Glennon Doyle, author of Love Warrior, survivor of marital infidelity/sex addiction, and host of We Can Do Hard Things podcast was talking about why she moved from one state to another. She was surrounded by people, she says, who not only didn't "get" her, they were actively hostile. And she was reminded of something she told herself when her marriage felt untenable: "The door is not locked."
It's something that applies, metaphorically, to so many things in our lives that feel un-leave-able. The toxic boss we think we have to continue to please because "it's a tough job market out there". The cruel friend we continue to tolerate because her cruelty is couched in assurances that she just wants us to be happy. The parent who demands our loyalty because "look at all I've done for you".
And yes, the marriage. The marriage that now bears the mark of infidelity.
The door is not locked.
Believing it is locked keeps us trapped. It keeps us tolerating the intolerable. It keeps us responsible for everyone else's happiness. I told myself that my children needed stability, which isn't untrue. But it held me in place. It kept me from even testing the door to see it gave, even an inch.
I don't regret staying. But it was only when I realized that I wasn't trapped, that staying was a choice I could make did I develop the self-respect to begin making demands. If I'm going to stay in this marriage, I need total honesty. If I'm going to stay in this marriage, here are my rules.
Maybe you need reminding that the door is not locked. You have choices and they run the spectrum – from leaving entirely, to a trial separation, to rebuilding together. And you have so many other choices too. To quit that job that makes you feel useless and unvalued. To join a group of people who share your interests. To find a good therapist. To leave a lousy one. To lay down boundaries with friends, parents, children that give you the space you need to love both you and them simultaneously.
A locked door is a story we told ourselves. The door is not locked, my secret sisters. It never was.
