Just One Thing

"When we're under the weight of anxiety and shame and depression, it's so difficult to act. So it is a challenge to do one new thing...."
~Harriet Lerner, from Dear Sugars: Moving On Part II 

So many of you are stuck. You're torn between leaving a marriage to a man unwilling to humble himself and seek help and protecting your children from heartbreak. You're torn about whether to believe in this better man and his promises, even though he's broken plenty before.  You're paralyzed by the changes that leaving will bring – less income, moving, loneliness.
I was there. I've been stuck. On the one hand, I wanted to flee and never look back. On the other, I didn't have the energy to pack a suitcase let alone settle three children into a new home and, possibly, new school.
And, of course, on this site, we always give each other permission to rest. To just sit with things. To digest this new reality before making any big decisions. We don't always have to do. Sometimes we need to just be.
But when we feel as though we're stuck in concrete and it's hardening with every second, then action is a wise course. It's life-affirming.
It's also daunting.
Because we're so bloody afraid. What if we change our minds? What if we can't get a job? What if we die, destitute and living in a refrigerator box and he goes on to win the lottery? What if... What if... What if...
Breathe.
What if you just focused on your next right step. Or as Lerner puts it, "one new thing."
It can take the pressure off while still moving you forward. It's like reconnaissance. Gathering information, gaining momentum.
"One new thing" could be joining a running club. It could be browsing some course calendars at your local college. It might be seeing a therapist and admitting how depressed you are.
Whatever it is, it doesn't have to be having a college degree, having a new job, running a marathon. We get away ahead of ourselves. Think of it this way, we can't climb a mountain without first getting off the damn couch. And maybe getting off the couch is your "one new thing".
Set them up for success not failure, is something a parenting expert told me once when I was writing a story on potty-training your kids (my life is nothing but glamour!). And that's what I'm telling you here. You don't need to know how your story is going to turn. In fact, you can't know because none of us has a crystal ball.
But you can take a single step, a "next right thing", "a one new thing" toward creating a life that's better than the one you have right now. You cannot control whether he becomes a better man but you can insist that he seek counselling. You cannot determine whether divorce will mean selling the house and downsizing but you can have a consultation with a lawyer to find out. You cannot wish away the depression you're feeling but you can call a therapist, begin medication, make a pact with a neighbour to get out and walk each day for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, an hour.
You can do this.
Just one thing.