To this day, my husband gets quiet when I bring up his affairs. Not always, but often. And by "often", I mean more than half the time. It's relatively rare that I bring up his cheating these days. It happened more than a decade ago. We've moved on. Still...
And I'll tell you: Every single time he goes quiet, it hurts. Every single time he chooses not to meet my pain with compassion but rather to prioritize his discomfort, it hurts.
Every single time.
I bet it hurts you too. And there are a lot of you struggling with this, judging by what you say when you come here. By what you say on Twitter. Even the "good" guys, the remorseful ones, the ones who hate what they did and are doing everything they can do ensure they don't do it again, even they go silent.
So what's up with that? Why is it so hard to talk about this gigantic thing that's happened? And what can we do when they won't?
Let's start with the shame. Cause that's something a lot of people, particularly the "once a cheater..." crowd won't acknowledge. A lot of guys who cheat – not all but many – stew in shame. Plenty feel it before they cheat. In fact, it's part of what makes them vulnerable to cheating. When you believe you're not much, you're susceptible to anyone who thinks otherwise. It's like a drug.
But after you've cheated – and you've seen the damage your betrayal has caused, you've watched the light drain from your wife's smile – that shame is excruciating. You know you screwed up. You're an idiot, you admit it. But, seriously, do we really need to talk about it again? Are you ever going to get over this?
What he's thinking is that this stupid thing he did is going to hang over him like the sword of Damocles for all eternity. What we're thinking is, I need you to know that I'm hurting right now. I need to know you will never hurt me again.
My husband was shocked when, sitting with our counsellor, I told him that I do NOT want him to feel shame every time I mention his betrayal. I'm open to him feeling a bit of guilt, sure. But not shame. Cause shame is crippling. Shame drives us into the shadows. Guilt, on the other hand, encourages better behaviour. Guilt is about behaviour. Shame is about character. What I want from you, I told my husband, is acknowledgement and assurance. When something has reminded me, or I'm feeling vulnerable and I say something like, "I found a photograph today of me at my mother's 70th birthday and I was so skinny. And it made me feel really sad for myself back then. I was so scared."
What I want to hear from him is this: "I'm sorry. I know how awful that time was for you. And I don't ever want to hurt you like that again."
My husband has responded like that, oh, once or twice. It was glorious. I swear I could hear the angels join together in a chorus of Hallelujah, with a few high-fives. This boy has got it, they rejoiced. He's figured it out.
Unfortunately, their celebration was premature. Because despite the fact that our conversation about his cheating was pretty much done at that point – no need to finger-point when he's pointing his own finger at himself – plenty of other times I've brought up what is euphemistically referred to as "that time" and he has simply gone mute. Cat's got his tongue.
Do I respond like a mature adult who understands what's going on for him, and say something like "I'm sensing that you're feeling ashamed right now. Is that why you're quiet?"? Of course not. His silence pushes some deep button in me that says, in a voice that sounds like my critic, that my pain doesn't matter. And so I'm ignited with simmering fury. I might not erupt in the moment but it's coming. Mark my words, it's coming.
When it does come, when I do eventually erupt, it's all but impossible to have a reasonable conversation. The molehill has become a mountain and I'm at the top of it hurling rocks. And so my husband learns, again, that "talking about it" involves him feeling horrible and abused. And I've learned that "taking about it" is all but impossible.
So I mostly don't.
But that's not okay, either.
There's a crucial middle ground, where I can have my feelings acknowledged and be assured that I am safe with him. Not then but now.
We're working on it. But his shame runs deep. When I make any reference, no matter how oblique to "that time", what he all-too-often hears is "you horrible scumbag of a cheater". His words, not mine but they're not entirely wrong, are they? But he isn't a horrible scumbag of a cheater. What he did was horrible. But he isn't. Sounds like semantics but it's a necessary distinction. I can hate what he did while loving him.
And he can hate the reminder of what he did and hate that he can never un-do it and hate that I will occasionally bring it up while nonetheless loving me and loving that I gave him the chance to do better. And knowing that talking about it, openly, is part of healing. Part of supporting me. Part of loving me.
