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| A sunrise over a remote lake is an annual part of the life I choose for myself. Choose something beautiful for you. |
I
wanted to show up today to talk to some of our newer arrivals; those of you who
don’t yet know what warriors you are and are reeling or are in full-on “try to
save and fix everything” mode. I am more than 3 1/2 years out from D-Day and,
looking back, would never have believed it would be possible to be where I am.
I would have been a little mad/annoyed/not ready to listen to the Me
now. In those first, shuddering, pain-filled months, all I wanted was for my husband
to wake up, get his head out of his ass and see what he was going to lose. And
to stop hurting.
I
don’t come to the site daily anymore. While I care deeply about the friends and
connections I’ve made and feel so much empathy and compassion for the endless,
tragic string of new arrivals, infidelity and triggers just aren’t an
influential part of my daily life anymore. And I've begun to feel that my experience as a divorced, single person
post-infidelity, lines up less and less with what I read in the posts and
comments. I think that’s okay. New folks are showing up and Chinook inspires with
her fire and words; it’s like a changing of the guards (hear the rattle of
swords and line up to get the dirt smudged under your eyes) but I can continue
to show up and hold space for that.
But
it has also been suggested to me that my experience and voice may still be
relevant, especially for those who choose or have divorce chosen for them. Even for those of you who feel physically ill
at the idea of divorce (like I did), it's important to know that it doesn’t have
to be all fear, failure, loss, struggle and poverty. You can come out the other
side a stronger, healthier, more confident person. I can’t tell you exactly how
that will go for you because we are all different, but I do know you have to
choose it and pursue it (even if you have no idea what the hell you are doing
when you start).
I’m
on my own healing journey and without the perp (my ex-husband) in my face
daily, I don’t have the same challenges to navigate. I have different ones but
I worry that talking about them on this site will trigger and terrify new
arrivals. I know when I first got there, the last thing I wanted to look at
closely was even the possibility of divorce, let alone wrap my head around the
idea that I would end up better-than-fine. One of the biggest things to accept? That ending my marriage has been one of the best things to happen to me
for a long time. It has freed me to work on and release old patterns and
learn to value myself. Yes, my ex is still around (he comes to my home two
nights a week for dinner with our son). But I am
not obligated to make it work if it doesn’t work for me. I’m not required to
deal with his shit when he tries to push past boundaries. And while he is
working on improving as a human being, he manages to remind me how far he still
has to go just regularly enough that I don’t feel anything much like regret. Not anymore.
Instead,
I have worked at crafting a life I can be proud of and a story I am willing to
claim as mine. I pursued volunteer work that has led to friendships and
connections that fill me up. There are real people in my life who love and
value me, in all my flawed weirdness. I have learned to love myself and treat
my time and health with care. I’ve been working on trusting myself, both with
personal life decisions and in my business. I committed to growing my business
so it could support me after the alimony runs out, and I’m doing it. I am succeeding.
I learned all about money and budgeting because not being in control of your finances
is the source of a lot of fear for a lot of us. And I’ve done a lot of work in
therapy and on my own to bring old stories and unhelpful beliefs into the clean
light of day.
I’ve
even dated a little and learned a lot about myself in the process. It’s not for
the faint or fragile, let me tell you. When you are still raw from the massive
rejection of a spouse choosing to cheat, even the tiniest rejection (a guy
doesn’t follow up when he says he will or ghosting or any of that stupid dating
stuff) feels much bigger than it really is. I started dating way too soon,
mostly out of a need to prove to myself that someone, anyone was going to want
me. But what I learned was that people who barely knew me could treat me with kindness,
be thoughtful, be affectionate and that I had been starved of that in my
marriage. I decided that I had to find, create or be a source of that for
myself, to be whole before I went looking for someone else. And where I’ve landed
with the whole dating thing now is that I’m not in a rush. My life is full. I’m
proud of who I am and I don’t need a romantic partner to be complete. Of
course, I’d love to have a best friend who gets me and thinks I’m awesome and
all the closeness that real intimacy can bring but I’m content to wait and see
who shows up. And if no one does, that’s okay too. I’m living a good
life.
When
I look back at everything I’ve done and gone through and all the therapy and coaching
and reading and running and meditating, I’m not sure I would have arrived here
without the divorce. I needed the space
to breathe and explore without those old dance moves getting in the way. And
you should know that, after we separated, he tried to come back three times.
Each time, I trusted my gut and said no. I knew he hadn’t done the work. I knew,
on two of those occasions, that the OW was still in the picture and all he
really wanted was for me to rescue him from the mess he had made. So, as I said
to him, "I finally choose me".
Do
I sometimes still feel like I was robbed of what I thought our future was going
to be? Yes but the real talk voice reminds me that that was just my idea of a
future and reality was not likely to have been what I imagined, even a little
bit. And reality, my life on my own now, is so much richer than I would have
believed possible in that first year after D-day. So, blessedly, infidelity and
all the complex stuff around it, is becoming a thing that happened, in the
past, and without much impact on my day-to-day life. It is diminishing in
the rearview mirror with increasing speed. I know I’m fortunate in that
regard. I want you to know that no matter how your story goes, if divorce is in
your future, you can keep yourself safe. Not by hiding and closing off from the
world but by running toward it, by claiming a space for yourself, by loving
yourself fiercely, by choosing you.
