Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Guest Post: The D Word

by StillStanding1

A sunrise over a remote lake is an annual part of the life I choose for myself.  
Choose something beautiful for you.


I wanted to show up today to talk to some of our newer arrivals; those of you who don’t yet know what warriors you are and are reeling or are in full-on “try to save and fix everything” mode. I am more than 3 1/2 years out from D-Day and, looking back, would never have believed it would be possible to be where I am. I would have been a little mad/annoyed/not ready to listen to the Me now. In those first, shuddering, pain-filled months, all I wanted was for my husband to wake up, get his head out of his ass and see what he was going to lose. And to stop hurting.

I don’t come to the site daily anymore. While I care deeply about the friends and connections I’ve made and feel so much empathy and compassion for the endless, tragic string of new arrivals, infidelity and triggers just aren’t an influential part of my daily life anymore. And I've begun to feel that my experience as a divorced, single person post-infidelity, lines up less and less with what I read in the posts and comments. I think that’s okay. New folks are showing up and Chinook inspires with her fire and words; it’s like a changing of the guards (hear the rattle of swords and line up to get the dirt smudged under your eyes) but I can continue to show up and hold space for that.

But it has also been suggested to me that my experience and voice may still be relevant, especially for those who choose or have divorce chosen for them. Even for those of you who feel physically ill at the idea of divorce (like I did), it's important to know that it doesn’t have to be all fear, failure, loss, struggle and poverty. You can come out the other side a stronger, healthier, more confident person. I can’t tell you exactly how that will go for you because we are all different, but I do know you have to choose it and pursue it (even if you have no idea what the hell you are doing when you start).

I’m on my own healing journey and without the perp (my ex-husband) in my face daily, I don’t have the same challenges to navigate. I have different ones but I worry that talking about them on this site will trigger and terrify new arrivals. I know when I first got there, the last thing I wanted to look at closely was even the possibility of divorce, let alone wrap my head around the idea that I would end up better-than-fine. One of the biggest things to accept? That ending my marriage has been one of the best things to happen to me for a long time. It has freed me to work on and release old patterns and learn to value myself. Yes, my ex is still around (he comes to my home two nights a week for dinner with our son). But I am not obligated to make it work if it doesn’t work for me. I’m not required to deal with his shit when he tries to push past boundaries. And while he is working on improving as a human being, he manages to remind me how far he still has to go just regularly enough that I don’t feel anything much like regret. Not anymore. 

Instead, I have worked at crafting a life I can be proud of and a story I am willing to claim as mine. I pursued volunteer work that has led to friendships and connections that fill me up. There are real people in my life who love and value me, in all my flawed weirdness. I have learned to love myself and treat my time and health with care. I’ve been working on trusting myself, both with personal life decisions and in my business. I committed to growing my business so it could support me after the alimony runs out, and I’m doing it. I am succeeding. I learned all about money and budgeting because not being in control of your finances is the source of a lot of fear for a lot of us. And I’ve done a lot of work in therapy and on my own to bring old stories and unhelpful beliefs into the clean light of day.

I’ve even dated a little and learned a lot about myself in the process. It’s not for the faint or fragile, let me tell you. When you are still raw from the massive rejection of a spouse choosing to cheat, even the tiniest rejection (a guy doesn’t follow up when he says he will or ghosting or any of that stupid dating stuff) feels much bigger than it really is. I started dating way too soon, mostly out of a need to prove to myself that someone, anyone was going to want me. But what I learned was that people who barely knew me could treat me with kindness, be thoughtful, be affectionate and that I had been starved of that in my marriage. I decided that I had to find, create or be a source of that for myself, to be whole before I went looking for someone else. And where I’ve landed with the whole dating thing now is that I’m not in a rush. My life is full. I’m proud of who I am and I don’t need a romantic partner to be complete. Of course, I’d love to have a best friend who gets me and thinks I’m awesome and all the closeness that real intimacy can bring but I’m content to wait and see who shows up. And if no one does, that’s okay too. I’m living a good life.