But so much of that gets lost in our respective pain.
Our work continues.
I'm hopeful that the day will come when we can speak of "that time" casually. The same way we talk about that rainy summer vacation, or that cramped apartment we had, or that coach who yelled at our kid. Crappy memory but part of our life together. And, therefore, worthy of discussion.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
For us this aspect of healing has been an evolution. On dday over four years ago (feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago) I never thought I would live through this. It was so bad. We had lots of ups and downs figuring out discovery, recovery and creating a new life together. I thought no one could feel as bad as I do about this. Well over time and through our conversations I realized it has been much worse for him. And it was during those ten "affair years". I of course thought he made all of those decisions so he must have been at least fine if not happy. Exactly as you said it was all filled with shame before, during and after. For us I had to get through the pain which was that entire first year. We spent a lot of time setting boundaries and expectations, basically creating a new marriage/relationship. What still surprises me to this day is how hard it has been for him to face what he has done. He said changing his life has been easy. He was not so sure at first since he had been living a lie and doing whatever made him feel good and ignoring everything else. Our weekly talks was when we first started to break through. He realized sometimes I just had to get it all out. He stopped being defensive. He also came to the realization he could not fix this and make it all better. He had to just be there for me. Over time as I felt better I started to "talk less and listen more". I think this was where the biggest transformation and change happened. By doing that it was almost like I left this space that must have felt safe for him to open up. He really has opened up and come to the realization about many things about himself. And the majority without me saying a word.
ReplyDeleteI will say that his profession I think does help him. He has the education, training and professional experience to face this. Saying that he also had all of that before he cheated. He has talked about how hard it was to go to work every day for ten years and listen to different aspects of betrayal while he was cheating on me. So in turn he was detached in a major way for most of that time from me and our kids. He has come so far and says he does think about it every day. It can be work, tv, life, me or who knows what that brings it up. In a way I am glad he verbalizes that he thinks about it daily. Almost a reminder. He does say he feels he is able to help people more professionally now that we have gone through this. He is always supportive of the patient in the necessary way but he said he has felt like he has really helped many men/wayward spouses. And the best thing is we sometimes do joke/laugh about it. Something came up at Christmas dinner and I told him afterwards I almost blurted out everything that happened to his siblings. We had a laugh about it.
What I have come to realize that this is our story now. I will never be happy or glad it happened and I know my husband would change it if he could. But we are closer than ever and we try really hard to see it as a positive and focus on today and the future. And I hope that he can help others who are dealing with what we have been through.
The odd thing for me is when it’s exposed on a tv show he doesn’t get bothered... meanwhile I’m triggered. AND when it occurs with someone in our community or circle, he says...”did you hear he/she had an affair? It just bugs me when he calls it out. I want to scream “you did this!!! And it took months of gaslighting for you to admit it. Now you’re gonna be part of a rumor mill and Judge. Smh
ReplyDeleteHey Heartfelt, Can you have a conversation with him about that? It is rather bizarre, isn't it? What it is about hearing about someone else cheating that inspires this reaction in him?
DeleteThis was a great post for me to share with my husband this morning. Elle, you are so good at articulating what is/was going on in our marriage it is almost scary! It is crazy to me how betrayal and the wreckage after and then finally the healing process after looks so familiar to many of us!
ReplyDeleteWe were away this weekend visiting my son and DIL for Mother's Day weekend and I was triggered by something very innocent. We were staying in a hotel and while I was using the washroom getting ready he said he was going to go use the washroom in the lobby. Well....I was totally surprised that small event then triggered some images and reminders. During his last affair (the long one) the one that finally broke open his 20 year affair period, he would do the dame thing if we were traveling and that is when he would call her. As the morning progressed I thought was dealing with it ok, but I must have went quiet and when he asked if I was OK...I fell apart and had a panic attack. This is what my grief looked like for the first 2 years ( we are 4.5 years out) ! I know it caught him off guard and he did not know what to do. We were driving to meet my son and DIL and he immediately got a little defensive and irritated which made it worse of course. Then he tried to distract me by pointing up to the sky and telling me to look at the vintage plane that was passing by and how wide its wings were. Well then I felt ignored and not heard which is another trigger point for me, because that is how I felt years before discovery! All I wanted him to do is lean in and empathize. I did not want him to fix the situation or make it about his shame (his defensiveness). I know my triggers often trigger his shame all over again and then the dance begins.
