It takes a long time to get to this point. Forgiveness for my husband was easier than the forgiveness I had to have for the OW. I had to realize that she must have a lot of self loathing for herself. She is a narcissist so she lives in her own reality. Her fantasy world that included my h shattered when people found out exactly what she had done and she did everything to put blame everyone, including me and not taking an responsibility for her own actions and those of her flying monkey best friend. But once you get past this peace comes.
As a self proclaimed non bitter non forgiver, I can say that time and love works the same magic as forgiveness. I DO love my H, we DO have quite a bit of time between d-Day 1 and now, but forgiveness is not something that has landed on me yet. Elle, I wish you would quote your book on the subject of forgiveness, it's so perfect and to me it makes so much sense. I can move on in every area of my life, but i have not been able to push forgiveness.
I can relate, Steam. I have to think about your "non bitter, non forgiver" for awhile. As much as I've read about forgiveness, the importance of forgiveness for yourself, I struggle. Still
The beauty of my book is that I just pulled out a copy (because I can't recall exactly what I wrote), turned to "F" and...there it is. The short version is this: "So maybe I have landed in this place of forgiveness. I've accepted that my husband is more than the worst thing he ever did. I admire and respect how hard he's worked to become a better, person, how painful it was for him to face down his own demons... We've both come to understand that forgiveness comes only after grieving. We are cheating ourselves when we use forgiveness as a balm for our pain, as an attempt to erase what has happened to us... ... One day, you might discover that the past no longer casts its shadow and that, you might say, is forgiveness." To read the whole thing, you'll have to buy the book. ;)
I cannot forgive. I’m now divorced. Not of my choosing. He betrayed me in so many ways, it’s left me with little. I have no real home now. My poor dog and cats have no real home and don’t understand. I gave everything and he took everything. I’m 47 and am too old to be looking for another (lie) soul mate. I could never trust again. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life and didn’t expect to. But here I am. Many of you may be s lot younger than me. I word to the wise-make sure you’re at least completely self reliant financially and have a plan for single life unexpectedly. I didn’t and trusted too deeply.
Tashiak I'm sorry for the on going betrayal you are dealing with. I'm in the same boat....and a little older than you. Husband walked out after another D Day after I also gave everything and he took everything - and he too has left me, the kids and pets with nothing. Not only have we (wives) had to deal with emotional/sexual betrayal - also financial betrayal. I too was too trusting in our marriage regarding finances and I agree - I tell anyone "hang in as long as you can to get some financial stability". I'm over him, but having a hard time dealing with lack of finances. I hope you have family and a support group of friends and are able to do some things that interest you, so you won't feel so lonely Hugs of support to you Gabby xo
Thank you. I try to stay busy and keep looking for ways make things better for myself and my fur babies. One minute I’ll be doing okay and even happy and then something will remind me of a memory or that I’m alone and don’t have that intimate support from him anymore, and I start bawling. can’t change a flat tire by myself anymore if needed, I can’t rely on him my day goes hard, I don’t have his protection from weirdos in the world, etc. I would just like to go on with my life without ever thinking about him and past life. I talk to my friends and family but I think they get tired of hearing about it all. Here’s to all of us. May we have peace in our lives from now on. ❤️
Tashiak, I'm sorry your ex left you in a hot mess. You sound so lonely and depressed Do you have any friends or family. I just kept looking forward, I didn't look at the past because I wasn't going that way. Pick something small out that is future looking and try to focus on getting there. How you will get there. What will it take. Make it a small step to get motivated and moving. Loving deeply is not a crime. Loving deeply, giving it all is a wonderful trait. Just because he didn't appreciate it or see it doesn't mean you are a terrible person. That terrible person is on him. Think of how many ways you are better off without him. He cheated right? He had to have other shitty qualities as well. I can tell you many times I thought a certain circumstance was the most horrible thing in my life and I have had plenty. But in the long run it turned out to be for my best. I know that sounds like a grandma statement but I can say it true if you look for it.
