I was recently invited by Samuel (find him on Twitter) to speak with him for his Overcoming Infidelity podcast, which you can listen to here – I'm on episode 3.
Samuel pointed out that my site is "safe space" for those who come, which is something I intended but something that I sometimes forget about. Until someone else notices and points it out.
So let me explain:
Like so many of you, after D-Day I turned to Google for...what exactly? I wanted someone to make sense of my messed-up life. I was desperate for answers, just like those of you who come to me via an Internet search for "why did my husband cheat?" and "how can I make the pain of my husband's affair end?" (Those key word searches break my heart, you guys.)
More than anything – and though I likely couldn't have articulated it back then – I sought community, a safe place where I could lay down my pain and trust that it would be held so that I could take a deep breath. I couldn't find it. Too often, I'd read something that triggered my shame, made me feel stupid, told me I was searching for unicorns.
So I created my own, which is where are you right now.
I wanted to create a safe space. I knew how terrifying it was to share my pain. With strangers! Maybe I'd be outed. Could I trust these people?
I decided to not include advertising, even though it would have been nice to subsidize the time I worked on the blog. But I didn't want a soul to come here and then find an ad for escorts or lube or anything else that might be trigger-y. I crafted each blog post to best share my own experience, noting that this was just my path. We are each free to choose our own, I wrote.
(Eventually, when I was considering whether to continue with my site or shut it down – the time required was impacting the time I had to pursue paid work – I decided on the Donate button, leaving it up to anyone who wanted to contribute. I absolutely value every cent that's been donated over the past few years since I added it. It makes my work feel...legitimate.)
But for all my writing over the past 12 years, for all the work of Esther Perel and Brené Brown and others who have worked hard to shift our conversation around infidelity to one of nuance and critical thinking, there remains this pervasive myth around cheating. Namely, that anyone who cheats on you will continue to cheat on you. Something that is patently untrue. And also, that anyone who stays with a cheater is basically asking for more of the same.
My anger flares just by typing those statements out. They're absurd. But they persist, largely because they trigger our deepest fears about our partners and ourselves. And fear, we all know far too well, is powerful. But these statements remain dominant in infidelity discourse because there's just enough truth in them that we can't dismiss them outright. Some cheaters do continue to cheat. And some women who stay with cheaters – those who haven't set boundaries or who don't insist on change – are, potentially, accepting more of the same.
And so we wonder: Is that us? Are we the idiots who'll be cheated on again? Will there be a chorus of "I told you so's" when we discover his second affair. His third?
It's just enough to keep us frightened, isn't it? Just enough to keep us silent.
But what's most surprising about those sentiments is that they often spring from the lips of other who've been betrayed. Others who've been hurt and, rather than process that pain, inflict it on others. But that, my secret sisters, is not support. We must never value being "right" over being compassionate. Our role isn't to tell another how to respond to her pain but rather to bear witness to it.
Betrayed Wives Club isn't about answers, it's about sitting with the questions. It's about giving you – me, all of us – permission to figure out what's right for us. Without blame. Without shame.
I haven't a clue what you should do (except, and yes I know I'm a broken record, set boundaries. And also love yourself. You are so so awesome. Really.)
The rest? Search me. I don't know. I can barely muddle through my own life.
And it's not my place, or anyone else's to tell you what's right or what's wrong or to predict your future. I wrote last week about being skeptical of easy answers.
Nothing about healing from infidelity is easy, whether you stay or go. But it can be simple. By that I mean:
•prioritize self-respect
•set boundaries
•trust yourself
Betrayal can destabilize everything we believe. But our worth – and our right to determine our own path through the pain – shouldn't be called into question by anyone.
