I watched the shock in her face be quickly replaced by a shattering. She looked as devastated as I felt. She reached across the table and took my hand as tears quietly rolled down her cheeks. I am so sorry, she said. Please. Tell me what I can do to help.
Her response, her compassion, was balm for my aching soul. And it felt good to finally tell someone. Well, as good as I was capable of feeling at the time.
Fast-forward 13 years and anyone discovering or dealing with infidelity is also dealing with a global pandemic that has many of us self-isolating in our homes to avoid spreading the virus. Loneliness is lousy at any time but it felt lethal when I was dealing with infidelity. Of course, it wasn't just an absence of people that was the problem, it was a sense of isolation in my pain. I felt. So. Alone.
What does this mean for those of you dealing with infidelity while also dealing with a global pandemic that has so many of us on edge?
It means what it's always meant. "My heartbreak, my rules", right?
It means laying down clear rules if he even wants you to consider reconciling:
•Absolutely no contact with the Other Woman. None. Nada. No "I need to tell her in person." No "I have to return something to her". No "she just wants to see me one last time." Nope. Absolutely not.
•Total transparency from him. Access for you to any and all phones, computers, devices. Passcodes. Secret e-mails. However they communicated now includes you. This isn't foolproof, of course. People can buy burner phones or they can create new e-mails. But an unwillingness to offer total transparency is an acknowledgement that he doesn't quite get it. He doesn't quite realize just what he's done to you and he doesn't quite get that everything has now changed, thanks to him. If he's unwilling to make himself uncomfortable in order to make you more comfortable, then he's revealing himself to be a bad bet for a second chance.
•Support for you. If you don't already have a therapist, please find one. Right now, with so much up in the air re. public contact, it might be worth finding someone who will do online sessions or by phone.
•More support for you. Do you have a trusted friend you can call when you need to talk? Do you have practices in place that help you feel sane – meditation, yoga, exercise, journalling, dog walking, hiking. Anything that gives you a little space to breathe, to remind yourself that you will get through this, that you're in the midst of a storm but the sun always ALWAYS comes out again.
•Patience for yourself. If your kids are out of school right now, like mine are, this can be a particularly stressful time, even without infidelity. As best you can, confine arguments/crying to times/places where your kids can't hear. That can be near impossible, of course, but do your best to at least reduce the conflict they're part of. Go for a solitary drive, if necessary, and scream into the void. With the glee of missing school, we can misunderstand just how anxiety-provoking this is for kids, especially special needs kids who often require habits and routine. Do your best. And forgive yourself when your best falls short. These are desperate times.
•Do not hurt yourself. Physically or emotionally. If you are prone to self-harm, this is the time to ramp up your self-care and rely more heavily on support. But we can often engage in pain shopping behaviours, like stalking her social media, driving past her house, or behaviours that exacerbate chaos, like drinking too much, over-shopping, etc. None of that will make you feel better. It might distract you briefly but then you'll have the additional pain of an overdrawn bank account or a brutal hangover (and remember, alcohol is a depressant).
•Rest. You do not need to make any decisions right now. In fact, I would discourage you from that unless your health is at risk (speaking of which, if there's any hysterical bonding, always ALWAYS use protection until both of you have tested negative for STIs).
We are in a challenging time. Never in my lifetime, and probably yours, have we dealt with a global crisis of this magnitude. It will change many of the things we've held to be unchangeable but there can be a silver lining in that. Like a marriage that had invisible cracks, like a partner who held secrets, the crisis is now out in the open where it can be dealt with, where healing can take root, where treatment can be offered.
Wherever you are right now, your life matters. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself and others. You are not alone. Not in the pain of betrayal or in your anxiety around this health crisis. We will get through this because we are stronger than we yet know.
