And so on.
Your words might be slightly different but the sentiment is probably the same: I will never get over this pain.
Words are powerful. They define our reality. They frame our experience.
And telling ourselves that we will never get over this pain is kinda like Krazy Gluing us in place. It keeps us stuck. It keeps us hopeless. We don't bother to look for a way out of the pain because we've already told ourselves that there's no point. So we don't bother making that appointment with a therapist. We don't bother doing the journalling she recommends we do, or read the book he suggests.
We don't make an appointment with a lawyer. We don't take a hard look at our finances.
Why bother? We've already declared that misery is our home. Today and forever.
But what if, rather than statements, we chose questions? What if, instead of something like, I will never get over this pain, we asked ourselves, how can I get over this pain? What if, instead of words like never or impossible, we instead chose today or maybe.
What could you do today that might move you, even just the teensiest bit, through the pain?
If you're coming up empty, how about these suggestions:
•block the OW on social media and stop yourself – today – from looking at her social media
•make an appointment with a therapist
•go for a walk
•begin to journal
Those things aren't magic. The pain won't vanish like poof! But each one of those things is a small healthy thing you can do, a next right step.
But it starts with opening yourself with a question rather than closing yourself with a statement.
No more never or impossible. Instead, today and maybe.
Cause maybe today, you could sit for 10 minutes in meditation and discover that all that pain and fear you've been holding at bay can creep so close, you can feel its breath in your ear but that it won't swallow you. When you refuse to flinch, it shrinks back. A teeny bit. You are bigger than it is. You are stronger.
Ease into the question: What can I do today to move myself a bit further through the pain toward healing? And then, take that tiny step. Maybe it will help. Maybe you won't notice a change. But will tomorrow be different? Maybe.
I get where you're coming from Elle.
ReplyDeleteBut sometimes no amount of positive thinking or small steps is good enough.
I really struggle to see any light at the end of this tunnel or any future that will be without this constant struggle.
I'm coming from a place where there just seems to be blow after blow - and the latest as I work through legal financial divorce - is how my ex has screwed me over big time financially to aid himself and some of his family.
So forget ever having another relationship after being cheated on, lied to and emotionally and financially abused - why would I ever bother? How could I ever trust again?
So I am living with the contentment of me, my kids, pets, family and friends. I've weeded out those I can't trust, or are nothing but toxic - ha. Funny they are all from his side.
A dear older friend of mine who has been divorced from her lying cheating financially abusive ex for 35 years, and despite being married for a second time in a relatively happy marriage just told me she sometimes lies awake in bed hurt and angry and in disbelief STILL with all she has gone through- so this does not seem to leave us (well maybe some) ever.
I quite often think how I do just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just seem to be stuck and without purpose and I can't seem to find a good therapist. I'm told once I have a clearer picture of the divorce and settlement that will be a new path for me. Hmmmm. Time will only tell.
I appreciate all your time and effort Elle into this blog xx
Hugs
Gabby xo
Gabby,
DeleteI'm so sorry that you're stuck in such a dark place. I have a friend going through a BRUTAL divorce and he's now trying to turn the kids against her and, honestly, I don't know how she's getting through each day. She vibrates with anxiety.
It always comes back to one thing. You cannot control anything that's happening to you. But you can control you. Weeding out the toxic people in your life is a great thing to do. Focussing on your time with your kids and pets and family is a great thing to do. All of that is helping you.
And I know the "go to sleep and not wake up" feeling all too well. If you're ever tempted to act on it, please PLEASE reach out for help. But I imagine it's just that this all feels like too much. Like you'll never emerge.
But you will, Gabby. There might always be a tiny part of your heart that's damaged but you have so much to offer this world. Just from your posts, I know that you can fill a room with your personality. That you're funny and kind. That you love your kids to the ends of the earth. You are bigger than this pain you're in. Your ability to heal is bigger than this pain you're in.
But, right now, as the saying goes, when you're going through hell, keep going. One foot in front of the other. And don't get too far ahed of yourself. You will not feel like this forever.
Hi Gabby,
DeleteIt is not worth to have this kind of thinking "I do just want to go to sleep and never wake up". We only die once but we live everyday.
They will not feel sad or sorry if we died. They are not responsible for our life, our happiness, our sadness..they just don't care. That's the reason they walked out. I used to think thousand of "why question" but then i realized that asking or thinking about all this question will not make me happier, so why should i?
We always have a choice, to face everyday happily or sadly. Always remember that we are the owner of our own self. We should not rely our own feeling/happiness from others. Stay happy always, love our-self. Nothing in this world is permanent, so why worry? All this doubt, sadness and problem will eventually go away one day.
Hugs..
