Ah, my friends. After experiencing another "storm" I'm emerging on the other side. Today, it is easier for me to "let go" of all that held me down the last week with purging family photos. My ship has righted itself once again and I feel better. I'm reading FEAR, Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm by Thich Nhat Hanh. I'm just going to breathe today. Except for all the fires surrounding me and the poor air quality I'm good. He can take care of himself emotionally and I will take care of me. There is still beauty inside wanting to emerge.
"He can take care of himself emotionally." I'm convinced that is the realization that will set you free. So many of us, involved with damaged men, have spent years taking responsibility for HIS emotional state. Learning to let go of that is crucial.
I've learned something about myself that I didn't notice before. Recently my (betraying) husband and I were at a funeral when we saw a prior co-worker whom wronged me on my last day of work at that establishment 18 years ago. My husband wanted to say "hi" but I did not stating my reason. He said to me, "wow - you really hold a grudge." In that moment I realized that he is right and it made me fear one of my biggest fears which is that I will always have a grudge against my husband for his 3 year affair. I still don't feel like I can forgive him and I certainly don't forgive his mistress. In fact, I wish for her heart to be shattered the way mine was. I hope that she feels the pain that I felt only worse - if that is even possible. I don't know how to forgive him and even though things are pretty good for us (except the daily/weekly haunting of what he did from 2012 - 2015) I still think about divorce and agonize over that decision ongoing. How do you forgive when you were raised to believe this is an unforgivable action? At what point do I embrace my future and move on (together or apart) rather than be stuck with the triggers from his wrong-doing? My heart and mind struggle with this decision.
This was a hard one for me too. I did not look at forgiveness as a goal for a long time. I focused on what I needed to stay, start to trust my husband again and then trust him. Forgiveness was something to focus on down the line once we worked through those areas.
My initial goal was to give it my all and see if we could create a new relationship/marriage. Then the idea of even thinking about trusting him took a long time. That is where setting boundaries with the help of my therapist and this site made a huge difference. And by watching to see if his actions matched his words was how it gradually improved for me. My husband had been very specific that his main goal is to live a transparent and authentic life. He has lots of other ones too but this is what they all stem from. He has said since dday he is proud of how he has acted at all times and I could have been next to him every minutes the past 3 1/2 years. Then we also worked at what we want our marriage to be. I took this as my chance to set the expectations/boundaries for what I need beyond any of the betrayal stuff. It is not perfect and I never expected it to be since that is not reality. However he has transformed himself. He is not the same person at all.
As far as staying I vowed to myself to give it my all. In the beginning it was because of our kids. Now I see that it is worth staying. He knows this is a second chance. He knows if something is not right he better speak up. And me too.
As far as forgiveness that came with time for me. I really started taking on a "talk less and listen more" motto once we were at 18 months to 2 years past dday. That is when he started to reveal himself. And what I have seen is this has been harder on him. Sure he hurt me and jeopardized our family and marriage. But in the end he betrayed himself first and foremost. I have forgiven him. We still talk about it and he thinks about his actions every day. He is triggered just like me. But he is the happiest he ever has been in his entire life and also so thankful.
As far as your husband making the comment about the grudge if it were me I would talk about that. I am not sure where that comes from. For me I am more fragile and easily hurt than ever. As far as an old co worker they are not someone you need to invest in. For the sake of yourself and your marriage it is something to work through. I felt the same way about the ow. I still think they are not great people. In the end our marriage is about us. Those women took enough away from me and us. I decided that I will invest in me, my husband and our kids. All of the other stuff is nonsense (as long as the ow is not still part of the picture of course).
Unknown. Here’s the thing. Despite all we read about forgiveness as the gift we give ourselves, i have not not formally, nor in my heart, forgiven my husband. I don't hate him nor hang it over his head. But i just don’t forgive him. I don’t try. I can live with what he did without bitterness. I don’t want to misquote Elle so i hope she answers your post with something i just read from her about forgiveness. It took my breath away. My advice, if you want any, is not to struggle to forgive. It’s to somehow accept peacefully somehow, eventually, or at least realistically that it happened. And take it from there.