When I look back at everything I’ve done and gone through and all the therapy and coaching and reading and running and meditating, I’m not sure I would have arrived here without the divorce. I needed the space to breathe and explore without those old dance moves getting in the way. And you should know that, after we separated, he tried to come back three times. Each time, I trusted my gut and said no. I knew he hadn’t done the work. I knew, on two of those occasions, that the OW was still in the picture and all he really wanted was for me to rescue him from the mess he had made. So, as I said to him, "I finally choose me".

Do I sometimes still feel like I was robbed of what I thought our future was going to be? Yes but the real talk voice reminds me that that was just my idea of a future and reality was not likely to have been what I imagined, even a little bit. And reality, my life on my own now, is so much richer than I would have believed possible in that first year after D-day. So, blessedly, infidelity and all the complex stuff around it, is becoming a thing that happened, in the past, and without much impact on my day-to-day life. It is diminishing in the rearview mirror with increasing speed. I know I’m fortunate in that regard. I want you to know that no matter how your story goes, if divorce is in your future, you can keep yourself safe. Not by hiding and closing off from the world but by running toward it, by claiming a space for yourself, by loving yourself fiercely, by choosing you.

13 comments:

  1. SS1, you are amazing and I understand all that you said and shared. I also went to the link of your healing journey and there I was, deeply rooted in a pain I never thought would end or ever leave my body. And there was Elle, gently offering me the possibility that the pain I was feeling would not be there forever and that I might be able to reclaim my sacred space in the future. There was Michelle (Oliveme) in her pain and sorrow too. And Hopeful 30 you were there too. Some of us were such a short distance out from D-day pain that the future was still a gray cloud filled with potential lightening bolts and thunder. Hope was nebulous yet possible. I have eagerly lapped up all of your shared story SS1 and admired you from a distance as you pulled yourself together and built a life of meaning for you and your family. Your honest struggles and stories kept my faith strong that whatever happened, whether I stayed in my marriage or got divorced, I would be fine. I would be different from the old me but the new me would be fine. I no longer need to come here daily and honestly I do not. I rarely am triggered by things I read here but my well of sympathy runs deep for all the new members who crawl here thinking they are dying. The pain of betrayal by the one person in the whole world who was supposed to love you and have your back, in sickness and health, till death do you part is unimaginable to those of us who lost ourselves somewhere along the way and put our life satisfaction and happiness squarely in the hands of our spouse. I did that without really knowing that I did that somewhere along the way of a 40 year marriage. Correcting that path has taken a lot of work but here I am. That light at the end of the tunnel is no longer the incoming train! It is the blue sky and the freedom to make choices that resonate with me. I have better and stronger boundaries around everyone now, including my adult children and friends as well as my spouse. When my boundaries get fluid I know right away that I need to step back and get back in line with my own values and meaning. If I am not happy, nobody is happy now. God I love Michelle. FTS is still my warrior cry. Had to tell my brother in law last night the truth about his whining. When he said, "Thanks for beating me up, I responded, somebody has to". May your path be filled with beautiful agates, sweet flowers, fresh fruit and warmth. Where ever you go and whatever you do, you have forged a path for many here. Much love and big hugs my friend.

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    1. Hi Beach Girl, thank you. So many yeses in what you wrote. It sometimes really felt like we were all in a room together, hugging and weeping it out, and there were folks who also told us we'll be OK. I remember how hard that was to believe. Being able to pour my heart out here as I worked through so many things, and knowing there were real people out there listening, has been essential to my healing. I'm forever grateful. The thing I know now, that I didn't know then was that I have always been free to choose, about pretty much everything. More than we often realize. Blue sky and freedom! will be my new battle cry (and sometimes still FTS! when needed.) xoxo SS1

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  2. Hi StillStanding1.

