I look back at how much of my time I wasted on these questions about the OW. I asked my husband questions that I knew would hurt me. He didn’t want to answer them the first time so I kept probing. If he said she was great, I was hurt to the core and if he said I was better than her, I didn’t believe him. My brain was trying to regain control. It wanted to understand why this happened to me. My brain craved a rational explanation because I thought a rational explanation would help me avoid feeling pain.There had to be a reason he cheated with her. I didn’t know there was never going to be a satisfying answer. Or at least, an answer that would satisfy me.
I wanted her to feel my pain. I wanted her to know she lost the war. My mind went in a revenge fantasy loop, day in and day out. I felt helpless to stop myself.
I wondered what in the hell went through their minds?
So I went out looking...at OW blogs.
“I'm wondering why he's like this. Like he's hot and cold. I'm obsessed with him and can't get him outta my mind. Some days I get loads of texts. Other days he phones me. Other days I get about 4 texts. I reckon he's not lost interest. Part of me thinks yes part thinks no.”
Truth: He thinks about you less and less. Get a life with people who actually care about you, and stop moping around like a lovesick teen because you don't receive as many texts from another woman's husband as you used to.
“He is a quiet man and I just think there as been an attraction since we first met 2 years ago. It's helped me cope better with my situation but I'm confused now wondering why he isn't as chatty. Is it cause the fun bit has worn off? He is still so nice to me and says nice things to me. I know I'm so wrong doing what I'm doing but just looking for advice.”
Truth: As for that he really thinks of you? Want it straight. You're a play toy. A side dish. Sounds harsh but it's true.
“I have been super jealous of his wife. I don't know why. He never talks bad about her –won't. It's like she doesn't exist...but she does in my mind. My jealousy that he sleeps in the same bed with another woman every night. Even though he tells me they have not had sex in over a year (basically right before we got together sometime). I still get SO jealous.”
Truth: Tell him you can't have sex because you have chlamydia, or a polyp, or something, and see how often he comes around. The issue is a weak man who does not have the courage to leave her OR give his side thing up. (That's you.) Sexting gives him a thrill so he puts off figuring out what to do. And by giving him this kind of rush, he continually fails to face reality.
So reading all of this gives you insight into how pathetic these women really are. The OW elevated herself in her mind to believe that he values her more than you. She is deluded.
So here's my advice to you, who might well be where I was: Don’t let the OW have power over you because you’re helpless to hurt her. She doesn’t care about the pain she caused or the family that's destroyed. This obsession keeps you feeling horrible. You’ll feel better about yourself if you act above it. Eventually you'll become above it.
You are holding him to a higher standard. You are a higher standard. Being angry at the OW is a waste of time and energy. Fill that time with yourself. I regret all that time I spent focusing on the OW. I only have a finite amount of time in this life. I made myself more miserable. Regardless of the OW's role in the affair, they didn’t have a covenant with you. He did. The only way to win is don’t play.
For me at least it was a process or part of the recovery. Almost a phase. I had to go through all the stages. I said most of the things in this post and thought most of them. Then over time as I realized his affairs were not about me but about him I gained clarity. Also over time I personally decided that I already had enough of my life and my family disrupted by the two ow. At that point I decided I cannot control either of them or any other women that are out there. I had to focus on me and what I wanted and needed for myself and my family. Once I shifted to that mindset the recovery moved along more rapidly. I do not regret that phase of the recovery. I think I am in a better place now since I worked through all of those thoughts. And honestly from my perspective I had to realize that nothing that my husband or the ow did will ever make logical sense to me. No matter how many questions I asked and how many answers were given it will never make sense or add up for me. I had to focus on the present. With this new outlook and perspective I believe it made it easier for my husband to open up. It allowed us to recover more quickly and also to a higher level. We have had many discussions still to this day about what either of us would do if either ow would reach out or if either of us would end up at the same place as them. Having a plan together is one more way I feel we are on the same team and unified. In the end I appreciate all that I have been through and thankful it has gotten us to where we are today.
ReplyDeleteI suspect it will help a lot of women to see it as part of the process. Not a forever thing.
DeleteI SO needed this today, thank you! I've gone through much of the same thoughts in this post and am only now realizing that the OW doesn't matter, at least not to me. She's had a place in my head far too long, but slowly, slowly, slowly I'm pushing her out. Thank you! Another great post on a site that has helped me so much <3
ReplyDeleteRegaining Strength,
DeleteI'm glad you're pushing her out (slowly or otherwise). So many here (and on Twitter) say they can't so I'm curious if you would share any strategies? What's changed that you're able to reduce the amount of time/energy spent thinking about her?
