Monday, August 6, 2018

Beginning Again

There are no endings. If you think so you are deceived as to their nature. They are all beginnings. Here is one.
~Hilary Mantel


There are a lot of you mourning the "end" of something right now. I've read posts about children who are no longer (young) children. Husbands who will no longer be husbands. And you, who will no longer be wives to those husbands. Homes left. Friendships severed. Jobs lost.
It's easy to focus on the empty space where something was. The empty chair at the dinner table. The empty spot on the calendar. The empty bedroom where a teen used to sleep to noon. 
It's important to mourn those endings, those losses. It's necessary, always, to grieve. 
Our culture often ignores this and, too often, we succumb to pressure to get past something we're just not ready to get past. I don't think grieving can be rushed, nor should it be. 
But grief isn't just about endings. Endings aren't just about endings. The end of anything always always means the beginning of something else. And even if that beginning isn't something you might have chosen – life as a single mom, for instance – that doesn't mean that within that beginning isn't still the possibility of adventure. 
I've been thinking about this lately as my daughter begins an internship at a theatre company in the costume department. It has meant giving up a month of do-nothing summer time. And she's an introvert by nature so it has also meant giving up the comfort of days alone.
So it has been with some angst that she has embarked on this opportunity. But from my perch, four decades her senior, I can see the adventure, the possibility, the promise. She sees only the anxiety, the discomfort, the lost time. 
And that's the thing, isn't it? When we're mourning the end of something, it's hard to see any promise in the beginning of something else. We believe the stories we tell ourselves. We'll always be alone. We failed. We gave up our chance to have the "perfect life", as one commenter put it.
Nonsense, I say. If we could be so wrong about how our lives were going to turn out thus far, isn't it possible that we're completely wrong in all these predictions of doom? Why do we assume we're right in our assumptions of misery but wrong in any expectation of joy? 
Whatever your new beginning is, I wish for you the chance to see it as holding promise. Promise of a better marriage, perhaps. Promise of new boundaries. Promise of rediscovering  yourself. 
There are no endings, says author Hilary Mantel. I don't entirely agree. Of course there are endings. But what I think she's really reminding us is that within every ending is a beginning if we can only shift our gaze to notice it. 


26 comments:

  1. I’m loving this Elle, just what I needed today after a sad miserable day I had yesterday, exactly like you mentioned feeling old, not having a companion (male) in my life, nlittle money and 4 weeks left of summer holidays. The list goes on but today I’m better I’m ready for the adventure the new beginning as you say.. mount snowden awaits me this week this is going to be so challenging for me on so many levels, leaving my kids and facing my fears and I’m so ready for it.. I think the break will do me so much good. And like I said when I make it to the top of mount snowden I’m going topless : ) for the pictures lol.. hope you ladies have a fab Monday love you all lots xx

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    1. Hope it's a warm day when you reach the summit, Sam A! Enjoy the climb!

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    2. Hi Sam A
      Nothing better than hiking amongst the mountains, connecting with nature and being with women friends. Great therapy. It will feel strange leaving your kids so I just hope you can enjoy your week away. Have fun and look forward to hearing all about it.
      Hugs
      Gabby xo

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    3. Thanks gabby and selkie, I’ll fill you in when I get back : ) xx

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    4. Sam A,
      That's so awesome. And what a great metaphor for your life right now. Facing the obstacle and overcoming. Triumphing at the top and doing it completely tapping into your own power. Yay you!!

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  2. Today I had come across a memory on Facebook where the OW had posted on it. I was so surprised that I didn't have the reaction I would have had 6 months ago. I didn't get that pit in my stomach and it felt good. No triggers no nothing. I guess this would be considered a new beginning.

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    1. Absolutely. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago and went to mention the OW and I couldn't remember her name. Took me about a minute before it came to me. I always thought it would be seared in my brain. But...nope. She's just somebody I used to know.

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  3. This is the perfect reminder for me today! I will keep coming back to this. I now why I feel this way since it can feel scary. But if I live in the moment, let go and enjoy myself I am happier. My husband and I both wish we could change the past but that is not possible. It is a constant battle for me to not focus on what has been or what might be. Thank you so much and also a good reminder with kids, career etc.

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    1. Hopeful30,
      Buddhists and other mindfulness types insist that we can only ever be at peace when we're in the moment. The rest is nostalgia or dress rehearsal. I, too, am able to let go when I can just enjoy the right now.

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  4. Once again, Elle, your words provide hope and comfort. My "new beginning" is a bit different right now. My husband and I are still married and he is still working with the former OW. Not ideal by any means. I know this to be true...in my heart, my gut and from what I read here. But I am also choosing to not let it be the end. We are 2 and a half years past dday, but honestly, in the past week, I feel like we have been more open and honest than we have maybe the whole time. About a week ago we had a painful but very honest discussion. I feel that we were both more honest than we had been in a long time. It was painful, it was uncomfortable but it was also healing. I sensed it from both of us. And in the days that followed I feel we have been more open all around. More forgiving of each other, more patient, and more open.