    Thank you for this post. It was so refreshing and calming to read.
    I am still very much in the "trying to make this work" category, and despite it so often feeling like it isn't working, I think I stay partly because I want it to, but partly because I fear the alternative. The idea of divorce terrifies me. I don't think I would cope and I don't think our children would cope. And I worry often that the reason I stay is the wrong one. It is because of that fear, more than because I want to or believe I can get past all the hurt and anger.
    I am hurting again this week. We had to walk past, as a family, the most recent OW (H is a sex addict. There has been a string of them from the start of our marriage, but this last one was also an addict so she feels the most dangerous, and although we are now almost 2 years on from when he finally broke contact with her, seeing her dragged me right back to all the anxiety, anger etc).
    Most days I want to make us work, but on the days I dont, I can feel trapped and like I dont have a choice.
    Your post above has made me feel safer about the idea that just maybe I do.
    So thank you.

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    1. Hi Ali, I'm glad what I wrote lets you think about the idea that you do have a choice. I'm so sorry about seeing the OW. What an awful, punch in the gut moment.
      I think that not being sure why you stay or if you even want to is pretty normal. And I think it is OK not to know. You'll know when you know. Either because your H is doing the work and showing up and being a better human or because he isn't. For now, there is no wrong reason to stay. Truly.
      But I'd encourage you to look at the things that scare you about leaving. If only to take away their power. What is behind the word cope? Is it being able to support yourself financially? Is it not having the kids full time? Is it because divorce feels like a failure (I felt that way)? Is it because the kids will be damaged in some way? Once you name all the things, you can start looking at "Is this true?" And I know this could be really scary, but have you ever considered talking to a lawyer? Most will give you a free consult and knowing what you'd be entitled to and for how long, might help take some of the fear away. (and don't get me started on money and budgeting again - it's my crusade du jour). I bet your kids would handle it pretty well. In my case, I believe they benefit from having a happier healthier mom and seeing their mom and dad cooperate for their benefit. They know that despite the divorce we are both here for them. I make it a point never to talk shit about my ex with the kids. They need to know they are safe with me and can have a relationship with their dad too.
      Ali, I hope you are taking care of you. Whether you stay or go (no right or wrong reasons), keep building your life for you. You always have a choice and you are more capable of coping, than I think you are giving yourself credit for. xoxo SS1

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  3. Still Standing, thank you so, so much for writing this. The lines "infidelity and triggers just aren’t an influential part of my daily life anymore" and "infidelity... is diminishing in the rearview mirror with increasing speed" are incredibly reassuring to read.

    As Elle wrote on Twitter today, this isn't a website about choosing to stay or choosing to leave; it's a website that supports betrayed spouses in their recovery. I am equally inspired by stories of women who divorced and are now happy, like you, and stories of women who gave their marriage another chance and are now happy, like Elle. In fact, I have really needed both. I suspect that if I hadn't had them, I might have thought that one path would lead to a greater chance of healing.

    I'm only 12 months out from getting the full story, and I'm still undecided about the future. That's not because the affair was egregious (it was short-lived and did not involve sex) or because I have financial concerns (we have similar earning power) or because I'm afraid of being lonely in the future (I made my peace with the single life long before I met my husband in my 30s). It's certainly not because my husband is dragging his feet on atoning and changing -- he is, in fact, doing all the right things. Rather, I'm undecided because I don't know if my trust in him and respect for him can ever really be restored.

    Feel free to weigh in on this last point, anyone!

    Still Standing, your post reads a bit like a farewell. But I hope you aren't leaving forever. I want so much to know what the rest of the story is for a women who chose healing and divorce.

