[He] didn't want in so much as allow himself to respond to her. He suddenly sees this clearly. It startles him. God. So even in this, he hasn't been an adventurer, a seeker, so much as a schlump. No, a schlemiel. He slowly shakes his head. He made nothing happen.
It happened to him. Because he let it.
~From Monogamy by Sue Miller
It happened to him. Because he let it.
~From Monogamy by Sue Miller
These are the words of Graham, the cheating husband in Sue Miller's most recent novel. Graham loves his wife Annie. He's not remotely interested in leaving his marriage. In fact, he considers his marriage a quite happy one.
But he's a pleaser. Of himself. Of others. He wants everybody to be happy. And so, when a female acquaintance makes her interest known to him, he goes along with it. He figures there's no harm in it. A little fun on the side. But even when it stops being "fun", he continues. Because it's easier. There's no conflict in just carrying on.
I hear similar stories so often on this site. Cheating husbands who express relief at getting caught. Cheaters who got caught up in the affair and then, when they decide they want out, realize that a spurned affair partner is a dangerous one. That the OW could blow everything up. Suddenly, the stakes are clear.
I don't have a whole lot of (any?) sympathy for these guys. Their inability to think even two steps ahead is a huge liability but it's their wives who bear the heaviest cost for their idiocy.
I post this passage from Sue Miller's book because I think a whole lot of us who haven't cheated fundamentally misunderstand affairs. We subscribe to the Hollywood version – the steaminess, the desire. But, like all things Hollywood, the reality is far less interesting. The truth is that those who cheat are looking for something rather than someone. They are seeking validation. Evidence that they are interesting, sexy, appealing. It isn't the person they are attracted to as much as what the affair makes them feel. Until, of course, the affair stops making them feel good and starts making them feel trapped. Which, from the anecdotal evidence I get handed here, happens a whole lot.
So where does that leave us? We can be clear-eyed about affairs even if the cheater in our lives is still living in his fantasy.
We can fight hard against the urge to compare ourselves with the Other Woman. After all, what she has nothing we want.
We can remember that affairs, like the one our heroine Annie's husband gets involved in are as much about laziness as desire. About carelessness more than adventure. Graham realizes that he's, as he puts it, a schlump. A loser. And imagine discovering that you've jeopardized everything that matters to you for something that matters not at all.
Not that we need to be sympathetic. We don't. But, for all the pain my husband's infidelity caused me, I maintain that I'd still rather be me – devastated me – than him.
I would still rather be me-devastated me-than him. You are right, so incredibly right. I was talking with my husband last night about the damage and devastation he had wrought on himself with his choices. I listened to his disbelieving tone as he sorted through his reasons for entering into the affair that destroyed his life. I watched his face twist with disgust as he described how trapped he felt by her and watched him weep as he grieved for what he has lost. I love my husband and in spite of the enormity of the pain he has caused me, I hate seeing him in so much pain. And the realization that he threw his life away, damaged himself so badly for nothing, for sex with someone he came to despise is so painful for him. But maybe there is hope for him. Maybe he will finally grow up, stop letting his childhood trauma rule him, integrate all of his selves and start developing some healthy self-estemm. I hope so, for his sake and my children's sake.
ReplyDeletePreach this Elle. It took me a very long time to understand this truth. Although there was only 1 "OW" a sleazy low life secretary 40 years ago, the "pay by the hour" workers cared zero about my husband. His fantasy world drove him to take unbelievable risks. That was his world and he paid them to participate in it for a short time. He will always have to live with this knowledge that he showed me that he had no moral compass, was a complete narcissist and thought nothing of his wife and kids when he wanted to have sex. Didn't matter who it was as long as she was available. He let that happen and he made that happen and that is on him. I am so glad that I will live my life not being him or having to live with all the things he did. What he did is disgusting. I still try, after almost 6 six years, to NOT look at him as disgusting. What he did is disgusting. He tells me he understands himself now and he is aware of all the self hating diversions that got him into trouble. He says he loves his new life of honestly and transparency. He says he loves me. He was looking for something that he had all along but was too messed up to recognize. He nearly lost the best thing he ever had and he knows it.
ReplyDeleteThis made me pause in the analysis I was just making about his choices.
ReplyDeleteI knew two of his ex girlfriends (I met him through our career training, as well as them, we work in the same field). I never gave thought to them, I’ve always been the person who believes in “if it wasn’t in your time, it’s not your deal”.
But he recently told me about other sexual partners (same work field -eye roll-), and all of them have very similar physical features (big sized cup, small waist, big butts...) and the rat he cheated with does as well. Me? I’m petite everything.