Right now here in. Puerto Rico we are under curfew due to the corona virus. Just read a pos( joke) about divorces will raise after this curfew,also other jokes about getting to know your husbad/ wife and liking them.I personally told my husband it was going to be very good but not to get mad if "difficult times comes along too. My city had few earthquakes in January and we were in slow recovery( school has not started yet since Christmas) and because my husband works in a school we have been spending almost all this time together.Its being mostly good with few steps down. Corona or. Not coronavirus finding out or being dealing with infidelity still very hard.I don't have anyone to talk about ,besides my husband,who most ot the time just want to avoid talking.He thinks that we should focus on the present and let the past behind which is not as easy as he says. Today I have been wandering about forgiveness and about forgetting. I know that eventually I will forgive my husband, our life right now and our relationship is good. We have improve many things and he has been very willing to change , but I still have doubts about forgetting. I think I'm not going to be able to achieve this ever.No matter how hard I try those thoughts about the affair keep torturing me inside my head. It's hard because I'm having a good time in my marriage in the present time and I don't want to let that become an obstacle in my happiness. Will I be able to forget, to not be triggered by anything? What if I walk this path, a long and hard one just to find that I'm not able to forget.This is the only complaint I get from my husband sometimes. Sorry because maybe it has nothing to do with this post but thanks because it gives me the space to ventilate what's in my head . ( Just eighteen months in this rollercoaster)
ReplyDeleteLili,
DeleteI'm glad you found us. It's important to be able to share your thoughts and, as you'll discover, there are so many smart, wise, compassionate women here. There's also a lot of posts on "forgetting and forgiving" and, frankly, it doesn't quite work like that. I'm sure your husband does want you to move forward. He does want you to leave the past in the past. But that's because he, like most cheaters, do not want to be reminded of the horrible choice they made, they do not want to be reminded of the pain they've caused.
Well...that's too bad. Because they did make a horrible choice and the pain will reverberate for a long time to come. But here's the counter-intuitive part: The more you deal with it and talk about it and work through it NOW the more quickly you will move forward. NOT talking about it is a problem because then things just fester. Using this as an opportunity to learn how to have those uncomfortable conversations, to really learn how to listen to your pain, to be able to support you as you heal from this will ultimately create a much better marriage. You'll also notice that the tagline on this site is "My Heartbreak, My Rules". That's because it's YOU who's in a situation that you didn't create. But YOU get to decide how to heal from this -- and that usually means being free to talk about it whenever you need to. He doesn't set the rules right now, you do.
Here's a post you could ask him to read. It outlines just how important (and healthy!!) it is for you to talk about what happened: https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.html
My husband moved out for his affair partner 5 weeks ago today. We will be married 20 years April 15th. I have 2 daughters at home and it is literally taking everything I have to hold it together. They don't want to see or talk to him and haven't seen him in 2 weeks. He still calls or texts me everyday about something. I just don't u understand if he chose to leave why does he still want contact with me or say I'm praying for our situation. He is not the man I know as his values and morales are totally out the window. O have read several things about afraid fog and affairs not lasting. Do I throw 20 years away or see if he comes back to reality? Thank you for just letting me get this out. I just don't know what to do....
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Anonymous. It's hard to tell someone else what to do becuase, honestly, I think you know what's best for you. And I don't blame you for not wanting to walk away from a twenty-year marriage. And yes, affair fog is a real thing. His insistence on texting you daily speaks to his ambivalence.
DeleteHere's what I recommend: Have you heard of The 180? It basically is about refusing to make him comfortable while he decides which woman he wants to pick. It's about making it clear that you are not going to be his "wife" or even his "friend" while he behaves like a moron. You can read more about it in the link I'll include below. But I would cut off contact except as it pertains to your children and even then, it should only be absolutely necessary. Your girls are drawing clear boundaries. They are hurt and they are letting him know. You don't have to be a good sport in this. You don't want to poison their minds (though it sounds as though he's already done a good job of that) but you can make it clear to him exactly the price he's going to pay if he leaves his family. Here's about The 180: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
Elle thank you so much for responding. He did indeed call again this morning with the same scenario. He feels trapped, doesn't know what to do?? This went on for about 2 hours. I again reiterated there's no need for you to call until you make a clear choice. So again he said he will not call. We will see how long it lasts. There has literally only been 1 days that he has not called or text during this whole ordeal. I thank you again for responding and for the link.
