Glennon Doyle, author of Love Warrior, survivor of marital infidelity/sex addiction, and host of We Can Do Hard Things podcast was talking about why she moved from one state to another. She was surrounded by people, she says, who not only didn't "get" her, they were actively hostile. And she was reminded of something she told herself when her marriage felt untenable: "The door is not locked."
It's something that applies, metaphorically, to so many things in our lives that feel un-leave-able. The toxic boss we think we have to continue to please because "it's a tough job market out there". The cruel friend we continue to tolerate because her cruelty is couched in assurances that she just wants us to be happy. The parent who demands our loyalty because "look at all I've done for you".
And yes, the marriage. The marriage that now bears the mark of infidelity.
The door is not locked.
Believing it is locked keeps us trapped. It keeps us tolerating the intolerable. It keeps us responsible for everyone else's happiness. I told myself that my children needed stability, which isn't untrue. But it held me in place. It kept me from even testing the door to see it gave, even an inch.
I don't regret staying. But it was only when I realized that I wasn't trapped, that staying was a choice I could make did I develop the self-respect to begin making demands. If I'm going to stay in this marriage, I need total honesty. If I'm going to stay in this marriage, here are my rules.
Maybe you need reminding that the door is not locked. You have choices and they run the spectrum – from leaving entirely, to a trial separation, to rebuilding together. And you have so many other choices too. To quit that job that makes you feel useless and unvalued. To join a group of people who share your interests. To find a good therapist. To leave a lousy one. To lay down boundaries with friends, parents, children that give you the space you need to love both you and them simultaneously.
A locked door is a story we told ourselves. The door is not locked, my secret sisters. It never was.
Thank You! I really needed to read this today. I need to be reminded that I have the power to make my own decisions.
ReplyDeleteMy parents have been married 50 years and so have his. My expectation was we marry for life and divorce was a failure. So when things got tough (18 years married) and we couldn't find a path I accepted that this was what it was going to be like. I stayed and lived with the expectation that I would have to meet my own needs, he was not someone to rely on and maybe things would get better. Knowing now that for the following 2.5yrs he was self destructing with hook up sex. My own sexual identity changed but most of all, his choice to leave the marriage has changed my view. Im now here while it is good for me. Our marriage now will always remain an option for me ,as he realises how low he went and how close he came to losing everything. My needs are now first, 1.5yrs out from DDay and life in general is good even though I struggle to emotionally regulate and deal with stress. He is being compassionate even though really he doesn't understand the emotional and physical impact on me. We are building something new but I am ok now if it doesn't work out.
ReplyDeleteEven 6 years post D-day I relate to your posts. The door was never locked but the overwhelming experience of being married to a sex addict, having a family and job and being deeply involved with a larger family and friend network just felt so...overwhelming. I will never know what my friends and family would have thought, said or done because I suffered in silence until I could feel both feet on the ground. I stayed but the door is still not locked. I have no idea what he thinks about his past because I suspect he never thinks about it at all. I am reminded all the time with the little sandwich signs for "Asian massage" and the street walkers. It isn't their fault but I still hate them as much as I hate him at times. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteI have been so busy that I have not been able to check in to read this blog. But tonight, a horrible horrible night, Im glad this blog exist and this post is waiting for me to read it. Just like that sleepless nights after D day, this blog is like a life raft. It gives me hope. Maybe Im stil in the middle of the dark stormy sea, but at least I know I have a chance of survival. My door is not locked. It never was. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing such a wonderful article. I love that you have talked about this topic as many of us feel trapped but we surrender to an unhappy marriage. We all deserve to live happy life. I consulted a matrimonial lawyer year back and she guided me through all the legal rights we have in a marriage and it was empowering.
Looking forward to more articles from you.