Tashiak, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But you say something really interesting: "One minute I'll be doing okay and even happy and then something will remind me of a memory or that I'm alone...and I start bawling." The sad part doesn't erase the happy part. There is a part of you that is, at times, able to feel peace and happiness. And that is as true as the part of you who is lonely and sad. I'm hoping you'll try something to see if you can make more space for the happy part: Notice it. Savour it. Remind yourself when you're sad that you're also capable of happiness. Figure out what is going on in those moments when you've lost yourself in the pleasure of it. I suspect it has something to do with your animals -- so maybe that's where you place a greater focus in your life. If you can make space for that pleasure, I suspect you'll experience more of it. Remind yourself when you feel sad that it won't last. Happy and sad are feelings. They are fleeting. But if you can create a life that is (mostly) contentment, then that's a great life. I hope I'm not minimizing your pain because it's valid and I know it's there. And I'm not encouraging you to dismiss your sadness because it's valid too. It's just often human nature to pay more attention to pain than pleasure and I wonder if, to some extent, you're doing that. Animals can be great teachers because they don't really hang on to the past. They live so much in the moment and they remind us that's where true contentment is -- not in lamenting what's happened or worrying about what's to come but just savouring the moment. The sun on our face, the breeze, the walk, the smile, the cuddles.
LLP thank you. He said he stopped loving me two years ago which coincided with his fb “friend” he started talking to a lot, who also told him to be kind to me during the divorce. Now isn’t that nice. Not. And he started his friendship up with a high school friend that “was like a sister” who happened to show up at the divorce hearing. ( None of his family ever showed up.) She tried to hide her face from me when I looked at her. My “friends” said he had to be cheating on me. We had a wonderful sex life. He was supposed to have been cheated on by his 2nd wife so “we had that in common” he said. We’d both been hurt. My lawyer said he was a serial divorcér lol. Along with a lying weasel. Elle, I do have happiness and family too. My pets are sad and depressed. They miss their home and don’t understand why they’re here and not able to do the same activities as they always did. P. S. I founded an animal rescue which is a 501c3. And got my Bachelors Degree during the time I married this guy. He made me feel like I was a human being and had the right to happiness and the ability to do great things. Before him I had been married to a man who had no concern or care for myself and our son. I was just a mother and wife. And I was a nonentity. And YES being a mother was extremely important to me and a great joy. I’ve done great things but I am now alone and not as able to do those things. I’m still working as a substitute teacher which I love and doing a lot with my rescue. But I’m looking for another job which preferably allows me to continue with my rescue work as well as teaching which I take very seriously and love doing too. I don’t quit. I won’t quit. I just hurt very bad right now. Rescuing animals and even children is not an easy job. Lots of people out there want to make animal rescuing a competition and lots of parents could care less about their kids or they’re just set against teachers and the public school system. Here I’ve watched these children grow up through the years. I always show them I care and believe in them. No matter if I never see that child again I make sure they know I care and think they’re great. I don’t work full time as a teacher due to physical and other medical issues. I’d done that when I married this guy I’d be fine financially. This is why I’m hard on myself. There aren’t any do overs at my age. 47 but feeling 60 lol. And yes I do try and savor moments. Like my cat Dani who keeps turning on the radio in the RV lmbo. Kids and pets are the best in a world of meanies lol. 🙈 Let’s just omit that when it comes to some teenagers. 🤪❤️
Tashiak, You're 47, not 97. You have, potentially, as much time to live as you've already lived. And look what you've learned!! And look at what a superstar you are. Dealing with a child with mental health issues, getting your bachelor's degree, founding an animal rescue group, helping kids who need your big huge heart and someone to truly see them!! It's astounding to me that you don't see how awesome you are. Make YOU your project -- focus on reminding yourself of how much you contribute to this world. That some idiot guy doesn't see how lucky he was is about HIM not you. I have five rescues (two dogs, three cats -- I'm a sucker!!) and they make my life better in every way (except when I'm cleaning cat barf off the carpet).