I'm so glad you created this space. Being heard and held allowed me to take the time I needed to come to terms with what was happening in my life and eventually decide what the next right steps for me are. Its funny how people in your regular life kind of go back to "normal" when the immediate crisis seems to be over. i'm more than a year out from divorce and 3 plus from dday. But I still get set backs and what ifs, particularly when my ex finds himself single again and starts changing his behavior to me. The thing is, I know, even when he's trying, he's still not able to provide the nurturing love and support I need and deserve, the total acceptance that I deserve. He's not even able to accept himself, still won't talk about and can't acknowledge some aspects of his cheating and other problematic behaviors. So even though it is scary, I am making a new life on my own step by step, because that is what I believe is right for me. And I do not believe I would be doing as well as I am if it weren't for this space, for my friends on this site, and knowing that there are so many of us fierce warriors out there fighting our own good fight. Trusting myself becomes the final frontier to the bright future I am building. With my body in full menopause pyrotechnics, I am needing to prioritize my own care more than ever. Thanks heaven I learned that here, just in time. I can't help but struggle with feeling like my youth was spent, wasted on this man on my worst hormonal days. I try to remember that this is not entirely true. And that just because my body is changing, it doesn't mean I don't have many years of full energetic life ahead of me. Some days it is harder to remember my own truths than others.
ReplyDeleteSo I'll say it again, thank goodness for Elle, for this place and for all of you.
I love reading this post and all your thoughts. I remember right where I was when I found your site. I was on a family vacation at a very nice resort less than a month after dday. My clothes were falling off me, I was found often in a heap on the bathroom floor. I did not think I would survive. I was hurt, sad, lost, confused etc. Finding this site has been such a critical factor in my recovery. You personally provided so much high quality thoughts/advice that helped me figure out my path. And all of the other women too have been so supportive. No other site comes close.
ReplyDeleteAs far as society I struggle with this. As we keep this a secret often I feel like I am part of the problem. I had all those incorrect perceptions until dday. It is what I have read in books, watched on tv and in movies. I never dug into it at all until I was forced to. Now I see the world so differently. I try in a roundabout way to create a different narrative. It helps since my husband is in mental health. I get asked all the time what he thinks about different things so it works.
We are in a really good place, not perfect but we have found a spot I never dreamed of was possible. I still follow what served me best during recovery talk less listen more. My husband continues to open up to me. He has transformed himself but I can see he is still processing it. I am not sure he will ever get over it. I never thought I would be the one who feels the best about it all. But once I realized this was all about him it was a huge burden lifted off of me. And you are so right about boundaries! We still revisit them and set new ones. He brought up an article that he read about Kristen Bell does not celebrate her wedding anniversary with Dax Shepard. Instead they celebrate his anniversary for sobriety. My husband said he tears up reading that. He said for him dday is the day to celebrate. He always wanted to change but until that day he did not. That was the day he changed for the better and committed to be the husband and father he always dreamed he would be. It was really powerful hearing him express these thoughts. We talked about even thought it can be hard to think about dday it really is a positive day and something to celebrate. The people that get to be his patients are so lucky even thought he does not self disclose. I do hope some day he might open up enough to develop a larger platform to help others. We will see. I can tell he is not ready for that yet.
Sorry this is getting long but for me finding this site which felt safe and like home means the world to me. Hearing "me too" over and over made me feel less alone. Thank you for creating this and putting in all of yourself.
This post is so important. Thank you!! Judgement doesn't help anyone. Stay or leave...it is a personal decision but never throw shade on someone for making that decision. So many times I have felt the hit of shame and blame. Like somehow staying means I don't respect myself. These stories are convoluted and complicated and multilayered. It's not always simple, it's not like TV (although I did have once a therapist sit there saying 'wow' 'wow' 'you should write a book' ...she didnt last long lol!). There is a lot that intertwines and encircles our stories. Yet there are so many that adhere to these false societal 'norms' without thinking how these statements can hurt. Staying does not make me weak. I am strong. Even though I still buckle, I am super strong. I read something this morning about cracks not meaning you're broken but showing how you stayed together regardless of the storm. That is how I feel right now.
ReplyDeleteI also am so grateful for this site, your book and the podcast of Samuel and you together - two of my journey guides together! Your site is like a best friend that doesn't mind the tears or the harsh realities of my daily triggers. Just by reading and reflecting I am reminded that I can move forward, I am worthy of each day's gift. Your site along with a warm cup of tea can energize me as much as a 2 mile run. Thank you for the endless hours and may you never forget how many women are stronger with you by their side.
