Tuesday, May 25, 2021

How to Stay Without Shame


~tweeted by Dr. Caroline Madden @cmaddenmft



It irks me still that I have been called an affair apologist by those who think there is only one response to infidelity and it is the one that involves divorce lawyers. To them, staying is pathetic. To them, there are no cheaters worthy of a second chance. There are no reasons worth trying again. There is only wishful thinking, pain delayed. Cheaters, as far as they're concerned, don't learn from the consequences of their horrible choice, they only wait until the coast is clear so they can cheat again.
This blog is, clearly, not for them.
Which is not to say that some cheaters don't deserve a second chance. Anyone unwilling to acknowledge the pain they've caused and commit to doing whatever it takes to rebuild their marriage is a risky bet, at best.
And it's not to say that, for some of us, a divorce lawyer isn't the best path. I don't know what's best for anyone who comes to this site. My goal is to offer comfort and some guidance towards healing ourselves, no matter what happens with our marriages. To urge every person who comes here to take care of themselves, to recognize that betrayal is traumatizing, and that each of us has to prioritize our own healing above everything else. 
But...
I still, much more rarely than when I created this site, get told I'm an apologist for infidelity simply because I don't think that the only, or the smartest response is to kick him out. 
But staying has its own challenges, it's own pain, it's own...shame. That's the kicker, isn't it? Shame. Even if we determine that staying is what we want to do, no matter how remorseful he is, no matter how much sense it makes -- emotionally, financially, family-wise -- there's often a voice that tells us we're schmucks. Pathetic. Weak.
And though I, and so many others, have nothing but admiration for you, though we all know how much courage it takes to stay, that voice persists. As Nadia Bolz-Weber puts it, shame slaps its label on you and makes you wear it. Hello, my name is Betrayed Wife and I am a schmuck.
So let's figure out how to rip that label off, shall we? Let's figure out how to stay without shame.

Where did your shame first put down roots?
For a whole lot of us, this latest dance with shame isn't our first. Shame was a longtime companion of mine, thanks to growing up in a home with addicts. Shame had long ago slapped a nametag on me: Hello, I am a child of alcoholics and if you knew what really went on in my house you would want nothing to do with me. I had battled it and thought myself victorious. But when my husband cheated on me, it was like shame sidled up to me with the words, hello, old friend. Remember me? 
So it's important when we feel that sting of shame for being cheated on at all but, moreso, for choosing to stay, to consider whether this is our old childhood shame rearing its very ugly head again and whispering those same old messages: You are not loveable. You are not worthy of loyalty. You are not enough. And, if that's the case, then it's time to rally your resources and fight back. Because the one thing we know about shame is that it doesn't speak a word of truth. 

Your marriage is not the betrayal
What so many don't understand about those of us who choose to stay in a marriage with someone who cheated on us is that our marriage is made up of a zillion moments, the vast majority of which had nothing to do with the affair. But what our culture does with regards to infidelity is it takes that event and makes it emblematic of an entire marriage. So the question becomes: How can anyone stay with a cheater? 
And framed like that, pretty much all of us would say...we can't. We shouldn't. But we can stay with someone who cheated but is doing the work to become a better man. We can stay with someone who's grappling with a horrible choice and trying to make amends. In other words, it's a whole lot easier to forgive someone, or be willing to give them a second chance, when we don't see them as nothing more than the biggest mistake they've ever made. And so our shame, instead of coming from our own ideas around infidelity and second chances, is dictated to us by an unforgiving culture.

Don't hand your choice over to those who don't have to live with the consequences
"Don't take criticism from those you wouldn't ask for advice" goes the adage. I had three young children when I discovered my husband's infidelity. Choosing to stay included what I thought was best for them. Choosing to stay included the option to change my mind if I discovered more infidelity, or if he stopped working at our marriage, or if I simply felt I wanted to leave. I was the one who had to live with this choice. To make it based on what others thought I should do seemed ridiculous. 
But people have strong feelings about infidelity. Especially those who either haven't experienced it, or haven't learned from it. They're the first to tell you that there is one and only one way to respond to it and that is "don't get mad, get even". The same people who claim they've never felt more empowered by leaving their unfaithful exes are often the angriest people you'll ever meet. And though I support anyone's choice of how to respond to infidelity, I get sad at those who remain so pissed off, years, sometimes decades, later. Because that's not healing, it's fomenting. That's not growing, it's growling. Yes, infidelity is excruciating. And sometimes we don't get to choose whether our marriage survives. But we do get to choose how WE survive. 