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    1. Hi Chinook, Thank you, I'm glad it helped to hear that the pain goes away. It really does. I can actually watch TV or read books where someone cheats and simply roll my eyes, rather than feel nauseous (actually, since I am a subject matter expert now ;) I often end up telling whoever I am with how unrealistic whatever is happening is etc. etc.).
      It's OK to be undecided and to get clear on what your deal breakers are over time. And trust and respect can take time too. You'll know when you know, i think. Super not helpful, but,I think it is true. It takes time for feelings and healing to play out.
      I don't think I intended it as a farewell, but I do, more and more find that days have gone by and I haven't checked my mail for updates from the BWC. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty about it, but then I remember that we all show up when we can and do what we can. And with the BWC, once a secret sister/warrior, always a secret sister/warrior. If I was a teensy bit crazier I'd get a tattoo of the logo. Or maybe we could all get key chains so we could recognize each other out in public and give a nod, a hug, a "you got this, lady."
      I intend to keep showing up when I can and contributing. XOXO SS1

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    2. Oh, Chinook! Your question on whether or not your trust and respect in your H can ever be restored is one that I have thought about and thought about. And I guess I’ve gone back and forth on it. Initially, I thought no way. Then I was convinced that I could. I think I’ve reached a point where I’m coming to terms with the fact that I trust him but I recognize that this whole thing has changed my perspective on people in general. I recognize that anyone is capable of hurting me, even those who i believed in the most. I still struggle a bit when i think of the things he was capable of when he was in the middle of the affair. I know he doesn’t ever want to be that person again, yet I also recognize that there are no guarantees, not in my marriage or anything else in life. These are truths that were always there but I had managed to avoid seeing them up close and personal.
      I am very quick to admit that I’m far more guarded with my heart than I ever was before this. I think sometimes that gets in the way of our relationship.
      My husband developed an addiction/issue with porn and then began an affair with a co-worker. My personal perspective is fclouded by growing up with many alcoholics and addicts in my extended family. While they all made attempts at recovery, none was ever fully successful. So I’ve never see anyone fully commit to making long term changes. And again, that causes me to be guarded.
      But then I see stories of people who truly make life changes and stick with them. My husband takes his second chance very seriously and has done nothing in the past 4 years to cause me not to believe him or his commitment. But sometimes i still find myself wishing so much for a marriage that didn’t have this history that I miss out on the good marriage that we have right now.

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  4. Hi Chinook.

    I think your question regarding the future pretty much summarises my own thoughts right now, and so I don't think you are remotely alone to wonder whether you are staying or going, and in hindsight, that first year is far too much of a rollercoaster to even contemplate any longterm decisions. As I have written before, I absolutely don't have the answer to whether or not I should stay or go, and I am trying to "relax" and allow time to lead me to an answer on that. And like you, the main reason I question that future boils down to how I feel about my H. Can I truly trust, love and respect him and our marriage again? Be truly happy without this constant weight of "but he did this" hanging over day to day life?

    SS1 asked some very pertinent questions to me about my belief that I am scared to leave. Like you, it isn't financial - it would impact us both, but I can remain living in the same house and we can lead pretty much similar quality of life. It isn't because H isn't putting in the work. He is sober from his sex addiction, and so while I might prefer he helped out more with the chores and play less on his phone/computer, those issues are ones I married him with and so I don't feel like I can say he didn't do the work, when he has managed to get himself clean of all addictive behaviour.

    I don't think I would enjoy being single - I met H when I was 18 years old, and we married at 21. I have never been single and never kissed, dated, or been in a relationship with anyone else, so that concerns me, but one thing I have learned from all this is that I am strong, I am a fighter, and I would survive. I still think that the two young girls we have (7 and 9) would be massively affected by us separating, and I would hate only seeing them for half of their young lives (we would split custody 50:50). I would hate that. But even then I think that maybe they would adjust. I think what keeps me staying right now is the hope and belief that things can be ok again. I don't believe any relationship is perfect, and I am scared that if I left (OK, I made him leave), I would be throwing away something which still has hope left in it. But equally, I am terrified that I am staying in a relationship where I am so withdrawn from allowing myself to open up to him again, I am trapping myself in and ruining a chance of happiness.

    I'm not sure this makes sense.

    I think that a bit like Dandelion, I trust H as much as I ever will do, but with the guarded realisation that once an addict, always an addict. So he is sober, but I am not stupid enough to believe he cant relapse.