So even though I’ve compared myself to the OW simply because he looked for someone physically different than me, I wasn’t comparing anymore and just looking at facts: I’m not the rule for him, I’m the exception. So of course I brought this to his attention, like: this is a pattern, I don’t see anything wrong with having a “type”, but maybe you should figure out if you really want to “settle” for a type that has never been the norm for you.
I don’t know, maybe there is some meaning in patterns? I think this is completely unrelated to your post but in my head it clicked.
You may be correct, or at least on to something. My partner definitely had a type when it came to porn. Blond slim and young. I too, have pointed out that I have never been slim,[DD by 13] Blond[my hairs so dark it lightens to brown in too much sun.]And the last time I was considered young was at work by a known chauvenistic pig, almost 10yrs younger than I. I had to point out to my H that I wasn't sure he knows what turns him on anymore. Scary thing is he agreed. Not sure how I feel about this. But as Elle is prone to saying... Time will tell.
DeleteJust me: I guess you’re right (and Elle). Time will tell.
DeleteIt was an interesting conversation because he agreed to think about it. Don’t know if he actually will think about it, but at least he said: I will, maybe you’re right.
I do know my body did turn him on and still does. But my fear is ‘if I’m the exception, isn’t he going to miss that type and go looking for it again?’
I hate having so many questions.
This post rocks. Thank you. Nothing has been more true and made me feel better.
ReplyDeleteOmg, my husband could have written this. It’s exactly how he describes the feelings during his affair. He would add the word coward to lazy. To avoid the aftermath of spurning the other “woman” (I put that in quotes because to me she is and will always be less than a real woman) he “kicked the can down the road”. I have wished for three years now that SHE could know the truth. Maybe she does. More so, I wish to quit thinking about her at all. I am getting there.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone ever feel like maybe their husbands are just downplaying the whole thing? My husband swears he had no feelings for his AP. He says if she hadn't started pursuing him, he wouldn't ever cheated. He says he felt so desperate to feel wanted that he just fell into it. Our marriage was in a rough place and my behavior at the time most likely did make he feel unwanted and unloved. But, having an affair with someone you don't find attractive at all, doesn't make sense to me. He told me when they would meet in person, he would actually be repulsed by her. Yet, he kept emailing with her. He says he only needed the words, but without agreeing to be physical and meet in person, she would stop talking to him.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone else just feel that their husbands lied so much. What's stopping them from lying about this too?
They try to buffer it. Perhaps whole truth will cause more pain
DeleteMy husband basically said the same to me. Please remember these men are masters at lying and will say whatever to us the wife and the other woman to suit themselves. I do not believe anyone is capable of kissing someone they are not attracted to. Until they can admit the truth there is no getting over this. My D day was five and a half years ago and whilst I stayed it is on my selfish terms. I do not think of us as a couple he is at the bottom of my priority list now. Until he can show respect for me and admit he was a selfish man wife going through menopause not making him her priority led to his cheating. 56 yes old married 34 yrs cheating with a 30 yr old. Talk about dirty old man 😂
ReplyDeleteIts devastating. Just found out a week ago. Im going insane
DeleteI am sure my husband found the OW attractive. I find many men attractive, but that doesn’t mean I love them . That’s not what this post was about. My husband clearly had no feelings for her as he was relieved to drop her callously and immediately on DDay . Had he “loved” her or had even a strong affinity for her he could not have done this. The attention was what he loved until it became a “chore”. He knew it was all bullshit from the start, but was too cowardly to spurn her. He has admitted over and over again that he was a broken, cowardly, selfish, ass who did horrible things. He has worked hard to never be that man again. I believe he will succeed. Furthermore, he was, is, and always will be more than his sins. Even while cheating he treated me well, lovingly, and generously to my face. I think that contributed to my staying.
ReplyDeleteLuppylu, I am happy you found an existence that appears to sustain you. I originally thought I too would try staying in a marriage of convenience, but it wasn’t for me. My pride forced me to try this option as I did not think he deserved my love. However, I realized I deserved to love and to accept and embrace my feelings for him, I deserve it. Our relationship is stronger than ever, because he is mentally healthier than ever. Yes, we could be even better had he healed himself before being a selfish asshole, but that isn’t how it played out and dwelling on that only hurts me, It serves no purpose to anyone. Does he deserve my love? Who knows? Certainly not, if I only consider his cheating years, but I deserve to love and be loved and many may think I am insane, but it’s still him I choose. 🤷♀️ I believe he is now a healthy man and we will succeed. If I am wrong then that’s okay too. I’ve already been through the worst.