And finally,
Shame might have something important to tell us
It's possible that shame is pointing out something that requires your attention. It's possible that you feel shame not because you've chosen to stay with someone who cheated on you but because you aren't holding him accountable for what he did. Maybe it isn't his betrayal that's shame inducing, it's your betrayal of yourself.
As Dr. Madden said in her tweet, it's possible to feel compassion for someone's suffering while still holding them accountable. In other words, you can feel badly that your husband screwed things up so badly while nonetheless insisting that he make things right. That's not punishing him. It's treating him like an adult. It's respecting boundaries. It's respecting yourself. By doing that, you're also going a long way toward reducing your own shame for staying. Because there's little that takes more courage than facing the person who hurt you and giving them the chance to show you they can be better than that. 








 

9 comments:

  1. I wish that it wasn't true that the shame started long before the infidelity. I think much of what attracts us to the person that hurt us is a result of shame. My shame now comes from many places. From the fact that I chose to stay, from the idea that this was going on right under my nose, from the idea that the work isn't being done, from knowing there is no guarantee it won't happen again and most importantly that my instinct said something was going on I brought it to their attention and I was minimized. There is a GREAT deal of shame in my unreal fear that everyone I do or do not know has knowledge of this and I am the clown/punchline in everyone's joke. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust my self again which brings about the most shame. Almost. There is also this pain I feel knowing that I somehow contributed to her choice to rip my heart of my body (I apologize for the dramatics). Forgiveness was easy, forgetting will be the difficult portion.

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    1. Mister J, Your shame is palpable and I'm so sorry you feel that it's yours. It is not. Being hurt is not shameful. Trusting someone is not shameful. Even ignoring your gut instinct isn't shameful. Nothing that you did was shameful. You are not the clown. Anyone who thinks you are isn't worth a second of your time. Anyone who delights in the pain of another human being, or blames them for being hurt, has a whole lot of their own shit to wade through. I know that shame. I felt it too. But it wasn't mine. And it's not yours.
      Consider where it first took root and them consider that those old messages (that weren't true then and still aren't) are things you're telling yourself. The only person who thought I wasn't "enough" was me. The only person who thought I was an idiot for being cheated on was me. The cruel things I said to myself were NOTHING that anyone else was saying. If they were thinking them, then that's none of my business. I certainly don't think of others that way. I don't blame people for being cheated on. There was a time, I'm sorry to say, that I did think that. "She's a nag." "No wonder he's miserable." Now? Now, I know that I haven't a clue what goes on in another's person marriage. Now, if I see a "nag" wife, I suspect she's exhausted by a husband who's never home, or who treats her as expendable.
      Either way...none of my business.
      I hope you're doing your own work to exorcise the shame you feel. You deserve to take pride in your loyalty, not see it as a liability. You deserve to feel worthy, to feel "enough". I hope you find that.

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  2. Thank you so much for this post. It's exactly what I needed to read. I struggle with this almost daily even though I know how much strength it took/takes to stay and fight for my marriage and family. Our culture doesn't recognize or talk about that strength. Thanks for helping so many of us fight off the shame beast.

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    1. You're welcome. Keep pushing back against that shame. It is not yours. It's one thing to take responsibility for your contribution to your marriage ecosystem. It's quite another to blame yourself for a partner's choice to lie/deceive/cheat. That is entirely on them. And, just a reminder, they didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you. They cheated because there's something wrong with them. If they want to fix it, great. If not...there's the door.

