word. Just like you spark with anger when she calls you cheater. But you are those things, aren't you? A liar and a cheater. You hadn't thought about it those stark terms, had you? If you'd thought about it at all.
But you didn't. Think about it, that is. You really didn't think about it.
And even now you don't want to think about it. Which is why you're so damn tired of her wanting to talk about it. Of her wanting to know more. Always more. Where did you go with her? she asks. What did you talk about? Did you tell her you loved her?
How to make her understand that none of that mattered? That it meant nothing, even if you told the OW you loved her. You didn't mean it. It was a way to keep the fish on the line, so to speak. To keep the supply coming. You hadn't thought you were hurting anyone. You hadn't thought.
That's the truth, isn't it?
You hadn't thought about it at all.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I think if I share this with my H, he will jump off a bridge. Very well written. Really captures what I’ve gone through in the last 8 months.
ReplyDeleteBecause he'll be so depressed with himself? Why do you think he'd react like that? Has he not SEEN how devastated you are?
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteWhen the affair came out, he was suicidal. He sent me a picture looking straight down from the top of the building he was working on. When he came out of the fog, he was ashamed and embarrassed and hated himself. He had been in turmoil through the majority of the yearlong affair. The AP was a narcissist. She spent the first 2 months making him feel good and he became addicted. The next 10 months were torture, hoovering, flaunting other men at him, etc. This was so against his morals. He couldn't understand why he couldn't stop. He said she was hollow, but he kept looking for what she gave him at first. Whenever she thought he was pulling away, she would come back around. He began to think about suicide about 3 months before Dday, 8 months after she first threw herself at him. He was trying to break free. He would say he was in a meeting when she would call. He made sure we were going out both nights of the weekend. He even brought my daughter with him places so he wouldn't be able to be with the AP. Yes, he has seen how devastated I am and that has made him hate himself more. Several times, he has asked me if I would be better off if he were dead. I would not be better off without him. We've been together for 32 years. Our kids are grown and going to be leaving the house soon. We are best friends. He truly does love me and he never stopped acting like it during the affair. Yes, we had fights over the "friendship" he couldn't give up because it would look bad. But he also professed his love to me every day, told me I was a "godsend" and we are best friends and he meant it all. He never stopped loving me. But he got caught up in the addiction. He said it was like a drug. He takes full responsibility and
DeleteExactly. It sounds like I wrote it too. One year and four months later...even tho he’s always with me now I still can’t trust him and when I think of them together my stomach hurts so much....even tho he says nothing happened...yeah right...6 hours together worth of talking....they lie so much to save face. And that whore....she knew he was married...and she’s married too...but she always wanted him...she wish she was married to him...
DeleteThat is very powerful. It captures the raw emotions, the roller coaster. It is all hitting me as I come up on 5 years since dday. My husband brought it up this weekend that he is sensitive to it coming up even though he never remembers the exact date. We had a good talk and talked about how it is a painful day but also a good one. Without dday we would not be where we are. Who knows if we would have lasted etc. No one will ever but knowing my husband he was trying to hold it together and there is no way he could keep all those secrets forever. Thank you for sharing this post
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, Hopeful 30. Happy (??) D-Day...
DeleteI want my H to read this so bad but he will just accuse me of shaming him, when these are literally the thoughts in my head everyday
ReplyDeletebonabeaner,
DeleteI worry that you're protecting him from the pain he's caused. He shouldn't be "accusing" you of anything. He should be listening and trying to understand the impact his behaviour has had on you. I recognize that shame is huge for a lot of these guys and most of us will do anything to avoid feeling it. But that avoidance is often what gets a lot of these guys in trouble. He needs to man up and own his part in this.
What if you asked him to read it by saying how important it is to you that he acknowledge the hurt he's caused and how you want him to understand your experience? Would he do it then? What sort of response do you want from him? Would you be okay if he read it but didn't say anything about it? Or are you really after something more -- an apology? A true acknowledgement of how much hurt he's caused? I guess I'm asking you to get clear on your motive for him reading it. And then to be clear in what you're asking for.
If only he had thought...
ReplyDeleteThis post got me a little choked up. It’s so accurate. Thank you, Elle, for putting into words exactly what it feels like. I wish everyone contemplating cheating could read your words.