I will say immediately that some of your strategies have helped - elastic band snapped on the wrist whenever I think of her, picturing a big red stop sign - but really I just came to a place where I realized that I was definitely thinking of her more than she was thinking of me and that wasn't fair. I was stuck in that place where she was perfect and beautiful and thin and amazing and and and . . . and I wasn't and one day (not overnight, it's been almost 2 years since DDay) I just thought well at least I'm not a cheater and a liar and a homewrecker. I'm kind, and funny, and intelligent, and loyal and . . . she isn't any of those things (I don't know about the first three at actually, I don't know her in person, but I think cheating on your own husband kind of negates the "loyal" thing).
DeleteIt took a long time to start getting to this point and really it's only been the last few months that I've felt myself letting go of the thought of her. Of course some days are bad and I let myself imagine what I would do/say if I ever met her, but then I snap the band (ouch!), picture the stop sign, and just remember that she does not matter, not to me and not to my husband (not anymore at least, if she ever really did). It doesn't always work, but it works more often than it used to. I think it's really intention and time, mostly time probably. I hope that helps. I've really gotten so much from your site and all of the amazing women here, thank you all so much!
This is where I am today. 100% back to obsessing on the other woman. Well, she's one of the other women. There were six of them. But there's only one I obsess on.
ReplyDeleteIt is all so ridiculous and irrational and a waste of time. And yet I'm stuck in it. She lost a long time ago. A year and a half ago I found out about her, and he dumped her. Immediately. Turns out he was already planning to end it. And he also dumped the other one he was seeing at the time, that I didn't know about until later. There's been no contact since, as far as I can tell (and yes, I was spying on every device for a year, although I suppose there's always a way). I think he let me find out because he couldn't find another way out of what he was doing.
This is the thing. As far as cheating goes, my husband is both a best and worst case, I suppose. There were many women. Over many years. While I had children (when I hadn't wanted to have children) and gave up work time and social time (that he didn't, of course) because I was trying to give him the life he wanted. And he knew I didn't want it, and so he thought I didn't want him, and so he went out looking to be wanted. Some cheater once guested on this blog and called it "assisted masturbation" I think, and that has always sounded right to me.
So. There were six women. Over six years. My childrens' lives, so far. But he didn't want any of them. And he dropped it all in two minutes and has done everything I've asked and ten times more, desperately trying to keep me. How lucky am I, to know how little he wanted anyone else? My husband had to take pills to be able to have sex with other women (as opposed to me, as I know from searching through his finances). His cheating was such a manifestation of his own feelings of inadequacy. *I know* the issue was not that I was not enough, *I know* the issue was that he thought he was not enough for me.
And still I am obsessed with her. Why? Why do I need her to know she lost? Why do I care if she thinks he stayed for the kids? *I know.* I am lucky enough to have evidence that women in my situation almost never have, a man who goes to therapy and cleans and cooks and takes over night shifts with the kids because he is desperate to make me happy, and still *I am obsessed with her.* She got next to nothing from him. Her entire purpose in his life was to put up with things I would never put up with-- lack of communication, canceled dates, general apathy-- and tell him he was worth it, when I would have asked for more from him.
But the one thing she got is what you mentioned-- the ability to tell herself (incorrectly) that he wanted her, and he didn't want me. And I know that mattered to her, because she tried to throw it in my face a few times, which I suppose is why I obsess on her and not the others. And as much as I know that was never true it kills me that she can believe it, that she might still believe it.
It is a waste, and I can't seem to escape it.
My therapist says I obsess on her because she represents some fear I have about myself, but it's easier to think about her. And I suppose that's true.
I think it's about the shame I feel for staying, when he could do something that would so obviously hurt and insult me. All she is is a reminder that someone knows that he was willing to embarrass me and give another woman the reassurance he was supposed to be giving me. But it's too much for me. And I can't let it go.
Anonymous, I remember so badly wanting the OW to know the things he was saying about her to me. To feel humiliated. To feel unwanted. Why? I think your therapist is exactly right. Because I felt all those things -- unwanted and humiliated and insecure. And so I wanted -- no! NEEDED!! -- her to feel those things too. And instead, as far as I believed, she'd moved on with her life.
