Most of us have “stuff” with money, just like we have “stuff”
with food, “stuff” around self-worth, “stuff” around being a people pleaser,
helper, rescuer. And frequently, it is all the same “stuff” and has roots inour childhood. (Stick with me, there is a serious and direct tie-in to
infidelity, I promise. Even if you are already great with your budget and
handling money).
Pre-D-Day, I had no idea what my financial situation was. My
then-husband was in charge of all the accounts, paid all the bills, we had no
budget. I just kinda guessed when it came to buying things the kids needed, groceries,
luxuries. My ex controlled all of that. I did not even have online access to
shared bank or credit card accounts. He would complain about it and any
overspending, but also not include me when I offered to sit with him while he
did bills (hello gaslighting!). In hindsight, this was just one symptom that
something was wrong with the marriage. I didn’t push to know more about our
money situation because our setup fit in with long-held beliefs about me
and money.
Those beliefs included:
- I am bad with money
- I can’t be trusted with money
- I can’t provide for myself
- I need to rely on someone else to provide enough for me to live on
- I don’t deserve to have enough
- I should be earning more
- I can’t earn more
- I don’t deserve what I have
- I can’t be trusted to make decisions about money
- If I am in charge of the money, we will all end up homeless and living out of my car
You can see that a) none of this is true, b) it is a lot of
catastrophic thinking and c) had a lot to do with how I did/not value
myself and my abilities.
Money Stories
We all have a set point when it comes to money, just like we
do with weight and it is hard to shift because our brains work really hard to
keep us there. Because that place is comfortable and familiar. It serves some
kind of emotional purpose, some kind of protection that we needed in childhood
but that no longer serves us as an adult.
A money set point can look like being stuck with earnings (I know, I
know there are so many societal forces, glass ceilings that are working against
us, but also, WE are working against us).
It can look like never having more than X dollars in savings. Something always
comes up or we find ways to spend it when we get close to that threshold and
start to get uncomfortable.
A lot of our stories about money are family stories about money.
My parents grew up on rations in WWII England. Growing up, we had plenty but
you would not have known it to look at us. Very frugal, my dad was still
wearing the same, well-cared for, polyester shirts from the 1970s well into the
1990s. Those two could really make things last. They purchased few
luxuries. Layer on that my mother’s own fears about being poor, having grown up
as a “charity girl” as she called herself and the shame around that, because
her house got blown up and her family lost everything, except each other (and civilians
could not claim “shell shock” – aka PTSD – in those days). As a child and teen, if I wanted
new clothes or the latest sneakers or Walkman, my mom would “sneak” me the
money from her business and admonish me not to tell my dad. The lesson there is
pretty obvious. My needs and wants are something to be ashamed of, there’s a
price for getting them met and I am not worth the price of a new shirt or jeans.
My Money Journey
Fast forward to three years ago. I am looking down the
barrel of separation and divorce and I am terrified. I need to come up with an
estimate of what my expenses will be so I can ask for that during the divorce
mediation proceedings. How was I gonna do that when I had no idea or access to
those bills? Luckily, while my husband was carrying on his affair in front of
my face, I had to take over a lot of the bill paying because he just stopped.
We were getting late payment notices and I had to do something. So I found the accounts. Started making
payments over the phone. Got access to
accounts. I went to the bank and set up my own, new checking and savings
accounts. And once I got online access to those, it included access to the
other accounts in my name, like the mortgage, joint checking etc. So I had a few months of data, from paying
all those bills that I could use to figure out what I might need in the event
the divorce went through (it did).
My sister showed me some Excel spreadsheet she made up and
used for her own budget and it was just not the right tool for me. It stressed
me out more. I went looking for a tool and found YNAB (You Need a Budget). It changed
everything. I knew what my money was doing. When money came in, I
allocated it to future expenses, created my own buckets to save for other
things we needed and for big expenses that come up a couple times a year (like
auto insurance). Those big expenses, when you’ve planned for them, don’t derail
your budget and life. It hooks up to bank accounts and credit cards, so you
never miss, or forget about something you’ve bought.
