Tuesday, April 6, 2021

Let's Talk About The Other Woman, Shall We?

I never imagined I could hate someone so viscerally. To help me manage my rage, I would run. At night. When I could also cry without anyone seeing me.

I would fantasize catching my husband with the Other Woman (whom I knew. She had worked for my husband for years). And then I would imagine chasing her down the street. Her running. Me driving. I would imagine her terrified face in my headlights. The tires rolling over her body. Like a rabbit. Only bigger. And uglier.

But, at some point within the first six months, I realized that my fury toward her wasn't helping me at all. I felt ugly. I felt mean. And so I began to do what various ministers in the church I attended urged all of us to do. See the face of God in every human being. Every! Even her.

Ugh.

Right?

But I was willing to try. It's not unlike the loving kindness meditation, in which we begin by imagining spreading loving kindness to those close to us – our kids, our parents, our friends. And then we extend it outwards. To our boss. To our kids' teacher. To the grocery store clerk. And then outward further until, eventually, we are imagining extending loving kindness (or at the very least, the wish for a harm-free life) to our so-called enemies. To her. 

The thing is, it worked. With time and intention, I was able to see her not as a monster but as someone who hadn't learned to transform her own pain and so she transmitted it. It felt good. Like a thousand pound millstone around my neck was gone. And, for the most part, I haven't given her a whole lot of thought since. 

But it can nonetheless help to consider the character of the Other Woman when we're still in our early raw days post D-Day. If only to recognize that, in the immortal words of my husband's therapist when I asked what she had that I didn't replied "what those women have is nothing you want."

He was so right.

It's a point that Sophie Benoit made beautifully in her most recent "Here's the Thing" newsletter. The advice seeker asked Benoit for her advice on his relationship with an ex-girlfriend who had moved back in with her ex-boyfriend but with whom he was again sexually involved. He saw himself as morally un-compromised. She saw it differently:

you aren’t doing day-in-day-out relationship shit. You two are fucking clandestinely. OF COURSE that’s “winning” some imaginary battle of what’s more exciting. I know that you two have had a bunch of emotion-laden confessions of love and like, which might make it feel as if this relationship is More Than Just Fun Sex, but let me be clear: those declarations are not actual emotional hard work, they are indulgent outpourings that build drama (and thus excitement) right into the very foundation of your affair. Late night “I miss you”s are a pale imitation of the work that goes into a loving, functional relationship.

It's, perhaps, a perfect description of an affair, isn't it? As we often remind each other on this site, an affair is fantasy. It's "late night 'I miss you's'".

She goes on to address the letter-writer's admission that he doesn't feel guilt that he's sleeping with another guy's girlfriend: 

For most people, it’s a pretty big ethical boundary to cross, no matter how much you like the person you’re crossing it for. If you do decide to look inward, I would encourage you, as much as you can, to exclude her actions from informing your self-judgement. Yes, it’s her relationship with another person; yes, she chose to cheat on her partner. But what role did you play? What does that say about your respect for monogamy in the future? What if that guy were you? 

What role did you play? she asks. It's a fair question. And it's a question that often gets overlooked by those of us who recognize, validly, that it's our husbands who have betrayed us. That the OW owed us nothing, really.

But again, I recall the words of my husband's therapist: What those women have is nothing you want. Cause ain't that the truth! No, she hadn't made a commitment to me. And yes, my real issue was with my husband who betrayed his promise, both explicit and implicit, to me. But that doesn't change that the OW (or in the case of this letter, the OM) has played a role in the harming of another person. What those women have is nothing you want.

Think hard about that. I don't care how pretty the OW is, or how young, or how desirable she might seem. What she has is nothing you want.

Now sit in a church pew or on a meditation cushion and begin to shed yourself of any connection to her beyond wishing her well a long, long distance from you. Hating her is nonetheless a connection. And you are far too amazing a person to be connected to the likes of her. 

31 comments:

  1. I aspire to the day that I don't carry the burden of anger I feel towards the OW. The 3rd anniversary of my D-Day is approaching in July- I stayed to work on the marriage.It's been an excruciating time but every day it gets better. I was able to forgive my husband at the 26 month mark (btw he did everything wrong after discovering his emotional infidelity of 5 years). I still am questioning things but this is now me-time. Again, I aspire to your level of being able to let the hatred and anger towards the OW go.

