Guest Post: Why Money Matters After Betrayal

by StillStanding1

I have been doing a lot of work around money. Really for the last 3+ years (not coincidentally the same time frame since I discovered my then-husband had been unfaithful), I have had to unravel the stories I was telling myself about money, capability and self-worth, gain some skills and, in some ways, finally graduate to adulthood.

Most of us have “stuff” with money, just like we have “stuff” with food, “stuff” around self-worth, “stuff” around being a people pleaser, helper, rescuer. And frequently, it is all the same “stuff” and has roots inour childhood. (Stick with me, there is a serious and direct tie-in to infidelity, I promise. Even if you are already great with your budget and handling money).

Pre-D-Day, I had no idea what my financial situation was. My then-husband was in charge of all the accounts, paid all the bills, we had no budget. I just kinda guessed when it came to buying things the kids needed, groceries, luxuries. My ex controlled all of that. I did not even have online access to shared bank or credit card accounts. He would complain about it and any overspending, but also not include me when I offered to sit with him while he did bills (hello gaslighting!). In hindsight, this was just one symptom that something was wrong with the marriage. I didn’t push to know more about our money situation because our setup fit in with long-held beliefs about me and money.

Those beliefs included:

•        I am bad with money
•        I can’t be trusted with money
•        I can’t provide for myself
•        I need to rely on someone else to provide enough for me to live on
•        I don’t deserve to have enough
•        I should be earning more
•        I can’t earn more
•        I don’t deserve what I have
•        I can’t be trusted to make decisions about money
•     If I am in charge of the money, we will all end up homeless and living out of my car

You can see that a) none of this is true, b) it is a lot of catastrophic thinking and c) had a lot to do with how I did/not value myself and my abilities.

Money Stories

We all have a set point when it comes to money, just like we do with weight and it is hard to shift because our brains work really hard to keep us there. Because that place is comfortable and familiar. It serves some kind of emotional purpose, some kind of protection that we needed in childhood but that no longer serves us as an adult.  A money set point can look like being stuck with earnings (I know, I know there are so many societal forces, glass ceilings that are working against us, but also, WE are working against us).  It can look like never having more than X dollars in savings. Something always comes up or we find ways to spend it when we get close to that threshold and start to get uncomfortable.

A lot of our stories about money are family stories about money. My parents grew up on rations in WWII England. Growing up, we had plenty but you would not have known it to look at us. Very frugal, my dad was still wearing the same, well-cared for, polyester shirts from the 1970s well into the 1990s. Those two could really make things last. They purchased few luxuries. Layer on that my mother’s own fears about being poor, having grown up as a “charity girl” as she called herself and the shame around that, because her house got blown up and her family lost everything, except each other (and civilians could not claim “shell shock” – aka PTSD – in those days).  As a child and teen, if I wanted new clothes or the latest sneakers or Walkman, my mom would “sneak” me the money from her business and admonish me not to tell my dad. The lesson there is pretty obvious. My needs and wants are something to be ashamed of, there’s a price for getting them met and I am not worth the price of a new shirt or jeans.

My Money Journey

Fast forward to three years ago. I am looking down the barrel of separation and divorce and I am terrified. I need to come up with an estimate of what my expenses will be so I can ask for that during the divorce mediation proceedings. How was I gonna do that when I had no idea or access to those bills? Luckily, while my husband was carrying on his affair in front of my face, I had to take over a lot of the bill paying because he just stopped. We were getting late payment notices and I had to do something. So I found the accounts. Started making payments over the phone. Got access to accounts. I went to the bank and set up my own, new checking and savings accounts. And once I got online access to those, it included access to the other accounts in my name, like the mortgage, joint checking etc. So I had a few months of data, from paying all those bills that I could use to figure out what I might need in the event the divorce went through (it did).