    I think that, given his behaviours started when we first met, I have learned a lifetime of really really unhelpful coping /self preservation mechanisms, and our relationship is built on unhealthy interaction.

    If we are going to make it work, it is going to take a massive amount of time and effort. But, as I said, a new relationship probably wouldn't be much easier. Chances are I would be hurt a few times before I potentially found someone who was right, and I would carry with me a massive amount of baggage. Not that I want this to be "better the devil you know", but at the same time, I DO know my H. And while there is the chance we can make it work, I'm staying. But, as I said above, sometimes being reminded that the alternative of separating maybe isn't the "end of the world" is also no bad thing.

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  5. SS1 - I still love hearing your story. It proves that there is life after DDay ... and that yes, if both parties are willing a marriage can be restored ... but if only 1 person is willing we do NOT have to stay! AND if we choose not to stay ... life can and will be OK!

    I still love hearing your wisdom!

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  6. StillStanding1, I am so grateful that you shared this post. Your experience and voice are still relevant and I hope you consider writing more posts. I am one of those people whose D is in the process of standing for Divorce.

    I am officially one year in on my own healing journey. (First D-Day was 21 months ago but it wasn't until September 2018 that I finally figured out that my own recovery was all up to me so that is when I really started "working it" and began to get stronger.) The fact that my husband's "affair partner" was a chinese massage parlor whore should have been a big clue but I am slow! He is a sex addict and so I began attending SAnon. For months of meetings, I would listen to all the shares and not speak as I was concentrating so hard on not crying. Even in a room full of women like me, I felt like I wasn't relating to their shares. There was only one woman whose shares always made total sense to me. I could so relate to everything she said,,,,,but,,,,it scared me because her husband was NOT in recovery for himself. It finally dawned on me (remember, I am slow) that all the other women had similar heartaches and situations, but they could end their share with, "My husband is trying really hard." or "Thank God he chose recovery, too." It was a slow and horrendously painful peel of a thick layer of denial to realize what it meant that my husband was NOT choosing the hard work of recovery.

    I say all that to express that just because we don't WANT to imagine what feels like the worst case scenario...and we aren't ready to hear the scary things....perhaps they still need to be said. I trust you and Elle and other folks here can find the right and loving and gentle way to say them. I remember Elle responding to one of my comments personally and it was tough for me to read. (In a nutshell, she wondered what my husband had done to deserve my presence in his life.) It stung because of the truth, but not her delivery. She still found a way to focus on me and what I deserved and needed to figure out myself. It reminds me of a SAnon suggestion regarding their program, "Take what you need and leave the rest." If someone isn't ready, it is okay.

    Yes, I am choosing me!

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    1. Just Me - " It was a slow and horrendously painful peel of a thick layer of denial to realize what it meant that my husband was NOT choosing the hard work of recovery."

      I feel like I may be a few months in front of you on DDay ... but several months behind you in this realization. It's a shitty feeling to be in. But thank you for sharing your story ... it brings me to the realization I'm not alone.

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    2. Hi Just Me, I'm glad what I wrote helped. And yes, sometimes it is hard to hear and accept things before we are ready. It took me a long time to put some pieces together about my ex and accept the happy ending and the 'better, stronger' marriage I envisioned, because he was already out and truthfully had been making his exit for five agonizing years. But I came to see it as what was really happening. And when we are ready, we're ready. I'm glad you are choosing you. Its surprisingly hard, isn't it? Because we've been trained to put everything and everyone else ahead of our own needs. Choosing ourselves has to become a mindful practice, something we work at every day. I still find myself slipping, or sometimes feeling guilty about the shoulds I should be doing instead of running or taking a break, or whatever choosing me needs to look like that day.
      Just Me, you don't need to know how this all goes. Like Elle says all the time, you don't need to see the whole path, just the next right step for you. You will be ok. Some days will be really hard, but they will get better. And as Kimberly suggests, you are not alone. You've got an army of women here to support you. xoxo

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  7. Thank you for replying, Kimberly. No, you are definitely not alone. Hugs to you!

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