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    1. It took practice. A constant shifting of thought from wishing her ill to wishing her well. I thought of it as a public service. If she became a better person, she was less likely to impact another marriage. And by wishing her well, the feeling was so much less intense and, eventually, just kinda...disappeared. I was talking about her a few years later and I couldn't remember her name. Which felt amazing! Keep going. Focus on you and what you have. When you think of it, send wishes out to the universe along the lines of "I hope you are no longer hurt and causing hurt" or something. And then...get back to your own getting-better-each-day life.

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    2. I am learning so much about life and me this time. I want to wish the OW well but I need to take baby steps. First step is me and giving myself compassion. Thank you for your reply and for the website and the book.

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    3. D-Day is the worst! I also stayed in my marriage after I caught my husband of 7 years with his Co worker on my couch. The OW had befriended me and invited herself over to hang out with me. Come to find out all she wanted was my husband. I have a very hard time getting the OW out of my mind also. She was also 10 years younger than me. Everyday does get better.

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  2. I wish I could distance myself from the OW. Unfortunately, the OW and my boyfriend (and father of my child), share a child from their affair, so I cannot distance myself from her. I try daily to keep my thoughts about her positive, however, she makes that extremely difficult with her actions. She previously kept the child from my bf for 3.5 months just because. They are now going through the Court process and she makes EVERYTHING difficult. I chose to stay and be there for my child everyday, and to help raise their child as well, I'm just struggling not being able to put that distance between us. She will ALWAYS be in my/our lives.

    Any advice on how to navigate this?

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    1. Ugh. I can hardly imagine how painful that must be. I'm so sorry. I hope you'll consider (if you haven't already) whether or not you really want to stay in this relationship. I understand the desire to protect the kids and to be a stable person in their lives...but what do YOU really want? If you do, indeed, want to stay, then I think you're in for a rocky ride, at least in the short term. I hope you'll set clear boundaries around the role this woman has in your life, which, hopefully, will become easier once the court process is done and custody, etc. is in place. I wish you all the best, SM. You sound like an incredibly kind person but I do hope you'll remember to extend that kindness to yourself.

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  3. It will always pain me the fact that I know the person my spouse cheated with. Even moreso that they still essentially work together. It took me some time to get past the rage I felt toward this person. Unfortunately what started to quell that rage was accepting that the person I took vows with in a church was just as responsible. I feel I have finally burned through all the anger of this situation. The days she would come home and tell me about how he shared his marital woes made wonder how much she bad-mouthed me to justify her actions. At this point, since I have chosen to attempt to rebuild, all I can do is try to trust. I know I'm doing the work. I'm not sure I could have my reality demolished again.

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    1. Unknown,
      Yes, the truth is that the person who took vows with us bears the responsibility to us for not violating them.
      And yes, it must be hard to know that they still work together. Is there contact? That's a deal-breaker for me. I couldn't rebuild a marriage if I knew they still had contact but we each get to create our own rules for reconciliation.
      Have you spoken with her about what she might have shared with this person? It's not uncommon for cheaters to rewrite history -- to somehow make their behaviour look less reprehensible by describing their partner (and sometimes believing it) as selfish or cruel or unkind. And I think it's a fair question to ask. However, I would also urge you to consider that a) she could easily lie b) she could tell you that she did criticize you/your marriage and defend that or c) she could acknowledge that she was rewriting history to justify her cheating. Frankly, only c is an appropriate response.

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    2. At this point I know my personality wants that information but, considering the fact that I was lied to at some many intervals. When I started getting strange feelings 3 months prior and confronted her she lied. When I found out what was going on and had evidence she lied. There was a lot of minimizing going on and frankly, I still have struggles believing things she tells me know. So when she says there is no more contact I don't really know if I believe. For my sanity I have to give that trust and IT IS HARD. As far as what was shared I again don't think she would be honest and am unsure how it would benefit me other than bring back that animosity I have worked to somewhat get passed.