DeleteThing is, in hindsight, it's quite reasonable to believe that she did feel those things. Humiliated. Unwanted. No matter how she framed things in her head, the cold truth was...she was alone. Without him. He'd chosen his marriage over her. Though I was also telling myself, he wasn't such a prize at that point.
What I'm saying is, I don't think even knowing that she's humiliated and felt unwanted would really make any difference to you. Because it isn't about her at all. It's about what you're saying to yourself. It's about what you believe about yourself. So, if you really truly want to stop giving her your time/energy, you're going to have to the painful but ultimately rewarding work of really looking at yourself. At paying attention to the stories you're telling yourself -- stories about infidelity and marriage and womanhood and desirability. You're going to have to parse out what you've absorbed from our culture and what you truly believe yourself. Cause it's often different.
And you're going to have to reframe your choice to stay because there's nothing embarrassing or humiliating at choosing to give someone you love the chance to show you they can be better. He's not simply a cheater, though he cheated. He's not the worst mistake he ever made. And you are more than a woman who's chosen to stay.
It sounds as though, over the years of making BIG decisions, you've prioritized his desires over yours. And it sounds like that needs to change. You're a mom now. And I would urge you, for your sake, to find a way to make that role work for you without resentment. Do you need to work outside the home? Do you need more support in the home? This is the time to rebuild your marriage in a way that feels egalitarian to you. To communicate your wants/needs and recognize his. What the OW thinks about your marriage will matter little if you've created a marriage that feels good to you and one that feels deep and meaningful. One that you and he have chosen.
Anonymous,
DeleteThere’s so much you’ve written that feels familiar to me. I look back and realize how much I did to give my husband the life he wanted. When we met, I was completely career oriented. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, much less a husband. I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. An injury changed my career path, we got married and settled down. We waited awhile before we had kids but at eight years in, we had the life I thought be wanted. We had relocated to the state he had lived in previously, we had two kids and I was doing my best to be the perfect wife and mom. But being a mom meant I couldn’t focus all my attention on him. It went downhill from there. He turned to porn and eventually to an affair with a coworker.
I now recognize that it was never about me. He had a big hole inside himself that he tried to fill with attention from other people. He had an image of what marriage was “supposed” to be like from growing up in a household where everything revolved around his dad. Even if I had been perfect, it would not have been enough.
The way in which I found out and the affair ended took a period of four months. It was messy and never really had the finality that I felt I needed for it to be seen that I had “won”. But when it was over, it was over and he’s spent the past four years helping me heal and fixing himself.
I went through an extended period of comparison. Why had he chosen her? What was I lacking? I questioned how he could make the choice to hurt me. Like you, I finally came to the realization that it had nothing to do with me. It’s taken a long time and a lot of work on myself to get here. While I can’t comprehend his choices, I’ve begun to believe him when he says he never intended to hurt me, he had just convinced himself I would never find out. It makes no rational sense, but I see over and over again how many people convince themselves of this. I guess people who are hurting will convince themselves of whatever they can to justify what they’re doing to fill the hole inside themselves.
As far as the OW and what she believes, I’ve had to just continue to tell myself it doesn’t matter. In my pettier moments, I’ve asked myself why the opinion of someone who would do the things she did is even a thought. These days it’s more a realization of how broken she was (maybe still is) and how I’m grateful I was never in her position. I can’t say I have compassion. I just recognize it for what it was, two damaged people justifying crappy behavior.
Dandelion - I appreciate your posts. I've nodded along to so many of them. Thank you for sharing your journey and where you're finally at!
DeleteKimberly
I've recently discovered that the true reason to let go of the OW is to start really seeing our WSs. When we are focused on the OW and how she "wronged" us and our marriage, then we are not focusing on what it was that our WS did. We victimize the broken women, at least on my part, because it's easier than looking at the broken man.
ReplyDeleteThey met because he posted a sex ad on Craigslist. Both married. Both claiming to be in a sexless marriage. I happen to know that he placed several ads - and that he texted dozens of women (including a transvestite escort) ... yet he only met one of them.
There was nothing special about this OW other than she was available and willing.
I needed that revelation today.
The absolute truth. It's safer to hate her than it is to focus our fury and pain on our partners.
DeleteAnd yes, what she brought to the table was a willingness to say "yes" and to abandon any scruples she might have ever had.
