Help please! About couple of months I found d out that my husband was cheating on me with my best friend I considered her a sister. We were separated in two different countries because of the Covid for about 4 months and this is when they started texting and video calling and getting intimate behind my back. He was overseas and she was right by my side lying in my face the whole time asking me if he was doing well while they are having an emotional affair. The day the airport opened up I was so excited about his return home but something was off I can feel him so distant and things have changed. I confronted him and he said that he was in touch with an old ex just talking over the phone and that she distracted him. I was so hurt and cried and could not believe it and he said he is sorry and to give him a chance which I did. I didn’t feel his remorse and I can still feel him distant and something still off I got suspicious and I surprised him by taking the phone off his hands and to my surprise it was my best friend texting him telling him to stop chatting so I do t get suspicious and once I read this sentence I felt like I was hit by a train. He didn’t come clean he told me this is nothing we are just friends just started texting about few weeks ago and I have nothing for her so she called me telling me the same story that they are just friends and she feels bad why he asked her to hide things and was worried I would misunderstand their friendship. I wanted to believe this but my gut telling me otherwise. I kept asking him questions until he told me that there was no ex it was my friend all along and that he as bored and I mean everything to him and he begged me for a chance. I gave him that chance again but he showed no remorse and kept in touch and saw her couple times at coffee shops. And he said I’m ending things with her and please give me time. I have no idea what I’m doing or why I’m giving him these chances he said I’m everything to him and it’s only friendship that he got used to and distracted him. They have ended things but I can’t trust him or look at him the same. He went out of his way to throw me a party for my birthday and took me places for weekends I thought I can forgive him but I feel stupid and so violated. I don’t know what to do he said I can’t imagine my life without you. Please help me understand what the hell is wrong with me and him.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are shocked and betrayed and a lot of us feel like the earth beneath our feet is shifting. But...it's time to lay down some boundaries. He doesn't get "time" to end things with her. He needs to immediately give you all access to his phone and e-mails/computer, etc. He needs to dig deep to figure out why he betrayed you with someone who means nothing to him. If you read my latest post, I write a lot about how he needs a reckoning. You cannot just move on from this like it never happened. It just doens't work that way. You need support, you need to see his remorse, you need to know that he is doing everything he can to understand why he lied to you and deceived you so that it doesn't happen again. You'll find a lot of info on this site. Keep reading. But start by making it clear to him that if he wants you to consider staying in a marriage with him, he needs to start by being totally honest and transparent, cutting it off completely with this woman (I hope you have, too).
Hi Elle. I recently left a message on a post of yours in January 2019, asking if you'd share how you came to tell your story publicly. I realize you use a pseudonym but did you nevertheless have hesitations? Did anyone try to dissuade you from doing so? Also - do you have any posts on here about navigating the betrayal by a friend/the other woman (like the commenter about is dealing with)? I don't want to be around my ex-friend anymore (duh) but I still have grief over our busted relationship.
Hi Anonymous, Unfortunately older posts don't often get as noticed or responded to. Re. your question: I'm a writer so I'm used to sharing stories, mine and others. I definitely had hesitations. It's nerve-wracking to "out" yourself and I had a bad experience with the "chump" world when I still felt quite vulnerable in which I was told I was a fool for staying with someone who cheated on me. That said, I was then and remain convinced that there isn't a "right" way to respond to infidelity; there is only what is right for us and each of us gets to determine what path we take. So my focus on this blog has always been to remind women of that, to assure them that nobody knows what they should do except them and that they can take all the time they need to figure it out. My husband didn't want me to start this blog (it still makes him uncomfortable but that's a him problem, not a me problem) but he knew better than to dissuade me. As for your ex-friend, I'm sorry for the double betrayal. I don't think there are any specific posts on this site about it, though many many women have experienced what you are going through. You are going through so much grief -- mourning your marriage and your friendship because neither was what you thought it was. Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. She didn't deserve your friendship.