My father did the same thing to my mother. She too had no forgiveness for him that I know of. She didn't move on with her life so to speak. Never really had another relationship. She was bitter about it all. On her death bed, she died from lung and brain cancer 16 years ago. She said to me. I had all kinds of chances to be happy again and I didn't take them. Happiness comes from inside of you, not your relationships, especially not men, not even our children. But from inside ourself. My children, my husband, family and friends are a source where I find happiness being with them. I love them with all my heart but I love myself too. I decided that I wasn't going to live in bitterness like my mother did over my father. It's not worth it. Financially everyone will recover you still have so many good and prosperous years ahead for all of you. My husband's affair, moving across the country and starting over financially destroyed us because jobs here weren't what we expected and we went through my husband's retirement. I was a stay at home mom for a long time and I understand the struggle and fear that you all feel. I lost my job on D-day, was laughed at and ridiculed not only by these people I worked for but my husband too. Something that he still lives with today and will regret until he dies. It's been 3 years yesterday that I kicked him out, today 3 years ago he came back home. I found a memory I had shared on Facebook how nothing and no one was going to break me. And I feel eventually you will all reach that point but don't let the bitterness take you to your grave too.
I’ve forgiven my first husband several years ago. After this one, I had to admit and own that my first husband had a heart. He left me with the house and he agreed to help me financially for the first year as well as paying child support for my son. And a judge did not order him to do it. I did my own divorce papers and he agreed to it all before I registered them in the courts. This husband had no heart. But I do have to forgive myself for putting my mother, son, and pets in this horrible position to worry about me now because I chose to believe in this man. I’m working on that. They don’t hold it against me. I hold it against me.
Tashiak, On top of what I wrote (above), I'm hoping I can convince you to let yourself off the hook. You made a shitty choice. You trusted someone who didn't deserve it. You loved a man who didn't value you enough. That's okay. You did the best you could at the time. Now that you know better, you'd do better. But...you need to let it go. You need to forgive your old self to make room for more happiness for your new self. You aren't making your mother and son worry about you. That's their choice. You're living your life, with the consequences of having loved someone who didn't deserve you. That's okay. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are going to be okay. But it starts with unshackling yourself from this self-blame. It sounds as though you have a wonderful son, if he worries about his mom. That's on you. That's something to feel proud of, in spite of everything you've gone through. Now feel proud of YOU -- your strength, your integrity, your loyalty, your HUGE heart.
My mom had a heart attack when she was told by him that he wanted a divorce from me. Yes my son is amazing. He’s schizophrenic (juvenile onset) but has come out on top of so much in his life. He wanted to take me with him to Louisiana when all this happened but I told him I couldn’t just yet. He lives there now helping his grandparents, father, and working and living in his own. ❤️ One thing this divorce has done is set him free. He didn’t want to move away from me due to his feelings of distrust for this man. He was scared of him too because he carries a gun. That’s the schizophrenia reading it’s ugly head. But his distrust was his sixth sense. He was right. I guess he could spot a fake from the start. Oh and today the final divorce decree was signed by the judge so it’s still pretty fresh. Wish he’d stop texting me. 😡
Tashiak, It's time to put some clear boundaries in place. Rather than wishing he'd stop texting you, tell him to stop texting you. And then, if he doesn't respect that boundary, block his number. Make it clear that you are setting some clear rules around what you will and will not tolerate. He doesn't get to divorce you and then keep you dangling around. That's disrespecting you. And YOU need to respect yourself enough to stop putting up with it. I'm sorry for all that your son has gone through but yes, these kids who come out on top are really amazing. My daughter has bipolar disorder and I'm in awe of how hard she's fought to be well and to lead a productive, meaningful life.
Anonymous, I'm sorry I missed your post. Sounds like your life is infinitely better without this toxic man in it. Kudos to you for taking the incredibly brave step of kicking him out, moving and starting over. It's never too late for a new chapter in our lives.
I encourage you all to order it from amazon smile and have the Infidelity Counseling Network be your beneficiary (unless you have BWC as your beneficiary.
It takes a long time to get to this point. Forgiveness for my husband was easier than the forgiveness I had to have for the OW. I had to realize that she must have a lot of self loathing for herself. She is a narcissist so she lives in her own reality. Her fantasy world that included my h shattered when people found out exactly what she had done and she did everything to put blame everyone, including me and not taking an responsibility for her own actions and those of her flying monkey best friend. But once you get past this peace comes.
