Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Guest Post: Why Money Matters After Betrayal

by StillStanding1

I have been doing a lot of work around money. Really for the last 3+ years (not coincidentally the same time frame since I discovered my then-husband had been unfaithful), I have had to unravel the stories I was telling myself about money, capability and self-worth, gain some skills and, in some ways, finally graduate to adulthood.
Most of us have “stuff” with money, just like we have “stuff” with food, “stuff” around self-worth, “stuff” around being a people pleaser, helper, rescuer. And frequently, it is all the same “stuff” and has roots inour childhood. (Stick with me, there is a serious and direct tie-in to infidelity, I promise. Even if you are already great with your budget and handling money).
Pre-D-Day, I had no idea what my financial situation was. My then-husband was in charge of all the accounts, paid all the bills, we had no budget. I just kinda guessed when it came to buying things the kids needed, groceries, luxuries. My ex controlled all of that. I did not even have online access to shared bank or credit card accounts. He would complain about it and any overspending, but also not include me when I offered to sit with him while he did bills (hello gaslighting!). In hindsight, this was just one symptom that something was wrong with the marriage. I didn’t push to know more about our money situation because our setup fit in with long-held beliefs about me and money.

Those beliefs included:
  •        I am bad with money
  •        I can’t be trusted with money
  •        I can’t provide for myself
  •        I need to rely on someone else to provide enough for me to live on
  •        I don’t deserve to have enough
  •        I should be earning more
  •        I can’t earn more
  •        I don’t deserve what I have
  •        I can’t be trusted to make decisions about money
  •     If I am in charge of the money, we will all end up homeless and living out of my car


You can see that a) none of this is true, b) it is a lot of catastrophic thinking and c) had a lot to do with how I did/not value myself and my abilities.

Money Stories
We all have a set point when it comes to money, just like we do with weight and it is hard to shift because our brains work really hard to keep us there. Because that place is comfortable and familiar. It serves some kind of emotional purpose, some kind of protection that we needed in childhood but that no longer serves us as an adult.  A money set point can look like being stuck with earnings (I know, I know there are so many societal forces, glass ceilings that are working against us, but also, WE are working against us).  It can look like never having more than X dollars in savings. Something always comes up or we find ways to spend it when we get close to that threshold and start to get uncomfortable.
A lot of our stories about money are family stories about money. My parents grew up on rations in WWII England. Growing up, we had plenty but you would not have known it to look at us. Very frugal, my dad was still wearing the same, well-cared for, polyester shirts from the 1970s well into the 1990s. Those two could really make things last. They purchased few luxuries. Layer on that my mother’s own fears about being poor, having grown up as a “charity girl” as she called herself and the shame around that, because her house got blown up and her family lost everything, except each other (and civilians could not claim “shell shock” – aka PTSD – in those days).  As a child and teen, if I wanted new clothes or the latest sneakers or Walkman, my mom would “sneak” me the money from her business and admonish me not to tell my dad. The lesson there is pretty obvious. My needs and wants are something to be ashamed of, there’s a price for getting them met and I am not worth the price of a new shirt or jeans.

My Money Journey
Fast forward to three years ago. I am looking down the barrel of separation and divorce and I am terrified. I need to come up with an estimate of what my expenses will be so I can ask for that during the divorce mediation proceedings. How was I gonna do that when I had no idea or access to those bills? Luckily, while my husband was carrying on his affair in front of my face, I had to take over a lot of the bill paying because he just stopped. We were getting late payment notices and I had to do something. So I found the accounts. Started making payments over the phone. Got access to accounts. I went to the bank and set up my own, new checking and savings accounts. And once I got online access to those, it included access to the other accounts in my name, like the mortgage, joint checking etc. So I had a few months of data, from paying all those bills that I could use to figure out what I might need in the event the divorce went through (it did).
My sister showed me some Excel spreadsheet she made up and used for her own budget and it was just not the right tool for me. It stressed me out more. I went looking for a tool and found YNAB (You Need a Budget). It changed everything. I knew what my money was doing. When money came in, I allocated it to future expenses, created my own buckets to save for other things we needed and for big expenses that come up a couple times a year (like auto insurance). Those big expenses, when you’ve planned for them, don’t derail your budget and life. It hooks up to bank accounts and credit cards, so you never miss, or forget about something you’ve bought. 
With the right budgeting tool, you can shift from panic and scarcity to CHOICE. It meant that I could shift from being in panic mode about every expense, every bill, every time my kids needed something or asked for something to being, able to say “Hey, I can’t this month but we can plan and set money aside and do it next month.” And there are no right or wrong money choices. Just like food. Just like other places in life. You can choose what is right for you and in alignment with your values and priorities. Having the right tool and the information it provides empowers those choices.
That same information from my budgeting app allowed me to look back over the last couple of years and see where we were spending (and possibly overspending). I went through a budgeting class with some peers recently. One woman discovered that she spent $9000 on clothes in a year. $9000. She started to cry because she realized that buying clothes was not about the clothes. It was wanting to feel better about how she looked. So many times, our stuff about money and how we spend is not about money at all. With that information she was able to look at her behavior and shift her choices.
Turns out, I am pretty good with money after all. I plan, I save and I make sure we still have room for fun. (That started with setting aside a few dollars each month for ordering takeout with the kids and has graduated to long-term savings for vacations because that is a priority for me). My age of money is up over 45 days (once you are over 30 days you are no longer living paycheck to paycheck). I pay my credit cards off every two weeks because I am using them to buy things I ALREADY HAVE THE MONEY FOR. Managing my money like a boss has been a huge confidence booster and one I really needed post-betrayal. I’ve learned that saving and growing my money is not about discipline and will-power. I don’t have to trick myself to do this. It is all about the choices I make, my priorities and keeping in alignment with my values. It is not effortless but it is very, very satisfying for a woman who spent most of her life believing she was “bad” with money.