    I was trying to find a way to summarize what I have been feeling. I am anxious - they are teachers, so it is the start of school and an anxious time for me. But today - I feel more peace than I have in a while because we were finally honest and open. The old me looks at my anxiety and tells me "DO NOT TRUST." The the me of today, the me who wants to get better at self care, the me who wants to keep my heart open to forgiveness and trust (daily choices), the me who wants to let the anxiety go says "take a breath and choose to trust. Choose to live in today. It's okay to just focus on today."

    After reading your message here, I feel like I can choose to see this as a new beginning of sorts. I don't know what tomorrow, next week, next year will bring. Just because I think doom doesn't mean it will be doom. Just because in the past it was painful doesn't mean the future will be painful. As I have done more self-care, and working on loving ME for ME, this is getting easier because in my heart I know that no matter what I will be okay.

    Thank you for helping me embrace my story. Again.

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    1. Jules, this is really amazing and I hope you're able to really recognize just how far you've come (and how much work you've done) to get to this place. None of us ever knows what's coming. And the sooner we can learn to trust ourselves to manage whatever's coming our way (good or bad), the sooner we can begin to enjoy life again.
      Sounds like the conversation with your husband was truly a new beginning in your relationship.

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  5. There are new beginnings, of this do I believe. I do mourn the loss of the ideal life that I thought I had. I know now that was wasn't ideal and it was full of shit on both sides. I struggle to maintain control and composure when triggered ; my D-day was 2.5 years ago. I am not a violent person, threw a saucer over his head and it shattered on the kitchen wall the day that he told me. I also threw a duffle bag and told him to pack. We are still together and both of us have done lots of work in therapy and we are in a very good place. Healthy or not I Have been eliminating things in my life/home that cause triggers. For example , when he was having his affair he became so paranoid over money, didn't want to spend a dime on anything. We needed a new printer. Our printer was old and un-reliable. I wanted a printer just like the one I had at work. I knew how to work it. I new all it's bells and whistles.....but nooo… he brought a printer that was $15.00 cheaper. I hated that printer with a passion. After D-day I brought another printer, the next model of the one I wanted. (Mine was no longer available)This printer sucks. If we had just gotten the one I want when I wanted it! So today when it started acting up I smashed that replacement printer to bits. I screamed and sobbed and left out 2.5 years of built up frustration , anger and grief. It felt so fu@#ing good. I have been angry and I have sobbed an oceanful of tears but I have never destroyed anything like that before. Probably won't again but it felt so good. Wanted to tell someone but my friends who know nothing of the affair would think I have gone off the deep end . I feel safe here and I thought you might understand. Thanks for letting me vent :)

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    1. Gage, Way to go, Printer Murderer! That printer deserved to die a slow painful death for all the pain it triggered on a daily basis. Good riddance to it.
      Seriously, I think that's a really important thing. What that printer was telling you, every single day, was that your needs/wants didn't matter as much as his needs/wants. And that's not okay. It's one thing to compromise. It's quite another to get bulldozed. So glad you took back your power. No wonder if felt so good.

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    2. Elle,you made me Lol...I was bulldozed for a long time...no more.The disclosure of his affair forced me to take a hard look at myself.I can survive without him if I have to and knowing that is very empowering.P.S. The printer is still in a broken heap on my family room floor. My husband offered to clean it up but I think that I will leave it there for a few days ;)

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  6. We call our new beginning the next chapter in our book of life! While we acknowledge that our book has a few sad chapters, we believe that the best is yet to come...

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    1. Theresa,
      Such a great philosophy. And true. Betrayal is a part of our story but it doesn't need to be the whole book.

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  7. Healing in ProgressAugust 8, 2018 at 2:28 AM

    Thank you for this reminder Elle. It’s beautiful, and gives me a more positive way to look at things...when it’s so easy to focus on all the bad that happened.