DeleteOh Anonymous, I am so sorry you had to find us but welcome to the club nobody wanted to join. I sound like a broken record to those who have been here for the almost five years I've been here but the first thing I would advise you to do is to seek out the advice of a divorce attorney. This is to empower you so you don't feel so helpless. You may never act on it but having that knowledge is precious, or at least it was in my case. I was married almost 40 years when my husband told me he thought he had AIDS because he had been buying sex for years. Ummm, "my husband?" "Mr. Clean and moral and holier than thou?" Yep, one and the same. I felt so many things and my story is here all over the place but I did go see an attorney the second month after his disclosure. I did not tell him that until many months later after I gave him a year to get it together. One slip and we were done. In your case, it sounds like he already made a choice and it wasn't you so there is no reason for you not to protect yourself and your girls. Just do your best to ignore him unless he cuts you off financially and that is a big reason to seek legal advice. You cannot control him but you can control you. I'm giving you advice I might not have been able to take at that early tender time except I knew that I was not going to allow him to spend OUR money on whores and affairs without a fight. My husband has turned his life around and we made a complete change in our marriage life too but I did not believe that he could/would do it. I know he could still make a bad choice but at this point he knows clearly that if he makes one wrong move, he has chosen to leave the marriage and I will no longer protect him or his precious reputation with our adult kids who know nothing and adore him. So Anon, please, even in this day of the novel corona virus, please call around till you find a good divorce attorney who will give you 30 minutes of his/her time to discuss your situation so you know where you stand financially. He won't expect you to do this. I guarantee you that and he will be shocked and surprised when he finds out but girlfriend, you need to get a little pissed that he thinks he can move out and keep in touch with you. That is total bullshit. He could have done a lot of things before moving out like counseling but he chose to really break your heart and crush your soul so please just give yourself permission to be angry and take control of a little piece of your life because it will never, ever be the same again and you get to decide what it will look like. Big virtual hug.
DeleteUnknown,
DeleteIt's time to stop being his soft place to land. He's with another woman. For now, at least, he's made a choice. He just wants you to make him feel better about it. Don't do it.
Either don't answer his calls or become a broken record: "I'm not going to listen to you unless you want to come home and work on our marriage." And then, good-bye. Or insist that he text instead and you can decide to read them or not. You are available for emergencies regarding your children only. Don't make this any easier for him. He needs to understand the cost of his choice -- that he can't have you and this other woman too.
What Beach Girl wrote, above, is good advice. We don't want to sound harsh. We know how painful this is. But what he is doing is emotional abuse -- it is making you complicit. He is a grown-up and he needs to start acting like one. You are NOT his therapist.
The last few years have made me well acquainted with my body's reaction to stress and trauma. Using the lessons I learned from self caring my way through the infidelity years. Rest, exercise, remembering to breath, slowing my thoughts down, calling family and friends. The humility and vulnerability I learned from that time is allowing me to admit I am scared and anxious. It is allowing me to be present with fear and worry for my loved ones. Though this article about a cheating husband getting coronavirus and not telling his wife is pissing me off and I so want to send it to my husband in a fit of rage: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8121947/Cheating-husband-gets-coronavirus-secret-break-Italy-mistress.html?ito=social-twitter_dailymailUK
ReplyDeleteBe well, Elle and the BWC
Yeah, over on Twitter we've been trying not to giggle about the idiot getting COVID-19. Though I certainly hope his wife doesn't get it.
DeleteAnd yes, MBS, those skills we gain as we heal can serve us well in other ways too. Thank-you for admitting that you feel scared and anxious right now. I think a lot of us do but are sometimes afraid to admit it, or it gets tangled up in all the other emotions we're feeling. This is a difficult time for so many of us. Let's continue to metaphorically wrap our arms around each other.
hi elle.i came across your blog last sunday(march 22 2020).i was searching if should tex or call the OW...your blog is very timely...God is the only way for all betrayed spouses...Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice. Thank God for your blog!!!God bless us all..