Like Hopeful, I’m approaching 5 years. Next month, in fact. That date is burned in my brain. Yet, I am so far from where I was almost 5 years ago. Better in many ways but still a work in progress in others.
Dandelion, my 5 year earthquake is mid June. He doesn't know the exact date until he does because it is a significant date for our best friends. I'm damned if I can learn how to sidestep the gut-wrenching triggers on certain dates. I'm so far from where I was and I am so different in so many ways but nobody really knows but me how different I am inside from all this. I keep coming back because of Elle's testimonial that things do get better and that she lives a life now that looks to me like all this stuff rolls off her back. I want that for me, so so much.
DeleteBeach a Girl,
DeleteIt’s a tough thing. Like you, dates trigger me. It’s almost as if my body and brain can sense a date coming up and my mood changes. I will say that they’re not nearly as bad for me as they were. And I’m reminded of how far I’ve come. I was SO angry and hurt in the early days. All of that has dulled over time but the memories are not completely gone.
I’ve watched, through reading your posts over the years, how you’ve gone through this process and I’ve seen so many positive changes in you. You’ve really come so far.
And like you, I hope for a time that we look back on the horrible times in our lives as distant memories.
Hugs! ❤️
Dandelion, there is a great book by Bessel Vander Kok called "The Body Keeps the Score" and it is true that we have limited control over the triggers until we learn to anticipate and manage the known dates. That being said, this past January was a bad one for me around my anniversary and the last anniversary of his whore experience during our anniversary trip. I ended up in the ER with an irregular heart beat and my blood pressure has not yet settled down while he is cool as a cuke. He did the work to manage all that caused his sex addiction and i still suffer the consequences. I've really done well overall but this is something that will always lurk and it is those times when I least expect it that bring me to my knees. This new Hillary documentary talks about her personal experience when her husband told her. It just resonates big time. Hugs back to you.
DeleteDandelion and Beach Girl,
DeleteWow, amazing for both of you. Five years was really a turning point for me. It was the start of that WHOLE thing feeling, finally, behind me rather than still in the shadows.
And yes, a whole lot of healing happens in those five years. None of us is where we'll be in a year, or two or ten. But neither are we where we were.
I'm approaching year 3 of D day. He cheated for years, both drunk and sober, with who knows how many women. The one I discovered was with a whore in room 10 in a motel on the main drag in town. We had to go into town today and I asked him to please take a different road which takes longer. He got agitated and demanded why we had to take the other streets. I told him because I never want to go by room 10 at the whorehouse motel ever again. He replied to "get over it." I told him people never forget such pain and it's difficult at best if not possible for some to do that. I saw a LCSW who flat out laughed at me for choosing to stay for the love of our cow/calf operation and shouldn't be upset/hurt for making that choice. I was just asking for coping skills to get through it. What I really wanted to say to the SO was "Did you get over either of your wives betraying you?" knowing it was a rhetorical question. I feel like the knife keeps being twisted in my back and I'd really like to just heal and make the best of things. He repulses me in certain ways and it will never be what it was. But how do I move forward with someone so self centered? I believe he is so brash/hurtful because he has low self-esteem. I'm not excusing him for his hurtful ways or blaming myself in any way. Any advice is appreciated.
DeleteI agree with Hopeful 30. A very powerful post. All that is true even if my husband chose prostitutes. The pain ran deep and wide and the scars are still there. Sometimes I still look at him and wonder about the alien I married? You know, the one who had all those compartments to put his life into so it wouldn't spill over and touch? Funny how the fear of having AIDS changes ones perspective on everything. I suspect my husband would also want to jump off a bridge if he read this too. The pain for him is still there and so is the shame. He could do a lot more work but that is up to him. Thanks for writing all this down so nicely Elle.
ReplyDeleteEvery single word written in this post is on point. I'm almost 3 years into this horrific nightmare of a journey and even though the clouds started to clear at the 2.5 year mark, tears are streaming down my face. Yes Elle, you captured the shock, horror and pain so perfectly xo
ReplyDeleteSometimes it helps just to have someone put words to our pain.
DeleteOh, Elle, you nailed it again. It's been 4 1/2 years since I discovered my husband's other life. I have more good days then bad now, but it seems whenever I am dealing with health issues , lack of sleep or family challenges, I struggle. It's heart-breaking to know that the man I trusted with my heart could do what he did, lie to my face for years, and inflict such pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. All because he didn't take time to 'really think about' the devastation his choice would render. Thank you once again for putting into words what all who come here have been unfortunate enough to experience firsthand. As always, there is comfort found when you know others understand all too well what you have gone through.
