When someone is upset at you – your business partner, your relationship partner – your immediate reaction is to tear apart their argument and show them why they're wrong. When the reality is, if they're upset, that's enough evidence that you need to do something. You need to acknowledge the problem and you need to overcorrect. Consumers and relationship partners love to forgive – they just need to know you care.
~Scott Galloway, Pivot Podcast, May 7/21
Peloton, the company that created the COVID-perfect futuristic in-home bike that haunts my dreams and threatens my bank balance, had a problem. Its treadmills had caused the death of one child and injured a few dozen other people. Not thousands or even hundreds. But, of course, one death should always be considered too many.
And so they recalled their treadmills. Their many many treadmills. I'm sure it hurt to take a hard financial hit. But it was the right to do, said Scott Galloway, who, with the brilliant Kara Swisher hosts Pivot, a fascinating podcast about tech, culture, politics, life.
It's the same, he said, with relationships.
He's right.
Unfortunately, so many unfaithful spouses get this wrong.
So. Many. So. Wrong.
Consequently, what could be the opportunity to add balm to the wound of infidelity becomes a further injury.
And so this post is for any (former) Unfaithfuls who want to learn how to do it differently, who genuinely want to heal, who can put aside their defensiveness to make space for their partner's pain.
What we need from you is really fairly simple. If we've stayed, if we're even considering trying to rebuild out marriage, it means we want to forgive you. You can help us do that.
We need you make like Peleton and overcorrect.
We need you to not minimize what happened.
We need you to not explain away our feelings.
We need you to bite your tongue when we say awful, horrible things about the OW. No, we likely wouldn't be her friend if the circumstances were different. She sleeps with married men.
We need you to understand that behind our anger is so much pain. Overlook the anger. See the pain. If you can do that, our anger-mask will shatter and our fragile shaking self will appear.
We need you to listen without simply waiting for us to stop talking.
We need you to be patient with us as we dismiss your gestures of caring as manipulative, or too late, or not enough. Do them anyway.
We need you to take responsibility for your own healing. You call the therapist. You find the 12-step group. You find the books and the podcasts and the websites. You do the work.
We need you to understand that we are traumatized. We are not being dramatic. We really do want to die somedays. We really do believe that we will never feel like ourselves again. This is trauma speaking. Trauma speaks big, bold, terrifying lies that we absolutely believe. Support us as we learn to speak back.
Overcorrect, Unfaithfuls. Do more than the bare minimum. And then do more still. Show us in a hundred different ways that you care that you hurt us, that our pain matters more than your pride, that your family matters more than her.
Do it right, Unfaithfuls and you will have helped rebuild your marriage. It will have been worth it to also rebuild your integrity.
Overcorrect, Unfaithfuls. That's the key.
Devastated
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I've been there. We all have. But please know you will get through this. Your focus must be on self-care, which means treating yoruself the way you'd treat a traumatized friend. Rest when you can. Eat (order in, if necessary). Find support in the form of a therapist. Share with a trusted friend who will support you. And keep posting here. The women here are incredible and can light your way forward.
DeleteYeah.
ReplyDeleteBtw, the link doesn't easily go to the podcast.
H'mmm...working fine for me. It's a really interesting episode. Fascinating show, actually.
DeleteI think what’s most important is that if they asked for a second chance, they must be aware of what they’re getting into and of how hard they have to work in order to truly deserve that second chance.
ReplyDeleteBut what happens when they ask for a second chance, you give it, and they simply won’t do their work?
Sarigv, if they won't do the work they are not serious about changing their behavior and care less about you and and your boundaries. You get to decide what you want to do about that. You have options.
DeleteSarigv,
DeleteIf they won't do the work, they're telling you that they don't deserve that "second chance". They're telling you that they want forgiveness without the reckoning. They want this to be over and to move on without wrestling with what they did and how it impacted you, them, the marriage. In my mind, it's a dealbreaker. A second chance comes with strings -- counselling, a willingness to listen to your pain, and a plan for going forward that centers the relationship and prioritizes your needs.
As painful as it is, if they are crossing a boundary you set, not recognizing how much they have broken you in my case, you send them down the road. At least that what I did. It's plain as it can ever be to me that he will never recognize the magnitude of his actions and will always hold me responsibility for his choices. So, here I am and I am going to come out the other end as whole as I can make myself. You get to decide when you don't/won't put up with their choices. And choices include everything from a smirk when your face shows pain to a punch to the head and everything in between. Your choice.
ReplyDeleteTime to starting thing about me instead of we. Everyone here is here for you.
Absolutely. Just because someone asks for our forgiveness, we are neither obliged to give it nor obliged to do anything further. We can forgive someone and still not want to be in the marriage.
DeleteThis post really resonates with me. I actually wrote something very similar in my journal just this week. There is no such thing as too much reassurance, or too many heart-felt, unsolicited apologies.
ReplyDelete👏👏👏
DeleteTy for this post. I sent it to my husband. I love him dearly and he emotionally cheated for our entire marriage basically... we have been together for nearly 12 yrs, but married only 2 this coming month. We got married, went on our honeymoon 6months later, had a whole baby 9 months after that...and I just discovered he was emotionally cheating with a coworker the entire time. One of the hardest parts is that he was always a good man to me. Like a really, really good man. Ppl envied our relationship. Also spoke about how amazing we are to each other. It just hurts so much to discover that what I thought and what ppl thought was not true on his part. He is trying to save our marriage. And says everything he has ever done and every moment we have had was true. That he does love to take care of me and our family. I just don't understand how, if he loves me and treated me so well...how will I know if he will not do it again? And if I'm so close to "perfect " how will I ever be enough for him. So many thoughts! Total mind f**k.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. That's devastating.
DeleteBut, Anonymous, please know that his cheating has nothing to do with your "perfection". As we say here, he didn't cheat because there's soemthing wrong with you, he cheated because there's something wrong with him. As for emotional affairs, they're often conducted by people who require constant attention or affirmation that they're lovable. They feel empty and are filled up by doting on others but also by others' adoration of them. Which is to say...he has some work to do to get clear on why he risked everything that matters to him for someone who, ultimately, doesn't.
Your job is to focus on your own healing, which includes understanding the dynamics of affairs. Happy husbands cheat. People who love their wives cheat. Often it's about conflict avoidance (easier to distract oneself than deal with painful emotions). But again...his job is to figure that out. Yours is to process your own pain.
Haven't commented in awhile. This post really really hits home for me. My husband has taken complete accountability for his actions, has never blamed me, and really tried in the first year to just listen. and apologize. BUT. I feel like he's doing just enough. I feel like he's doing what he should've been doing prior to his affairs. Little by little he has made comments that insinuate that I should be moving forward, not backwards. He makes me feel like I am crazy a lot, especially if I get triggered by something. I feel like we are "backsliding" as we move "forward" and I don't know how to stop it. If I talk to him he is the dutiful husband and listens and cares but his actions show otherwise. When I freak out and blow up over something that is small there is usually a hidden trauma behind it but he thinks I am using the past as a "get out of jail free" card to just react badly for no reason. he doesn't understand. I know I shouldn't blow up over small things but sometimes I just snap. I don't want to
ReplyDelete