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  4. Wow! I really need to try this. I wish I was a religious person as pastor’s have the best advice. Three years out, I am feeling so much better, yet still hate that woman with every fiber of my being. I still fantasize about my husband staging a reunion with her, asking her to a hotel room where she would undoubtedly show up to find us f’ing like rabbits, stopping shortly to laugh at her as we continued. Yes. I know.. not healthy or mature. I do struggle with repeatedly being told (by many) that she didn’t break a promise to me, he did. While he certainly did, she did too. She pretended to be my friend. She asked personal questions about my relationship both sexual and emotional with my husband. She used that to her advantage while she was a screwing him. So, I believe she betrayed me too and did nothing to make amends, unlike my husband.
    Maybe that’s the reason that I still fantasize about terrible things happening to her. Maybe some fatal cancer where I send her a card expressing my jubilation with her suffering. Or her husband dying and I send a text saying karma is a bitch. I know it’s terrible and I am embarrassed even admitting it, but i honestly dream of misery coming into her life. I know my husband “broke her heart” as she admitted as much to both of us, but not even that is enough for me. A part of me fears she thinks he stayed married because he couldn’t afford to leave his children. I want her to know he walked away happily and with relief. Clearly, I still have some healing to do. Ugh... which makes me hate her more that I need to still be dealing with this crap. I am going to try the meditation idea. Another friend suggested the same thing to me. I think hating her has become an unhealthy pastime. Thanks for giving me something to think about.

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    1. Sv,
      In the short term, I think those rage-filled fantasies can be healthy. They give us some sense of control back and remind us that we have agency. It's when they become somewhat obsessive that they get in the way of us just moving on.
      Might sound simplistic but have you tried just replacing any thoughts of her with a big mental image of a stop sign? Or do the elastic band around your wrist and give it a good snap? Anything to retrain your brain that thinking of her isn't taking you where you want to go. There are other CBT tricks to help rewire your brain. Ultimately, you want to leave her in the past where she belongs. She's not worth your time or your energy. She was a distraction, like cheap jewellery that looks shiny at first but tarnishes and gives you a skin rash. Her betrayal of you was horrible. But nobody capable of that is a truly happy, at-peace human being. Her punishment -- being her -- is worse than anything you can dish out.

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    2. I like that stop sign idea! And I love the idea of her punishment is being her! So very true. Before her weight loss surgery (and when affair started) she weighed at least 400 pounds and stands 5’2”. (Seriously, not being nasty here). No one gets that large without some serious emotional baggage. Her weight loss surgery got her down to about 250 so she still has that same baggage. I am not trying to fat shame here. I only mention it, because sadly her size is a visual reminder to me of how messed up she is on the inside and that makes me happy. I hope to get to a place where I want her happy so she doesn’t hurt others. I know her pain seeps onto many.

      Also, her size made it easy for me to not compare myself to her or feel less than. I had it easier than many. I knew (as did my husband) that she had nothing over me. My self esteem never took a hit. My husband just had an endless need for approval and attention. She would have been one of many if she hadn’t been so easy and needy herself. A healthy woman would not knowingly “share” a man for years thinking they were somehow special.

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  5. Hi, I have a question; how much do I really want to know? Is it better to know nothing or have all the facts?

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    1. It's an important question to ask. I needed to know A LOT. Where, when, how, what she wore. But there was lots in there that simply amplified my pain. Things that didn't change anything -- just made me feel horrible. So I implemented my own rule: Any time I wanted to ask for info, I would wait 24 hours and then if I STILL wanted to know, I would ask. Lots of times, I forgot what the original question was.
      The other thing is that, thankfully, I have forgotten a lot of what he told me (infidelity brain fog is REAL). But I haven't forgotten everything.
      So...I think there's a middle ground between "nothing" and "all the facts". Give some thought to where that middle ground is for you.

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    2. I too wanted the facts. I wanted to know and actually knowing the facts was way better than my wonderings. I also think it made my husband forced into having to relive it to see just how shitty all of it really was.