Paying Attention to Money Post Betrayal
OK, here’s why I want you to pay attention to money after betrayal.
  •  Whether your relationship ends or mends, you deserve to have access and insight to your family finances.
  •  Knowledge is power and you need some real source of feeling powerful right now.
  •  If you don’t feel confident about managing money, now is the time to learn.
  •  Stop living paycheck to paycheck (more people are than even realize).
  • Pay off debt, so there is less threat hanging over your head in the event you separate.
  • Understanding your monthly, quarterly and annual expenses is knowledge you can use in the event you have to negotiate for support money.
  •  Proactively planning with your money is a great job for your brain when it wants to stalk the OW online.
  • Gaining control of your money lets you start digging into your money stories and how they stop you from getting ahead or feeling like you have enough or feeling like you can’t ask for or have what you need.
  •  Budgeting actual results in more freedom because – choices! And if you are working through things with your spouse, this activity can actually bring you closer together and help align your goals.
  • If you stay with your partner, you will still be very likely to outlive him (or potentially her). Don’t wait until then to get an understanding of your financial picture.
  • If you do not stay with your partner, you can’t get a handle on your finances soon enough.
  • When so much of your life feels out of your control, having a clear picture of your financials can help you regain a sense of security. It removes a lot of uncertainty.
  • Being a boss at money will help affirm the belief that no matter what, you will be OK.
  •  Planning and saving can help you shift from a mindset of fear to one of enoughness.


I know that is a lot to digest. But our attitudes, fears and spending habits, tell us a lot about how we did or did not learn to value ourselves as children. Our money stories are often our families’ money stories. Learning that we can change our money stories and actually be a good at money goes a long way to helping restore some balance to our disrupted lives. As a start, I recommend going visiting YNAB and signing up for their newsletter. Even those are incredibly insightful and fully digestible by regular humans.

Please note: I am a huge nerd for YNAB. It has literally changed my life. The link above is NOT an affiliate link. I just want everyone to be proactive and feel empowered about their money, especially when it can be a source of so much fear. There are a lot of other budget tools out there. None are quite like YNAB. They give you a 34-day free trial because that gives most people enough time to get through two full pay cycles and see the impact.

8 comments:

  1. Thanks for this SS1- it is never too early for women to learn about their own economic destiny and the freedom that comes from taking control of it. In some ways I was lucky for my early upbringing- my mother worked to support our family throughout my father's medical education and training, so I was used to the idea that working mothers can mother and that being in daycare can be a positive if a child has the right situation. I knew even as a young teen that I wanted to always be able to support myself and any children I had all on my own. After my father had his own exit affair, my mother went back to work at 60 and I saw how grateful she was for having a profession she could rejoin. And after my own DDay, I was so thankful that I had continued working through my mothering years. I knew that I could continue on with the support of my friends and colleagues, and the distraction was so important for me. Finally, one big piece of my recovery has been that I insisted and received a post-nuptial agreement with my H, transferring a large sum of cash to me as my separate property. After what he put me through, I felt as if I needed to know that I would have more than the basics I was entitled to, and I wanted him to understand that reconciliation would be on my terms, as would my economic future. My three daughters have seen all of this and understand how important being cognizant of their economic independence is. I may have f@#ked up all kinds of other stuff in my life, but at least the money piece is in order.

