Hello I haven't been commenting for quite some time. We had a tough anniversary of my nephews death in January, could feel the sadness physcially pressing down. Financial problems, no pay from husband's startup. I worked up to running 5k, signed up for a course focussing on mindfulness and rewiring for self-compassion and agency and dealing with difficult experiences in a more empowered way. I got word from an interview I did a year ago that I got a job as a librarian and I start soon. My husband also got a new job, continued therapy and the son who was out of school a few years back now looks set to do fine in his exams. I still struggle to disentangle my husband's immature and still somewhat defensive responses from my own alleviating but continuing triggers. He made some cruel choices, he lied, had emotional affairs, watched porn, spent huge money on porn, hid financial matters - some of which we are still dealing with. He still has trouble being compassionate to the degree I need. God knows with repeated transgressions i need a whole lot of consistency till I believe. One part of me is so burned out from the shock of how he really was conducting himself over the course of our marriage, and how he still has a tendency to refer to 'what he is trying to do' rather than my pain and he still gets a chip on his shoulder when I'm expressing something about why its still hard for me to visit his parents when he is out and about after he did not value or respect my dedication to them. He helped somewhat with triggers around his recently rehearsals and play (he met last emotional lady at acting classes) but not enough in my eyes. Is it me or is it us or it it him. I've done a lot of work on myself and the wonderful thing about the new job is that I'll be earning my own money after 18 years as a stay at home mom, I'll be meeting new people and so on. And we will have to work together re sorting the teenagers and younger kid rather than him just being able to coast and presume on my presence. This is 5 years after D-day 1, 15 months after the last d-day with all the grief, trauma and hassle of death and finances etc in the middle. I still don't know if its going to feel any better, we just wind each other up all the time, and there's often some issue in our interactions that feels off. Sometimes I just want to put the past aside and try to be loving but then he says or does something so thoughtless I think I can't keep living like this. Does it get any clearer?
I so value your comment,Fragments. I just finished a conversation wuth my husband about setting a time to see my siblings at Easter. He rather angrily said I do not think so. We do not see his dysfunctional siblings and it hurts him how close I am to my brother and sister. Well, get over the hurt, bucko. He cannot rewrite his traumatic childhood but he also cannot rewrite my great one. Family! Ugh. Ugh and blecko. Perhaps a solo trip to visit is in order.
Hi Anonymous April 13, Maybe a solo trip is a good idea, sometimes it is just easier to make our own independent decisions rather than drag their baggage along with us as well as our own baggage on how they treated us. It would be great if we could feel that they might grow up and be supportive after everything they have put us through, they might even grow and enjoy life more by not being in the same old grooves and resentments.
FOH - I read your post when you originally posted it but knew that I wasn't in the right place to respond. Maybe I'm still not ... but I've read it a couple more times and felt the need!
I wonder - since the interactions feel off - is there something the universe is trying to tell you? All of the positive that has been happening is the building of strength. I find that when my world falls down there is always the building of strength that comes just at the right moment when a decision has to be made.
Maybe I'm projecting. But I definitely feel there is something off in my universe too. I can't figure out if it's an old detail I'm missing or if it's something new. I've sat with it for a couple of months now and it just will not go away.
But at the same time, my universe has also given me a space that if I figure out that my gut is right I can make the next move without fear.
I'm hoping that you are able to sit with these feelings disconnected from the other every day life traumas and can get some clarity. Because isn't that truly what we're all looking for?
Isn't funny how it takes going through this bullshit to find ourselves.
ReplyDeleteHello I haven't been commenting for quite some time. We had a tough anniversary of my nephews death in January, could feel the sadness physcially pressing down. Financial problems, no pay from husband's startup. I worked up to running 5k, signed up for a course focussing on mindfulness and rewiring for self-compassion and agency and dealing with difficult experiences in a more empowered way. I got word from an interview I did a year ago that I got a job as a librarian and I start soon. My husband also got a new job, continued therapy and the son who was out of school a few years back now looks set to do fine in his exams. I still struggle to disentangle my husband's immature and still somewhat defensive responses from my own alleviating but continuing triggers. He made some cruel choices, he lied, had emotional affairs, watched porn, spent huge money on porn, hid financial matters - some of which we are still dealing with. He still has trouble being compassionate to the degree I need. God knows with repeated transgressions i need a whole lot of consistency till I believe. One part of me is so burned out from the shock of how he really was conducting himself over the course of our marriage, and how he still has a tendency to refer to 'what he is trying to do' rather than my pain and he still gets a chip on his shoulder when I'm expressing something about why its still hard for me to visit his parents when he is out and about after he did not value or respect my dedication to them. He helped somewhat with triggers around his recently rehearsals and play (he met last emotional lady at acting classes) but not enough in my eyes. Is it me or is it us or it it him. I've done a lot of work on myself and the wonderful thing about the new job is that I'll be earning my own money after 18 years as a stay at home mom, I'll be meeting new people and so on. And we will have to work together re sorting the teenagers and younger kid rather than him just being able to coast and presume on my presence. This is 5 years after D-day 1, 15 months after the last d-day with all the grief, trauma and hassle of death and finances etc in the middle. I still don't know if its going to feel any better, we just wind each other up all the time, and there's often some issue in our interactions that feels off. Sometimes I just want to put the past aside and try to be loving but then he says or does something so thoughtless I think I can't keep living like this. Does it get any clearer?
ReplyDeleteI so value your comment,Fragments. I just finished a conversation wuth my husband about setting a time to see my siblings at Easter. He rather angrily said I do not think so.
ReplyDeleteWe do not see his dysfunctional siblings and it hurts him how close I am to my brother and sister. Well, get over the hurt, bucko. He cannot rewrite his traumatic childhood but he also cannot rewrite my great one. Family! Ugh. Ugh and blecko. Perhaps a solo trip to visit is in order.
Hi Anonymous April 13, Maybe a solo trip is a good idea, sometimes it is just easier to make our own independent decisions rather than drag their baggage along with us as well as our own baggage on how they treated us. It would be great if we could feel that they might grow up and be supportive after everything they have put us through, they might even grow and enjoy life more by not being in the same old grooves and resentments.
ReplyDeleteFOH - I read your post when you originally posted it but knew that I wasn't in the right place to respond. Maybe I'm still not ... but I've read it a couple more times and felt the need!
ReplyDeleteI wonder - since the interactions feel off - is there something the universe is trying to tell you? All of the positive that has been happening is the building of strength. I find that when my world falls down there is always the building of strength that comes just at the right moment when a decision has to be made.
Maybe I'm projecting. But I definitely feel there is something off in my universe too. I can't figure out if it's an old detail I'm missing or if it's something new. I've sat with it for a couple of months now and it just will not go away.
But at the same time, my universe has also given me a space that if I figure out that my gut is right I can make the next move without fear.
I'm hoping that you are able to sit with these feelings disconnected from the other every day life traumas and can get some clarity. Because isn't that truly what we're all looking for?
Kimberly