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  6. This is helpful. About a year after D-Day, I managed to access all of the text messages my husband and the other woman wrote -- I wrote this as I was processing:
    It’s ghastly to read my husband’s hopes for another life with another woman, and his challenges with managing his desire for her while still, somehow, loving me. It’s grim to hear him say he loves her, that he is passionately physically attracted to her, that he longs to do all sorts of sexual acts with her. She says similar things to him, but there is an additional domesticity to her desires – she longs to do laundry with him, to sit next to him and read, to water the plants together, to read the paper in bed with him, to introduce him to her friends. Indeed sad and lonely.

    From where I sit, I don’t see love, at least not a love I’m familiar with – I see a sordid mash-up of pornographic images and lewd messages that express a desire for physical and sexual connection...

    Indeed, she had nothing I wanted, and I realized, upon reflection - that she wanted my life. She was so sad and lonely.

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    1. It's so often the case, including my own. The Other Woman absolutely wanted my life (though she likely would have been happy for me to have custody of our kids). So often they're damaged people who think they can step into a fairy tale without recognizing the hard work of a marriage. And so they have no respect for marriage.

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  7. 2.5 years out and I can honestly say that, if I do think of her (she was a friend), the only "feelings" I notice are an absence of them - just a complete lack of respect.

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    1. Brava Calluna! That's where I ended up and it's liberating.

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    2. Calluna, are you me?? Also 2.5 years out and OW also my friend ("friend"). Can you share more how you came to this place of feeling no feelings about your ex-friend? So much grief over her betrayal. So much. I still think about her every single day. No, she hadn't made a vow to me. But I considered her a close friend. What about mutual respect? What about the implicit trust between friends? What about "girl code"?? She had my children in her home, I had hers in mine, we gave each other birthday gifts, we talked and texted about all sorts of life matters. But our relationship over, and I have no real avenue to process HER betrayal. How did you deal w the loss of your friend?

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    3. First off, I am SO sorry for what you have gone through. I know what a devastating, "lose my faith in humanity", kind of double betrayal this is. I know there are a tonne of books to read on the subject, but I did find “Living and Loving after Betrayal” by Steven Stosny very helpful to work through a lot of this.
      Getting to where I am re: my "friend" has a lot to do with the specifics of my relationship with her and with what I ended up learning about my H in the aftermath of both my d-days.
      D-day #1 (Fall 2018) was the discovery of H's 4 year affair with my "friend" when her (now ex) H called me. Long story, but, yeah, devastating on ALL the levels and I lived 6 months trying to process and deal with my horrific new reality. D-day #2 came after those 6 months, when my H finally disclosed his multiple other EAs and PAs over most of our 18 year relationship. Strangely, this helped me enormously by allowing me to understand that it really was ALL ABOUT HIM, and not about me or any of the APs, including my “friend”.
      From your description, you were perhaps closer to the OW than I was. We met through our pre-schoolers, but she was in a full-blown affair with my H only months later, so I was able to really discount our 4 years of friendship as just her manipulating her way into my life. Does that hurt? It did. But I eventually got to a place, just like with my H, that I’ve accepted that is ALL ABOUT HER. I was a true, loyal friend who cared for her kids and shared Mom/wife joys and struggles with her. I was honest and supportive, without secret or destructive motives. She wasn't any of that. Ever. Even if your “friend” was in your life long before the A, her true self does not hold a candle to who YOU are at your core. How you showed up as a friend is something to be proud of. You didn’t know what was going on, and that is NOT ON YOU. Shift the focus to the amazing person YOU are, and what you offer as a friend, not how some choose to live and betray others and themselves. You are STILL an incredible person full of integrity who will continue to be that in all your friendships!
      Do I still struggle some days? Absolutely. Triggers happen and they can punch me in the gut. But, with time and choosing to focus on me, they don’t knock me down as hard nor as long. We need to offer ourselves a whole s*%$ load of grace. We’re not perfect and never will be, but in the horrific story of infidelity, a BW is stronger than any OW out there, no question.

      xo

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    4. Thank you so much for your response. THANK YOU.

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    5. Please know the all caps were me cheerleading you, not yelling! Lol! :)

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    6. What is D-Day?