We are still working everyday towards recovery, but relationships are hard and imperfect and it seems when we are a little off as a couple these triggers sneak up on us more.
We will be talking with our counselor soon (again) about how to deal with this in the future. In the meantime I just keep working on me and giving myself grace which is hard for me. When I go to those crazy emotional places I tell myself I am crazy and something is wrong with me.. "why am I not in a better place by now I have worked so hard?". I need to be kind to myself and watch what I say to myself.
I am in no way a good writer and that is why I have not shared much here...but just typing this is a part of my continued healing journey!
Again thanks for the post, I hope my husband will find it helpful as well and "lean in" next time.
Mojotay,
DeleteNot a good writer? But yes, you are! "And then the dance begins" is exactly what happens to me too and, I suspect, so many others of us. Please be kinder to yourself. Please extend that grace to yourself. And please recognize your gift to articulate how so many of us are feeling.
And I sincerely hope you'll keep sharing. We lift each other up on our words.
I feel the same about not being a great writer but I am so glad that you shared. I come so often to read and what you wrote adds to the whole work here that makes me feel less alone and more whole.
ReplyDeleteYou guys!!! This isn't about trying to win the Pulitzer!!! Nobody is judging. Honestly. What we are doing is nodding emphatically when we read something that reminds us we're not alone. We're crying when we read about another's struggle. We're laughing when we read about another's triumph. The whole point of this site is, as you beautifully put it, "to feel less alone and more whole."
DeleteMy husband has always been a man of few words (although not with the AP - he texted her several times a day). We have been married 50 years. D-day#1 was nearly 4 years ago, D-day#3 a year ago. Yup, it took nearly 3 years of trickle truth to get the whole, sordid story. Very long story short, husband became involved with a younger Asian woman (he says 15 years his junior but the picture looked more like 25 years younger) in 2004 when he was working overseas. When he turned 65, he told me he would work only part-time and would be home every 3 months for 3 months at a time. He was job sharing he explained. That went on for 8 years. In 2015, while recovering from cancer, I discovered a text from the AP. I was devastated. So was she when I contacted her because his explanation didn't make sense. He had told her the same story about work but turns out he wasn't working at all but was living with her in the Philippines when he was supposed to be working. This went on for 8 years! He finally came home in 2016 but continued contact for another 14 months while I nursed him through prostate cancer. Getting the whole story has been challenging because he is no longer well and talking about the affair upsets him and seems to set him back healthwise. But I'm having a difficult time healing when I can't talk about it. My husband is much kinder now, more respectful and tells me I'm wonderful but we have this big period of 13 years we can't discuss. It's heartbreaking! What I do know is my husband loved/loves this woman, unlike so many of the stories of nasty APs I've read about here. He said she was a "lovely person". He claims he loves me more. I can't get my head around that statement. This is NOT where I expected to be at this time of my life!
ReplyDeleteI can't thank you enough for this terrific site and all the amazing ladies here who share their stories and offer support and encouragement. There have been many days when you have been a real lifeline for me.
Jenna,
DeleteYour story is safe here. It is probably not as shocking as you think because so many of us have been married to (and still married to)men who made similar choices and maintained years if not decades of deception. My heart aches for you. I've been married 40 years and it has been almost 4 years since D-day. We are building a new life together one day at a time. We will not judge you for any choices you make regarding how you live your life with this man. Welcome to the club nobody ever wanted to join. You are safe here. (We all have our dark side and despite my kind words to you, in my heart and head I have many, many evil thoughts about your spouse and the way he lived his life and lied to you. Just a full disclosure from me. Elle is consistently pointing out that none of us ever knew what we would do if it happened to us. That is baptism by fire.)
