Because I didn’t feel like I deserved love. Showing up and asking for love without having anything to offer in return was out of the question. I would have to be of service in order to earn love. I would have to be sexy and funny and larger than life. I would have to dance on tabletops. I would have to win and keep winning. I would not be able to rest.
~Dear Polly, The Cut
If there was one overwhelming belief I had about my husband's betrayal, it was this: I was not enough.
He cheated because I was not sexy enough.
He cheated because I was not thin enough.
He cheated because I was not beautiful enough.
Smart enough.
Fun enough.
Adventurous enough in bed.
Succesful enough.
I was, clearly, not enough.
There was plenty of evidence to the contrary but that didn't alter my belief. Not one bit.
Because my belief – that I was not enough – was something I had carried around with me since childhood. Though I was barely conscious of it, I had built my life around proving to others that I could be enough, if they would give me the chance to show them.
Every friendship felt like an audition.
Every relationship felt like probation.
Though I tolerated no end of others' bad behaviour, I didn't allow myself a single mistake. I made mistakes, of course. We all do. And then I would sink into shame so deep, I could hardly breathe. That's the problem with perfection being the only acceptable bar. It's impossible. And when we brush up against that impossibility, it makes us so incredibly angry that we're ready to just burn it all down. The system is rigged.
Yes, it is.
But we're the ones doing the rigging.
We're the ones demanding perfection of ourselves.
We're the ones choosing the wrong people. And then blaming ourselves when it all falls apart.
And so when my husband admitted that, yes, he was having an affair, somewhere deep down inside was a voice that said of course, he was. Because you are not enough.
We talk a lot about our deep knowing here, on this site. It can be hard to discern which is our deep knowing and which is the voice of the critic. But let me tell you this: Your deep knowing will never tell you you're not enough. Your deep knowing is a voice of love. It is a voice of acceptance. It is, if you're religious or spiritual, a voice of divine love. It is, if you're not religious or spiritual, a voice that speaks the truth of every person's value.
Your deep knowing will never tell you you're not enough.
Your critic most certainly will.
We've all had critics in our lives and, far too often, their voices take root in our bodies and chastise us decades after the actual speaker is gone. It might have been a parent, a sibling, your fifth-grade teacher who laughed at your dream. It might have been a boss, a friend, a bully.
But you have thrown the door open to that critic to move in with you, to offer nothing but reminders that you are a profound disappointment.
Critics are absolutely not the voice of truth. They speak nothing but lies.
My critic insisted for years that I was not enough. Not matter how fast I danced, it was never fast enough. No matter what I achieved, the critic would move the finish line further ahead.
The system was rigged.
But it was us doing the rigging.
Let's unrig the system.
If there is a silver lining to my husband's infidelity, it was that, with a whole lot of work and some new truth-telling glasses, I could finally see the flaw in the system. I could see that I was setting myself up.
What I wish for all of you is that same revelation.
He didn't cheat because you are not enough.
He cheated for any number of reasons that – and this is the truth – have nothing to do with you.
He cheated because he believes he's not enough. He cheated because someone paid attention to him and it felt good. He cheated because it made him feel young. He cheated because his moral compass is broken. He cheated because it distracted him from money woes, an empty nest, a special needs child, a sick wife, a dying parent.
He cheated, as Esther Perel reminds us, because he was looking for another version of himself.
Your work, in the wake of his infidelity, is to unrig the system that you've rigged against yourself. To refuse the system that our culture has rigged against us. The one that says we're not allowed to age, to soften, to choose for ourselves.
The good news is that we have everything we need for the challenge ahead. We have ourselves. And that is enough.
Pages
- Home
- Feeling Stuck, Page 22 (PAGE FULL)
- Sex and intimacy after betrayal
- Share Your Story: Finding Out, Part 5 (4 is full!!...
- Finding Out, Part 5 (Please post here. Part 4 is f...
- Stupid S#*t Cheaters Say
- Separating/Divorcing Page 9
- Finding Out, Part 6
- Books for the Betrayed
- Separating and Divorcing, Page 10
- Feeling Stuck, Part 23
- MORE Stupid S#*t Cheaters Say
- Share Your Story Part 6 (Part 5 is full)
- Sex & Intimacy After Betrayal Part 2 (Part 1 is full)
- Share Your Story
- Share Your Story Part 7 (6 is FULL)
Thank you - again - for such thoughtful, wise words. I hate what you've been through to be able to assist the rest of us in the ways you do, but I'm so, so grateful for your willingness to write so openly and with such hope. Needed to read this today. Thank you, Elle.
ReplyDeleteJana,
DeleteI'm not crazy about what I went through either but I can see how it brought me to where I am and, for that, I can be thankful.
This Elle is the kinda of interpretation of the feelings I had and you were the one that helped me to understand that the reason he cheated was his failure not mine! Still putting one foot in front of the other and living one day at a time! Thank you for keeping this place going for those of us that still need that extra boost you give to get us through the toughest times!
ReplyDeleteThanks Theresa. And thank-you for all you've done to welcome newcomers, extend your warmth, and share your own story.
DeleteI wrote out what I called the Steward standards, what I was taught growing up and then a list of what I expected out of myself from growing up. It had 24 standards or so listed out. I looked at those and thought NOBODY can live up to these. But I expected myself to live up to a set of standards expected for me to live by when I didn't write these. So I expected my H to live up these too. What a mess. One by one I reminded myself that I didn't have to live up to standards so high. Guess what? Living up to these standards did not make me happier. Letting them go one by one made me very restful and my mind to slow down. It was one of the best things I ever worked on for me.
ReplyDeleteWow LLP, I be that was so illuminating. To be able to really see just how high your standards were for yourself and how you were setting yourself up for misery. There is no compassion for others until we can give it to ourselves. I read something recently that I thought was so interesting, about porn use. Porn use among people who describe themselves as religious is both "higher than average" and "lower than average" and this is because those who condemn themselves and call it weakness etc. actually have HIGHER than average porn use while those who are able to view it as a mistake they can remedy but that doesn't make them bad people end up having lower than average use. Compassion for ourselves helps us become our better selves.
DeleteThank you for that. I heard the excuses from him since February, my self-esteem is now at a crashing low. Eager to work this out as he says and I do see the little things. But I feel like my worth is gone. He's got my children think either crazy and he's the knight. AND they too have the mentality of 'just let it go, get over it.' All the while I am putting up my boundaries so he will respect them if he wants US back. The cell phone he used to emotionally cheat on me is our biggest argument. It's in my name, I pay the bill. His therapist and our marriage therapist he says that should not be watched. I don't agree. I feel that I need to feel comforted in truth than the continuance of him using his phone to lie and belittle me. After reading your article I realized I still need to see my worth. I was worthy before, grieving, but still worthy. I am worthy. And you all are too. We ARE WORTHY.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am so sorry for the pain you've gone through and are still going through. What's more, you are being gaslit. To have him convincing your kids that YOU are the crazy one is gaslighting. A therapist telling you that he should be being watched is gaslighting. He has shown you that he will lie and deceive. And they expect you to just throw up your hands and say "I trust you now?" Nope. Absolutely not. That's not the same as creating a police state but it IS about holding him accountable for what he's done. He should be doing backflips to show how transparent he is, to show you that he's earning back your trust, day by day. If he's not willing to do that, then he only wants forgiveness without any effort on his part. I think you need a new couples therapist. And, possibly, a new husband. (Joking about the new husband. Sort of.)
DeleteIm sort of spamming in the comments section of every post with the same words; THANK YOU. This blog is my lifeline in my hour of need. I will keep spamming like this so please just ignore me.
ReplyDelete