ReplyDeleteNOPE
ReplyDeleteI'm with you LLP
DeleteNOPE
Gabby xo
As a self proclaimed non bitter non forgiver, I can say that time and love works the same magic as forgiveness. I DO love my H, we DO have quite a bit of time between d-Day 1 and now, but forgiveness is not something that has landed on me yet. Elle, I wish you would quote your book on the subject of forgiveness, it's so perfect and to me it makes so much sense. I can move on in every area of my life, but i have not been able to push forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteI can relate, Steam. I have to think about your "non bitter, non forgiver" for awhile. As much as I've read about forgiveness, the importance of forgiveness for yourself, I struggle. Still
DeleteThe beauty of my book is that I just pulled out a copy (because I can't recall exactly what I wrote), turned to "F" and...there it is.
DeleteThe short version is this: "So maybe I have landed in this place of forgiveness. I've accepted that my husband is more than the worst thing he ever did. I admire and respect how hard he's worked to become a better, person, how painful it was for him to face down his own demons... We've both come to understand that forgiveness comes only after grieving. We are cheating ourselves when we use forgiveness as a balm for our pain, as an attempt to erase what has happened to us...
...
One day, you might discover that the past no longer casts its shadow and that, you might say, is forgiveness."
To read the whole thing, you'll have to buy the book. ;)
I cannot forgive. I’m now divorced. Not of my choosing. He betrayed me in so many ways, it’s left me with little. I have no real home now. My poor dog and cats have no real home and don’t understand. I gave everything and he took everything. I’m 47 and am too old to be looking for another (lie) soul mate. I could never trust again. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life and didn’t expect to. But here I am. Many of you may be s lot younger than me. I word to the wise-make sure you’re at least completely self reliant financially and have a plan for single life unexpectedly. I didn’t and trusted too deeply.
ReplyDeleteTashiak
DeleteI'm sorry for the on going betrayal you are dealing with. I'm in the same boat....and a little older than you. Husband walked out after another D Day after I also gave everything and he took everything - and he too has left me, the kids and pets with nothing. Not only have we (wives) had to deal with emotional/sexual betrayal - also financial betrayal. I too was too trusting in our marriage regarding finances and I agree - I tell anyone "hang in as long as you can to get some financial stability". I'm over him, but having a hard time dealing with lack of finances.
I hope you have family and a support group of friends and are able to do some things that interest you, so you won't feel so lonely
Hugs of support to you
Gabby xo
Thank you. I try to stay busy and keep looking for ways make things better for myself and my fur babies. One minute I’ll be doing okay and even happy and then something will remind me of a memory or that I’m alone and don’t have that intimate support from him anymore, and I start bawling. can’t change a flat tire by myself anymore if needed, I can’t rely on him my day goes hard, I don’t have his protection from weirdos in the world, etc. I would just like to go on with my life without ever thinking about him and past life. I talk to my friends and family but I think they get tired of hearing about it all. Here’s to all of us. May we have peace in our lives from now on. ❤️
DeleteTashiak, I'm sorry your ex left you in a hot mess. You sound so lonely and depressed Do you have any friends or family. I just kept looking forward, I didn't look at the past because I wasn't going that way. Pick something small out that is future looking and try to focus on getting there. How you will get there. What will it take. Make it a small step to get motivated and moving. Loving deeply is not a crime. Loving deeply, giving it all is a wonderful trait. Just because he didn't appreciate it or see it doesn't mean you are a terrible person. That terrible person is on him. Think of how many ways you are better off without him. He cheated right? He had to have other shitty qualities as well. I can tell you many times I thought a certain circumstance was the most horrible thing in my life and I have had plenty. But in the long run it turned out to be for my best. I know that sounds like a grandma statement but I can say it true if you look for it.
DeleteTashiak,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through. But you say something really interesting: "One minute I'll be doing okay and even happy and then something will remind me of a memory or that I'm alone...and I start bawling."
The sad part doesn't erase the happy part. There is a part of you that is, at times, able to feel peace and happiness. And that is as true as the part of you who is lonely and sad.