ReplyDeleteHi Elle and everyone
ReplyDeleteLynn here. Its been a long while. I am living on my own now with my son. Work has been wonderful and I an saving up for legal fees which will be hefty as I am dealing with a man who will not let himself be seen as dumped. Of course, given his family's influence over our community (his dad a priest, highly regarded by many) and that man I used to believe as my forever after being a prodigal son, I am now painted in the worst possible light. Well whatever they do, my siblings included, its keeping me going even stronger. Come what may, I trust the Almighty to grant me good health, a wonderful career progression and pave out all the challenges with His Grace and Mercy.
Elle and my fellow ladies, please keep this site going. It has been my shared sisterhood where I feel heard and embraced.
Love Lynn
In many ways, this site was more helpful than my therapist. Thank you for creating this page.
ReplyDeleteI believe it was several months after the final D-Day when I found this site. Coming up on four years and I still come here. I read more than I post, but that’s simply because I sometimes have a hard time articulating what I’m feeling in an abbreviated version. This has always been a safe place for me, a place full of insight and support.
ReplyDeleteThe podcast with Samuel was great, with a message I think all betrayeds need to hear as early on as possible. It was a great reminder for me, even 4 years out. ❤️
Elle, you set the record straight on so many, as you say, destabilization's. I had a major stabilization period this last month. Never thought it would happen ever. But I wanted to share it because it was so strange. I'm 5.5 years out. Upon finding out I wish my H would die. I would imagine what I would say at his memorial service, telling everyone what kind of man he really was. I would day dream about this. So the karma bus hit him within 6 months of prostate cancer. The place for this cancer seem right. I really didn't care what happened to him. I even told him to jump off the balcony, eat poison I really didn't give a shit. I was so badly wounded. Ok, I'm far along on the healing path. But still there is a clinging piece of toilet paper on my shoe that goes everywhere in my thoughts. Karma bus comes around again. We are on spring break with all my kids, we rented a house in Florida. The first night my H says he has a pain in his side. He starts vomiting, pain gets worse and we go to the ED. They think it is a kidney stone. The ED doc comes in and says, he has blood in his belly. Ok any blood pooling in the belly, not in an organ is not good. Here is my chance, die sucker. EXCEPT that is not where my mind is. I look at him and he says, it's bad. I agree, yes it is bad. A second x-ray shows a massive amount of blood in his kidney. Blood counts are dropping. I look at him crying. In my mind in about a nano second, I can see all the good things about him will be missed. By me and by my children. I can see how much I will miss him. I can see him not there anymore in my life. This all goes through like a tsunami. Suddenly him fucking someone really doesn't compare to his death. Off he goes to ICU in an ambulance, the little ER we are in does not have a full blood bank. I pull the chair up beside him, he holds my hand all night tightly, he tells me he in no way deserves all this attention and love. He tells me how much he appreciates me. My goodness, this is something I have seen in those old 1940 movies. Suddenly the OW looks very small, a sad part of life but not a big part of our lives. A different lighting bolt hits my heart, I don't care if he fucked her, it didn't mean any thing, I can see that now to clearly. He remains in the hospital for 5 days up and down with the bleeding. They can not operate on him, the blood is too much. The bleeding cause a tampon-ode in his kidneys, he is stable. He is coming around and wants me to get in the hospital bed with him and hold him. I do that for him. He tells me how much he appreciates me doing this, he doesn't deserve it. I don't argue with that point. All the time I thought I didn't love him, was me not wanting to admit it. Until the final end of the chapter, as Elle say was about to be written. Don't wait until the final chapter. All my daily anguish for the past five years was so such a stupid waste of time that is going by quickly. I can see I'm the only one for him, ever. Suddenly all that toilet paper on my shoe is gone. I have other things to think about, like being happy. Doing the things I want to do without an alternative motive, hidden agenda, like see I'm better, prettier, smarter, sexier, better mother, everyone just loves me, see what you almost threw away dumb ass, all that is just gone. Sure I tried in the past to imagine him gone. I saw the bad things going, not the good, that was the difference. I used to say I'll get by. Is that any type of life to just get by? I told him what I thought when he was going to die. As always, like the stupid things a cheater says, "I guess maybe I'm not that bad of a guy."