ReplyDeleteJenna,
DeleteI'm sorry you still struggle though I think that's true for a lot of us. I have to be careful that I don't use my husband's infidelity as something of a trump card, whenever I'm tired or unwell or stressed. A sort of "my back hurts and I haven't slept well and my husband is an asshole who cheated on me..." I can be guilty of that kitchen sink thinking, whereby I mentally catalogue all the ways in which my life sucks at the moment, always including my husband's betrayal. The truth, for me, is that was a long time ago and my husband has been faithful longer than he was unfaithful. And yet...it can rear its head when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I am, however, more conscious when I do so and try, instead, to focus just on those things that I am genuinely feeling and can do something about.
Thank you for this post. My H also said he didnt think about me even though he knew if it ever happened I said I would leave in a heart beat. He said he tried to justify what he was doing...he said they didnt mean anything and it was the power and excitement as well as his insecurities and lack of emotion for his cheating. He played on womens weaknesses, led them to believe he cared about their failures including their terrible marriages, gave them an ear and a shoulder to cry on and then they were hooked with him as the sensitive nice man who cared about them when their own husbands didnt or had them believe that their own divorces were not their fault and there are great guys out there. He preyed on other vulnerabilities and then he had them. So sad. What he didnt think about was me. Was us, was our family, our finances and the list goes on. He didnt think of anyone but himself. I am still here going on 1.5 years since Dday and still trying to hang on...
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteWhat your husband told you is what I hear from a LOT of men who cheated. It was almost like a game. The women were barely human beings to them. They were conquests and distractions.
Your husband's insight is, I hope, helping him better understand what he did and how to ensure it doesn't happen again. Although, of course, your pain is likely still very raw. You'll get there. Keep the focus on you and what you need to heal. Prioritize your own self-care and nurturing.
Oh my. Yes, this exactly. I wish I could have read this immediately after I uncovered my husband secret life. The disbelief, the shattering, the sleeplessness...such a validating post. I remember thinking I was losing my mind and had no idea what to do or where to turn.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elle, for this and for all you do. I hope you are well and your family, too.
Susan Grace,
DeleteI too thought I was losing my mind. The world felt like it was upside down. I was so lost and so lonely for women like you to remind me I would get through this.
That was the first question I asked him, what were you thinking and how could you do that and think about us...his answer of course was I wasn’t thinking about us and then I didn’t think you would ever find out...bless his compartmented heart! He now knows that he should have thought it through and that he probably wouldn’t have made those choices...too late...you did! Well written post and I feel sure that I did make him read your letter to h...One day at a time...still working hard to survive that time period!
ReplyDelete"I didn't think anybody would get hurt." Famous last words, huh?
DeleteThis was one of the most meaningful posts I have read. It makes me feel understood in a situation that is unexplainable.
ReplyDeleteUnless this has happened to you there is no way to describe the ultimate devastation of life as you know it. Like so many of you here time has helped but the memory of that day...that knife in my back gut wrenching day, will never go away.
So true. I think even those of us who've gone through couldn't have imagined just how excruciating it would be.
DeleteThis post choked me up and flashed me back to standing in my foyer on dday the deer in head lights, the bewilderment and then the rush of pure pain as my heart broke and I tried to focus and comprehend the words coming out of his mouth as a huge AH HA echoed in my gut that I had shushed for sooo many years this is why at times it felt off! And then i fell to my knees thinking of my kids and years of puzzles pieces started rapidly shooting from my mind to a vision in front of me that made me scream you motherfucker and then i put my shoes on made him to me to her house to retrieve things i puzzled together that was mine and i took back, i hopped on the phone cut off her phone, her cable poof bitch i know the gig is up. I confronted her, she cowered and then i drove home and fell apart running thru the post exactly how Elle so brillantly writes. Im different today some ways betterment and some ways wounded. He might have known id be angry what he didnt think of is how my eyes would go blank id be lost functioning on auto pilot for my kids sake and praying that the deafing silence of sleepless nights would fade and my eyes would adjust before work from being puffy and sore. Im 5 years out soon ... im no longer crying on the bathroom floor, im no longer numb in the land of flatness but i have greatly changed. Wounded not broke .