Lost_AA
Gabby,
DeleteYou still sound so despondent and no amount of love or hugs from us/me will change that until you look in the mirror and see the strength within. You married an irresponsible, immature, selfish and self-centered jerk who presented himself to you as something he was not. He can never be what you want him to be and no matter how many new women he has in his life moving forward, each one after you will get a more degraded and worthless man than the one you married because what he has done to you and your family will get worse over time. Oh he may present as a shiny new toy to a new woman but seriously, with all that you have shared with us here, this man sounds like he has no soul and is only out for number one. He will continue to wreck havoc on every single woman's life he charms because he is a snake. He will charm them as he did you and he will crush them like he crushed you but my dear, listen up. You have children, friends, family and pets who love and adore you and they need you more than this despicable creature ever needed you. You have so much more worth than you believe you have and so many of us here felt exactly how you felt/feel at one point in our own betrayal/recovery. Please find someone to talk to about your own needs and desires. This man has somehow convinced you over the years that you have no worth without him and you believed it. It is a lie. You are worth so much more than he ever was. He will get his one day and maybe sooner than you think. I so wish I lived close to you so we could just take a walk and talk. I'd do your dishes and cook you some meals and hold you till your heart stopped weeping in anger. You are not stuck even if you feel you are. Please girlfriend, please, put on a smile and look yourself in the eye and say, "you, my dear, are going to do just fine." Give yourself only positive messages because that is what your heart needs to hear. Much love heading your way.
Gabby, I can't add anything to the the wonderful words from Elle, Lost_AA and Beach Girl. As Beach Girl said, "you are worth so much more" > I wish I could come and give you a hand, help with what you need, clean the house, make some tea.
DeleteAnd don't worry about that future stuff so much right now. The how can I trust again or why would I bother? DOn't worry about that now. You only need to get what you need now. What is that? Is it a friend you can rely on?Is it help from family? Is it a day to rest? or an afternoon or an hour? Just worry about what you can do for you today to get you through. And remember lots of people in your life love you.
Her name was (is?) Casey. All I want is to forget her. Forget the pics. The screenshots. The long conversations we had. I WILL forget, but only for a moment. Then she is back, each time with a vengeance. All I want is to forget, and move on, but I don't know how. I want to be oblivious again. I want my happy back.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteThere will come a time when she matters less to you. If you don’t already, you will reach a point where you see her for what she is. She’s someone with issues that caused her to do the things she did. I wish I could tell you when that time will be but I think it’s different for all us. I can tell you I stayed tied to the OW by my own choice for way too long. At first I compared myself to her, then I hated her, then I tried to figure out what made her do the things she did. And this is a woman I’ve never met face to face. I do finally see her in a very different light than I did when I first found out. She’s none of the things i told myself she was. She’s a flawed person who sacrificed any morals and values she may have had for sex with someone other than her husband. She lied to her her husband, to my husband, to me and to herself. She put her own selfish, wrongful desires above everything else. Maybe the truth came out in her marriage, maybe it didn’t. But ultimately, if she’s trying to be a better person, she has to live with what she’s done. If she’s chosen to continue with that type of behavior, she also has to live with a life full of lies and deception. Neither sounds all that great to me.
I felt destroyed by what my husband did to me, by what he did to our marriage. But the only thing I know I can control right now is me. The betrayal has taken years from me and I don’t want it to take any more.
I’m not sure where you are in this process, but the best advice I can give is to not make her out to be anything more than what she is. And hopefully, the point where she crosses your mind less and less will come soon. In the early days, when the thoughts come involuntarily, i wore a rubber band on my wrist and every time a thought of her came to mind, I snapped the rubber band and thought of something positive. It helped to redirect my brain and the thoughts slowed.
I can reassure you that genuine happiness will return. I’m not just putting on a show to get through the days. I do still fight some demons from this but they’re fewer and farther between.
Hugs! ❤️
Anonymous,
DeleteEverything Dandelion said (above). Control what you can control, which is you. Not your thoughts, necessarily. Those will intrude. But you can notice them and label them. "Oh crap, there I go, thinking about that dimwit again." And then try and distract yourself. You can try some behavioural techniques -- snapping an elastic band on your wrist each time you think of her, picturing a big red STOP sign each time.
Like Dandelion said, her presence in your mind will diminish in time. But for now, do what you can. Make sure you're not stalking her on social media. Etc.
And also, though this feels counter-intuitive, you could set aside a minute or two a day to actually send her good wishes. I know, I know. But it was when I was able to see the OW as a messed up, sad person (which I knew she was), that I could release some of my focus on her. She was just...pathetic. And if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. She didn't make my husband cheat. She just went along with it because she lacked self-esteem and boundaries.
Anonymous, I don't think we will forget, but I have found I think less about the OW over time. What I am struggling to get through is how my husband treated me. I think if I could get to a better place with that the other bad memories would fade more to the background
ReplyDeleteSee, that's the thing... he had been amazing. Apologetic, supportive, loving, doting. But that's the other thing. He always has. He has always made me feel like the most beautiful, loved woman in the world. He made her feel that way too.
