I subscribe to a newsletter called Writer Unboxed. It offers writing tips on everything from character and plot development to focus and motivation.
A recent post focused on poet Mary Oliver, who recently died. If you haven't already discovered Mary Oliver, I urge you to do so. She was sometimes not taken seriously because her poetry is so accessible. If anyone can understand it, the thinking seemed to go, then it wasn't worthy of being elevated to art.
I disagree, as did legions of Oliver aficionados. It was her simple language that opened the door to so much. The ability to pack so much into a compact sentence is what made an Oliver poem so stunning. So beautiful. And, sometimes, so painful. It touched us in our tender places.
Oliver didn't turn away from her pain. She, as this writer above puts it, passed through the wound.
It's what we're doing here, isn't it? Pretty much everyone who finds themselves here discovers that going around or under or over the wound just doesn't work. We must pass through it in order to heal ourselves.
What does that look like? To pass through a wound?
Well, it looks like the tough conversation you no longer avoid.
It looks like setting and holding to clear boundaries.
It looks like giving yourself the time and space, if you need it, trusting that if your husband will move on that quickly, he had one foot out the door already.
It's about facing your own demons. What pain did you bring into the marriage? What old wounds still need tending? What have you been doing to avoid feeling?
Passing through the wound requires so much courage. Which is why it's crucial to be gentle with yourself. Self-care has become one of those catch-phrases that life coaches and advertisers use to sell us stuff. But self-care isn't about a spa day or a fancy new journal with multi-coloured pens, or a new pair of shoes. It's about asking yourself what you need right now. And then listening carefully for the answer. It's about cultivating a space that amplifies a deeper voice, one that knows how to care for you, one that knows your worth.
This will sometimes take your breath away. You will need support. You will need this army of fierce and fabulous secret sisters to remind you that you are strong enough and brave enough and enough enough.
But I bring to you the kinda lousy news that there is no other way to a genuine and long-lasting healing but to pass through the wound.
It's dark and frightening and painful.
But on the other side? It's glorious.
The World I Live In
by Mary Oliver
I have refused to live
locked in the orderly house of
reasons and proofs.
The world I live in and believe in
is wider than that. And anyway,
what's wrong with Maybe?
You wouldn't believe what once or
twice I have seen. I just
tell you this:
only if there are angels in your head will you
ever, possibly, see one.