ReplyDeleteWounded, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. You’re a true warrior and inspiration of survival. Thank you for sharing.
DeleteWounded,
DeleteYes, it truly changes us. No way to unring that bell.
Dear Elle, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how I feel.
My second D Day was just 3 weeks ago, it happened on my birthday as well.
Yes, my husband cheated on me twice, with the same woman. And right now, I don't know if I want to save our marriage or have a divorce. I don't know...
Perhaps this is my zombie phase. I'm not sure how long it will last. At this point, I just wish he takes the first step and leaves me instead. It'll be easier for me... perhaps
Shanty,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Can you share what happened? Did he cheat again or had he never stopped? What is he saying? Does he want to rebuilt the marriage? How does he expect you to give him a second (third!) chance?
You don't have to make a decision right now. That zombie phase can give us the chance to just breathe and put one foot in front of the other until we feel better able to make a choice rather than just react from pain.
But...he clearly has a whole lot of work to do. And he owes you total honesty and transparency. If he can't do that, he's already telling you that he's gone.
Wow. If you had written this 6 years ago, I would have made my H read it. This would have been the 2x4 upside the head that he needed. Nailed it.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous55
There are days that I think an actual 2x4 would be more satisfying.
DeleteThis. was. incredible. I am 7 years out and it resonates so deeply. Except I did recognize that he wasn't thinking of me and that "she" wasn't better, or even the issue. But 7 years in, I recognize that he wasn't thinking of me because he lacks the capacity to think of me. I see him constantly struggling with wrapping his head around other people's experiences. I think he just draws a blank. His parents taught him that his needs didn't matter so I think that he ended up clueless to the give-and-take/reciprocal nature of thinking of others--sometimes more than yourself. He can only focus on himself because his belief is that no one else will. Its a harsh reality when you have proof that your partner doesn't actually think about you. Lovely writing, Elle.
ReplyDeleteMBS,
DeleteI remember my therapist explaining to me that in a dysfunctional family there are often two responses: My needs matter and yours don't. Or your needs matter and mine don't. My husband learned the first lesson. I learned the second. So, in that twisted way, we were a good match for each other. I gave. He took.
In order to have a healthy marriage we each needed to learn that his needs matter and my needs matter and together we can learn to negotiate and compromise.
You describe your husband more as unable to understand that than unwilling. It's possible that he genuinely can't understand other people's needs -- even sociopaths can be "nice" people although they generally struggle with that empathy piece. Is he in treatment for that? Is it something he recognizes in himself and wants to do differently? Is he just so traumatized by his childhood that he lost that piece of his heart?
He is working on it but it is still a huge blind spot. We are separated but we still get into crazy-making, gaslighting arguments on occasion. After I calm myself down from the trauma it triggers, I always return to this realization that he has a huge blind spot about how to consider other people's perspectives and needs. He is convinced that I am out to get him and he is getting a raw deal. And most of the time I am coming from a place of thinking of other people's needs. So I get really confused when he treats me like i am trying to screw him or disempower him. The fights are usually about making decisions about what's best for the kids or sensible coordination. And more lately, I am just more assertive about my reasonable boundaries since he is pretty disorganized and chaotic. He just thinks I am just trying to be the boss, humiliate him, or make him feel small. The more I realize that he has distorted thinking and is angry that I don't accomodate everything he wants (I am his fantasy mother because unlike his mother, I am a really good caretaker (too good I guess). I also I don't ignore my kids in order to be at the beck and call of a narcissist spouse). Anyway, I am not sure if therapy, which we plan on doing next month, will fix this ingrained thinking.