I stopped obsessing over the ow once the judge threatened her with jail time for breaking the restraining order and she finally left us alone! Like you Hopeful 30, we have a plan if our paths cross her because we live in the same place even though she moved a little further out of our town! I stopped wishing for her to feel pain because I know she lost everything...including her son...What I couldn’t figure out was her relentless chase for a man that told her for 2 years plus that he didn’t love her and leave us alone! It took a judge to times to get the message through her head...We still have moments but we’re working through them one day at a time!
ReplyDeleteI thought about this post a lot last night. I had contact with the OW for over a year and I confronted her about the things she and her friends did. Her one friend came after me on social media and put nasty comments under pictures of my h and I in our new life in another state. She told me that they had a relationship and I was a f%$king idiot, among other names that her and the OW called me. The affair lasted 10 days at the most.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about the OW being deluded. She was very determined and cocky thinking that she was going to marry my h and have a baby with him. She was so sure that this was going to happen she left her fiance a couple of weeks before they ever slept together. And when they did finally sleep together it was on work time at her temporary place. She lied to her and told this person she needed a place to stay because her fiance beat her and she needed to move out fast. She now lived minutes from the restaurant. Her plan was to stay there until her and my h could get a place together. And be together for ever and ever. Her words to me.
No matter how many questions I had after watching her go after my h like a dog in heat nothing seemed to make sense. I would watch her on Facebook all the time. She's was like a train wreck I still can't take my eyes off.
One last thing. My h had a manic episode, mania is horrible for all of those involved. It was before he turned manic that she left her fiance. I found that if I have had too much wine, that this is when I want to talk about it more looking for more answers that haven't change in 3 years. When I was in contact with her everything she blamed my h of doing was actually what she had done and lied to protect herself to save "face" in front of all of the people we worked with at that restaurant. The best thing we did was move as far away from this group of people that we could get and start over.
Rustic,
DeleteSounds like the perfect storm -- mania, deluded OW, enabling friends. But I'm glad you're able to see it relatively clearly. Your husband's brain chemistry made him an easy mark. That she's confusing mental illness with desire just shows how deluded she is.
As for wine, I recently suggested to a betrayed wife on Twitter, who had come home after a few drinks with friends and unleashed on her husband, that alcohol might be best resisted until things feels a bit more stable. It is a depressant, of course. And it rarely makes us feel better.
Hey how did you get in my head?? Oh yes I went through that phase for a long time. So maybe it wasn't so much a phase but an obsession. I knew intellectually it was a wrong obsession. I tried to focus on myself and dealing with my h's betrayal but the obsessions wouldn't stop. I went back to my therapist for a year. Other stuff happened in my life that needed to be dealt with and the OW and the specter of the OW disappeared for a while. I had other fish to fry.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet I still couldn't let go. My obsession was how on earth he was attracted to this woman who was the complete opposite of everything in liked in any person let alone a woman. She was a crass, loud mouth, braggart (and had nothing in particular about which to brag), she was unkempt, was 6 year younger than me and looked 15 years old, uneducated, untraveled, a local barmaid/tramp, gambler, welfare mom... you name it. My h is a snob. I don't say that bragginly I say it as a matter of fact. LOL my sons tease him about it. He's got strong opinions about people and this woman fit every negative thing he's ever stated about people. So how and why on earth did he choose an almost 4 year affair with this person. It truly is an enigma for me and I am the kind of person who holds onto a puzzle until I get it figured out. I should have been a detective. I'm tenacious if nothing else.
This is all simply an excuse for my stupid obsession. I know there are much better things to do with my mind and brain and since the OW is now dead my obsession is not so much focused on her as it is on my h. Still doesn't help with moving forward. I must get to a place where I truly and fully accept what happened. I must stop trying to find the answers to why and how because they.are.not.there. I do not question him anymore and haven't for a long time. As someone else said either he will say something hurtful, or defensive, or patronizing and so NO answer is ever going to be an answer I need.
You've written a good article here. What helps is I don't feel so alone in my "crazy" obsession. And maybe that obsession was something I needed to do to get me through the devastation of betrayal by someone I thought I knew so well. Maybe what I really need to do is accept that I really don't know anyone as well as I thought I did. Yikes that is a pretty scary thought too.