Unknown, For me, I have the same feelings, but have decided not to struggle with them and resolve them after a lot of time and thought. I'm not sure I will ever forgive it all. I'm not even convinced I need to. I'm not sure I'm staying in my marriage except for today. I've let go of the idea of knowing what to do or predicting what's next. As life comes at me, I try to keep my eyes open and respond in ways I can feel proud of when I'm ready. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy. I prefer to feel sure and confident. I'd love to go back to that level of misguided certainty. I felt stronger then, but I'm actually stronger now. Things are going well in my marriage even though I make no long term promises and I'm not sure I'll ever feel some warm wash of forgiveness for my husband. I'll hold any grudge I want and I'll leave when I want. I'll also treat him with love when I want and I'll stay as long as I feel good about that. Every day is a chance to choose differently. It's not the way I imagined living, but here I am doing it. I think we all are, but we all wonder sometimes if we're really supposed to... like maybe we're doing it wrong because it doesn't feel like life before. I think we all need reassurance sometimes that this discomfort is ok and something you can live with. You can! Those of us who leave aren't suddenly gifted certainty either. Either way, we have to figure out how to live with our new knowledge, right? Hugs. https://www.ted.com/talks/pico_iyer_the_beauty_of_what_we_ll_never_know/up-next?utm_campaign=social&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_content=talk&utm_term=humanities
I don't think forgiveness as it pertains to remaining in a marriage marked by betrayal comes in a ray of light. I think it's the consequence of a thousand little actions that show us that we're safe again to look forward instead of back. And your husband's response to your pain around seeing that person at the wedding tells me that you are not yet emotionally safe in this relationship. He just doesn't get it. He just doesn't understand how deeply wounded you were. And even if he doesn't get it, he's also refusing to accept your truth of what happened. That is was devastating and it will never NOT be devastating. He betrayed you. He did the worst thing a husband can do within a relationship -- he betrayed you. And to expect you to push that aside and pretend that things are okay shows, to me, a huge lack of understanding at just how deep that wound goes. Consider forgiveness when he's shown you he deserves it. When he can hear about your pain and not dismiss it as "holding a grudge". You are simply responding like a woman who was deeply hurt and who has zero interest in pretending it's okay now.
Ah, my friends. After experiencing another "storm" I'm emerging on the other side. Today, it is easier for me to "let go" of all that held me down the last week with purging family photos. My ship has righted itself once again and I feel better. I'm reading FEAR, Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm by Thich Nhat Hanh. I'm just going to breathe today. Except for all the fires surrounding me and the poor air quality I'm good. He can take care of himself emotionally and I will take care of me. There is still beauty inside wanting to emerge.
ReplyDelete"He can take care of himself emotionally." I'm convinced that is the realization that will set you free. So many of us, involved with damaged men, have spent years taking responsibility for HIS emotional state. Learning to let go of that is crucial.
DeleteAnd if you can you will be free to feel whole again!
ReplyDeleteI've learned something about myself that I didn't notice before. Recently my (betraying) husband and I were at a funeral when we saw a prior co-worker whom wronged me on my last day of work at that establishment 18 years ago. My husband wanted to say "hi" but I did not stating my reason. He said to me, "wow - you really hold a grudge." In that moment I realized that he is right and it made me fear one of my biggest fears which is that I will always have a grudge against my husband for his 3 year affair. I still don't feel like I can forgive him and I certainly don't forgive his mistress. In fact, I wish for her heart to be shattered the way mine was. I hope that she feels the pain that I felt only worse - if that is even possible. I don't know how to forgive him and even though things are pretty good for us (except the daily/weekly haunting of what he did from 2012 - 2015) I still think about divorce and agonize over that decision ongoing. How do you forgive when you were raised to believe this is an unforgivable action? At what point do I embrace my future and move on (together or apart) rather than be stuck with the triggers from his wrong-doing? My heart and mind struggle with this decision.
ReplyDeleteThis was a hard one for me too. I did not look at forgiveness as a goal for a long time. I focused on what I needed to stay, start to trust my husband again and then trust him. Forgiveness was something to focus on down the line once we worked through those areas.
