Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Can You Ever Trust Him Again? It's a Trick Question

"I will never trust him again," I wrote in my journal. Over and over. In blue ink and black. "I will never trust him again."
You've probably said it too. Written it in your own journal. Said it to your therapist, your friends, yourself. To him.
A woman was recently asked on Twitter whether she believed she would ever trust her husband again after he'd been unfaithful. Her response? "I intend to spend the next 50 years finding out."
It sounds flip.
But what she's saying in the absolute uncomfortable truth.
You trusted him before and it turns out he was untrustworthy. So whether we trust him or not doesn't change his behaviour at all. It only changes us.
There are nuances, of course. I'm not advocating for total and absolute trust of a man who's revealed himself unworthy of trust. But I am pointing out that we don't really know who's trustworthy or not until they either betray us, or they don't.
And I'm making the case too that whether or not he is to be trusted is the wrong question. The right question isn't about him at all. It's personal:
Can I trust myself?
Because whether or not we feel safe in the world has far more to do with that question than whether others are trustworthy or not.
And learning to trust ourselves is something we have far more control over than others' actions. Trusting ourselves is about paying attention to what feels right or wrong, safe or unsafe, true or untrue.
Trusting ourselves is about personal integrity. And when we live our own lives with personal integrity, we'll be far more selective about those we share our lives with. We'll become impatient with the friend who gossips about other friends. We'll stop simmering in resentment with those who are consistently late and instead prioritize our own time. We'll notice when our guts or our hearts or our brains – our motherboards – set off alarms (whether barely perceptible or blinding red lights) in certain situations.
Trusting ourselves isn't like some sort of emotional armour that shields us from any cons, grifters, gaslights or garden-variety cheaters. But it does, nonetheless, offer protection. When we trust ourselves, we notice things. We pay attention to our inner pilot lights. We know who we are and what we stand for. And we know what we won't stand for. Trusting ourselves isn't hyper-vigilance. That's rooted in fear. Trusting ourselves is rooted in self-respect and the clarity that comes with knowing where the line is drawn and what we will do when that boundary is violated.
I don't know whether or not your husband will cheat on you again. I don't even know whether my husband will cheat on me again.
But I know this.
If anyone betrays me – whether the betrayal is large or small – I trust myself to respond in a way that honors and respects me.
And approaching my life – my marriage, my relationships, my work – from that place is far more predictive of joy than whether or not I can trust him. Whether or not he's trustworthy remains to be seen. So far, so good. And I have the rest of my life to find out.

12 comments:

  1. Trust is something I've been forced to grapple with since D-day. I've always been a trusting person and typically give everyone the opportunity to be honest with me. Even those with whom I have no emotional connection to are viewed by be to be honest and truthful until they are not. I now see that when I fell in love with my husband I assumed he shared my own values and morals and I trusted him completely and unconditionally with my life, my safety, my health and my back. Now, despite being in a much better place than I was nearly four years ago with him, I see him though a different filter, one that is no longer clouded by my fantasy of "true love never cheats" so I trust me and when my personal BS meter starts buzzing we have a chat. It is rarely about sex or infidelity anymore. It is connected to "I really do not appreciate your attitude, irrational anger at whatever or your shortness with me" and I expect you to treat me kindly and respectfully. I am not your verbal punching bag for anything you read, experienced or ruminated about and you may not take out your frustrations on me." Stops him in his track every time. It is also not unusual now for my husband to actually read my facial or body language and quickly apologize for taking out his frustration or anger about something that has nothing to do wit me on me. Now, I most likely say, "You want to calm down and talk to me about that in a better tone of voice?" My rose colored glasses got smashed and the heart I once gave him 100% has some pieces that I need preserved just for me to keep me stable and strong. Thanks so much to you Elle and all of my secret sisters here who continue to lift me up.

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    1. Me too Beach Girl ... me too ill be 4 years in may.

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  2. I did not know initially if I could ever trust my husband again. But I knew if I was going to give it a go I had to be open to the idea and give him a chance. Setting boundaries and expectations was critical to move along that journey.

    I love that you touch on trusting ourselves. I found that was what took a huge hit. And it was really hard learning to trust myself and my gut. It was a process but over time I worked through all of this. I still spend a lot of time focusing on myself and my feelings. I speak up now and what has helped is my husband is not defensive at all. His main goal is for me to feel safe and trust him. What a process but glad I worked through it.

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  3. When it comes to the trust I always think I know so much more on the signs after infidelity and I trust my gut now. Also I know I will survive if it were ever to happen again. Speaking up for myself, clear set boundaries all help to feel comfortable in my relationship. The biggest help is my husband's changed behavior.

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  4. I will NEVER trust him again. 7 years out and I am listening to me!!!

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    1. Hello Anonymous :-) I hope you are well? I cannot trust my wasband (we are separated 2 1/4 yrs) because he continues to prove himself untrustworthy. He cannot be without females. We live in a small town; his activities in other small towns get talked about. And I know way more than he could ever imagine. Can I trust him as I did before D-day? nope. It makes me so sad. He is a repeat offender with his secret life, and I am not and cannot be interested. Thanks for listening everyone.

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  5. I still enjoy reading your posts. Still waiting to be past all this and not need to read any longer :)

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    1. TH, You'll get there. I think you've transformed more than you yet realize.

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  6. Thank you so much for this post and this blog. I'm so glad I found this place.

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    1. I'm glad you found us too. The women here are incredible -- smart and compassionate and supportive. When you're ready, I hope you'll share your story. The healing that takes place here feels like a miracle some days. We hold each other up.

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  7. It's been almost a year since I learned about the betrayal and today I was googling trying to figure out how on earth I'm ever going to get past this and ever feel healed. I'm so glad I found this blog! Thank you!!

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    1. Please keep coming back, let us know how you are? Year One for me was wretched. I have just passed the Year Two mark. I have stopped trying to count the time passing, hoping to have moved through all the ick; this was causing me great stress. Instead, I build my new life around my grief and and embrace each day for me. Yes, in the beginning each second and minute passing were exruciatingly painful and I wanted to scream the entire time....those moments thankfully have passed. I couldn't wait for the next minute, then the next minute to get through....hurry up TIME!!! I can't take this anymore!! It was sheer hell. But in time, I came to realize that accepting the pain, not fighting it, was a simpler solution...and Time will keep moving regardless of what we do or do not do, so fill it as best you can with all that is good for you!!!

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