I'm hoping you'll try something to see if you can make more space for the happy part: Notice it. Savour it. Remind yourself when you're sad that you're also capable of happiness. Figure out what is going on in those moments when you've lost yourself in the pleasure of it. I suspect it has something to do with your animals -- so maybe that's where you place a greater focus in your life. If you can make space for that pleasure, I suspect you'll experience more of it. Remind yourself when you feel sad that it won't last. Happy and sad are feelings. They are fleeting. But if you can create a life that is (mostly) contentment, then that's a great life. I hope I'm not minimizing your pain because it's valid and I know it's there. And I'm not encouraging you to dismiss your sadness because it's valid too. It's just often human nature to pay more attention to pain than pleasure and I wonder if, to some extent, you're doing that. Animals can be great teachers because they don't really hang on to the past. They live so much in the moment and they remind us that's where true contentment is -- not in lamenting what's happened or worrying about what's to come but just savouring the moment. The sun on our face, the breeze, the walk, the smile, the cuddles.
LLP thank you. He said he stopped loving me two years ago which coincided with his fb “friend” he started talking to a lot, who also told him to be kind to me during the divorce. Now isn’t that nice. Not. And he started his friendship up with a high school friend that “was like a sister” who happened to show up at the divorce hearing. ( None of his family ever showed up.) She tried to hide her face from me when I looked at her. My “friends” said he had to be cheating on me. We had a wonderful sex life. He was supposed to have been cheated on by his 2nd wife so “we had that in common” he said. We’d both been hurt. My lawyer said he was a serial divorcér lol. Along with a lying weasel.
DeleteElle, I do have happiness and family too. My pets are sad and depressed. They miss their home and don’t understand why they’re here and not able to do the same activities as they always did. P. S. I founded an animal rescue which is a 501c3. And got my Bachelors Degree during the time I married this guy. He made me feel like I was a human being and had the right to happiness and the ability to do great things. Before him I had been married to a man who had no concern or care for myself and our son. I was just a mother and wife. And I was a nonentity. And YES being a mother was extremely important to me and a great joy.
I’ve done great things but I am now alone and not as able to do those things. I’m still working as a substitute teacher which I love and doing a lot with my rescue. But I’m looking for another job which preferably allows me to continue with my rescue work as well as teaching which I take very seriously and love doing too. I don’t quit. I won’t quit. I just hurt very bad right now. Rescuing animals and even children is not an easy job. Lots of people out there want to make animal rescuing a competition and lots of parents could care less about their kids or they’re just set against teachers and the public school system. Here I’ve watched these children grow up through the years. I always show them I care and believe in them. No matter if I never see that child again I make sure they know I care and think they’re great. I don’t work full time as a teacher due to physical and other medical issues. I’d done that when I married this guy I’d be fine financially. This is why I’m hard on myself. There aren’t any do overs at my age. 47 but feeling 60 lol. And yes I do try and savor moments. Like my cat Dani who keeps turning on the radio in the RV lmbo. Kids and pets are the best in a world of meanies lol. 🙈 Let’s just omit that when it comes to some teenagers. 🤪❤️
Tashiak,
DeleteYou're 47, not 97. You have, potentially, as much time to live as you've already lived. And look what you've learned!! And look at what a superstar you are. Dealing with a child with mental health issues, getting your bachelor's degree, founding an animal rescue group, helping kids who need your big huge heart and someone to truly see them!! It's astounding to me that you don't see how awesome you are. Make YOU your project -- focus on reminding yourself of how much you contribute to this world. That some idiot guy doesn't see how lucky he was is about HIM not you.
I have five rescues (two dogs, three cats -- I'm a sucker!!) and they make my life better in every way (except when I'm cleaning cat barf off the carpet).