Beach Girl, Thank you for your kind words. It brought a flood of tears! Our adult children do not know about the affair so the burden of this big secret has been excruciating to carry around and makes family times hard. I value being truthful and I resent living in this lie I did not ask for. I can't believe I finally found the courage to post something ( I immediately felt badly for ratting on my husband ?? and tried to unpublish it but couldn't figure out how to do it).Your postings on here have always been so helpful to me.
DeleteJenna, I understand the feelings of not telling anyone. No one knows about my husband's betrayal besides the two of us, the ow and my therapist. It has been over four years since dday. My kids are not grown but we worked very hard for them not to know. That was my choice by the way. It has been hard. My husband said he would support me telling anyone I wanted or needed to. I thought long and hard about it. I decided in the end that it would not be a positive and that most people would not know how to support me. Sometimes I feel bad since I want to educate people on everything I have learned. But I made the choice mainly to keep my children from knowing. I would say it is hardest around family and close friends. It feels like more than every conversations and judgements related to betrayal come up all the time. Early on my husband and I had a conversation and he felt really bad about how I was feeling. He had an interesting interpretation. He felt like he carried around the shame and burden of the secret for ten years (he had two affairs over 10 years) and once he told me he felt better than ever. But he felt like that shame and burden transferred to me. I don't know if that makes sense but I tend to agree with him.
DeleteOver time it has gotten easier. We have worked through a lot and are in a really good place. I found a therapist that I went to alone and that helped me so much. It was someone to talk to, gain the support and guidance I needed and a safe space just for me. I would highly recommend that. And this site has been amazing too. I agree with Beach Girl that you can say anything you want here. Most likely we have all felt the same at one point or if not we get it. Sometimes it is just hearing "me too". Hang in there and know we are all here for you!
Jenna,
DeleteJust like Beach Girl said, you are safe here. And yes, many of us have had to learn to live with many many years of betrayal and deception.
I'm so glad you took the step of posting (and even glad that you were unable to un-post). Sharing our stories is terrifying, I know. But it can also be liberating. Because you discover that you're not alone. There is an army of us who know your pain. There is an army of us who virtually put our arms around you and pull you close. You have such a burden to carry and it's nothing you created nor deserve. I am so sorry.
I hope you'll continue to share here. The women here are incredible -- as you are too. You are among your secret sisters.
Hopeful 30 you ARE educating people. Your posts are always well thought out and supportive to all who come here seeking some answers to the chaos in our lives. I think your husband's insight into the transfer of shame and carrying the burden of secrecy are accurate.
DeleteElle, thank you for your encouraging words. I have learned so much by visiting here and reading your wonderful book. Yes, indeed, sharing my story was terrifying but my burden does feel a bit lighter now.
Jenna, our adult kids do not know about their father either and the grand kids are young and of course do not know. My adult kids and especially the girls adore him, worship him and believe him to be a moral, honest and devoted husband and father. This would crush them. My agreement with my husband is that if he does one thing that I consider a betrayal we are done and I will not lie about why. There is still a hardness in my heart over being cheated on for 35 years and that dark spot yearns for revenge. I think it is just a reflection of my own childhood issues. Sometimes it still makes my skin crawl when I see him hug our daughters and grand daughters. I'm not sure what your interpersonal actions were with your spouse when this came out but I can honestly say that the months and years I lashed out at my husband after his disclosure clearly and articulately reflected my disgust of him and his choices. I told him many times that I wished he would just go kill himself. He sometimes still gets really depressed and has suicidal thoughts but I do not respond other than to remind him he can find a counselor if he wants. I'm not playing therapist anymore. He has to figure out his own fucked up life. He is very dependent on me emotionally now and says that a lot. I'm not buying into that responsibility and I tell him that. He sometimes moans and groans about what a future without me might look like for him and I remind him he is perfectly capable of making friends and staying engaged in the transparent and honest life he now lives and that would hopefully include being open to another true and honest relationship. We are both 68.