ReplyDeleteOh LLP, What a scare! I hope he's doing much better now. Well, as they say, sometimes when we ignore the whispers, we get a scream. Sounds like this was a huge scream, shaking you out of your old thinking.
DeleteI had a similar experience about five years post D-Day. My husband was having chest pains. Went to Emergency. They immediately brought him in, heard about his father's history (heart attack in his 40s) and decided that my husband was having a heart attack. Turns out it was something called pericarditis -- an infection around the heart. Fairly common. Relatively benign. But in those moments when I thought I might lose him, and my children might lose their father, none of the old stuff mattered. I wanted him now. And tomorrow. And tomorrow.
LLP - I'm so sorry that you had such a dramatic wake up call ... but man ... reading this ... it made me glad you did.
ReplyDeleteI have a post that I've kept where Elle responded to you from last July. I don't know your journey but what she said implied she did and her words were those of an amazingly compassionate big sister. I'm hoping this is the healing that you've been so desperately searching for! AND ... I pray that you have many, many more days left to share it with your husband. Will be thinking of you!
Oh Elle, it was wonderful hearing your voice on that podcast. What an awesome treat after coming here for 4 years. I’m approaching 4 years of healing from Dday this week. It’s also my birthday the day prior to Dday, so my birthday has kinda been a day I fear. I’m healing though and doing so much better.
ReplyDeleteI’ve been away from here for several months caught up in a storm with my daughter’s mental health, as I know you are all too familiar with Elle. As with the betrayal I’ve had lots of tears and days of being in a blur.As of this week, she’s returned home and doing so much better.
It’s been a hard 4 years and I’m ready to turn the page to some joy. I got in the habit of self care after the affair and then her mental health issues set my self care back. I need to return to it.
Just wanted to reiterate my thanks for the site and YOU. It truly was my best part of my daily routine to hop on here and read to get my sanity. I felt safe and at home.
Elle,
ReplyDeleteI wish this site had been available many years ago when I was going thru D-Day. I struggled thru and the years after brought more challenges mainly health issues and dealing with a narcissistic mother. My husband has stood by my side thru cancer, a minor stroke, and our only daughter being cheated on. This wasn’t the life I meant to live but having a schizophrenic father taught me early on that life isn’t Happy Days. If you got a Hallmark family, you might not have been prepared for the tough parts of life. Can’t imagine the hours you’ve spent on this site, but thank you!! There are still days I can have a trigger and relive the pain, but why waste time on earth for that?! Thinking sad thoughts doesn’t make me feel better. Patience and healing for all the new people out there, you are good enough just the way you are. Life flies by, don’t waste it on sad thoughts.
I came to this site 10 years ago. It was such a wonderful help. I only posted a couple of times, but visited it regularly.
ReplyDeleteIt has been 9 and a half years since day. We are still together and still going strong. Although I do have awful episodes still. He has acknowledge all that he did. Has tried as much as he can to make things right. But unfortunately, cannot change the past. The affair with my best friend went on for almost 10 years. She was my confident. The good thing about everything is that he realized how much I loved him when I didn't throw him out. I realized how much he lived me in the fact that he didn't go off with her during the 10 years. Despite her manipulations. She worked really hard to get him to leave me. I was unaware of them. Although I did think often that he was having an affair and that he didn't love me. I confided in her. A lot.
I had 4 years of mental hell. And then 4 years of physical sickness. He
Has been wonderful throughout. However I do sometimes feel so ashamed. That he chose to have an affair. That i stayed with him. I want him to write to her and tell her that he never really loved her. That he adores me and that we ae so happy together. I want this as she thought....told me that it was an incredible love that they had together. That i could never understand. This is the only thing that he will not do.
You post on shame and so many other things has been do very thoughtful. So caring . Thank you so much.