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    Replies
    1. Hey Loner, how goes it? I love what you have to say about your mom going back to work at 60. I think that is important for everyone on here to see. Because buried in my post above is the idea that it is never, never, ever too late to get control of your finances. And I don't mean going out and suddenly earning six figures out of nowhere. I mean starting where you are and doing one thing to make a change and start claiming the economic power that is in each of us and the ability to provide for ourselves. I feel like I have come to this in the middle of my life, but I think it is significant for me, and as you say, for both my children to see me calmly in charge of our money and making responsible choices but not from a place of fear and shortage.

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  2. pt 1/2 (from Gabby)
    Very timely and appropriate SS1
    As I find myself now single after my ex not only lied and cheated, but abused me financially and emotionally. This is extremely overwhelming and taking a different toll on my health and mental well being.
    You are so right money follows family lines. My ex and I are 2 worlds apart when it comes to finances. He came from a family that had money, had no filter, lost it all and was terribly irresponsible with money.
    I came from a family of budget, not much money and pay debts before self indulgence.
    When we first married, I had more money than him and have always been good with money - never overspending on myself or the kids etc.
    (RED FLAG). Despite ex having a better paying job than me, he was always terrible with finances. (RED FLAG) I paid for our wedding, an overseas holiday for him whilst dating...
    His parents are not good role models on so many levels and their "expectant" help from their children to fund their lifestyle caused many an argument between my husband and me. His parents were given many a holiday at our expense, and expected financial help, even when we had our own family on one wage and doing it hard at times. His useless father complained once that we don't help out as much as we used to!!! WTF?? I snapped back "we have our own family now that we need to look after".
    I really think my ex "ran away" from the financial mess he put us in because he can't deal with the fact he fucked up in so many ways....just like his father. I have told my children "the cycle stops here with you. You are not to end up like your father or grandfather" Hopefully they will see what it has done and will take note.
    I too SS1 let my ex take over the finances, well I didn't really have a choice as he insisted being the business man he knew what he was doing and I was told on many occasions that I have no idea with money or what's best. Turns out this putting down of me was to have complete control over me was to hide the fact he was spending out of control and I was not privy to a whole lot of his decisions. I was never told the truth on a whole lot of financial things about him -his wage etc. So now I find myself having to sell because he let the mortgage go!
    My ex earns very good money and I know he will be a very wealthy man in the future, but he doesn't give a shit about all the help I have given his family, or the fact I never overspent. He promised me and our children we would get to keep the house and he'd look after us. More lies from him!! I can not do it on my own. This was a marriage a joint partnership in life. I lived up to my side of this by being a good mom and supportive wife. He let us down on too many occasions. We now have to sell to pay off all his debts from the marriage, and that includes all he spent on his whores!!! Yes I'm effing mad. So whilst he will be free of debt and earning a fortune, the children and I have no where to move to and the financial settlement does not favour me and the children.
    It's bad enough to be betrayed time and time again, but to then be abused emotionally and financially is just more stabs to the heart.

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  3. pt 2/2 Gabby
    Thanks for the tip on the budget app SS1.
    People keep telling me I will get through this. I honestly can't see myself getting through this. I will now have to rent for the rest of my life. All my security that I thought was going to be for me and my kids is gone. I am stuck in a rut of financial depression. To get a better job I have to study which costs money and time which I don't have. I can't take time off work as I won't get paid. I am exhausted after work. Exhausted to the point I just go about life and do the essentials - look after kids, pets - not much for me. I know my health is suffering. The constant worry of will there be enough to have food on the table, pay for utilities. I don't sleep, I feel anxious and sick most of the time. So betrayal does more than break your heart. When the ex leaves you for someone else and when your ex fucks you over financially. How in the hell do you get back from that at this age? The law is so wrong for breakdown of marriages. There should be fault. There should be constant ongoing support from the ex who caused all this. If this happened in business, he would be sued and possibly jailed, yet he gets away with it because it is "personal. Has nothing to do with me" attitude. Well society. It has everything to do with you. We are a society and the breakdown of the families is such a reflection of the way our society is heading. And. You society have to pay more taxes to support us wives and children who need government assistance/welfare because our exes get away with walking out and not being responsible financially for us.
    My ex is conniving. His current whore has no children and is financially well off so he can sponge off her. So it seems his cycle is continuing as I know they go out for expensive meals and are always travelling overseas and interstate. He still has no financial filter. He feels entitled to live this lifestyle.
    Please please. Anyone going through this, if you are worried about your finances - be worried. Even if you have made the decision to work on your marriage and stay, PLEASE if you can put money away TODAY without your husband knowing. This is for you and your children. He lied and cheated without your knowing to the detriment of the marriage and family. You are not doing anything wrong but potentially protecting your livelihood for yourself and your children. We need money to survive.
    I desperately need tips on survival from people who have gone through this and have been left with nothing. Sisters any tips. Financial advisers have been- not very helpful- when you have nothing
    Hugs
    Gabby xo