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  8. Oh man, did I feel that same rage (both D-days)and channeled it through lots of screaming in kick-boxing (I joined after I found out about my husabands 2 affairs). I'm now 12 months out and felt that I was finally able to quell that rage, understanding that the more rage I had towards the OW, the more power I was giving them over me...and I needed to shed that. And my husband has been putting in the work and been completely transparent and we are making progress.
    But then he received emails from both of them. You know...they were checking in to say "hi" and see how he was doing. Both former co-workers, they asked him field related questions, baiting him to respond. He stated he did not respond to either one. But now my fury and rage are back with a vengeance! Ugh. I just can't seem to stop it. They are both married and when my H broke off his affairs they seemingly went back to their lives, with their husbands none the wiser that either of them had cheated. After Dday my husband told me that the OW were both so worried I was going to "blow up their lives" and he hope I wouldn't do that to them because they were "nice". WTF? They blew up their own lives, as far as I'm concerend. And I'm embarassed to say that since those emails I've been having a recurring dream that I anonymously email their husbands to let them know. If there is no consequence to their actions, what will make them stop? And they are also trolling my H's social media pages. Must I be forever vigilant? Do I ignore them? The last thing I want is to ask my husband to tell them to leave him alone. I don't want him to have any contact with them. Help...I just don't know what to do.

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    1. You are absolutely right. They chose their own actions and therefore they chose the consequences, whatever they may be. And while I generally lean toward telling the other betrayed spouse -- mostly because I wish someone had told me -- I am aware that it can sometimes bring on negative repercussions, depending on how unhinged these husbands are. So...think about it. YOu might be doing these men a real favor by letting them know who they're married to and giving them a chance to decide for themselves what they want, but you may also be opening a can of worms. But your choice to not tell should be about you and what's right for you, NOT what's helpful to them. If they had an ounce of integrity, they would tell their husbands.

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    2. Thank you, Elle. Unfortunately, I don't know much about the husbands except for what I see on their social media pages. Uncertainty of their reaction is the only thing that is holding me back from telling them. Though I would be informing them anonymously. I've decided that if the OW continue to try and reach out to my H, they are leaving me with no other option, since obviously they feel completely unhindered to do so and have no fear of consequences (or any fear of me). Thank you for this community of strong women...you have all kept me together in my darkest of days! xo

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    3. Please take this for what it's worth. My H & slut ended their year long affair years ago. She was single, divorced at the time so no husband to tell for me. I found out at a Dr.s visit that I had a nasty STD. Since my H was the only sex partner I ever had and she was young, healthy, beautiful with many men, I knew where it came from. Had she been married at the time of their affair, I would have informed her H if only for the reason of transmitting the STD to other men to take home to their trusting wives. Do it anonymously if you must but please think of other wives.
      Good luck,
      Carol, the First

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  9. I feel that it is not a coincidence that I found this page. I am fresh from finding out of my fiance's two months affair. Since finding out I have had the most horrid thoughts of harming the OW but always stop myself because I know that at the core these thoughts do not serve me. I renewed my spiritual relationship with God and once those thoughts come to mind I feel so bad. This isn't me. I then remind myself of what my father told me that we must all love God's children and she is one of his children. Easier to say than feel but it's the truth. I'm so grateful to have found this page.

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  10. I get that the OW didn't promise me anything, that my H was the one who made promises that he didn't keep, however I just can't get to the point, and don't think I ever will, where I would ever wish her well. The only OW I might offer that peace to would be one who wasn't aware that her 'lover' was married. My husbands AP knew full well that I existed and that we had a family. He failed me as a partner, and she failed me as a fellow human being. I will never wish her well.

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  11. I think about the OW every day. My husband says he never thinks about her except when we talk about the affair. She no longer exists for him. I want to stop giving her space in my head! I have finally arrived in a place where I understand it is not about what she had or I did not have but about problems within my husband. I wonder about contacting her. Part of me wants to speak to her to corroborate my husbands version of events. She has nothing to lose, her marriage ended after discovery of the affair (I wish her husband had told me--he would have saved me 3 Years of hell). She and my husband had ended their affair prior to my finding out. I only found out because she was trying to start it up again. My gut tells me speaking to her would be a bad idea but I can't stop thinking about it and being tempted. My husband says to do what I feel I have to do. He has told me all of the truth. However, he hates the thought of inviting her back into our lives. She sounds like a very negative and unhappy person. I guess I have no guarantee she would be truthful with me.

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