DeleteYou are amazing Beach Girl! This mess unravelled bit by bit,interspersed with his health issues, so I did not know the full extent of the affair until a year ago. So in the beginning, I was sure I must be to blame ( before BWC, Elle straightened me out on that one!). I was more hurt than angry for a long time. Then one day (after I had gotten him through his cancer treatments), I came home early from church to hear him on the phone with the OW. I was furious. He had told me he was no longer in touch. I told him we were finished. I would stay with him until his surgeries were over (cataract, knee replacement) then I was gone. I began collecting boxes, went room by room clearing out things, giving things away, etc. If we move to a smaller house or die, we're all organized! The cataract surgeries went fine, but the knee replacement was another issue. A 3 day stay became a 22 day stay. After they called the 3rd code blue for him I knew I couldn't walk away. But he knows I will not tolerate any more contacts with the OW or I will be gone.
DeleteIt's funny but our boys were not that close with their dad until he came home this time. The youngest even remarked how different he is now, and he likes this dad! I know leading that secret life impacted our family life enormously.
I'm 71, my husband is 76 - much too old for all this nonesense!!
Jenna,
DeleteIf you have not consulted an attorney yet, please do so asap. I had a consult within a month of my husband's disclosure to me and I did not tell him about it for a couple of years. That shocked him. I'm not sure why it shocked him to think that I might want to protect myself from his secret financial decisions using our shared money but prostitutes and escorts and massage parlors are expensive, not to mention the out of state travel to access them at times. So, please get yourself some solid legal advice regardless of what you plan to do. I also made sure I had access to all of our accounts and his personal accounts. He added my name to an account he had for years that he told me was for his Eby sales. I'm so stupid I believed him because I trusted him unconditionally. Not anymore. While I do not check his computer or phone anymore I do still log in to make sure he hasn't changed the passwords. Somehow, prostate cancer is fitting for your husband. Both of my brother in laws had prostate cancer and my husband's best friend just went through that surgery too. I use to tell him I wished he got stage 4 as it would serve him right. (My 5% evil twin is showing up here.) I am sorry for all your pain and loss around this life you never expected to live. Stay strong. (I still at times look at myself in the mirror and say this to myself and remind myself that none of this was my fault.) I choose a man I thought would be a good partner but he wasn't capable of holding that role in an intimate relationship. He did not tell me that and says he never knew that but he made all those choices to buy sex. Nobody forced him to do that and now he lives with the consequences. Every time something comes up in the news, he knows what he did to me. I hate that everyone looks at us as the cutest, most loving and devoted couple ever. I hate that so much. Sometimes I wonder if this silence will kill me? I've already developed a heart condition from the stress. I'm so much better now than I was four years ago and even one year ago but holding on to this secret does make me feel like I am complicit in my husband's disgusting former life. His secret is safe with me as long as he tows the line. I didn't think he could do it after reading all about sex addicts but he seems to be doing well.
Beach Girl, thank you for your kind concerns. I have thought about visiting a lawyer but I feel so humiliated by what my husband has done. The level of deception and planning that went into his 8 years in the Philippines, not to mention the finances to support this venture, boggles my mind. He did tell me he financed his "retirement" there from his work overseas and that he left the OW a "small" amount of money. I looked into laws covering common-law arrangements here and he might face support payments should she pursue that but that may be difficult for her to do from a foreign country. After 6 years it would no longer apply. He's been home for 3 years. I'm not too concerned for myself but I want what we've worked for to go to our family not the OW and I have told him that. He agrees. He isn't going anywhere in the condition he's in.
DeleteI'm so sorry for your challenges too Beach Girl. Sex addiction is a difficult one to address. So many factors contribute to it as I've learned on here. I'm happy to hear your husband is doing well. The secrecy is overwhelming though isn't it? I resent it. I so long for an authentic life and I hate being part of this ridiculous conspiracy in any way! I wonder too how it impacts our health. I was very concerned for my cancer recovery and I have a heart condition as well and since this has all come to light, it has worsened. However, on the bright side the infidelity diet works a treat and that thrilled my cardiologist!