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    1. Gabby, I'm so sorry. There's just so much here that you are dealing with. And the money manipulation from your ex is another even deeper dimension to this betrayal that you have gone through. I can't say or do anything to take that pain away. Just know that I am here with you and yes, it is devastating and overwhelming.
      Gabby I don't totally understand your situation. Are you getting no child support from this man? Do you have legal representation? If you are the dependent spouse, then legally you are also entitled to financial support in the form of spouse maintenance of some kind for a set number of years. And if he was not paying the mortgage while you were married, he is jointly responsible for righting that debt.
      I am looking at his family story with money and how his parents expected handouts from you and that is flat out crazy. I am looking at his money stuff that you have shared and I know it looks like he is riding off into the sunset on a pile of cash. But I'd wager it is not so rosy as you think. Or at least not end up that way. You've noted that he overspends, is impulsive, is bad with money and has set himself up with another woman who is footing the bill. Chances are he is going to end up with debt up to his eyeballs and flailing to fix it by running away again. You are so much better off without this man and his imaginary piles of money.
      Gabby you've said in other posts that your health is suffering. What small step can you take to make space and time for yourself. Can you fit a 30 minute walk in at lunch? Just go outside and breath. Can you make an appointment with yourself just once a week where you prioritize your care? I feel like you are so busy doing and feel so scarce on everything you aren't taking even the smallest time for you. No wonder you are exhausted. Can you get your kids to help more with pets and home? Are you seeing a therapist? If not find one that works on a sliding scale that you can afford. Very often churches offer this service. This would be a huge investment in yourself Gabby.
      I hear you on the vicious cycle of needing to go to school to be able to earn more money and not being able to take off work and being to tired to take on anything else. So first, not knowing the kind of work that you do, does the company you work for offer tuition assistance? Some employers offer some programs where they help pay for your tuition in exchange for you agreeing to work there for a set amount of time after graduation. Have you looked into scholarships? There is money out there for women as adult learners returning to school. There are websites that help you find and connect to those opportunities. Another option is to simply look for a higher paying job. I know a job search is a ton of work, but it can get you a raise simply by giving you leverage with your current employer.
      And if you are worried about getting food on the table and covering utilities, there must be government programs to make sure you have some help with these things. Have you applied for these types of assistance?
      As far as tips for surviving, I'd say get right back to the beginning of this post and give that budgeting app a try. Really get a sense of your money and where it is going and you can proactively plan with what you have instead of reacting to what comes up. Please start there. It is one small step. I'd also apply for every form of assistance available through government, churches, scholarships, everything. Start a go fund me. Just take one step in a new direction. I know you feel really stuck. Really trapped and that is why I am saying just change one thing. Just trying one thing different can help you get unstuck.
      I'm sorry this is so hard Gabby. XOXO

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  4. StillStanding1, this is one of the best posts I've ever seen on any recovery site. You are spot-on in your advice to understand and take part in ones finances. This post, in my opinion, has very little to do with infidelity, or whether a partner chooses to stay in the relationship or leave. It is about intentionality, maturity, and one of life's realities.

    Throw in "managing my money like a boss" and it is personal, empowering, and inspirational. I've never thought much about my money issues - I can now see a definite link to the scarcity when I was growing up and how my parents handled their finances.

    I read but rarely comment - this is one of your best, SS1. Thank you.

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  5. HeartInFlight thank you. You are right in that this money stuff is not just about infidelity. I think infidelity only highlighted the incredible importance of having a clear money picture and managing it with intention. I hate to be one of those people, but infidelity while awful, has netted me a number of gifts, not the least of which is the realization that I am the only one in charge of my destiny and that means taking charge of my money and other areas of my life. I want that for everyone.

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  6. For people who want to learn more about YNAB and becoming a boss at money please check out https://lynnesomerman.com/ She is a genius at YNAB and figuring out your stuff with money. She is currently running a free 5 day challenge to help you get clarity on your money situation. Its really easy. and no obligation. I had a 45 minute consult with her about how I was budgeting using YNAB after 3 years and she still had major insights for me. She IS NOT a financial advisor. You don't need to have piles of money to take her advice. This is your money bosshood waiting to happen. She also has a bunch of really great and fun video content. Do yourself a favor and visit her site.
    I'm also recommending Shannon Egan for money mindset stuff. She's the source for the money set point and family stuff I touch on above. Her site is https://www.ishikinsights.com/ and although she focuses on businesses, her free money mindset journal is worth having.
    That's it for now my loves! Please take care of yourselves and do start digging into your money stuff! If anyone is trying the app or just has questions about any of this, please ask here in the comments. (Or about anything else for that matter). xoxo

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