I obsessed over the one I wasn't baffled over. There were 5 of them (all one night stands). 4 were ridiculous. Terrible matches for my husband. If he wanted to trade me for one of them he was crazy. Not that I wasn't devastated, I just didn't obsess. One, however, seemed a solid choice. (Sick, I know). That was the toughest for me. My obsession centered around trying to find some reason to dismiss her as competition. I never really could. My H told me how selfish she seemed... how much she talked about herself... how she wasn't very kind... he didn't have too many bad things to say about the others. All this to say that the therapist who said "the obsession has to do with your own fears" was on to something. Something about this OW's persona (physical fitness, confidence, outgoing, adventurous...) is something I fear I will never be. I'm kind. I'm quiet. I'm smart. I'm introverted. I worry these aren't good traits. Nevermind that this woman is not warm. She's self centered. She's loud. There's something about putting her next to me for comparison that hits a nerve in my own insecurities about my worth. Maybe all my traits are last place and all her traits are first place. I'm physically fit now (as a result of my insistence on self care), but I'm not the life of any party (except a book club!!) Part of getting out of obsession with her is loving myself for who I am. If I don't like a trait, I can work on it, but I had to admit to myself that I don't want to be like her even if my husband prefers that (which apparently he doesn't). It's like high school stuff. She's the head cheerleader. Good for her. I'm me, and I'm wonderful. My husband can make choices, but it's not a comment on my worth. Something about her made it seem like it was. That's where the obsession was born.
DeleteI hit the 3 year anniversary of Dday last week, and things didn't go as I planned them on that day (sick kid), but all was OK. I did get the gift card to my therapist for running shoes, so I felt great about that. My trigger came this weekend when a neighbor made a joke repeating a phrase we all used to laugh about during my H's "grumpy phase" that lasted the 3 years during his affairs that my neighbors don't know about. My H used to say, "goddamnit, ann." all the time when I didn't take out the trash or buy bottled water or something stupid. I would roll my eyes thinking, "what a jerk", and we'd all laugh. Post affairs, our marriage is different and those words are NOT ok. When my neighbor joked about it, panic and then shame washed over me. I rolled it over in my mind for hours, then felt joy and pride. That was then and now is much better. My neighbor may have missed the shift, but I don't have to. It felt like progress to turn a corner like that! I don't want to hear, "goddamnit, ann." That's not funny.
DeleteTrying Hard
DeleteYou wrote what I was feeling but couldn't get the words out. I wanted her to hurt and be humiliated but that only lasted a short time before she ran back to her fiance that she left to go chase after my h. My h too has high standards and she was someone he never would have looked at twice had he not been manic. I try to stay focused on my h but sometimes I slip and want to see what she is doing. She is very good at covering up what she doesn't want people to see. It helps to know that others have done what I have regarding her.
LOL Rustic I am very familiar with the flip side of being obsessed with the OW which is I want to make her hurt as much as I hurt. Can't be done. First they are impervious to your pain so don't bother. No literally they do not care. I got lots of revenge and it was never enough. Even with her dead I still want to hurt her. Thank God I can listen to that little voice that tells me "stop. that is stupid" if you know what I mean.
DeleteSo my obsession wasn't so much as I needed more revenge, which I did but knew it was futile, but more how the hell did this troll entice him????
I love when Elle said "whatever the OW has, you don't want". and that is so true. In fact NO I did not want to be anything like her EVER. My self confidence was always ok. Yep I took on the blame at first, I must have not been enough bu!!$#it and I quickly dropped that. My obsession was always what the hell was wrong with him to go with a person like her. I can't tell you how many people compared her and said he was def downgrading. LOL my friend said he traded in a Cadillac for a Pinto :)
I agree with others who have said we need to go through this phase of recovery during reconciliation. It seems all we betrayed wives do this. And it's also very helpful for those of us further along to keep reiterating to newer people how it's so NOT worth the space in our brains these losers take up with our obsessions.
I wish you well on your recovery. You can do it. If I can you can too :)
TH,
DeleteI suspect her appeal was exactly what you don't understand. He didn't care what she really thought about him. He didn't have to perform or be anything. He just had to show up. And to a lot of men who believe that their value is in what they make, how they provide, etc., the idea of someone who they could care less re. rejection is appealing. Twisted? Yep. But it's like porn with skin on, as some have put it.
I don't think any of us know anyone as well as we think we do, including ourselves. There are those famous experiments, of course, where people end up doing awful things (or so they believe they are). The "good Nazi" type experiments. None of us really knows what we're capable of until we're in the situation.
While it's good advice to not waste time thinking about the OW, as most of us know, it's simply not possible. It seems to just be another step of the process that we all must go through.