DeleteHe was my one and only, and I was just another. Now he says he never loved her. Never wanted forever with her. How can I believe him? I hate him, and resent him, but at the same time I still love him so freaking much... which makes me hate myself. A stronger woman would have left. A stronger woman would never put up with that shit.
I find myself feeling happy, in love. Then I hate myself more.
Anonymous 1,
DeleteIt comes down to whether or not he's taking steps to do better now or not. If he is -- and you're willing to give him that chance -- then try and let go what happened then. People change, despite a culture that insists they don't. I've done plenty of things that I wouldn't do now.
But watch if he's truly grappling and taking accountability for what he did -- if he's really trying to understand how/why he behaved the way he did . By watching my husband do that, he earned back my respect.
Anonymous 2, Please dispense with this "strong women don't put up with..." , "strong women leave..." stuff. It's patently untrue. Strong women make up their own minds about how to respond to infidelity.
And stop beating yourself up for giving him a second chance. If he doesn't deserve it, then by all means leave. But if you think he does, then extending it is an act of generosity and compassion. And there's nothing weak about that.
My go to question was "What's good about this situation?" In the beginning I asked that question about a million times a day. Sometimes the answer was "nothing!" or "my life as I know it is over" or "I have time to figure it out if I survive." or my favorite "how can I survive without him." The irony because he created this shit. Then, as time went by...I'm talking months...the answer was "I didn't spend the day crying because I realized something good about myself" or "his choice wasn't my fault." Time, reading about betrayal and understanding how it affects us, honoring and sitting with my pain, grief, anger, my sense of devastation, in other words...sitting with my darkness and the shit storm...I started to heal one micron at a time. That
ReplyDeletequestion made me look at the little steps and seek positive answers within myself. "I took a shower today" "I ate something" "I'm a fucking Goddess" "I think I may survive this."
I also clung on to any positive words offered by anyone. One statement my psychiatrist told me on my first visit was that I would feel joy again. He told me there was hope for me if I look within. It took more than a year for me to really just work on my personal recovery and stop thinking my personal recovery relied on saving my marriage. Him being proactive was the key to healing our relationship. Until that happened, I had to work on myself.
So 28 months out from D-Day 2, the visuals are no longer a bother. I absolutely like who I am. I take no shit from anyone. I've cut out toxic people from my life...his parents being the biggest. I do have joy in my life again. The joy of my hook and yarn, my 4 dogs, my home, my mom and brother, the few wonderful friends I chose to keep, and the peace of my own company. I love the quiet calm within me and I did it all on my own.
Yea I'm still home with him, but he is no longer my concern. I no longer put effort in trying to fix the relationship because he is mired in his own shit and not ready to deal with it. He says he wants things to work out, but I am not putting any more effort than I feel necessary and we have an agreement to make living together as pleasant as possible. A platonic life is what I chose. I'm so good with that right now. It's uncomfortable as hell for him because he want's things to be as they used to be but I will no longer live under his terms. I'm in a place of transition truly focusing on myself, my pleasure, and getting to know how I want my life to be. I also just finished the infidelity peer counseling training this past weekend and it feels a bit surreal that I actually did that. 2 years ago, I didn't think I would see the light of day in the morning cause I wanted to just lay down and die in my sleep. Most days now I live in wonder of the human capacity to endure horrific shit and rise above it, and my answer to my question of what’s good about this situation is “I’ve experienced more good than bad since the onset of the shit storm and I am grateful for all that I have learned.”
We will transcend....♥
Wow Michelle/OliveMe, that is incredible. I hope a zillion people read this. Yes, you will feel joy again. I try to remind people of that every single day. And yes, a 100x yes, the answer is with you and you only. Pay attention to how to talk to yourself, stop beating yourself up for being cheated on (may I point out that both Beyonce and Princess Kate have been cheated on. So, yeah, spare me the "trading up" bullshit).
DeleteI'm glad you're living life on your terms right now.
Michelle,
ReplyDeleteOur Goddess, our hero, our leader, our friend! Smooch and hugs to you! You rock!
LOL Beach Girl. YOU are my hero, leader, and my friend and I love you. I couldn't have come this far without any of you. When asked during training what helped me move forward in my personal recovery, The first thing I mentioned was this blog. I was surprised that some of the women didn't know about it. It's also mentioned in the very short list of recommendations we can share with clients. I know I've said it before and I will say it again, YOU all held my hands and helped me off the floor every single day of the past few years. I am forever in debt to all of you and helping others is my way of paying it forward. I love and thank you all so much. BWB is one of the good things about this situation...♥
DeleteWow, Michelle. That's really REALLY great to hear. Thank-you so much for that. And kudos to you for using your experience to help others. We lift each other up, don't we!
Delete"I took a shower today" "I ate something" "I'm a fucking Goddess" this is my new mantra, love it. And congrats on completing the training OliveMe. SO proud of you and thank you in advance for the women you will be helping along this road!
ReplyDelete