Mimi here, so what if he changes and it’s amazing and dramatic and what we’ve always wanted but it’s just too too late. What if the harms are so deep and broad that we are really and truly devastated and broken. I’m so happy for him that he’s changed. But I can’t handle the flooding of him abandoning me and our child for 9 years while he watched porn and had sex with our friends and his subordinates at work - some of it in the home I was paying for in the bedroom next to where I was with our 3 year old. It is catastrophic. I don’t like him. Even though I’ve always loved him. I’m so so torn.
Mimi, I am also the wife of a career military officer who is a broken and screwed up man who did a lot of thoughtless, harmful and hurtful things in his life. Some of those things made me a victim. I had no knowledge of his childhood and the trauma he suffered. He stuffed a lot of his feelings and developed many compartments in which to sort things into to keep them separate. Five years ago he thought he had AIDS from spending years buying sex from whores. I have learned that many good and decent people are capable of doing terrible, thoughtless, hurtful and illegal things.I never thought I would stay with a man like that. Have you tried EMDR? Do you like anything about him? Is there anything you think is redeeming about your marriage or life together? You don't have to stay. You can make your own life. I am still with my husband who has made a major turnaround in his life. It can be hard for me to accept the reality of what he did but when I dwell on the disgusting life he led before he told me about what he was doing, I miss the bigger picture that he was pretty disgusted with himself and his behavior. I don't love him like I did. The magic of "before" is gone. What is here and now is pretty good. We are compatible in so many ways. I am 70. Maybe I have to grow up and accept the fact that my Cinderella story wasn't all it was cracked up to be but I do have strong positive feelings for this man and we have a good and decent life. It surely is not what I thought it might be but it is good and getting better. The flooding you speak of took a toll on me for almost 5 years and in January of this year, just before our wedding anniversary I ended up in the ER with some heart issues. That was due to my intrusive thoughts and mind movies. He liked to go find Asian whores during our anniversary trips to Hawaii in January. Who knows what next January will bring? I am very aware of this pattern in my life. Due to Covid, my own EMDR plans have been put on hold but I do try other things to manage my stress. I don't think about it all the time but I understand how you feel. He is here, I see him every single day, we are retired and together daily and there are times I still feel total disgust for random reasons. Then we go play golf or go swimming or whatever and life is normal. You get to decide what works for you. You don't need anyone's permission or approval. You are an adult. Life is too short to not be happy. Maybe a short separation will help? Warm wishes.
And...enter Beach Girl, with her perfectly worded response full of endless compassion. Thank-you BG. Mimi, I agree with everyone Beach Girl said here. EMDR could help you, whether you stay with him or go. You are experiencing post-trauma -- that flooding, that fear. You can move past this and heal.
Thank you Beach Girl and Elle. I am going to look into EMDR. The flooding and the whiplash when I’m doing alright and then suddenly get snapped back into the abyss are truly unmooring. I have good days, great days, blah days, and also days where I’m just so confused and lost and sad and depressed. I sometimes feel like I don’t even recognize myself anymore. From everything I’ve read on this site and elsewhere, this is all entirely normal and to be expected. But I sometimes feel the pandemic is making it all the worse because it has introduced an unprecedented level of uncertainly, danger, and isolation at a time when I am longing for stability, safety, and friendship/community. The thing that I’m finding the most challenging right now is this terrible palpable loneliness that stretches back through the entirety of our marriage. All of the hours days weeks months and years I was not only abandoned by him but unaware that my marriage wasn’t at all what I thought it was. He has made incredible remarkable changes during the last 7 months. There are many reasons I like love and admire him. And yet... there is so much wreckage. I sometimes feel like a whole truckload of heavy rocks have been dumped on me and I don’t know how to crawl out from under the rubble. But that’s only sometimes. There are other times when I feel better and stronger. I’m deeply grateful for all of the support from this community. So much kindness and goodness here. Mimi
Help please!