ReplyDeleteWhile it is true that my husband was the one who actually betrayed me and not this OW, in my case the OW was the one who decided to torture me with the details of the affair in order to get back at my husband for lying to her about his relationship with me, his wife. And after the first few pieces of information she provided, I asked her to leave me alone, to leave me in peace to pick up the pieces of my life, but she felt compelled to continue to give me more and more and more. So in my case, she took it upon herself to day after day fill my head with a enough information and details to trigger me for a lifetime. So, saying she is not to blame in my case is not exactly true.
And because of that, not because of the affair, but because of her desire to cause me an unnecessary and extreme amount of trauma, I felt justified in paying it back to her in spades. Not my proudest moments, but since she failed to respond to my request for her to cease her behavior until I threatened to call the police on her, and since she failed to provide me with an apology for her behavior after the affair was over, I couldn't bring myself to simply walk away and let her get away with it.
She should have tucked her tail and walked away if she wasn't willing to play second fiddle to her boyfriend's wife, but if you keep poking a sleeping bear when that bear has given you an opportunity to turn and walk away, you get what you get. And now that I know that I've gotten under her skin more than she had gotten under mine, NOW it's time to quit focusing on her and move onto the next step of the healing process.
Unknown--That's a whole different case. Oh I dared that tramp to come after me. I'd have cleaned her clock! LOL I think I scared her right from the beginning. Which was fine by me and I certainly wasn't afraid of her. Bring.it.on! And yes you had to stay up with what she was up to. Indeed there are "bunny boilers" out there also known as sociopaths. Like they say, keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer.
DeleteI'm sorry you had to go through all that. I'm sorry your h and mine were not smart enough from the beginning of that mess to run the other way.
Unknown,
DeleteShe sounds like absolute poison and I hope she's out of your life for good. Yes, it's very very hard to walk away -- moreso when she's pushing her way back into your life. But it sounds as though you're free of her for now, at least. I hope it stays that way.
I thought the OW in our life was crazy and deluded but sounds like all the OW who we interact with are just plain nuts.
DeleteI am catching up on articles - and WOW - this hit me. Yes, I was obsessed and it took a couple of years to understand what I now believe. I feel sorry for my OW. She is not a woman of strength - she is a poor example of a mother, wife, business woman, etc. She lacks confidence. She lacks trustworthiness. She will live with her sins. I feel sorry for her.
ReplyDeleteIve only recently found out about the affair 3 months ago and fine myself going backwards where i keep asking about details of the affair. Continous stalking the other girl and any chance i can get look through his phone..which have never pervious done. I keep looking back to those days where ive been out of town or away and he was with her. Initially he said she was crazy and it was suppose to be a 1 time thing..but ender up being a 1 yr affair. He claimed initilly on DDAY He wanted her to leave but slowly with time he has admitted he continues to think of her and there are strong feelings there. Im so confused as to whether me still being in this relationship is going to be a good thing for me as im so heart broken. We have known each other for over 14years and only recently married each other late november 2018. I dont know whether to continue to stay in this house when he has mentioned he wants to leave...whether he admits it to me or not i keep thinking that the OW has a hold over him and he enjoys the drama and thrill with her as our relationship has gone stale and boring.
ReplyDeleteHe wont talk about us..shuts off alot. Goes hot and cold with me and then my mind wanders about worst what if situations
I have been seeing a therapist previously as a couple therapy and then seperate as he believes there more underlying issues my H has to sort through. My therapist informed me that i need to start looking after myself ..which makes me believe there isnt a marriage to come back to anymore. I want to have relationship between my H and i so badly but feel his feelings for the OW is too strong and he wants to go back there. What should i do?
Unknown,
DeleteYour therapist is right. Whether or not your marriage can be rebuilt, you still need to focus right now on taking care of yourself. Your husband, at this point, isn't giving you any indication that he's willing to do the hard work of rebuilding a marriage. So you need to protect yourself -- which means seeing a lawyer to ensure you're protected financially and legally, and continuing to see your therapist.
You need to lay down some ground rules with your husband. I know it's hard when you're in love with him but he's behaving like he has no responsibility to you. And those ground rules must make it clear that if he has ANY expectation of trying to preserve this marriage, that there is NO contact with this other woman, that he give you access to any/all electronics, that he seek therapy for himself. You cannot be in a marriage in which one partner has his foot out the door.
I'm so sorry Unknown. I know how painful this is. But unless you put some very clear boundaries in place (you therapist can help with this), you're telling your husband that he can continue to disrespect you.