We get comments too about how cute we are together. When he was hospitalized, I had a young nurse ask how long we had been married and what our secret was. I thought "Man if you only knew" but instead said, I had no idea!
Take good care of yourself Beach Girl. As Elle says we need to keep looking at what our husbands are doing now. Easier said.. I know, oh how I know!
Jenna, attorneys and doctors hear from people like us every day. I had to get tested for STD's twice thanks to my husband. Regarding the legal and financial, I made sure we both sat down with our accountant/financial planner to go over every single account so I could verify that my name and our kids names were on every single account and that any changes had to have both of our signatures. We also sat down with our attorney and I made sure all the legal paperwork was legit and that I got everything. The kids are after me. My husband told me he had not changed anything without my knowledge so I just said, well then, let's just sit down with all the important people and go over it again just to be sure. This is a consequence of his 35+ years of lies. You can probably find an attorney who will give you 30 minutes free to talk with. I gave mine a small retainer. If you have any doubts about anything, please do not feel ashamed to get the answers you need. It's now like we are at a point in our lives where we can just get another job and make up what was lost but you've been married 50 years and are probably entitled to everything. Again, sorry for the pain and mess your husband gave you.
DeleteHe’s not the one that wants to talk about it anymore...finally me either!!! I’m too busy enjoying every day I have...I have wonderful grandchildren and I just bask in the love! My h, he’s the one that has missed out on the good stuff...way back when he had his girlfriend, I was busy with the first two boys but now we have our first grand daughter and finally, he’s here enjoying her as much as I am...
ReplyDeleteTheresa,
DeleteThat's so incredible to hear. You are a lucky woman but it's luck you've created. You're a force!
As my teen would say, SAME, Elle. We are four years out, and I am grateful for many things. H is sober and faithful, as far as I can tell (and what do I know, really...). I am grateful that I have not run into OW once, and she lives nearby. I rarely panic at the grocery store now, but H freezes or changes the subject if I hint of a trigger. I know H feels isolated and alone -- his depression is and always has been the real issue. Al-Anon has been a game-changer. I've learned to offer support then move on when H is stuck. And while I don't visit as often, your words are always with me. Thank you, Elle, and all who follow for reminding me that it had nothing to do with me. I was always good enough. Real women look out for other women. And happy, healthy people don't cheat.
ReplyDeleteSnowbird, Truth in every word you write. I'm glad Al-Anon has helped you create and enforce your boundaries. And that you recognize your own value. Brava!
DeleteAs my teen would say, SAME, Elle. We are four years out, and I am grateful for many things. H is sober and faithful, as far as I can tell (and what do I know, really...). I am grateful that I have not run into OW once, and she lives nearby. I rarely panic at the grocery store now, but H freezes or changes the subject if I hint of a trigger. I know H feels isolated and alone -- his depression is and always has been the real issue. Al-Anon has been a game-changer. I've learned to offer support then move on when H is stuck. And while I don't visit as often, your words are always with me. Thank you, Elle, and all who follow for reminding me that it had nothing to do with me. I was always good enough. Real women look out for other women. And happy, healthy people don't cheat.
ReplyDeleteMojotay your post was very articulate. My husband has used many of the strategies you described when we have tried to have those difficult discussions. I'm so glad you commented. I get discouraged too when I feel I shouldn't still be broadsided by triggers after all this time. One day at a time. I'm taking Theresa's comment to heart as well. My family means the world to me. I am so grateful for every day I can spend with my precious grandkids.
ReplyDeleteThe condition for my reconciling with my husband is that he really responds appropriately and openly, rather than defensively, deflecting or rug sweeping. He can't seem to do that. But he believes its not because of shame, but as he says, he is "hurt" by my response that he doesn't get it. He wants acknowledgement of what he is doing right now. He wants a pat on the back and I am not giving it but rather "beating him up [his interpretation] and punishing." So it seems like you are able to stay in your marriage, Elle, even with a tepid response to when your pain comes up. For me, right now, it seems like a deal breaker. I can't imagine having to pretend I am not still angry and hurt. I can't tolerate that he won't open himself up enough to my pain and make an effort to take it off my shoulders. He is doing 12 step work and therapy and is a much more healed and mature person. But he still acts like I am dwelling in the past. But the fact is that he could never talk about the affair and how hurt I am, without feeling like he is being unfairly "accused."