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  8. I absolutely love this post, it is so uplifting, so relevant. The sunflower gives me hope and a smile. The analogy with your daughter is so true but not easy to do close to DDay when you are left with nothing but empty hands. All you can look at is the empty hands. You have the proof you need - you were not enough in any of the areas that count for you. When you talk about doomed and predictions. I would never have predicted that I would pass my nursing boards (family encouragement was you can't even put on a band-aid) I could have doomed myself then but I didn't listen to them. I would never predicted I would work for a law firm. (I told myself your not smart enough, these guys are brilliant) I didn't listen to myself but jumped right in there. You are right I didn't look at where I was but I looked beyond my situation. Unlike you I don't believe in promises anymore but if I didn't like whatever pile of shit I was sitting in, it finally stank enough for me to get up and move forward. I didn't know what would happen, I might fail, I might succeed but I just knew I wanted to try. Your right Elle, there can be more than one ending. I think many of us "old timers" might talk beyond those who can't understand what we are really trying to say. But it did given me a glimmer of what it takes to try to get out of a mess. My point for those new to the affair planet is you don't have to sit in that pile of shit that was thrown at you. At first you can't believe he actually threw shit at you enough so you couldn't see beyond anything else. Just take 10 minutes, and look over that pile of shit that isn't yours, it is his. He crapped in his bowl of Cheerios, you didn't. That is first. Do what Elle says - think of you and something in the future that YOU like. You don't know how things will turn out but just stand up. Take one tiny step, just your foot. Think about that one step, that he doesn't own, doesn't deserve or appreciate your tiny steps. All he knows is how to step in shit then throw it on you like it your fault. It is not and there is so much more to your life than you can see right now but like Elle say you have to look. It doesn't matter if it is with him or without him. It is just you and always has been. My heart burns today for all those wonderful women who are so close to D day. Good thoughts of - your are enough no matter how much shit was thrown at you. You will learn it all going down the same road it is just a matter of how far one drives.

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    1. LLP,
      Your analogies/metaphors always make me laugh. And thanks for passing along your wisdom to the newcomers here. We all know how awful those early days/weeks/months are. But, believe it or not, you will laugh again. Probably at something LLP says. 😘

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    2. You are sooo right, LLP. Perspective really does change and it is REALLY good to rise up above all the bad-smelling stuff and breathe fresh air again.

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  9. Are there any new beginnings? I have been lurking on this site for a few months now, and it has been helpful, but it has also been terrifying. It seems that everywhere I turn I see evidence that this will never be done. My husband and I have, I think, figured out where it came from (although not, as a post on here suggested, exactly how he gave himself permission to go forward). He does almost everything he can, maybe everything (I am not sure how much the dishonesty I still sense is paranoia, and how much is my husband lying to himself, which he is working on in personal and marriage counseling). We have children. He is so helpful, and he always has been. I still love him, although I'm not always sure why. I am staying. I can imagine this turning into a better relationship than we ever had before.

    But I still get triggered. I cry every night. I don't feel safe with him. I don't feel supported. I see him working to become a different man, but I don't see myself believing that he ever will. Even if he did, how would I believe him? He lied so thoroughly, for so long. There was not an area that was safe from it. There was nothing he would not say.

    Will it ever be new? Will I ever be able to leave this behind me? I want to stay but not if his face is always a reminder of this cruelty, and weakness. I have not seen a comment on this blog that it is *over*, in the mind of the betrayed spouse, that it has been *left behind.* I want to stay but it isn't worth it if I will be drawn back here for the rest of our lives. Hasn't anyone put it behind them, and actually had something *new*, removed from the marriage he killed?

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    1. Anonymous,
      I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I'm not sure how long ago your D-Day was but I suspect that what you're seeing here are others like you who are still struggling to get to some solid ground. You're not reading too much about those who are past this or have put it behind them because, frankly, they don't need to be here. They're on some home decorating site, or binge watching Netflix.
      I can tell you that I am well and truly past this and have been for many years. I continue to maintain this site because every time I think about leaving it behind, I feel guilty about those of you desperate for support and compassion and remember why I created this in the first place.
      It sounds as though you're still dealing with the trauma of the betrayal. It's "normal" to cry and be afraid and wonder if you can get through this, for a period of time. But sometimes, the trauma is so deep that we get "stuck" in that place. And it takes more intensive, individual therapy to get us unstuck.
      It can also help to pay attention to what you're scared of, to come to terms with what you can control (you) and what you can't (everyone else). And, of course, time.
      Keep reading here and posting. The women here are amazing and strong and intelligent and so, so compassionate. You'll find a lot of support.

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    2. Anonymous
      I remember that feeling of not ever getting over it well! I’m almost 4 years out and I still trigger occasionally but not like the gut wrenching kind from the first months. It totally depends on how hard he works at making you feel safe again. It takes deep work from both of y’all! I don’t remember how many times I almost packed up my clothes and left but I didn’t and then he couldn’t either and at the end of the day we both wanted our marriage to survive. So we buckled down and both of us began to discuss what we wanted from our relationship and we were slowly able to find mutual agreement and we have slowly begun to rebuild our future. Not easy at the moment because of the added stress of caring for my mother full time but we still make time for our selves with lunch dates and dinner dates. It’s the little things. He also had to change some of his selfish choice of entertainment. Mainly volleyball because that’s how and where he met her. Huge trigger for me for a long time! I can at least see the ball and not trigger. That first year I couldn’t watch the Olympic girls and that had always been my favorite summer event. It’s like Elle says it’s just going to take some time! And there’s no magical time limit. Each path is different for each couple struggling to recover from betrayal. Sending hugs!

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  10. Thank you both. I really appreciate the hope.

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