DeleteI am 18 months out from D-day and just found your blog this week. Today's post is spot on. I'm wondering if I should have H read it. I see us both in there reflected in your words.. We have an extra twist to deal with as he suddenly lost vision over Christmas week (optic neuropathy). Very unexpected. We had been working on our relationship, successfully for the most part but now it's hit a wall. It was a hard, gradual process, he answered all questions that I would eventually ask once I learned about how the affair came about,etc. He was laid off last March, which may have been a good thing since she worked with him.. Yes, our life has changed with the disability, as well as his severance ending the same time period. All the stress has affected everything, bringing the ugly affair stuff flooding back. It's hard. Finding this blog helps me realize that I'm not alone, that others understand what I'm going through. That they too knew there were issues in the marriage, but had no clue an affair was going on until he didn't come home one weekend (mine was September 2018). And even then didn't admit he was with another woman, just said he needed to get away from the stress at work. I then saw a text from a woman on CarPlay when he was driving me to the airport to meet my daughter for a planned trip. My daughter knew the name--she'd had an internship the summer before at his company. She had been a dirty little secret until then. Apparently that was her passive/aggressive way of letting me know she existed (he said she knew he was taking me to the airport that morning),. He didn't like that, and told her so. It seemed to be the beginning of the end for the affair. Spending actual time with her, seeing what he was losing at home and how shocked and hurt I was., Anyway, thank you for listening, sorry if this is rambling. I am grateful for finding this page.
ReplyDeleteMaryBeth,
DeleteI'm so glad you found us. There's incredible strength in knowing that other people see our pain, know our pain and can remind us that we will get through this.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That's a WHOLE lot, including now having a husband with a disability.
Make sure that you prioritize your own care. Be gentle with yourself and patient with yourself.
And please don't hesitate to continue to share here. Rambling is perfectly acceptable, indeed encouraged.
Wow all the emotions of this and how you completely put every feeling I’ve ever felt in this blog.
ReplyDeleteEven when I’ve survived a season of this horrible new reality another layer is exposed and I now have to learn to navigate and survive that. I’m exhausted and hurt and scared and I have to just be ok. With all of those feelings to get through another day. I don’t always comment but I’m always here grateful for you and this blog ♥️
KarmaN,
DeleteThat's a good way of describing it -- another layer is exposed. I remember that feeling. Just when I thought I'd emerged from one stage of the pain, I'd get hit with another different one.
However, each stage brought me closer to healing, even when, sometimes, it didn't feel like it.
You'll get there too, KarmaN. We're grateful for you too.
Fifteen months since D-Day--December 8, 2018! First time to post but this blog hit me between the eyes. The eighth of every month is a huge trigger and the pain & hurt rushes back over me. I caught my husband on a late night secret telephone call with the OW---something he had been doing for 2 1/2 years. And that OW was MY SECRETARY and a close friend--A Double Betrayal. It was a heavy emotional affair that was completely hidden from me----emails, texts, photos, telephone calls. He swears there was no sex involved. But, he was totally wrapped up by the flattery and infatuation as I found out from the texts and emails. Emotional affairs are perhaps more devastating than physical affairs. We have been married 47 years. I was the primary breadwinner so finances did not enter into my decision to try to rebuild the marriage and relationship. I made the decision to tell no one who lives near us----no local friends, no family, and neither of the two daughters(ages 41 & 39). His reputation and the pedestal that our daughters have always thought of their father standing on remains intact. I was absolutely devastated and sank into my own private hell for about 4 months---crying every day. I went to a counselor who provided me the outlet I needed to talk through the feelings. Five months after D-Day, I shared the entire ugly story with my two closest girlfriends who live elsewhere. We met for a girls weekend. They know my husband and they also were close to the OW as well. Through tears and several bottles of wine, the story was told. I do not believe there has been any contact with the OW since December 20, 2018. YES, I have checked the phones and computer. His lies and secrets destroyed the implicit total trust that I used to have in him. Yesterday, the 8th, was particularly rough for me. H just wants me to "forget" and "get over it". "It was nothing!" "I did not have sex with that woman!" Time has helped.....I am not consumed with thoughts of the OW all the time. I do need to talk about it.....with him....the fact is "HE HAD AN AFFAIR!" He betrayed the trust and the marriage bond with his lies and secrets and actions. And, during this time, he had to have an aorta valve replacement surgery January 9,2020(note it was close to the 8th trigger) and he "coded" in recovery. The chaplain was sent to surgery waiting to tell me that they were doing everything they could to revive him. Needless to say this rattles you to the core. Those rosary beads got a workout for 4 days in ICU. He has recovered and is doing well. We will make it---I think. The pain and trauma of betrayal is definitely a huge knife stuck into your back and twisted into your gut. I hurt every single day when something reminds me of what he did to me or see something that triggers my thoughts of her. I am healing but I will never forget and will never fully trust him blindly like I did for 45 years! Thank you for your blog and specifically for this summary of what happens when Betrayal hits you between the eyes!