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  3. This post is wonderful. Shame is the last piece of the puzzle I am dealing with. Not necessarily shame for staying and I know and believe I am worthy of love and fidelity. I think I simply struggle with the fact that I was attracted to and love such a broken man capable of such horrible behavior. I am not Ashamed for staying, but still find myself fearful of growing closer to him and being vulnerable. I truly believe he has changed and will never act out again, but acknowledge he could. That’s beside the point. What I still struggle with almost 3 years out is when things feel too good a little voice in my head that says “he is not worthy of this love. You know what he is capable of and even though you believe he won’t again, there is a part of him that allows him to act in horrible ways that you could never”. And there lies the shame, that I love a man that was? Is? So flawed and capable of crossing such clear boundaries. There is no grey area in cheating. It’s all 100 percent wrong. Oddly, I know I deserve love and I feel happy when we are vulnerable and loving with one another....... but?.... until?.... when? ... that dam cautionary voice whispers “but there is some sensitivity chip, or ability to truly love missing in him to do what he did for so long” ... and then I retreat. He has given me no reason to doubt his change and commitment so this is just something I am truly trying to get past. That damn little voice needs to shut up. Or maybe not? Sometimes I wonder if I should listen to it. I do know, I am happier when it shuts the “F” up. 🤷‍♀️ But then it whispers “is he truly capable of feeling like a typical person or is he just trying to?” My mother is more practical. At 73 her attitude is “I wouldn’t worry about his feelings too much. As long as he continues to treat you well and the cheating has stopped, then enjoy what he offers.”

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    1. Your mother is a wise woman. Cause the truth is, we don't really know anyone is capable of, including ourselves. When I was able to truly see my husband as "deserving" of a second chance was when I was able to acknowledge that, if I had lived his life, I might have made similar mistakes. And lots of studies show that we are capable of things we never imagined we could be, under certain circumstances. I see someone who admits their awful behaviour and then takes steps to become a better person as amazing. That takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of humility.
      And maybe that's how you talk back to that voice. Remind that voice that lots of people choose not to learn from their mistakes, they double down on them. That nobody's perfect. Not you. Not me.

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    2. Wow. You described me. I have feelings of shame sometimes because I now know who he truly is, what his true character is, and what he’s capable of doing. And still I stayed. I know I will never fully trust him again because of his profound betrayal, but I still stayed. Because Elle is correct - our relationship and marriage is made of millions of moments that were other than the affair. And those millions of moments add up to something more than what he did. Add remorse, hard work, and lots of still-ongoing counseling, and I believe I made the correct decision for me.

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  4. Thank you for this. I just learned 4 days ago that my husband has started seeing the woman he had an affair with for a year and half. We went through marriage counseling, finished in fact, and were very happy. He said he contacted her a couple months ago to see how she was and had not intention of going down this path again. We are 2 weeks away from renewing our vows and how I found out was after I had to rush him to the hospital for possible seizures. They were emotional stress seizures caused from not knowing how to tell me he had done this. He is in counseling now and he has not made a decision as to who he wants to be with. He knows he has to and soon. Shame is the number one thing I felt the last couple of days and I have had people ask me why I am still with him. This helped me feel better about my decision and that I am OK to make this choice because I am basing it on zillions of moments and not these 2 acts of betrayal. This blog was a huge help this fall when I first found out about it and this was what I needed to hear today so thank you.

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    1. Unknown,
      I am so so sorry for what I know you're going through right now. But please remember, let it sink into your bones, that giving someone a second chance, even if they squander that chance, is not your shame to bear. It is a beautiful thing to see someone as worthy of love, even when they, themselves, are screwing up. And whatever happens, I hope you're keep that heart-wide-open attitude in life.
      This also underscores, however, why it's so important for our partners to do their own work so that, when those temptations arise (and they will arise), they are clear-eyed about what they're doing. Getting in touch with a former affair partner, ex-girlfriend, high school sweetheart or whatever is always opening the door to betrayal. There is no "I had no intention" because it doesn't matter what you're "intending". It matters that you created the opportunity for that "intention" to shift. That's on your husband. He's clearly still lying to himself and, therefore, to you too.
      But here's the thing, Unknown, whatever happens, you will be okay. You will be better than okay. Know that. Trust that. It will hurt like hell either way. But, with time and work, you will come out the other side.

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