My sister showed me some Excel spreadsheet she made up and used for her own budget and it was just not the right tool for me. It stressed me out more. I went looking for a tool and found YNAB (You Need a Budget). It changed everything. I knew what my money was doing. When money came in, I allocated it to future expenses, created my own buckets to save for other things we needed and for big expenses that come up a couple times a year (like auto insurance). Those big expenses, when you’ve planned for them, don’t derail your budget and life. It hooks up to bank accounts and credit cards, so you never miss, or forget about something you’ve bought. 

With the right budgeting tool, you can shift from panic and scarcity to CHOICE. It meant that I could shift from being in panic mode about every expense, every bill, every time my kids needed something or asked for something to being, able to say “Hey, I can’t this month but we can plan and set money aside and do it next month.” And there are no right or wrong money choices. Just like food. Just like other places in life. You can choose what is right for you and in alignment with your values and priorities. Having the right tool and the information it provides empowers those choices.

That same information from my budgeting app allowed me to look back over the last couple of years and see where we were spending (and possibly overspending). I went through a budgeting class with some peers recently. One woman discovered that she spent $9000 on clothes in a year. $9000. She started to cry because she realized that buying clothes was not about the clothes. It was wanting to feel better about how she looked. So many times, our stuff about money and how we spend is not about money at all. With that information she was able to look at her behavior and shift her choices.

Turns out, I am pretty good with money after all. I plan, I save and I make sure we still have room for fun. (That started with setting aside a few dollars each month for ordering takeout with the kids and has graduated to long-term savings for vacations because that is a priority for me). My age of money is up over 45 days (once you are over 30 days you are no longer living paycheck to paycheck). I pay my credit cards off every two weeks because I am using them to buy things I ALREADY HAVE THE MONEY FOR. Managing my money like a boss has been a huge confidence booster and one I really needed post-betrayal. I’ve learned that saving and growing my money is not about discipline and will-power. I don’t have to trick myself to do this. It is all about the choices I make, my priorities and keeping in alignment with my values. It is not effortless but it is very, very satisfying for a woman who spent most of her life believing she was “bad” with money.

Paying Attention to Money Post Betrayal

OK, here’s why I want you to pay attention to money after betrayal.

•  Whether your relationship ends or mends, you deserve to have access and insight to your family finances.
•  Knowledge is power and you need some real source of feeling powerful right now.
•  If you don’t feel confident about managing money, now is the time to learn.
•  Stop living paycheck to paycheck (more people are than even realize).
• Pay off debt, so there is less threat hanging over your head in the event you separate.
• Understanding your monthly, quarterly and annual expenses is knowledge you can use in the event you have to negotiate for support money.
•  Proactively planning with your money is a great job for your brain when it wants to stalk the OW online.
• Gaining control of your money lets you start digging into your money stories and how they stop you from getting ahead or feeling like you have enough or feeling like you can’t ask for or have what you need.
•  Budgeting actual results in more freedom because – choices! And if you are working through things with your spouse, this activity can actually bring you closer together and help align your goals.
• If you stay with your partner, you will still be very likely to outlive him (or potentially her). Don’t wait until then to get an understanding of your financial picture.
• If you do not stay with your partner, you can’t get a handle on your finances soon enough.
• When so much of your life feels out of your control, having a clear picture of your financials can help you regain a sense of security. It removes a lot of uncertainty.
• Being a boss at money will help affirm the belief that no matter what, you will be OK.
•  Planning and saving can help you shift from a mindset of fear to one of enoughness.

I know that is a lot to digest. But our attitudes, fears and spending habits, tell us a lot about how we did or did not learn to value ourselves as children. Our money stories are often our families’ money stories. Learning that we can change our money stories and actually be a good at money goes a long way to helping restore some balance to our disrupted lives. As a start, I recommend going visiting YNAB and signing up for their newsletter. Even those are incredibly insightful and fully digestible by regular humans.

Please note: I am a huge nerd for YNAB. It has literally changed my life. The link above is NOT an affiliate link. I just want everyone to be proactive and feel empowered about their money, especially when it can be a source of so much fear. There are a lot of other budget tools out there. None are quite like YNAB. They give you a 34-day free trial because that gives most people enough time to get through two full pay cycles and see the impact.