ReplyDeleteCrushed,
DeleteI'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. And yes, a double betrayal. How excruciating.
I don't doubt that your husband has struggled too, especially with the fallout of his physical health, which, of course, impacts us emotionally.
But here's the thing: He doesn't get to determine the timeline of your healing. He doesn't get to ask you to be "over it" or "move past it". He clearly doesn't recognize just how deeply hurt you are. It doesn't matter whether he had sex with her. Infidelity of any sort is a trust violation and those are deep primal wounds that change how we see the world and ourselves in it. It affects everything, from how safe we feel to how valued we feel to who we think we can trust. You will "get over it" a whole lot faster if he recognizes that and supports you as you heal.
Crushed, wow. Just when I think I've read it all I read something like your experience. I am so sorry for your travels through the hell of infidelity and viewing it through the lens of a long married life. I'm married more than 40 years also and found out almost five years ago that my husband started cheating right after we married. First an affair and then years of prostitutes and massage parlors and more. My husband has heart issues and won't see a doctor. After the stress of his disclosure I developed a heart issue that I am seeing a cardiologist about in a couple of weeks. I am almost at 5 years out and I still don't see any way of ever fully trusting him again with anything although he is now very transparent in everything. Just the fact that I know he knows how to find whores in a heartbeat and has no problem lying to my face creates a barrier between us that is my personal emotional safety cushion. He tells me he feels so close to me now that I know about him and his life but knowing what his life was like growing up and the choices he made as an adult means I am not convinced he has the capacity to feel close to anyone. I do think he feels something very different now than he did before but I don't know what that means for him. Regarding trust, I have taken Elle's words and given them to my husband. "As far as trusting you again, all I know is that if you step outside of the boundaries we agreed upon in our marriage again, you have chosen to leave the marriage." He knows this and continues to assure me that he will never do anything again that jeopardizes our marriage. I wish you more peace and emotional safety along your journey. Welcome to the club none of us wanted to belong to.
DeleteI feel you. It’s been one year and three months with a w..../friend that my h had an affair with for one moth before I found out (because I shut him out of my life for many years) she came along and give him the attention that I wasn’t giving him so he took it. He also said that he didn’t sleep with her this time, however she was his to w... when he was in between girls back in the day. I don’t believe him even if he’s doing everything possible to show his love for me. He tells me it was nothing and that she’s just a b.... I can’t forget about it even if he says that it all was finished the day I found out and never contacted her again. She tried but he did not respond. He says I’m the only woman that he loves never intended on leaving me but... even if his actions tell me so I can’t forgive him. I wish I could leave him to teach him that that is the consequence that would mess up his life just over a w.... that give him the attention that I did not give him for such a long time but I have no one to go to.
DeleteOMG, after I read this I thought about printing it out and sending it to my cheater husband. I found out 4 years after he cheated on me with my daughter (his step) when she was in her late 20's. Actually she seduced him. At the time of disclosure (from my daughter), he was also actively looking for another female online. He is so screwed up in the head and he totally destroyed me and our marriage. I got an injunction so he had to leave the home (May 1st, 2019. Of course when I think about how he is suffering, I feel bad. But then I think about what he did, and I gather my strength to carry on without him.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteHe's suffering? Well, no surprise there. He's likely spent a lifetime taking what he wants with little regard for who it hurts. So...no sympathy from me. He's long past time for a wakeup call to become a better person.
As for sending him this post, I suspect it would fall on deaf ears. Anyone capable of cheating with his stepdaughter isn't someone who's too concerned about who gets hurt. I'm so sorry you got caught up in such a betrayal.
I just found out today that my husband had sex with another woman a year and a half ago. He did it with one of his friends, the night I found out i was pregnant with our second child. I knew he was with her... i went a year and a half thinking he just went to blow some steam and talk to her... but i think deep down i knew.
ReplyDelete6 months before that i found out he was texting one of his old flings... I don't think anything physical happened with her. But I'm stuck, we have 2 kids. I'm so broken and I have no idea what to do. We moved out here 2 years ago, I dont know anyone here so I have no friends.
Liz,
DeleteI responded to your other post. I am so sorry for what you're going through. But, as I said elsewhere, you are among friends who know exactly what you're going through. You're stronger than you know. You will rise.