ReplyDeleteWhat is it that is making it worthwhile for you, Elle? I am trying to see if this piece of it is something I can live with. I really can't see that possibility right now.
That's a good question, MBS. I stay because the good FAR outweighs the bad. My husband continues to struggle to "show up" for uncomfortable things -- not just with me but with everything. It's something that had improved quite a bit but, as time has passed and we haven't had the same challenges in our lives (not just betrayal but in-laws, etc.), he's slipping back into compartmentalizing. His anxiety kicks in and he avoids.
DeleteSo, it's something that I can recognize and not take personally. And it's something that we're examining with our counsellor right now.
That is so true with my husband too. My husband's issues affected all areas of his life except work. I am not sure if he was more driven or could have done more work wise but he was successful during those years. I think a lot of that was ego driven. But initially I thought this was about me and us. Over time it has become more clearly this is all connected to his issues which show up in all aspects of his life. I do point it out if I notice boundary issues with friends or family. So far I have been right every time and he has admitted it and told me I had good insights he did not recognize. I think for us setting firm boundaries and expectations surrounding all aspects of life has been huge. Even before attending a holiday with family we talk over our plan. We both have less anxiety and frustrations before, during and after.
DeleteMBS
ReplyDeleteI sometimes hesitate to respond because I hear what you are saying but the difference is that my h once we were finished with the ow with many delays...has and is able to see a trigger when it’s happening and respond in the way I need...in the first two -three years he was defensive but I think I finally told him this isn’t always about what you did but what you do now...he understands that and reaches out before a real meltdown...I remember those days so well...it’s still hard even when things are going great because it’s still one day at a time and there’s no guarantees on either one of us getting to the rest of our lives except one day at a time time and for now we’re happy to struggle through together...sending you hugs!
For my husband this was a major issue for me. He has always gotten defensive. It was a major road block in moving forward and I think it was a long time issue for us. I felt like if I had any issue his go to move was becoming defensive which made me feel like the problem or I was the one with the issue. It could be a simple as me talking to him about helping do the dinner dishes more often or even setting a schedule. Pre dday that would have ended up in him becoming defensive and then in the end it would be me doing it all and him basically telling me he was too busy and a million other reasons why. In that example he was detached but also selfish and lazy. He prioritized himself. Fast forward to recovery after dday and he was constantly defensive. We worked through it but his explanation was he felt like no matter what he said it was not going to be good. He felt like his words would get twisted or he might contradict himself since his affairs went on for a long time and sometimes he has no memory of a date or details. And if he said he did not remember I did not accept that. And the big issue is if I cried it sent him into major defensive mode. He hated and still hates when I cry. He has told me he wants to fix things immediately for me to make them better. Well after dday that was impossible since he caused the problems and he knew it but that led to him being defensive.
DeleteMy solution was we set one time a week while the kids were at school to talk. I think for him knowing that it was a set time helped vs being confronted randomly daily was hard for him to take. He too felt "beat up". For me I ended up liking it too since I did not want to talk about his affairs every day. The other days we spent more time together. We cut back on all commitments and only did the bare minimum. Basically work and take care of our kids. For us this really worked well. He turned a major corner and it was like he was able to cope with hearing what I needed to ask or had to say. We both adopted the policy of "talk less listen more" when each person was talking. In the end I told him sometimes I just needed him to hear what I had to say and yes he might never be able to "fix" it but I still needed to express my feelings and thoughts. In the end what is most interesting at about year 3-3 1/2 he started really opening up. This was not like him but I could tell he had done major reflection. All I can suggest is think what you need to feel better. For me it was that time set aside once a week. It took me a while to figure that out. I thought what do I need to make this marriage work at least on my end. Hang in there!