DeleteMy initial goal was to give it my all and see if we could create a new relationship/marriage. Then the idea of even thinking about trusting him took a long time. That is where setting boundaries with the help of my therapist and this site made a huge difference. And by watching to see if his actions matched his words was how it gradually improved for me. My husband had been very specific that his main goal is to live a transparent and authentic life. He has lots of other ones too but this is what they all stem from. He has said since dday he is proud of how he has acted at all times and I could have been next to him every minutes the past 3 1/2 years. Then we also worked at what we want our marriage to be. I took this as my chance to set the expectations/boundaries for what I need beyond any of the betrayal stuff. It is not perfect and I never expected it to be since that is not reality. However he has transformed himself. He is not the same person at all.
As far as staying I vowed to myself to give it my all. In the beginning it was because of our kids. Now I see that it is worth staying. He knows this is a second chance. He knows if something is not right he better speak up. And me too.
As far as forgiveness that came with time for me. I really started taking on a "talk less and listen more" motto once we were at 18 months to 2 years past dday. That is when he started to reveal himself. And what I have seen is this has been harder on him. Sure he hurt me and jeopardized our family and marriage. But in the end he betrayed himself first and foremost. I have forgiven him. We still talk about it and he thinks about his actions every day. He is triggered just like me. But he is the happiest he ever has been in his entire life and also so thankful.
As far as your husband making the comment about the grudge if it were me I would talk about that. I am not sure where that comes from. For me I am more fragile and easily hurt than ever. As far as an old co worker they are not someone you need to invest in. For the sake of yourself and your marriage it is something to work through. I felt the same way about the ow. I still think they are not great people. In the end our marriage is about us. Those women took enough away from me and us. I decided that I will invest in me, my husband and our kids. All of the other stuff is nonsense (as long as the ow is not still part of the picture of course).
Unknown. Here’s the thing. Despite all we read about forgiveness as the gift we give ourselves, i have not not formally, nor in my heart, forgiven my husband. I don't hate him nor hang it over his head. But i just don’t forgive him. I don’t try. I can live with what he did without bitterness. I don’t want to misquote Elle so i hope she answers your post with something i just read from her about forgiveness. It took my breath away. My advice, if you want any, is not to struggle to forgive. It’s to somehow accept peacefully somehow, eventually, or at least realistically that it happened. And take it from there.
DeleteUnknown,
DeleteFor me, I have the same feelings, but have decided not to struggle with them and resolve them after a lot of time and thought. I'm not sure I will ever forgive it all. I'm not even convinced I need to. I'm not sure I'm staying in my marriage except for today. I've let go of the idea of knowing what to do or predicting what's next. As life comes at me, I try to keep my eyes open and respond in ways I can feel proud of when I'm ready. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy. I prefer to feel sure and confident. I'd love to go back to that level of misguided certainty. I felt stronger then, but I'm actually stronger now. Things are going well in my marriage even though I make no long term promises and I'm not sure I'll ever feel some warm wash of forgiveness for my husband. I'll hold any grudge I want and I'll leave when I want. I'll also treat him with love when I want and I'll stay as long as I feel good about that. Every day is a chance to choose differently. It's not the way I imagined living, but here I am doing it. I think we all are, but we all wonder sometimes if we're really supposed to... like maybe we're doing it wrong because it doesn't feel like life before. I think we all need reassurance sometimes that this discomfort is ok and something you can live with. You can! Those of us who leave aren't suddenly gifted certainty either. Either way, we have to figure out how to live with our new knowledge, right? Hugs. https://www.ted.com/talks/pico_iyer_the_beauty_of_what_we_ll_never_know/up-next?utm_campaign=social&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_content=talk&utm_term=humanities
I don't think forgiveness as it pertains to remaining in a marriage marked by betrayal comes in a ray of light. I think it's the consequence of a thousand little actions that show us that we're safe again to look forward instead of back.
DeleteAnd your husband's response to your pain around seeing that person at the wedding tells me that you are not yet emotionally safe in this relationship. He just doesn't get it. He just doesn't understand how deeply wounded you were. And even if he doesn't get it, he's also refusing to accept your truth of what happened. That is was devastating and it will never NOT be devastating. He betrayed you. He did the worst thing a husband can do within a relationship -- he betrayed you. And to expect you to push that aside and pretend that things are okay shows, to me, a huge lack of understanding at just how deep that wound goes.
Consider forgiveness when he's shown you he deserves it. When he can hear about your pain and not dismiss it as "holding a grudge". You are simply responding like a woman who was deeply hurt and who has zero interest in pretending it's okay now.