My father did the same thing to my mother. She too had no forgiveness for him that I know of. She didn't move on with her life so to speak. Never really had another relationship. She was bitter about it all. On her death bed, she died from lung and brain cancer 16 years ago. She said to me. I had all kinds of chances to be happy again and I didn't take them. Happiness comes from inside of you, not your relationships, especially not men, not even our children. But from inside ourself. My children, my husband, family and friends are a source where I find happiness being with them. I love them with all my heart but I love myself too. I decided that I wasn't going to live in bitterness like my mother did over my father. It's not worth it. Financially everyone will recover you still have so many good and prosperous years ahead for all of you. My husband's affair, moving across the country and starting over financially destroyed us because jobs here weren't what we expected and we went through my husband's retirement. I was a stay at home mom for a long time and I understand the struggle and fear that you all feel. I lost my job on D-day, was laughed at and ridiculed not only by these people I worked for but my husband too. Something that he still lives with today and will regret until he dies. It's been 3 years yesterday that I kicked him out, today 3 years ago he came back home. I found a memory I had shared on Facebook how nothing and no one was going to break me. And I feel eventually you will all reach that point but don't let the bitterness take you to your grave too.
ReplyDeleteI’ve forgiven my first husband several years ago. After this one, I had to admit and own that my first husband had a heart. He left me with the house and he agreed to help me financially for the first year as well as paying child support for my son. And a judge did not order him to do it. I did my own divorce papers and he agreed to it all before I registered them in the courts. This husband had no heart. But I do have to forgive myself for putting my mother, son, and pets in this horrible position to worry about me now because I chose to believe in this man. I’m working on that. They don’t hold it against me. I hold it against me.
DeleteTashiak,
DeleteOn top of what I wrote (above), I'm hoping I can convince you to let yourself off the hook. You made a shitty choice. You trusted someone who didn't deserve it. You loved a man who didn't value you enough. That's okay. You did the best you could at the time. Now that you know better, you'd do better.
But...you need to let it go. You need to forgive your old self to make room for more happiness for your new self. You aren't making your mother and son worry about you. That's their choice. You're living your life, with the consequences of having loved someone who didn't deserve you. That's okay. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are going to be okay. But it starts with unshackling yourself from this self-blame. It sounds as though you have a wonderful son, if he worries about his mom. That's on you. That's something to feel proud of, in spite of everything you've gone through. Now feel proud of YOU -- your strength, your integrity, your loyalty, your HUGE heart.
My mom had a heart attack when she was told by him that he wanted a divorce from me. Yes my son is amazing. He’s schizophrenic (juvenile onset) but has come out on top of so much in his life. He wanted to take me with him to Louisiana when all this happened but I told him I couldn’t just yet. He lives there now helping his grandparents, father, and working and living in his own. ❤️ One thing this divorce has done is set him free. He didn’t want to move away from me due to his feelings of distrust for this man. He was scared of him too because he carries a gun. That’s the schizophrenia reading it’s ugly head. But his distrust was his sixth sense. He was right. I guess he could spot a fake from the start. Oh and today the final divorce decree was signed by the judge so it’s still pretty fresh. Wish he’d stop texting me. 😡
DeleteTashiak,
DeleteIt's time to put some clear boundaries in place. Rather than wishing he'd stop texting you, tell him to stop texting you. And then, if he doesn't respect that boundary, block his number. Make it clear that you are setting some clear rules around what you will and will not tolerate. He doesn't get to divorce you and then keep you dangling around. That's disrespecting you. And YOU need to respect yourself enough to stop putting up with it.
I'm sorry for all that your son has gone through but yes, these kids who come out on top are really amazing. My daughter has bipolar disorder and I'm in awe of how hard she's fought to be well and to lead a productive, meaningful life.
Anonymous, I'm sorry I missed your post.
DeleteSounds like your life is infinitely better without this toxic man in it. Kudos to you for taking the incredibly brave step of kicking him out, moving and starting over. It's never too late for a new chapter in our lives.
That’s the one thing I know for certain ... I refuse to let the bitterness win. Not the OW ... now my WH ... they are NOT worth living a bitter life.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you Kimberly.
DeleteYep you’re right. Just not so easy at first. 💔
DeleteAMEN SISTER KIM
ReplyDeleteI encourage you all to order it from amazon smile and have the Infidelity Counseling Network be your beneficiary (unless you have BWC as your beneficiary.
ReplyDeleteThat's a brilliant idea. I didn't know (or had I forgotten?) that ICN can be selected for that! Love it.
Delete