ReplyDeleteAbout couple of months I found d out that my husband was cheating on me with my best friend I considered her a sister. We were separated in two different countries because of the Covid for about 4 months and this is when they started texting and video calling and getting intimate behind my back. He was overseas and she was right by my side lying in my face the whole time asking me if he was doing well while they are having an emotional affair. The day the airport opened up I was so excited about his return home but something was off I can feel him so distant and things have changed. I confronted him and he said that he was in touch with an old ex just talking over the phone and that she distracted him. I was so hurt and cried and could not believe it and he said he is sorry and to give him a chance which I did. I didn’t feel his remorse and I can still feel him distant and something still off I got suspicious and I surprised him by taking the phone off his hands and to my surprise it was my best friend texting him telling him to stop chatting so I do t get suspicious and once I read this sentence I felt like I was hit by a train. He didn’t come clean he told me this is nothing we are just friends just started texting about few weeks ago and I have nothing for her so she called me telling me the same story that they are just friends and she feels bad why he asked her to hide things and was worried I would misunderstand their friendship. I wanted to believe this but my gut telling me otherwise. I kept asking him questions until he told me that there was no ex it was my friend all along and that he as bored and I mean everything to him and he begged me for a chance. I gave him that chance again but he showed no remorse and kept in touch and saw her couple times at coffee shops. And he said I’m ending things with her and please give me time. I have no idea what I’m doing or why I’m giving him these chances he said I’m everything to him and it’s only friendship that he got used to and distracted him. They have ended things but I can’t trust him or look at him the same. He went out of his way to throw me a party for my birthday and took me places for weekends I thought I can forgive him but I feel stupid and so violated. I don’t know what to do he said I can’t imagine my life without you. Please help me understand what the hell is wrong with me and him.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are shocked and betrayed and a lot of us feel like the earth beneath our feet is shifting.
DeleteBut...it's time to lay down some boundaries. He doesn't get "time" to end things with her. He needs to immediately give you all access to his phone and e-mails/computer, etc. He needs to dig deep to figure out why he betrayed you with someone who means nothing to him. If you read my latest post, I write a lot about how he needs a reckoning. You cannot just move on from this like it never happened. It just doens't work that way. You need support, you need to see his remorse, you need to know that he is doing everything he can to understand why he lied to you and deceived you so that it doesn't happen again.
You'll find a lot of info on this site. Keep reading. But start by making it clear to him that if he wants you to consider staying in a marriage with him, he needs to start by being totally honest and transparent, cutting it off completely with this woman (I hope you have, too).
Hi
ReplyDeletehello
DeleteHi Elle. I recently left a message on a post of yours in January 2019, asking if you'd share how you came to tell your story publicly. I realize you use a pseudonym but did you nevertheless have hesitations? Did anyone try to dissuade you from doing so? Also - do you have any posts on here about navigating the betrayal by a friend/the other woman (like the commenter about is dealing with)? I don't want to be around my ex-friend anymore (duh) but I still have grief over our busted relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous, Unfortunately older posts don't often get as noticed or responded to. Re. your question: I'm a writer so I'm used to sharing stories, mine and others. I definitely had hesitations. It's nerve-wracking to "out" yourself and I had a bad experience with the "chump" world when I still felt quite vulnerable in which I was told I was a fool for staying with someone who cheated on me. That said, I was then and remain convinced that there isn't a "right" way to respond to infidelity; there is only what is right for us and each of us gets to determine what path we take. So my focus on this blog has always been to remind women of that, to assure them that nobody knows what they should do except them and that they can take all the time they need to figure it out.
DeleteMy husband didn't want me to start this blog (it still makes him uncomfortable but that's a him problem, not a me problem) but he knew better than to dissuade me.
As for your ex-friend, I'm sorry for the double betrayal. I don't think there are any specific posts on this site about it, though many many women have experienced what you are going through. You are going through so much grief -- mourning your marriage and your friendship because neither was what you thought it was. Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. She didn't deserve your friendship.