With the right budgeting tool, you can shift from panic and scarcity
to CHOICE. It meant that I could shift from being in panic mode about every
expense, every bill, every time my kids needed something or asked for something
to being, able to say “Hey, I can’t this month but we can plan and set money
aside and do it next month.” And there are no right or wrong money choices.
Just like food. Just like other places in life. You can choose what is right
for you and in alignment with your values and priorities. Having the right tool and the information it
provides empowers those choices.
That same information from my budgeting app allowed me to
look back over the last couple of years and see where we were spending (and
possibly overspending). I went through a budgeting class with some peers
recently. One woman discovered that she spent $9000 on clothes in a
year. $9000. She started to cry because she realized that buying clothes was
not about the clothes. It was wanting to feel better about how she looked. So
many times, our stuff about money and how we spend is not about money at all.
With that information she was able to look at her behavior and shift her
choices.
Turns out, I am pretty good with money after all. I plan, I
save and I make sure we still have room for fun. (That started with setting
aside a few dollars each month for ordering takeout with the kids and has
graduated to long-term savings for vacations because that is a priority for
me). My age of money is up over 45 days (once you are over 30 days you are no
longer living paycheck to paycheck). I pay my credit cards off every two weeks
because I am using them to buy things I ALREADY HAVE THE MONEY FOR. Managing my
money like a boss has been a huge confidence booster and one I really needed
post-betrayal. I’ve learned that saving and growing my money is not about
discipline and will-power. I don’t have to trick myself to do this. It is all
about the choices I make, my priorities and keeping in alignment with my
values. It is not effortless but it is
very, very satisfying for a woman who spent most of her life believing she was “bad”
with money.
Paying Attention to Money Post Betrayal
OK, here’s why I want you to pay attention to money after
betrayal.
- Whether your relationship ends or mends, you deserve to have access and insight to your family finances.
- Knowledge is power and you need some real source of feeling powerful right now.
- If you don’t feel confident about managing money, now is the time to learn.
- Stop living paycheck to paycheck (more people are than even realize).
- Pay off debt, so there is less threat hanging over your head in the event you separate.
- Understanding your monthly, quarterly and annual expenses is knowledge you can use in the event you have to negotiate for support money.
- Proactively planning with your money is a great job for your brain when it wants to stalk the OW online.
- Gaining control of your money lets you start digging into your money stories and how they stop you from getting ahead or feeling like you have enough or feeling like you can’t ask for or have what you need.
- Budgeting actual results in more freedom because – choices! And if you are working through things with your spouse, this activity can actually bring you closer together and help align your goals.
- If you stay with your partner, you will still be very likely to outlive him (or potentially her). Don’t wait until then to get an understanding of your financial picture.
- If you do not stay with your partner, you can’t get a handle on your finances soon enough.
- When so much of your life feels out of your control, having a clear picture of your financials can help you regain a sense of security. It removes a lot of uncertainty.
- Being a boss at money will help affirm the belief that no matter what, you will be OK.
- Planning and saving can help you shift from a mindset of fear to one of enoughness.
I know that is a lot to digest. But our attitudes, fears and
spending habits, tell us a lot about how we did or did not learn to value
ourselves as children. Our money stories are often our families’ money stories.
Learning that we can change our money stories and actually be a good at money
goes a long way to helping restore some balance to our disrupted lives. As a
start, I recommend going visiting YNAB and signing up for their newsletter.
Even those are incredibly insightful and fully digestible by regular humans.
Please note: I am a huge nerd for YNAB. It has literally
changed my life. The link above is NOT an affiliate link. I just want everyone
to be proactive and feel empowered about their money, especially when it can be
a source of so much fear. There are a lot of other budget tools out
there. None are quite like YNAB. They give you a 34-day free trial because that
gives most people enough time to get through two full pay cycles and see the
impact.