ReplyDeleteHi. I stumbled across your blog while trying to search for answers or even a guide as to what to do.... At this difficult quaratine time I discovered my husbands infidelity a few days ago, for the last 4 years it has been going on with multiple partners and I'm completely torn apart and being stuck in the house with him and my two children is the most difficult thing I've had to do, my heart is literally ripped out and I can't show anything in front of my kids. My first inclination was to chuck him out and finish everything and I even told people about it because I was so angry. Now I have no idea what I want.. I don't know how to reconcile or even build anything after this. I also feel terrible pressure and guilt that if I consider not leaving that people will judge me harshly and perhaps it makes me weak or stupid.... Anyway... Thanks for writing this and letting me think I'm not alone and that I dont have to make any decision now and that I can survive ths.
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteI am so sorry for what you're going through. And to have ZERO distance available to you is really really tough.
But there are a few things I want you to know:
You don't have to know what you want to do right now. You're likely still in shock and most experts don't advise making a decision for months, when the shock has worn off and when you have a clearer sense of what's right for you. (In the meantime, if you are sexually active with him -- you can read more about hysterical bonding on this site -- then use protection.)
Re. what others will think: Those who have gone through this will know that you will make the best choice for you and your family. Those who haven't gone through this don't have an opinion that matters. It's like asking someone who's never had cancer how to live with it. They don't know. So ignore anyone who would EVER judge someone going through the worst pain of her life. With time, you will come to a place where you realize that you are the one who's going to have to live with your choices -- not other people. So do what's right for you. Our culture doesn't make it easy. So many of us are certain we know exactly what we'd do and it's usually along the lines of "kick him out". And then it happens to us. Statistically speaking, 85% of marriages survive infidelity. Again, do what's right for you and don't let anyone shame you for it.
Buckle up for the roller coaster. Your feelings on this will change minute to minute, day to day. So do your best to just ride it out. Put your "rules" in place (you'll see the tagline of this site is "my heartbreak, my rules", which means YOU get to set the terms of reconciliation. If he wants you to even consider reconciliation, he'd better get himself into some sort of therapy asap and do some serious soul-searching to figure out why he risked everything that mattered for people who didn't.
And finally, yes you will survive this. So many incredible women on this site have been where you are and we have come out the other side. Some divorced, some separated, many married, some still ambivalent. But we have learned to value ourselves, our experiences and our healing. You will too.
I was completely blindsided tonight when my husband's Tinder match found me on Facebook and informed me of their affair. He denied it, but his hand was forced when the other woman sent me screenshots discussing how amazing their love making was this past Sunday (it was hard to take in, but weirdly I am thankful that he cheated on me with a decent woman #girlcode) We have 3 young kids and have been safe at home since March 13th. I have been working from home since COVD19 hit. I am still working on my new normal, our new normal.It's. Really. Hard. He said he cheated because I wasn't giving him what he needed, I have been distant, he was missing our connection. I'm processing. I am Googling marriages, infidelity, women who choose to stay and work on their marriage- I am grateful for stumbling on this site and will probably be on here a lot in the coming months. I NEEDED TO READ THE ABOVE ARTICL . Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you found us and that this site has what you needed when you needed it. There are hundreds (thousands!) of posts on this site and they deal with healing from infidelity -- whether you choose to stay or go or remain unsure.
DeleteYour husband's blaming of you, however, is absolutely NOT the truth. He had plenty of options available to him that didn't involved cheating on you. If he wants you to even consider staying in the marrige, he needs to understand that his choice to cheat is completely on him. All marriages go through periods of challenge and you will no doubt accept some responsibility for the state of your marriage but NOT for his choice to cheat. So do not let him put this on you.
He also needs to delete that app and give you full and total access to his electronics/phone/computer/whatever. He needs to have ZERO contact with any of his "matches".
In the meantime, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I had three young kids when I discovered my husband's infidelity and it's so hard!
I just found out during this pandemic that my husband had been having a "chat" with another woman who is also married and with 2 kids. Bec of the shock of what happened, I asked him to leave the house and he had no choice when I took his phone. Little did I know that I would eventually uncover that he had been having an affair with a close friend of his,also married and with child, even before we were a couple. They've been having sex for 10 years including the 3 years we've been married. The pain is unbearable. Knowing that we've been wanting to have kids and I find out he's with someone else. He says it's just for sex because he finds me difficult to please in bed. But I really think it's bec he's not open to inputs from me bec it feels "unnatural" for him to be told what to do.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if our marriage is worth saving when he's been with her that whole time too.