Mimi here, so what if he changes and it’s amazing and dramatic and what we’ve always wanted but it’s just too too late. What if the harms are so deep and broad that we are really and truly devastated and broken. I’m so happy for him that he’s changed. But I can’t handle the flooding of him abandoning me and our child for 9 years while he watched porn and had sex with our friends and his subordinates at work - some of it in the home I was paying for in the bedroom next to where I was with our 3 year old. It is catastrophic. I don’t like him. Even though I’ve always loved him. I’m so so torn.
ReplyDeleteMimi, I am also the wife of a career military officer who is a broken and screwed up man who did a lot of thoughtless, harmful and hurtful things in his life. Some of those things made me a victim. I had no knowledge of his childhood and the trauma he suffered. He stuffed a lot of his feelings and developed many compartments in which to sort things into to keep them separate. Five years ago he thought he had AIDS from spending years buying sex from whores. I have learned that many good and decent people are capable of doing terrible, thoughtless, hurtful and illegal things.I never thought I would stay with a man like that. Have you tried EMDR? Do you like anything about him? Is there anything you think is redeeming about your marriage or life together? You don't have to stay. You can make your own life. I am still with my husband who has made a major turnaround in his life. It can be hard for me to accept the reality of what he did but when I dwell on the disgusting life he led before he told me about what he was doing, I miss the bigger picture that he was pretty disgusted with himself and his behavior. I don't love him like I did. The magic of "before" is gone. What is here and now is pretty good. We are compatible in so many ways. I am 70. Maybe I have to grow up and accept the fact that my Cinderella story wasn't all it was cracked up to be but I do have strong positive feelings for this man and we have a good and decent life. It surely is not what I thought it might be but it is good and getting better. The flooding you speak of took a toll on me for almost 5 years and in January of this year, just before our wedding anniversary I ended up in the ER with some heart issues. That was due to my intrusive thoughts and mind movies. He liked to go find Asian whores during our anniversary trips to Hawaii in January. Who knows what next January will bring? I am very aware of this pattern in my life. Due to Covid, my own EMDR plans have been put on hold but I do try other things to manage my stress. I don't think about it all the time but I understand how you feel. He is here, I see him every single day, we are retired and together daily and there are times I still feel total disgust for random reasons. Then we go play golf or go swimming or whatever and life is normal. You get to decide what works for you. You don't need anyone's permission or approval. You are an adult. Life is too short to not be happy. Maybe a short separation will help? Warm wishes.
DeleteAnd...enter Beach Girl, with her perfectly worded response full of endless compassion. Thank-you BG. Mimi, I agree with everyone Beach Girl said here. EMDR could help you, whether you stay with him or go. You are experiencing post-trauma -- that flooding, that fear. You can move past this and heal.
DeleteThank you Beach Girl and Elle. I am going to look into EMDR. The flooding and the whiplash when I’m doing alright and then suddenly get snapped back into the abyss are truly unmooring. I have good days, great days, blah days, and also days where I’m just so confused and lost and sad and depressed. I sometimes feel like I don’t even recognize myself anymore. From everything I’ve read on this site and elsewhere, this is all entirely normal and to be expected. But I sometimes feel the pandemic is making it all the worse because it has introduced an unprecedented level of uncertainly, danger, and isolation at a time when I am longing for stability, safety, and friendship/community. The thing that I’m finding the most challenging right now is this terrible palpable loneliness that stretches back through the entirety of our marriage. All of the hours days weeks months and years I was not only abandoned by him but unaware that my marriage wasn’t at all what I thought it was. He has made incredible remarkable changes during the last 7 months. There are many reasons I like love and admire him. And yet... there is so much wreckage. I sometimes feel like a whole truckload of heavy rocks have been dumped on me and I don’t know how to crawl out from under the rubble. But that’s only sometimes. There are other times when I feel better and stronger. I’m deeply grateful for all of the support from this community. So much kindness and goodness here. Mimi
ReplyDelete